Woman's Grandma Passes Away And Clingy GF's Need For Constant Communication Created Major Problems, And Now She's Not Sure How To Proceed
I mean. There's not much to say. If somebody's dead grandmother is an emotional threat, is it even worth having a fight?
u/sici24 laid out the crazy issue for us:
My grandma died and I feel like my girlfriend's behaviour towards me and my family was out of line [28/29F 2 year relationship]
Hi Reddit. Sorry this is all over the place. I'm pretty tired and upset, and am having a hard time getting my thoughts together..but here it goes.
My grandma (dad's mom) and I didn't have the greatest relationship. Basically my dad's family was super crazy rich and my mom's family is like upper middle class. So my grandma wasn't super thrilled with the marriage. She treats my mom differently than her other daughter/son in laws and this kind of trickled down to me and my brother being treated differently than our cousins.
My grandma wasn't outright mean to us, but it was kind of obvious she had favourites in the way that she didn't give us as good gifts as the other grandkids, she never bragged about our accomplishments to her friends, she'd tell me that I could lose some weight, etc. But I mean… she did still give us gifts, cook our favourite foods when she came to visit, came to our graduations, lots of hugs and kisses..so I feel like she did love us. She was also an old Asian lady, so some of her actions can be attributed to just her being of her generation. I guess it doesn't matter now, bottom line – I had things to complain about but in the end I do love my grandma.
My grandma was in the hospital and my dad knew that she was not doing so well, so he asked me to fly out to my hometown and see her. All of my cousins, aunts and uncles came as well and we had a really lovely family reunion (I am super close to my extended family, but we all live in different states in the US/provinces in Canada so we don't see each other much but it's always awesome when we do) and my grandma was so happy. My girlfriend and I already had plane tickets to visit my parents, so we actually ended up going back to hometown a couple of weeks after that. Grandma was still in the hospital and my girlfriend met her for the first time. She died about a week after we left and I flew out again to go to the funeral and wake. So I went there 3 times (twice alone, once with my gf) and each time I was just…not impressed with my girlfriend's actions
First visit
This was a last minute flight and was pretty expensive, so my girlfriend decided not to come with me. Also we thought it wouldn't be the best situation for her to meet my family for the first time. I was only gone for the weekend (left Friday night, came back Sunday afternoon) and my girlfriend was insistent that I text constantly, call her every night, Skype every morning. I tried my best to text her, but I didn't really want to be on my phone the entire time I was at the hospital visiting my grandma and also catching up with family I hadn't seen in a couple of years. It was evening and my phone was nearly dead. My grandma was asleep, so my brother and cousins and I decided to drive to the mall/grocery store. My girlfriend got so angry at me because I didn't call her at the hospital, I didn't call her while I was in the car (with 7 other people), my phone died and I didn't borrow someone else's phone to call her at the mall, etc. She then also kind of got mad at me for taking the opportunity while my grandma was asleep to have a good time with my cousins instead of calling/video chatting her. I skyped her the next morning and she was still livid and accused me of doing something that I would never do and was actually really insulting. Anyway I went back home the next day and she was still mad at me.
Second visit
This visit was planned before my grandma got sick and my gf met my extended family for the first time. She hated every second of it. My cousins tried to include her by asking what food she'd like to eat so we could pick a restaurant and she just said that we (she and I) would go back to my parents house and eat there (there was no food, we ate cereal for dinner). When we were alone, she'd get mad at me for having fun, laughing, and singing with my cousins. She was sulky the entire time and at one point was in such a bad mood around my family that she said that when we got back home we were breaking up. It then de-escalated to we are never going to a family reunion type thing ever again. She would text her sister about how weird/creepy/embarrassing my family was and when my aunt and uncle celebrated their wedding anniversary, she insisted that we skip the lunch celebration and drive downtown instead.
Third visit
A few days after we got home from the 2nd visit, my dad called me to tell me that my grandma had passed away that morning and if I could make it home that weekend for the funeral and wake and that my girlfriend was invited too, of course. She couldn't take more time off work and also couldn't afford the plane ticket, so I went by myself. My girlfriend never outright said I couldn't go, but it was obvious that she didn't want me to ditch her again. She said things like "You didn't even like your grandma that much why do you have to go to the funeral AND the wake". But screw that, even if I didn't like my grandma I would still want to be there for my dad and the rest of my family. At the funeral home (for the wake), I was texting her a bit and taking pictures of some of my grandma's stuff. I was also chatting with my cousins and my brother. We decided to go into the chapel (I didn't really have signal in here) and I saw my aunt really crying and sobbing and I went to go give her a hug. The wake then started and I took a seat at a pew for the mass and other things. It lasted about 1 ½ hours, and when I got out, I received a ton of messages that my gf had sent that I couldn't receive in the chapel. Basically she was mad at me for not texting her good night immediately before the wake started. I told her that I was in a chapel, so I didn't really have the chance to text her. She said that it only takes a few seconds to text "good night" so I should have taken my phone out during the church service and texted. But honestly…texting her good night was not the most important thing on my mind during my grandma's wake.
The next day was the funeral. I was telling my girlfriend that the shoes I had brought were dirty so I had to borrow my mom's shoes with heels. She then texted me "Wow, the image of you in heels is such a turn-off". Wtf I wasn't telling her that I was wearing heels to turn her on, I was just telling her something about my day. After the funeral, my cousins and I decided to go play a game of basketball. I called my girlfriend to talk to her and when she heard the sounds of the game in the background she got angry and accused me of "having fun". Am I not allowed to have fun? My grandma was super into family and loved having everyone together, so us playing a fun game of basketball would probably be exactly what she had wanted us to do.
This has gotten really long now. So I'll just end it here. What I need help from you guys is..did I do something wrong? Maybe my judgement is all clouded because my grandma died, I spent so much time with family, I had to fly back and forth across the country three times in a month. Am I completely missing my gf's side of the story? I honestly don't know what to think, but I know that I feel like crap.
TL;DR: My girlfriend gets mad at me for having fun with my cousins, she hates my family, got incredibly angry at me for picking my grandma's funeral over texting her.
Here was some of the advice he got.
One
Sounds like you're better off breaking up.
No respect whatsoever from your girlfriend. Especially when your grandma is sick and at her funeral. I'm so upset reading this. This is absolutely wrong.
Two
Aside from the gold-digging potential you mentioned in one comment, the biggest issue I see for your future as a couple if that your gf doesn't have the same family values you do. It is clear she has no intention of being an integral part of the family that you love and are very close to. That on its own is a big deal breaker.
Three
Your gf comes off as super controlling and doesn't seem interested in getting to know your family at all. The fact that she was angry at you for going to your grandma's funeral is a big red flag IMO and she doesn't seem to trust you at all. Do you ever feel like she's trying to keep you away from from family and friends?
Four
Girl bye!!
She's an insensitive controlling brat and possibly a gold digger. A death in the family is when your partner is supposed to be at their most supportive and caring, not all this nonsense (texting her sister sh*t about your family? telling you it's a turn off imagining you in heels? what the f*ck??). So many red flags. You can do much better.
Five
My grandmother died a few years ago. My boyfriend comforted me through the news (it was shocking, it came out of nowhere). He listened to me when I wanted to tell stories about her, he was distracting when I told him he needed a distraction. When it was the day of the funeral, he put on a black suit, rented a car, and drove me, my dad, and my cousins to the funeral. It was his first time meeting my extended family and he was polite and gregarious with them. We went out for a big meal after the service and everyone who had just met him pulled me aside to tell me how much they loved him.
I'm telling this story not to brag, but to show how a partner should treat you during a time of mourning. I've gone to friends parents funerals that were 90% in foreign languages and sat quietly and reflected and was there for my friends afterwards. Do you really want to be around someone you can't trust to be there for you when you most need them?
Maybe this is your grandmas last gift to you, showing how untrustworthy, unreliable, and selfish your girlfriend is.
Six
Your girlfriend is on another planet. You had every right to go to your grandmas the times you did go prior to her death, and yes what's wrong with having fun? Nothing. You should have been at the funeral, that was your grandma. Your girlfriend is insecure, untrustworthy, childish, unsympathetic, and a nag. Why would you want to spend the rest of your young life with her? You could do so much better. Good luck.
Seven
A romantic partner is supposed to be a comfort and source of support during hard times, not the cause of additional stress. This woman seems controlling and like she's trying to alienate you from your family. Add in her alarming interest in your inheritance and her general surliness and insistence that every aspect of her life focus on you, and she's just comes across as an overall drain on your life.
Being single is infinitely preferable to having a "partner" like this one.
Eight
Listen. I was in a relationship with a girl JUST like this a few years ago, like what you're describing I almost wondered if it's the same girl. It's gonna be hard to break up, but it is the best thing for you to do. She had turned me against my family, and it took me finally seeing the abusive behavior for myself to stand up and break up with her. When I told her I didn't want to be together anymore, she initially acted very sweet and loving, but when I didn't budge, she actually admitted to cheating on me when I was out of town (which is when she would accuse me of cheating) and said some very hurtful things about me and my family. She showed her true colors, and I'm glad she did, it made it all the easier to forget about her and find the right one for me.
Nine
So - what's the question here? I know you're asking if you did something wrong, but you already know you didn't. Each one of your examples are riddled with poor behaviors demonstrated by your girlfriend (clingy, controlling, manipulative).
I gotta ask: Where's the good? Why are you with her? Personally, there's nothing she could do that would justify putting up with this bologna.
I really hope you realize that she's no good for you, and you totally deserve better - and when that happens, give us an update. I wanna know what happens.
Ten
We're not getting your girlfriend's side of the story, we're getting yours though. I don't know if there's anything your girlfriend could tell me about her side of the story that would lead me to say "Hey wow no I get it, you were totally in the right, u/sici24 needs to get her sh*t together."
Like no matter what, how she behaved during those three visits is not okay. She can have valid reasons for doing so (being in a bad mood, feeling uncomfortable, feeling anxious, missing you, insecurities) but that doesn't EXCUSE what she did or make how she acted okay. At the very least, she needs to work on how she communicates with you and she has to take into account where you're at and put herself aside from a little bit. That's some personal work that SHE needs to do, and maybe there are some changes you can make to help with that, but this is more or less about her.
But like I already said in a different comment, I don't even think it's worth it. This seems like a repeating pattern with her and I've been in relationships where I felt exactly how you feel now--that it was always, always my fault but then when I think about it later, I realize that even if it WAS my fault, I still wouldn't have reacted the way that my partner did. It was only after those relationships actually ended that I realized how f*cked up and toxic they were. It takes a LOT of work for a person to change that deeply, and I'm not saying it's impossible, but I AM saying that your girlfriend needs to be willing to put that work in and also willing to own her part instead of making everything your fault.
You need to figure out if you're happy with her and if you actually want to try to make this work, but based on my own history, I really want you to dump her on her f*cking a** and move onto someone who isn't going to be up your a** yelling at you because you were spending too much time with your family after your grandmother died. Give me a break.
Eleven
it sounds like ur gf believes that u only live for her pleasure and benefit. u can't have ur own life and enjoy anything that doesn't include her or benefit her in any way. Hence, why she is so interested in ur inheritance. if i were u, i would never let her see a cent, and break up with her. she is a garbage human being.
Twelve
At first I was thinking, "okay maybe she's young and a little immature." I had to look at the ages again and she's past the age where it's acceptable to behave in this manner.
A kind and loving partner would be supportive of you if they're with you AND supportive if they were unable to come along. You are there for a funeral, not for some random shindig. It would be reasonable to assume you aren't going to respond right away.
Does she have a job or a life? My god, what you describe sounds absolutely exhausting. I was with someone like that and it drained the life out of me. After I didn't have anything left to give, I grew a spine and told them I deserved a hell of a lot better than how they were treating me and they knew it.
It's easy to say, "dump them" but I'm on the train with other commenters. Your gf isn't going to change, is super selfish and childish (and mention of some gold-digging tendencies). You deserve a partner in life, not a spoiled teenager who throws tantrums when they don't get 500% of your attention.
Good luck OP.
Thirteen
I'm sorry for your loss. Your gf is incredibly selfish and jealous of the connection you have with your family. She is definitely controlling and this is only going to escalate. You have not done anything wrong, her behavior is completely out of line.
I think you need to reflect on whether you want to continue a relationship with her. She showed you her true colors in your time of sorrow and it's not pretty.
Fourteen
My boyfriend (Now husband) lost his grandma when we'd been together for two months. I stayed for a week (teacher, summer holidays) to clean his mum's house and get groceries and stuff so she could grieve and make arrangements. I then held his hand, and at times his brothers', through the funeral and wake.
I say this not to boast, but merely to point out the actions of a decent human being (or at least someone who tries to be.) This is a big, big red flag that shows she gives not a crap about your feelings.
I'm sorry for the loss of both your grandma and this relationship. You deserve better.
Fifteen
This is the best set of red flags possible. You lose no money, you have no children, you're not legally entwined in any way. Get out while the getting is good because this kind of selfishness does not improve with age.
Sixteen
I've live it. The coldness, the unprovoked resentment, the hyperinflated insecurity. Don't. Ever. be made to feel bad by a partner for having a relationship with your family, let alone for simply being happy [or sad or anything] from something that is not totally derived from this childish brat. It's completely unacceptable. I know I am coming off as overly passionate about this, maybe I am, but this was my life for a lot of years and nothing good came of it. I'm not suggesting what to do, I'll leave the power of your decision making to you.. because you are a strong and confident person.. and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Your value as a person does not begin and end with this person's skewed sense of reality, relationship/marriage/occupation/whatever.
We all have our different breaking points when it comes to tolerating certain behaviors.
When pushed too far, people can act impulsively and wind up causing irreparable damage and also ruining various relationships.
Some people may find it difficult to do, but turning their back on the situation is key, but if their backs are up against the wall, they may find that counting to ten may bring momentary peace.
Curious to hear about strangers online suppress their rage, Redditor Grouchy-Trip9582 asked:
"What do you do to calm your anger?"
Not being around others is helpful, though it's not always an ideal solution.
Go Into Isolation
"I have to get away from people."
– xo_lily_xo
"Same but almost impossible with two younger children around. I think I hold the Guinness World Record for the number of times I have tried to sneak into the bathroom to poop but always get interrupted. Going on 7 years with having every single poop interrupted 💪🏻"
– baldymcbaldyface
Advantage Of Being Single
"This is exactly why I'm not in a relationship. Trying to find someone who doesn't argue over trivialities such as these seems to be a tall order the older we get"
– Sequitur1
Any distraction is a good distraction in a moment of rage
Chef's Kiss
"Think about cooking. It sounds weird, but I debate what I'm gonna cook for dinner and run through ingredients in my head. That way, I'm distracted from rage and it gives me time to process my feelings."
– TeaAndBaileys
"Right now, Im angry at my spouse for stupid disagreements with groceries for what to eat. I'll think about cooking some other day."
– repanah222803
Not A Tall Order
"What works best for me is not to think about cooking but to actually bake pancakes. It reduces the world to a small and manageable place where I'm in control and everything works the way I want it to. And I end up with a stack of pancakes to boot. Doesn't work as well when not at home, though. I don't need this fix a lot, sine I am hardly ever angry (and have very little cause to get angry, fortunately)."
– Kraaihamer
Feel The Music
"I begin singing in my head…something calming like Pink Floyd or any number of Black Sabbath songs."
– Sharonfromhell
"If I'm getting impatient or trying not to call someone an idiot I'll sing 'one o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock rock' in my head. By six o'clock rock I'm usually over it, and nobody even knows I was annoyed."
– Ygnerna
Some people prefer to assess the conflict to help them calm down.
Food For Thought
"Step back and ask myself why the thing making me angry is making me angry. Is it kneejerk defensiveness because something I take for granted has been challenged? Was it an intentionally inflammatory statement designed to make me angry for the sake of attention or clicks? Am I missing an understandable reason someone might do or say something that seems offensive on the surface? Is the person I'm talking to genuinely too ignorant or stupid to understand the implications of what they're saying or doing? Or, after all other possibilities are exhausted, is the anger legitimate?"
"And by the time I've gone through all that, even if it is legitimate, I will have cooled off enough to behave rationally despite any underlying anger."
– MrLuxarina
Effectiveness All-Around
"I do this all the time! Doesn't just work for anger, I've also used it to evaluate my life when I was going through depression. I learned SO much about myself during that time by using this method."
– Ganouche
Switch Mode
"My brain turns it into deep depression."
– Shenanigamii
"If your emotions are imbalanced or morph it could be your brain chemicals. I’m bipolar and when I get extremely mad I usually start crying an hour later and get stupidly depressed. I dunno, that’s what happens to me too is my anger turns into the Great Depression."
– axg12
Assessing The Situation
"a therapist of mine told me that most anger is a reaction to a different type of feeling. I try to analyze what other feeling I'm feeling and get to the core of it. Sometimes it sucks because anger is a kneejerk response usually and hard to really Calm, but to avoid arguments, its better to analyze. it also helps you understand others more."
– turdennis
Bringing In Logic
"When I realize I’m angry I pause, remove myself from the situation and logically think through why I’m angry while rationalizing that it’s not a good reason to be as angry as I’ve gotten and/or if I feel it’s justified I accept that I need to calm down to be productive or risk being irrationally destructive."
– mtgkajhit
Whenever I'm about to go postal in any situation, I think of my dear friend Kimberly and reflect on some of her hilarious antics that to this day still make me laugh.
Yeah, I have her to thank for a number of times I could've caused property damage.
Thanks, Kimberly. You have no idea how much thinking about your sense of humor has gotten me out of plenty of trouble. Not that I need anger management or anything.
Readers, I hope you all have a Kimberly in your lives that you can rely on in the heat of a moment to pull you back.
When we look back on our childhood, we all reflect on things we regret doing.
From stealing money from our parents' wallets to buy candy or cheating on a test, to sneaking into an R-rated movie against our parent's advice, or being caught coming home past our curfew with our first crush.
While these things naturally got us in trouble, we often look back on these things with laughter and amusement, as they seem to be things all children are guilty of at one point or another.
Of course, some of us also may have done things that we can't simply brush off as "kids being kids."
Things we did that couldn't be fixed by an apology or a punishment, and which still cause us to lie awake in bed at night to this very day.
"What is something you deeply regret doing as a child that still affects you to this day?"
And They Likely Have The Scars To Prove It...
"In middle school I jumped from the top of a slide and landed flat on the bottom, hurting my back."
"Pretty sure I've never recovered."- sadnessucks
It Can Never Hurt To Ask
"Falling into the trap of 'If I don’t ask for too much maybe I can get what I need'."- OldBob10
An Honest, But Painful, Mistake
"After every Thanksgiving dinner as a child my grandpa would put a plate of food together for a man named Mr. Bailey who lived by himself and didn’t have family in town."
"He’d drive over to his house, drop the food off, talk for 5-10 minutes, and then come back."
"I didn’t know this."
"One year after our meal my grandpa handed me a plate with a slice of pumpkin pie on it and told me to get in the backseat of his truck."
"I didn’t ask questions and hopped in with the pie."
"We get to our destination and my grandpa opens my door and says, 'you have the pie?'"
“'What do you mean grandpa? I ate it'.”
"I thought the pie was for me. I ate it in the backseat on the car ride like it was a brownie."
"Mr. Bailey didn’t get any pumpkin pie that year."
"I still can’t look at pumpkin pie without feeling bad about it."- bentgrass7
It's OK To Cut Yourself Some Slack, Every Now And Then...
"I took everything to heart."
"All the insults, all the failures, all the minor mishaps, I couldn't just let it pass me by, it hit me right in the heart, which is why my current mental health leaves a lot to be desired."- AnastasiaFrid
It's Frighteningly Easy To Judge
"When I was 4 a neighbor girl and I became friends."
"I invited her over one day to play, we were playing with dog food, it was fake food."
"Well she started eating it."
"I screamed at her and called her nasty and was just sh*tty."
"Told her I didn’t want to play with her anymore."
"As it turned out, the poor girl was severely neglected."
"Her parents never had food so she was basically starving."
"It didn’t dawn on me until I saw that they were kicked from their home and it was condemned and torn down a year after."
"I remember I went over to play one time and the house smelled like rotting hamburger meat."
"There were cockroaches everywhere."
"It was traumatizing, I cannot imagine living there."
"I have tried to find the girl via social media with no luck."- AbrasiveRake34
An Unwanted Remnant Of A Good Time...
"Giving my knees floor burn for fun."
"I don't have a clue why I thought it was fun."
"Now they are in an awful state and completely covered in scars."- thealphagalgirl
Often, The Most Difficult Thing We Have To Face, Is The Truth
"Not sleeping in my dying father's bed with him."
"He asked me to because he didn’t want to be alone."
"I was 18 at the time and was not prepared for all this."
"Until the day I die I will never forgive myself."- Modig7176
Staying Silent And Doing Nothing Can Cause More Harm Than It Seems...
"I regret not having thicker skin and sticking up for myself from my bullies."
"There were two individuals who were complete psychos and went out of their way to make several people's lives hell!"
"One girl was so crazy she tried running my friend off the road driving home from school; she is now in prison for embezzling from her employer."- NectarineNo974
Well Meaning, But Ill Timed.
"When I was 4 yo, the husband of my aunt died."
"Very soon after the his death, the whole family was gathered around in the living room, me sitting across her."
"I wanted to make her feel better and said:"
"'Don't worry, you will find a new Matty you will love'."
"The hurt and surprised face of her hunts me even today."
"I understood I did something wrong but not really what at that moment."
"We are on good terms and she is living a good live now."
"She very likely forgot what I told her that day."
"I'm probably the only one remembering that conversation."- RoachT3
Blaming A 7-Year-Old For Negligence Just About Says It All...
"One time when I was 6-7 I rode on a 4-wheeler with my older sister."
"We hit a dip in my grandparent's pasture, my sister fell off and she went under the rear tire."
"She needed immediate surgery."
"My grandmother still blames me for it and it has affected me deeply."
"For years I listened to how my sister almost died due to my negligence."- xX8PuzzyXx
Genetics Are Nothing To Be Ashamed Of
"Stop exercising / any kind of working out because I was told my movement is awkward."
"Tried to shrink myself because I was a tall girl that stands out of other kids, which ruined my posture."
"Now I have a very bad scoliosis that causes mild but chronic back pain."
"It's very visible as my waist is not symmetrical."
"Might have to go under a big surgery, putting braces to my spine, in the next 3-4 years."- fatbabygoat
Not everything, if anything, can be brushed off by saying "kids will be kids".
This is why it's important for parents to teach their children what is right and wrong, and be kind and compassionate.
Even it won't stop them from making bad decisions it will certainly make them think twice and avoid doing something they will regret for the rest of their lives.
There are certain things men keep to themselves when it comes to life and dating.
And no one talks about the bro code much.
A recent Reddit thread gave us a chance to peek behind the curtain.
Redditor AMGBOI69420 wanted all the men out there to share some necessities, so they asked:
"What are some 'guy secrets' girls don't know about?"
Decisions.
Don't be afraid to make them.
Guys appreciate a decisive nature.
But don't be aggressive.
Thank You...
Episode 5 Thank You GIF by PBSGiphy"We will NEVER forget getting a compliment. I used the same conditioner until it went out of production because someone told me my hair felt soft and smelled nice."
LordSwitchblade
Good Morning
"Sometimes when it's up, it's not because we're horny. But don't let that stop you, Queen."
Spiceinvader1234
"I once had a guy tell me 'If a guy has a morning erection it doesn’t mean you turn him on, he was probably just having a sex dream about someone else.' Ever since then I NEVER try to initiate anything in the morning. Is that true?"
LoisLaneintheRain
"It‘s because the body tests any function while you sleep and most of the time that time you begin to wake up it tests the function to get an erection."
Gennerig_LP
Back Up...
"Nice try honey, I still won’t tell you where I keep my snacks."
XxLongoTxX
"Oh, I found them. Days before I was silently soaking in the glory of my private eye skills while we watched (XYZ) on Netflix, and relishing over the fact that the joys of your deceit will soon evaporate into the void during the exact moment you discover you’ve been left with only the lemon flavored ones."
TheOGPotatoPredator
And you are?
"Dudes can be friends for years and not know each other's real name."
theonetrueemanu
"I've lived in my house for 2 years. I chat with my neighbor just about every day when leaving for work. I didn't want to ask him his name so I looked up the property records to find out that information."
ku_chi_mun_chin
"I worked in a grocery store with a guy who went by his middle name. I went by a nickname completely unrelated to my name. We both found out we didn't know each other's real names until 2 years after we started working together."
Funkeysismychildhood
Breathe
Tuesday Morning Reaction GIF by The Secret Life Of PetsGiphy"That big sigh my wife just asked about while we’re watching the 10 o’clock news? Nothing profound, nothing bugging me, I just remembered to breathe."
Gudakesa
Breathing is everything. It can change every moment.
What Up?
houston rockets yo GIF by TwitterGiphy"We have an entire language around the headnod."
baka2k10
"It’s weirdly sophisticated too. You can actually tell how comfortable guys are around each other based on if they say hello with an up-nod or a down-nod."
Juxta_Lightborne
Fake it until...
"Sometimes, that male confidence that you find attractive is us totally faking it while shaking on the inside, insecure AF."
Ok_Technology390
"I just had this exact conversation with my husband the other day. I was telling him how he seems so confident and I would never guess that he's really nervous or that he's not sure of himself."
"I would've never dreamed he gets all nervous and all that good stuff still to this day with me. I don't feel like it's still sunk in completely bc I was so shocked at how nervous he was explaining he'd get at times lol so props to the guys who fake it til they make it. Keep on bc you're doing a good job 💯."
Exciting-Courage4148
Stay Calm
"We don’t want to tell you certain things are worrying us because we do not want you to worry also… now there are just two people worrying, whereas before, one was worrying, and the other was happy, which is a reminder to us not to worry so much."
Mundane_Tour_3215
"It's a bit different if the person you're telling can do something about the issue, but for something currently unsolvable there's no reason to extend the misery to anyone else."
Zncon
Just say it!
"Please for the love of God let us know if you’re into us. Don’t wait for us to tell you first because we won’t because we don’t want to be called creeps."
Wunderbolts
"My current partner and I used to flirt and talk through text all day, every day for months before I told our best friends. I was so into him, but unsure how he felt. My girlfriend was like: he’s usually just like that; he’s friendly with all of our other friends that are girls and would even ask me if I wanted to stream things with him when [her bf and his best friend] was at work."
"So I put that to rest. But then his friend helped a little bit by interfering and he was nonchalant about his feelings for me to him. When I got the green light I should just do it, I admitted my feelings for him. We’re close to celebrating a year in our LDR. We met in person for the first time a couple of months ago and he’s coming here soon. Best decision of my life to just say how I was feeling."
emeraldpotion
So many secrets.
So many truths.
Lesson? Try not to worry.
People Who Fulfilled Their Lifelong Dream But Hated The Experience Share What Happened
As kids, we all had big dreams and aspirations.
But sometimes as adults, when we start achieving those big dreams, we start to wonder why we dreamed about them in the first place.
Redditor buzzkill007 asked:
"Have you ever dreamed of doing something your whole life only to find out, once you did it, that you hated it?"
"What was it?"
A Former Performer
"I spent six years of my life in the choir, thinking I wanted to be an opera singer or perform in musicals."
"I got to my first year of college as a vocal performance major and realized I wasn't actually willing to learn most of what was required. I had never played an instrument or taken lessons on it before, so I was s**t at music theory. Then I had to take a piano class, which I was also s**t at, with three more years of those to expect in the future."
"I didn't have the same kind of flamboyant music kid personality as all my classmates, so I had a difficult time getting along with everyone, too."
"The only thing I had was a good voice but without any interest in anything other than actively singing. I finally realized that it wasn't the career path for me and that I didn't want to become famous or deal with the bulls**t that comes along with trying to get consistent work in that industry."
"I found that I enjoy singing most when my husband is having a difficult time, and I can help him fall asleep at night by just singing his favorite song. He's knocked out by the time I finish the first stanza usually. It makes me feel like I didn't waste all that time for nothing."
- KarlieNatasha
The Game Builder
"Video game development. There was way more math than I anticipated."
- catalystjoe
"I can here to say the same, video game development. It was my dream since I was very young. I spent all of college working towards it and worked an entry-level dev job and then a mid-level dev job to get prepared."
"Finally, the time came and I was hired by a game development company. My dream job! I lasted 18 months and I will never, ever consider doing it again."
"Game developers are not only worked to the bone and paid poorly (by software engineering standards), but they are also treated like college students working on a team project. No autonomy, no flexibility. Management was h**l-bent on butts being in seats exactly at start time, exactly 60-minute lunches or you are written up, work until 6:00 PM if you’re lucky and until 10:00 PM if you aren’t, but hey, they would spring for s**tty delivery food!"
"Everything about the job, I hated. And, the kicker, the main difference between the business apps I was building before and the games I was building during was the variable and function names."
"Unless you are very young or very VERY passionate about making games, DO NOT go into game development. If you want to build games, do it in your free time."
- hightrix
The Glamorous Pilot
"Being a pilot. I dreamed about it constantly as a kid. I finished all my ratings by the age of 20 and lasted four years on the job before I realized how shady the industry was (the charter industry back in the early 2000s)."
"I drive ships now."
- prominently_hidden
The Long-Awaited Name Change
"I changed my name. When the name change was accepted and I received the letter with my new name on it, I freaked out and changed it back the same day."
- sour-d
The Idllyic Psychiatrist
"I thought I'd be a practicing psychologist, but I had a very idealistic view of it. Like the patient lying on the couch, telling you about their life problems, then you telling them something and giving them a breakthrough. Mental illness cured!"
"I did complete my psych undergrad, and I loved the subject matter, but after doing my internship at Child and Family Services it was very clear to me that I wasn't cut out for clinical work. I certainly would have burned out, and barely made enough money to live as a case worker."
"I got my masters in HCI/UX and made my career in tech, which was a great decision. I have nothing but respect for the boots-on-the-ground social workers, but I'm gonna continue to read books about psychology instead of working in it."
- plasma_dan
Romantic Dream Come True
"I grew up watching romance movies and reading romance novels and always dreamed of a guy coming and sweeping me off my feet and then having hot sex with me."
"When I actually got into my first relationship with a guy, I realized I was gay."
- ukrainianironbelly92
Not Just Curing Cancer
"I dreamed of working in a lab. I wanted to help cure viruses and diseases. But it turned into monotonous days of pipetting, plating germs, and tediousness that was soul-sucking."
- deoxy75
The Aspiring Architect
"I wanted to be an architect so I became one. I quickly learned that the only people who actually get to be creative are the people who own the firm."
"The pay sucks and they grind through young architects but you require a very expensive degree and testing to get your license is expensive and difficult."
"It's very dependent on the economy and at the first sight of a downturn everyone gets laid off Slow to recover as well as construction sometimes lags."
"There are long terrible hours doing sh*t work to make some stupid design some partner thought up actually work in a technical sense for months on end only to have a client say it’s too expensive anyway and you end up with a square glass box."
"It's also very deadline driven like, 'we’re digging a hole on Monday so be done or we’re all fired,' so high stress for s**t pay."
- Lejanius
The Successful Tech
"I wanted to make it big in tech, like my mother did, who spurred my interest in tech as a child."
"Then I got into tech and understood my mother survived in tech because she was one of the megad**ks that make tech so toxic."
"I was the 'I'm here to get along and make money' kind of tech. She was the 'You can't take my promotion from me if I get you fired' kind of tech."
- Surprise_Corgi
The Joys of Pet Care
"I thought I would love being a dog groomer. I love dogs and working with my hands."
"What a load of s**t. Owners are a**holes, some dogs were a**holes, horrible bosses, unrealistic targets, and you get scratched, bitten, s**t on, and hair gets everywhere, even in your eyes. Unless you work for yourself, it’s a crap job, and maybe even then."
- posh_old_bird
Visiting Las Vegas
"Vegas was such a huge letdown for me. I grew up in Atlantic City and now live in the south and have been to Biloxi's casinos a lot... and I always heard about the majesty of Vegas... and the OUTSIDE of casinos were cool, but I guess the insides of casinos are all done by the same designers... The only difference with Vegas was everything cost more."
"And those guys flicking the cards to hand you porn cards like real-life pop-up ads when you're walking downtown..."
- UncleGrako
Veterinary Care
"Being a veterinarian. I never became a vet, but one of my first jobs in high school, having wanted to be a vet my whole life, was in a vet clinic. I was ecstatic."
"But vet clinics are depressing as f**k. Dogs and cats hit by cars coming into the clinic in horrendous pain. It always smells like s**t from fecal floats (checking for worms), pets that got put down but could have been saved if only their owners could have afforded it."
"There are always two freezers in the basement, one for dead dogs, and one for dead cats. They get hauled to the basement freezer in trash bags in case they release waste after they die. I couldn't take it after only a few months and left."
- Competitive-Ad-9662
The Chopping Block
"Being a Chef. I left high school in year 10 to get a certification in commercial cookery as I loved cooking and making dishes at home."
"I loved it for the first few months and then realized how draining it is. I do split shifts 9:00 AM to 2:30 PM, and then again from 5:00 PM to 9:00 PM, sometimes 9:30 PM. It's exhausting after doing it for four years. You lose your appetite completely."
"I recently had a knee injury and have been off for a few weeks, and it's really made my anxiety and depression calm down after not being torn to bits by chefs who have had 20 or more years of experience and 'know' everything."
"It's making me realize that I've made the wrong career choice."
- Acats3
Confessions of a Not-Shopaholic
"I know it sounds stupid, but mine was a shopping spree."
"My family never really had much money, so I could go out on a shopping spree with friends, and if I did go out with them, I was always the one left holding the bags or feeling left out."
"When I did manage to get a few things for myself on occasion, like if I had a birthday or Christmas money, it was always what others wanted me to wear and never anything for myself that I truly loved."
"I felt weird because I was always told girls are meant to love shopping, like my friends did, but I just hated it and chalked it up to not having much cash and being dragged about from store to store."
"I came into some money years ago and was able to have a shopping spree. I decided to go alone so I could buy what I wanted without others' influence, but I hated it still. I couldn't justify the prices I knew my friends usually would spend, and I felt so overwhelmed by everything."
"I also found that while being alone, I could be honest with myself, especially with nobody pushing me to buy their style, and I very quickly realized I was quite alternative and gothic, and none of the shops fit my style."
"I left overwhelmed, sad, and disappointed and realized I never felt off because I didn't have money or felt left out. I felt off because I really didn't like shopping or crowds, and I was not accepting my true style."
- HotTemperedGoose
'Never Work a Day in Your Life' ...Maybe.
"This whole thread is a good reason why you should never turn your hobby into a job."
- somethingweirder
"Don't ruin something you love. Do something you're good at, instead. And do what you love as a hobby."
- jprause
From the time we were kids, there were things that we always wanted to do.
But like anything else in life, some things are not going to be as great as we thought they would be.