Guy's Social Awkward Roommate Wants Him To Be His Wingman, And He's Not Having It

It's really not our jobs to take on the social shortcomings of our peers, but some people really want to try and make it our responsibility. What would you do if your socially inept roommate started treating you like you owed them attention?
u/throwawaymooselock told us his story:
My [23M] socially awkward roommate [25?M] is starting to creep me out - moving is not an option
Transferred to new school, moved to new apartment complex on campus, meant for students. Not a dorm but similar (random roommate that is also a student). I'm on a one year lease that started in August, changing rooms is not an option. Luckily I have my own room with a bathroom and everything, but there is a shared living space with a kitchen.
Posted about this earlier, has gotten worse. Summary of the weird shit my new roommate did that I mentioned in that post:
- First time I meet him, he invites me on a trip to Vegas within 15 minutes of meeting him. After that he started asking me a bunch of really weird/creepy questions about how to talk to women and how to get them to hook up with you
2. First day of me moving in he insists that I throw a party on Friday. I told him I don't want to, but he carries on acting as if this hypothetical party is actually thing, keeps on asking me about the plans and who I'm going to invite. I had to tell him 4 or 5 times that I'm not throwing a party. After that he insisted that I "at least invite 3 girls over."
3. Sometimes I hear him through the walls loudly talking to himself. One time I heard him shouting the same phrase over and over again for about an hour (no idea what he was saying, different language). Also, in general he has no social awareness and is super awkward to talk to.
4. Every Friday and Saturday night when I come home he is still up just sitting on the couch drinking alone, and every time he basically starts interrogating me on what I was doing that night. Not in a friendly way asking about how my night was, he sounds like a cop talking to a suspect, "what were you doing tonight!?" , and he keeps pressing for details.
Anyway last night he just went way over the top. I came home at around 130 AM and it was the same drill of him interrogating me about my night. I was clearly annoyed by him and not really answering, but I think he's pretty much just completely clueless. After that he started begging me come downtown with him just to walk around and "talk to girls." I had to tell him no 20+ times but he just wouldn't shut up about it, and would act all sad everytime I said no. He even told me that he would only go if I came with him. After repeatedly telling him no over and over again, he started to just make shit up to try to convince me to go with him. His lies were just so nonsensical and contradictory, I don't know how he actually expected me to believe this stupid BS.
Anyway, at first I just thought this guy was socially awkward and annoying, but now he is actually starting to creep me out. Any advice for dealing with people like this ? Keep in mind that I'm on a one year lease, I'm stuck being this guy's roommate for another year, there's no way around that. I just have to figure out a way to deal with this guy.
TL;DR: new roommate is socially awkward, annoying, and really creepy. Moving is not an option. Help.
Here was some of the advice he got.
One
As long as switching roommates is 100% not an option (and I highly encourage you to beat that dead horse on whether that's the case), here are a couple things you could try. Note: all my suggestions really suck for you but since your roommate isn't going to change his ways, you unfortunately will have to change yours.
1.) ALWAYS keep your door locked to your room. When you sleep, when studying, when you leave. I'm not saying your roommate will necessarily do something weird but you want to protect your safe space as much as possible. If you don't have the key to your door to lock from the outside, ask your landlord. If you can't lock it from the outside, see what external locking options are available, install when your roommate isn't around, and just uninstall/patch the door to get security back.
2.) Get a mini fridge and hot plate (if allowed) or microwave/toaster oven for your room. In a college town you can probably find these things keep cheap on college Facebook pages or Craigslist. Eliminate the need to linger in shared spaces as much as possible.
3.) Don't invite friends over. You don't want your roommate trying to latch onto your friend group like he's done to you.
4.) Try to learn his schedule to avoid him. Don't obviously be a stalker about it but take note of when he comes and goes so you can get a feeling of what night's you can walk in casually without worrying about him and what nights you might want to hang longer at a friend's
5.) Freeze him out. Sounds like you're doing this already by clearly telling him no. That's awesome. Continue with that and keep interactions very surface. Don't talk really about what's up with you and then bounce as soon as you can. If he follows you, say yo dude really gotta study and stop engaging till he gets bored.
Honestly, writing this out I feel like this sounds kinda extreme. Maybe others will support less ride or die methods, including yourself. But whatever you do, just try your best to focus on you and your studies. Good luck!
Two
Three steps.
First : Do not engage. You are no contact beyond civilities with this man now. If he starts interrogating you when you go home, say you are tired and need to go to bed now. Ignore everything he says after that, just go into your room, close the door. Get yourself a lock, if you don't have one already, so you can be absolutely sure he doesn't follow you or go there when you are not home.
No shared meals. No talking. You say good morning and good night and that's it. If he talks to you, you are busy and need to study alone in your room. If he talks to you whilst you are in a shared space and you can't leave (e.g. because you are cooking in the shared kitchen), you need to concentrate on your task and can't talk. Ignore him. You don't answer his questions about where you went or what you did. Remove him from your social media.
ANY information and interaction will further whatever delusions he has about you being his friend or wingman or partner in his quest of getting laid or doing other weird shit. It will get worse the more you engage.
Second: Talk to your housing department. Try to find a way to swap houses. There must be emergency protocol in place. Press until they give you that, even if they tell you they can't move you at first. State that you feel unsafe, creeped out, and extremely uncomfortable. If they don't give an immediate response, call after a few days, remind them of your case. If worse comes to worst, threaten to inform student newspapers, the student union, the person you are talking to's superior, a complaints department. Let the person you are talking to give you their name so you can threaten a personalised complaint directly against them, that will motivate them more. Stay calm and civil throughout even threats of complaints.
Third: Rule 1 should already cover that you don't talk to this man about women and girls, but Rule 3 also says that no female human walks into your flat from now on unless you can be absolutely, 100%, beyond a shadow of a doubt be certain that he is not there for the entire duration of her stay, EVEN if you will be with her for its entirety. For you, he is a creep and makes you feel uncomfortable. For women, this kind of man is an actual danger. He is what assault is made of. Do NOT get any woman into his vicinity, since you WILL be risking her safety and well-being.
Best of luck. You seem like a lovely, considerate fellow and the fact that his creepiness, especially the parts of it directed against women, cause you to want to stand up to him really means a lot to me as a woman.
Three
I have worked for housing similar to what you are in. They ALWAYS have at least a few rooms available in case of emergency situations that require a tenant to get away from a situation. If you press enough and talk to someone high up enough you will be able to move it is just a matter of getting past the screen of lower branch staff that don't have any power or knowledge to help you. Most of them have no idea these rooms exist and have been told everything is full.
Keep trying and until that comes through go with no contact. I wouldn't acknowledge their existence with the behavior he is exhibiting. If you can, wear headphones whenever you leave and enter and in any common areas.
Four
I scrolled through this whole thread at didn't see this posted once: OP if you feel that your roommate has serious mental health issues that are not addressed (and it sounds like he does) you can call the non-emergency police number and they can come out and do a welfare check.
Also, many schools offer legal services for students, so I would check that out as a possible resource.
Five
You just have to out weird him so he starts avoiding you. Never break eye contact and always have a smile full of teeth on your face. Periodically lean in and sniff him. Tell him you want to know what he looks like on the inside. Mumble nonsense when you speak to him but slip in weird sh*t like "slippery" and "beautiful".
Six
Dude. Get out. Even if you have to pay. It's just not worth it. I hate to say it and hopefully I'm just being paranoid, but this guy could physically hurt you. He sounds just unhinged and desperate enough to possibly become violent. You can google a bunch of news articles about creepos who have murdered their roommates. Maybe I've read one too many, but I think it's better to get out before he gets worse.
Seven
I know this isn't something that is easy to...not too obviously bring up, but he needs a therapist. If he engages with you, bring up that you've been thinking of selling a therapist or maybe that your glad a friend you have has started seeing one. Maybe your campus has a councilor or perhaps there's a local mental health center. Idk it's a hard one. But don't irritate or engage them when they say/do crazy things as much as possible, but when he does normal positive things, respond positively. Idk man best if luck.
Eight
I would ask if they did a background check on him. They might tell you it's ironclad, but if you say you feel unsafe with this stranger they placed you with and you're thinking of getting the police involved I'm almost positive they'll be rushing to help you with this situation. They don't want any lawsuits.
Nine
I only got through most of the comments, but it appeared as though only /u/silsool actually knows how to adult. If you absolutely can not get out of the lease and move elsewhere, have you thought about just being honest and talking to this guy about this? Maybe he just can't ever be socially normal and you'll have to resort to hiding from him, but maybe he's never been told he's not socially normal. My sister-in-law is like this. A lot of her behaviours are reminiscent of 4-year olds everywhere, and because her parents enable this behaviour she has never learned that it is socially inappropriate (if my husband and I try, she runs crying to the other room and her mother consoles her... and we're made out to be the bad guys.)
It's not your responsibility to parent this dude, but it is your responsibility to ensure your living space is a comfortable one. You don't need to have a dramatic sit-down discussion with him, just do what silsool has already suggested. Every time he starts with his BS tell him it's socially inappropriate, this is why he can't get girls to talk to him, he creeps you out which is why you don't want to be near him. Then just stop engaging completely for the rest of the night. You also need to stop rewarding his behaviour. Do not tell him anything about your life. Stop repeating no like a broken record. One 'no' then freeze him. If he doesn't get it after a week, then it's appropriate to completely freeze him out; which means don't even say the word no to him. One week is more than enough time for even a socially inappropriate normalperson to get it.
The other completely sensible adult thing to do, which has been mentioned, is to lock your door. If this guy is inappropriate verbally, I can guarantee you is already inappropriate physically... as in stealthily going through your shit.
I once had a roommate much like yours, that I had to live with, and I was too immature to handle it in an adult way. My living situation would have been greatly improved if I had adulted instead of hiding myself in my room.
Ten
There is some really great advice here but unless I missed it I would recommend keep mace and some sort of weapon close by in your room. Also, periodically check the smoke detectors and make you have a fire extinguisher or two. Particularly.one in your room. I know this may seem weird but his behavior reminds me of a friend who had a roommate exactly like this. His behavior escalated until he had a full on psychotic break and became very violent and dangerous to the point where the guy was threatening friends life. He could just be a major creep, of course but its better to be safe than sorry until you figure out a way to get away from this guy.
It's a teacher's job to leave a lasting impression and set a good example for their students.
With this in mind, particularly in this age of viral videos and social media, teachers have to be very careful of what they say during class hours.
Even so, there are very few teachers who haven't said something they've regretted when teaching a class.
Sometimes to control unruly students, other times when they've simply had enough.
Then too, sometimes teachers leave their students baffled and perplexed by what they say in their classroom, well aware of what they were saying.
Always making for a memorable story.
"What’s the wildest thing you’ve ever heard teacher say in class?"
And Anyone With Such Closed Minded Views Shouldn't Be Teaching...
"Had the Head of the Department in college claim in class that anyone who actually needs accommodations for mental health issues should not be in college to begin with."
"This was while we were discussing 'Death of a Salesman' and the discussion had veered over to unhealthy pressure and social standards for success."- RavensQueen502
Wait what?!
"My very well-respected Biology teacher in college spent almost an entire lecture telling us that Jamie Lee Curtis was a hermaphrodite."
"It seemed oddly personal to him."- Urbane_Cowboy
Sad On So Many Levels
"Not heard but my freshmen year high school teacher once pulled a bottle of Jack out of his desk and took a shot during class."
"He was dying so towards the end I think he just stopped caring."- Mangothefello
Can't Take The Heat, Then Stay Out Of The Classroom...
"High school science teacher told my class that a kilometre was longer than a mile."
"Refused to budge when refuted and kicked out several students for doing so."- SupersonicDebris13
"5th grade teacher: 'Mount Whitney in California is the tallest mountain in the world'."
"5th grade me blurts out: 'No it isn't, Mount Everest is."
"Whitney is not even the tallest mountain in the USA, which is Mount McKinley in Alaska'."
"I got in trouble for 'contradicting the teacher'."- gtmattz
It's Not Just Students Who Are Bullies...
"I had a teacher ridicule a fat kid about his lunch choices in front of the whole class."
"He ran out crying as she was making fat guy blimp gestures and telling him he was going to be huge as an adult."- SnooOwls5859
Some Dramatic License It Seems...
"I had a literature teacher who told the class that he didn't believe in dinosaurs, because the universe is only a couple thousand years old."
"The bones were put there by Satan."
"Thank f*ck he wasn't a science or history teacher."- AllBadAnswers
Everyone Deserves Nice Acomodations...
"My English teacher told us that he genuinely believes that the Rothchilds own a hotel for aliens in the Bermuda triangle."- TroyLear77
Well, Then...
"We had this kid in our 6th-grade class."
"Very dark skinned kid from Africa."
"His name was Tajak."
"Every now and then when we'd line up to go to another class or lunch and the lights would go out some of his friends would go 'where Tajak at?'"
"Anyway one day we had a sub and we we're lining up for lunch, the lights went out and there went the 'where Tajak at?' and the SUBSTITUTE TEACHER who was also black went 'Boy you darker than night'."
"6th grade was f*cking wild."- 11221mikew
Sad Premonitions
"Psych teacher in high school told us that 1 in 10 of the people were friends with in high school would be dead within 5 years of graduating."
"At the time I thought it was hyperbole, but it turns out he was being conservative."
"3 of the people in my high school friend group were dead by the time I was 22."- Reddit
Do They Really Need A Reason?
"'Now girls, don't you let them boys touch your breasts'."
"'It'll give you cancer'."- jondru
Maybe Should Have Checked With The Geography Teacher?
"A teacher in Elementary school claimed during history class that the Colosseum was in Greece, as an Italian kid I was very confused, this was in Mexico."- Spascucci
So Much For Instilling Hope...
"Didn't hear this personally, but read in a book about a guy who recalled his teacher skipping chapters in a textbook and saying 'You will not need to know this when you are down in the mines'."- futanari_kaisa
The mark of a good teacher is that students will take everything they hear from them with them for the rest of their lives.
Though, the less-than-wonderful teachers may also say things their students will never forget.
People Who've Had A Serious Illness Describe The Exact Moment They Knew Something Was Really Wrong
As a kid, I never raised alarm bells even when I started to feel sick. My mom got stressed easily and was busy taking care of my younger brother, so I never wanted to be a burden by making her take me to the doctor only to find out nothing was wrong.
However, in fifth grade, my ears started to hurt and I knew something was wrong. I told my mom, she took me to the doctor, and I found out I had an ear infection.
Now, an ear infection isn't serious at all, and it was easily treatable. Still, I learned something from that experience: no one knows your body better than you. You know if and when you're sick and how serious it is, even if you don't now exactly what is wrong.
Redditors can corroborate this. Many of them have experienced symptoms that told them they were sick in some way -- usually with a very serious illness -- and are ready to share those experiences.
It all started when Redditor thelearner18 asked:
"People who have had a serious disease (cancer, MS, organ failure, etc) when did you realize something was really wrong?"
A Lesson Learned
"Hust found out i have rectal cancer. 42 yrs old. multiple stools per day, not fully emptying, thin poop. so got a colonoscopy. bam! cancer. starting chemo next week. lesson learned for everyone....if your stools or stool schedule changes, go see a doctor"
– shawngee03
A Lucky Break
"I had been having a lot of pain in my midsection, and all around my torso for several weeks. I went to the doctor and it was dismissed as gynecological cramping (menopausal?). It remained. After several weeks (6-8) I couldn’t take it anymore. I went to emergency in the middle of the night. I got a CT scan that showed a large kidney stone. They also found a mass on my ovary. The kidney stone lead them to finding a rare ovarian cancer. If not for that stone, I wouldn’t have known about the cancer and might not have caught it in time. I have been in remission since September 2021."
– peachsqueeze66
Cause For Concern
"My kid, who was 14 at the time, kept throwing up in the morning and having weird headaches. Her doctor thought it was migraines. She went back a couple of times, but the doctor was not concerned. Then one day she complained of a whooshing noise in her ear. Went to the children’s hospital and found out it was a brain tumor near her cerabellum. She was in ICU for a month, but turned out it was non cancerous and it never grew back. She is doing great now."
– Evilelfqueen
"I heard a whooshing noise in my ear a few years ago I only really heard it at night when it was quiet it would sometimes switch ears now I basically never hear it. I'm pretty sure it was just pulsatile tinnitus but still scary."
– fallen-summer
It Was The Salt
"I have Cystic Fibrosis (terminal lung disease) and it was found out when I didn't sh*t for 3 days after I was born and then my mother gave me a kiss and said I tasted REALLY salty."
"Now I'm on a gene modification drug called Trikafta and this is some serious witch craft a** sh*t because I no longer feel sick to death and I basically feel like a normal person. It's f*cking wild!
"Went from 19% lung function to 87% in 3 months. I no longer cough my a** off or feel like I'm suffocating from mucus. Go science!"
– Sudden_Blueberry_477
A Funky Optic Nerve
"I was diagnosed with MS when I was 22 after having blurred vision in one eye after a ski trip. I went to the optometrist and they said I had a dry eye probably from not wearing goggles while snow boarding. So they gave me steroid drops. After a week it kept getting worse, so I went back and they told me my eye looked much better so they did a field of view test, which showed I couldn’t see anything out of the lower half of one eye. They sent me straight to the emergency room since nothing was wrong physically wrong with my eye. They did some tests and I was diagnosed with MS and ended up going completely blind in one eye. My vision eventually came back and I got on medication within a month so haven’t really had any symptoms or issues since thankfully. I’m only 29 now though."
– johnjohn9312
Caught It In Time
"This isn't me, but this happened to my best friend VERY recently. Like in the last couple of months."
"Was perfectly fine and healthy one day. Then the next he started feeling a little bit of pain in his kidney. He'd had kidney stones before, so he figured it was that again. Then he started peeing blood. He thought it was still part of the kidney stone thing so let it go for a couple days, but he was still peeing blood and the pain was getting worse."
"That's when he decided to go to the doctor. They did an X-ray and found a mass in his kidney and told him that based on where it was located they can't remove the mass, and they can't do a partial kidney removal, and it's about a 90% chance it's cancerous, but they wouldn't be able to do a biopsy without removing the kidney first. They did the whole insurance dance, but it went fast and within two weeks he was in surgery having his kidney removed."
"He's still recovering at home right now, but they got the biopsy results last week. It was indeed cancerous, but they caught it before it spread."
– SweetCosmicPope
Happily Ever After
"I couldn’t walk anymore with my crutch I had been using to get by. Had Been on Percocet for 8 months because of the extreme pain. Nobody was finding answers to my pain but I knew something was wrong, badly. After finally having an ultra sound on my hips at the age of 26 I found out I had to undergo a double hip replacement to walk again due to a serious rare disease. I was stage 4 Avascular Nercrosis. Took a year to recover from both. But Happier ending, I’m doing good now. However it was very very upsetting news to get over a phone call at 26."
– heartpathetic
It Really Sneaks Around
"My wife started getting numbness in her right arm. The breast cancer had spread to her right shoulder and the tumor was crushing the nerves. She has stage four breast cancer in her bones."
– zenos_dog
A Turn For The Worse
"For me, it started May 14, 2014. I went to work and was having a good morning. Then, at about 9:00 in the morning or so, I started to feel some lower abdominal pain. Not to be crude, but it felt like that cramp you get when you really need to go to the bathroom. I did so, but the pain didn't go away. It got worse. I started to feel chills, was sweating, and felt nauseated. My employer has a clinic on site, so I went there. After some poking and prodding, the nurse asked me if I wanted to go home or if I wanted to go to the emergency room. I decided to go home, and if the pain didn't subside, then I'd go to the emergency room. As I was saying that, though, I noticed that my pain had gotten a LOT worse. They always make you rate your pain on a scale of 0 to 10, with 0 being no pain at all and 10 being the worst pain you've ever felt. When I went into the clinic, I was mostly uncomfortable, maybe a high 2 going into a 3. On that very subjective scale, I was now a 6 or a 7."
"I changed my mind and decided to go straight to the nearest emergency room. My boss drove me, and by the time we got there about 15 minutes later, I was now a 10. This was the worst pain I'd ever felt. My previous definition of the worst pain I'd ever felt was when I broke 7 bones in my wrist, it was misdiagnosed as a sprain, and I had to have them rebroken 2 weeks later. The pain in my abdomen was now worse than that. The emergency room admitted me and put me in a wheelchair. They wheeled me to a room, I curled up on the bed they put me in, and passed out."
"At some point, a nurse came in and gave me some morphine. Great stuff. No pain at all anymore. A doctor came in and told me they suspected a kidney stone. He wanted me to get a CT scan to confirm it, and I agreed. An orderly wheeled me off to imaging. I got scanned without contrast and was wheeled back to the room. My wife had arrived while I was getting scanned. Shortly later, the doctor who told me he thought it was a kidney stone came into the room. With another doctor. And two nurses. They all crowd around me with solemn looks on their faces."
"The first doctor told me it was a kidney stone. A 2 to 3 mm kidney stone had been lodged in the ureter of my left kidney. That's the tube that goes from the kidney to the bladder. It passed into my bladder when they gave me the morphine, but they could see evidence of it on the CT scan. Then the other doctor said they were more concerned about the 6 cm mass they found on my right kidney. They had my attention."
"They did another CT scan, with contrast this time, and it was impossible to see anything but a tumor in the pictures they showed me. They made an appointment for me with a urologist for the next day, as well as an appointment in a few days time to get it biopsied. It was an after-hours appointment for the urologist, but he was nice enough to stay late to see me. He looked at the CT Scans and cancelled my appointment to get it biopsied. He said there was nothing else it could be but cancer, and the kidney would have to go."
"Two months later, I had the kidney and the tumor removed laparoscopically. I was incredibly lucky. They caught it in stage 1. The doctor said there were signs it was going to start moving soon. I have no idea how doctors can look at a softball sized lump of cancer and tell anything other than 'gross', but that's why they're the doctors and I'm not."
"My recovery was smooth, and I've been cancer-free for 9 years. I was incredibly blessed. I didn't have to deal with chemo, or radiation. While those can save your life, they are also horrible experiences with nasty side effects. I didn't have to deal with any of them. I was bracing myself to have to. They said it was a possibility. But I didn't. I have every respect for those not as fortunate as me, and wish them all the best in recovery."
– mnementh9999
Reason #5,622 To Start Exercising
"I started jogging again to try and get back into running shape. I kept noticing that just after a mile or so, I'd stop and get REALLY lightheaded. Kept thinking, "oh, I'm really out of shape" and kept going. Went in a few weeks later for my annual physical and doctor said "you ever been told you have a heart murmur?", no. Two months later I spent Christmas of 2017 in the ICU after having a section of my aorta cut out and a new valve put in. Surgeon said it was bad. Said it wouldn't have made it too much longer."
"Edit: for clarification, it was an aortic dissection."
– Itsawlinthereflexes
Slow And Steady
"My dad's friend went on a hike with a doctor who knew him and he was winded not far from the car. The doctor clocked it right away and told him to get his heart checked. He had 98% blockage in his heart arteries."
"He tells my dad so my dad gets the test to see how his arteries are doing and they found a massive aneurism on his aorta. He is getting it removed tomorrow. He had no symptoms but the doctors said if he had overdone it he would be dead before anyone would even know what was going on. Crazy how a random friend's hike may have saved his life."
– Pencilowner
It Takes A Village
"I never did, my teacher and parents did."
"I was seven, usually an active kid and my first grade teacher noticed that rather than running around at recess I sat down and took a nap. It happened a couple more times and after I fell asleep in class (totally out of character), she gave my parents a call, we had been visiting the doc fairly regularly cause I was also complaining of joint pain and frequent ear infections combined with the new symptoms and a new doc at the practice I was finally diagnosed with leukemia."
– greenmachine11235
Thank goodness for that teacher (and of course, the parents)!
When in the beginning stages of dating, it's important to know as much as humanly possible.
The element of surprise is no longer a fun aspect of romance.
Ask the small questions. Ask the hard questions.
Interrogate. Grill. Investigate.
Of course, you should do it with a subtle hand instead of an interrogation lamp.
The truth is all we have.
Ask everything.
Redditor RedditPenguin02 wanted to make a list of the best inquiries to make when starting a relationship, so they asked:
"What is a good question to ask before you start dating someone?"
From what I've learned in my past, always ask... "Are you into Buffy the Vampire Slayer? The TV show."
If it's a no, then it's a dealbreaker.
I Do
"Are you married?"
wrenchmonkey135
"I would ask that. If they said no, the next question was 'Would your wife agree?'"
"If they laughed, they were telling the truth. If they got indignant and pissed off that I thought they were lying…they were married."
"Worked every time."
Squibit314
We Lived!
"Do you clap when the plane lands?"
dont_u_know
"I swear people used to do this all the time when I was a kid (early 2000’s), and I don’t think I’ve heard anyone do it in 5+ years. I guess 9/11 really made people afraid of flying for about 10 years and then most folks decided they didn’t need to applaud when the plane landed safely?"
jmims98
Family Planning
"Do you want kids in the future? If one person wants kids and the other wants to stay child-free, then they are not compatible. And it is better to try dating someone else."
GoodAlicia
"It confuses me whenever some couples who disagree on this end up in a conundrum because one expected the other to change their mind. This is something I bring up early cause I see no future with someone who wants kids when I do not."
GoodAlicia
"You should always put childfree on your dating profile. It's not a small thing. Either you agree on it or not. If I had to date, I would put childfree on my profile too."
GoodAlicia
Carb it on...
"Do you like bread? That is the extent of my flirting skills."
HumpieDouglas
"Being German, bread is like a frickin' cultural phenomenon here, we have around 300 kinds of bread, there's a bread museum, every time I go on vacation I'm like yeah it's nice here but the bread ain't it yall, never as good as home lol. So yeah, valid question and the only answer to this is an enthusiastic yes."
Nayeliq1
Room Temperature
"What temperature do you set the thermostat to throughout the year?"
OneFingerIn
"Haha this one always gets me as someone who needs low temps - you can always put on more clothes, I can't peel my skin off to get cooler."
djdante
The thermostat is a dealbreaker for me.
It's gonna be 60. Love it or move on.
Discovery
"When was the last time you changed your mind about something?
"Opens a window to how they think."
youcantkillanidea
"If that was really early on in the dating I’d think it was a bit of a head-f**k question. I’d probably find that question a red flag, tone dependent, although I agree with the sentiment."
LivestockMarc
Personal Time
"Aside from major differences about finances, kids, politics, or religion, a big one is; What are your hobbies? If they don’t really have any, you may be the next hobby, which isn’t going to work unless you’ve got that kind of time. If the hobbies are time-consuming ones generally done with a SO."
"But you have no interest in them, that could be an issue as well. If only one of you likes camping, wanted to spend vacation lounging instead of exploring, didn’t like sports, etc either that partner is annoyed or the other feels like they don’t get to enjoy what they love."
Githard
Past Issues
"Ask them about their exes. If they think every single one of them is an a**hole... they are likely the real a**hole."
CantTakeMeSeriously
"I have mixed feelings about that - I've been in three previous relationships and all three were emotionally abusive towards me (one wasn't nearly as bad as the other two, though) in various ways. I know this is a common sentiment and it always makes me afraid that people won't believe me or something.
"I mean, I realize in your comment you said 'likely' and not '100% sure' and there's plenty of room for nuance."
phiore
Values
"I would try to take care of any dealbreakers. If I find out that she has different political values than I do, it's not going to work out in the long run, so I wouldn't bother. Same thing with other factors (religion, financial values, etc.). I would also ask how much cuddling she likes to engage in, as I prefer a lot."
SkullKrusher9000
Essentials
"When I was dating my three essential questions were always kids, sex, and money. If you're not on the same wavelength for any of those three things, just don't even try."
KhaosElement
TRUTH PLEASE!!
"So, how much personal debt do you have?"
"Source: the guy who dated a woman with huge debts and was asked to pay for everything and then some".
"After that, I'd go with, 'Have you ever been diagnosed with borderline, narcissistic, or histrionic personality disorders?"
extracensorypower
The questions are basic.
Just ask for the truth.
Do you have any good Qs to add to the queue? Let us know in the comments below.
As much as we always hop for our dating efforts to be worth it and for every relationship to work out, we all know that some relationships are not destined to work out.
But sometimes relationships end for totally valid reasons, and sometimes the reasons are painful, if not devastating.
Redditor overIorded asked:
"What went wrong with your last partner?"
History Repeating Itself
"He cheated on me. And I was glad because that was finally reason enough to allow myself to leave."
"Now I know somebody who's in the same situation. They're trapped. And she's such a gentle and fun person who's afraid to leave him because 'well, it's always been like this, I'm used to it,' and 'I deserve it.'"
"She wants to leave him, she knows she should leave him, but it's so hard to do it, and I know that feeling."
"I'm thinking I should give her my phone number like when the day comes you've had enough, I'll gladly come to help you move out from that s**thole."
- NmlsFool
Mental Health Struggles
"I'm lost in my own trauma and mental illness and he deserves better than anything I have to offer right now."
- Last-Celery7146
"I’ve been on the receiving end of this, and mildly said, it absolutely ruined me. Her trauma and mental problems were BAD, but I still wanted to be with them. So if you ask me, as long as they can give you the space and support you need, and want to be with you, let them make the decision."
- emilersen
"It's also fair and mature to care very much about someone but realize that you only have the emotional bandwidth to take care of yourself right now."
"I'm sure it was very hard for both of you to come to terms with that decision. I don't think it's that he deserves better, I think it's that your attention needs to be on guiding yourself through this thicket of trauma and mental illness before you can be someone else's partner. You can love each other very much but also acknowledge that you don't have the tools to spare for a relationship right now."
"I'm proud of you for focusing on your own mental health and someday, when you have more emotional stability and energy, I hope you find a wonderful partner."
- SpoonAtKnifeFight
Relationship Styles
"We disagreed on how many women he was allowed to date. I’m very strong on monogamy and have no interest in someone (in a supposedly committed relationship) that isn’t."
- Altrano
At Least There's That
"Her psychotic brother tried to kill me. Thankfully he has a Stormtrooper's aim..."
- Active-Plate7939
"Hate the attempted murder, love the 'Star Wars' reference."
- letmetellyousom
Childfree Living
"He wanted a big family, like, six kids, all-natural. Obviously, he wouldn't be birthing them. This was very important to him while I was pretty ambivalent about kids, and the further into my adulthood I've gotten, the more I've realized I just don't want to be pregnant."
"I broke it off so we could both get the lives we wanted. He was also quite a bit more conservative than me, and at the time closeted pansexual person, and some stuff he believed just didn't line up with what I believed. It hurt, but it was amicable."
"Now he has a wife and kids like he wanted, and I am happily partnered and childfree. It worked out for the best."
- Free-Government5162
Family Ties
"She hated that I had a healthy relationship with my family and was trying to find ways to sabotage it."
- Cobra-Serpentress
"Similar aspect to mine, she hated my sister and mother because she had a bad relationship with her sister and mother. She would get mad at me whenever I brought my family up."
- letmetellyousom
Quality Time
"My last boyfriend dumped me because I got mad that he was coming to Dallas after I hadn't seen him for two months, but didn't want to see me."
"He was going to meet up with some friends of his he hadn't seen in a few months. I told him that was fine with me, but I felt he should make time to see me too since we hadn't seen each other in two months and we were supposed to be a couple."
"He responded to my anger by ghosting me. That was two years ago."
- dallasmysterylover
Distracted with a Punch
"A girl contacted me about him talking to her. I asked him what was going on, and he sucker-punched me in the face."
- Brilliant-Victory128
Projecting Insecurities
"He cheated on me for all six years we were together and then accused me of cheating on him, even though I wasn't allowed to leave the house."
"I'm also pretty sure he slept with my sister-in-law when my brother and I went to pick up dinner."
- Affectionate_Egg1252
Children Come First
"He was and still is no father to his kids, has anger issues, and probably has other mental health issues. I tried for years to help him and help the relationship, but he wasn't having it. After seeing how my oldest suffered under him, I had to leave."
- rintan13
Poor Communication
"I communicated how I felt about many things in the relationship. He never communicated about anything."
- aj_oof0323
"Oh look, it's the last 14 years of my life..."
- empathetic111
"I'm guilty of this, and boy, do I regret not being able to open up about my feelings. It cost me my marriage. But now I'm trying to be more open and share my thoughts and feelings. Just wished I could've done this earlier than later."
Deserving Better
"I started drinking again and became a miserable a**hole due to my own depression and my s**tty job. As such, she didn't get the attention she deserved, and had to put up with my s**tty mood all the time... so she left. I don't blame her."
"So, it was me. I don't know if I trust myself with a relationship again, but aside from the shame of knowing I hurt someone who I loved, and loved me back, but I was too self-absorbed and selfish, I am trying to be a better human to everyone."
"And to my ex: You'll find someone again... someone better."
- cracksintheegg
Big Moves
"He wanted to move to Alaska to be with some girl he was 'friends' with before me."
- dont_be_trash
Alzheimer's Disease
"My ex's early-onset Alzheimers (at the age of 50) and the resulting violence, paranoia, and irrational thinking. I tried to honor my vows, but he was so far out there, I feared for my life."
- No_Transportation258
Different Definitions of Marriage
"She cheated on me after five years total together, the last one of which was while we were engaged. She cheated on me for months, all while I was planning the wedding, working part-time, and going to graduate school so I can support us comfortably in the future."
"I planned on giving her everything I could and sharing the rest of my life with her, and apparently she didn’t care."
- Mountaingoat1001
This conversation just goes to show that relationships can end for all kinds of reasons. Even in relationships where there is still a lot of love and committment, the relationship can still end, just like how the relationship can end suddenly because of a surprising and devastating realization.