Gay People In A Straight Marriage Explain How It Happened
'Til YOUR death do us part!
People's love stories and intimate relationships is first and foremost... "Nobody else's business!" They are however constantly fascinating. How two people or.. three or... four make it work is a miracle. It's difficult accepting yourself and in this current climate in life it's often terrifying to be public about it. So people will hide themselves and try to 'make it work' in a relationship that is probably doomed.
Redditor pbntm wanted to discuss the inner workings of mixed marriage; mixed being...
Maybe next year.
"I'm not sure if I'm really 100% gay, but over time I just kind of lost interest in men. It wasn't always like that. When I first met my husband, we had plenty of sex. No orgasm for me but I remember enjoying it. But like a lot of relationships, the passion faded. After a decade or so I realized that non only did I no longer desire my husband, my fantasy material had changed."
"If I see a pretty woman on the street, it turns my head and makes my heart flutter. If I see an attractive man, I'm curious about his diet and exercise routine. I regularly develop strong, painful crushes on the women around me. I've never been romantically interested in a man other than my husband, ever. All in all, I think I'm at least mostly gay."
"As for our marriage, he knows. We've discussed it at length. We still love each other and are compatible in every other way, so we're staying together. Over a year ago, we agreed I could date women outside of the marriage, but dating is hard and scary and takes time and energy, and I haven't had any. Maybe next year."6079_WSmith
"I grew up in religion and I just had no idea that I was queer. We were already married several years before I realized it. I honestly didn't know you could be homosexual. I had been taught that was a fake thing. I thought the way that I thought about women was how everybody thought."
"I am in pain a lot of the time about it but my husband is absolutely wonderful, and we have an amazing life together, so I choose to do nothing about it."sweetcarolinekisses
For the Coin.
"Did it just for the money. Wife is gay and her parents are wealthy, conservative. All of her sisters already married even though she is the oldest. She wanted a sham marriage to get her parents off of her back and I wanted $200,000 plus the lifestyle of my choice while I'm with her."
"We have a sham shared bedroom for when the in-laws are over but normally I sleep in the office where the gaming PC is and she sleeps in the master bedroom. I can't have girls over, but I am free to do whatever I want in my free time. She has had women over sometimes and she explains to them that I'm her gay roommate/personal trainer."
"What's the end-game here? I never want to get married anyway, but if I want to start a family within the next 5 years I will have to pay back the 200k, with interest. I've already tripled this money though so that's fine."
"Her end-game if I leave? I don't know, but I'll assume she can just tell them that I was unfaithful too many times. The in-laws ask about children, but we keep putting off the conversation."InclusivePhitness
Just Rub it Away.....
"I know an LDS couple where the man is gay and the woman is lesbian. Openly. He blogs about it. But because according to their faith it's wrong, they got married and had children. It was almost like it was a "program" of the church - connecting homosexuals of different genders in order to ensure they quell their "urges". In his blogs he talks about her more like she's a good friend and companion, but there's clearly no Eros there, no spark that glues them in that way."
"On the one hand, it's sad. On the other hand, who the heck am I to judge how people who have different values than I do live their lives? It's weird to me, but it seems to work for them as far as it goes."
"Still tho, I wish dude could just rub up on another dude and be happy."RogueModron
"My Aunt was gay but just kind of denied it for years. She eventually married a man who was basically her best friend and just kind of pretended to be happy with it. She eventually gave birth to her only son (my cousin), but a few years after that she finally came to her own realization that she just wasn't happy pretending she was straight. She came out to her husband at the time about how no matter how much she tried to be attracted to him and love him as a husband, it hurt her inside to do it. And he was... surprisingly accepting of it all things considering."
"He had apparently picked up that she seemed to be in distress whenever they would try to make things work, and for awhile he had blamed himself for it and thought it was his fault for putting her through that pain. So in reality he was somewhat relieved. They both mutually agreed to separate, and were divorced. Both found new partners, they remained great friends, and my cousin lived a pretty balanced life despite having to jump between 2 houses from time to time."C3POH66
"When i was younger i "dated" an older married man for cash, i felt awful doing it but i did what i had to."
"Hearing about his family made me sick. He claimed he would never leave his wife because of their son's health problems, I'm not sure what they were exactly was the issue, but the son was older than me and still living at home."
"I begged him a few times to leave his wife, not for me, but for her, i truly believed he needed to be honest with her, this man had been unfaithful since the day the met. He constantly remarked if she would just die it would solve all his issue, hearing this would make my skin crawl." Sister_rayon
The Wool Puller....
"My dad was gay. He got married for status and propriety, and basically told me as much later in his life. He effectively pulled the wool over my mom's eyes until after my older brother was born. I guess I should be glad they still had me, even though I'm certain she knew by that point."
"I recently found a couple of letters that my mom had sent him during these years. She was absolutely miserable and remained depressed through the remainder of her life."
"He was honestly a lousy dad, and things weren't really much different when he finally jumped ship in my teens. I realize much of his anger and emotional distance may have had its roots in a self-loathing born of a deeply homophobic era. That doesn't change the fact that he basically ruined my mom's life in order to project a desirable social image."
"So to answer the question, it didn't work out so hot."gertalives
"From what I remember of my ex-best-friend, both of his parents were gay and after moving from their country that was pretty against their skin color (and sexuality we later learnt) later divorced and have their own same sex partners now."Black369Ace
The Needed Truth...
"My spouse didn't admit to themselves that they were trans until five years into our marriage and so they didn't feel the "need" to inform me that from their perspective they were a gay male whereas from my perspective they were a straight female."
"So the short of it is that they lied to themselves and me for all that time, even going so far as to omit other former relationships from their "full" list that would have clued me into the truth of the matter."
"The truth came out when it was time to have kids and they couldn't go through with it even though it was a pretty big intention we both expressed before marriage."lightknight7777
"My parents expect me to marry a girl. The impending crap show that will occur when I come out (22 rn, I have no idea when it'll happen) is not something I'm looking forward to."Riko-Sama
"I know a gay person here in Africa who is married. His culture expects it and so he has gone along with it. Even has a kid--it's his for sure because they look like twins. Nonetheless he identifies as gay, not bi. He is very effeminate and it's more like an open secret that he's gay. But since marriage in his culture is more about a social arrangement rather than love it's not a big deal."
"He has a very good job and she wants to be a housewife and so I guess she is ok with the situation. It is kind of funny to me when all his gay friends are over visiting him and his wife is there."
"Does she know about him and his friends? I asked him once and he said she doesn't know anything, but I asked one of his gay friends and he said she knows everything."ontrack
Don't Ask, Don't Tell...
"Not me but my uncle. Married his wife as an alibi. She was a young single mom with a daughter. So she got a man who raised her daughter and my uncle got a family so no one asked questions. A few years ago they broke up, but stayed married and still are best friends. When he finally came out to everyone a few years ago a part of our family cut him and everyone who supported him off. But he's happy now with his lovely boyfriend and he enjoys finally being able to be himself."
"I talked to my aunt about it and she said, she didn't know from the beginning and really loved him, but always had a feeling. She's still in love with him but she knows it's not his fault and he was the greatest husband and father and he's still her best friend."SaschaCawa
Love you mom...
"Not a first person experience, but my buddy in high school's mom was gay. She had extremely homophobic parents and denied that she was gay the majority of her life. She married and had kids, don't ask me how that worked out. They divorced eventually and both remarried, now he has 4 parents."TH4TS4M4ZING
Gay or straight... be kind!
"Not me but my dad. He came out last year, I'm now 25 and have three sisters. Our childhood was pretty good, didn't really have any idea until he came out to us all. He tells us he's always known."
"When he came out I was the only one that really accepted him, my family was quite religious at the time. He left my sick mother and moved to the other side of the country to be with a new boyfriend. Now they want to move into the house he and my mother built together."
"Now, none of my sisters talk to him. Slowly I keep getting more and more information about what was going on throughout my childhood. Reports of cheating and huge amounts of crippling debt are making their way to me and making me rethink my childhood. Part of me feel that I don't really know the man who is my father. I still love him but this secret he has had to carry around for my whole life seems to have caused him to make choices that have hurt our family."
"Not really the best."jazzvibe
"Had an uncle in this position."
"He was legitimately in love with his wife (they were high school sweethearts) and they had four kids, he just wasn't sexually attracted to her. Eventually he cheated, caught a serious STI and at that point came clean. They divorced."
"It was a bad situation for everyone involved in the end."sirgog
Carry on girl!
"I am South African. My family is very religious and homophobic. They will literally rather die than have LBGTQ daughter. I am in a secret relationship with a girl. They think she is my roommate/ best friend. So we are able to get away with it. I know a closet gay African guy in my situation and he is willing to marry me as a cover up for both of us. However, my girlfriend does not agree and will not allow it. So stressful and depressing."
"I woke up to all these amazing messages , thank you so much for your help. And Encouraging words. Working on permanently moving to Another country. I have been traveling out of South Africa multiple times with short stay visas. Working on getting permanent residency. Thank you all for the kind messages. ❤️💚"ibabaka
Therapy is fun!
"My ex came out after 8 years of marriage and 2 kids. He sexuality was deeply suppressed due to her upbringing and was only uncovered while in therapy for other issues. 10 years later, I'm happily remarried, the kids are doing well, and she is in a same sex relationship."Canucklehead_Esq
In & Outed!
"I'm a lesbian from a religious and conservative area/family that heavily considered doing this as a teenager."
"However, my good friend (who is also gay, and in the closet) had a really hard time when his father came out as gay. He had been having an affair with a man for awhile and it just broke his mom's heart. She was very upset, and rightfully so... not only about the affair but that her whole marriage and relationship was a lie. My friend was upset by this too, and ended up coming out because he didn't want to do this to anyone. I decided soon after I'd never marry someone I didn't love, because it wouldn't be fair to them."
"Ended up coming out in my mid-20s and my family was super accepting and I currently have a gorgeous, intelligent and very patient fiancée my family adores."
"I have strong feelings about this... I understand the pressure to conform and the fear of being "outed" but you have to consider the other person as well."Icarus_Dee
4 is the best #!
"This used to be so commonplace that Southern grannies of my Nana's generation even had a word for it. A 'white marriage' was when one or more homosexual people got married in what looked like a hetero union, but the actual situation was based on a deep friendship. One might see a lesbian lady and a gay gentleman pairing off to keep up appearances, a straight lady and a gay gent, a pair of asexuals, or any combination. And so long as they were happy and kept any drama to themselves, it wasn't a problem."
"Of course, there was also such a thing as 'practically double twins' or a 'merry foursome' which in Nana's generation's slang was when a pair of white marriages were clearly just the best of couple friends, did everything together, and everyone in town would sort of smile at what close friends these two obviously straight couples must be. Certainly not two gay men and two lesbians. Definitely not. Right."
"And the whole town just kind of went along with that, because friends are adorable and couples are adorable and happy families were so rare in the Flannery O'Connor-esque Southern Gothic horrorshow that was life back then, a slight suspicion here or there wasn't really that big a deal. Apparently Nana's childhood best friend's grandparents were a merry foursome whose respective kids had paired off after the one returned from boarding school, and the whole family was very happy. Their family is still friends with ours."spiderqueendemon
"Dare I say.... bi-accident." Morwen_Kalir
"This is the only correct answer. I love it!"I_try_and_fail
Sorry for your loss...
"My husband came out as gay last month and now we are getting a divorce after being with each other for 17 years married for 2 i met him in the 4th grade as a friend and we evolved from there... he said he can't be with me anymore and although I am doing better I am absolutely still devastated any of this is happening." BBQpringles
"I'm super late, but I'm a straight Male married to a gay woman. Sexuality is definitely a spectrum. If super straight was 1, and super gay was 10, she cruises at about a 9. She identifies as Pan, but definitely favors innies."
"She's had more girlfriends than me. She was married previously to a man. When she decided to leave him, she had pretty much given up on guys. We were really good friends. The kind of deep personal bond that you get with someone, where even if you've only known them for months, it feels like years. We are on the same "wavelength" on some many things. Eventually we stopped pretending like there was no sexual chemistry between us and started dating. Married a few years later."
"We have a very healthy sexual relationship. Some might call it alternative. I understand she has desires that I, as a man, can't fulfill. I have no problem with her fulfilling those desires with others. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. But with love, understanding, a strong friendship as a base, and compassion, we make it through."ShortyLow
No sex please...
"Not married but been together for 3 years. We met through a mutual friend. He's always known I'm gay. We had 3 months was an extremely, extremely emotionally intense friendship. He's the nicest person I've ever made and the person I wish I was. Could not adore him more. Still can't."
"Then we started hanging out one-on-one constantly. I knew I completely 100% loved him emotionally and wanted to see if I could make it work. I was always the one who suggested and initiated everything. He was always hesitant because he knew I was gay and needed to feel sure it's what I wanted. Plus he had never done anything before- not even kissing. All of the firsts were fun and exciting because it was he was so happy and amazed and thankful."
"And then 3 years whizzed by. Still not "out" to friends and family about it, though at this point they pretty much know. It's working out as good as possible. We're technically poly, but I've made no efforts to date other woman recently because of my depression. We've had an active poly relationship in the past which me and him handled decently well."
"Our emotional connection is fantastic. We were soul mates in the first couple months of knowing each other, and that hasn't changed at all. He's thoughtful, intelligent, hardworking, dependable, sensitive, kind, witty, adorable: he embodies every value I care about and is the best friend you could ever have."
"Plus sex isn't the worst thing ever. I'm indifferent and "bleh" more so than disgusted or traumatized. Feels like I'm just doing my best friend a weird, mildly gross favor that makes them far more happy than it makes me feel icky. Penetrative is the one thing that really fucks me up because of the physical pain, so it's very rare and I'm always the one to initiate it. In general I get a lot emotionally out of pleasing him. We both get a lot out of making the other person happy."
"But that only goes so far. I know I'm not sexually satisfied and it's not enough for me to just have this one relationship forever. I've told him that and he knows. He's always known. We're just enjoying it for what it is as long as it makes us both happy. I think that's as much as you can ask for in any relationship. Or just in life, really."Geigas
Pray it away...
"Child of a gay man who married a woman to be a good Christian here."
"He left my mom with two kids to have a string of partners, eventually marrying a millionaire. He lives with his husband in an actual mansion while his ex wife and children live in a tiny house that we can't afford/repair. Holes in the siding, leaky pipes and roof, dilapidated wooden monstrosity that used to be a deck, family of squirrels in the attic we can't get rid of, etc."
"He at least texts me sometimes, so that's nice. I love the guy, but he's responsible for a whole lot of pain and misery. Don't start a family to stay in the closet. It isn't your life you'll f**k up, it's theirs. I mean i'm glad I exist, but I don't like being a chapter in my dad's life that he would clearly rather forget."saltinstien
Thank you Josh...
"For anyone interested in this, there is a very long running blog by Josh Weed about doing this for fifteen years. He is LDS and recently came to the conclusion that they shouldn't have been proponents of this, people were hurt due to their example, and are getting amicably divorced so they can live their lives to the fullest. It's a good read."Maebyfunke37
Duck and cover...
"Not me but my Uncle in Law, had homophobic parents. Married his best friend, a lesbian with homophobic parents. Their marriage was the perfect cover, they claimed they were infertile (tbh i doubt they even tried to see) and instead adopted three kids and raised them. They secretly dated what others just thought were there best friends. Once both sets of parents had died they told a few close friends and family but they stayed married and still live together etc."lucozadeprincess
You can't hide forever...
"My old boss is gay. He had two kids with his ex-wife and until the kids were about 2 and 3 he finally couldn't hide his true sexuality from his wife. Apparently he told her the truth and how he still loved her a lot and how he loves his kids and wants to make it work."
"She let him talk and he knew she would listen. What he didn't know was how CRAZY homophobic she was. She went mental and took his kids to the United States, stole his money and sent him divorce papers in the mail like the next week basically. He signed the papers because she promised he'd see his kids every other week and she'd send him back half of the money she took but she needed it right away because she couldn't bear to be near him. You can imagine how this played out."
"As far as I know he's still trying to see his kids more than once a year and because she's in another country it falls on really messed up rules plus she keeps avoiding the cops. Apparently she just randomly shows up once a year at his house at random times of day on a day he would least expect it so she can avoid the police here and he has no idea of her whereabouts at any time. It's messed up I feel really bad for the guy."
"It's been years since I talked to him last so I don't 100% know how he is now but like I said I hear he's still fighting for his kids who are now in their late teens and seen their father a handful of times since she bolted. From what I hear him and his boyfriend have been together for a while now and are having talks about getting married so I hope everything works out for him."MilitaryFish
Make it work...
"My dad came out when I was in middle school. He and my mom are still really good friends, and they probably talk everyday. Instead of divorcing, they stayed together - although separated - for financial reasons until I went away for college. My mom and I lived on the 3rd floor of an apartment building, and my dad on the 1st. I'd alternate dinner nights with the two of them. We still spent most holidays together. Although now, my mom lives with her new husband. Both are very happy, and I don't think there are any regrets."DickVitalis
"[MARRIED A LADY] We lived together for 3 years as really good friends and we divorced and she went on to marry a close friend of mine and i am in a long term gay thang so it all worked out great!"samuelma
Happily Ever After...
"Me. As a scared Mormon boy, I told myself growing up that the only person who could decide if I was gay was me and so I decided I wasn't and swore never to tell another soul. Got my first girlfriend in my late 20s and married her, had kids, etc."
"I was all in and congratulating myself for doing the right thing and making it work until my wife decided it wasn't working. She is now engaged to her girlfriend." Nowayucan
This was a very interesting and enlightening read!
Do you have similar experiences to share? Let us know in the comments below.
Reddit user AceofSpadesYT asked: 'What is your most specific restriction when it comes to dating?'
When it comes to dating, I have my mental checklist. The guy must be kind, intelligent, funny, and a movie buff. He must be adventurous but also doesn't mind a Netflix and Chill date night.
Most of this is similar to the mental checklists other people have. Of course, I can be flexible. If someone is nice and I'm having fun with them, they don't necessarily have to check all the boxes.
However, I have one specific dating restriction that is a dealbreaker regardless of how many boxes the person checks, and that's religion. I've never been a fan, and now I'm an atheist, and I would want my partner to be as well. That's because I want kids, and the last thing I want is for us to argue about how to raise the kids when it comes to religion.
I'm not the only person who has one specific dating restriction. Everyone has that one thing that is a dealbreaker when it comes to a romantic relationship. Redditors certainly do, and they are ready to share.
It all started when Redditor AceofSpadesYT asked:
"What is your most specific restriction when it comes to dating?"
It's Just A Joke!
"No cruel or rude pranks."
"I saw a post by someone whose boyfriend "pranked" her by pretending to be dead on the kitchen floor. That is exactly how she had found her previous partner, dead on the kitchen floor, which her current boyfriend knew. He was surprised she dumped him and didn't think it was funny."
We're (Not) Gonna Party!
"No party people. Nothing wrong with it, I just ain't dealing with that sh*t."
"True. I like planning weekend stuff, but it has to be something meaningful - visiting a different city, movie marathon, mountain hike, fancy lunch, all okay. But... clubbing and drinking? How f**king old are we, 19? No thank you, I'm old and have no energy for listening to music I don't like while being surrounded by 50 people that I don't give a single half of a sh*t about."
"Same sense of humor. I have 0 interest sharing physical space with someone who doesn't laugh with me."
My Ears Are Bleeding!
"I'm a light sleeper. I cannot date a snorer. I can hear snores through ear plugs AND a fan blowing. It's not you, it's me."
At that point, it does sound like them 😂
"Have a f**king job."
"Found this difficult when I was funemployed. Was fortunate enough to be able to live off savings for a bit."
"People reacted oddly to it. “But what do you do???”"
"Was dating at the same time and some girls had the same sentiment. “You don’t have a job?”"
"I had a good enough job that I didn’t need one anymore. And one lined up 8 months from then. But there were two girls specifically who treated it as a deal breaker."
"I had a similar situation. I worked a high-paying job for a few years that demanded a ton of my time and had crazy hours. It burnt me out badly and I lived off of the savings from that job for a while and tried to date now that I actually had free time. I had more money in my bank account during that time than at any other point in my life but so many people were put off by me being funemployed and assumed I was looking to leech. But I guess there’s really no way to know someone's history and hard not to assume. Now I work full-time and have way less money overall but it looks better..."
"No smoking. Ever. I'm not kissing an ashtray, or smelling an ashtray. Instant turn off."
"100% I broke up with an old gf because she started smoking behind my back knowing I’ve got asthma and it was always a hard pass. She thought I was joking but it showed me that she was also untrustworthy."
That'll Do It
"I guess my husband restricts my dating."
"My wife has the same rule. But the jokes on her, I get around it by dating her!"
"Must like dinosaurs."
"That goes without saying."
What's In A Name?
"Cannot have the same name as any of my relatives."
"My last ex had the same name as my Dad and I reeeeeeaally didn't like it. So, fair."
"If they’re rude to people they’ll never see again (Waitstaff, cashiers, etc) I’m out."
"I can’t respect anyone who doesn’t respect themselves, and when you’re not polite to people you’re disrespecting yourself."
God Only Knows
"When I was dating, you had to be an atheist. I don't mess with religion. And I genuinely just don't think atheists + religious people work out."
"And I know... There's going to be someone who comments (assuming there are enough upvotes) who says "I worked out with my spouse who's religious and I'm not!" but you're the exception. When it comes to making decisions long-term, how to spend your money, where you think you'll go after you die, not to mention basic morality (!), and if you have children - that's a huge hurdle."
"We worked it out. It's absolutely an exception and not the rule. Don't do it if you can avoid it."
Let's Move Tonight (Literally)
"They need to be ok with cold weather."
"I grew up in the north, live in the south, and I'm tolerating it until I can move back north. If someone says they hate the cold it's an instant turn-off because I don't want to drag someone into a climate they hate."
"The same thing also applies to walkability. I want to move somewhere walkable, and I hope to meet someone with that same goal rather than try to talk them into it."
"Let me know when you find this mythical northern walkable community."
My Purr-fect Match
"Cat has to approve."
"They need to be male. Kind of important."
"So weird, I want the complete opposite."
Yeah, the male thing is kind of important for me too!
Do you have anything to add? Let us know in the comments.
Life is full of shock and surprise.
Apparently, that is part of the fun.
Who hasn't been left stunned by life events?
We always think we're immune to way too many things.
Anything and everything is possible.
It's important to be ready.
Redditor Bob_the_peasant wanted to hear about the things that have left people SHOOK, so they asked:
"What 'That can’t happen to me' thing happened to you?'"
I haven't been left that shocked that often.
I'm always expecting the worst, so I'm prepared.
But you never know.
I'm DeadSnakes Imacelebau GIF by I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! AustraliaGiphy
"A snake fell out of a tree and bit me on the head."
"ETA: I have always been more scared of snakes than anyone I know, so it’s just so ironic that this happened to me of all people."
Crash Into Me
"A car crashed through my kitchen last year."
"I woke up to a truck parking in my bathtub 2 weeks before Christmas a few years ago. I watched my sink roll past my bedroom door followed by a hubcap. The driver managed to cross a median, 3-lane road, up an embankment, through an iron fence and between trees. He'd been involved in an altercation nearby and was fleeing the scene."
Hot AirSwinging Hot Air Balloon GIF by Red BullGiphy
"My family and I were in a hot air balloon crash."
"My friend had one crash into her pool when she was a kid."
This is why hot air balloons and skydiving are just a HELL no for me.
Always have. Always will.
TragicCat No GIF by Looney TunesGiphy
"My wife cheated on me with my best friend. They’re moving in together next month. I’m in a new city thousands of miles away. I found out a month ago."
"Everyone else’s stories are very sad so here’s something a bit lighter. I’ve mentioned this story before but I got bitten on the neck by a penguin."
"I was at an event where the local zoo had a penguin and owl sitting on tables with handlers so you could take a picture next to them. The penguin went for my glass of wine, I moved the wine, and it bit me on the neck hard enough to bruise. They removed the penguin after that. 😂."
"Our house burned in a wildfire, we lost absolutely everything we owned and only salvaged a single coffee 3 cup."
"On the good side: There was a boy I crushed on all through high school. We went to summer camp together and I adored him. We ended up getting together in our 20s after reconnecting, and have now been together more than 20 years, married almost 17. We’re as madly in love as ever."
"Homelessness. It came swiftly and out of nowhere. had no savings and the landlord sold the house I was in. couldn’t afford a new place so lived in my car with my dog for a few months. ended up finding community assistance and got into an apartment."
"I can’t even imagine being in that situation. Hopefully, this is just the start of things turning around for you. Sending you good energy!"
Early Michael Myers
"About 10 years ago, I was stabbed in the arm with a flathead screwdriver. It was a coworker whom I had previously gotten along well with. He had stopped taking benzos and smoking weed a few days before and was on a hair trigger. I said something sarcastic, and he just snapped."
Bad LandingBad Day Seagull GIF by Sound FXGiphy
"I was lying on the beach and a seagull flying very high took a poop and it went straight in my mouth."
This is why I say... "Never trust a seagull!"
They are minions of the devil.
We've all heard the phrase, "You can't eat at everybody's house," but some of us have a few examples of our own to live by.
From not properly cleaning the environment to questionable hygiene ourselves, there are countless reasons why a person may not want to eat what you've cooked after watching you prepare it.
Bracing themselves, Redditor 195901 asked:
"What is your 'you can't eat at everybody's house' horror story?"
Fly Spray Sandwiches
"I told my dad my sandwich tasted like fly spray at my grandma's house. He didn’t believe me."
"Two days later, I caught my grandma spraying the benches 'clean' with the two-dollar fly spray you find at the cheap store."
"Dad figured it was safe to make sandwiches straight on the countertop because they looked clean. I dragged him over to see and he apologized and took my sister and me for fish and chips for lunch."
Special Seasoning Deviled Eggs
"My crackpot aunt served us a lovely tray of deviled eggs, complete with very old paprika sprinkled on top. So old, in fact, the many weevils mixed in it were dead."
A Disturbing Surprise
"I visited a friend's house who was living with his mother, and she asked if I wanted a coffee and I said I would."
"Upon getting to the bottom of the cup and taking the last few gulps, I found there was a used bandaid stuck to the bottom… I never ate or drank there again."
In Need of Child Protective Services
"I was babysitting a kid in a pretty dirty house. I was told to wake him up, supervise bathing and changing clothes, and feed him. I was welcome to whatever was in the fridge. Okay. The house and his clothes were filthy."
"Then, when I opened the cabinets, floods of roaches poured out. There were roaches in every opened box and container."
"I took him back to my house and returned him later that day. I hope the boy ended up in a better situation. I found out CPS (Child Protective Services) got involved shortly after."
Traumatized by Raisins
"I was gonna complain about raisins in the potato salad but the other comments on here are scary. Oh my god."
"When I was a young kid, I stayed over at a friend's place, and his mom made veal or something with godd**n raisins INSIDE the meat somehow. It was so nasty, I never forgot it."
You WISH That Was Vinegar
"My MIL fished around in the green bin (compost bin) with her bare hands, didn't wash them, WIPED her GARBAGE JUICE HANDS on the tea towel, and then WENT BACK TO PREPPING THE SALAD."
"She also got horrifically offended if I didn't want to eat at her house."
Poor Home Hygiene
"My first boyfriend’s parents invited me for Thanksgiving. I came over a few days before Christmas and all the same dirty dishes from Thanksgiving were still in the kitchen. I passed on coming over for Christmas dinner."
Every Surface Covered
"I went to a friend's house after school, he was going to teach a group of us to play D&D (Dungeons and Dragons)."
"We got there and his house was disgusting. I'm not the neatest person but the carpet hadn't been vacuumed in forever, clothes were all over the place, and dirty dishes were stacked everywhere."
"I tried to be polite even though the place reeked, but at some point, he was like, 'Who wants snacks!'"
"He picked up a bowl that was crusted with stuff, splashed in some water, wiped it with a towel that clearly hadn't been washed that decade, and poured chips into it. Then he asked if we wanted to stay for dinner. We did not."
O Holy Expiration Dates
"When I was a kid, Christmas Eve was always celebrated at Grandma's. I always got sick afterward. Like, Merry Christmas, you're going to puke now."
"It wasn't until I was all grown up and helping her out in the last weeks of her life that I learned why. She did not believe in expiration dates on anything!"
An Immune System to Remember
"My grandma made me a food phobic from a young age. Whether it was ramen with moths floating on top, or chunky milk in my cereal, it just scarred me for life."
"Dinner at her house was always a fight. Not eating her food was not an option. I'm not sure why that was the hill she would always choose to die on, because she was an amazing grandma other than this."
"Expiration dates aren't a thing. If the cheese was moldy, you cut it off... I think living through the great depression and raising kids in poverty changed her mindset on food."
"I mean obviously, she's doing something right because she's 91. She must have the immunity of a superhero."
"I used to help an old neighbor out with grocery shopping, I’d drop the bags at her door and she’d give me a check for the amount of groceries. She’d give me homemade cookies once in a while, chocolate chips."
"I didn’t ever eat them because one time I caught sight of her apartment. It was a large studio, a small kitchen, and tv, and a bed/couch. And there were about 20 cans of cat food, half-eaten, and one million flies and small maggots in different stages of growth, dishes with crusty food stuck to them, and a wall of empty beer cans."
"After I saw that, and got a whiff of her apartment, I started helping her with taking garbage out and putting groceries away, cleaning out her fridge, and making sure her cat was healthy."
"A couple of months later, she got the virus, ended up at a rehab facility, and passed within two weeks."
"Some people need help and a little company…"
No Longer Rice
"A girl I was interested in at the time had cats. I came to her house one day to pick her up for a date and he had a large sack of rice open in her pantry with the pantry door open."
"One of the cats hopped out of the sack of rice and she just casually laughed at it like, 'Oh, they are always getting into things.'"
"I came over the following weekend that SAME sack of rice was in the pantry and I could hear one of them tussling around in it again, we stopped dating sometime after that but anytime she offered to cook for me I immediately pivoted to taking her out to eat instead."
"Those cats probably used it as litter."
"Yeah, that was my fear."
Could Have Warned Her
"My mom told me one about going over to her aunt Virginia's house. She, her parents, and her siblings were sat around the kitchen while her aunt cooked, and my mom could not figure out why no one else was having ANY of this incredibly delicious bread that was on the table."
"She was on her third slice when her aunt stepped out to do something else, and my mom was told by her brother to go look in the flour bin."
"It was absolutely filled with miller moth larvae. Aunt Virginia had been losing her eyesight for years."
"It's f**ked of her parents not to warn her not to eat the bread... like, what the f**k, you KNOW the bread isn't safe, so you're not eating it, but you're fine with letting your daughter have three slices?"
Bad to the Point of Malnutrition
"I graduated high school at 6' 10" tall, but weighing only 120 pounds."
"That's not skinny, that's emaciated."
"The food prepared by my bio-mom was so bad that it wasn't providing me with the nutrients or calories I needed to survive. I went off to college where I had to cook for myself (I wasn't allowed to cook at home because my father insisted that "cooking was women's work")."
"Not only did I discover that food didn't have to be burnt to a crisp, flavorless, or boiled until everything was grey. I also discovered that food can be made to taste good, and using things like salt, or pepper, spices, or various condiments can make it taste amazing."
"The "freshman 15" likely saved my life."
"The thing is, I don't think that my biomom was even aware that her food was that disgusting. Whenever we went out for dinner (which was more often than what my father wanted, but he was the one who insisted on going), she did nothing but complain about how the food was undercooked, 'practically raw,' or 'too spicy,' to eat."
"When she went to other people's houses (including her own extended family) she would criticize them for 'doing it wrong' when she watched them cook anything. She would often end up refusing to eat their food because she 'watched them ruin it,' when they cooked it. We never had guests over to eat her cooking. Ever."
"We have a chili contest every year at work around Thanksgiving and I've stopped participating in voting for it because I want to know whose I'm eating before taking any. I work with some great people, but I wouldn't eat at or anything from their house. Strangely enough, the guy I absolutely despise I'll gladly eat his chili because he is clean and well kept and I know his house is."
"I also work with a bunch of people who don't wash their hands after using the bathroom in any capacity and we've secretly kept a list so to avoid any potlucks where they take food or to get food before they do."
We're left with chills after reading these stories.
Where some people might make some mistakes in the kitchen out of just not knowing, like not properly washing rice before cooking it, most of these are just careless mistakes that have disgusting, if not dangerous, results.
What makes us all unique is our passions and the things we love, whether it's singing in the shower, reading books, or listening to specific music artists.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where we are judged for our various tastes and interests thanks to social media, and it makes us consciously selective about sharing the things we love on the internet.
Curious to hear about people's personal desires under anonymity, Redditor sweet_chick283 asked:
"What do you secretly love that you would never admit to in public?"
These aren't really chores for the following Redditors.
Good Clean Fun
"Mopping, im a janitor and generally hate my work... but damn mopping is so good."
"When you have a great rhythm going it is something special. I get the same feeling while I vacuum, but won’t let my wife know I enjoy it."
Act Of Unwrinkling
"Ironing clothes. A dozen of them. Can’t explain how it relaxes me. I told one person and they looked at me like I’m crazy."
"My mum misses the days when dad would be out on a Friday night, my brother out with friends and me upstairs quietly playing PS1. She would pour herself a Bacardi & Coke and do the ironing while watching her TV shows."
"I'm sure she doesn't really miss it now that we've moved out and they've retired but it was her wind-down after a busy working week so I can see how people can find it relaxing."
Our solo actions can spark joy.
Big Brother Is Watching
"pretending to be on the Truman show and whenever im in my house i act all inconspicuous so they dont know that i know that they’re watching me."
"C’mon man, you’re not supposed to let him know. You signed a contract when signing up for live views. I’m reporting you."
"Playing video games naked at home while eating cheese."
Releasing The Kraken
"I love the feeling when you've eaten good fibre and let out a solid long train log in the toilet. That feeling is heavenly."
"Even better when it’s a clean wipe and not a poo crayon."
"My (male 41) weekend routine is coming home from work, make hot chocolate, start a fire, dress in a ugly pink nightgown made for old ladies and watch forensic files."
Some people are obsessed with collecting things.
"Sanrio stationery stores. All those different multicolor pens, a thousand kinds of erasers, spiral bound notebooks galore... my kids sadly have absolutely no appreciation for this wonderland..."
It's A Staple
"Office supplies have a weird, special place in my heart ever since I was a kid. They don't even have to be 'cute' necessarily."
"Japan's legendary stationery stores is unironically a reason I want to go."
Not Caring Anymore
"The older I get the shorter that list gets. Not because I love less things, but because I don't care about hiding it."
"YES!! I'm 53 now. I'm working my first job in public since 2006. Today is Halloween and we're allowed to dress up so I am sitting here waiting to go to work dressed as a VERY bad Wednesday Addams. My bf said I'd 'look stupid' because no one else will probably dress up and I'm like, 'WHO CARES!' My makeup looks horrible and not like I practiced, but I DO NOT CARE! I'm having fun with it anyhow and I don't care if my coworkers dress up or not. I'm bein' ME! :)"
Honorable mentions start here.
"Picking up worms from the street and sidewalks when it rains and moving them into the dirt so they don’t burn in the sun, every time it rains I do this."
Hero Of The Moment
"Yoooo I scoot SO many snails and worms. I work as a tech/mechanic at an automotive shop, I had a peoject car towed to my house the other day and it was covered in snails. I saw them when the tow guy/coworker was unloading and I was like, 'oh! It comes with free snails!' and began moving them. He laughed then realized and said, '... Oh, you're serious. Uh... Okay.'"
"I don't care who knows it. These little things barely can look out for themselves, why shouldn't we if we can take a moment to help? I don't care what happens next, it probably doesn't matter overall but I can help this moment."
Why should some of the hidden desires mentioned above have to be secret?
Redditors opening up about some of these would make them a hit at parties–no shaming.
As a matter of fact, I'll totally be down for a Forensic Files viewing party where we all make hot chocolate, light the fireplace, and cozy up together in our respective pink ugly nightgowns for old ladies.