Slap-a-Pus

"My boys could not pronounce the word platypus. They somehow defaulted to 'slap-a-pus.' "

- DiAb505

" 'Oh, a slap-a-pus.' *audible gasp* "

" 'PERRY THE SLAP-A-PUS?!' "

- BronzeAgeTea

"I have changed my ways. Next time I go to the zoo, I will say slap-a-pus"

- KinaGrace96

Peasants

"My five-year-old went through a phase where whenever she was mad, she would call people (or cats, or Lego, or whatever she was upset at) 'Filthy peasants!' "

"She would also say to me, 'Mooom! (Babybrother)'s being impudent!' "

"I worry that without in-person school and being around kids her own age, she's gotten REALLY used to being around just adults and her personal mini-minion."

"She's gonna be a dictator, but there's nothing funnier than an imperiously furious five-year-old."

- WhateverCORE2021

So Delicious

"Just a few nights ago, I pulled a stick of butter out of the fridge to see a perfect bite mark taken from the end."

"I call my 6 year old daughter into the kitchen and now have to keep a straight face as she tells me that she must have left the door open and one of the dogs bit the butter."

"She kept up this story even as I SHOWED her the bite marks, INCLUDING the gap from her missing bottom tooth."

"FINALLY, she admits to it and, when asked why, dramatically says 'I couldn't help it, it just looked so DELICIOUS!' "

- dementedpixie

"My mom would have to hide the sticks of butter in the fridge when I was a toddler."

"I would sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and eat them."

- Singingpineapples

"This is super cute - gross as hell but adorable."

- chriscookbuilds

Seamless

"Not a parent but a teacher."

"This student in one of my high school classes was answering a question and having a bit of trouble. Another kid chimed in to say something, maybe give her a hint I don't know."

"Anyway, she just looked at him and dead pan said 'Eat my bootyhole' and then continued her train of thought without pause. She intended for it to be under her breath, but it came out loud."

"What was so funny was the seamlessness with which she wove it into her sentence."

"It was very hard not to laugh so I sighed very loudly and said her name in a scolding tone. She realized her mistake and apologized and I sat at my desk with my hand covering my face for a full thirty seconds while my whole class laughed."

"I had to take a moment before going 'let’s move on' because I was just trying very hard not to crack up."

- Burn-babe

Excused From The Table

"My daughter was an early talker…so it was always funny to hear this tiny baby say all this big kid stuff."

"One night at dinner my wife was trying to get her to eat some corn and goes: 'See, mommy likes it.' “

"And my kid who was just barely 3 at the time looks at my wife and goes: 'Well then YOU eat it, mother!' ”

"I had to leave the room."

- SeaTie

Spit It Out

"When my son was 4, he was trying to explain something to me. He was so excited about it he kept restarting his sentence."

" 'It was the- it- the- it was a- it was...' etc for a good 3 minutes."

"I jokingly told him to spit it out. He, being 4 and not understanding that it's just a turn of phrase, actually spit on my floor. And then was able to tell me that he likes dinosaurs."

"I suppose... system reset achieved."

- Obligatory_smile

Calmly And Rationally

"My (at the time) three year old shouts 'FUCK!' in the back seat."

"I say, 'Henry! Don't say that word!' "

" 'But daddy, the f*ckin dammit toy fell down,' he calmly and rationally replied in a sing song 3 year old voice."

- johnwalkersbeard

"It's even funnier when they do it not knowing that it's a swear word."

"An acquaintance was peeling potatoes with her toddler in the room when the bag ripped and the potatoes fell out. The mom went 'Oh, f*ck', but then went around her day making food."

"Anyway, maybe two weeks later she and her daughter had the following conversation:"
"Mom: (rhetorically) 'I wonder what kind of food I should cook.' "

"Daughter: 'Oh f*ck!' "

"Mom: 'What did you just say?' "

"Daughter: 'Make oh f*ck! You bought oh f*ck yesterday!' "

"As you can guess, daughter thought that potatoes were called 'oh f*ck.' "

- Enakistehen

Don't Be A Drag

"Except for one band (The Imagination Movers) we never really listened to 'kiddie music' when our son was little."

"So from an early age, he was exposed to the same music that we listen to: mostly 80s/90s pop, Disney music (which my husband likes), classic rock and punk (which I like)."

"One day, when he was in like 2nd grade, his teacher pulled me aside when I went to go pick him up from school."

"Apparently, he'd gotten in trouble because he was having an argument with another boy on the playground at recess. Which that normally wouldn't have been a big deal, but how my son ended the argument was a bit of an issue."

"He told the kid, 'Don't be a drag, just be a queen.' "

"I wanted to bust out howling with laughter, but I didn't. All I could do was apologize to the teacher."

- KnockMeYourLobes

Britches

"Pull-ups (training diapers) have these velcro-like sides that can come apart to adjust the size and for diaper changes."

"My 3yo was putting one on for bedtime and it popped open. I jokingly told her 'Oh no! You burst your britches!' "

"Her response was running off to dad yelling 'I burst my b*tches! I burst my b*tches!' And then she re-enacted the scene and her new catch phrase every night for the rest of the week."

"I about peed myself laughing after I left her room that night."

- St3phiroth

Honey Butter

"My kiddo was 3 when we were out at a New Mexican restaurant. Traditionally we eat sopapillas with honey but this particular restaurant serves honey butter with theirs."

"I slather up a sopa, hand it to her and turn back to the conversation at the table."

"The next thing I hear is her saying, 'This honey butter is sooooo f*cking good!' "

"Her Dad and I glance at each other like, did she just say what I thought she said? I then ask her to repeat herself and sure enough:"

" 'This honey butter is sooo f*cking good!' "

"I had to turn around in my chair and laugh into my elbow before telling her that, while she was not wrong, she couldn't use the f word to describe her satisfaction with her food."

"I still laugh so hard I cry whenever I think about that story. We were at dinner with about 20 family members too!"

- BeeEyeAm

Kraft

"My brother and I had bunk beds when we were little. We used to sneak out, like army crawl all dramatically through the house, grab Kraft singles, and we’d hide the wrappers in the bottom of the top bunk."

"We denied it for weeks until my mom was on the bottom bunk for some reason and found the hole in the top mattress where we stored all the evidence. There were so many cheese wrappers in there. So many."

"No idea how she kept a straight face when she found them."

"I don't know how we ever stomached those single wrapped cheeses alone, and why we were so obsessed. Good times though!"

- shelllllo

Stealth/Slight Of Hand

"While at Six Flags my six year old daughter wanted some gas station quality sunglasses that they were selling for $40. I was absolutely not shelling out that money for such cheap glasses."

"I said no, but we could get a new pair when we stopped for gas."

"I talk to the clerk to return our two kid buggy rental, and we walk the mile from the return back to the car. My older son wants a couple shoulder rides but, my daughter just walks silently the whole way."

"Before she gets in the car seat, she puts on the sunglasses I refused to buy."

"Stealth/slight of hand +7."

"I was supposed to be mad about the theft, but ..."

- juicegooseboost

Boring

"Wife, out of frustration, sarcastically to our 3 year old:"

“ 'It must be f*cking great to stay up rather than sleep during nap time !' "

"3 year old responded: 'No! It's f*cking boring!!!' "

"I didn't wanna die, so I excused myself before cracking up."

- slipshuck

Arrest Record

"Once, as a substitute teacher, I was at an assembly with a group of 1st graders and the local Police Department was visiting."

"An officer was speaking and a kid yelled out 'Do you know my brother? He gets arrested A LOT!' "

"I pulled my sweater over my face to hide my laughter."

- SurferRosa85

Threats

"My son recently threatened to hurt my wife."

"He grabbed her face, squeezed as hard as he could, his little face turned red, and he yelled the worst thing he could think of:"
' 'I'm going to shine a flashlight right in your eye!' "

"I couldn't hold it in. I lost it. Then he threatened me with the same fate for my disrespect, of course."

"He thankfully did not get his flashlight."

- jules083

The Tree She Hides Behind

"We were playing hide and seek in the yard and I found a huge, corn filled pile of shit behind the tree she liked to hide behind."

"She blamed the dog for weeks until the next time we had corn for dinner."

"She finally caved to the truth and admitted the deed."

"She’s 5. And good at secrets."

- xzl830

"You Are Old"

"When my youngest son was 5, he used to walk over to old people and announce to them that they're old."

"He's autistic so he is very blunt and says things as he sees them."

"Just the look of shock on their faces at being called old, and I have to keep a straight face and apologize when I actually want to snort laugh."

- Snoo_46024

Tiny Road Rage

"Family holiday with young grandkids."

"Someone drove down the wrong way at an underground car park and blocked us. One of the adults said 'Oh man' but that was it. No swearing."

"Then a little voice in the back seat said...'f*cking hell!' "

"It was so in context!"

"We all thought it hilarious but had to be the adults and say that wasn't nice to say the F word!"

- MissGreenie

Mommies Diapers

"When my (now 23yo) daughter was about 2, we’d gone to the store to buy groceries and other assorted items including some feminine products."

"The trip took longer than I’d planned and when arrived back home, some expected friends were already there. I apologized for being late, explaining our errands had taken longer than expected."

"My daughter the furthered the explanation by saying, 'Yeah, we had to get mommy some diapers.' ”

- MsTLC_Georgia

Tiny people are just blessed with natural comedic timing.

So tell us, what's the funniest thing you've had to try not to laugh at?