When is it time to say "bye-bye" to a friend? Yes, we know all about toxic relationships and red flags, but what about friendships? As a type of relationship, they can have their own toxicity.
u/captainneilmars asked Reddit:
We know all about relationship red flags, but what are the friendship red flags?
Here were some of the answers.
Behind The Back
GiphyWhen they only talk crap about their other friends to you. Calling you their "best friend" too quickly, when you feel not even close to the same.
Blah Blah Blah
I have a friend who I still love because I don't think she knows how bad she is. We often had long conversations talking about events in her life (her crushes, her worries, what made her mad) and I liked it since I don't like talking about myself for a longer time and like to listen to people. I thought it was a mutual friendship and that she would listen to me too when I wanted to talk.
Nope. We once met for a drink when I was accepted at an art school and I wanted to talk about the assignments we had to do and she deflected the conversation to a relationship problem she had.
We were on vacation together and I wanted to talk about a philosophy in a show I liked since it meant much to me and that I wanted to get a tattoo from that show but she interrupted me to ask a question about the air conditioner, threw herself on the bed and looked at instagram posts.
I've honestly never had a friend that was so disinterested in me but still expected me to listen to her talk. If she didn't have other redeeming qualities and was part of the friend group I'm in I would let her fall like a wet sack of potatoes.
Failure To Land
GiphyOne of my friends upset me once, and I told him the comment he made about me offended me, and he said it was all banter and he didn't see anything wrong with it. After that, he just kept escalating it, and I found out later from a mutual friend that he thought it was funny that I got offended and said, "if I'm in the shit list I might as well stay in it and make it worth it". He's tried to just brush it under a rug and be all buddy-buddy again, but I don't really want to give the impression that his attitude was okay, so I've just stayed away - haven't spoken to him since, can't say I've missed the company.
Front-Stabber
I've had friends that are so worried about their image that even after years of friendship they refuse to be themselves or admit their flaws. Instead when we hangout it's like there is this facade. Interactions are super shallow and there's no room for personal growth.
My best friends are pretty blunt. I once asked one if she thought I had alcoholic tendencies, and she was like, "no sh*t, look at who we hang out it. We're all alcoholics. We should work on that." Then we did. Or one time a friend of mine walked three miles while working in the back country so she could get cell phone service, to make sure I went through with getting a counseling appointment.
Not the most pleasant stuff, but because of the honesty I've grown as an individual.
Take Take Take
I have friends that have been hitting a bunch of red flags as of late:
Only reaches out when they want something or when boyfriend is unavailable. Otherwise you're nobody. There's weeks where I don't see or hear them and then I get a "can I borrow your car to help my bf" message. Lol no.
Doesn't offer congratulations for good news. Instead gives criticism and downplays your achievements.
Never reaching out but plays victim of Facebook about how lonely they are
Ignores/disregards/downplays your concerns ("You didn't use a condom/plan b? Pls go get a checkup" "I don't see why you're making this such an issue")
kiku8Wow...
GiphyMy friend and I were talking outside after class when I realized I was on the verge of fainting. I quickly sat down and said this to her.
She said "okay" and continued talking.
I thought, "Uh, okay... Did she not hear me?" so I repeated myself and said I should go to the nearby Starbucks to get something to eat or drink (since, ya know, it's 115° and I'm about to faint).
She said okay and that she had to go.
She left, I wobbled to Starbucks and then headed home still feeling a bit suspect.
Sadly, I didn't see this as a red flag until over a year later... I had completely forgotten about it. I was going through some stuff at the time so I just thought, "Maybe not all friends care about that or think they need to help you?"
Well, if that's true, that's not the behavior I'm looking for in a friend.
Oh Well The Red Flag O-Wagon Is A Comin
-Self Absorbed (ONLY talk about themselves and their lives instead of letting others talk, basically thinks the world revolves around them. OR, always change the conversation to be about them and their past experiences even when it's not anywhere near what you just said.)
- Always have something to complain about when it comes to what you're doing (IF what you're doing isn't wrong/bad)
- Complains about you not opening up to them and rarely sees your own friends, but they don't make the effort in reaching out and always make plans without you.
- Expect you to pay for her (Not once or twice... but ALL the time)
- Texts you to go out to 'hang out' but actually just needed a ride to go to the mall to buy some stuff while we 'hang out'.
Money Again
"Let's get together this weekend! I'll give you a call Friday so we can make plans." Sunday, still no call or text...
Always telling you gossip about someone else, they will tell your gossip to someone else.
"It's your turn to buy/pay/pick/etc." nah b*tch, pay your half.
Friends AND Roommates
Giphy- Never on top of their things or schedule. For example, you go to hang out with them and meet up with them and they are consistently late or unorganized with something (Tom failing to pack his stuff up before moving in Parks and Rec comes to mind).
- In the age of social media, someone always telling you they want to hang out but never inviting you. In my experience it can lead to being taken advantage of.
- Very clingy friendships, something isn't healthy in that relationship.
- A friend that spends a lot of time putting others down, especially being really critical, and past the point of just a joke. In addition to being very critical/judgmental all the time, they are also very arrogant or braggy about themselves.
- A friend that always has to be right, can't admit they are wrong, must get in the last word, etc.
Specifically in the case of friends/roommates:
- People not pulling their fair share of housework (cleaning, yard work, etc.).
- Roommates making changes to the lease or not following the lease and not telling you.
- Roommates that spend their rent money on a TV or something unnecessarily expensive and have to borrow.
- Loud/inconsiderate/messy roommates that don't even think about their actions possibly being annoying or frustrating to live with.
- Roommates that don't respect personal space, enter rooms without knocking, always wanting to hang out without giving any time to oneself.
Yooooo
"Jokes" that seem off color, especially in response to you expressing something positive or a win in life.
For example, I told a work friend that I lost a bit of weight since switching a medication and how I felt like my clothes fit better.. her response was never "Aw that's great!" But instead she said "you're the girl who thinks she's a size 8 but is actually a 14"
Ok first off, excuse me WHAT?!
She laughed hysterically and said "I'm only joking!"
No. This sh-t ain't cute. Also I have clothes ranging from size 8 to 14. They all fit. Wtf u doin, womens fashion??
Self-LESS
When I first met one of my sisters in law from my husbands side, I was trying to be super nice and get to to know her. For the first two months, she called me every single day. I'm not over exaggerating, every single day. We would be on the phone for up to two hours and the entire time she talked about herself and if I tried to say something, she would either interrupt or ignore what I say and keep going on talking about herself. At one point, she called me 8 times in a day and I got so frustrated I called my husband crying and told him I can't deal with her constant calls. After that, I told her to call if it's something important, otherwise I don't have time to talk to her. She's now mad at me and no longer talks to me.
Walk On By
Giphy5 years ago i had an accident at work and ended up spending 6 months in the hospital to recover from what should have been a paralyzing back injury.
Finally get out of the hospital, get home, and find that my house phone is showing hundreds of missed calls, all from my 'friend' call her up and she starts SCREAMING at me over the phone how i could just forget being friends with her when i can't even be bothered to pick up the phone for 'a year'.
I just hung up, and a mutual friend of ours relayed a simple message "If you actually read my FB posts, you would know i just spent 6 months in the ICU with no cellphone"
took her like 2 weeks to come crawling back when she needed money for her car payment.
Push
My friends asked me to give them a ride to the hospital when I was in labor. I repeat, when I was in labor...
Sue-shi Me
A bit late to the thread, but I had a friend who lives literally one street away from me. He called me at 4 am to help him jump start his car in the rain, so he could get home from his girlfriend's house. Even though I was sleeping, I dropped everything and went to jump his car. About a month or so later, I'm preparing to go to class and now my battery had died and I needed a jump. I called him up.
He vaguely says he'll be there in a little bit. Now keep in mind our houses are about a ~45 second drive apart. Half an hour goes by, he's not there. An hour.... two.. three.. five..nothing. Didn't answer his fucking phone for 5 hours.. When he finally did answer, I found out he went to get sushi with a different friend AFTER he said he would help me. What pissed me off the most, was that he literally drove PAST my house to go get sushi. I'm still fucking bitter about that.
Emily Post Mortem
GiphyShe told me I was invited to a party given by someone else. Was young and naive. She had no transportation so I got pick her up. We are at the party and the hostess came up to me and said in front of everyone, "I didn't know you were invited!" I was mortified and spent the rest of the evening waiting in the car for her ass to be ready to go home. To this day, will never accept a second hand invitation. F--- you, Janet, wherever you are.
Broken Bro Code
Oh boy. Have I got a story for you guys. This was over 5 years ago. My brother calls me up. He's flying out, needs a ride to a bachelor party. The bachelor can't pick him up for whatever reason. Now, this is just a bad situation, because he's flying in to an airport about 8 hours north of where I live. The bachelor lives about 2-3 hours west of that. My brother cannot rent a car. My brother tells me I'll love the bachelor, he's a great guy, my wife and I can crash on his couches, we'll get breakfast in the morning, and then we go home. Why I agreed to this I do not know, but my brother was in my wedding (in fact he was my best man) so how can I refuse him? Also I think I was sick or something was wrong with me at the time, I don't know.
So anyway, the day comes and we make the drive. We pick my brother up, we grab lunch, it's a good day. We drive out to his buddy's house. His buddy greets my brother and tells us that we can go now. I look at my brother like WTF dude. He's just like, "sorry, nothing I can do." But he tells us we should just get a hotel room in town and we'll all meet up the next morning for breakfast like we planned. My wife and I both didn't want to be there. So we left. We were about 10 hours from home and it was late, so we did get a hotel room, about halfway home. We actually got a room at a Hilton, with a coupon from one of those travel guides it was like $80. Not too bad. Also it was, I think, a Wednesday or Thursday night. One of the nicest rooms we've stayed in. Did our own thing.
Didn't really talk to my brother for a year or so after. He never apologized. In his eyes we were both a--holes, it was his buddy's special weekend and we stood him up for breakfast, the whole ride thing disregarded. And, you know, maybe we were wrong for bailing on him. His friend should have picked him up from the airport. The fact that he was unwilling to do that, and completely unwilling to even recognize the people who drove over 20 hours round trip to do that for him, made him the biggest jerk. All around a bad situation. We should have simply said no and put his friend in the position to decide if he really wanted my brother at his wedding. (My brother flew out on his own dime, if that matters. So no, the friend did not even fly him out. Honestly I don't think the friend really cared that much about my brother at all.)
- People Explain Which Things Immediately Trigger Red Flags For Them - George Takei ›
- Men Share The Red Flags Guys Display That People Should Look Out For - George Takei ›
- People Break Down Red Flags To Look Out For During A Job Interview - George Takei ›
- People Share Red Flags About Dating That Everyone Should Look Out For - George Takei ›
Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.
Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?
But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.
It would be so great to be sure there is something else.
But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.
Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:
"Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"
Sensations
Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy"My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."
PeachesnPain
Recovery
"I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."
"My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."
"It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."
good_golly99
Take Me Back
"Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."
"I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."
rayrayrayray
Free
The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy"I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."
TooReDTooHigh
This is why I hate surgery.
You just never know.
Shocked
Giphy"More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."
Admirable_Buyer6528
The SOB
"Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."
"Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”
1-cupcake-at-a-time
Colors
"My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"
Hannah_LL7
"I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"
huntokarrr
The Fog
"I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."
"I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."
Fluffy-Hotel-5184
Through the Walls
"My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."
"She's quite alive and well today."
Hot-Refrigerator6583
Well let's all be happy to be alive.
It seems to be all we have.
Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.
The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.
Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.
Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:
"People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"
Redditors didn't see these coming.
Shiver Me Timbers
"I’m always cold now!"
– Telrom_1
"I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."
– r7ndom
"140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."
– mr_remy
Drawing Concern
"I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."
– dee-fondy
"Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"
"Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."
– LizardofDeath
Unleashing Insults
"I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”
"It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."
– alanamablamaspama
Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight
"The loose skin is a bit unexpected."
– KeltarCentauri
"I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."
– KatMagic1977
"It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."
– Jaew96
These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.
Shopping
"I can buy clothes in any store I want."
– WaySavvyD
"When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."
– ganache98012
No More Symptoms
"Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."
– colleennicole93
Expanding Capabilities
"I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."
– Ramblonius
People Change Their Tune
"How much nicer people are to you."
"My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"
– LiZZygsu
"Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"
"And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"
– awholedamngarden
It's gonna take some getting used to.
Bones Everywhere
"Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."
– Princess-Pancake-97
"I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."
– bekastrange
Knee Pillow
"Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."
– snic2030
"I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."
– Strongbad23
More Mobility
"I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."
"Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."
– dma1965
People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.
But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.
That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.