The curse of the "nice guy" has plagued women for decades. It seems like every woman has a nice guy story, and it seems like there isn't hope for change. Sometimes, though, they grow up, for various reasons. Here are a few of them.
u/clinically_weird asked: Former "nice guys" what made you realize what you were doing wrong and made you change?
A hard realization.
Lost a relationship I was in, drove away some other friends. Ended up mellowing out over time as I got more comfortable with who I am. Had a few cases of people I was not interested in bugging me for a relationship, so started to understand the other side.
Really hit home a couple years back when I found r/niceguys and realised just how terrible I was, seeing some of how I used to act in the posts. These days I'm very continuous of how even innocent comments can effect people when taken in a wider picture, and I try to make sure I don't go down that path again.
Called him on his bs.
GiphyI realized I judged girls for not wanting to date me cause I was overweight, but I literally did the exact same thing.... Also I made a really good female friend who called me on my sh*t.
I hated that when I tried online dating. I need to lose a few pounds, but was aware of my market value, and was open to seeing chubby guys. The same guys who wanted to only date thin hot models usually complained about being single.
Very different things.
The nice guy is still in there, and it's an important part of who I am. What I cut off were all the so-called 'nice guy' behaviors that were really only ploys to selfishly get what I wanted or to appear like I deserved something when it was really only an act.
People (ie women) really do like authentic nice guys- without the quotes. Guys who think about others, guys who act in altruistic or supportive ways, guys who generally like other people, guys who are confident enough in themselves that they don't need to telegraph an idealized image of themselves constantly.
Acting like a 'nice guy' and becoming a nice guy are very different things.
Time to grow up.
Just got older and stopped caring about finding a relationship, now it all looks cringey and pathetic.
Was never one of the ahole 'niceguys' that shout at and threatens women, just the whiny kind that mopes about not having a girlfriend. A lot of people b*tch about growing up and being an adult, but it has been great to me, childhood and teen years were nothing but angsty sh*t for me, glad its all over with.
Dang.
GiphyI read Perks of Being a Wallflower as suggested by my long-time crush. When I finished it she told me I reminded her of the main character, I thanked her.
She said, "That's not a compliment," and proceeded to tell me I also never just reached for what I wanted.
The me at the time took this as a sign that I should ask her out, so I did. She said no. I felt... tricked and asked why she told me to reach if she was going to say no. She said, "Because now you have a real answer and you can move on with your life instead of worrying about mine."
It took a couple years of deciphering what the hell all that meant, but that was the start of it.
The first step.
Stumbled upon an article about "nice guys" and realized I was acting the same way. Realized this is not the kind of person I wanted to be.
I wish I could say my dating life got better after this realization, but it has not. I've just learned not to take rejection so personally.
These Actors Were Perfectly Cast In Their Roles | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
Sometimes an actor comes along that is able to reach the audience on a deeper level. The actor that immediately comes to mind is Robin Williams. Although it ...Truth.
Realizing that treating women like human beings instead of worshipping them is the better foundation for a solid relationship than bending over backwards.
NOT saying to not be nice. Always be nice/caring/loving. But don't be afraid to pick on them. Tease them. Have a normal conversation with them about normal things. You never know where it might lead. And don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and walk away from a situation if it makes you uncomfortable or unhappy.
Fawning over a woman only makes you come off as weird/creepy/crazy. Treat them like a friend and be their friend before you try to look for a romantic relationship. Being pushy and demanding only causes them to walk away.
I feel like this is basic knowledge that should be learned for social interaction in general. It applies to both romantic and non-romantic relationships.
Confidence is key.
GiphyI wasn't full on, but definitely not out of the ballpark. Just completely lacked confidence and a healthy bout of assertiveness/directness.
It's something that ebbs and flows. But basically, you eventually realize that if you really want something, what ever it is, it's up to you to make it happen. That girl you're interested in, the position you want at your job, the bacon that was supposed to be on your cheeseburger, is rarely going to come to you if you sit there politely. By no means do you have to be a dick, you just have to ask and get the ball rolling.
Now that's growth.
I might not have been considered a nice guy since I'm a lesbian, but for a while I checked a lot of the boxes. I harassed girls, too much, objectified despite being a girl myself. I would get so pissed if I got rejected and blamed her. What changed me was being sexually assaulted. I hate that that's how I had to learn, but that's how I learned. I was assaulted by a guy and a girl.
After that I joined a sexual assault support group, and reconnected with a girl in there who I had actually harassed a bit in the past. When I reconnected with her she told me that that time I have her a hickey, she didn't want it, had a PTSD attack after. It made me feel absolutely horrible.
I became a huge feminist after that and have done a few events where I speak up about female abusers. I was one, I was attacked by one, I really hope to make more people aware of this. Literally changed my life and how I see everything.
You'll get there.
For me, in 10th grade, it was realizing that I was distraught over Quasimodo not getting with Esmeralda in The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I then had a moment of self reflection, and realized that my thoughts were more in line with Frollo's; "I am so pure, so great, that she has to be mine." It took some time, but that was my basis for moving away from the "nice guy" mentality.
Now, women still don't want to date me, but that's okay. I'll get there eventually.
- Women Who've Given The 'Nice Guy' A Chance Break Down How It Actually Went - George Takei ›
- Men Share The Best Thing A Woman Has Ever Said To Them - George Takei ›
- People Break Down Which Historical 'Good Guys' Were Actually Bad Guys - George Takei ›
- Bad Life Hacks And Terrible Advice That Is Also Quite Dangerous - George Takei ›
Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.
Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?
But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.
It would be so great to be sure there is something else.
But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.
Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:
"Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"
Sensations
Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy"My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."
PeachesnPain
Recovery
"I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."
"My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."
"It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."
good_golly99
Take Me Back
"Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."
"I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."
rayrayrayray
Free
The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy"I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."
TooReDTooHigh
This is why I hate surgery.
You just never know.
Shocked
Giphy"More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."
Admirable_Buyer6528
The SOB
"Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."
"Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”
1-cupcake-at-a-time
Colors
"My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"
Hannah_LL7
"I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"
huntokarrr
The Fog
"I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."
"I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."
Fluffy-Hotel-5184
Through the Walls
"My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."
"She's quite alive and well today."
Hot-Refrigerator6583
Well let's all be happy to be alive.
It seems to be all we have.
Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.
The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.
Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.
Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:
"People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"
Redditors didn't see these coming.
Shiver Me Timbers
"I’m always cold now!"
– Telrom_1
"I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."
– r7ndom
"140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."
– mr_remy
Drawing Concern
"I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."
– dee-fondy
"Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"
"Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."
– LizardofDeath
Unleashing Insults
"I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”
"It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."
– alanamablamaspama
Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight
"The loose skin is a bit unexpected."
– KeltarCentauri
"I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."
– KatMagic1977
"It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."
– Jaew96
These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.
Shopping
"I can buy clothes in any store I want."
– WaySavvyD
"When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."
– ganache98012
No More Symptoms
"Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."
– colleennicole93
Expanding Capabilities
"I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."
– Ramblonius
People Change Their Tune
"How much nicer people are to you."
"My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"
– LiZZygsu
"Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"
"And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"
– awholedamngarden
It's gonna take some getting used to.
Bones Everywhere
"Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."
– Princess-Pancake-97
"I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."
– bekastrange
Knee Pillow
"Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."
– snic2030
"I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."
– Strongbad23
More Mobility
"I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."
"Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."
– dma1965
People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.
But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.
That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.