They say not forgiving someone is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.
But sometimes, that is REALLY hard. Forgiveness is a test of your ability to deal with people who have wronged you. And sometimes, you really just do not want to give them that space.
But eventually you need to.
u/forlorn12345 asked:
What was the hardest thing you actually forgave someone for? how is your relationship with them today if you still talk to them?
Here were some of the answers.
Love Is Hard
GiphyI forgave my dad for his drug abuse during my childhood. He lost his sobriety when I was one and didn't get clean till I was 15. He still doesn't know me very well. He thinks he does but, he's wrong. I'm not mad about the time lost and am incredibly proud of his 5.5 years. I've forgiven him, but addiction has had a permanent effect on our relationship and on his brain. I love him, though.
Dads Have A Rough Time
My biological dad wrote me (7-8) and my sister (9-10) a letter. after years of inconsistent visitation he was ready to give up his parental rights. Me and my sister sat on the living room floor while my mom and step dad read us his letter, saying he didn't want us anymore and that my step dad would be a much better father for us. Step dad adopted my sister and i. 2 years later biological dad had a son with another woman. 10 years later he still has custody of that kid. it took me a long time to forgive him. i remember exactly where i was when i did. Spencer Lake Youth Camp. i was probably 16-17 y/o. we have a relationship bc i turned 18 and went to find him. We've never talked about it.
On The Basis Of Religion
I was 11 and I had just been diagnosed with skin cancer when my very abusive mother told me that God was punishing me for being a bad son. I forgave her when I went to church to get baptized because I realized I didn't have the time to be hateful like her. I forgave her for the things she has done and said to me and I forgive her whenever she does anything because I know that my life has been shortened enough by the poor decisions I've made. It was hard, it was one of the few things I'm not sure I could ever do again, because she truly hurt me for years, she always told me I was a mistake and that I wasn't ever wanted, but I let it go and my heart stopped hurting. I know I've never had a mother, not really, and I'm glad I stopped lying to myself about it too.
Go To Therapy
Years of neglect. She's got some issues and doesn't know it. It took me a really long time to recognize that my mother does not in fact walk on water, and is human like the rest of us and is flawed and makes mistakes. She wasn't neglectful on purpose, and she can't admit it to herself or bring herself so apologize, but I forgive her for everything anyway.
He Ain't But A Cheater
He cheated on me and got her pregnant. We divorced, w him leaving me in an apartment I couldn't afford. I forgave him because ironically I was offered a better life, in Hawaii, no less. Karma came back for him, hes twice divorced and the kid lives w her grandmother. I occasionally talk w him now, but cant bear to listen to him talk about his daughter since she's the kid I wouldn't give him.
I Could Have Used A Hospital
My dad found me homeless on the streets suffering from mental illness. I had been hospitalized for it before. He didn't try to take me to the hospital or anything. He just gave me 40 bucks and told me he'd pray for me. And just walked
I still have resentment but I mostly got over it. A lot of people didn't want to help me and I was a lot to deal with, but it still hurts. I still love him and we talk pretty often but once something like that happens you can't just forget it. It's tough.
People talk about stigma of mental illness and how we should be open about it but they want to hear I struggled with it and I'm doing better now. Not when your in the midst of it, and I hope that changes.
Contact
My brother lost contact with us when I about 8-9. I was too young to really remember life with him, but in like 6th grade I was upset about it. He left with nothing for us to remember him by except a pair of earrings he sent me for my tenth birthday (another thing I don't really remember getting; just having).
As I got older it was easier to accept that he left because of his multiple mental illnesses and not because he was angry with me or my family. I've learned to forgive him. I treasure the earrings he got me now. It proves that even through his haze he cared about me. But sometimes it still hurts to think about after all this time. I may never have a chance to see him again. I just wish I could see him again and thank him, and tell him we all forgive him.
The Difference Between Forgive And Forget
He cheated. Once. Told me about it the next day. Expressed genuine remorse. 3 years later we got married. 10 years after that we're still together. Our marriage is still monogamous and has been genuinely happy. It wasn't hard to forgive, but was hard to forget. It hurt so much. It still hurts to think about it, and probably always will. Yet I don't regret staying with him. He's the love of my life.
Yourself Is The Most Important
I forgave him for his addiction which led to years of toxic, codependent behavior. As cliche as it sounds, I was blinded by love and refused to see what everyone else saw; that he was lying to my face about abusing his prescriptions pills.
I believed his stories, thinking there was no way someone could come up with something so believable but I knew something was off about him. I chalked it up to the Lyme Disease since he blamed everything on that.
I lost myself trying to save him. Stupidly, I thought it was my job to make him better, which in turn made me worse. In a fit of overwhelming anxiety, panic, and fear of losing him I tried committing suicide.
I found my way back to him needing to make us work. That was until I found needles in his shorts doing laundry one day. The blow to my gut is something I'll never forget. I was the world's biggest fool...
Determined to move on and find myself again I broke up with him, although I contacted him every day to check up on him. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. We got back together, he got help, and we had a baby girl.
The first two years of her life were pure bliss until I noticed the same behavior creeping back. After a psychotic break led him to get arrested and hospitalized, I knew it was best to let go. I couldn't believe anything he told me anymore.
He didn't see her again until she was almost 4. Some of that was because I got an order of protection for the first few months and then because I had full custody and he was to have visitations. During that time he met another woman and had a son with her.
Fast forward, we're good friends and coparent my daughter together. We share our time with her and I'm also really good friends with his girlfriend and have even babysat their little boy. They seem happy and while I'm no longer in love with him, sometimes I'll catch myself thinking about the memories we had and how we ended up where we are now.
Forgiving myself for being so foolish and hurting my family by trying to kill myself, however, is something I still have yet to figure out.
Stretching Beyond Your Means For Love
GiphyWe, or rather Spouse, stupidly loaned $1,500 to a nephew. His mother asked for it, begged Spouse for it, "because he lost money in a casino and his loan shark is threatening to break a leg." She swore she would pay us back. Later, after bugging her for a while just to get one month's payment, she swore that she didn't say that and that her son, the nephew, would pay us back. He has never repaid us a dime.
In fact, we haven't seen him for 30+ years.
Redditor h-gotfred wanted to hear from the over 50 crowd, so they asked:
"To you Redditors aged 50+, what's something you genuinely believe young people haven't realized yet, but could enrich their lives or positively impact their outlook on life?"
There is so much to know about life.
And we have to age to learn it.
So let's chat...
Be Happy
just married love GIFGiphy"Marriage/relationships should be fun, and happy. Life is hard, things get tough. Find someone that makes the tough times easier, not harder."
Inevitable-Mine6466
"Piggybacking off this and saying, even the happiest marriages get into arguments. It's not a reason to leave."
J3sush8sm3
Battles...
"Not everything that you disagree with deserves an argument. Pick your battles and let trivial things slide."
hail2theKingbabee
"To echo this: Not everyone you disagree with is 'wrong.' They are simply operating with different information. You can disagree with someone on an issue and still value the person. Don't let one issue define your entire relationship with another person."
A_Socratic_Argument
The End
"If you die, your employer will have your job posted before you are buried. Remember that when making work/life choices."
Justin9314
"I started my career at corporate headquarters for a large insurance company. I was doing GREAT, but I just didn’t like the industry. I applied for a job at a major university and someone took a chance on me and gave me the position (transitioning from for-profit to non-profit is notoriously hard)."
"I made less money over the course of my career certainly but I wasn’t on poverty wages by any means. But I remember about 5 years in, one of my old VPs was in town and we got together. His comment was 'We miss you, but you look so much happier, the psychic income is showing.' Insightful guy."
Reynyan
The Truth
"2 things I will be eternally grateful to my grandfather for instilling in me..."
"Failure is not an end state unless it is where you choose to stop. He loved to quote that line by Churchill whenever something didn't work out for me, Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm."
"Honesty is the most powerful tool you can use to define yourself. Admit your mistake, frankly and honestly. The truth always comes out in the end no matter how big or small and it doesn't get better with age. You can give back something you steal, and you can help those you hurt but once they brand you a liar, it's all you will ever be."
iskandar-
Be Quiet
Golden Girls Rose GIF by TV LandGiphy"Unless you don't mind hearing EEEEEEEEEEEE like all the time day and night, use hearing protection in loud situations. Tinnitus is a bi*ch."
revnhoj
Take care of your ears.
One of life's greatest lessons!!!
Live by the Moon
bart simpson maggie GIFGiphy"Wear sunscreen."
nilecrane
"I just had a quick look at my 50-year-old upper chest, frequently exposed to the sun in my youth, and compared it to my 50-year-old belly, which has always been clothed and covered (I have never liked two-piece swimsuits). What a difference!"
HootieRocker59
Passions
"Take a genuine interest in what other people have to say, ask them follow-up questions about their passions in life. Don’t just talk about yourself, or wait for your turn to talk. That’s how you have a conversation, and build a relationship."
MayIServeYouWell
"Sometimes you gotta be careful with that. Pay attention if the other person is doing that too, it's important for you to share about your life. It can be kind of lonely when you know so much about your friends, but they don't know about you."
jacarelunar
Practice makes Perfect
"Every skill takes determined practice to master. I see my young friends/relatives try and give up on so many things because 'they weren't very good at it.' If you keep doing that, you'll never be very good at anything."
EarhornJonesI
"I love cooking - and find it easy and relaxing. I have hit a point where I can make several dishes that I can honestly say are far superior to what I could get at a restaurant. I love delighting my family and friends with what I cook."
"But the truth is - I've prepared thousands of dishes. I've practiced for 40+ years. I have f**ked up every single type of food there is at least once. I've burnt things. I've undercooked chicken. I failed to emulsify things that should have been emulsified. I forgot to set the timer. I've added too much salt. I chopped when I should have torn. I did all of the wrong things at some point. And because of all of these things, I can walk into any kitchen and make something delicious."
NewSummerOrange
63
"I’d say invest in your health by regularly exercising. My wife got me into running when we were in our twenties, and it has been a big part of our lives ever since (I’m 63). Nothing crazy, no marathons, we don’t time ourselves or follow a strict training plan, we just pick a route, go at our own pace, and have fun. We still go 3-4 miles, 3-4x per week."
"I also started working out at the gym 3x a week with free weights in my 30s, and have been doing it ever since. I’m no Schwarzenegger, believe me, but I can still work around the house, move furniture, shovel snow and have fun tossing a ball around with the kids without injuring or exhausting myself. Between aerobic fitness and weights, I’ve been able to stay remarkably healthy my entire adult life, knock on wood. It’s also been great for my mental health and managing stress."
"You don’t have to go nuts and set unreasonably strict requirements for exercise goals or diet that a normal person can’t possibly maintain - just do the best you can, make exercising a few times per week a habit, eat a reasonable diet (avoid fried stuff, eat fruit and veggies, lay off the sweets), and 40 years later you’ll really thank yourself, believe me!"
lanky_planky
Plan Ahead
Make It Rain Money GIF by yvngswagGiphy"Debt can really ruin your life. If you want to take on a lot of it, make sure you have a good plan and run it by a lot of smart people first."
vanityklaw
Debt. Everyone should learn about avoiding debt as early as possible.
This whole list should be taught in Universities.
