It's easy to rib someone well enough to leave them stumped and eventually left to admit defeat.
But beware, for you can never underestimate certain people after you slammed them with your sardonic wit.
They may surprise you with a retort so sharp, it cuts you on the inside and makes you bleed out all of your remaining wit.
Curious to hear from those who you've gotta hand it to for their brilliant digs, Redditor GeorgeTH281 asked:
"What’s your favorite insult?"
Insulting one's intelligence seems to be a default when it comes to roasting.
The Fight Is On
"You have 2 brain cells left and they are both fighting for third place."
– Eclipsethenextone
Don't Bank On A Reprieve
"A penny for your thoughts would be a ripoff."
– TheChainLink2
Flat-Lining
"Your learning curve is a horizontal line."
– idekmnn
This Follows
"You couldn’t pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel."
– nevermyrrh
Doesn't Get Any Lower Than This
"If your IQ was any lower, i'd have to water you."
– Silmarill
No Visual Aid
"I have neither the patience nor the crayons to explain this to you...."
– s0n1cm0nk3y
Frequent Offender
"You make me believe in reincarnation, because nobody could become that stupid in one lifetime."
– dirtbagdano
These hit below the belt, but you can't help but admire the sardonic wit.
Waste Of Oxygen
"There is a tree working hard to make oxygen, and here you are, ruining all of that effort."
– Rich_Bench9594
The Artistic Insult
"Even Bob Ross would call you a mistake."
– WellEndowedPunk
Ratio Imbalance
"Does your a** get jealous of all the sh*t that comes out of your mouth?"
– ChinaCatRider92
Unwanted
"The tide wouldn’t take you out."
– mmratic
Missing Person
"Somewhere a village is missing an idiot."
– JuryBorn
We would like to think most of these are used in jest among friends, which would elicit good-spirited laughter.
But they would also make for an effective slam aimed at your worst adversary. It's all in the delivery–especially in front of their friends.
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Redditor DekuSkrub18 wanted to hear about all of the rules that left people dumbfounded when we were students, so they asked:
"What were the dumbest rules put in place at your school?"
I can't recall a ton of silly rules at my school.
That was back in the 1800s though. Things have changed.
Stand Up
No Way Wtf GIF by HarlemGiphy"Students weren't allowed to sit on the floor in the hallways because it promoted sex."
Arius_de_Galdri
Oh!
"Something would happen: like a dropped tray or a book loudly hitting a table, and the whole cafeteria would yell Oh! The administrators hated it and would try and get us to stop. One week it happened a couple of times in a day."
"The assistant principal stood on a chair and loudly declared that if it happened again, they were going to turn off the vending machines. Of course, everyone yelled Oh! immediately. He angrily walked over and ripped the cords for the vending machines out of the wall… only to be met with a chorus of more Ohs!. It was hilarious but also incredibly stupid."
andronicus_14
Rewards
"At my primary school at the end of the year, there was a beach day for all students who had no detentions. Fine, I guess a reward for good behavior."
"But when you also have a policy of putting anyone who fights in detention regardless of who started the fight it becomes a bit unfair. You get picked on by a bully and you both get detention."
Mythical_Atlacatl
Funneled
"One-way system. You had to go around the entire school to go to your class that was directly next to your previous class. Also, the one-way system funneled all the students into one corridor, when if they could just go the fastest route they could avoid getting in each other's way. They used to say that the school was built in the 70s for much fewer students so the hallways were too small to let students walk where they want."
"So their solution was to funnel all the students down a single hallway. It didn't make sense to me."
Affiliations
"Our school tried banning 'gang affiliated' clothing. I can tell you right now the closest thing we got to 'gangs' in my school was one kid who listened to too much 50 Cent and Eminem, and another who actually grew up in Detroit but was about as clean-cut as they come."
"But oh no, my camo-patterned fall jacket? That I got at OLD NAVY? I must be in a gang. That lasted all of a month until about 1/3 of the school had been sent home for 'dress code' violations multiple times. It was utterly arbitrary and nobody cared except for a handful of the administration."
subtxtcan
Cheers
Cinco De Mayo Drinking GIF by WDRGiphy"The song 'Tequila' was banned because parents said it promoted underage drinking."
LordBaranof
But it's such a great song!
Hairy Situations
Long Hair GIF by Hollie KitchensGiphy"In our school, girls weren't allowed to wear their hair down. If any girl forgot to tie her hair, she was reprimanded. This really irritated the teachers."
Goddess_Gwendolyn
That's Exiled!
"It was always dumb when they would outlaw whatever the new cool harmless fad was. I remember when they outlawed snap bracelets, wacky cards and garbage pail kids, magic cards, etc. I think tomagatchies too."
wpascarelli
"We had both Pokémon cards and marbles outlawed because of people doing unfair trades. It was a bit of a thrill playing a secret game of marbles at the far end of the oval on lunch break once they were banned."
Special_Objective245
"It would disrupt the class. I was in school when Tamagotchis, yo-yos, Pokemon cards, and Yugioh cards were all a thing. I remember how it could be distracting or how kids would get into fights over them."
ibn1989
Skip Away
"If you are X minutes late, you must do the detention during your lunch break for the same amount of time."
"For example, if you came 5 mins late, you have to spend 5 mins doing detention during your lunch break."
"There was no detention if we don't show up to class. Basically, if you're late to class it's better to skip the class."
Goatmanthealien
Terrible
"No jeans."
skarlettohara
"My secondary school (U.K.) had a no jeans policy, our uniform was back trousers white shirt. I wore black jeans to school for the last 4 years. Would get pulled up about it from time to time. I’d just say 'Ah yep, won’t happen again' then continue wearing black jeans. Our school was utterly terrible."
minigmgoit
Water Sounds
noise GIFGiphy"We couldn't have metal water bottles because they might make loud noises if they fell."
Automatic_You4321
Color Lines
"That you couldn't dye your hair at all, even if you chose a natural color. They were so rigid that we kept our hair the color we started school off with that when one particular girl came back after the Summer holidays with brunette hair and revealed that the brunette hair was in fact her natural color, they made her bleach her hair back to blonde!"
Creative_Recover
Who thought any of these idea were valid?
Focus on more education please.
Curious to hear from strangers online, Redditor Guava_ asked:
"Who is the worst kind of person to be sat next to on a long flight?"
These Redditors experienced tainted oxygen.
Olfactory Assault
"Smelly person. I mean I don't think there's anything you can do about it while on the plane."
– sweetgossip
"I’d take a big person over a smelly person, nothing is worse than someone who smells like @ss and you’re trapped…. Total violation of the senses."
– marblepudding
Foul Stench
"I once sat next to a man who smelled terrible - like a zoo animal. He was wearing a suit and tie and was visibly nervous and had sweat dripping down his face. The only item he was carrying was a Bible that he kept occasionally looking at during the 4-5 hour flight."
"Then there was one time I was on a very hot plane on the tarmac, and the German woman next to me smelled horrible and lifted her arm to wipe her armpit with a napkin, and I just wanted to be removed from the planet."
– sloppy_biography
Nose-Hair Curler
"An older woman wearing the most foul smelling perfume my nose has smelled. It was a 9 hour flight. I felt like throwing up from my headache a few hours in."
– purplehotcheeto
Poor hygiene is one thing.
Foul emissions are another.
Gas Leak
"I sat next to a dude who farted the entire 5-hour flight. I almost vomited and it was absolutely vile. I needed a huge shower once I got home. It was bad."
– quemaspuess
The Silent Ones Are Deadliest
"Ha - I sat behind and across the aisle from a guy on a 2 hour flight, who kept farting the rankest farts. After several of them, I finally said out loud, 'What the f'k - nasty' just loud enough for him to hear and looking right at him. He stopped farting after that."
"They were silent but deadly, so I think he thought no one could tell who it was. But I had been upgraded to first class on this little regional jet and it was just the two of us up there."
– sloppy_biography
Diaper Change
"I once had the people behind me change their toddler's poopy diaper right there at the seat and oh god it was awful. We all turned the vents on to blow it away but it was pretty futile. People were gagging."
– mattbnet
Noticing certain behavior made these Redditors uneasy.
Nerves
"Lowkey if I saw a guy in a suit sweating profusely casually checking his bible id get kinda nervous."
– No1shades
"I had someone sitting in front of us with a toddler that had to have it’s diaper changed twice during a 3 hour flight and that kid must have ate nothing but beans or something…seemed excessive for a short flight. I’ve had to change my daughter when we were in a flight when she was that old, but it was once…and took her to the restroom to do it. They did not."
– woundedbearhair
Poetry In Motion
"I was flying home from a college friends reunion. I was hungover and exhausted. All I wanted to do on that flight was sleep. I was seated next to a lady who was writing in a tablet. She kept looking over at me. I thought that she thought I was trying to read what she was writing. I settled back and closed my eyes. When I gave my drink request to the flight attendant, the woman next to me caught my eye. She said ‘would you like to read my poetry?’ I wasn’t hardened enough to say no, so spent the rest of the miserable flight reading and talking about her poetry."
– Walway
Time To Chat
"I'm the furthest thing from a plane chatter oh my god, my anxiety about all of it can only be controlled by sinking into my own mental space and staying there. But one time I was seated next to an old dude who clearly wanted to talk, and in spite of myself I can't help being nice to people, so I let him talk to me for awhile hoping it would just be a brief chat. Well, it wasn't. But to be fair it was because I realized that this guy really wanted someone to talk to, and the more he talked the more I realized he deserved that. He was a widowed veteran doing his best to care for his troubled adult children and he had stories to tell. The story about getting startled by a monkey while on tour in the military was hilarious. And he didn't just talk, he asked about me. I ended up telling this total stranger that I was flying for cancer treatment and showing him my surgical scars. I will never forget that guy. I wish him well. But no, this didn't make me into a plane chatter. I'm grateful that I met him but I'm just as grateful that I haven't been seated next to someone who wants to talk since."
– CharlesMansnShowTune
Pist-Off
"The guy I sat next to on a 14 hour flight that whipped out a bag of shelled pistachios right when we got on and proceeded to crack and eat them for the whole flight. Between the noise of the cracking, the soft shell pieces flying everywhere, and him sucking the shells and licking his fingers, I’m surprised I didn’t end up tackled by air Marshall and hauled off at the nearest stop."
– wayfaringlens
Armrest hoggers are the worst.
And I'm embarrassed to say I'm one of them.
Look, it's not my fault most armrests are poorly designed and aren't wide enough to accommodate the arms of both passengers on either side of them.
That being said, I try to be as respectful of the other person by giving them space to rest their arms as well. What I don't appreciate is when they casually shove my arm off entirely so they can have it all to themselves.
"What is the most unexpected thing you've seen live on tv?"
Not As Cute As He Seemed...
"In the UK a TV personality and her son who is disabled were on a live tv show."
"From what I recall the topic being discussed was online bullying."
"When her son was asked about what to say to these bully's his response was: 'hello you c*nts'."
"Absolute classic British TV right there."- garillar
And This Was Only The Beginning...
"The OJ Simpson Bronco chase."
"They interrupted the NBA playoffs to show it live instead of the game."
"It was surreal."- PaulsRedditUsername
All He Had Hidden, Was A Let Down...
"Al Capone's vault had ........... nothing in it."- MerryBandOfPirates
al capone inmates GIF by History UKGiphyNo Thanksgiving Is Drama Free
"It was Thanksgiving morning in Los Angeles, and a news team went to surprise a family in need with a full Thanksgiving dinner."
"They showed up to the house, and I really think they went to the wrong place."
"The person at the door looked confused by the name the reporter was giving them, but they were live, and I’m sure the reporter was freaking out so she shoved her way into the home with the camera crew and a bunch of people with food."
"They’re all standing in the living room, and the reporter is telling this bewildered woman about what food they brought."
"Then the woman, takes a picture off the mantle, and starts crying, telling the reporter her baby died."
"The reporter was trying to turn the conversation back to the surprise dinner, but the woman only wanted to talk and show pictures of her dead baby."
"It was the cringiest thing I’ve ever seen on live TV."- adventurer84
Some People Just Get Used To It
"The reporter standing at a 45-degree angle, holding onto the street sign for dear life in a wind/rain storm as he was reporting."
"And the two dudes casually walking past, not leaning whatsoever and without difficulty."- Kinky_mofo
An Unforgettable Tragedy
"The Space Shuttle Challenger exploding into the Florida sky."- IfIKnewThen
A Life Threatening Rush...
"A Formula One driver hitting a wall at Imola and attempts being made to resuscitate him on the track."
"They weren't successful."
"Roland Ratzenberger died during Qualifying and things continued to get out of control as crew, drivers and spectators were injured over the weekend and Ayrton Senna died during the race."
"Motor racing is obviously not 100% safe but the number of incidents and two fatalities over the course of a single event was astonishing."
"It really was like the track was cursed."- JMW007
In Case Anyone Missed It...
"I was watching football (soccer) a few years ago and the referee stopped play for a foul."
"The slo-mo replay showed the fouling player grab the other player’s shorts as he stepped across him, and use them to try to stop his momentum."
"The shorts stretched a long way, exposing his penis, which then proceeded to flap around in slo mo, for about 5 seconds, whilst the commentators pretended it wasn’t happening."- Thefdt
Copa America Football GIFGiphyBoxing Doesn't Involve Teeth
"Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield’s ear."- wintermacaw
Everyone Wanted To Look Away, But Couldn't...
"Anderson Silva's leg snapping like a twig."- KeyRageAlert
In Real Time
"Hostage situation during the news."
"The news presenter was talking when an armed man walked in and took them hostage."
"It was wild."- HappyDutchMan
GOOOAAAAL!
"Christian Eriksen legit collapsing and dying on a soccer pitch only to be revived and make the most epic comeback the following season."- True-Expression3378
Going Out on A High
"One time I was flipping through channels and nothing was on."
"Snow mobile freestyle on the winter X Games caught my eye for no good reason."
"Then the guy is in the air either trying to backflip or he just rotates too far on a big jump."
"The snow mobile lands what looks like directly on his chest."
"I’m shocked thinking surely he wasn’t going to survive."
"I can’t recall what the normal announcers were saying or if they cut to something less dramatic."
"But then the sideline reporter type woman said she interviewed the athlete while he was being taken away and he 'felt like he just woke up from the longest dream ever'.”
"So I was optimistic since he was able to speak."
"Maybe even walk off under his own power."
"But I looked it up over the next day or two and he died in the hospital."
"That line from his interview still sticks with me."- FancyPantsHess
There's no going back for a second take when it comes to live television.
So, for better or worse, what happens will potentially be seen by millions of viewers, and most likely never forgotten.