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People Divulge Their Favorite Go-To Comebacks

People Divulge Their Favorite Go-To Comebacks
Image by Engin Akyurt from Pixabay

Whether the person delivering the remark is joking or dead serious and miserable, chances are that we'll be insulted plenty of times in our lives.


And the worst thing that can happen is to freeze.

Nobody wants to be a dear in the headlights when someone decided to bully them. Instead, it's best to be prepared.

A recent Reddit thread asked people to pool their best comebacks to insults they could come up with. Thanks to them, we can walk around stocked with some return fire on the occasion we do fall prey to a person's put downs.

Redditor Concert-Extra asked:

"What is your go-to comeback when insulted?"

Of course, there were plenty of witty one-liners proposed. The hope here is that wittiness of the comeback trumps the intelligence level of the insult that provoked it.

It's all math.

Firmly Mediocre

" 'I've been called worse by better men' " -- Atbunyar

"Stealing that, thanks" -- GSavvage

Saying It Without Saying It

"Let's play horse: I'll be the head and you be yourself."

-- Back2Bach

Getting Literal

"If they say 'fu** you.' I say 'not even if you paid me.' "

"I say, 'I'm not that desperate, and you're not that lucky...' " -- webjocky

Free Reign

"If the insult is funny / good, laugh with them. If it's bad, laugh at them, and just go 'you know what buddy, we'll give you another crack at that one if you'd like.' "

-- FerrellFerret

Others advocated against getting into the weeds with a counter-insult. Instead, they advised a response that, above all, thrived on its absurdity to leave the insulter as puzzled as possible.

Just Nothing

"Complete silence… let the uncomfortable sizzle and sink in. It's debilitating to the ego." -- LivingBeneficial3814

"That's what I do. Insults only have validity if the issuer thinks it worked." -- trenchfootflyfisher

Annoy, Annoy, Annoy

"Ask them to repeat themselves. Then do it again." -- Global-Ad404

"This is the best one because a good insult relies on timing. Having them repeat it makes it sound dumb and mean." -- Elephinker

Keep Pushing

"i just say 'and then?' and i keep saying it after every insult until they run out of insults." -- snodnif

"and theeeeeeeeeeeeeen?" -- Ninkaso

Finally, some advocated the "kill them with kindness" approach.

Opening Things Up

"When somebody is insulting me without any purpose, I just tell them 'bad day, huh?' "

"I swear, 90% of the people almost immediately calm down and even apologise to me, beacuse they seriously had a bad day and they just had too much bad energy without a way to let it go."

"There's no need to fight back, sometimes we need a good approach to end the argument and calm down the attacker."

-- W4rr3n00

BUD

"You doing alright, bud?" -- 7788445511220011

"Oooo the condescending use of 'bud.' Nice touch." -- Kuli24

"noooooooo not the BUD!!!! he's to evil to be left alive" -- Kbirt24

Wind Out of the Sails

"I don't get insulted often but the odd chance when it happens I say 'God Bless You' It either enrages them or they look confused for some reason."

-- Hopenomo

Here's to you leaving here with 10 comebacks in your back pocket.

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1. Crazy Level Confirmed

Last year I changed the privacy setting on my Facebook account to make some of my posts public. I soon found out this was a huge mistake. My crazy ex-wife who I had successfully ghosted for 20 years jumped on there and tried to strike up a conversation. How crazy, you ask?

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Another time she confessed that she purposely caused a rollover accident before we met, in an attempt to hurt her family. Another time I was taking a shower and smelled smoke. It was coming from the plastic handle of the butcher blade she had hidden in the bathroom light fixture.

Axnu

2. Took Her Long Enough

A girl I dated stalked me for five years after we broke up.

She kept writing me letters at every address I lived during that five-year period. If she didn't have the address, she'd send them care of my parents. The most memorable one is the one where she told me she was married and "he's a great guy but he's not you".

Once, not long after I'd moved to a new address, I came home and found a box of cookies she'd FedExed to me.

Eventually I moved to a new state. I knew from her return addresses that she lived and worked there, and was worried we'd run into each other, but realized that was pretty unlikely. Then after less than a year, she found me through a blog I was keeping and left a message on my voicemail demanding we meet.

I posted a message to her on my blog telling her to stop following me or I'd call the authorities. Up to that point I'd been ignoring her, hoping she'd take the hint. That night she called, and I repeated my threat to bring the authorities in. I haven't heard from her since.

Five years. And we were only together for six months in the first place.

JedLeland

3. This Went Way Too Far

woman with sunglasses standing outdoor during daytimePhoto by Katsiaryna Endruszkiewicz on Unsplash

Back when I was 16 and still in school, a female classmate became really obsessed with me. She would send me tons of weird messages. She was also always trying to pair with me in science class, and just staring at me a lot of the time. I was usually just polite in return, and never went out my way to interact with her. But then it escalated.

She ended up getting really creepy, and getting me in a lot of trouble. At one point her messages became genuinely worrying, and I did not know what to do. I remember the night it got really bad was when she sent me a picture of my name carved into her arm. I had no idea what to do. In hindsight, I should've told someone straight away.

The next day in fact, I was preparing to tell one of the teachers or just anyone, possibly to get her help. But before I could she was telling people I told her to carve my name in her arm. It was as a pretty bad time. I got targeted at school that day, had the authorities come to my house, my phone got taken, and I was being treated like a felon.

Everyone apart from my two main friends at school seemed to think I was in the wrong. But I was in for worse. The next day while at school, I get called into the principal's office and told I am being expelled. My parents were called. They were very angry and took me home. They didn’t want to listen to my explanation or side of the story.

Thank God that night the authorities came around with my phone and told me they'd established that I had nothing to do with her doing that. They apologized to me and seemed pretty genuinely sorry.

Permalink

4. Her Timing Was Off

I was seeing this girl and we went out three or four times. Eventually we got to intimate times, and I brought protection but she said it was fine, she was on the pill. A few days later she called me crying, looking for me to console her.

Turns out she was crying because she wasn't pregnant. She wasn't on the pill at all, it turned out, and now that she wasn't pregnant after our romp, she thought she must be barren. Young me learned an important lesson that day and I didn't speak to her again.

Asdf001

5. This Is Just Cruel

I met a girl a while back when online chat rooms were popular. She just got out of a bad relationship. We started chatting and from the get-go I told her I only wanted to be friends. We shared similar interests, enjoyed each other's company, and through talking found out we actually didn't live too far from each other.

We'd meet up from time to time to play video games and hang out. After about two weeks of being friends, she admitted that she was having feelings for me. I said that's sweet but I only see you as a friend and I'd like to keep it that way. From that point on she would make intimate advances, which I kept refusing.

She progressively kept going into more detail of all the "nasty things" she'll do to me. Most of which made me feel super uncomfortable. After a month I couldn't handle all the uncomfortable behavior and decided that we couldn't be friends any longer. When I told her our friendship was over, she threatened to tell lies to the authorities about me.

It's hard to describe what I felt that day, but it was mostly fear. I blocked her from everything and blocked her phone number. Luckily that was the last I heard of her.

Magnus_Blackstone

6. I Bet He Chooses His Words More Wisely Now

man in white dress shirt holding black penPhoto by Caroline LM on Unsplash

My dentist told me this story once. He was still studying to be a dentist and they would work free clinics, often in the poor areas around the campus, for practical requirements. A girl came in a few times to have some cavities filled and by the last session, he said, "Great, we're done, all your holes are filled".

To which she apparently replied, in the chair giving him bad sleep-with-me eyes, "not all of them". His wife (then serious girlfriend) was the dental assistant, and he says the combination of location, situation, and the circumstances creeped him out so much he nearly ran out of the office.

AlexDP1001

7. It’s The Hair That Got Me On This One

Ok so here’s mine. I was at summer camp for blind and visually impaired people, and we were going somewhere. I was on the bus and me and my friend were talking and all of a sudden, he said: “Oh yeah, by the way there’s this girl that told me that she likes you and that she’s going to sneak into your room and watch you sleep. She wanted you to know that".

I didn’t believe it at first, but the next morning I noticed that I lost some hair. And then I thought to myself, “Okay, what the actual heck is going on here”. And then it happened every night. The next year I went, it happened again, and then I started to make sure my window was locked.

I then heard knocking repeatedly, plus: “I know you’re in there, open the window”, in a whispered voice. I got the heck out right then and there.

AidenTheGamerOP

8. A Secret Admirer Gone Too Far

Back when I was 19-20 years old, I had a part-time counter job at local shop. After work, I started finding notes tucked under my windshield wiper when I went out to my car. They were casual, "You’re so cute, I want to get to know you" type of notes. There was no name or anything, so I just kind of shrugged it off and went about my business.

The notes started becoming more frequent, and eventually turned into full on love letters. They talked about being lonely and wanting to be my girlfriend, but she was too shy to talk to me. At that point I started to get concerned, so I asked the people I worked with if they knew anything.

None of them knew a thing about it, but thought it was hilarious. Then something really put me over the top. One night I went out to my car as usual. This time there was nothing on my windshield, but I get in my car and notice a wrapped present with an envelope taped to it. I open the gift, it's a very expensive bottle of booze, which I threw out.

I read the letter and its super inappropriate and vulgar, clearly from a woman. I still have no idea who is doing this. This keeps on going with a different gift the next few nights; a CD from my favorite band, a gift card to a restaurant. At this point I'm super freaked out and talk to my boss to see if there is anything they could do.

They basically shut me down and wished me good luck with the issue. That night I triple checked to make sure my car door was locked, and sure enough, after my shift another bottle and a letter. I called my boss the next day and quit. Never went back, never found out who it was.

Fuginshet

9. Gotcha There

woman in blue tank top standing beside white wallPhoto by ThisisEngineering RAEng on Unsplash

I started a new job and I shared a small office with a woman my age and a couple of other people. She was kind of cute but also weird and super naïve; she grew up in a very rural area. She'd flirt with me a lot, but I wasn't interested.

So, she started sending me emails. They were super long, detailing her whole day. And she sent them to me every day. I never responded. Then one day she sent me this long email confessing her love. I replied with the (very obvious) reasons why it wouldn't work and asked her to stop sending me emails every day.

She didn't. They kept coming. This went on for months. I asked her in person and online to stop, but I still got these email memoirs every day. Eventually, I had another female office mate who was her friend have a talk with her. Finally, the emails stopped.

Not too long after, I moved very far away. Like, the other side of the world far away. That's when I found out some extremely disturbing news. Another office mate sent me an email after I had been there a few months asking me what city I lived in. I told her, and she wrote back that she had heard the crazy emailer was moving there.

To this same small city halfway around the world. That couldn't be a coincidence, right? I asked the office mate for more details, and it got creepier and creepier. She was moving into my neighborhood, she had gotten a job nearby, and she was looking for an "old friend”.

It was about a week before the old office mate finally came clean that she was messing with me.

RPShep

10. New Girl Intuition

The girl I was dating asked if I had changed the locks since breaking up with my ex, even though the breakup was months prior. I'm like, "No, but she wasn't a crazy person so I never worried about it".

She said if I didn’t change the locks, she wasn’t comfortable sleeping over. So, I changed the locks. I wasn't prepared for what happened next. This ex sent me an angry text the next day saying, "So you changed your locks huh? Real nice, jerk". Apparently she had been coming over this whole time and doing who knows what.

Joey42601

11. Young Crushes

When I was about 17 years old, I worked at a cafeteria and some girls (who were around 11 and 13) were chasing me for weeks. They even waited in front of my door when I had to go to work to chase me all the way up there.

One day I was working and the cafeteria was full of people when the 11-year-old girl said "When can I sleep with you?" Everyone instantly looked at me. Uncomfortable isn’t even the right word to describe my feelings at that moment.

Dutchwnk

12. Blood, Sweat And Tears

person cutting vegetables with knifePhoto by Alyson McPhee on Unsplash

"Did you enjoy that dinner? I put my blood in it. Now part of me is inside of you".

Yes, this actually happened. I thought she meant she put a lot of work into it, like, "blood, sweat, and tears", so asked her. Nope, it was way worse than I thought. She actually showed me the cut she made to bleed herself into the dinner.

Sc2RuinedMyLife

13. Run, Just Run

This girl I was seeing said, and did, something super creepy: "Just so you know, I wrote your name on my leg with a boxcutter so I'll always have you near me". I had no idea how to respond to that. I really hope it didn’t scar forever, because we are definitely not still together.

Permalink

14. Woof, Woof

When I was in grade school, a girl snuck up behind me in gym class to sniff my butt. I caught her in the act, and just felt gross.

Drone618

15. Stand-In Boyfriend

smiling man standing near green treesPhoto by Warren on Unsplash

I have a good creepy story. There were some foreign students in a local university, who all told their family and friends back home they have an American boyfriend. They decided to work together to trick the people back home by getting a random average guy to pose in pictures with them, and even treat him to a nice dinner. I’ve was that guy.

Permalink

16. Friend Zone Revenge

Someone I considered a friend started to catch feelings for me. She then found out I had a girlfriend and I didn't feel the same for her. Her response was deranged. First, she found out who my girlfriend was somehow.

She then messaged her and tried to tell her that I was cheating on her with her and that I was…into younger girls (the "friend" was a couple of years younger than us). Luckily, I was with my girlfriend when she got that message so I could explain the situation, then we blocked her.

The next day she messaged her again from an alternate account.

PoopAstronaut

17. Cruise Ship Creep

I once got a message on Instagram from a girl I had met on a cruise saying she loved our time together and asking if I preferred her over my girlfriend. I had maybe spoken to her once and always with people around, so obviously nothing had happened.

My girlfriend was with me when the messages came through, so it was tough to explain at first. You can't really prove something isn't true without witnesses. Looking back now, I just wonder why someone would ever actively try to mess up someone else's life for no reason.

AEDSazz

18. Oh, So It’s That Kind Of Party

group of people tossing wine glassPhoto by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash

In my early 20s, I was at a party and the hosting woman suddenly, full-on grabbed at my pants. Strange, yes. But what made it creepy is that we were right in front of her mother, who was cheering her on.

BauranGaruda

19. And This Is Why We Don’t Use Phone Books Anymore

Some girl found out my address from the phone book—this was the 90s—and she sat outside my house for multiple nights. She stayed ALL night, just watching my house. I live in the middle of the woods, miles outside of town. We only had one date and agreed to leave it at that. I found out some time later what she had been doing.

Crooky50-dc

20. Anything But That

The creepiest thing a girl has ever said to me was: "I kind of write Twilight fan fiction". It was an instant deal breaker for me.

Permalink

21. Not Cool

a young boy holding his hands upPhoto by Oyemike Princewill on Unsplash

I met this girl online and talked to her a bit. I did start to like her. Later, I found out that the picture she showed me of herself was actually a picture of her friend who had died from cancer some years back. I was mortified.

Immortal1h1

22. Never Give Up

I’ve had a girl create about 50 different Snapchat, Facebook, and Instagram accounts, all to try to get me to friend her. I’ve never met this woman in person, and yet every few weeks I’ll get a handful of friend requests from her.

Keldog361

23. Too Soon

A woman once said to me, “I want a baby. I think you'd make beautiful babies”. I was only 18-years-old at the time. That definitely creeped me out.

Ruzkin

24. She’s Closer Than You Thought

people sitting down inside vehiclePhoto by Mitchell Johnson on Unsplash

I chatted with a girl online for a few days back in the day. One day we were chatting and she said that I looked sad on the bus that morning. There was just one problem. I had never met her in person.

Permalink

25. Sealed With Love

I would have to say the creepiest thing for me was when a girl I barely knew figured out my class schedule. She would then leave me letters in sealed envelopes, giving them to my teachers to give to me.

Permalinks

26. Well, You Don’t Win If You Don’t Try

I was going to head home after a night out, and as I was getting into my taxi a girl jumped in after me. I asked what they were doing and she said "I'm coming home with you". Nope. The taxi driver helped me and she got out of the car eventually, but only after I repeatedly shot down her advances.

Stuf404

27. Hopefully She Wasn’t Projecting

brown short coated dog running on green grass field during daytimePhoto by Emil Priver on Unsplash

I’m going to keep this one short because it really packs a punch…I once dated a girl who thought it was suspicious that a single guy had a female dog.

Divineswine_

28. Daddy Issues

A girl I was hooking up with asked me to dress up in army gear and act tough. Okay, sounds reasonable enough, everybody is allowed to have their tastes in the bedroom. But I didn't know what she was really planning. She timed all this so that her dad was getting home mid-act. I freaked out and ran out of there.

Texan-wanderer

29. That Escalated Quickly

The woman I was seeing carved my initials into her arm. Me, being the genius that I was, was flattered and married her.

I was not a smart man. We later divorced after I found her in bed with her teenage cousin. I’ll say it again: I. Was. Not. A. Smart. Man.

Mr_Mori

30. The Trash Took Itself Out

green trash bin beside brown buildingPhoto by Jake Heidecker on Unsplash

A girl came up to me and said: "I had a dream that you and I messed around behind the dumpster, and I can't get it out of my head. Come on, let's go". And then she grabbed me by the waist to lead the way.

For context, I was in high school and this girl was "friends" with my longtime girlfriend, and everyone knew about our relationship. It was closed, monogamous, unexciting, and sweet. And this fake friend pulled this nonsense.

I was angry. But I didn't turn her in because who knows what she'd say I did to school admins. I did tell my then-girlfriend, who cut her off forever.

GirlsPMYourSpread

31. Hopefully He Got A Copy Of This

My ex wrote her 30-page final paper about me, going into great detail about how bad of a boyfriend I was. We were only exclusive for two months.

Lovesaqaba

32. Don’t Forget The Hot Chocolate

I had a girl ask me to break into her apartment and make her hot chocolate in her kitchen, while she hid, scared in her bedroom… then I was supposed to go in and get it on with her. It was some weird role play idea. She really emphasized the hot chocolate though, which is what was weird to me. Especially because we didn’t even drink it.

Kiefighter

33. Classic

pregnant near doorPhoto by Camylla Battani on Unsplash

My ex faked being pregnant to stop me from breaking up with her. Every breakup after that, I waited until my girl’s period before breaking up with her. Having a crazy partner bargain with the life of your unborn child will mess you up.

Permalink

34. What’s In A Name

I was dating a girl named Alison. My Grandma is also named Alison. I had mentioned that I found it a little weird that they had the same name. Her response haunts me. Once as we were becoming intimate, she asked, "Does this make you think of your grandma"? It didn't. Until then.

Arobinsonnz

35. He’s Still Salty About It

I was at a costume party dressed as a piece of bacon, and this girl who had been drinking casually walks up to me, bites my chest through the costume and continues to whisper in my ear "what a juicy piece of meat". I probably stood there for a solid minute trying to figure out what just happened before getting the heck out of there.

Bluminduenger

36. Midnight Watch

worm's-view photo of brown concrete buildingPhoto by Daryan Shamkhali on Unsplash

One woman I was dating climbed up the fire escape next door and came in through my first floor bedroom window. That in itself wasn't actually the creepy part. What was creepy was she didn't jump in bed or anything. Instead, I woke up to her standing in the middle of my room, watching me sleep.

She actually turned her head to the side with a creepy smile and said, “Hello, sleepy head”. It was freaky as heck. I put chains on my windows after she left that day and told her it was to stop the cat from getting out my window.

Butwhywouldit

37. She’s A Keeper

She said: "I can poo bigger than you can"! as she began dropping her pants. To be fair, we were only four years old at the time, behind my parent’s garage. And though I lost that contest, I married her years later and have since upped my game.

Oldendaze2

38. Umm, What?

The creepiest thing a woman ever said to me was: "Your lips looked dry while you were sleeping, so I licked them for you".

Permalink

39. He Needed To Come To Terms With Her Daddy Issues First

man in black crew neck t-shirtPhoto by Noah Blaine Clark on Unsplash

I was literally in bed with this girl when she whispers "You know why I’ve always liked you"? I asked why and she said, "You remind me of my dad". I didn’t leave right away, but I didn't call her for a while after that.

Jeffedge

40. She Put A Spell On You

Once, my long-ago ex wanted to collect my fingernails and toenails for some kind of spell. And she'd sing creepily by herself in the dark at the foot of the bed. It was the creepiest thing I have experienced to this day.

Flipcorp

41. Future Son-In-Law

The creepiest thing a woman ever said to me was: "I should hook you up with my daughter". She said this while she and I were in bed. Oh, that's not all. Her daughter wasn't even 18, and I was in my mid-40s. I was very weirded out by it.

Oh_No_Its_Dudder

42. How Do I Get A Stalker Like This?

group of people near bonfire near trees during nighttimePhoto by Tegan Mierle on Unsplash

This didn't happen to me, but when my dad was at sleep-away camp as a teenager, this girl had a crush on him so she snuck into his cabin and folded and reorganized all of his clothes. To be clear, my dad didn’t know her at all.

Purplepanthersfc

43. He Put Her On The Porch

My ex of less than a week climbed through my first-floor apartment bedroom window. It was 2:30 AM and she had been drinking. While climbing, one of her shoes fell off, and when she saw it she thought that it was another girl’s shoe.

She began to beat me with her shoe while yelling, "Whose shoe is this"? I had to bear hug her to get her to stop, and then I carried her out to the front door and placed her on the porch.

Jmbsc

44. She Was Asserting Dominance

This girl didn’t say anything creepy; she DID something creepy. She took my hand, put it between her legs, and peed in it. Without any warning. I was absolutely disgusted to say the least. She said it was her thing.

NekedSnakeEyes

45. That’s Just Weird

persons left hand doing peace signPhoto by gryffyn m on Unsplash

The creepiest thing I experienced with a woman was when I found half a bag of toenail clippings in her closet. When I confronted her about it, she said, "Yeah, I like to save them for later when I want a midnight snack". I gagged and got the heck out of there, needless to say.

Permalink

46. Oh, Sorry I Wasn’t Listening

About six months after our breakup, my ex called me because she wanted to see me. It seemed strange to me but I accepted. When we met, she was friendly and all. It turned quickly into a nightmare. At a certain point, she pulls out a sheet of paper in which there was a list written of all the men she slept with after our relationship.

She read it all to me, with an accurate description of every intimate encounter. Well, it was awkward so I just sat there quietly, and then ordered my meal.

Omoi_

47. This One Is Movie Material

My wife and I were in town with our two-year-old son visiting my parents when an old high school friend (she was only ever a friend) came by to meet my wife and son. After we all sat and talked for a few hours and after what felt like a pretty normal night of company, we all got up to say good night. Then the most shocking moment of my life happened.

The friend hugged my wife goodbye then turned to me, grasped me very firmly into a hug, kissed me on the lips, and then whispered into my ear, "Your son should have been ours. I love you"!

She then turned away like it was totally normal and waved goodbye to us and left. My wife didn't see or hear any of it and I never told her. She thinks the girl is a decent person and we'll never see her again.

Germ994

48. Better Late Than Never

Tattoo neon signagePhoto by Sherman Yang on Unsplash

Here’s a creepy one for you. My ex got my name tattooed on her foot...three years after we broke up.

Permalink

49. Stranger Danger

This is copied from an email I received from a stalker seven years ago: “When you and she have your baby, rest assured, I’ll be the one that raises it”. This was just many of the creepy things she sent me.

We_Are_The_Odd

50. Whoa, This Is Next Level

I was talking to a girl on the phone who started telling me a story about how when she was seven, she pushed a girl into a pool and watched her struggle. The girl didn't make it. But that wasn't all. Her grandma came home, found out about it, and told her to tell the authorities it was an accident. That was a warning sign right there.

HandsomeDynamite