What do you do when your son dies and a whole new side of him gets revealed? This father feels like his son was a different person after he moved to a new city, and is torn about allowing his son's friends to talk about their social life at the funeral.
LostSonMissHim asked Reddit whether he should let his friends speak.
I recently lost my son in an accident. my entire family and I are upset beyond belief and miss him dearly. We will of course hold a proper funeral service for him and I'm sure that more than a few tears will be shed.
With regards to speakers, I have found myself in a strange dilemma. He moved away in his early twenties to another city. Before he left, he was always something of a loner, with no real friends. Now, after his passing, I'm hearing from many friends of his in the city he moved to.
They all describe him as being an incredibly open, outgoing, and incredibly sociable person. This is just not how anyone in the family has ever known him. He was always incredibly quiet and meek among other people for as long as we've known him.
A couple people have asked if they may say a few words during his funeral, and one person was so kind as to give a rough outline of the eulogy he intended to give. It was beautifully written, but in some ways, I can't help but feel that it's about a person I've never met.
I don't want to disrespect the friends my son has immediately before his death, but I'm also having trouble identifying speakers for his funeral, because on top of his death, I'm only suddenly finding out about another side to his personality.
I should mention, it's not possible that this is mistaken identity. Many of his friends have shared photos of him with me.
Now the funeral is approaching, and I don't know how to handle the speakers. I love my son, and the people who have offered their condolences are wonderful, but finding out about a social life I ever knew about just breaks my heart. In a way, I don't think I can handle hearing about it right now.
tl;dr: My son had a much more active social life just before he died than he did when he lived at home. Some of his friends have asked to deliver eulogies. I'm having trouble dealing with this second side of my son that I never knew about, and am worried that the eulogies might hurt me more than I already do.
EDIT**** The reason I'm asking for help is that I felt a sort of double grief, for the quiet son I knew and the outgoing son I never knew. I want his friends to have a chance to speak. After what they've said, and as kind as they have been, I can't imagine leaving them out of the funeral.
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
The son clearly grew after moving - let his friends speak.
GiphyI'm so sorry for your loss.
It sounds like these friends had a chance to get to know a new side of your son that may only have blossomed once he moved and didn't have close family to rely on.
In my honest opinion, if I were in your shoes, I'd let them give their speeches. I'd want to hear of the great stories he's made with new friends. To be given an opportunity to learn about his adventures and experiences, even in the eyes of new acquaintances would make me so happy. You could find out exciting hobbies he took up, what he enjoyed most in his new city, and his overall well being.
In the end, I think you might regret the opportunity of not allowing his friends (regardless if new) to talk about the man your son turned into.
All those friends mean your son was awesome.
GiphyI lost a son myself. Remember, they knew him differently than you did. I would attempt to take solace in the fact that your son had such wonderful friends and a happy life though it was brief. And the eulogies...man, they're going to hurt. But it will be cathartic. You're going to cry, and hurt, and remember, and maybe hear some new stories. I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. Someday it will be easier.
Don't shut out the happiness he created.
GiphyI lost my older brother in an accident last year. He was a nonfunctioning alcoholic with severe depression and anxiety. His death was an accident, but his life had already been taken away from him by his multiple diseases.
The brother I knew was mean and angry and selfish. He stole money and lied and totaled cars and probably would have voted for trump. When he was sober, he was my favorite person in the world. He was beautiful and intelligent and kind. But unfortunately, I rarely saw that side of him.
At his memorial service my eulogy talked about the disparity between his two personalities, and how tragic his life was, and how we needed to honor both sides of him if we were going to do him justice.
Watching his church friends who lived with and knew him when he was sober get up and tell stories was very therapeutic for me. Heartbreaking, but therapeutic, because it meant that he had a sliver of happiness in his adult life. I can't imagine having left them out.
Please let them speak. If you like, PM me and I'll send over the eulogy I wrote for him. It may help you gain some clarity.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Be proud of him.
I am very sorry for your loss. 63-year-old mom here. My babies now 32 and 35. Both have blossomed in their twenties into very self-confident young adults. Can you possibly feel proud that he continued to grow and mature once he was out on his own?
Not a bad idea.
GiphyJust a suggestion OP, start with people who knew him before he moved away and then have his friends who knew him later speak. That way there's a beautiful picture painted of the man he was and the man he became.
This is a chance to get to know your son.
GiphyIt sounds like your son grew when he left home, I would let them speak so that you may get to know that side of him.
It's natural for people to grow away from their family.
GiphyI don't think I hide my true self when I'm with my family, but there is definitely a sense that I'm being watched or judged even when it's not true. I think it's natural to feel a little more free and outgoing away from one's parents, even though the parent/child relationship may be very positive. I'm so sorry for your loss, but what I'm taking from this post is that your son had a chance to blossom and express himself as he matured during his time on earth. I hope it is eventually a comfort for you to hear his friends speak of him so well.
There's always more to someone than you know.
GiphyUnfortunately, I've had 5 relatives die in the last 5 years and this surprise at finding out about the other aspect/s of their personality has happened literally every time. Not just to me, but to family/friends who were closer to the deceased than I was. I've become somewhat convinced that you never really get to know anyone until they die and you hear from all the other people whose lives they've touched. People are complicated, there's always more to them than you expect. I think you'll find that hearing these stories will help more than it hurts. There will still be elements of the man you knew in the stories other people tell.
Get to know the friends.
GiphyI can't tell you what to do with this. But do make a list of all these friends, and then after the funeral, when things are settled down a bit, go and visit them and learn about the other side of your son. Or ask them to write, but better visit them, and visit the places they went with him if it's not too much trouble.
And maybe balance the old with the new.
GiphyMatch speakers 1 to 1, for every 'old son' speaker let there be a 'new son' speaker. Gather them together, explain the situation, and have them read each other's outlines so they can prepare adequate transitions between the eulogies.
Redditor Tight_Anywhere6794 wanted to hear about the things parents have said in the past that haunts everyone still, so they asked:
"What insult have your parents said, that is stuck in your head as an adult?"
I've been blessed with the mother I had.
So I can't speak from experience.
But I've heard parenting horror stories.
Bad Expressions
Sad Kid GIF by 1tvGiphy“'You’re so annoying.' Said to me as a young kid while I was expressing enthusiasm over some new interest. Later my father complains I never tell him anything."
foppishyyy
Mean Spirited
"What did I do to deserve a fat kid?"
Silosolo
"My parents also mocked me for being fat, and outright physically abused me as in forcefully grabbed my fat child manboobs or slapped me while calling me fat-related names."
"A lot of people at school did it too, so obviously I have a lot of self-image issues like I never let anyone see me without clothes these days. The worst part is that I legitimately internalized a lot of hate, I could never care for myself enough to actually get fit."
FoeWithBenefits
What's My Name?
"My parents divorced when I was young and they hate each other. My mom would call me my dad's name when she was really upset. What makes it worse is that I confided in her that I never wanted to be like my dad. She used that ammunition against me."
Discarded_Pariah
"That's awful. You are your own person. You aren't your father."
blksmnr
Unfunny
"'You can't even laugh right.'"
"My mom in a weird moment I thought we were bonding. There's something inherently extra evil when someone tells you your joy is wrong. Told her I'm engaged and hoped she could at least be happy I'm happy and she ghosted everyone to the point the family thought died. She's a mess."
BlindEditor
"I'll never understand parents that are so hard on their own children that they can't even be happy for them. So their sole function is to bring misery to their offspring?"
macabre_irony
Evil
Oh My God Wow GIF by The Roku ChannelGiphy"My little brother was drowning, I tried to save him but also almost drowned, we got rescued by a neighbor. My mom told me that they should've left me in the pond. I haven't spoken to her in many years."
Ilookbetterthanyou
Good Lord. How do people like this exist?
Tragic.
HIM
"She told me I was acting just like my father when I would get upset. I would just get kinda pissy and sulk. He would go on rampages and scream and hit and throw things. He pushed her down the stairs once. I would never lay a finger on my current partner. The worst part is I look just like him. I was wondering if my mother always expected me to turn into my dad. I prove her wrong every day."
rot_grl
10 Years Old
"When I was ~10 years old, my mum once said 'If I could go back in time and make sure I never gave birth to you, I would in a heartbeat.'"
"Never forgot it. Talked to her about it a couple of times years later and her responses ranged from 'That never happened' to 'Oh yeah and I suppose I’m just the worst mother ever' and finally 'Yeah but I didn’t mean it, you know that.'"
"Messed me up tho tbh. Another one was '[older sibling] was the only child we actually planned for, the rest of you were accidents.' I don’t think it was intended as an insult, but being told your entire existence was an accident as a child kinda stung."
SpiderP*bes
Failures
“'You’re the biggest mistake I ever made.' - my mother when I was 5. I’m 32 now and it’s been the undercurrent for our relationship ever since, constantly wondering if anything I’ve achieved or struggled for is something she’s genuinely proud of or just relieved to say I wasn’t a total failure on her part."
thefaehost
Generational Issues
"Not a parent but a grandparent, I was adopted when I was 12 years old (my parents were both drug addicts so I was in and out of foster care most of my life) my adopted mother's father turned to me on Christmas Eve when no one else was around and said 'My daughter should have never adopted you, she should have let you stay on the streets where you belong'… he got nicer as he got older and sicker but I couldn’t find it in myself to forget what he said even almost 10 years later. Went to the funeral for moral support but was indifferent about his passing."
samweather227
Just Me
Sad Kids GIF by Cian DucrotGiphy"I was an only child and lonely. When I asked for a sibling, the response was 'If you want to know why we don't have more kids, go look in the mirror.'"
Responsible_Fly_3565
Some people should never have children.
Awful.
"What is something you no longer have patience for?"
Off The Clock Means OFF THE CLOCK!
"Working outside of work hours."
"I used to go above and beyond, now I only put in what is required."
"Life is too short to live only to work."- Chesterfieldcat
"The working world."
"My life doesn’t revolve around working here and it never will."
"It will never be a part of my identity."
"I come in, do the job, make money, go home."
"Don’t expect me to come to all the work happy hours so I can pretend how much I love working here."- nuclearsalt
Some Things Just Don't Get A Free Pass
"Sh*tty people getting a pass 'because they're family'."- cgulash
angry homer simpson GIFGiphySay What You Mean, Not What You Feel
"Having to guess what people REALLY mean by something they said."
"I take everything people say at face value now and don't replay conversations in my head to find out the real meaning anymore."
"Be passive-aggressive if you want to but talk to me like an adult if you really have a problem."- WateredDownSalt
EYES ON THE ROAD!
"People who text and drive."
"You're driving a giant piece of metal propelled by explosive liquid."
"Pay attention."- MasterfulNothasie
The Only Life That Should Concern You Is Your Own
"People and groups of people that only talk about other people."- Turf98
"People who can’t mind their fucking business and are always worried about what other people are doing."
"If it doesn’t effect you, f*ck off."
"It’s literally free."- wackwackwackjpg
GIF by WWEGiphySome People Didn't Mind Social Distancing
"People invading my personal space."- Mighty-Foreskin
Influence Can Be Dangerous
"Anything that has “influencer” in it."- chemistcarpenter
Indoor Voices People...
"Streamers screaming, losing their sh*t, breaking things, and having tantrums."
"I used to think this was so funny now I just can't stand it; I can't even watch a streamer if I notice they're not using their normal talking voice." - Reddit
Fail Oh No GIF by G2 EsportsGiphyTaking Responsibility Is A Sign Of Maturity
"People who constantly blame others for the situation they are in."- SuvenPan
Time Is Precious And Shouldn't Be Wasted
"Waiting on people who are constantly late to plans."
"I will wait 15 minutes then excuse myself."- Dabbles-In-Irony
There's Multi-Tasking, And Then There's Just Being Rude...
"People being on their phone while in a conversation with you."
"Seriously."
"Put your phone away!"- rosieblinkstime
Phone GIF by Poehlmann FitnessGiphyIt Takes So Much More Effort To Be Nasty...
"Bad manners, unkindness and general rudeness."
"It costs nothing to be a nice person and from someone who works in a customer-facing industry, attitudes, sadly, appear to be getting worse."
"It really makes me cross."- Bellamiles85
At Least They're Being Transparent
"Medicine commercials with worse side-effects than the thing being cured."- mrbbrj
Wasting our time and thoughts about things that we know can only bring us down is simply no way to get through life.
It's essential to live our lives by taking the present moment for what it is: a present.