What do you do when your son dies and a whole new side of him gets revealed? This father feels like his son was a different person after he moved to a new city, and is torn about allowing his son's friends to talk about their social life at the funeral.
LostSonMissHim asked Reddit whether he should let his friends speak.
I recently lost my son in an accident. my entire family and I are upset beyond belief and miss him dearly. We will of course hold a proper funeral service for him and I'm sure that more than a few tears will be shed.
With regards to speakers, I have found myself in a strange dilemma. He moved away in his early twenties to another city. Before he left, he was always something of a loner, with no real friends. Now, after his passing, I'm hearing from many friends of his in the city he moved to.
They all describe him as being an incredibly open, outgoing, and incredibly sociable person. This is just not how anyone in the family has ever known him. He was always incredibly quiet and meek among other people for as long as we've known him.
A couple people have asked if they may say a few words during his funeral, and one person was so kind as to give a rough outline of the eulogy he intended to give. It was beautifully written, but in some ways, I can't help but feel that it's about a person I've never met.
I don't want to disrespect the friends my son has immediately before his death, but I'm also having trouble identifying speakers for his funeral, because on top of his death, I'm only suddenly finding out about another side to his personality.
I should mention, it's not possible that this is mistaken identity. Many of his friends have shared photos of him with me.
Now the funeral is approaching, and I don't know how to handle the speakers. I love my son, and the people who have offered their condolences are wonderful, but finding out about a social life I ever knew about just breaks my heart. In a way, I don't think I can handle hearing about it right now.
tl;dr: My son had a much more active social life just before he died than he did when he lived at home. Some of his friends have asked to deliver eulogies. I'm having trouble dealing with this second side of my son that I never knew about, and am worried that the eulogies might hurt me more than I already do.
EDIT**** The reason I'm asking for help is that I felt a sort of double grief, for the quiet son I knew and the outgoing son I never knew. I want his friends to have a chance to speak. After what they've said, and as kind as they have been, I can't imagine leaving them out of the funeral.
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
The son clearly grew after moving - let his friends speak.
GiphyI'm so sorry for your loss.
It sounds like these friends had a chance to get to know a new side of your son that may only have blossomed once he moved and didn't have close family to rely on.
In my honest opinion, if I were in your shoes, I'd let them give their speeches. I'd want to hear of the great stories he's made with new friends. To be given an opportunity to learn about his adventures and experiences, even in the eyes of new acquaintances would make me so happy. You could find out exciting hobbies he took up, what he enjoyed most in his new city, and his overall well being.
In the end, I think you might regret the opportunity of not allowing his friends (regardless if new) to talk about the man your son turned into.
All those friends mean your son was awesome.
GiphyI lost a son myself. Remember, they knew him differently than you did. I would attempt to take solace in the fact that your son had such wonderful friends and a happy life though it was brief. And the eulogies...man, they're going to hurt. But it will be cathartic. You're going to cry, and hurt, and remember, and maybe hear some new stories. I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. Someday it will be easier.
Don't shut out the happiness he created.
GiphyI lost my older brother in an accident last year. He was a nonfunctioning alcoholic with severe depression and anxiety. His death was an accident, but his life had already been taken away from him by his multiple diseases.
The brother I knew was mean and angry and selfish. He stole money and lied and totaled cars and probably would have voted for trump. When he was sober, he was my favorite person in the world. He was beautiful and intelligent and kind. But unfortunately, I rarely saw that side of him.
At his memorial service my eulogy talked about the disparity between his two personalities, and how tragic his life was, and how we needed to honor both sides of him if we were going to do him justice.
Watching his church friends who lived with and knew him when he was sober get up and tell stories was very therapeutic for me. Heartbreaking, but therapeutic, because it meant that he had a sliver of happiness in his adult life. I can't imagine having left them out.
Please let them speak. If you like, PM me and I'll send over the eulogy I wrote for him. It may help you gain some clarity.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Be proud of him.
I am very sorry for your loss. 63-year-old mom here. My babies now 32 and 35. Both have blossomed in their twenties into very self-confident young adults. Can you possibly feel proud that he continued to grow and mature once he was out on his own?
Not a bad idea.
GiphyJust a suggestion OP, start with people who knew him before he moved away and then have his friends who knew him later speak. That way there's a beautiful picture painted of the man he was and the man he became.
This is a chance to get to know your son.
GiphyIt sounds like your son grew when he left home, I would let them speak so that you may get to know that side of him.
It's natural for people to grow away from their family.
GiphyI don't think I hide my true self when I'm with my family, but there is definitely a sense that I'm being watched or judged even when it's not true. I think it's natural to feel a little more free and outgoing away from one's parents, even though the parent/child relationship may be very positive. I'm so sorry for your loss, but what I'm taking from this post is that your son had a chance to blossom and express himself as he matured during his time on earth. I hope it is eventually a comfort for you to hear his friends speak of him so well.
There's always more to someone than you know.
GiphyUnfortunately, I've had 5 relatives die in the last 5 years and this surprise at finding out about the other aspect/s of their personality has happened literally every time. Not just to me, but to family/friends who were closer to the deceased than I was. I've become somewhat convinced that you never really get to know anyone until they die and you hear from all the other people whose lives they've touched. People are complicated, there's always more to them than you expect. I think you'll find that hearing these stories will help more than it hurts. There will still be elements of the man you knew in the stories other people tell.
Get to know the friends.
GiphyI can't tell you what to do with this. But do make a list of all these friends, and then after the funeral, when things are settled down a bit, go and visit them and learn about the other side of your son. Or ask them to write, but better visit them, and visit the places they went with him if it's not too much trouble.
And maybe balance the old with the new.
GiphyMatch speakers 1 to 1, for every 'old son' speaker let there be a 'new son' speaker. Gather them together, explain the situation, and have them read each other's outlines so they can prepare adequate transitions between the eulogies.
"What’s the wildest thing you’ve ever heard teacher say in class?"
And Anyone With Such Closed Minded Views Shouldn't Be Teaching...
"Had the Head of the Department in college claim in class that anyone who actually needs accommodations for mental health issues should not be in college to begin with."
"This was while we were discussing 'Death of a Salesman' and the discussion had veered over to unhealthy pressure and social standards for success."- RavensQueen502
Wait what?!
"My very well-respected Biology teacher in college spent almost an entire lecture telling us that Jamie Lee Curtis was a hermaphrodite."
"It seemed oddly personal to him."- Urbane_Cowboy
Sad On So Many Levels
"Not heard but my freshmen year high school teacher once pulled a bottle of Jack out of his desk and took a shot during class."
"He was dying so towards the end I think he just stopped caring."- Mangothefello
Can't Take The Heat, Then Stay Out Of The Classroom...
"High school science teacher told my class that a kilometre was longer than a mile."
"Refused to budge when refuted and kicked out several students for doing so."- SupersonicDebris13
"5th grade teacher: 'Mount Whitney in California is the tallest mountain in the world'."
"5th grade me blurts out: 'No it isn't, Mount Everest is."
"Whitney is not even the tallest mountain in the USA, which is Mount McKinley in Alaska'."
"I got in trouble for 'contradicting the teacher'."- gtmattz
get out GIFGiphyIt's Not Just Students Who Are Bullies...
"I had a teacher ridicule a fat kid about his lunch choices in front of the whole class."
"He ran out crying as she was making fat guy blimp gestures and telling him he was going to be huge as an adult."- SnooOwls5859
Some Dramatic License It Seems...
"I had a literature teacher who told the class that he didn't believe in dinosaurs, because the universe is only a couple thousand years old."
"The bones were put there by Satan."
"Thank f*ck he wasn't a science or history teacher."- AllBadAnswers
of montreal dancing GIF by Polyvinyl RecordsGiphyEveryone Deserves Nice Acomodations...
"My English teacher told us that he genuinely believes that the Rothchilds own a hotel for aliens in the Bermuda triangle."- TroyLear77
Well, Then...
"We had this kid in our 6th-grade class."
"Very dark skinned kid from Africa."
"His name was Tajak."
"Every now and then when we'd line up to go to another class or lunch and the lights would go out some of his friends would go 'where Tajak at?'"
"Anyway one day we had a sub and we we're lining up for lunch, the lights went out and there went the 'where Tajak at?' and the SUBSTITUTE TEACHER who was also black went 'Boy you darker than night'."
"6th grade was f*cking wild."- 11221mikew
Sad Premonitions
"Psych teacher in high school told us that 1 in 10 of the people were friends with in high school would be dead within 5 years of graduating."
"At the time I thought it was hyperbole, but it turns out he was being conservative."
"3 of the people in my high school friend group were dead by the time I was 22."- Reddit
Do They Really Need A Reason?
"'Now girls, don't you let them boys touch your breasts'."
"'It'll give you cancer'."- jondru
Maybe Should Have Checked With The Geography Teacher?
"A teacher in Elementary school claimed during history class that the Colosseum was in Greece, as an Italian kid I was very confused, this was in Mexico."- Spascucci
So Much For Instilling Hope...
"Didn't hear this personally, but read in a book about a guy who recalled his teacher skipping chapters in a textbook and saying 'You will not need to know this when you are down in the mines'."- futanari_kaisa
The mark of a good teacher is that students will take everything they hear from them with them for the rest of their lives.
Though, the less-than-wonderful teachers may also say things their students will never forget.
Redditor RedditPenguin02 wanted to make a list of the best inquiries to make when starting a relationship, so they asked:
"What is a good question to ask before you start dating someone?"
From what I've learned in my past, always ask... "Are you into Buffy the Vampire Slayer? The TV show."
If it's a no, then it's a dealbreaker.
I Do
Shocked Schitts Creek GIF by CBCGiphy"Are you married?"
wrenchmonkey135
"I would ask that. If they said no, the next question was 'Would your wife agree?'"
"If they laughed, they were telling the truth. If they got indignant and pissed off that I thought they were lying…they were married."
"Worked every time."
Squibit314
We Lived!
"Do you clap when the plane lands?"
dont_u_know
"I swear people used to do this all the time when I was a kid (early 2000’s), and I don’t think I’ve heard anyone do it in 5+ years. I guess 9/11 really made people afraid of flying for about 10 years and then most folks decided they didn’t need to applaud when the plane landed safely?"
jmims98
Family Planning
"Do you want kids in the future? If one person wants kids and the other wants to stay child-free, then they are not compatible. And it is better to try dating someone else."
GoodAlicia
"It confuses me whenever some couples who disagree on this end up in a conundrum because one expected the other to change their mind. This is something I bring up early cause I see no future with someone who wants kids when I do not."
GoodAlicia
"You should always put childfree on your dating profile. It's not a small thing. Either you agree on it or not. If I had to date, I would put childfree on my profile too."
GoodAlicia
Carb it on...
"Do you like bread? That is the extent of my flirting skills."
HumpieDouglas
"Being German, bread is like a frickin' cultural phenomenon here, we have around 300 kinds of bread, there's a bread museum, every time I go on vacation I'm like yeah it's nice here but the bread ain't it yall, never as good as home lol. So yeah, valid question and the only answer to this is an enthusiastic yes."
Nayeliq1
Room Temperature
Frosty The Snowman Winter GIF by filmeditorGiphy"What temperature do you set the thermostat to throughout the year?"
OneFingerIn
"Haha this one always gets me as someone who needs low temps - you can always put on more clothes, I can't peel my skin off to get cooler."
djdante
The thermostat is a dealbreaker for me.
It's gonna be 60. Love it or move on.
Discovery
Blown Away Wow GIF by AminéGiphy"When was the last time you changed your mind about something?
"Opens a window to how they think."
youcantkillanidea
"If that was really early on in the dating I’d think it was a bit of a head-f**k question. I’d probably find that question a red flag, tone dependent, although I agree with the sentiment."
LivestockMarc
Personal Time
"Aside from major differences about finances, kids, politics, or religion, a big one is; What are your hobbies? If they don’t really have any, you may be the next hobby, which isn’t going to work unless you’ve got that kind of time. If the hobbies are time-consuming ones generally done with a SO."
"But you have no interest in them, that could be an issue as well. If only one of you likes camping, wanted to spend vacation lounging instead of exploring, didn’t like sports, etc either that partner is annoyed or the other feels like they don’t get to enjoy what they love."
Githard
Past Issues
"Ask them about their exes. If they think every single one of them is an a**hole... they are likely the real a**hole."
CantTakeMeSeriously
"I have mixed feelings about that - I've been in three previous relationships and all three were emotionally abusive towards me (one wasn't nearly as bad as the other two, though) in various ways. I know this is a common sentiment and it always makes me afraid that people won't believe me or something.
"I mean, I realize in your comment you said 'likely' and not '100% sure' and there's plenty of room for nuance."
phiore
Values
"I would try to take care of any dealbreakers. If I find out that she has different political values than I do, it's not going to work out in the long run, so I wouldn't bother. Same thing with other factors (religion, financial values, etc.). I would also ask how much cuddling she likes to engage in, as I prefer a lot."
SkullKrusher9000
Essentials
Tell Me More To Do List GIF by Disney ChannelGiphy"When I was dating my three essential questions were always kids, sex, and money. If you're not on the same wavelength for any of those three things, just don't even try."
KhaosElement
TRUTH PLEASE!!
"So, how much personal debt do you have?"
"Source: the guy who dated a woman with huge debts and was asked to pay for everything and then some".
"After that, I'd go with, 'Have you ever been diagnosed with borderline, narcissistic, or histrionic personality disorders?"
extracensorypower
The questions are basic.
Just ask for the truth.
Do you have any good Qs to add to the queue? Let us know in the comments below.
