Death is a hard topic to discuss. Besides the obvious, it's difficult to grasp that someone once in your world is gone. It's even harder if you truly loved that someone. Sons, daughters, spouses, none of them would comfortably accept the person they cared about is no longer there. What about those uncommon relationships? How would you handle that?
Reddit user, u/[usernamedeleted], needed advice about how to talk to someone about a death when they asked:
Daughter [F20] died. What can I [M43] do for her boyfriend [M20]?
My daughter died three weeks ago. My wife and I are obviously upset but we're coping. I'm posting this because I'm a little worried about her boyfriend. I've been back to her grave three times and he's been there every time. Just sitting there. The first two times I left, because I didn't want to bother him, but yesterday I went over and talked to him. We went to a bar and talked some more.
I'm not going to pretend to know the guy, I had only talked to him 5 or 6 times prior to this. But he seems like the type of guy who keeps to himself, with not too many friends. He's also a bit of a nerd. He reminds me of myself actually, which is part of the reason I feel the need to help in some way. When we were at the bar he said a few somewhat alarming things , but these two stuck out: "she was all I had... I have nothing left" and "I'm lost without her."
I suggested therapy, told him that it's helped me in the past, but he had no interest in it. I offered to let him stay at my house, I can't imagine its very nice sleeping in the apartment that she died in, but he declined. I'm not really sure what to do. He said things that made me think he might commit suicide, but I don't know him that well so I can't be sure. He just seemed so gloomy. Advice is appreciated.
tl;dr:Daughter [F20] died. What can I [M43] do for her boyfriend [M20]?
Get To Know Him, First
GiphyI'm so, so sorry for your loss. This must be a very trying time for you and your wife.
As I am sure you and your wife have noticed, it is a lot easier to overcome grief when you have someone to share with, but this young man has lost the partner who he would normally have shared his grief with. It is very noble of you to want to try to guide him through his grief. But considering you don't know him well, I doubt there is much you can personally do for him except continue to be pleasant with him when you happen to see him, and try to keep in touch and talk to him if he is willing. If you know how to contact his parents, or if you know any of your daughter's close friends who might also be close with him, the best thing you can do is to inform them of the sentiments he expressed to you and that you are worried about his mental health and ask them to keep an eye on him and check in with him to make sure he is safe.
Just Include Him
My gf died when she was 21 and I was 26. What helped me the most was the family continuing to include me in their life. They made me feel like part of their family. They'd have me over for dinner on random nights, and I'd even spend thanksgiving with them and go to their lake house a couple times. I think it helped them as much as it helped me.
But I really didn't know how to grieve and would spend all day thinking like "what do I do now?"...Not a deep philosophical question but literally what do I do today/tonight? Passing time became incredibly difficult, so every time anyone included me in anything was greatly appreciated. I feared having to go home after work with nothing to do, knowing I'd be alone with my thoughts all night. She committed suicide, so it was impossible not to think about suicide. Not doing it myself, but just that it exists, and it's scary. Unlike other causes of death, you can't sweep that dark thought under the rug. It's right in your face. So just being around people I know was helpful. Being with her family was doubly helpful because I could kinda see how they were grieving and take cues and learn from them.
Put On Your Oxygen Mask First...
GiphyI'm so sorry, I can't begin to imagine.
As to what you can do... I guess just keep talking to him and giving him someone to talk to. Maybe invite him over for dinner or something, you all have a chance to talk about your daughter/his girlfriend and at least you know he's eating one decent meal that day. It's tough, you've got your own grief and your wife's grief and now you're taking on helping with someone else's as well... that's true grace.
By the way, remember the rule of the oxygen masks and if he is going down a bad way and it's exacerbating your grief then call his family or a mental health team in.
Go Through It Together
GiphyFind a local grief support group and go to the next meeting and bring him. Tell him you're going to try it just once, but want him to come along as moral support for you.
Find That Common Ground
GiphyFirst of all, I am sorry for your loss.
Second of all, you sound like a phenomenal human being for caring about your daughter's boyfriend. He sounds like he needs professional help as well as someone just physically being there. If you and your wife are comfortable with the idea, maybe have a weekly coffee/dinner/whatever with him and just talk about how you are all doing and/or your favorite memories of your daughter. I think one of the worst part about losing someone you love is that it makes you feel incredibly isolated and alone- maybe he needs people around him that know just how great of a person your daughter was so they can understand how profound his grief is.
Since you said he's like you, maybe connect on stuff you guys have in common so your relationship isn't revolving around death. If you're into Star Wars, maybe talk about the new Star Wars movie? If you're into D&D and are going to have a game night with people, maybe invite him?
That being said, I think I would still every now and again bring up therapy. Perhaps not in "you should do it" sort of way, but you heard about a therapy group and you might try it out. That way, he is always reminded of the option.
You're a good dad, OP. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.
Hugs Are A Good Place To Start
GiphyWhen I was 19, a girl I was very close to died in a car accident. Her brother is still one of my two best friends (I'm almost 40 now). She and I had dated all through high school (for me).
I remember at the visitation walking to see her in the casket and her dad was there, greeting everyone as usual. When I got to him I broke down. It's hard for me to write about now. I loved her so much and still do.
Anyway he basically held me up. I think he was the first adult to give me a hug during that time. My father was absent. My step-father was a drug addict. He showed me what a real man is.
I have two daughters now (4 and 5) and a wife I love dearly. I'll always remember how even though his only daughter was in that casket, for that moment he put that aside and loved me as much as anyone ever had. That memory has served me all through my life of what it means to be a man and servant of God.
Peace and Grace to you.
Keep The Memory Alive
GiphyGrief counciling would be the best bet.
Short of that then remembering the times you shared with your daughter (keeping her memory alive) I find is a helpful part of dealing with it, though everybody is different. It hurts when it is so raw but as time goes on the pain dims and those memories make you smile.
I personally believe the best thing you can do for anybody who leaves your life is to find happiness and remember them.
internet hug
A Couple Of Tips
I'm pretty sure this is too late to get any attention, but all I care about is that you read this, OP. My wife's boyfriend before we met and married was killed in an unexpected altercation. Incidentally, I met her because her boyfriend was the brother of my best friend from high school. I met her about 5 months after he passed, and was able to see the good and the bad with how his family treated her. In addition I have history working as a hospital chaplain and have been with people during the grieving process and I hope I can give some insight.
- Take care of yourself and get your own therapy. My wife worried (and still mentions whenever the topic comes up) about their health a great deal as they really never coped properly. It is like the airplane oxygen masks - take care of yourself first or you will be in no real position to help others. I also believe that spiritual guidance is a very important part of processing tragedy, although some will inevitably disagree. Also, most counselors will tell you that the loss of a child is one of the most emotionally significant loss that can happen. I am touched by your care for your daughter's boyfriend, and please let that wholesome desire to give you energy to help him, but don't let that be a distraction for your own healing.
- Let him cope on his own terms. Offer advice and encouragement, but remember that everyone copes differently. Mistakes will be made, but it is a process. Your encouragement of therapy is a very good idea.
- Don't guilt him to stay near you. This is a big one, and it isn't always intentional. "Misery loves company" is very true. People commiserate over tragedy, and that is very acceptable for a time, but there comes a point where there needs to be a break. Right now, things are still fresh, so I personally believe that your mutual company is very acceptable. As time goes on though, if you see that he sticks around a little too much, it is best in the long run to find yourself occupied if he wants to visit. Subtle encouragement for him to branch out to help move through the pain is crucial - if that becomes an issue...
Maybe Just Give Yourself Some Credit?
GiphyI dont have any advice, but I just wanted to say that: your daughter died and you're worried about how her boyfriend is coping? You're a great person. The fact that this is even on your radar at this moment is a masterpiece of understanding and empathy.
H/T: Reddit
Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.
Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?
But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.
It would be so great to be sure there is something else.
But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.
Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:
"Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"
Sensations
Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy"My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."
PeachesnPain
Recovery
"I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."
"My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."
"It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."
good_golly99
Take Me Back
"Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."
"I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."
rayrayrayray
Free
The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy"I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."
TooReDTooHigh
This is why I hate surgery.
You just never know.
Shocked
Giphy"More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."
Admirable_Buyer6528
The SOB
"Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."
"Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”
1-cupcake-at-a-time
Colors
"My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"
Hannah_LL7
"I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"
huntokarrr
The Fog
"I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."
"I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."
Fluffy-Hotel-5184
Through the Walls
"My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."
"She's quite alive and well today."
Hot-Refrigerator6583
Well let's all be happy to be alive.
It seems to be all we have.
Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.
The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.
Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.
Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:
"People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"
Redditors didn't see these coming.
Shiver Me Timbers
"I’m always cold now!"
– Telrom_1
"I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."
– r7ndom
"140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."
– mr_remy
Drawing Concern
"I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."
– dee-fondy
"Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"
"Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."
– LizardofDeath
Unleashing Insults
"I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”
"It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."
– alanamablamaspama
Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight
"The loose skin is a bit unexpected."
– KeltarCentauri
"I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."
– KatMagic1977
"It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."
– Jaew96
These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.
Shopping
"I can buy clothes in any store I want."
– WaySavvyD
"When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."
– ganache98012
No More Symptoms
"Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."
– colleennicole93
Expanding Capabilities
"I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."
– Ramblonius
People Change Their Tune
"How much nicer people are to you."
"My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"
– LiZZygsu
"Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"
"And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"
– awholedamngarden
It's gonna take some getting used to.
Bones Everywhere
"Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."
– Princess-Pancake-97
"I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."
– bekastrange
Knee Pillow
"Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."
– snic2030
"I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."
– Strongbad23
More Mobility
"I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."
"Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."
– dma1965
People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.
But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.
That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.