Animals are capable of amazing things. Not only do they provide love and companionship, but they also give their humans endless entertainment. The things that these animals are able to do are astounding, and have the ability to make their owners say "WTF?!"
u/murplexia asked: Farmers of reddit, what did your animals do that made you go "how the f**k did you do that"?
They make Plan B for horses?
Worked at a stable with 53 horses and 1 donkey.
One morning, while feeding, I came across an empty stall that hadn't been empty at 11 p.m. the night before. This stall belonged to a huge Fresian x Percheron stallion. The mystery was:
The stall door was completely closed and secure, and I was alone, so no one else would have taken him.
How did this giant horse teleport out of his stall?
Well, we had small feed windows that some of the horses had learned to open with their mouths. This wasn't a big deal as we'd just latch them shut with clips. The openings were big enough for them to stick their heads out, but not really their bodies lol
His was open. So he actually somehow squeezed through the feed window, jumped maybe? I have no idea to this day how it happened...
But it gets better:
I had left all the mares outside overnight. My heart sank when I ran to the pasture and found him chasing/breeding with all the girls, like his own harem. He had a sexy fun night.
It was a rough day having to parade all the mares past his stall to see if they mated, and then calling their owners to tell them their horses needed plan B.
Liquid goats.
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Only have a small hobby farm, not a farmer farmer, but... It's always goats or cows, man. We took on a rehome goat to join our small mob of 5 Arapawa wethers. He needed to be introduced very slowly, because Arapawas are absolute bastards about the pecking order.
We locked him up in a small stall in the goat hut, where the only gap was about 15cm between the roof of the hut and the top of the metal gate. The next morning, the locked gate was still there and the goat was not. Found him joyfully frolicking in the paddock with the others, because goats are a) contrarians and b) liquid.
My favourite "how the f**k" moment was definitely our neighbour's cow. Old mate has been a farmer for 40+ years, and knows his s**t. He raises beef cattle as a side gig, and had selected a few of them for the meatworks. He hadn't had the bull in with any of the girls so none of them were in calf, and calving season was done anyway.
But cows are too smart by half, so one of them decided to drop a calf an hour before the truck showed up to cart everyone off to the abattoir. Having an immaculate conception baby to get out of something you don't wanna do is a pretty boss move. Needless to say, she (and junior) got to stay home that day.
What a smart donkey!
Had a donkey that would open gates. For the horses and cows. Then he'd just walk through the fence into a closed pasture. I'd get back from running errands and the place would be a s**tshow.
The horses would be destroying the hay barn and the cows were in the neighbor's hay fields or tearing up the lawn. And the donkey is off on his own like he had nothing to do with it.
Sneaky goat.
I had a goat that would turn the barn lights off and on at night. No clue why he did it, and he always shut them off after turning them on. We weren't sure exactly WHO was working the light switch, but suspected it was him (he was a fairly bright individual, no pun intended).
It was confirmed that it was indeed Chevy flipping them on/off when we gifted him to a lady who fell in love with him when visiting the farm, and the lights have not been turned on by anything other than a human since.
How did she do that?!
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Grew up with horses. Had this one mare who was TOO smart. She would shove hay/objects under her water spigot and flood the barn if you did not pay enough attention to her. She had 4 locks on her stall because she figured out how to open all of them, including a caribeaner clip. On more than one occasion during the night, she would escape her stall, unlock all the other horses stalls and have a horse party till morning, when there's half a dozen horses in the garden eating the summer vegetables and another half dozen clip-clopping down the road, confusing motorists.
Edit: wow, did not expect all the upvotes and love! thank you so much everybody!
More backstory - She is very much still alive and kicking at age 21, and has long since retired in her very own field with her best horsey friend in a very sunny climate and spends 90% of her time outdoors.
Fun tidbit: she may be old, but still occasionally escapes, but now it is from her field, and what does she do? She goes to the barn, finds her favorite stall, closes the door behind her, and makes all kinds of noises until she is given grain.
Another very talented goat.
I grew up on a farm. One year we had goats that were constantly getting out of the pen, which had a 6' fence. My dad built it up to 10', and an hour later they were out again. He puts up army netting over the top of the whole enclosure, looks out the window half an hour later, and a goat is walking along the top of the fence like it's no big deal.
They didn't think this through.
Cow on the roof. They climb ladders sometimes but can't get down.
Born and raised in Nebraska and I learned they can climb ladders just a couple years ago when a friend kept ending up with one of hers on her garage. It still kind of blows my mind.
Cattle-proofing is apparently a thing.
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A mob of yearlings somehow carried an old tractor cab (no longer attached to the tractor obviously) 1/4 mile across a paddock. It was heavy enough we had to use the loader to put it back again.
Also a steer wearing an old tyre like a necklace. He could have shaken it off at anytime, but he chose not to.
Cattle-proofing your yard is harder than it first appears.
Bad kitty.
I saw a barn cat successfully take down and kill a wild turkey.
To this day, I still can't believe my own eyes.
Weird barncat story, go!
My grandpa "had" a barncat named Mickey, who would attack anything or anyone who got too close. My grandpa would tell us whenever we visited not to get near it. "That's not a pet, it's a mousetrap."
I was 6-7 and accidentally walked too close to it and it went full-batshit-throttle. Darted right at me. I had never been so scared in my life....and then my mama-bear mom intercepted it.
We didn't see him for a couple days. Mom was worried she'd actually killed him. But luckily(?), he shows back up, mean as ever....
...except to my mom.
He would walk right up to her and morph into the sweetest little guy you've ever met. When we'd have fires outside each night, he'd stroll in, hiss at everyone, then lay down on my mom's lap. Taking a hike? He followed her. Drive to the market? Guess who would be waiting in the dirt driveway.
We found her reading on the hammock one afternoon, with Mickey right on top of her. Fast asleep.
Mickey died before our next visit. But my grandpa loved telling that story: "The noble savage finally made a friend."
That's some dedication.
Grew up on a farm. We had a ram, of the big curly horns variety. You don't want lambs to be born midwinter when conditions are harsh and feed is short, so you keep the ram away from the ewes except when the timing is right.
This ram could smell ewes in heat, on the other side of a very sturdy door made entirely from 2x4 and held by heavy-duty hinges. Deadbolted, of course.
He spent several days and nights repeatedly headbutting that door, just running at it full tilt every few seconds. One morning we found a broken door, and a very happy ram amongst exhausted ewes who could barely stand on their feet.
A literal battering ram.
War Face GIF
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Apparently, their sense of humor has no bounds. Curious to hear from drill sergeants online, Redditor darkstalker1000 asked:
"Drill instructors, what is the funniest thing you have seen a Private do?"
The following examples were utterly humiliating, but valuable lessons were learned.
Longheld Punishment
"Had 2 guys get in a fight in our bay during basic. The drill sergeant made them hold hands and pretending to be on a date all week. Only time they could let go of each other's hands was rack time. They ended up becoming pretty good friends."
Confusing Paycheck
"Ex British Army officer here."
"A corporal went on a nine week mortar course and was accommodated (obviously) while he was away. It turned out he knew one of the DS teaching the course and was invited, regularly, to dine and drink in the Sergeant's Mess."
"The month after coming back from the course, he brought his payslip to me with a puzzled look on his face and, embarrassed, explained he didn't understand what it meant and could I help him?"
"It emerged that the Sergeant's Mess had a chitty system - you didn't pay for your drinks at the time, but signed for them and the total bill was deducted from your pay."
"This legend had managed to drink more than his monthly salary both months he'd been away and his payslip was a negative balance."
"I'm sorry Smith, I'm afraid you owe the Army £235 ($327.50) this month."
Asking For An Advance
"Former European Anti-Air Trainee here."
"Recruit spent his first check on alcohol and sex workers, asked his commander for next months check in advance the next day. Instead of having a good excuse prepared to actually succeed in that proposal he blankly told him in front of 80 other recruits why he'd need it."
Eye-Level Reprimand
"I saw a guy post about how he was like 6'3 and his DS was like 5'2, so whenever he messed up the DS would go up to him face to chest and yell 'Elevator!' and the guy would bend down to eye level with the DS and say 'Ding!' and the DS would proceed to look him in the eye while he chewed him out."
Some experiences were downright hilarious.
The Stain
"Not an RDC, but in boot camp I was over the laundry crew. One recruit sh*t himself because he thought he couldn't leave his rack after taps. It was funny at the moment before I realized I had to wash it."
– ScootaFL
Ambush Training
"This was the funniest f'king thing I ever read from u/odomotto"
"Recruit fired all his blank ammo during 'ambush training.' He crawled in ditch opposite where the aggressors were, and started throwing rocks at them. DI came running in middle of the road blowing his whistle and screaming 'what the f'k are you doing?' Recruit screamed back, 'throwing hand grenades drill sergeant!' Without missing a beat, the DI screamed 'out f'king standing.' And walked away."
"My sides hurt and I was wheezing laughing so hard at this when I first heard it!"
These punishments made no sense. And that's why they're memorable.
The Replacement
"When I was in basic, a kid we called 'Albino' shot off a blank round accidentally in the field. The sergeants were pissed and took his weapon away and replaced it with a broomstick for the remainder of the week in the field."
"Man I remember some dude didn't put the sheet on his bunk the right way and had to wear the sheet as a cloak and go to all the other barracks dancing around sing about how he was the 'Catch Edge Fairy' or something. It was pretty silly, he owned it though. He was doing twirls the whole time. This was Navy bootcamp."
– Konebred
Despite how they are depicted on film, drill instructors are people who care.
Like, Beals – a drill sergeant at Fort Knox, Kentucky – who said:
"We provide more than just physical, mental and emotional guidance for them. You are a father, a preacher, a financial advisor, a counselor-you provide so many different services to the Soldier that the regular public doesn't see on day to day basis."
"They see what they see in movies and what they hear about by word of mouth. But you are fulfilling so many roles other than just being a trainer and teaching an individual how to be a Soldier in the Army."
And occasionally, they are having a laugh at the crazy things their trainees do.