We lose each other over the most materialistic things when in reality its each other we should be taking care of. And here we are-two sisters losing each other over family heirlooms.
u/outerbanks2114 told the sad tale:
My mom (60) gave three family heirlooms (rings) to my sister (29) and nothing to me (32). Feeling left out of some family memories and not sure if it's worth bringing up
I have one sibling -- a younger sister (29). For years, my sister struggled with school and in her personal life, and in a (what I believe) was a misguided attempt to help, my parents babied her big time. They moved her into an apartment while she was in school and paid her rent/expenses. Meanwhile, I couldn't move out until I was 22 and could afford rent/all my expenses on my own or with roommates. Today I have a good job, and although I'm not well off by any stretch, I'm doing pretty good for myself.
My sister finished school last year and now also has a good job. One that if she really applies herself, she could make more than I do. However, I recently learned something and I'm not sure how to feel about it.
For years, my mom always said that Sarah would get my great-grandmother's engagement ring. This thing is a serious rock. It's beautiful, with several huge diamonds. Fine by me -- It's not quite my style and my mom said that she believed the "types of guys" my sister dated would never be able to give her anything like it. I always thought that the latter was a weird reason (and a big assumption) but the former reason making sense -- It's maybe not something I'd appreciate as much as she would).
Fine, totally fine. However, now, I was at my sister's last week and she ended up showing me two more rings -- one from the same grandmother, and another from our other grandmother -- that my mother also gave to her. Now, one of those rings I always loved -- it's more of a vintage-looking band and I always assumed it was probably costume jewelry, but my sister told me she had it appraised just to see, and it's actually very much a real gold band with real diamonds. The other ring is a gold band my other grandmother used to always wear. That one is a little strange to me that my mother would have given it away, as it was her mother's and the only thing she had of her mother's (one of my aunts wiped out my grandmother's place when she died).
I really don't know how to feel here. The not-as-important factor here is the fact that my sister now has or will every valuable family heirloom from both our grandmothers, and the main factor is that my mother seems to have left me out of all of these discussions/isn't setting any heirlooms aside for me. I don't know how to bring it up to her either, because she's super sensitive/nonconfrontational and will either try immediately to say she didn't mean Sarah could keep them forever/she didn't mean to/Sarah just asked for them so she didn't know what to do/I'm so independent and Sarah is not so she'll never be able to buy something like that for herself. IDK…I feel kind of hurt, but also like maybe I'll need to just let it go. Thoughts? Should I try to bring up? I really would hate if my mom thought I was fishing for valuables or something.
TLDR: Found out my mom gave my sister two valuable rings/family heirlooms and has another set aside for her for down the road. To my knowledge, there isn't anything set aside for me and I feel like I've been left out of having any piece of family memories. Should I let it go or bring it up to my very sensitive mother?
Here is some of the advice she was given.
This is actually something I would bring up with mom if this was something that has hurt your feelings.
It genuinely with heirlooms is not always all about the money.
It feels off to me that the split of three heirloom family rings was Sarah 3 OP 0.
So....I reread your post after reading the critical first comment, and I disagree with that first comment. You sound hurt over years of feeling like your parents (esp your mother?) Love your sister more.
I know exactly how this feels. I won't go into my 'story' because this isn't about me, but I too have a little sister with whom my parents have an entirely different relationship and expectations. This hurts so much.
That being said, I understand your hurt. I think it is legitimate hurt. I would ask: can you talk to your mother (because I think letting it go will just foster further hurt and resentment) without bringing up all your other hurts regarding her relationship with your sister? I ask this because any time I have tried to approach my parents on this type of thing, they insist I am 'hanging onto the past' and they don't actually end up hearing what I am saying.
Maybe write a letter. Explain how you would have liked the one you loved. It's done now, but I think expressing your feelings on the subject will help you move on from this. I am so sorry OP. This is tough.
It always sucks to feel like the "secondary" child. But there are only really two choices with this: confront your parents, or let it go. She has the rings, your mom made that choice. You can talk about it with her, which might not do much. Or you can just take a deep breath and move on.
It seems like there's a little bit of resentment towards your family's favoritism with Sarah, which is totally normal. I know friends who have similar situations. Therapy helped them a lot. Maybe look into it?
Of course you're miffed about it, and it doesn't matter if it's because of memories or money or a mixture of both. Sadly your little sister is the golden child and you will probably always come second for things involving money.
I would outright say how hurt you are that she's either given your sister the rings or not put up a fight when your sister claimed them. Let her say all the things you think she will and then just tell het again that you're hurt. Don't let her derail the conversation by saying it and just keep telling her she has hurt you and that it's up to her to fix it.
Without being confrontational so your mom goes down all those avoidance rabbit holes, could you just say, "I noticed Sarah has several of grandmother's beautiful rings, and I would love to have some heirlooms too because I loved Grandmother very much. What are your plans for xyz items?" (About ones you would actually want, if there are any.) I don't think that's weirdly fishing for "valuables" or anything -- they are mementos of a loved one, and if you want one, you should say so.
Let me ask you something. Have you ever in the past pointed out to your mother that something she did was wrong or unfair, and had her take you seriously and not lash out? Even a small thing.
I ask this because if my mother did something like this, there would never, ever, ever be a good way or a right moment to talk to her about it. She's incapable of handling criticism. I suspect a mother who shows favoritism like yours does is going to fall on that side of the criticism spectrum. But that's not how healthy people act, and maybe your mom deserves more credit than I've given her.
So. If she's a reasonable person who will listen to what you have to say: talk to her. If she's not: don't. Accept that things are going to be unfair, and stop looking there for care or fairness.
Speak up, OP. Tell your mom you want one of the rings and be specify which one.
When your mom said, "Keep them," that could have been an unspecific request for your sister to hold onto them, not that she actually gets them.
I have two daughters and let me tell you, my younger kid is an attention hog. Any parent that tells you their kids get equal attention is LYING to themselves and everyone else. The squeaky wheel gets the immediate grease and then you make it up to the other one later.
Be the sqeuaky wheel and get what you want.
Could you ask your mom offhand when you see her next if you could see your grandmas gold band? Then your mom would have a chance to explain without feeling like it's a confrontation that she gave them all to your sister (and potentially why).
Then you could bring up how you're a little hurt because you always pictured using one for your wedding/passing down to your kids, etc. It might just gently show her that you're feeling left out of the heirlooms? Just an idea!
God these things suck, don't they? It comes across to so many people that you're greedy and it's about material objects, when actually there's a genuine deep pain that your Mother seems to indicate she cares for and loves your sister more. And it f***ing sucks.
I struggle with this too. God, do I struggle. I have 4 siblings. My parents have helped out 3/5 them for significant portions of their adult lives, and the fourth she just seems to keep handing off thousands of dollars to in the form of cars and rings. My Mom handed off a 15k ring to one brother for an engagement ring with nary a word to us. She bought him a car. She bought the other boy 2 cars. She's half-supported both my sisters for years.
In contrast, she was mad at me for YEARS for not taking on the ParentPlus loans she told me she'd pay off by herself (in exchange for me going to grad school when I didn't want to; combined with a threat she'd throw me out of the house unless I went---fascinating considering how many years of free rent the rest of my siblings got).
Whenever I bring any of this up, I'm told how competent, capable, and strong I am. No one has to worry about me. I make great money. Mom keeps trying to wheedle promises out of me that I make x amount of money I'll give her y.
It hurts. Right? It f***ing hurts. Because it isn't money. It's care, attention, thought, and the giving of something precious to them to the next generation. It could be a goddamn teddy bear she'd loved her entire life and I'd be upset.
Most likely she doesn't even realize she's doing these hurtful things. Share how you're feeling with her if you think it'll be productive. Sometimes that works for my Mom if there's no actual action on her end. Like last week when she send out an email saying she'd call some of us (she's overseas) soon, specifically Child A and Child B and Child C (don't know what the other kid did to get left out this time). And the lovely time she listed all the people she missed in an email and it was everyone BUT me. She apologized when I mentioned I'd prefer NOT to receive emails that explicitly make it clear I'm not a priority.
But when it comes to things with monetary value? Omg. You'd think I was some goddamn leach wanting to bleed her dry, greedy to my core and selfish for ever holding it against my siblings that they got something I didn't. It's exhausting. And when it comes to these things, in my experience, you gotta go to therapy and just try to NOT CARE. Whenever she does something thoughtless like this repeat to yourself the facts about her that prove she loves you.
For me, I remind myself that when I truly need her, when I need her time or her attention, she is there. Always. And despite all this money being thrown around to seemingly everyone but me, despite the emails that clearly show she isn't even prioritizing me the same way, despite SENDING me the damn emails...despite all that, she must love me.
Jeeze, just tearing up thinking about it. It's hard.
All the reasons you gave for favoritism/extra help is inexcusable imo. You are also a daughter. It really depends on your goal, do you want to salvage/ improve your relationship with your mother? Any complaint will just make you look pretty or jealous. Your mom sucks for putting you in this situation. Our personalities and values probably differ, but if I was in your shoes, I'd reciprocate fairly based on the amount of love/help/teachings they provided me during but up bringing. But like someone else started, let your sister change the diapers since she gets the priority in your mother's eyes.
With so many streaming platforms and too many recommendations to watch your friends' favorite shows, how do you prioritize what shows to watch?
Those who can afford to sit in front of the TV all day–because that is the commitment it takes to start making a dent in your viewing playlist–must choose wisely in determining which shows to start binging.
If a show fails to grab your attention from the get go, you might be prone to ditch it and go on to the next one on the list.
The risk of course is you might be missing out on something that is worth sitting through the slow-burn, exposition-y episodes of a show that is trying to establish itself at the beginning but becomes wildly rewarding towards the end.
But who has time for all that?
Apparently, there were many TV show viewers whose patience ran thin.
To find out what shows strangers online thought was not worth their time, Redditor itsamu asked:
"What TV series isn't worth finishing?"
You would think fantasy and action shows can sustain your attention, but they're not all created the same.
Not Having The Time For This One
"Once upon a time. It literally repeats the entire first season’s plot."
"I'm the fastest man alive. Except for the main villain of this season. And the random guy I'm chasing who escaped around the corner of the building, despite the fact I can search an entire square mile in under a minute. Nah, he's gone, no need to check."
One Strong Season
"Heroes. Watch the first season, and then stop."
Can't Kill What's Already Dead
"The walking dead, gave up a while ago. Don't even know if it has finished or not yet."
The Outlook Was Already...
"Grimm. Started off so good, just got worse and worse and worse."
Getting Straight To The Point
"Arrow. It ends at season 2, ya hear me? SEASON TWO!"
Many Redditors recommended cutting the length of a TV season by half.
Wrap It Up
"We really should have more limited series. Some shows have premises that are good for a season or two that get ruined by dragging it out for multiple seasons."
The Brits Get It
"Watch more British shows. Fewer episodes generally so they don’t as often run out of ideas or go off the rails. Fleabag for example, two perfect seasons and done."
Even people who enjoy the pacing of dramas found some in the genre quite tedious.
That Final Season
"House of cards. Just stop watching on the last episode of the penultimate season and pretend the last one is still in the works. The last season is insulting on so many levels."
You Gotta Be Toking
"Weeds. Good for the first three seasons or so. Really f'king comes off the rails after that."
They May Have A Case Here
"Suits. It becomes very repetitive after a while."
"Worst Finale Ever"
"The last couple seasons of Castle were garbage. The finale was the worst finale in the history of finales. Yes even worst than GoT and HIMYM. Such a disgrace for a show that used to be cute, fun and sharply written. I can’t even bring myself to watch marathons when they are on and it was one of my favorite shows when it first started."
I'm probably in the minority here but I had to give up on Game of Thrones by the end of its first season.
I think I was expecting more fantasy and dragons straight away, but as I waited for more action, I found myself losing interest in the characters and patience in keeping track of who was related to whom.
So I put a pin in it and started watching other shows.
When I heard about fans complaining about the letdown of an ending, that was enough for me to remove it from my list permanently.
Hey, to each their own.
There is little more fascinating than learning about popular customs and traditions in foreign countries.
This can include trademark foods and dishes, styles of clothing, as well as country specific holidays and traditions.
But as fascinating as these are to foreigners, locals are often less than impressed by their iconic homegrown brands and traditions.
In fact, the very mention of them might result in yawn or an eye-roll.
"What is something popular in your country that you absolutely don't have interest in?"
Why Not Let It Be A Surprise?
"Gender reveal party."- SuvenPan
Fascinating, But Inhumane?
"Bull fighting"- Mrfister7377Season 2 Episode 1 Spain GIF by National Geographic ChannelGiphy
There Is Better Coffee In Canada
"Tim Hortons."- dearest-ribwich
Unless Being Coached By Ted Lasso...
"I tag along to matches with a mate from time to time but it really is like the scene out of the IT Crowd."- Philster07
Just How Real Is It?
"Reality TV shows."- silviazbitchangry mtv GIF by HacklockGiphy
Big Money, Big Money... Just Not Mine...
"Everybody uses slot machines but it's not my thing."- runaway_train35
Hot Cocoa In The Lodge Will Do...
"I know how to do it, I've done a lot of it, but no thanks."- RuggiardSaturday Night Live Nbc GIF by HULUGiphy
Not Always Indicative Of Domestic Happiness...
"Marriages that are full of spectacle, instagram stories and tons of people."
"I don't even care about marriage that much, but when I do, I want it to be just with the people I actually care about."
"I don't want to give a show."- RoguishBaron
It's easy to see how something commonplace in one country might not elicit the same level of fascination to locals as it does foreigners.
Though based on the selections above, it's fascinating to note how many pet peeves seem to be universal.
Proving that though oceans and mountains may divide us, we're not so different after all.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way.
Something all too easily forgotten in this world of unrealistic, not to mention unhealthy, standards regarding beauty and physical appearance.
Making it all the more upsetting that there are still people in this world who actually feel the need to call people "ugly" right to their faces.
Luckily, those on the receiving end of that unnecessary bullying often have enough self-worth that they have just the right response should such an unfortunate situation arise.
"What's the best answer to being called ugly ?"
Always Rely On The Classics
"Classic Cyrano de Bergerac: 'I give you this to work with, and that's the best insult you can come up with?'"- Terpsichorean_Wombat
You Must Know This From Experience
‘"Hopefully that’s all we have in common.’"- Annoying_pain_in_a**
That The Best You Can Do!
"I've been called worse things from better people."- That-End-322Unimpressed Viola Davis GIFGiphy
The Bar Is Certainly Low
"'And even I wouldn't f*ck you'."- elenchusis
Blessing In Disguise... Or Just A Blessing!
"I once had a guy tell me that he would find me attractive if I wasn’t fat."
"I basically went 'whew! Good thing I’m fat!'”- Low-Stick6746
“'Thanks, its a relief to know that someone like you doesn't find me attractive'”- greedthecuriousReassuring Jimmy Fallon GIF by The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy FallonGiphy
You Think You're The First?!
"If I had a dollar for every time someone called me ugly, you'd think I was handsome."- GreyFoxNinjaFan
Not Afraid To Bring Your Mother Into This!
"I've got a face only a mother would love, and your mother loves me very much!"- fenris_dallocort
Learn From The Greats
"A quote from Lincoln after he was called 2 faced:"
"'If I was two faced, do you think I would choose this one to wear?'"- Layer-Motorabraham lincoln net art GIFGiphy
Tell Me Something I Don't Know...
"Just go 'and?' and look at them all confused as if they just pointed out something irrelevant about you, like the color of your hair."
"People really break when you give them an anticlimactic reaction."- Particular_Fudge4856
It's sad to think that people have nothing better to do than to make demeaning comments about others.
Making them all the more deserving of all the clap-backs listed above.
Plus many, many more.
There are just some things children do not need to know.
When you are a parent, you know that the walls have ears.
So try to keep it that in mind when discussing seriously private matters.
RedditoriLuvDILFSSSSwanted everyone to spill some tea on their parents.
"What is something you know about your parents that you shouldn’t know?"
I've blocked all of my parents secrets. I hope.
Oh Babyjamal lyon love GIF by Empire FOXGiphy
"As a kid I saw an old family tree that showed my mom had 3 babies (all different dads) whom she gave up for adoption before meeting my dad. I didn’t say s**t and she didn’t admit it to me until about 10 years afterwards."
"As a teenager I moved in with my mom after not living with her for most of my life and fighting to be a part of hers. One night I heard her and my step dad talking about how the only reason they let me live there was for the tax credits and child support."
"Okay that's just messed no kid should have to hear that from their own parent."
"My mom didn't marry my dad because she was in love with him, she chose him when the man she was in love with told her he couldn't marry a woman who already had another man's child and my dad had no problem with stepkids. She did eventually fall in love with him for what it's worth."
"My mother and stepfather were the direct cause of my little sister’s death due to physical abuse. She had a shunt in her brain and due to the impact of a few hard slaps to the face, it shifted and forced her to choke and die. My other little sister and I are the only ones that know."
"I’ve chatted with CPS and DCF and without additional proof, there are doubts that anything can be done since her death was listed as 'natural causes' and neither of us said anything at the time to any authority figures. It’s been almost five years and I never stop thinking about it."
Mistakeswatching warren harding GIFGiphy
"That they definitely should have married other people."
Love and marriage. What a story.
Gone and BackHeidi Klum Wow GIF by LifetimeGiphy
"As a young kid I overheard my parents screaming in another room about what age I was when my dad left us. Mom said 3 months. Dad said 3 years. I didn’t know he left at all. At least he came back?"
"My mother and father had a deal that my father would get a job, so my mom could finish college, and then my mom would get a job, so my dad could finish college. My father did his part and when it was his time to go back to college, my mom and all her family humiliated him into going back to work. My brother and I are not supposed to know this, we were too young, but I know."
"My parents escaped from Iraq during the worst period of the Saddam regime. As a kid, you don’t know what a war refugee is. I used to think my father worked at the welfare office. I found out years later that my father was going there for PTSD therapy. Having found his papers, I learned my father was tortured in prison for helping his students escape the country, and that the reason why he’s always limping wasn’t because of something genetic."
"But because they smashed his knee with a hammer, and locked him in a dark room for days with no medical help, destroying his career as an athlete and professor of physical fitness. My parents never ever ever talked about the stuff they went through. We grew up thinking we were a perfectly normal family."
"Well, for the first 16 years of my life I thought that my father had died in an accident. Turns out he just didn't care about me and my mom was trying to make 4yr old me feel better because she didn't want me to think it was my fault. It really f**ked with me when I found out at 16 that my biological father was still out there somewhere."
Not so Happy JuiceFrustrated Gecko GIFGiphy
"When I moved to Colorado with my mom i convinced her to smoke some weed with me. She giggled a lot, laughed at cartoons with me, demanded magic shell with her ice cream and then proceeded to tell me my father was a gay man who cheated on her multiple times with men during their marriage, including while she was pregnant with me."
Well, those are certainly some confessions. My goodness...
Do you have similar experiences to share? Let us know in the comments.