The only thing more satisfying than wiping the smirk off the face of some mean girl, mansplainer, or smarmy smarty pants is reading about it. And although some say revenge is a dish best-served cold, these Quora clap backs are comin’ in very hot. In fact, you may want to pop an Ozempic before diving into all of this sweet, sweet revenge.
Unwarrantedman in grey crew-neck t-shirt smiling to woman on counter Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash
This happened a few years ago when my wife and I were buying an iPad for our teenage daughter. We went to a UK computer chain called “iStore”. They aren’t part of Apple, they just picked a name that made it obvious what they specialized in. My daughter and wife had picked out the model and a case and headed to the register.
The idiot at the register, however, decided that what iStore really needed was the revenue from an extra warranty. My wife told him, “No, thanks”. He persisted and again, she said, “No, thanks”. I was standing pretty far away from them—very much NOT at the till with them. Then the sales guy turned to me, and said, “Are you sure she doesn’t need an extended warranty”? I wasn't having any of it.
I ignored him and turned to my wife. “Do you want to go? We can just buy it on Amazon”. My wife agreed with me. The sales guy looked at me open-mouthed, and I said, “You’ve lost the sale. She was the customer”. I can only hope that he learned about assuming that the woman could be overruled that day.
Right Back At Ya
It was my freshman year of high school and my parents had recently divorced. My mom, siblings, and I moved to a small town in upstate Pennsylvania. It was difficult enough dealing with family dynamics, let alone moving to a new town. During my first week at my new high school, I was trying to find my way around the school and get familiar with the teachers.
Most of the kids there had known one other for years. They had grown up together. I was an outsider with a weird accent and a different style. Some kids were very kind and welcoming. Others were cruel, unkind, and very stuck-up. In English class, I just so happened to sit in front of a girl who was one of the stuck-up kind.
The teacher asked me to introduce myself and share where I was from. So, I did. After I finished, we were told that there would be a pop quiz. The teacher asked me to take it so she could gauge my skills. As the teacher was handing out the quiz papers, the girl sitting behind me tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around to look at her.
She leaned in and said with a smirk, “Special ed is down the hall”. I just looked at her for a second, blinked, and then turned around. I was slightly irritated. This girl had no idea who I was, and yet she had already made up her mind about who I was…and wasn’t. Yep, I was fully irritated at that point. I filled out the quiz and handed it in for immediate grading.
As the teacher handed all the quizzes back she said, “There was only one student in the whole class who got a 100% on the quiz. Do you want to know who that is? It’s the new student”. She looked at me and said, “Congratulations! If only everyone else would do that well on the next quiz”. I turned around and looked at the girl behind me.
I gave her a big smile and said, “Remember, special ed is down the hall”. The smirk on her face disappeared in a flash. She didn’t say a word.
I met this guy at a party who thought he was really special because was a corporate lawyer. When he asked me what I did for a living, I told him that I was a computer programmer. “Oh yeah”, he said with a sneer. I could tell he was about to try me. “You’re one of those guys who take perfectly clear requests and turn them into some obscure language that only other people in your profession understand”. “That’s right”, I replied. “Just like a corporate lawyer”.
A Truth-Or-Dare Tipwoman in gray crew neck t-shirt standing beside woman in black and gray long sleeve Photo by Adam Winger on Unsplash
A few months ago, I was at a sleepover with some of my friends and we decided to play truth or dare. I didn’t exactly get along with one of the girls there—let’s call her “M”. Anyway, I chose “dare” and M decided to dare me to jump out of the window. This was especially cruel of her because she knew I had a friend who ended her life that way.
I jumped out of the ground floor window and then it was M’s turn. She also chose to dare. I dared her to go home— and her next move took me by surprise. She did go home. It was absolutely, hands down the best feeling in the world to see that petty smirk get wiped off her face. She couldn’t exactly refuse because the other girls, who were also angry about the window dare, peer pressured her into leaving.
You’re Not The Boss Of Me
I had the unfortunate experience of coming face-to-face with my old school tormentor at, of all places, work. We had gone to school together all the way from kindergarten to graduation. I was dismayed to learn that he had just been hired as an entry-level shipping clerk and was leaving the HR office on his way back out to the warehouse.
He proceeded to tell me how wonderful his life was, how successful he was, how much money he had, and so on. He then asked me in a very snide way: “So what have you done with your life”? Like I had accomplished nothing in the 10 years since we last saw each other in high school. My simple reply: “Well, you are standing in my office, please shut the door on your way out.”
I’m not normally one to pull rank on someone, but this guy deserved it. The look on his face was priceless, and, yes, he did shut the door on his way out.
Respect The Hustle
I was 21 and my younger brother Kenneth was 11. It was a Friday, and I took him to the lake because I was off work. At about 12:30, we went to a burger place to get some lunch. They had one pool table there, and Kenneth was watching four college kids play. Back then it was 25 cents to play and they were playing for a dollar a game and the challenger paid for the game.
My brother said, “Gimme a buck and a quarter”. All right, sure. I had an idea of what was coming. He walked over and said he wanted to play. The guy who had won the last game said he didn’t want to take a kid’s money, so I said, “It’s my money. Don’t worry about it, just let him have a game”. OK. There were four guys, about 20, shaking their heads and grinning.
Kenneth breaks hard and sinks a ball. He ran four more after that and then barely missed a bank shot. Those guys’ grins were gone. The other guy took his shot, missed, and then Kenneth ran the rest of the table. It was hilarious. Now all those guys were drinking and laughing every time he sunk a tough shot—saying things like, “No way”! and “Jeezus Christ!”
Kenneth picked up the two bucks and said, “Anybody wants to play”? They all did. One after another, they all lost, along with the waiter and two more guys who came in. We were there for hours. He made about twenty bucks. It was the funniest buck and a quarter I ever spent. The kid had been standing on a box and playing pool in our garage since he was four.
And Not A Moment Too Soonwoman in white spaghetti strap top standing on the seashore Photo by Ryan Moreno on Unsplash
One day my first husband had his friends over and was trying to be the big man by poking fun at me and generally being a jerk. His friends were asking why I didn’t have much in the flat and he said that I only cared about my clothes. Then came the fat jokes followed by orders to feed him and his mates. One of his friends tried to shut him up by telling him he shouldn’t speak to me or anyone like that. His reaction was blood-boiling.
He just laughed it off. Another friend tried warning him by saying that if I left my husband would be in trouble because I had the money. As I walked into the room, my husband looked at me and said, “Nah, she won’t leave me, she loves me too much, don’t ya”? I replied, “Actually, Paul, I filed for divorce a week ago and since you won’t leave, I will”.
He didn’t know I’d already packed a suitcase. Just like that, I left, but not before enjoying seeing him sit there with his mouth open wide like a basking shark, but nowhere near as cute or intelligent.
Put Up Your Dukes
I’m a boxer, and this one time the kid I was supposed to be fighting came to my changing room and told me that he’d stab me if I won our match. He was a little taller than me but he was VERY skinny and I’m quite toned. When we touched gloves he had a huge smirk and looked oh so very confident. We walked out on the first bell and had a pretty even round.
After the second bell, he boldly stormed out and straight into my body shot— and he COLLAPSED. He went into the neutral corner and promptly threw up everywhere. Needless to say, he didn’t stab me and I never had to see his indulgent smirk ever again.
Horrifying Teachable Moment
When I was a cop, I worked in CSI but I was also part of the special victims unit. One of my frequent assignments was to go talk to community college classes about serious offenses. Invariably as I began, there would always be a few males leaning back in their chairs and smirking. I started by quietly discussing a recent atrocity in our town…
A woman had been in the hall putting clothes in the washer when she had been jumped. The aftermath was appalling —the assailant used a blade to pierce her more than 70 times. The medical examiner and I tried to count the wounds by laying a sheet of paper over the body and marking each one. But in some places, they ran together. She had tried to crawl down the hall to her bedroom, trying to reach the phone.
The assailant followed her down the hall and watched her perish. As I was speaking, the young men would slowly sit up straight, the smirks would leave their faces, and they would pay close attention to the rest of my talk.
Touchétwo men talking Photo by LinkedIn Sales Solutions on Unsplash
I was with my friend and our respective partners, discussing wedding plans. Since we were good mates, it went without saying that we would be each other’s best man. At least until my friend’s other half took us by surprise: “Can you even be the best man? Isn’t the best man supposed to be single”? To which I replied, “I don’t know. Isn’t the bride supposed to be a virgin”?
Do You Know Who I Am?
I am an old, 60-plus white lady, and I don’t really look the part for some of my pastimes. One time I went to an opera that featured whirling dervishes as part of the performance. During the intermission, I was commenting on the form of some of the whirlers and the finer points of whirling to my companion. A man standing nearby must have been listening.
After eavesdropping for a while, he turned to me and said rather snarkily: “Oh, because you’re such an expert on whirling”? I calmly replied, “Well, kind of, since I’m their teacher and I trained them”. The look of surprise on his face was priceless. I enjoyed watching him whirl around and quickly scamper away without another word!
I was working the register on a very busy Saturday. There was a constant flow of customers, but this wasn’t my first rodeo. I’m especially good at making change. I rang up a customer and gave her the total. She pulled out $50 and began digging in her purse for coins. I rang up the next customer, took their payment, and was about to start on the third customer.
I was watching customer number one, as she dug for change. She then put her $50 back in her wallet and stood there expectantly with her 15 cents, waiting for her change on the $50. I patiently explained that I still needed the $50. I had seen her put the cash back in her wallet and so had my co-worker who was standing beside me. This customer is now holding up the line.
Her husband came to see what the holdup was. She told him, “I gave her $50, but she doesn’t remember taking it”. Of course, she said this loud enough for the 20 people waiting in line to hear. Now I point to the camera that is watching my every move. She smugly asks to review the footage—a request she'd soon regret. I took her $50, and she can’t wait to prove it.
The owner came down to talk to her and review the footage. The customer was indeed wrong and got back in line to pay. She couldn’t look me in the eye. “I guess I was wrong”, she said. That was her apology. I took her money and told her to have a nice day. I’m good at three things. Being a mother, standing my ground, and not taking flak when I know I’m right.
Pitch Perfecttwo people playing Sony PS4 game console Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash
I was at the mall with a friend and as we got to the food court, I noticed that there were two small TVs where people were lining up to play FIFA 20. While my friend was ordering food, I decided to play seeing as it had been a while. I left her and went over. There were only guys in line and they all gave me the most annoying look. One of them asked, “You wanna play”?
I said that I did and he responded, “Aw, that’s cute. You’ll play next”. When my turn came, I beat him. Now, I’m not good at FIFA. I just happen to have brothers who ARE good. They are so good that when I play against other people, I feel like a legend because I’ve played with the best. I can literally count the number of times I’ve beat my brothers in any match, on one hand.
The guy I beat went off about how he’d gone easy on me because I was a girl. He had a lot of excuses. I didn’t care though. Then the next guy came—and he was something else. He was so arrogant. He started making those chauvinistic comments about how I might be cute, but he was going to “show me how the game is played”. By halftime, I was leading with a score of 1–0. The match ended at 2–1. I won.
He was a sore loser and he asked for a rematch but I had to leave so we agreed we’d only play the first half. By the time it was halftime, I was sitting on a score of 2–0. I beat him. Twice. He was so embarrassed and I may have been a bit smug about it. When I left, I was tempted to say something about the final score being cute, but I decided to let it go.
Very Mean Girl
As a teen, I remember being out of class for a parent, student, and teacher meeting to discuss my progress. When I returned to class, I noticed that the girl I was sitting next to was smirking. Before I could sit back down, she said, “Can you go get me some coloring pencils”? I said no as I found her behavior suspicious.
She sighed and got up. I pulled out my chair and I saw it was COVERED in glue. So I switched the chairs and sat down. She returned and sat down while looking at me laughing. I decided to play dumb. “What’s so funny”? I asked completely poker-faced. “I glued your chair”! She could hardly get out her words because she was laughing so hard.
I smirked and laughed with her and said, ”I’ve just swapped it with yours”! I was really trying not to laugh. Her face fell. It was absolutely priceless! She soon changed her tune and refused to speak to me for the rest of the class.
Drive-Thru Rain Man
I hit the drive-thru late one night after school and handed the cashier a $20 for my $6 meal. She handed me $4 and closed her window, expecting me to move on. But I didn’t. I knocked on the window, ignoring the honking behind me, until she opened it and asked me what was wrong. I said in an even tone, “The change should be $14, not $4”.
She told me that I gave her a $10 bill and was fairly adamant about it. When she began to close her window, I asked if I could speak to her manager. It was late and it was possible that I could have handed her a $10 rather than a $20, but I have a habit that I’ve fallen into because of a similar situation. I now memorize the serial numbers on large bills before I hand them over…
The manager listened to my request for the extra $10, looked at the receipt, and then pointed out that the girl had put in $10 as the money was submitted. The girl is looking annoyed and has the classic “I told you so” look on her face. I asked the manager to look at the top $20 bill in her drawer and proceeded to recite the serial number.
The cashier’s face was stuck in shock and awe when the manager asked me to do that again and I repeated the numbers for her. I was given my correct change and an apology before driving on to the next window for my meal.
A Daughter-In-Law Strikes Backwoman lying on sofa Photo by Inside Weather on Unsplash
My mother-in-law is a well-practiced shrew. I wear a size 12 but I consistently get 3X and 4X tops from her for Christmas. One time she even told my husband that I wanted to buy a house in the woods so I would have a place to bury him after I butchered him. There are so many crazy comments, smirks, and insults that I could write a book.
When my husband and I moved into our new house, I rented a moving truck for the day and my mother-in-law and my husband’s stepdad showed up, presumably to help, as did his dad. My hubby and his stepdad were taking forever to decide which way to take things in for the upstairs and downstairs, and at that rate, I was going to need to rent the truck for a week. I just knew something was coming.
My father-in-law had just had four toes amputated and I didn’t expect him to be able to do anything, but I had managed to wrangle our sofa off the truck and he looked at me and said, “Can you get that end”? I grabbed it and we headed to the house with it. Hubby’s mom called out and said “Oh Cindy, you’re more of a man than me”!
As I went by her, I stared into that evil face and said, “Yup, and more of a woman too”. Her face flushed and she looked like she wanted to kill me. She was only married to my father-in-law for 10 months and she got even madder when he dropped the sofa and was rolling on the ground laughing like a hyena. Ah, good times!
Read The Room
When I was eight, I loved reading books. At the time, my favorite was Jane Eyre. At the time, I understood about half of the words, and even if I didn’t understand what they meant, I could sound them out. One day, I was reading this book at a relative’s house. Everyone was so chatty, and being a quiet child back then, I just sat there and read.
One of my cousins, whom we’ll call Belle, was really, really annoying. When she saw that I was reading Jane Eyre at that age, she pointed to me gleefully and exclaimed, “Look! Look, everyone! She’s reading Jane Eyre at age eight! As if she can even understand it”! Correction: I was quiet but sassy. I stood up and asked, “What’s it to you?”
I guess rudeness ran in their family because Belle’s mother rolled her eyes at me and said, “If you’re so smart, why don’t you read a part for us”? I gave her a wry smile, cleared my throat, and began to read. Somehow, even though I didn’t understand half the words in the paragraph, I was able to sound them out all right.
After I successfully read a few paragraphs, Belle’s mother cleared her throat and cut me off. Her eyes were glassy, scared, and ashamed. They were cast to the floor as her face slowly turned a beautiful beetroot red. Belle huffed and ran into her room, slamming the door. I just sat there, smirked for a brief moment, and went back to reading—silently this time.
Roll back more than 40 years ago to my very first job out of college—an engineer at a car manufacturer. I had been on the job for a month, and it was quite low-level. At one point, I was assigned to deliver some hot reports to the plant manager’s office. I walked into a birthday party. I asked who was having a birthday and was directed to the assistant plant manager.
I politely wished him a happy birthday. He gave me a flirty look, popped out his chest, and told me he just turned 43. Everyone was telling him how good he looked. Obviously, I had the scent of fresh meat in what would be considered a poisonous workplace today. They didn't expect it when I deadpanned: “Why, you’re just a year older than my Dad, his birthday is next week”. He deflated like a balloon.
And for the record, my dad is way younger-looking.
Best Parting Shot Everwoman facing on white counter Photo by Christiann Koepke on Unsplash
I was counting my change as I left the checkout when I noticed that the cashier made a mistake. I started to tell her this, but she cut me off and said, “I NEVER make mistakes”! I shrugged and started to head toward the door, but as I walked away, I dropped the mic: “ OK then. Just remember that tonight, when your till is $10 short”!
That’s Just Like, Uh, Your Opinion, Man
I met my husband at work. We had a colleague who didn’t like me. I’m not sure why but, you know, it happens. My now-husband mentioned to this colleague that he liked me (this was before we got together), and her response was, “I’m surprised. Wouldn’t you want to go out with someone who is classier and less straightforward”? This had no effect on me—because I was about to shove it in her face.
I guess he didn’t agree with her because a few weeks later he and I were an item. One night, we went to the pub with a few work people, including this woman, and I kissed my husband, turned to her, and smiled winningly. All I can say is that her expression was very pleasing.
Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind?
Shortly after my now-husband and I started dating, he took me to his hometown to meet his friends Brant and Tommy. While we were there, my then-boyfriend was sitting on the floor in front of me and I was massaging his shoulders. After a few minutes, Tommy looked at me and asked, “When do I get a massage”? I smiled sweetly— then I dropped the hammer: “When you get a girlfriend”.
The look on both Brant's and Tommy’s faces, not to mention my boyfriend’s, was utter, priceless astonishment. After we left, my boyfriend explained that I was the first girl he had ever known to turn down Tommy for any attention. He said that more than one of his previous girlfriends had given Tommy any and all of the attention he requested.
Years later, my husband admitted to me that the moment I turned down Tommy was the moment he knew that I was “the one”. To me, it wasn’t even a difficult decision because Tommy kinda gave me the creeps.
Pole Positionthree people sitting in front of table laughing together Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
When I was in college, the cancer-stick area was the place to relax during breaks between classes. Everyone would gather, smoker or not, to talk and hang out. I met tons of new people every day. We would get a lot of different personalities shining through, some of which screamed “entitled”. Now, I’m Polish. However, due to my very British accent, you’d never guess it in a million years.
I’d hear talk about politics, immigration, and the sorts almost daily. On this particular day, I was with a bunch of friends who were talking about said topics. I wasn’t chiming in, but rather just quietly listening to their opinions. Then a very entitled person entered the conversation and instantly started bashing the Poles. Things were about to get interesting.
My friends took one look at me, and I just tried not to laugh. I think they realized it would be best not to say anything just yet. This entitled person was ranting about how immigrants should “go back to their own country” and how “lazy” Polish people are. He went on and on without anyone else interrupting.
Mr. Entitled decided to chime in with one more comment. “I’ve never met a Pole who bothers to speak English and actually does something productive”. To which I finally responded, “Well, today’s your lucky day. Here I am”. His face went through a few phases of confusion, realization, shock, and embarrassment. My friends began laughing and I just stood there smirking.
Been There, Done That
My paternal grandfather worked with a bunch of guys who in the early days of paintball would go every weekend and crow about how good they were. They kept asking my grandfather if he would like to go but he always politely declined. One day, one of the more obnoxious guys said he knew why my grandfather didn’t want to go.
He announced loudly that it was because my grandfather was afraid. He messed with the wrong man. My grandfather quietly replied that he had done something similar for five years in the early 1940s in Africa, Italy, and Germany.
Always Treat Your Servers Well
This happened while I was working as a roaming drink vendor at a local sports venue. A young man waved me over to purchase a brew. He looked a little on the young side to me, and since my employer had been giving the drink vendors a whole lot of grief about making sure our customers were of drinking age, I asked the guy to show some ID.
This did not seem to sit well with him because he made a huge display in front of his even younger-looking date about how stupid it was that I had to ask for ID and how I was wasting his time…blah, blah, blah. He finally finished his rant and handed me his driver’s license. He was 21—barely. He and his date were treating me like I was a moron for even considering asking for ID. Well, I decided to give them what they deserved.
So, instead of handing him his drink, I flipped his driver’s license back to him and said, “I’m sorry, sir. You not only have to be 21, but you also have to act like it”! And off I went, no worse for the encounter.
The Fabulous Furry What?a group of people in a room with a projector screen Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash
The lecture portion of my university biology class was held in an auditorium where I usually chose a seat near the back. There was a guy who sat a couple of seats away from me and seemed contemptuous of me from the get-go. I should note that this prof taught straight from the book. He had slides that were mostly just a synopsis of each paragraph.
Since I learn better by reading than hearing, I didn’t always go to class. When I did go, I would only pay half attention while reading something for fun. On one such occasion, Contemptuous Guy barked, “Why do you even come if you’re just going to read some dumb comic book”? I replied, “The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers isn’t just any comic book. Besides, I want to get next week’s assignments”.
I skipped the class after a big exam. When I came back, I got my paper, 65 points. I flipped until I realized it wasn’t 65%, it was raw points. So I asked the guy, “Do you have the grading scale for the exam”? He smugly said, “You need at least a 52 to get a C”. I said, “OK, so is the cutoff for an A above 65”? His eyes narrowed…
“YOU’RE the one who wrecked the curve”? he hissed, angry and shocked. On the rare occasion, I’m able to think of the perfect comeback right on the spot. This was one of those occasions. “Hmm, maybe you should read more comic books,” I said nonchalantly.
How Do You Say “Boom! Roasted” In French?
Some years back, I was taking the train to work when an enormous group of French foreign exchange students boarded. They were mostly in their mid-teens with a few adult supervisors. They took up virtually every seat and most of the standing room. There were only about a dozen people in the car who were not at the party.
I could see that some of the kids were practicing small phrases in English with the regular commuters. They were really excited and clearly had a great time. Some of the commuters were even enjoying responding and it was quite a beautiful scene— or at least it was until the supervisor totally ruined it.
She proclaimed to her students in French that there was no point speaking to any of us because British people are too stupid (her words) to speak English properly, let alone another language. Well, my stop was coming up and my blood was boiling, so I stood up and, in the most strongly projected voice I have ever managed, spoke to everyone in perfect French…
I wished the students a lovely trip and told them that I hoped they would think before judging other people in the future. The supervisor turned the exact shade of a boiled beetroot and did not utter a sound. The coup de grace, however, was when a little old lady piped up: “I bet you weren’t expecting that then, were you”?
Maybe She Was Flirting?
I was sitting beside my sister-in-law’s pool watching my kids swim, having a drink, and talking with my brother-in-law. One of his neighbors got in the pool and swam a half dozen lengths in about three minutes. After that, she got out of the pool, walked over to us, and haughtily proclaimed, “Some of us like to get some exercise”.
I looked back at her and threw her some attitude back: “I ran 11 miles this morning”. She stood there for about 15 seconds trying to come up with a retort, and then finally just turned and walked away. My brother-in-law managed to wait until she was out of earshot before he burst out laughing.
As One Does…two hands Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
I’m Jewish and my wife is Armenian. I used to sit next to a Turkish guy at work. Occasionally he and I would have arguments about the Armenian genocide. He, in keeping with official Turkish policy, insisted that it a) never happened and b) was blown way out of proportion. He also claimed that the Armenians were the ones actually doing the slaughtering.
I told him, that I disagreed with him and that the Turks knew exactly what they were doing and it was intensely personal. He smirked and said, “How do you know that”? My response shut him up completely. “My wife’s grandmother was in her house in Chomaklou when a package arrived from the post office. She opened it. Inside it was her husband’s head.”
Well, Allow Me To Retort
I went to a house party many years back, and there was a guy there who was a total loser. He was making rude comments, insulting people, and irritating everyone. We weren’t even sure who he was or how he was invited. Anyway, I grabbed a drink and started playing with Newton’s cradle that was on the host’s living room table.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the jerk walk over toward me. “Small things amuse small minds”, he chuckled. I replied, without skipping a beat: “In that case, maybe you should take your hands out of your pockets”. The people around us burst out laughing, and, of course, he had no comeback. He just slithered away and I never saw him again for the rest of the evening.
Back in 1988, I took a job delivering wholesale ice in the Washington, DC area. Despite the frigid temperatures one winter, we were very busy with commercial orders for the local sports arenas. We would also occasionally get orders from the larger hotels and convention centers when their own ice machines couldn’t keep up with the demand. I will never forget this moment.
On one particularly cold Sunday morning, I was awakened very early at home by a frantic general manager whose ice machine had failed overnight when the pipes froze. He pleaded with me to rush a pallet of crushed ice to his hotel by 10:00 am for a huge political charity event—the kind where the participants pay $25,000 per plate to hobnob with celebrities.
I hurried out there. While waiting to get paid after unloading, I noticed the kitchen staff all laughing and smirking. When the chef returned with my check I said, “What’s so funny”? He replied, “No offense, but you must be the dumbest person on the planet, driving around with three feet of snow on the ground in the middle of winter trying to sell ice”.
As I took the check, I said, “Nah, I’m not the one buying it”. You could hear a pin drop. As I left, I heard everyone bust out laughing even harder, and the chef yelling at them all to shut the F up.
Ready, Set, Gah!black traffic light with red light Photo by Luke Thornton on Unsplash
I was at a red light and some dude in a modified compact car pulled up next to me and revved the engine while looking over at me with a cocky smirk. This stretch of road was a pretty popular place for people to drag race, and what I could just barely see that my new friend could not see was a cop hiding behind a shrub.
So, I revved my engine back at him. This caused him to laugh and rev his engine even more— but I wanted to really get him going. I started to just barely creep up an inch or so. As soon as the light turned green, I stayed put for a few seconds while he popped the clutch and laid rubber the entire length of the intersection. He was immediately pulled over. I smiled and waved as I slowly drove past.
When I was in college, I was talking amongst a group of peers about Japanese, Chinese, and Middle Eastern cuisines, which I am extremely passionate about. A woman in the group said, “What would you know about those cultures? You’re just a blond-haired, privileged white man”. I thought, What? But I kept my mouth shut.
A few moments later, we were looking at my photo of a recent family gathering. What do you know? My brother-in-law is Moroccan and was wearing his traditional clothing. He cooked Moroccan food for us daily while living with us. And, oh no, my two brothers are dating girls from Japan who are like sisters to me. The humanity! Wait, two of my cousins are from the Philippines?
You get the picture. Someone in the group said, “Wow [person who insulted me]! You must feel pretty dumb right now”. And I could tell that they did feel pretty dumb. I love my family and I wish we could all stop judging others based on appearance. That’s just extremely shallow. It’s 2020! We’re a huge melting pot. C’mon, folks.
Twists And Turns
A guy was hitting on me in a restaurant bar as my husband Tom and I were waiting for a table. Tom was chatting with the guy next to him, all hunched over and speaking sotto voce, as he often does. I was idly stirring my drink, when this fellow wandered over and started hitting on me. Now, ordinarily, I love to flirt, even with strangers…
This guy, however, reeked of booze and started by putting a hand on my thigh. It wasn’t even a grope; more like an attempt to get his balance. And, yes, he smirked as he said, “So, lovey, wanna go to my place? I’ll show you a good time”. It was too much. WAY too much. I can only hope his friends put him up to it, as a bet, or something.
“Tom”? I said in a sort of panicky voice like I’d spotted a spider or something. Now, you have to understand that my husband, bless his heart, looks like Neanderthal. Seriously. Except he’s 198 cm (six foot six), weighs 127 kg (280 pounds), and he’s built like a Bulgarian weightlifter. He has deep-set eyes, a thick nose, a sloping forehead, and some tattoos.
He would definitely be typecast as a Russian Mafia. And Tom, who is normally a baritone, can reach all the way down to basso profundo. So when he’s hamming it up, and trying to look intimidating, even Batman would think twice. “Yes, my little dumpling”? he rumbled as he turned around and straightened up, putting one hand on my shoulder.
And that was the end of that man’s smirk. Yeah, I was flirting, but Tom adores me, and he loves to do chivalrous things like that. We had a good giggle over it later.
Time To Tap Outwoman in white suit Photo by Thao LEE on Unsplash
I am a purple belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. As a woman, I often get paired with new students who try to tell me how to do a technique. I’ve noticed that this never happens to the guys, by the way. Usually, I’ll just let them talk and then show them what’s up when it’s time to roll (training against a resisting opponent).
Typically, one roll will put an end to their patronizing behavior, but this one guy wasn’t getting it. He kept trying to correct me but he was consistently wrong when describing the techniques. Our head instructor even heard him on several occasions and told him to stop trying to correct me because he doesn’t know what he was talking about.
On this particular day, we were drilling the double-leg takedown. I should mention that I have been coaching the kids' classes for about six years, and this is one of the main takedowns the kids do. I gently took him down, because we were just drilling—and he tried to tell me I did it wrong. I told him it wasn’t wrong, and he argued. So I decided to shut him down.
I looked him straight in the eyes, then looked down at his white belt, and then I looked at my belt, and back to his eyes. I simply said, “Huh”, and I took him down hard, using the same technique that he said was wrong. Let’s just say he never tried to correct me again.
If It Pleases The Court
My now ex-wife and I were trying to do an amicable dissolution. It didn’t end well. So, we drew up a plan and I took it to a lawyer just to have her look at it. This lawyer wasn’t six months out of school. She was inexperienced, cheap, and kind of dumb, but she was good enough to look over our document. She had concerns. I spoke to my wife to address them.
The wifey wanted changes. Then she wanted more. Then she hired the best attorney in our small town. Basically, this guy is a pitbull and everyone knows it. There is nobody who can beat him in court—at least not in our town. Who can beat him? A guy from about 70 km (45 miles) away who is more than willing to take him on.
“I’ve dominated him more than once, already” he proudly told me. Fast forward to the first court date. No one was aware that I had hired him, and it just so happened that my first lawyer had a case the same day, so she was at the courthouse. I saw my ex and her lawyer pointing at my old lawyer and already celebrating. Then our case was called…
They beamed at my first lawyer, but she sat still. My new lawyer, however, joined me at the front of the courtroom. I could see the blood drain from her lawyer’s face when he recognized my attorney. Her lawyer whispered something to her, she shook her head as if she didn’t understand. They had a brief discussion and my wife became 100 percent more reasonable.
Macho, Macho, Man
I am a stay-at-home father, among other jobs. Once a year, my wife’s company holds a meal at a nice restaurant, and the spouses are expected to attend. There’s free food and some of my wife’s coworkers aren’t idiots, so I don’t mind it. All night, one of her coworkers, unfortunately, one of the non-idiots, is doing the “I earn this much, I am SO manly” routine.
Meanwhile, I am actually sharing some of my recipes with her other coworkers. The idiot then makes a joke about me being a “good wife”. I just stare at him . He is in his 30s, short, mostly bald, not quite fit but not actually sloppy, and desperate to make everyone else in the room look less manly than him. “So what do YOU do”? He asks.
This an annoying question because I know he’s been listening to me talk about making sure dinner is on and all my duties as the stay-at-home parent, but unbeknownst to him I have another profession. “I’m a blacksmith” I state proudly. My wife’s wannabe uber-macho coworker deflates like a soufflé in an earthquake.
Username Checks Outman weight lifting Photo by Sopan Shewale on Unsplash
I was at the gym where I worked and there was a group of guys in their early 20s who thought they were the greatest things to walk the earth. They maybe had 50 kg (115 pounds) on the squat rack and they were arrogant, rude, loud, and just generally annoying other members. So, I figured a little competition wouldn’t hurt anyone.
I set up the squat rack next to them and began repping 155 kg (345 lbs). I’m also built pretty small, so their jaws instantly dropped, and no joke, they packed up their stuff and walked off super defeated.
Born To Be Wild
As background, I make my living teaching people how to ride motorcycles. A long time ago, I used to do this in the New York area. The battery on my personal motorcycle had drained, and I had a new one on order. In the meantime, I was commuting by car. When the new battery came in, I picked it up after work and put it in my trunk.
On my drive home, I encountered a group of riders on the side of the road. They were clustered around a motorcycle that had clearly broken down. This was back before everyone had a cell phone, so I stopped to see if they could use some help. I know a thing or two about how motorcycles work and generally travel with tools. Little did I know I would get myself into a little kerfuffle.
Now these were a bunch of gnarly biker dudes. Wearing leather, chains, and tattoos…they ticked all the biker stereotype boxes. I’m sure they were amused that a lady pulled over to help. I asked, “Do you guys need any help”? One replied snarkily, “Not unless you have a motorcycle battery in your trunk” and the group shared a laugh.
You can see where this is going. I replied sweetly, “As a matter of fact, I DO have a motorcycle battery in my trunk”. Between my new battery and tools and skinny girl fingers that extracted the old battery from a tight spot, I got them on their way. They ended up being a friendly bunch and I hope they will give a warmer response when the next person offers help.
Know Your Worth
Every five years our contracts are rebid at my government job and there are not many positions like these in this area, so I am somewhat beholden to whichever new contractor comes in. One day, the new contracting company manager came in and wanted to talk to me. I only had a short time to talk because of an appointment I had about an hour later.
The manager for the new company started off by saying, “You are overcompensated for your age and experience. You are making as much as people who have been here for 30 years. In order to bring you over to the new contract, we will have to reduce your pay by $10,000”. He smirked in that “I’ve got you and there is not much you can do about it” way.
I responded and said, “That’s unfortunate”. He did not realize it at that moment, but it was unfortunate for them. I ended him with my next response: “Well I need to get going to my interview appointment and from what you just told me, I don’t want to miss that.” His smirk was wiped from his face and he stuttered a bit, and asked if I was going to be in tomorrow or on Friday.
I told him, “No, I’m sorry, [the contractor I was currently with] was flying me out to Maryland to interview with another group out there because they wanted to keep me on their payroll”. We said our goodbyes at that time and the following day I had an offer in my e-mail with a slight raise from the new contracting company.
A Pleasure Doing Businessa man sitting at a table with a laptop in front of him Photo by Adetola Afolabi on Unsplash
This story has it all: an international setting, payola, corruption, and, of course, some smirk-wiping. This story is about a friend of mine named Richard. We worked together at The Economist. He was in Hong Kong and I was in New York City. When I’d travel to HK for work, I’d stay with him and his wife. And when we were both stationed in London, I rented their attic.
Richard is an American and was about 35 in the story, which takes place at the turn of the millennium. His wife, Jyoti, was a bit younger and from India. After his stints in HK and London, he moved with his wife to her home region in India, and he started a business building sewers. Richard looked a bit like Michael T. Weiss, star of the late 1990s series The Pretender.
To win contracts and get the permits to install sewers, he often had to meet with local and regional government officials. At the time, India’s officials were notoriously open to, ahem, “gifts”. After discussing the permits, the bureaucrats would switch to Hindi and talk amongst themselves about the “gifts” they would demand in order to move Richard’s paperwork along. This worked perfectly in Richard's favor.
The bureaucrats would then switch back to English and tell him their requirements. They were never called bribes, of course, but it was clear that that’s what they were. At that moment, my friend would switch to fluent Hindi. Hindi is so good that, apparently, if you were on the phone with him you would not know he wasn’t Indian.
Indeed, he told me he went to these meetings in person so the bureaucrats would take him for a sucker. When he turned the tables on them, they would be so embarrassed that they would grant him the permits at the correct rate. His business wound up being the only one that didn’t have to pay extra.
Chivalry Is Alive And Well
My wife didn’t know how to drive when we got married. I encouraged her to learn, and she did. Now she is a very decent driver—very cautious and focused on safety.
We were at a party where there was this guy she dated back before we started dating. I think he’s sort of an idiot, but since I had no beef with him, we were speaking in a friendly way.
Then, my wife started mentioning that she had finally gotten her driver’s license. She was so proud of herself. This guy was like, “Wow! I wonder how that works. Man, you must be nervous when she drives with you in the car”. I really felt like breaking his face. Nobody makes fun of my wife. Instead, I decided to take a different approach.
I looked him straight in the face, and told him, “No, I don’t feel nervous at all. She happens to be a great driver, and I feel totally comfortable with her at the steering wheel”. The idiotic smile on the guy’s face immediately disappeared, and everybody within earshot smiled and looked at the guy like the idiot he was.
I’m sure my wife appreciated my answer better than if I had gotten physical with the guy. I still wanted to punch his face, though.
Many years ago, my husband and I attended an Independence Day celebration at a large stadium as are both Vietnam veterans. We weren’t stationed in combat zones, but we served during the conflict. During the event, the emcee asked active duty personnel and veterans to stand up and be recognized. We both rose to our feet.
A man behind me jerked on the back of my T-shirt so hard that I almost fell back into his lap. “Sit down”, he hissed. “They said veterans, NOT their wives”. My husband immediately put on a sinister smile. He looked at him calmly and said, “My wife is a veteran,” Thankfully, we did not hear a peep from the guy for the rest of the show.
Sharpshooterholding hand couple Photo by Imam Fadly on Unsplash
Over 30 years ago, I was a deputy sheriff. I’d been one for a year or two when I met this lady who was a paramedic in the same county. We dated for a few years. One weekend, I was at her house and had just purchased a Beretta 21 semi-auto in .22 cal. because I was getting tired of lugging a .38 around on my ankle as a last-resort weapon.
I went into the backyard with my girlfriend and tossed an empty tuna can onto the ground, loaded a magazine, and aimed. The first shot missed. Well, it’s a new piece, let’s try again. At the end of that magazine, I still hadn’t hit that tuna can. The second magazine’s the charm, right? NOT! I still hadn’t hit the can. I was really angry at this point.
Suddenly I heard my girlfriend say sweetly behind me, “Honey, do you think I could try”? I loaded up a magazine and showed her what to do and said, “You won’t shoot any better with it than I did, but go for it”. She took it, aimed, and fired. TING! The can went flipping into the air. TING, TING, TING, TING, TING, TING. She hit the can six more times.
Seven shots and the smirk was definitely wiped off my face! I had foolishly forgotten that her father was a WW2 and Korea vet AND an avid collector and instructor who had taught both his girls how to shoot and obviously how to shoot well. We will soon celebrate our 31st wedding anniversary. I’m so lucky that she agreed to marry me!
Mother Knows Best?
My brother stopped by our home one afternoon with his new girlfriend in tow. She was a tall, big-boned, top-heavy blonde. He introduced her to our mother who took him aside moments later. With a smug, self-satisfied smirk my mother informed him: “You know she’s not going to be able to keep her figure, don’t you”? My brother replied, “So…Did you”?
When I was in my early 20s, I went clubbing with some friends who brought along some other friends. One guy was trying to impress me with his “intelligence”. At the club, there was a screen where they projected various images. At this particular time, it was astronomical stuff. He asked me if I knew what it was. I just kinda smiled and asked him to tell me what it was.
He said that it was a close-up of Jupiter, and went on and on about it for a while. He then asked me what I thought it was. This is when I had some fun. So I told him that is Orion’s Nebula. He paused and replied incredulously, “Wait, do you know about this stuff”? I just smiled and stated that I was going into my final year of astrophysics at the U of T.
Wedding Crasherwoman in white and pink off-shoulder top standing beside wall Photo by Olivier Rule on Unsplash
I was at a distant cousin’s wedding a couple of months back. Since my grandmother was invited, I decided to tag along. On the day of the wedding, I could tell that everyone had done their best to get glam and gorgeous. Thankfully, some of my cousins were there, too, so I wasn’t totally bored. About halfway through the function, was approached by a woman I didn’t know.
I was standing beside six of my male cousins, just talking and laughing, when this lady, who was just a couple of years older than me and so thin that she looked like she’d never eaten anything, came up to me and said, “You just have to start exercising. You’re so fat, look, I can see your fat through your dress. Haven’t your parents taught you anything”? That was bad enough, but she kept taking it further.
I admit that I’m chubby, but my fat could definitely not be seen through my clothes. This woman went on ranting some more, just insulting me and saying that no one would marry me because I was fat, and that I’d never have kids. I was listening calmly. When she was done, she looked at me, smirked, and asked “Don’t you agree”?
I very calmly replied, “There is a disadvantage to you being thin. A small head means you can only fit a small brain in there. It makes you a narrow-minded person. As for me, I can proudly say I have an open mind as well as a big heart”. The lady’s face turned bright red as she sputtered and tried to think of a response. She ended up just turning and stalking away.
The Doctor Is In
When I mentioned that I have a Ph.D. in physical chemistry, a software engineer smirked and said, “What are ya gonna do with that”? I had spent several years as a professional research scientist, but I skipped over that in my answer. Instead, I kept my slayage simple: “Well, I taught myself to code, so nowadays I’m an IT consultant. I did all the math for a huge database merger project at Microsoft".
“Oh,” was all he said. And, yes, his smirk was gone.
Fast And Soon-To-Be-Furious
I was driving a muscle car and pulled up to a stoplight with my girlfriend at my side. A couple of guys in a Porsche pulled up beside us and tried to get me to race. I shook my head. We were on a date and I was trying to be on my best behavior. To provoke me, they started yelling some very hurtful things about my girlfriend. Obviously, this infuriated me—and I knew I had to get payback.
When the light changed, I gunned it and my car leaped out ahead of them. I then quickly backed off just in time for them to blow through the speed trap I had passed on the way to pick her up. We laughed all the way to dinner.
Sir, Yes, Sirmen's black and red top Photo by Chichi Onyekanne on Unsplash
Many years ago, I was an army wife and was in my car in a shopping center parking lot, when someone hit my car from behind. The other driver, who was wearing his shiny new army uniform, pulled rank on me. He aggressively said that he was in law enforcement, that I was in trouble, and that he hoped I was well insured.
I sat quietly until he asked for my insurance. Then I suggested he call my husband for the details, as my husband was his new boss—and obviously outranked him substantially. Needless to say, it was very amusing to watch him deflate. But the best part? He then got called into the office and reprimanded for pulling rank on a civilian.
Comin’ In Hot
My stepfather used to love to make my life miserable. One of the ways he did this was to walk through the kitchen while I was washing dishes, plunge his hand into the dishwater and yell, “This dishwater is ice cold! You can’t get dishes clean in cold water. Now empty that out, make some hot dishwater, and wash all these over again”!
Since I detested washing dishes, this would always make me cry and feel defeated. Then he would smirk and walk out of the kitchen feeling very proud of himself. It didn’t matter how hot the dishwater was, he always did the same thing. So one night I had enough. I put a stockpot on the stove to boil, then poured the boiling water into the sink with some dish soap.
I loaded the sink with dishes and then stirred them around a bit with a wooden spoon to make it sound like I was doing dishes. Sure enough, I soon heard him coming my way. As he walked into the kitchen, I took a step back so he could easily reach the sink. He plunged his hand into the boiling hot dishwater! His hand came out of that sink so fast, it was a blur.
He said nothing and gave no indication that he had just stuck his hand in boiling water. He just looked at me with mingled hatred and respect and walked out of the kitchen without a word. That was the last time he ever tested my dishwater.
Reddit user Ok-Discipline-4312 asked: 'How did that teacher get fired at your school?'
Whether or not we liked going to school growing up, we can likely all agree that we had one of those teachers who really didn't belong in the classroom.
From terrible tempers, little patience, and other bad behaviors, there are qualities that absolutely shouldn't be exhibited by a teacher.
But at least in some cases, the teacher gets caught in the act.
Redditor Ok-Discipline-4312 asked:
"How did that teacher get fired at your school?"
Creepy Phone Calls
"In the early 90s, a female student at my high school was receiving obscene phone calls."
"When police interviewed her, she told them, 'He sounds kind of like my history teacher.'"
" The police put a tracer on her phone, and the caller did turn out to be her history teacher."
Passing the Torch
"My high school had a notoriously stoney gym teacher, who was also hilarious. Every year, he did a miscellaneous object raffle during a random lunch hour. He basically just gave away whatever was in the lost and found box."
"Well, my junior year, one of the objects was a large and elaborate 'vase.'"
"Basically, he handed a student a giant f**king bong. He retired a few days later."
Rolling with the Punches
"A teacher used a sick day rather than a vacation day to fly to Japan to fight in MMA. He got caught and was fired for improper use of time off."
"He lost his fight and chose a different career path afterward."
"They used alcohol on the job. They had a bottle in the top left drawer."
"It t ook years to catch them, though."
"I had a few teachers like that. One lady had a can of Tab every day (remember Tab soda? laughing out loud)."
"Some kid made a mark on the bottom with a pen or something and found out it was the same can every day. She was refilling it from a bottle in her car."
One Word: Embezzlement
"Embezzling from the students. For quite a few years, she would collect money for this 'senior trip' that never seemed to materialize."
" She was arrested a few years after I graduated. I wonder if she's out of prison yet?"
"Holy s**t, I just had a repressed memory pop up in my head. We had a 'ski club' when I was in 8th grade, and the teachers constantly collected money from us for our 'ski trip' that we never took. I wonder where all that money went?"
All for the Prom Queen
"S**t, there was a vice principal that wanted her daughter, who went to the same school, to be the homecoming queen super bad."
"So she hacked into dozens of parents' district portal accounts and stuffed the ballot for her daughter."
" Not quite 'steal the money' or 'embezzle' bad, but still 'go to prison and never work in education again' and also 'your daughter isn't going to college now' bad."
A Sweet Future
"My middle school choir teacher was a closeted gay man. He had a long-term boyfriend but none of us knew about it, until one day a parent saw them at a HOUSE PARTY making out."
"They spread rumors throughout the school and multiple parents immediately removed their children from his class. The parents complained to the school and got him fired."
"The good news is, he eventually quit teaching and opened up a bakery with his partner, which did very well and got featured on 'Cupcake Wars.'"
Sprinkled with Annoyance
"A teacher threw a donut at an annoying student."
"What a waste of a perfectly good donut!"
"Because of me, I think. Once in primary school, I was messing around with a classmate, and she threw a sponge at me, making me chase her around the classroom."
"The teacher tried to stop me and grabbed me by the neck, making me fall on my back. It didn’t hurt, but I was surprised."
"I don’t remember how, but the principal and my parents got involved, and we never saw the teacher again after that. He was sort of a substitute teacher, and from what I can remember, he was pretty well-liked even by me."
Incredible Road Rage
"He cut off my grandpa in an explosive road rage incident, pulled him out of his truck, and beat him to the ground so bad that my grandpa was in the hospital for weeks."
"Thankfully, my grandpa was okay, but his job (and his marriage, and social life) didn’t survive."
High School Drama
"At my school, the new French teacher started screwing the old computer teacher, who was married to the geometry teacher."
"At the end of it, just the geometry teacher had her job and all the other two teachers' money because she divorced the computer teacher and managed to sue the French teacher as part of an alienation of affection suit."
"Then she hooked up with the metal shop teacher."
Three Strikes, You're Out
"The teacher called up a female student to work a problem on the blackboard. The student didn't want to participate. After some verbal back and forth, the student went to the blackboard and muttered something under her breath."
"The teacher grabbed the student's hair with both hands and proceeded to slam her head into the blackboard. 'You (slam) will listen (slam) to me (slam)!'"
"About three seconds later, the teacher realized what she was doing and released the student's hair. The student looked at her, said, 'You are sooooo fired,' and left the room."
" We had a new math teacher the next day."
The Dispassionate Teacher
"My memory of this is kinda hazy since this happened 10 and a half years ago."
"She was telling at us, I don't remember if anything specific triggered her episode but she said s**t like, 'I don't give a rat's a** what you think,' and 'I wish I could use the paddle.'"
"Although the one thing I'll always remember was before she sat down, she said, 'I'm going on Facebook, I don't care what the h**l you do.'"
" I guess she got fired the same day, because we had a sub after lunch, and we had a new short-term sub every few days before we got a long-term sub for the rest of the year."
That Would Do It
"He taught me physics for three years and became principal for two years."
"Then they realized he didn’t even have the teaching qualification."
It's obvious why these teachers were quickly removed from their roles as teachers and unable to ever teach again.
But the thought that these things ever happened in a classroom are deeply unsettling.
Working at a job where you get along with coworkers is ideal.
Strong teamwork can establish efficiency, and good rapport at the workplace can inspire friendships.
But not even the kindest person can vibe with everyone despite good intentions, and it could be due to toxic personalities.
Those types of coworkers can be ones who are unfriendly, manipulative, super arrogant, or completely lacking in self-awareness.
Curious to hear about the latter,
"Who is the most insufferable a** hole you’ve ever worked with?"
These individuals did not look forward to showing up, due to individuals who've made their lives miserable.
"At my old job, my boss would give me difficult projects from difficult clients. When I finished the project, she would go into the system and add her initials (whoever does the work has to initial after every step) and take off mine."
"Then she would go to her supervisor and be like, 'Look what I did! Hehe!' And she would get all the credit. When I finally figured out she was doing that, I wouldn't let her know when I was done, and I would personally submit my work to her supervisor."
"His mind was blown that I just 'magically picked up the work so effortlessly,' and I got promoted lol."
New VP In Town
"Matt, the new VP of operations decided that everything about our company needed to change, including undermining my role, essentially taking over my team, and started implementing these incredibly micro managing processes that nearly halved our productivity, then blamed it all on me. He then proceeded to place our junior as the team lead and left me on my own island. It really felt like he was trying to get me to leave and well, he got what he wanted. F' k you, Matt."
Her Way Or The Highway
"Sierra. Sierra knew the answer to every single question, had better ideas than you, had done more than you had done, tried everything that you thought of, seen more a problems than you had, and just all around was an insufferable know-it-all. Everything had to be done exactly the way she wanted it to be done even if it didn't need to be done that way, it still had to be done that way because that's the way she wanted it. She micromanaged everyone around. I was so happy when she moved to a different job."
"Sounds like my insufferable coworker. Except mine is also a f'king hypocrite who’ll rat you out for bending a rule that is flexible while constantly breaking rules she’s not supposed to because she’s been working this entry level job for 30 years."
"I look forward to the day she gets fired but unfortunately this is a union job."
Sometimes, things backfire.
"I had a coworker who would sh*t all over my ideas in meetings and then offer up the same solutions I'd just offered like 5 minutes later. Everyone watched her do it and I don't know if she thought she was getting away with something or had some kind of mental block where she didn't even realize she was doing it. After a year or so we had this guy Dave get hired and the first meeting she did that he blurted out, 'wait a minute, 5 minutes ago Joe suggested that and you sh*t all over it.' And she was kind of like, 'Oh,' and like mumbled something while everyone stifled a giggle."
"Lady tried to get me fired and was totally harassing me - it backfired and she was escorted out by HR. I’ve been with my company for almost ten years now. See you never✌️"
"Yeah I just went through 2+ years of hell because of a total abusive gaslighting coworker a-hole. She would say abusive stuff to me when no one else was around and then completely deny it with management. She would create weird situations to make me look bad or crazy and would like daily attempt to turn coworkers against me. She would straight up mock me in front of coworkers and customers. Also, many incidents of her mocking me for being a guy and being 'too sensitive.' Sh*t like 'You are too sensitive. You should be able to handle what I say.'"
"She even knew I was sober (25+ years) and on a couple of occasions managed to make me feel like sh*t as if I was some total scumbag. It was unbelievably frustrating and I had no idea how to handle all this. I managed to kick alcohol and drugs a long time ago and survive a very rough childhood but had no tools to handle something like this. It was like the twilight zone. She successfully convinced management I was the problem and that I was making the whole thing up for a long long time. I felt completely defeated and hopeless."
"Massive stress for something like 2 years. I finally broke and told management do something or I will sue. They first hired a mediator who took us through the mediation process. I was not told what the mediator thought of the situation but I definitely get a sense the mediator told management yes you have a problem here."
"Then the company called in lawyers who investigated my claims. Took about 6 months but it turns out several of her own employees (we were both foreman) backed me up and from what I know the lawyers told my company they were in serious legal jeopardy. Every one of the women I work with said I am kind and never have I ever been mean, snapped or been rude to them."
"Several of them said they love working with me and some actually witnessed some incidents. I was kept in the dark as to the whole timeline of the investigation but one recent Friday management walked in and told her to gather her things and they escorted her out of the building. I literally had to step out and weep. Not just because it was finally over but why did any of this have to happen? I still don’t really know why I was her target and I don’t think I ever will. My stress levels are 1000 times better but yeah I think I need therapy. Still processing it all."
These are the kind of work colleagues you don't go out for drinks with afterward.
The Thing About Dave
"Dave is a guy who thinks he’s much smarter than he is. He’s been with the same company for 20 years and has worked his way up the ladder at a small company, where he now leads Operations."
"He’s a control freak and micromanager and this job is pretty much all he has in life. He will do anything and everything to block progress and innovation and will ruthlessly stab anyone in the back who gets in his way."
"Sometimes I have pity on Dave because this job is as good as it’s ever gonna get for him. I’m gonna leave this job soon and move on to better things, but Dave’s gonna be doing Dave things until a heart attack or kidney failure takes him out eventually."
Can't Be Pleased
"Guy that I worked with on a cabinet door assembly line. One night we got done about 30min early and this guy throws a fit. How is he going to pay his bills if they send us home early ect ect. Two nights later we had to work about 45min late. This guy starts throwing a even bigger fit. No one helps us, whining we have to work overtime ect ect lol."
"Got a dude i work with who always claims he will quit when it comes to OT. Thing is, its never mandatory unless dire. We usually always have volunteers to fill in. Its been like seven years. Quitter still works there, claiming he's gonna quit."
I've been fortunate enough to have worked with amazing groups of people throughout my performing career.
But my first job experience as a 16-year-old was not a positive one. I worked in retail selling video games at the mall where I grew up.
My trainer who worked shifts with me behind the counter was the boss's girlfriend. She was condescending and would often abandon her job duties when things at the store was slow and go shopping around the nearby shops and department stores.
Of course, whenever she was gone, I dealt with mayhem. I had to figure out how to deal with exchanges, giving refunds, which I had yet to learn.
I also had to call security on a kid who wandered in unattended and swiped an item from behind the counter, then later dealt with his irate mother who had to leave her job to pick up her kid from the mall and yelled at me for accusing him of stealing.
After two weeks, I quit.
We all have those moments when we want to have the perfect comeback, but we draw a complete blank.
Until three days later when we have an epiphany about what we should have said.
Well, maybe these bons mots can put some weapons in your arsenal.
"What's an insult that's been thrown at you (or you heard toward someone else) that you actually admired or just made you laugh?"
So many insults to choose from...
"You look like someone who would pre-heat the microwave."
Some are one-liners.
"It could be that the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others."
Others require a little set up.
"My best friend and I were roasting each other.
"Me: 'What are you going to say to me that my parents haven't already said?'"
"Her: 'I'm proud of you'."
"I would agree with you, but then we would both be wrong."
" It’s not worth insulting you as nature has already done enough damage."
"Heard one of my sister’s bullies call her fat and mock her weight at school."
"She just yelled back 'B*tch you’re the f'king ugliest thing I’ve ever seen, I can lose weight, what the f'k are you going to do about that face?'”
“You think in low power mode.”
“You’ve got two brain cells left and they’re competing for third place”
"I like 'you only have two brain cells, but one of them is lost and the other went looking for it'."
"Or 'you only have two brain cells left, and they're each trying to bum a smoke off the other'."
" You are living proof that the education system needs better funding."
“Wisdom has been chasing you, but you’ve always been faster.”
“You’re as smart as you look.”
"Random dude online told me to go back to Mexico when I made a joke about the US medical insurance costs."
"I corrected him saying I was Canadian, and he replied with 'stfu, you're just a snow Mexican then'."
"For some reason I just immediately imagined a dude removing snow off his car while wearing a sombrero and laughed for a good 3 minutes."
"Que pasa, eh?"
"As a Canadian living in Texas, my stepdad would call us icebacks."
"I can only explain it to you, I can't understand it for you."
"You're intellectually on the ground already and what do you do?"
"Begin to dig."
Self owns are rife with opportunities.
"My friend got in a heated argument with her son (nothing new, they’re both hot-tempered) and she called him a son-of-a-b*tch and he said 'that’s right, I am!!' And they both cracked up laughing."
"My cousin jokingly called her teenage son a son-of-a-b*tch and I laughed and said 'You just called yourself a b*tch!' and then she told me to f'k off. It was great!"
"My friend once had the same thing happen and shouted back: 'At least we can agree on something, MOM!' His mom was pissed as soon as she figured it out a hot second later, but his dad tried his hardest to keep a straight face."
“You look like you have a favorite flavor of glue.”
~ triggamonThe Simpsons Eating GIF Giphy
"I envy people that didn't get to know you."
"In elementary a kid once shouted at me 'you're so weird, you probably were able to read the paper when you were THREE YEARS OLD!!'."
"Basically he called me 'smart' to my face."
"Unintentional compliments are the best. You know they aren’t lying because they tried to insult you."
"My brother said to me ‘you look 16 at age 20' and I was like 'OMG THANKS'."
"You behave like someone who snacked on lead paint too often as a child."
"You're not the dumbest person on Earth, but if I were you I'd hope that person doesn't die soon."
"In my early teens I told a good friend of mine (roughly translated) 'Dude, you're like the king of all dumba**es!'."
"Without missing a beat he asked 'Shouldn't you obey me, then?'."
"At that point I had to admit I had indeed gotten got. It's been over 20 years and it still burns a bit."
"I'd explain it to you in a way even you'd understand, but I have neither the time nor the crayons."
"Your self-confidence contradicts your expertise."
"My friend and I were at a place known for its clubs and drinking spots. We were waiting for our car when a man was hitting on us and inviting us to drink."
"Dude told us he's 47 and without hesitation, I asked 'Oh, so are you here with your kids?'."
"My friend was holding in a laugh while I was just clueless why, then I realized I pretty much called him an oldie."
"Some tree is woking its a** off to produce the oxygen you're consuming."
"You owe that tree an apology."
"I had a Mexican girlfriend who was self-conscious about her bad grammar in English. She got into an argument with another girl in English."
"She suddenly turns to me and points at the other girl and says, 'she is a little b*tch', then just jumps back into the argument. I found it a bit odd, but whatever."
"Afterward I ask her were you trying to bring me into the argument by telling me she was a little b*tch? She said 'no, I just wanted to call her a little b*tch and wasn't sure if it was, you are a little b*tch or you is a little b*tch. I knew she is a little b*tch was correct so I said that, but I couldn't say that to her, so I just said it to you'."
"The delivery carried some weight, and there were many subtle elements, although unintentional. There was uninvolved 3rd party verification, and it felt like she was undermining her that she was such a little b*tch that she didn't even bother directly telling her."
"It was very effective. The other girl was visually dissed."
"My expectations towards you were low and what do you do?"
~ triggamonlimbo belt GIF Giphy
So do you have a favorite comeback?
If not, you have some to choose from now.
A bride has a lot to do before her big day, from planning the dinners, to getting her dress, to deciding on the decorating details. This quest for the perfect wedding can sometimes be even more stressful than finding a lifelong partner—but that doesn’t mean these women had any excuse for going full Bridezilla in front of their staff.
1. Her Own Worst Enemy
I work as a wedding server. As soon as someone says “Bridezilla". I think of this one story where the manager of our hotel had to shut down the wedding halfway through. This was the Bridezilla of all the Bridezillas I've ever seen. There were a lot of little things leading up that were casual Bridezilla— until the wedding took a dark turn.
At one point, she accused the wedding server staff of taking her veil...then the manager found it in her room and also showed her the card swipes to her room proving only she had been in the room that day. About 20 minutes later, she was screaming at some poor front desk employee accusing her of taking her wedding boots.
The manager intervened again, and after a long talk the photographer told them he had a photo of the boots on the staircase of the church, and asked if she had worn them since...When she said no, she told our place it was our job to have picked them up and made sure she had them, even though the church was not related to our place at all.
THEN shortly after she started opening the wedding gifts frantically inside the ballroom and screaming at anyone and everyone, guests included, saying someone took her wedding certificate. After that, our manager gathered the wedding staff and told us to take off our uniform jackets, empty them in front of him, then to clock out and go home.
Which we all did. None of us took anything. We heard next day that the maid of honor had the certificate and after we left the wedding was shut down completely.
2. Mother Knows Best
I worked at David’s Bridal and I have to say that as far as Bridezillas, it was always the moms, grandmas, sisters, and friends that were terrible. Either they hated what the bride would pick out for them to wear or they would hate what she was picking out for herself to wear. At David’s Bridal, we have kind of strict appointment guidelines when it comes to time.
A lot of brides who would bring entourages wouldn’t find a dress because everyone would bombard her with their opinions and overwhelm them. The worst thing I’ve ever witnessed was when one bride who always struggled with her weight came in. She was overweight and had been working extremely hard on it over the last year.
It was a slower day and we all loved her story and wanted to make that day special so we all decided to help. She finally found a dress that she loved and she started crying along with most of us. Then she looked at her mom and asked for her opinion. Her mom’s response was brutal. She looked at her and said, “You look fat in it".
We all stood there in silence and the bride lost her happiness. She asked to be assisted in taking it off and they left. It was one of the saddest days that I had experienced there.
3. Maid Of Dishonorman and woman in wedding dress standing beside white floral curtain Photo by Ben Wicks on Unsplash
Management here at a bridal shop. You have no idea the sense of entitlement that walks into my store. I would consider us the Wal-Mart of weddings: We cater to everyone from poorer people to rich nobodies who think they’re somebody. I’ve seen it all. “These dresses are cheap,” to “These dresses are too expensive". I’m a rational person and being part of management means I’m trusted to make important decisions and enforce policy.
All sales are final, depending of course, but you have to have one great excuse to get a penny out of me. The best (by best I mean craziest) excuse yet was a spouse who had her wedding coordinator go in to refund the items because she was in a psych ward. Why? Because she tried to hurt her sister…after the sister announced she was pregnant with the groom’s baby…at the bridal shower.
We refunded everyone but the sister, who was ironically the maid of honor.
4. Right In The Face
I was a bridesmaid for a family member’s wedding. We hired a super talented makeup artist to come in and make her look really good for her big day. This makeup artist, who was the quietest, shortest lady I’ve ever met in my whole life, starts doing her makeup. Once she finished it looked REALLY GOOD. I was just like “diddly dang, she’ll love this". BOY was I wrong.
The bridezilla looked in the mirror and went absolutely BONKERS. She screeched, “It looks awful! YOU KNOW WHAT I WANTED!” She was crying, and her eye makeup was streaming down her face. We all rushed to calm her down. This poor makeup artist looks like she’s about to pee. So the makeup artist fixes her up despite her outburst and does basically the same thing but adds a little more eyeliner.
Suddenly the bridezilla LOVES IT.
5. Frame It Up
While the photographer was waiting for the extended family to gather for formal photos, he photographed couples and families already present. The bride bristled that he wasn't taking photos of her and that these were not the photos the bride had requested. This was after the photographer had already finished photos of the bride and groom in several locations.
Because the bride was upset, she didn't ask the photographer to take photos of her and her special friends during the following reception. So, when she finally saw the photos a few weeks later, she regretted that she had taken out her (unwarranted) anger, and she was missing dozens of photos she would have wanted. Karma’s a witch.
6. Shut It All Downa white and black dress Photo by Rosemary Williams on Unsplash
A local wedding shop that had been in operation for years in my area had to close down. This place was very well known and a lot of people I knew went there for wedding dresses, prom dresses, etc. In 2014, however, there were a few US cases of Ebola, if you remember. One of the ladies who came down with it was a nurse and caught it from a patient who had Ebola.
She, for some reason, got the OK to travel, then came to the area where I live and went to this particular bridal shop. When it was confirmed she had Ebola, the shop closed down for three weeks to be professionally cleaned and de-toxed. After the shop opened back up from the three-week shutdown, they were never able to recover.
Months later, they announced that they couldn't afford to stay open and were struggling. The stigma of the lady with Ebola being in the shop drove people away. Oh, and the lady with Ebola tried suing the bridal shop when they wouldn't refund her and her bridal party’s deposits when she canceled her orders. Just a total mess.
7. Money Can’t Buy Class
Strap in, folks. This is going to be a bumpy ride. I work in a relatively high-end country club in the American South. We had a doozy last season. It was not only the bride who was crazy, but the whole wedding party. The "Happy Couple" were not members of the club, but had convinced our coordinator to sign off on it.
However, this coordinator quit shortly after booking, and a new girl had to deal with the fallout. First off, they had been extremely rude to our new coordinator and managers through the whole planning process. They had a private coordinator as well, but she was pretty well useless. Ours didn't even know she existed until the rehearsal.
The bride had demanded all kinds of free stuff during the planning. Now, I have no problem doing a wine tasting to go with the food tasting. However, if you come back three times to try the same free samples, I'm not playing ball anymore. You're paying for it at that point. You and the five people with you. Fast forward to the rehearsal.
We have regular dinner service going on in our dining room for our (rather exclusive) members. Renting the ballroom for a day does not entitle you to take over the entire clubhouse. The bridal party are drinking, yelling, cursing, and being generally ugly all over the grounds. Nothing was right, according to the private coordinator who had never seen the space before this.
Everything had to be moved. "What do you mean your covered terrace can't accommodate 250 people for the ceremony without an extra tent?" "I was told the dance floor would be by THOSE windows, not these". "We absolutely cannot let anyone into the ballroom until after the ceremony, so I don't care that the terrace is only accessible through it, make them all walk around the building through the wet grass".
This whole time, the bridal party is getting louder and drinking more. The little old ladies trying to eat poached salmon in peace are obviously annoyed. Father of the bride has set up a provisional account to pay for the wedding, since we don't accept cash or cards, only accounts. The bridal party knows the account number, and we've been told to put everything on it by our managers, as long as the person ordering knows the number.
You can see where this is going. He didn't see it that night, but he argued every single drink when the bill came. Even the 18-year-old scotch that he alone was drinking. Okay, enough of the day before. On to the main event. Most of this day I was on the periphery, since I was working on the other end of the building. This is the end they weren't supposed to be on, except the bride and bridesmaids, since their dressing room was on that side.
I could still hear pretty much everything that was happening, and saw way more than I should have. As guests arrived, they were directed around the outside, as per the request. The mother of the bride freaks out because OF COURSE they didn't want HER side of the family to have to go that way. They need to be allowed to walk through the active dining room and around the other side where the golf course is.
At this point, the groom and groomsmen are getting positively sloshed in the men's locker room, which our members are still using as well. Bridesmaids have moved out of the ladies' locker room and are rampaging through the members' bar. And by that I mean that we caught them multiple times pouring drinks behind the bar while the bartenders were getting their bar ready in the ballroom.
They had the same move every time of, "Oh, gosh, how did this bottle get in my hand and why is it suddenly half empty? Haha, silly me!" The ceremony goes well enough, considering basically everyone standing up front could barely stand. You may be asking how we let it get to that point. Well, they had snuck in a lot of drinks. I mean, a lot...
Highlights of the reception: The bride is cursing. A lot. I don't think one sentence came out of her mouth without a variant of a swear word. During hors d'oeuvres, the maid of honor comes out of the locker room and informs me that it "needs attention". You know, the room where only they had been for the last three hours because they had scared off all the members already.
It shouldn't have been my job, but the attendant had gone home early due to an emergency, so I figured I would take a look. I was horrified at what I saw. I came right back out to get every manager I could find. I even cleared the coast so our chef could come look after he saw my reaction. It was, quite simply, disgusting.
The small wastebasket was overflowing because they had put a bunch of stuff on top of the nice big covered one and then forgot about it. Part of the overflow was a used tampon. There are separate baskets in the stalls for those. Dirty panties, about 10 empty champagne bottles, everything a normal person would put aside or throw away just sat wherever it had fallen.
I removed the trash (with gloves on) and didn't touch one thing that was personal. I should have thrown out a lot more. About 1.5 hours in, the bride asks the bartender what Black people drink, so she can get something to give to the band. When she is told we don't serve the band drinks due to liability, she flips out. More cursing.
How dare we not do exactly what she wants? Do we know how much she is paying for this? Not nearly as much as a lot of our members pay for theirs, I can tell you. Her new husband manages to somewhat calm her down eventually. By this point, all of the guests are so loud and obnoxious and not staying on their end of things that we call in extra security just to stand at all access points and wrangle them.
Remember all those "hidden” drinks? About two hours into the reception, the security guard nearest to the men's restroom hears an awful noise from inside. Goes to investigate and finds a broken urinal and an empty handle of Jack Daniels. Time for cake! This can't go wrong can it? Oh, it does go wrong. Wifey smears cake on the lower half of Hubby's face.
Haha! So cute! Hubby puts tiny dollop of icing on end of Wifey's nose. "OH MY GAWD!! HOW DARE YOU DO THAT?! YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING!!" (Paraphrased. It went on waaay longer than that). She proceeds to go literally running through the entire clubhouse and most of the surrounding grounds screaming at the top of her lungs.
As it was a nice night, many of our members were enjoying the patio off the dining room. One member in particular had been listening to the hubbub, and asked me the names of the couple. I had to laugh when I remembered that he's a prominent divorce lawyer. I, jokingly, asked if he wanted me to pass out his card. He, very seriously, said yes.
The party was shut down two hours early. Officers were informed of potential drivers (who shouldn't be driving) leaving the property. The bridal party were staying in rental houses on club grounds, so our security escorted them back. You'd think that would be the end. But, alas, no. I did not witness the next day's meeting, but I gather it involved a lot of apologies from the groom, and a lot more angry words for everyone from the bride.
Plus debates about the bar bill from dear old dad, because they could not possibly have had three kegs in that short of a time. He was right, sorry for the mistake, we should have charged for the fourth tapped keg. About a week later, we were informed of an investigation claiming that one of our staff had taken the bride's laptop.
For maybe two weeks, we were randomly called by the local authorities with updates on the case. Then she found it in the trunk of her car, where it had been the entire time, because they used a club-owned laptop to play their slideshow. Which she had tried to walk out with. I think that's the whole story. I probably blocked some stuff out. Except there’s one last twist.
We think the original coordinator did this to us on purpose. She didn't leave under the best terms, and confirming the booking was one of the last things she did. She must have known it would go like this.
8. Be Careful What You Wish For
Retired Master Seamstress checking in. This wasn’t a Bridezilla but a Momzilla. I was making her daughter a custom bias-cut gown and had limited fitting time because the bride lived one state over. Now, bias-cut gowns are the devil to begin with. We (mom and I) would work on details between fittings. I would say our working relationship got very frosty.
Each time the bride came for a fitting, she lost weight. Tape measures don't lie. And she was not a big girl to begin with. Mom would scream that her daughter did not lose any weight. After the third fitting, third fight, and the third rebuild of a very complicated gown, I finished it and told them to take the gown and do what they wanted with it.
It was gorgeous but hung loose. The girl lost over 3" over the course of 7-8 weeks. I lost hours of my life, and the $ for the work.
9. Music To My EarsFile:Frank Sinatra (1957 studio portrait photograph).jpg ... commons.wikimedia.org
I was at the wedding of an ex-boyfriend several years ago and he had planned and practiced singing a Frank Sinatra song to his new wife. He went up and took the mic and, with the band backing him up, began singing the song. His new wife suddenly stomped across the dance floor and up on the stage, grabbed the mic from him, and said, "I HATE that song and I don't want to hear it". They were divorced about a year later.
10. Every Rose Has Its Thorn
I’m a florist. We had this psycho bridezilla and her mother show up at 9 am. They wanted to order a bridal bouquet, a mother of the bride orchid corsage, a boutonniere for the groom, and six smaller ones for the groomsmen. But there was just one thing. The wedding was scheduled for noon. Yep, three hours from then, and they wanted them ready by the time they were done with their makeup appointment at the beauty parlor a few doors down.
The bride was flipping through the sample book and pointing out the style and flowers she wanted. Think garden roses with long sweeping trails of stephanotis and variegated ivy, all three of which would require at least a week's advanced order with our suppliers. She was absolutely gobsmacked that we didn't carry extremely expensive and highly perishable flowers at all times.
Same with the orchid for the mom's corsage. My boss told them that since they didn't place an order beforehand they would be limited to what we had in stock, and simple styles that could be assembled quickly. The bride and her mom kept pointing at the book and arguing that we should have those specific flowers in stock.
My boss eventually took the book off the desk and tossed it behind the counter. The bride vacillated between tears and petulant whining that we were going to ruin her big day. My boss, who had a bone-deep loathing for brides in general, told her she had ruined her own day by not ordering her flowers before her actual wedding day.
The mom tried chewing out my boss for her lack of customer service skills. My boss told her that she was welcome to go down the street to Vons and ask their flower department to make their order with whatever they had in stock. The mom said she'd do just that, and reassured the bride that she'd have her flowers done by the time her appointment was over.
Both women stormed out. I figured that was that, but I was so wrong. My boss told me and the other girl to start on six simple corsages. Meanwhile, she threw together a ribbon-wrapped bridal bouquet with some white roses that were nearly past their prime and some. Sure enough, 20 minutes later the mother slunk back in and meekly asked if we were still able to assemble what they needed.
We did. We also charged her a very large rush fee.
11. All For Naught
I worked for a wedding photographer. This one wedding had this wonderful couple, and they seemed made in heaven. Their wedding album WITHOUT pictures cost two thousand dollars. This thing was made from mirrored glass, and weighed a ton. It was my job to order a bunch of 8x10s that the bride wanted to use in the album. This was actually a nightmare.
This album had no protective sleeves, so every single picture had to be sprayed with a chemical coating and left to dry, in a dust-free area. If it did not dry with a smooth, dust-free finish, I had to remove the chemical coating and try again. I spent most of that week in a tiny closet-sized room, in full respirator mask and protective gloves, spraying those pictures.
But my God, I have to say, it was the best job I’ve ever done. When done, this couple spent over $5,000 on that one album. It was GORGEOUS!....and they divorced before the year was up.
12. Ring Her Upsilver and gold analog watch Photo by Zetong Li on Unsplash
I used to be a "Bridal Consultant" at a retail store, which basically means I helped couples scan things onto their registry, although the training for it just meant I knew how to use the scanner and the computer, and my actual job had nothing to do with bridal shopping. This one couple came in to start a new registry, which quickly turned into only things the bride wanted.
Anything the groom wanted to put down on the registry was deemed as "childish, stupid, ugly, unpractical, never-going-to-be-used". I was cringing during the entire appointment. She also kept asking for my input or opinion on everything, and I felt so bad for this guy. His bride-to-be seemed so selfish and entitled, and I couldn't believe the fact that he was soon to be married to this woman.
The poor man just wanted a waffle maker, who doesn't want waffles?!
13. Not My First Rodeo
I used to work at a jewelry store. This young guy, about college age, came in one day to look at engagement rings. He was very polite and asking good questions. You could tell he’d been considering this for some time. As I’m helping him and showing him some rings in his budget, she walks in. She’s wearing a t-shirt from the high school senior class from the previous year, and she comes over by him.
“Oh my God, were you seriously considering that ring??? Ugh. It’s so ugly. Besides, it looks just like my LAST engagement ring". How I wish I could have told him to dump her, run for the hills, and don’t look back.
14. Don’t Judge A Cake By Its Cover
I’m a baker here. I wasn't present for the freakout, but it was my fault so...A few months back, I had a bride who wanted a navy to white ombre cake made with white sponge. Now, dark, rich colors like that in white cake SUCK. They always taste terrible because they have so much gel coloring in them to get them just the right color.
However, you can do it OK if they're willing to have the dark layers be chocolate. Navy is especially easy, thanks to blue velvet. I tell her this when we're planning. "But I want white cake!" She says. I tell her I'll do all but the last few in white sponge. She agrees, and I make the darn thing and drop it off. I come back to pick up the staging stuff the next day, and make an awful discovery.
I find my whole freaking cake sitting there. Apparently, when they cut into the thing and fed it to each other, she freaked out over it being chocolate, and refused to let any of the cake be served. Apparently, she forgot that she had agreed to have the bottom tier have two layers of blue velvet, so she threw a massive temper tantrum over “the cake being wrong".
Apparently, she kept talking about how I ruined her wedding, then locked herself in the bridal suite. If she wouldn't have been a little psychopath and let the staff cut the cake like they should have, she would've seen that 90% of the cake was white sponge like she wanted.
15. Sibling Rivalrybaby crawling on bed Photo by Picsea on Unsplash
I worked at a high-end bridal shop in my early 20s. One day, I had a bride-to-be shopping for a gown. She had brought her mom, aunt, and sister (who had just become a new mom) with her to her appointment. The sister was obviously a little jealous that attention was no longer being lavished on her and her new baby, and instead the bride was the new the center of attention.
As I was fitting the bride in a $2,000 gown, the sister decided to change her newborn’s diaper in the dressing room and proceeded to hold the poop-filled diaper up to the gold-hued gown and exclaim, “Look, the colors almost match!” I excused myself from the room for fresh air and to regain my composure. In my experience, the brides were rarely the problem—the family was!
16. The Polish Princess
I worked at a mom and pop bridal shop. We had a bride who was Polish, leading my boss to call her “the Polish princess". She wasn't my bride, but they picked a very bad consultant for her. This was made worse by the fact that this girl wanted stuff added to her dress that wasn’t done by the manufacturer, so we had to do it all in-house.
To give you an example, she wanted lights all around the bottom half of a dress that we had already spliced with two different dresses. Side note: my boss loved anything that meant money. Anyway, we spent months fixing and refitting this dress because she not only lost 45 pounds from her first time being measured, she also got plastic surgery on her chest.
Well, after finally fitting her into her gown, on the last week she decided the lights that took our poor 70-year-old seamstress two months to sew in looked tacky. She was crying and throwing herself at her mother in a tantrum, screaming in Polish. She then ripped the bottom of the dress and ultimately had to buy a dress from David's Bridal because my boss finally got smart and kicked her out.
Just a mess. She made our seamstress cry!!!!! The witch.
17. It’s Not What It Looks Like
Not 30 minutes ago, I had someone accuse our deaf tailor of recording her on his phone as she tried on dresses and walked around in them...Uh, no. He was Facetiming his wife as he walked through the store. When she found out the truth, she was very embarrassed, but not enough to apologize to any of us for screaming through the store.
18. A Modern Romeo And Julietblack and yellow no smoking sign Photo by Noah Holm on Unsplash
I work at a hotel that does a huge amount of wedding business, and we had an engagement shower, with the plan being that the couple would be having the wedding with us as well. This involved the bride-to-be and, to an extent, her mother. We knew there were going to be issues because neither the bride or groom ever smiled.
The bride was always complaining about how the groom was "wishy-washy" with picking a date, while he was always silent. The mother of the bride was your stereotypical Brooklyn Jewish Mother and had her hand in EVERYTHING to make sure things were perfect for her little princess. Well, the engagement party starts, and everyone except for the couple seem to be having a great time.
Then, halfway through the party, we suddenly heard the girl scream at her fiancé "WE WILL NEVER HAVE A CHRISTMAS TREE IN MY HOUSE, SO YOU CAN GET OVER IT!!!!" And from there it devolved into a shouting match between the couple, who moved from the banquet room to the lobby so their "guests" couldn't hear the argument. (Didn't work. They heard everything).
Apparently, she was Jewish and he was Protestant and not once in their relationship had they discussed religion. They went at it on and off for two hours. She was screaming at the top of her lungs about how their (non-existent) children would be raised Jewish, and how his traditions didn't matter. Her mother was standing at her side, nodding in agreement, and interjecting occasionally with a "that's right" or "you tell him".
The groom was pleading for her to at least compromise to let him at least invite his pastor from his hometown for the wedding, and said that their (non-existent) children could possibly do things with his parents for Christmas, even if they didn't celebrate. The guests just kept partying, pretending nothing was happening, but you could see on all of their faces that they wanted to leave.
Only, well, they couldn't since they would have to pass by the couple to get to the only exit. Only after two hours and the argument eventually devolving into her INSISTING her children would never see a Christmas tree in their whole lives, the groom finally dejectedly said, "Well then maybe this isn't going to work".
She threw her ring at him and said, I swear to god, "THEN WHY DID YOU LET ME MAKE YOU PROPOSE?!?!?!?!?!?!" She then changed her mind, picked up the ring, and said, "Whatever. I'm keeping this". Then she stormed off. Her mother looked at her ex-potential-son-in-law, told him he was an idiot for letting her baby go, and went after her.
I've NEVER seen a banquet room clear out so fast. Within 15 minutes, everyone was gone and it was a ghost town. From the looks of it, everyone took their "gifts" with them, too. Worse still, it was the former bride's family who had hosted and were staying at the hotel, so we spent the next two days "commiserating" with them about how awful the groom was as they moved their daughter out of his apartment.
Dude dodged a bullet.
19. The Mask Comes Off
Not a wedding shop worker, but I was at the wedding when it happened. As the bride was walking up the aisle in her dress, she tripped over her gown. And instead of just getting up and moving on, she let loose an absolute huge tantrum and started screaming at everyone. And then it got worse. When her dad tried to console her, she just slugged her dad in the face.
Then she started just throwing stuff everywhere, screaming about this wreck of a day and screaming about hurting the tailor for making the dress too long. She just lost it and proceeded to rip up her own dress and run out of the church half-dressed into the rain. I mean, I know the stress is high but oh my god, she lost her freaking mind.
20. Too Much Of A Good Thing
Bridal consultant here! My most memorable appointment was a party that showed up completely sheets-to-the-wind. It wasn't unusual for bridal parties to have a little "tailgate" style party in our parking lot before coming into our store. Often they'd have mimosas or a shot or two to loosen up before the scary gown search.
This party, however, must have finished a full bottle between the five of them. They didn't appear too sloppy when we first got started, but about half an hour into the appointment it was pretty obvious that they were way too gone to be in the setting they were in. I had to prop the bride up with her nose in the corner of her fitting room to lace her corsets because she couldn't stand.
Each time we stepped out onto the stage, the bridesmaids would scream, Beatlemania style, until they were red in the face. Eventually, my manager came to me and said, very sternly, "Sell to this girl and get. them. out of here". The appointment ended when she fell for a gown $700 over budget, her most tipsy bridesmaid swiped her own credit card to cover it, and then one of them sprayed a brown bodily fluid of some kind over our ENTIRE toilet.
21. My Plate’s Fullperson holding clear wine glass Photo by Davey Gravy on Unsplash
I’m a restaurant manager. The wedding dinner was on a Sunday, so instead of the usual one manager on, we had the banquet coordinator come on for a few hours to make sure everyone was happy. They were a rich couple and we wanted more of their business. Their menu was $119 a person and they had $80 bottles of red on the table.
So guests start to arrive and obviously start ordering drinks. At this point, the bride and mother see this and approach the head server. They tell her that everyone except the head table are to get separate bills, and that they are not planning on paying for anything but what's at the head table. Server finds us, tells us what's happening, and the banquet manager heads over to figure out what's going on.
It seems that the bride and her mother decided that their guests should have to pay, but they didn't want to be the bad guys so they expected us to have to tell the guests. We tell the people who have already arrived. Half of them laugh, thinking it's a joke. Once we told them it really was the truth, they laughed and left. My job became to stay at the front and tell all the people arriving for the dinner that they are going to be responsible for their whole bill, and what the costs were.
The final guest count was 20 people, and we ended up threatening court action against the family since they signed the banquet sheet stating that they agreed on 60 dinners. So the best part of this all was that they paid for the full 60 dinners, plus gratuity, and only had 20 people actually there, all because they wanted to save some money.
22. If The Shoe Fits
My experience with a Bridezilla happened at my great aunt's house. She has a private lake and a lovely setup for a small, country-style outdoor wedding. The mother of the groom was a close friend of hers, so my aunt was happy to open up her home for the event. I got the feeling leading up to the wedding that the groom's family didn't care much for the bride, and after witnessing her throwing a temper tantrum over the placement of the food table because it started to rain, I kind of started to see why.
Listening to the way she talked to everyone around her appalled me. She was a complete spoiled brat, and really was lucky that everyone didn't just leave the wedding completely...I wouldn't have blamed them a bit. However, the worst was the fact that she decided that she wanted her bridesmaids to walk barefoot...in the muddy, wet grass.
See, she had them buy new boots to wear specifically with their dresses. Anyone who has ever bought cowboy boots knows that they are upwards of $100, and she picked out pink ones to match their pink dresses. All five of the bridesmaids had to buy these boots on top of whatever they had to pay for the dress. But she decides 10 minutes before the wedding starts that she doesn't want them to wear them.
Of course, everyone complies with her and pacifies her and the wedding goes well. Although it got pretty tense during the "speak now or forever hold your peace" part. Not surprised to hear that the marriage didn't make it to six months. She was the most selfish person I've ever met, and I'm convinced that she didn't want to get married at all, she just wanted all the attention on her.
23. Daddy’s Little Girl
I worked as a banquet server at a ritzy, riverfront hotel. People come from all over to have expensive overpriced weddings. So needless to say, many of our brides were Bridezillas to some extreme. Our summer season is very expensive. Usually, our local brides only get married there in the off-season to save some of their cash.
One local bride that I will forever remember, however, went absolutely crazy. Before the wedding even started, one groomsman left because he couldn’t stand her demands. We were all in the ballroom setting up as we normally do. At this particular wedding, the bride had a wedding planner who set the centerpieces, which were a pretty general country theme.
The bride storms in, literally has a temper tantrum that they are not right because the candle was supposed to be on the left and not the right. We fix it no problem even though it was not us but her wedding planner who set them. Now, you’d think that would be all…but no. One of her bridesmaids lost her bouquet right before the ceremony.
Instead of troubleshooting, she completely berates and humiliates her bridesmaid. Then starts stomping her feet and saying, “Dadddddyyyyy” like a two-year-old. This was over and over again. To her, every little detail was wrong in some way, shape, or form. Needless to say, I was so glad I wasn’t responsible for the bride and groom’s table that day.
24. Picture Imperfectman in black suit holding black nikon dslr camera Photo by Natilyn Photography on Unsplash
As someone who has done a fair amount of wedding photography, one particular Bridezilla stands out for me. She abhorred the engagement photos and insisted that I must have used a warped lens or something that made her look fat. She readily admitted that her fiancé, who was standing right next to her in the photos, looked fine and normal, but there absolutely had to be lens distortion or something else that made her look significantly heavier than she really was.
That was awesome. I waived the fee for the engagement shoot and scheduled another at no cost to see if I could placate her. I recommended colors for her to wear that would “compliment her skin tone” and scheduled the second shoot for the golden hour where the light would be most complimentary, since she had insisted on the first shoot being at noon.
Two days after the second shoot, I delivered the photos and she was content enough to agree that I could be honored enough to be their wedding photographer. We (my assistant and I) get to the wedding location an hour early. We took literally hundreds of shots of pre-wedding preparations, all of the family shots that could be done with the family who actually showed up on time, and everything else that was agreed upon.
We shot the wedding as discussed. After the formal ceremony, we continued to shoot more casual shots, cake cutting, first dance, the reception, and everything else that was agreed upon. At that point, the dinner was being served. Again, as previously agreed upon, I wasn't going to shoot a bunch of people jamming food into their faces and it was time for a break anyway.
Her mother, who was actually the one paying me, invited myself and my assistant to discreetly grab a plate of food and sit at the back of the reception area and relax for a few minutes. The bridezilla came completely unglued at that point. She stood up and literally shrieked that “the photographer isn't here to eat, he's here to take photos and make me look good!"
The entire clubhouse went silent and all eyes turned to me. I set my fork down, glanced at the Bridezilla's mother, and then back at the entire ballroom and mumbled through an apology that wasn't warranted but somehow seemed necessary. Then I got my revenge. I proceeded to aim my camera directly at the fat witch while she chewed every last bite of her meal and jammed seemingly endless desserts into her maw.
Shortly thereafter, her mother and brand new regretful husband approached me and suggested that despite our contract to shoot through the duration of the reception, it might be better if I go ahead and call it a night. So I left. Very happily, I might add. The next day, as I was starting to do post-production edits on the photos, the psycho called me.
She screamed about how there was no way they were paying for the photos (that she hadn't even seen yet) and that she was going to call the local TV station to make sure I never got work again. "Ok," I said, "I understand you're upset. Please enjoy your honeymoon and we can discuss this later". And I guess I kind of hung up on her.
Half an hour later, her mother called me. She assured me that the bill would be paid in full and apologized profusely for how her daughter acted. I got paid in full. EVERYONE in the family was perfectly happy with the wedding photos except the Bridezilla. Her mother thanked me for my patience. Her husband thanked me for my tolerance.
And I thanked the powers-that-be that I'd never have to see or deal with the atrocious with again.
25. Dance Like Everyone’s Watching
I was the DJ for a wedding where the bride, who was from a very wealthy family, was not expected to live past childhood. Imagine, if you will, a girl who was raised having never heard the word "no". Her entire childhood was one big Make-a-Wish. She had a zest for life. She loved to dance, so much so that her parents were building her a giant lake house with a disco club; like a room just for dancing.
She was marrying a man several years her senior who she met at a dance class. He was just like a character out of a movie who charms older women and then takes their fortunes, except this was a much younger woman. The request list for the wedding reception was a lot of early 90s high-energy dance music. After dinner, and I've done this hundreds of times, dancing starts.
I decided to kick off dancing with the bride's favorite song, which was Technotronic’s “Pump up the Jam". Until this moment, I had nothing but pleasant interactions with this woman, who genuinely seemed to appreciate life for how precious it truly is. Before the beat could even drop, however, she was running over to me screaming, tearing into me for ruining her wedding.
It was a spectacle and the guests watched in horror as she berated me. Apparently, she wasn't ready to dance yet, and I was playing the song that she was most looking forward to dancing to on her wedding day. I was forced to stop the song cold and the only sound was her screaming as I fumbled to find some cocktail music to throw on until she was ready to dance.
At the end of the night, most brides come up and hug me and thank me for a wonderful night. I didn't get so much as an icy stare; it was as if I didn't even exist to her anymore. Her father came up and gave me a $400 gratuity. His words offered a simple apology, but you could tell they carried the weight of the monster he'd created.
26. A Match Made In Heaven
I use to be a photographer’s assistant back in high school. I remember this one bride before the wedding kept yelling at my boss about me helping with photos as she didn’t want some “stupid kid” to ruin her wedding photos. She also kept calling her soon-to-be husband, berating him. I ended up getting sent to do the groom’s photos while my boss handled the bridezilla.
As soon as I walked into the room where the groom and his friends were getting ready, I almost puked because it smelled like a distillery. The guy was on the phone with the bridezilla on speaker while drinking and shaking his head. I could barely walk through the room with all the bottles on the floor and suitcases everywhere. Yeah, I don’t think they’re gonna make it.
27. When It Rains, It Poursphoto of body of water and droplets Photo by Alex Dukhanov on Unsplash
Photographer here. The couple opted for an outdoor wedding with no weather backup option and, lo and behold, it started pouring literally five minutes before the ceremony. The guests and groom ran for cover under the reception tent. After it didn't let up, the groom made a mad dash to the door of the RV the bride was getting ready in, because she nor any of the bridesmaids were answering their phones.
She made the poor guy stand outside in the pouring rain while she screamed and cussed that she was NOT getting married under the tent and everyone would just have to wait until it stopped raining. This was the middle of July, so even the rain was hot and sticky, and there were a lot of elderly family members with health issues in attendance sitting in 80-degree heat for over an hour.
The cake had also started melting. I honestly wasn't sure if the wedding was going to happen at one point, but it eventually stopped raining and the bride married her soaked groom and ate wedding cake soup.
28. Tailor-Made For Each Other
I work at David's Bridal. Most of the times...it's not the bride. It's a mother of the bride or maid of honor. I work in alterations, and believe me, it takes more than one appointment to get things perfect. So one day, this bride comes in for her second appointment for us to do any adjustments. Predictably, she needed a couple of things adjusted.
Her mother told me I ruined her daughter's marriage. Not wedding...but marriage. All I could think was that if needing to adjust something on your dress and having to come back for one more appointment makes you think someone ruined your perfect life with someone...well...good luck to her groom. I don’t want to be near those two.
29. Hey Mr. DJ
I’m a photographer. During more than a dozen years in this business, I've had almost nothing but fantastic clients, real sweethearts, and consider myself lucky. Almost. The exception was a New York bride who was so angry because it rained cats and dogs on her wedding day. I’m not sure if she understood I wasn't in charge of making the weather.
She had wanted to take golf carts to the beach with the wedding party to do fun photos there, but that clearly didn't happen. Her foul mood spoiled a bit of the wedding. Good thing everyone else still appeared to be having a good time regardless. She managed to stay (barely) polite to her vendors, but weeks later she unleashed on me.
I had delivered, among I don't know how many hundreds of photos, two shots of the DJ. She calculated that those photos, based on my fee, had cost her $14, and was almost comically displeased about that. She also flipped her wig because, she told me angrily, she'd observed me eating a few canapés during the reception—and at three dollars apiece, how did I not understand those were not intended for the hired help!
I offered to refund her $23 and inquired where she wanted me to send the check. At that point, she calmed down a bit, possibly realizing how ridiculous she was being, and then volunteered that maybe she was being a bit irrational at the moment...because she was pregnant. Of course, I offered my congratulations. She grudgingly told me to keep the check.
I did put a baby gift (a silver rattle) in the mail to her a few weeks later. I hope she and her husband and the baby lived happily ever after!
30. If The Shoe Fitspair of men's brown leather loafers Photo by Jia Ye on Unsplash
I’m not a bridal worker, but I stood up in a friend's wedding. Less than 48 hours before the wedding, the bride suddenly decided that the shoes that came with our tuxes weren't to her liking. She wanted me and the groom to go to various stores and get some “better” shoes for the big day. My friend, the groom-to-be, was totally stressed out with all the various loose ends he had to tie up before the wedding.
Including, apparently, trying to find different shoes. Fortunately, I was able to talk some sense into him. I told him first that there just wasn't enough time to go shoe shopping and second, there are only four basic types of dress shoes for guys: shiny or not shiny, with laces or without. Finally, I said that no one cares what kind of shoes the groom and groomsmen wear.
He came to his senses and was able to persuade his now-wife that new shoes were unnecessary.
31. It’s A Doggone Shame
I work for a wedding venue, and the couple wanted to bring their dogs for the ceremony. The day of the wedding, everyone working has a list of jobs to do to get ready for the big day. All of my fellow employees are setting up everything, so the couple's families can get ready and relax. We set out the chairs, decorations, flowers, tables, silverware, the dining room, the Arbor, EVERYTHING!!
The only thing they had to do was hold onto the dogs. Spoiler: They didn't. We finished everything on the inside in the morning, and we were almost done finishing everything outside, when we all hear a massive crash on the inside of our massive event room. It was the dogs. One had started with the wedding cake and accompanying artsy cupcakes.
The other moved into (on top of) the beverages tables where they broke around 80 flutes, 60 stemless glasses, and around 120ish glasses, along with four crystal punch bowls and all the accompanying liquids. And they did it all within a few seconds. Needless to say, the bride and groom’s "handler" was their 15-year-old nephew.
This boy, in his eternal wisdom, thought that he would let them run around a bit before the wedding. When the bride walked out of the changing rooms and down the hall to see the noise, she was not happy at the sight of the horrors that took place. She lost her mind, blaming us for everything, screaming, “Why did you let the dogs into the room?” etc etc.
She said she didn't care how, but to get this all ready before the reception or she would sue us for all we were worth. We took the "I don't care how" to heart. We called every business within a 10-mile radius and bought, borrowed, bartered, and did everything we could. All the glasses, all the wine, the drinks. I was in charge of driving the boss’s car to the nearest bakery and forcing the bakery to make a serviceable wedding cake with everything they had.
I was a little late on bringing the cake back, but everything else had been cleaned, reset, and back to its former glory before the wedding ceremony was over. After the night was over and the bride and groom left, we gave everything back we borrowed, boxed up what we bought, and started shelling out the favors. We tallied up all the damages the dogs had caused and what the wedding cost.
It was in the five-digit range. The couple was understandably angry at the bill, so they did indeed sue…they lost. And to my knowledge, they are still leaving 1-star reviews on every rating website out there for us.
32. Get A Room
I worked management at a resort in a popular tourist town. When weddings are booked at our venue with the event coordinator, we can hold a certain number of rooms for guests attending. A manager was always required to check in the bridal couple, and I had been given a heads up by the coordinator that this particular bride was a Bridezilla.
First, they wanted a room on the highest floor and closer to the beach. Thing is, they were already booked into the Honeymoon Suite, which was on the third floor with ocean views. Nope, she wanted higher and closer. Had an absolute meltdown at the front desk when I explained there was nothing higher...or closer. I mean, really.
A colleague of mine ran for the event coordinator when the bride started screaming at me and her husband-to-be. The husband was very apologetic and trying to calm her down. Eventually, she was placated and sent off with keys, but fewer than 30 minutes later she was back and demanding we empty the rooms next to and below her.
Honey, those rooms cost $640 a night and we are fully booked! I was lucky enough to not be working the night of the wedding, but I heard all about her screaming at the wait staff, kicking the band out for playing a song she didn’t like, and the screaming match she got into with her mother-in-law. What a peach! All counted up, the wedding was about $40,000 and she made everyone miserable.
The groom left our front desk staff a big tip to apologize for her behavior.
33. The Water Worksassorted flower bouquet near flower shop Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash
I own a gift shop and I also sell flowers. It's in a small hospital so we don't do too many flowers. Usually, it’s just small arrangements because our customers generally don't want to spend over 20 bucks. One day, one of the women who works at the hospital asked us if we would make a bridal bouquet for her future daughter-in-law.
We decided we would do it just for her. We made this beautiful bouquet exactly how she wanted it, and even added some extra embellishments. She picked it up the day before the wedding and I told her to just gently spray water from a spray bottle on it to keep it hydrated. I even demonstrated how to do it. The mother-in-law came in the next Monday and told me something awful.
Apparently, the night before the wedding the bride had literally sat the bouquet in the sink and drenched it with water which obviously ruined it. The bride wanted to demand a refund but the mother-in-law told her no because it was her own fault. So yeah, after that one I probably won't work with brides again. Too high strung.
34. The Mother Of All Insults
Not a wedding shop, but we sold kitchenware. Think china, cookware, etc. It was like a Williams Sonoma store. The bride, mother of the bride, and mother of the groom were all shopping and filling out the wedding registry list. The groom’s mom was pointing to an item and said something to the bride. The mother of the bride turned to the other mother and snapped, “Your job is to shut up and wear blue".
We placed bets on if that marriage would last.
35. A Wandering Eye
I worked at a church that had weddings in the DC area. The worst bride I dealt with was part of an insanely rich couple. They showed up in a Lamborghini, I think, and the groom kept asking if it was safe to park the car out front. I think he was just trying to show off the car, and he also wondered if his father's Bentley would be safe in the alley behind the church.
We were in DC, so he was lucky we had any parking at all. Then the bride was walking around talking about all the extravagant things she was wanting for the wedding, and pointing to things saying, "This will never do". The worst thing was that every time the bride turned her back, the groom kept on staring at my chest.
It was strange. His bride looked like a supermodel, and he was very good-looking himself; I don't know why he had to sleaze on church workers. After that and other demanding people, I told the church I don't want to do weddings, so now volunteers for the church do it.
36. A Bull In A China Shopwoman standing inside clothing area Photo by Korie Cull on Unsplash
Do Groomzillas count? I used to work as a bridal registry consultant for a big department store. I had several nightmare couples and family members, but I always think of this one guy. The bride was pleasant enough and very polite. She expressed great excitement when discussing the plans for the wedding, while the groom just seemed bored.
She was very excited to pick out fine china— and that’s when the groom snapped. He yelled at her and called her an idiot, then told her that there was no need for expensive things like that. He said they would never use them, while she insisted that she would find reasons to use them so they wouldn’t go to waste. She also said that her family insisted on her picking a pattern and they would all chip in to get the set.
She was nice enough and patient enough with this jerk that she even kept asking him what he liked. Well, the groom didn't like anything and kept yelling at her, telling her that she was "wasting his time" and that she was stupid. It was getting really uncomfortable at that point. I tried to intervene as much as I could, but this groom was complete scum.
Eventually, he stormed off and I tried to keep everything light-hearted and happy for the bride. I hope she didn't go through with that wedding.
37. Horsing Around
I worked for a small regional newspaper. It must have been a quiet week for stories, so my editor sends me off to cover the wedding of the son of one of our biggest advertisers. I make contact with the family to get details, and get told to meet them at a carpark behind the community hall, as the bride would be riding a horse up the main street to the quaint little stone Anglican church (how romantic! swoon).
So I get there and here's the bride in a massive, poofy, white fairy princess dress. The bride had to hoist the dress up to her armpits to get on the horse and ride with it bunched around her hips with her legs from the knee down poking out beneath. Apparently the decision to ride was a rather last-minute one. But what's this? There are two horses!
It seems the mother-of-the-bride wanted some of the attention cough I mean, she wanted to be part of her daughter's special day. So the mother is in a lovely lilac jacket, white blouse...and a very tight knee-length skirt. The sort of skirt that makes walking hard, let alone stepping up to a stirrup or swinging your leg over a saddle.
Oh, and huge stiletto heels that she refused to take off, even to get on the horse. The mother ended up having to roll her skirt up to her belt and get two hefty blokes to hoist her onto the horse. Then roll her skirt back down enough so she could tuck it under her butt and not be flashing her knickers up the main street. And away they went.
It was early afternoon in a pretty touristy town, so the echo of clip-clopping hooves brought everyone out of cafes and shops for a look. Took some very creative photography to cover that disaster discretely!
38. Don’t Bug Me
My brother and sister-in-law used to own a bakery, and wedding cakes were their primary moneymaker. If a couple had an outdoor wedding, we would always warn them that the cake needed a net around it to protect it from bugs. Most couples understood it and usually had a net around it, or else didn’t care. So anyway, this one bride wanted an extravagant wedding cake.
The middle section was a four-tier cake—two tiers on the bottom pillars with columns and two tiers on the top. Then she wanted four other sets of a four-tier cake that had stairs connecting the middle section. On the stairs were small dolls that were supposed to resemble the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Each cake was also a different flavor as well.
Oh but we’re not done yet. Then on the bottom, a waterfall. In short, this cake was ugly. The reception was also close to a creek, so that means lots of bugs. We strongly urged her to use a net around it. She declined. We also made her sign a waiver excluding us from any liability after the cake was dropped off. We have this wedding as our last drop-off as it was hot and we didn’t want the frosting to melt by sitting in the hot sun all day.
We also freeze the cakes a day or two before so by the time it’s ready to cut, the cake is de-thawed but the frosting is still intact. This is how it went downhill. We arrive to start assembling the cake and I noticed little tiny gnats already in the cake. We did a quick fix to eliminate the problem but alert the people there (again) that they needed something to protect the cake.
Again, by time it’s ready to serve, it will be covered in bugs. We show them the problem, but they didn’t seem to care. So whatever, she signed the waiver, we finished and left. Well, my sister-in-law gets a phone call around 8 pm that night with an angry bride. She wanted us to make and redecorate the exact cake and bring it to her within an hour.
There is no way in heck we would or could do that. Since I am better at customer service than my brother and his wife, she handed me the phone and I explained to the bride, “I feel your frustration in the matter, however, you were informed of the dangers of setting up a cake outside, in the country, with no protection".
I asked her if she had any more questions. She threw a big humph and hung up on me.
39. Won’t Somebody Think Of The Children?a couple of people that are standing in the grass Photo by Anthea Lawrence on Unsplash
I worked at a wedding venue in college. This isn't so much a Bridezilla story as it is just a bizarre...bizarre wedding. It was a 70-top, pretty small for our venue and banquet style, but this was actually less pressure on the servers. We basically just had to keep things running smoothly from ceremony to reception to send-off. It was an easy night for us…not for them.
First, they got married in our vineyard. One of the little kids was the ring-bearer and he dropped the ring. A few staff members were out for two hours searching through the brush for it, to no avail. We think one of the geese ate it. Next, the reception. It was closer to a daycare because more than half of that 70 headcount was children under 10.
The groom was super great with them, like maybe he was a teacher or something. The bride didn't interact with them at all, and overall seemed to have a lot of disdain for them. At one point, the groom even procured a guitar from somewhere and was having a sing-along on the floor with the kids. Meanwhile, the bride was just off eating her dinner alone at the little sweethearts' table.
Last, the cake. How it works: The bride and groom cut the cake out on the floor so everyone can get pictures and people cheer, then two servers bring the rest of the cake back to my station where we cut and dish out the rest of the slices for the guests. We separate the top of the cake and pack it for the bride and groom to take with them.
The intent is they share it on their first anniversary, as you guys probably know. Well, this cake went fast, because kids probably. So as we were finishing up the station and packing the top, groom comes back and tells us to cut the top. We double-check that is ok…turns out he went behind the bride's back because the kids wanted more cake.
She didn't look all too thrilled with her wedding day, or with the groom. I didn't see them interact all night, and sometimes I wonder if they are still together.
40. Family Feud
Wedding Officiant here. The bride was a wonderful young woman, albeit short, chubby, and slightly “frumpy". But a sweet girl and very happy, and very in love. The mom was just the opposite: tall, willowy, blonde, and overly made up. After the wedding, the mom showed up at the reception. Everyone looked at her and gasped all together.
She came in an extra-tight off-white dress. It was backless and with a thigh slit up to her waistline. She had stiletto heels that would have been more at home on the pole, not at a wedding. Once the wedding itself was over, the mom made it all about her. She was the first person on the dance floor, worked the room at the reception, and did table-to-table flirting with every man in the room (including me).
It was sad watching the bride slowly slip back into her shell, eclipsed by her mother. On her wedding day.
41. A Little To The Left
I used to cater wedding receptions in college. This momzilla shows up to the reception hall about 30 minutes before everyone is due to arrive. She thinks that one of the tables is too close to another table, and asks that we move it about five inches. Okay. But then of course all the OTHER tables are now too close, and she insists that we move every single table in the venue over five inches.
All 16 of them. We manage to scurry and move them, but you know what happens when you move 16 tables? Every single chair doesn't match the place setting now. We manage to move every single chair (over 160) right before the first guests arrive, never mind that it's taken up time we should have been prepping for guests by filling water pitchers, etc. and we're now behind.
Crazy mom THEN insists that every fork is slightly too close to every plate. We now politely tell her we won't be moving 160 forks—and she has a fit. Luckily, we stood our ground, and that mother did not get what she wanted that day.
42. The Writing’s On The Wallpeople hands with tattoes Photo by Vitaliy Lyubezhanin on Unsplash
So, I do Henna tattoos. Usually, I work a booth at either a theme park or fair, and occasionally I work at this little shop in the downtown area of where I live. I’m finishing up my shift at a local theme park when the lady at the shop calls me in a complete panic. A bridal party has come in with no warning, and not only does the bride want the full traditional wedding henna done, but she wants henna on her bridesmaids as well.
A total of 20 people who need hands and feet done, and the bride who wants hands, feet, and her back done in henna. I get to the shop and there are now two of us who can do the designs the bride has asked for. The bride takes one look at me and says she won’t let me do the henna for her or any of her party. I’m white. I currently have rainbow hair done up in a pixie cut. I also tend to give people the impression that I am gay.
So, after hearing this witch of a bride spout off about how a white girl can’t possibly do henna right, I point to the pictures in the example book—because they were all done by me. Then I took my happy butt home, turned my phone off, and had a nice nap before going to my other job. I later found out that the bride ended up storming out of the shop when she found out there simply was no way to do it.
I still wonder if she found someone to do it. The best part was, a lot of her wedding party were white girls as well, so I guess it’s okay for them to wear it but not for a white girl to know how to apply it.
43. Runaway Bride
I’m not a wedding shop worker, but I do have a pretty incredible Bridezilla story. My sister and I were asked to be bridesmaids by a mutual acquaintance. We both thought it was odd that she asked both of us and not someone closer to her, but either way, we planned a wonderful weekend in a resort town three hours away for her bachelorette party with the other two bridesmaids, who were her friends.
She started the weekend pouty and on her phone for most of the time. All in all, she seemed totally ungrateful for the good time we were trying to give her. Things got better when we broke out the hard stuff in our hotel room later. Then we saw a band at a bar, and there were other bridal parties there. She was fine for a while, dancing and having fun, until one of the other bridal parties sat down near us and started getting more attention.
They were all young cute girls and the band was flirting with them, guys were asking the bride to dance...and all of a sudden my bride sat down and began furiously texting on her phone. We asked what was wrong, and she would only say that she wasn’t having fun anymore and wanted to go home. We were all like, “Okay, let’s call a cab and go back to the hotel".
And she was like, “No, I want to go HOME". Which was three hours away. We were all drinking, so no one could drive her home. She storms out of the bar and begins calling people who none of us know to come and pick up her in the middle of the night because her fiancé isn’t answering his phone. She steadfastly refuses to get a cab; she says she’s going to stand in the parking lot for hours until someone picks her up.
She even made us miss a bus that could have driven us to the hotel for free because she simply refused to move. That was what made me snap. I screamed at her. I’ve never in my adult life screamed at another adult like that. I told her that she was going to get in a car and go back to the hotel, because we weren’t going to leave her out here all alone and we certainly weren’t going to stand in a bar parking lot for hours while she waited for someone to pick her up.
And she finally relented. We got into a cab and got back to the hotel. Bride is still texting, not speaking to any of us now because I yelled at her. When we got to the hotel, she refused to come inside. She stood in that awkward space between the two double doors and refused to move again. Myself and one of her friends went up to the room to pack her stuff, while my sister and the other friend stayed downstairs to make sure she didn’t bolt on us or something.
She finally got a hold of her fiancé, who agreed to drive down and fetch her. My sister said that when Bridezilla finally decided to talk, she witched about how she was mad at US because “we hadn’t helped her enough". I was livid. We’d gone to wedding expos with her, helped her pick out her dress, picked out our dresses, and we’d planned an entire weekend for her bachelorette party.
We spent hundreds of dollars to make her happy, but that wasn’t good enough for her. And while I was up in the hotel room gathering her stuff with her other friend, I learned the whole truth. She’s been previously married, had multiple foreclosures and court dates because of unpaid debts, and had two children she no longer had custody of—all things I had no idea about even though I’d known her for years.
I’m not sure if her fiancé knew it either! When her fiancé did arrive, she didn’t even greet or thank him. She just blew right past him and sat in his car. Her behavior was like a petulant teenager, and this woman was in her late 30s. It was unbelievable. But in the end, my sister and I bonded with the other two bridesmaids over the tumultuous situation, and now we’re friends. And the wedding was astoundingly uneventful. So I guess I’m happy with that!
44. Straight And Narrow
I’ve been DJing weddings for about 10 years. Most brides relax by the time I really get to work, and most of the time the groom is in charge of the music. So I don’t have too many stories—however, one bride was really, really into her wedding being symmetrical. She measured the entire room and wanted everything placed at the exact places she requested.
I had to measure the distance my table was from the wall and the other tables, I had to measure the distance my speakers were from each other and the dance floor. On the day, she was upset at me because I failed to inform her that I had lighting for the dance floor and she wished that she had time to determine where to place them.
45. Doomed From The Startperson holding orange fruit near green leaves Photo by S O C I A L . C U T on Unsplash
I am a florist, and I serviced a Bridezilla and groom without a hitch on my end. On their end? They had to go out of state to get married because they had protective orders against each other!
46. A Cake Walk
I once worked in a bakery, and we had this bride freak out that her cake wasn't right, and she proceeded to smash it to bits with her fist. Well, she smashed the wrong cake. Like what the heck. Anyways, the authorities allowed her to wash her hands before placing her in handcuffs. I felt bad for the future husband and the couple that ordered said cake. People are cray cray.
47. Photo Finish
Wedding band member here. I had a bride flip out at me and my bandmates because our instruments weren't white or salmon-colored to fit in with the decorations. She was saying we would ruin the photographs…even though I was playing during the reception and all the photos were already taken. A sunburst jazz bass, blue Stratocaster and a red drum set aren't going to ruin your pictures, darling.
48. This One Takes The Cakeperson holding ballpoint pen writing on white paper Photo by Marissa Grootes on Unsplash
I worked as a wedding planner and coordinator, and one bride stands out to me because she was so inconsistent with all the vendors. She was a complete sweetheart to me during the planning phase and I never saw any of the crazy until the day of the wedding. It was honestly like a Jekyll/Hyde moment. She wanted a big wedding, around 300 people, and spent a lot of money on the venue and food and wanted the best for everything.
No complaints about paying for it either, never asked for discounts or anything like that. And since she wanted the best and seemed to have a really large budget, I referred her to a popular baker for the cake. I let her handle the logistics for the cake since I've worked with this baker before and never had any problems. I figured they would do the standard cake tasting, pick a design with the baker, and I would see a gorgeous masterpiece on the day of the wedding.
Well, that didn't really work out. For some reason, she didn't want to tell the baker that it was for a wedding. I'm guessing she read that you can save money by ordering a regular cake because some vendors will automatically add an extra charge if it's for a wedding. By the way, this is true to some extent, but the extra charge truly is there for a reason.
Whenever something is for a wedding, the vendor puts in much more care, stresses about the timing, execution, etc. way more than usual, and often times will go all out and use premium materials or add upgrades. Not all of us are just adding extra charges for no reason. Anyways, she decided she didn't want to pay for a wedding cake so she told the baker it was for a birthday party.
The baker asked how many people the cake would need to serve and she said "around 50". She also didn't want to pay the delivery fee, so she had her sister pick up the cake on the morning of the wedding and bring it to the event. At this point, it's important to mention one huge thing. We live in Texas and this is a summer wedding.
So by the time the cake got to the venue—about six hours after it was picked up from the bakery—it didn't look all that great anymore. Some of the decorations had melted, the cake got a little banged up in the car ride, there was icing on the inside of the box, and the entire cake was sagging on one side. It was also way too small for a wedding of her size.
I saw it and it looked like a complete disaster. But at this point, we're about an hour away from the start of the wedding and there's no possible way to fix this. The bride comes into the reception room with her makeup all done When she sees it, she unravels. Screaming, crying, throwing things, collapsing on the floor. Complete meltdown.
She threatens to cancel the whole wedding if we can't fix it. We try to calm her down as much as we can and grab the makeup artist before she leaves and ask if she can help fix the bride's makeup, which is a mess now. The bride sees herself in the mirror and has another meltdown because she ruined her hair and makeup and now wants to have the whole thing re-done.
After she gets everything done to perfection again, we're about an hour behind schedule. I let the guests come inside the reception room to wait because it seemed cruel to force everyone to sit outside in 100-degree heat, but when the bride saw that everyone was inside she had another meltdown. She spent the entire wedding sulking with a scowl on her face, and refused to take any pictures with people.
Her new husband kept coming over to hug her and try to cheer her up, and she would either yell at him or give him the silent treatment. Most of the guests left very early because the atmosphere felt so uncomfortable. So, pretty much a waste of the $200,000 budget for a lavish wedding, all because she wanted to save a couple hundred bucks on the cake.
49. Thirsting For More
Wedding coordinator here! I've found the moms are usually worse than the brides. I worked a wedding this past summer with a ridiculous Momzilla. During the rehearsal, she handed me the box of decorations and said, "Don't you dare make this look tacky". On the day of the wedding, she arrived and came up to ask me where the wedding programs were.
I told her there weren't any programs in any of the boxes and she proceeded scream at me for losing them and then decided that I took them. She also asked that we build a water station for the guests, but instructed us that she didn't want the guests to have access to it until after the ceremony. It was 90 degrees that day and the ceremony was outside, so that did not go over well.
And when the guests complained that they were thirsty and we weren't letting them go to the water station, she told them how horrible we were and made a big deal of opening the water station early, like she was the hero. Thank God they only booked the venue for the ceremony, so she was only my problem for about an hour. But that wasn’t the end of the story.
The next day, my boss handed me an email the Momzilla sent her. She wrote about how I lost the programs, but then in the same sentence said she found the programs in her hotel room later that night and made a comment about how I should've gone to her hotel and gotten them. She also complained about how I wouldn't give her guests water and how the photographer was the worst person she's ever worked with.
She actually wrote, "Don't bother remembering her name, she'll never work in his town again" about the photographer, like she was a Hollywood producer. Her letter ended with her complimenting the venue space—and then came the line I’ll never forget. "I think I would be a great addition to your team of event coordinators! Let me know when I can start!"
Yep, this witch was blatantly trying to take my job. The worst part, though, is that my boss actually hired her. Needless to say, I quit working at that venue.
50. Comeuppance Bought And Paid For
My mom and I saw a great Bridezilla freak out while shopping for my wedding dress a few years back. We were in a small, local shop when another mother-daughter duo came in. The attendant who had been helping us went up to greet them. The mother said they were here to pick up her daughter's dress, so the attendant looks her name up in the computer, frowns, and says, "Ma'am, you never bought the dress".
"What are you talking about?" The attendant shows the lady the notes on her computer screen. "You said you wanted to think about it, and asked if we could hold the dress. We held it for two weeks, but when we didn't hear back from you, we assumed you didn't want it". "Well, we want it now". "It's been over eight months", the attendant explained, "We sold the dress a long time ago. But I can order you another one, and have it expedited here in a few weeks".
And like a Mt. St. Helens of entitlement, the eruption began. "This is unacceptable!" The mother shrieked. "We have her alterations scheduled in two hours! The wedding is a week away! I can't believe you sold her dress!" The bride, meanwhile, is slumped against the desk and sobbing like someone kicked her dog. My mom and I are just open-mouthed staring at this point.
The attendant was trying to be diplomatic, but is clearly as baffled as we are. "Ma'am, we had no way to know you wanted it. You never called. You never put down a deposit. The dress isn't yours until you pay for it". After some more screaming from the mother and wailing from the bride, they left. The shop attendant came back over to us and I asked her, "Does that kind of thing happen a lot?"
The poor lady just deflated. "All the time". It baffles me to this day. How do you schedule alterations on a dress that you never purchased? Why would you wait until a week before the wedding to pick up your dress? How do you make it to adulthood without knowing how basic buying and selling transactions work?