Ex-Theme Park Employees Dish Their Best Secrets, And We're Shook
Get life insurance for Disney World y'all!
As much fun as theme parks and roller coasters are we need to understand that regular, everyday Joes and Janes are running the roost. And they don't need a even a high school degree. That's not shaming anyone BUT... knowing a few things when lives are in your hands can come in valuable.
Reddtor u/MrYellow8666 wanted peeps to divulge some private thoughts we may or may not need to know... asking... Current or Ex Theme Park Employees, What are some dirty secrets that most people don't know about?
The park I worked at the games were easier to win earlier in the day so that people would carry around the giant prizes and entice other people to play. Trogdor_a_Burninator
I hate balls!!
Don't EVER go in the ball pits. Little kids track all sorts of food and grime into the pit and regularly pee in there since they confuse it for a pool.
The balls are only cleaned once a week, and even then they are just put in a net bag and hosed off. You just keep spraying until the water stops coming off brown. They are then air dried and not sanitized in any way. NewbieTwo
Maybe we need 7 flags!
Former six flags employee, my park is the safest in the country because we call the rides down for rain, for vomit, for lost items (they could be obstructing the track). So if a ride is down, it's probably not for a mechanical reason. We even pulled an emergency stop while I was being trained on one rollercoaster because a military official lost his military ID and was threatening my boss if we didn't go get it for him. If people knew how small that issue was they'd be furious that we stopped the ride. Willow-Whispered
Baby I'm sorry... I'm not sorry!
The claw machines are loosened so that they will never be able to grab that iPhone or xbox for you to win. Sorry. nutterysquirrel
My friend in high school used to work at Hershey Park and one day we went together. When we ordered lunch I was just planning on asking for a cup of water with my meal so I didn't have to pay an extra $5. My friend told me to ask the cashier for a cup of "magic" water instead of just a cup of water. I trusted this friend so I did what she said. When I received my cup of "magic" water, I took a sip and to my surprise it was sprite! So I got a free cup of sprite with my meal that day. kita29
Sticky & Sweet!
Worked a churro cart next to a large pond in the park. At night it was impossible to keep the bugs out of the cinnamon and sugar bin. Trogdor_a_Burninator
Pee at home!
About 8 years ago, I managed a whitewater rafting ride (the big donut tubes that can sit 6 people) as a side job while in college. One day, the water filter broke down. The managers kept the ride running for over 2 weeks anyway. The water smelled so bad and turned dark green/brown. The inside of the rafts smelled like a month old porta-potty. We were instructed to tell guests the water filter was broken but the water was clean, which I'm pretty sure was a lie. Thankfully, being a shift leader, I didn't need to go anywhere near the water, but I felt bad for my employees and the guests who rode despite looking obviously disgusted by the smell. Calvyno
Liquids are a no for "IDo's!"
Vomit (with no visible blood) is either cleaned up with a sawdust like material to soak up the liquid and then swept into a dustbin or hosed off with a garden hose.
The coaster seat or table is USUALLY not sanitized or anything. So, you are sitting in dried vomit particles. AlwaysAGroomsman
Have you change Sir?
My place use to say that any change/cash lost on a ride was donated to charity. If they meant the charity of their employees' pockets, then they weren't lying. Quarters were the good ones to find, since it was rarely bills. redwolf15
Reddit user nonoriginalname42 asked: 'What's the worst thing you've seen happen at a wedding?'
A couple proclaiming their vows in front of loved ones is the ultimate affirmation of love.
So when the day of the wedding finally arrives for a couple after months of planning, there's a lot of pressure for things to go smoothly.
And while for the most part, the joyous day of celebration culminates in plenty of emotions and tears that is remembered and reminisced about.
Unless it wasn't the perfect wedding day ever. Because sometimes, things just don't go as planned due to various unforeseen circumstances.
Kind of like the ones strangers online shared when Redditor nonoriginalname42 asked:
"What's the worst thing you've seen happen at a wedding?"
Choose members of your wedding party wisely.
Otherwise, the following might happen.
Not The Best Man For The Job
"Best man starts off speech with, 'I've seen *the groom* with a lot of girls over the years...'. You know the cliché speech where it goes on to say but you're the best for him, etc. etc. Turns out the bride and groom were dating long before the best man even became a friend. Essentially outed him as a degenerate cheater. She was super pissed."
"The best man giving the toast at the reception and saying the groom’s first wife’s name instead of the current one."
Downhill After The Upchuck
"Matron of honor throwing up just as the officiant was asking if anyone objected."
"My brother was in a wedding where as the bride said I do, the groom threw up all over her due to the bachelor party the night before."
Unfortunately, you can't expect family to all be on their best behavior in these unfortunate situations.
Rehearsal Dinner Disaster
"Bride and groom got in a huge drunken fight after the rehearsal dinner, it escalated to include shouting and name-calling between both families, then the wedding got cancelled the day of."
"It started super late, it was super hot out, the future father-in-law was wasted and left before it started. He then showed back up in a red bath robe and his gun. Cops got called. It was a whole thing."
"Oh, and then after the reception we were all trying to convince one of our friends not to drive. He insisted he was fine... Drove his truck into the river."
"I was at a wedding in rural Wisconsin and both the bride and groom were members of the local all-volunteer fire department. Almost everyone at the wedding proceeded to get quite drunk, except the bride, who doesn't drink. At some point, there was an emergency call to the fire department (not a fire, but a medical call). The wedding was not far from the fire station, so the bride rushed over and, along with one other volunteer who was on call, drove an ambulance to an emergency call."
"In her wedding dress."
The bride and groom aren't always the most exemplary role models.
Ghosting The Guests
"I went to a friend of mines Aunts wedding. It was a second marriage for both of them so they wanted something 'relaxed.'”
"They threw it on one of the family members property and had all the guest do grueling manual labor to get the property ready for the wedding. We were literally landscaping in the Texas summer."
"I was climbing trees to hang lights, we laid sod, we laid down stone for a walk way, my friends mom cooked food for days and made all of the floral arrangements. We were setting up tables and chairs, you name it. We worked from 6am until almost midnight for 3 days."
"Finally the wedding happens and it’s beautiful. I was actually really proud of what we had done. It looked professional."
"We go to cut the cake and the couple is no where to be found. They just left without telling anyone and went back to their hotel. I was offended by that because we had worked SO HARD for them and they didn’t even stay for the entire wedding."
"We never got a thank you or any appreciation for it. Other people were upset too and took their gifts back before leaving."
Going Nowhere Fast
"Groom wanted cigarettes so he snuck out and tried to drive to a convenience store a minute away. Drove straight into a telephone pole and was arrested for DUI and spent the night in jail."
Weddings have an element of surprise because no matter how well things are planned, anything can happen.
Hey Mr. DJ
"My brother's second wedding. For the first dance, the DJ played the wrong song for half a second before stopping, and starting the right song. The Bride disappeared for 2 hours afterwards because 'the wedding was ruined.'"
"I wonder if he’ll hire the same DJ for his third wedding."
"Oh God I can't deal with people like that. I have a family member who does this. The tiniest little thing goes a touch awry, moment of awkwardness maybe, then back on track for a great day. But then they go and ACTUALLY ruin the day but throwing a tantrum...."
When Duty Calls
"I was supposed to be best man at a friend's wedding. At 7:30 AM, the morning of the wedding the groom called and said the wedding was off. It wasn't going to happen. I never talked to or saw the guy again. He signed up for the army and within a few days he was just gone."
There's so much pressure built-up from the anticipation before couples say, "I do."
So, it's not surprising that we all hope things go without a hitch before couples get hitched.
But don't count on it.
Unless you plan a small, casual wedding or reception with only your closest friends and family following a City Hall ceremony.
That's how my husband and I got married.
There can be perfection in simplicity, and that's how we roll.
Learning about the death of a well-known figure can sometimes feel as if we lost a friend or family member.
Even if we never met them or knew them personally, their work may have touched us in such a way that it feels as if part of us died with them.
This can be even more poignant if they died young and/or under tragic circumstances.
Particularly if the cause of their death was never fully explained or discovered and continues to be a mystery to this very day.
Redditor ZellaphantBooks2 was curious to hear stories of deaths or disappearances that remain a mystery (or possibly too easily explained), leading them to ask:
"What celebrity death seems a bit too suspicious?"
Alive And Well... But Nowhere To Be Found?
"Shelly Miscavige , wife of Scientology leader David Miscavige."
"Disappeared 2013 after vocally coming out against the practices of Scientology."
"Lawyers for the cult - I mean religion - still maintain she is alive and living a private life devoted to Scientology."
"Not a 'murder' or 'death' and not really a 'celebrity' but... WHERE is Shelly Miscavage?"- hopeandnonthings
Supposedly A Robbery, But Maybe Not So Simple?
"Oscar and Golden Globe winner for 'The Killing Fields'."
"Cambodian and former prisoner of the Khmer Rouge."
"Tortured and imprisoned in Cambodia."
"Murdered outside his home in Los Angeles."
"His family thinks it was revenge from Cambodia for his outspoken support for human rights and bringing people to justice in Cambodia."- Lothar_28
Wrong Place, Wrong Time?
"She’s a Bollywood actress who died in Dubai from accidental drowning in a bathtub, the day after a wedding where she was in perfect health and she had a huge life insurance which would pay only if she dies in Dubai."- CurlyBrownHair08
The World May Never Know...
"Brian Jones of The Rolling Stones died under suspicious circumstances while swimming."
"The person he was swimming with (a contractor working on his house who Jones had accused of stealing from him) supposedly confessed on his deathbed to killing Jones."- Laughacy
Without A Trace
"She was a British TV presenter, news reader and journalist."
"She was shot on her front door step and it's never been solved."- TheKnightsTippler
"In my hometown of St. Louis, Missouri, there was a sculptor and entrepreneur by the name of Bob Cassilly."
"His works, whimsical and larger than life, are all over the city."
"The crown jewel of all this is the wacky home of repurposed industrial materials into a crazy sort of playground, the popular City Museum."
"He was a notoriously driven worker, and in 2011 he died in an apparent bulldozer accident working on a new outdoor art playground project he called Cementland."
"His death was even investigated, but again ruled accidental, despite one medical expert saying he had been beaten and the bulldozer accident was staged."
"Not a true celebrity, but a local legend here to be sure, and a person who left an indelible mark on this town."- ImaginaryMastadon
Did She Know Too Much?
"Dorothy Kilgallen, reporter and TV personality."
"Died under mysterious circumstances while investigating Kennedy's assassination."- WoolaTheCalot
"She was an investigative journalist and game show panelist on What’s My Line?"
"She was digging into JFK when she died of an overdose."
"Her manuscript on JFK was taken by the govt and will never see the light of day."- Risky-Potato
Dealing With Villains On Screen And Off Screen
"George Reeves, the guy who played Superman in the 50s."
"There were a bunch of people in his house the night he died, and a lot of conflicting stories, also he was having an affair with a studio exec's who was in attendance with his husband that night.'
"Also forensics disagree with the testimony of the witnesses."
"It's all a clusterf*ck."- jorsiem
Something Doesn't Add Up...
"This might be stretching the definition of 'celebrity' but Rudolf Diesel, inventor of the diesel engine (and kind of a big deal in his day) died under really suspicious circumstances."
"On September 29th, 1913 Diesel boarded a ship in Antwerp, Belgium on his way to a business meeting in London."
"He never arrived."
"His bed was never slept in, his shirts remained unpacked and his pocket watch was open on the night stand."
"The crew found his hat and overcoat neatly folded by the aft railing of the ship."
"The last entry in his diary was simply a cross on the day of the 29th."
"About 10 days later they found a body in the channel that was eventually IDed as Diesel."
"Pretty straightforward, right?"
'The thing is, he gave his wife a bag when he left with instructions to open it upon his death."
"It contained 20,000 Marks (about $120,000) the whole of the Diesel's bank accounts withdrawn as cash."
"Diesel had recently declined to sell his patents exclusively to the German government and was on his way to London to meet with representatives of the Consolidated Diesel company and the British Royal Navy."
"After his death, no memorial or tomb was built until 1957, when the founder of Japan's Yanmar Diesel company funded the building of a memorial garden for him."- weirdoldhobo1978
Might Want Another Source Than The Kremlin...
"Don't know if he qualifies as a celebrity but Yuri Gagarin, Russian cosmonaut and the first man in space."
"After the kremlin sent one of his friends to certain death on an extremely unprepared rocket ship, in a desperate attempt to catch up with USA's progress, Yuri, a Russian hero and one of the most popular figures at the time, criticized the kremlin and blamed them for the death of his friend."
"Not too long after, he died when he allegedly lost control of his Mig-15."
"The official explanation given by the Kremlin is full of holes and to this day no one really knows what happened but, it seems obvious to some, that whatever caused his crash, the kremlin was responsible for it."- Danesho_PT
It's sad that all these poor people died before their time.
Even sadder if the reasons behind their death were, in fact, far more sinister than anyone might realize.
How to lose a job in 10 seconds.
Now, that sounds like a fun show to watch.
It is astonishing how fast people can lose their jobs.
Some people really need to learn how to actually exist at a job.
You'd think it'd be simple... but no.
Redditor Quintowne wanted to hear about all of the ways some employees have been let go, so they asked:
"What is the fastest way you've seen someone get fired?"
With many years in food service under my belt, I've had more co-workers than Mars, Incorporated has made M&M's.
So many were gone by the end of shift one.
SecretsCar Police GIF by BabylonBeeGiphy
"New person got access to the medical records system. Week 2 - Looked up our boss and bragged about it. Was walked out and gone the second week."
"My first job was in a small grocery store and my boss asked a coworker to do the dishes in the bakery (baking pans, etc). She replied: 'I only do my own dishes, somebody else put these here so I’m not doing them. I’m serious. Fire me if you want, I won’t do them.'"
"Boss says 'Okay then, don’t bother finishing your shift, goodbye!'"
"First day at work, hired by a temp agency. Me and one other guy, we put stuff in boxes and tape them shut, stack boxes on a pallet. He can't keep up, can barely use a tape gun, and decides it's time for a break. Goes to the lunch room and takes a lunch. It was the boss's lunch, he stole the guy's meal his wife prepared for him. The boss man came over 15 minutes later and wanted to know who ate his BBQ, sticky fingers, and BBQ on his shirt he denied it. I just looked at him and the Boss and said well I hope it was good man."
He Was Warned
"Worked at an ISP back in the 90s and had a guy working late shift. Found out quickly he wasn't answering the phone at all, but just playing video games. He was warned. The next day he walks in to work with a Voodoo2 graphics card to install in his work computer to improve the game playing. Fired before he sat down."
"Oh Gawd, just reading the word voodoo brought out a flash of memories I buried."
Oh Willywet willy martial arts GIFGiphy
"First day on the job, gave another coworker a wet-willy. Sh*t you not."
I have never understood this wet willy thing.
Who even came up with it?
LoopholesAngry Season 4 GIF by The OfficeGiphy
"Had a coworker explain to our supervisor how he found this great loophole for making extra money: if a customer had exact change, he’d just pocket the cash and cancel the order on the register."
On the Spot
"Had a supervisor start selling Amway from his office, hinted at favorable treatment for anyone who would buy. Reported him to HR--and when they asked if it was true, he pulled out a catalog and tried to sell them something. Fired on the spot."
"I did customer support at a software company that sold to other businesses, and every one of us had one customer that we hated a hell of a lot more than any other. The guy who sat next to me hated Amway."
"A high school friend's dad offered me a job with his company after I graduated, it was 'Do the interview and then go to work.' The interview consisted of a five-minute spiel about the company and a 45-minute Amway sales pitch with the understanding that if I didn't agree to sell Amway for him, I wouldn't get the job. Dad called me a couple of days later wondering to know why I didn't take the job. I started to work at about the same time the former interviewer stopped working there."
"Half an hour. Working in Arby's, a new girl shows up. They run her through how to work the cash register on a few dummy orders. She takes a real order or two and then it gets slow. She asked to duck out for a minute to smoke and never came back. Register ended up being $100 short that day."
"Always smart to rob a place after giving them your name and address."
"The guy responsible for opening the shop on Saturday morning went out and got blitzed on Friday night. We showed up to work to find his car in the lot but the doors locked. He didn't answer his phone. Had to call the owner in to get us inside. The guy was fast asleep, under his desk. He was gone before you could say hangover."
"I was on a new team hired for corporate sales. They trained us as a group. We were given the task of creating a presentation with graphs and charts to show how we presented to a group and given pointers on how to improve. One guy shows up an hour late, waltzes in, and says he’s tired from the drive-in and says he needs a coffee before settling in. We are in suit and tie, and he’s wearing a dress shirt with a huge eagle on the front and jeans."
"He comes back a few minutes later, and when asked to present, he says he didn’t prepare anything, but he’s happy to answer any questions they may have about presentations. We all looked at each other in disbelief. Fired on the spot by the Manager. I heard that they asked him to return his laptop, and he stiffed them for months before they sent a repo man to his door to pick it up."
Buh-Byejumping episode 11 GIFGiphy
"A colleague let a middle school kid drive the bus. Buh-bye!"
"When I was in middle and high school they hired students with driver's licenses to drive the busses. This was in the 80's."
My school bus drivers were all nuts.
I always thanked GOD when I got home in one piece.
Different regions around the world are known for specific foods and customs.
In the United States, each state becomes officially and unofficially known for certain things.
Like if you think of Pennsylvania you might think cheesesteaks or the Amish. Nevada might bring thoughts of gambling.
California might evoke beaches or Hollywood. Alaska is known for it's wilderness and fishing industry.
If you say Florida Man you associate batsh*t escapades in the news, transphobia and book bans—we're looking at you, Ron.
Each state has their own flag, motto, bird, flower and in some cases an animal or food.
The Maine Coon cat is the official state cat of Maine.
Bee Felten-Leidel on Unsplash
So what if all the states held a big party and everyone brought what they're known for?
Reddit user Jacob4L posited:
"America is having a house party. What does your state bring and do?"
"North Carolina: We show up as twins, one brings pulled pork with Eastern NC sauce, the other shows up with ribs covered in Western NC sauce. We proceed to get drunk on shine and argue bitterly over which is better."
"Our little brother (South Carolina) shows up with some grilled chicken covered in mustard based sauce, and we forget our argument and gang up on him for being a complete disappointment to the family."
"South Carolina brings a Bible and spends the first part of the evening preaching and the last part getting drunk and fighting about BBQ sauce."
"Tennessee. We bring whisky, a guitar for a sing-a-long and Dolly Parton."
"Virginia: Eastern Virginia will bring chips with that white sauce that confuses so many people."
"Central Virginia will bring tons of different craft beers and wine."
"Northern Virginia will bring company-branded fleece vests to hand out as party favors."
"I got no idea what goes on in the western part of the state, to be honest."
"Western Virginia? Moonshine."
"Georgia brings several party trays of fried chicken and waffles as well as an obscene volume of IPA beers."
"Spends the evening standing around the trucks outside with Alabama, Tennessee, the Carolinas, Florida, and Mississippi talking about mudding, camping, fishing, and hip-hop."
"Louisiana here. We will bring crawfish, gator bites and beer. It’s the best we can do."
"Florida dances on the table, but falls off and puts a hole in the wall."
"We bring Florida man, he brings national news coverage."
"We’ll bring the folding chairs."
"Kentucky—we come in riding a horse. We bring Kentucky fried chicken, good bourbon and tobacco. After the bourbon we drink mint julips."
"West Virginia brings the couch to burn on the porch."
"West Virginia will definitely bring pepperoni rolls."
"We bring cheese dip! It was invented in Little Rock, Arkansas! Then we call the Hogs!"
"Arkansas. Gon' bring possum stew and cheese dip, then insist on saying grace."
"My state has a state meal, so I'm apparently bringing all the things: 'The official state meal of Oklahoma consists of fried okra, cornbread, barbecue pork, squash, biscuits, sausage and gravy, grits, corn, strawberries (state fruit), chicken fried steak, pecan pie, and black-eyed peas'."
"Texas. We'll bring Barbecue Beef Brisket and all the guns & ammo for the shooting events."
"Texas brings steaks and a Bible for everyone. Then proceeds to let your 9 year old play with their gun."
"Eeeeee! New Mexico shows up late with his homies in a low rider and brings several 30 packs of Bud Light. Then his abuela brings some green chile enchiladas and biscochitos for dessert."
"Arizona, We'll bring Sonoran dogs and tequila and turn the thermostat to 110º."
"Nevada. Gambling and hookers baby!"
"Colorado is bringing weed and also bringing the psychedelic mushrooms. We’re pretty much the best party guest anyone could ask for."
"Utah brings the Jell-O and turn their nose up to all the sinners."
Pacific Coast Vibes
"Oregon would bring weed, craft beer, and Tillamook cheddar with crackers."
"Alaska. We are driving down and I’m gonna beat up Texas (who’s been telling everyone they’re the biggest guy)."
"Also I’m gonna tell everyone I like Hawaii, but Hawaii is gonna say 'I barely know Alaska'."
"Washington is our friend. Washington always lets us come over and hang out."
"Washington and Alaska. Both would probably bring salmon, crab and Indigenous dancing."
"California is hosting the party and paying for everything you damn cheapskates."
"From Hawaii we bring lau lau, Kalua pork, hula and aloha!"
"Hawaii, can you bring spam masubi too?"
Head Back East
"A drunken Montanian riding a horse inside, with a plate of Rocky mountain oysters."
"Idaho. We're bringing the potato salad, mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, potato chips, potato bread, French fries, tater tots, and vodka."
Did anyone remember to invite Wyoming?
"South Dakota will just be outside on its Harley drunk, revving the engine trying to impress chicks until 3am keeping the neighbors awake."
"The Juicy Lucy. 100 years ago Minnesota discovered you can put cheese inside the hamburger and we've been riding that high ever since."
"Please talk to us we're surrounded by corn and Wisconsin."
"Iowa. A couple of cases of Busch Light, corn and the Pork Producers trailer grill to start grilling chops. We spend the entire night with Minnesota and Wisconsin making fun of Nebraska."
"Nebraska shows up with a massive Snickers Salad in an old, gallon-sized ice cream bucket and a 30-rack of Busch 'Lattes' shouting 'GOOOOOOO BIIIIIIIIIIIG REEEEEDDDDD' in the blind faith that someone, somewhere will respond 'GOBIGRED!!!' And they will. They will."
"North Dakota is bringing lefse, rolled with butter and sugar."
"And you’re all gonna love it!"
"Wisconsin. I show up undetectably drunk. I bring Cannibal Sandwiches which is ostensibly raw ground beef on white buns."
"I'll have a better time talking to your grampa than any of you and I'll sneak out the back door when I'm ready to leave so that I don't hafta say 'bye'."
"Missouri brings toasted ravioli and gooey butter cake, then gets trashed on Boulevard, Logboat, and Schlafly beers, while the under-21s have Fitz's and Vess."
"Also, a fistfight with Kansas breaks out and Branson plays country music."
"Kansas. We bring bread. We stand in the middle of the party but everyone ignores us except to make jokes about The Wizard of Oz. Unless it's March, when suddenly everyone wants to talk sh*t about our basketball teams."
"At some point we'll get in a fight with Missouri, but we will throw down with anyone who attacks Missouri when the inevitable BBQ war starts."
Home of Industry
"Michigan. We bring coney dogs, ginger-ale, and superman ice cream (you're welcome)."
"What do we do? Get drunk, play some Motown, start a fight with Ohio, then get them to join us to help us throw down with California about who had the real music center of America."
"We (us and Ohio) lose, but we spend the rest of the night licking our wounds, commiserating about how much California sucks, and texting Canada trying to coax her to join the party."
"Illinois. Probably bring the Malort, Italian beef, deep dish pizza, and hot dogs with mustard, onions, green relish, diced tomatoes, and sport peppers on a sesame seed bun and some celery salt on top."
"Indiana brings some big a** tenderloins, plays cornhole the whole time, and takes 90 minutes to say goodbye."
"Ohio’s party contribution is a mixed bag."
"Everyone is obsessed with the Buckeye candies they brought but are so sick and tired of the bragging about OSU national championships from a long time ago every time they go to grab one."
"There is now a hefty supply of Bloody Marys at this party thanks to Ohio bringing a gigantic shipment of its state beverage tomato juice."
"Fortunately, Ohio has also brought Smuckers jam to go on toast when everyone’s hungover in the morning."
"Pennsylvania is the second person to arrive, just behind Delaware. It’s a good thing that PA arrives early, because PA brings the best food items—Turkey Hill Ice Cream, Utz Potato Chips, Hershey’s Chocolate, and Wooder Ice."
"Despite smelling slightly like cow manure, PA is generally liked by the rest of the party attendees, but when the conversation shifts to football, PA suddenly wants to fight everyone else at the party."
"Pennsylvania and Ohio will also bring the Amish—who will build us a shelter for if it rains."
Mid-Atlantic In the House
"With an armful of Half Smokes and DCBrau, Washington DC tries to explain to the bouncer that he is not exactly a state but he belongs at the party."
"The bouncer begrudgingly let’s him in after examining his DC drivers license for a full minute and conferring with the other bouncers."
"Once inside he bops his head lightly to the music and tries really hard to restrain himself from asking everyone 'So what do you do?'.”
"Maryland is bringing steamed crabs. But we’re late because we drive 20 miles under the speed limit."
"Delaware: that awkward guy that just shows up first and most people don’t know who he is. But hey we brought drinks for everyone and we won’t tax them."
"New Jersey. The best Italian food in the Western Hemisphere. Maybe an old mobster for protection if you know a guy who knows a guy."
"New York brings pizza and won't shut up about how it is better than everyone else's food and they just HAVE to try it. He also interrupts people and claims he is better than everyone."
"Massachusetts, New Jersey, and the South hate him but California doesn't mind hanging out with him for a little bit."
"Vermont, We bring maple syrup, b*tch and moan about all of the out-of-staters that we’re driving to said party, craft beer, and weed."
"Connecticut brings lobster rolls and weird craft beer and cries because New York and Massachusetts ignore it. Then it goes off and drinks with Rhode Island and is okay."
"Connecticut with airpods in, quietly sitting in between Massachusetts and New York on the couch while they scream at each other about the Red Sox and Yankees."
"The great state of Rhode Island brings a crock of seafood chowda and complains about how far we had to drive to get to the party."
"Massachusetts are bringing alcohol, chowder, lobster rolls, and some fluffernutters for those who’s drunk food is sugary. Dunkin’ donuts, munchkins and coffee of course."
"We will also bring our sports superiority complex and argue with everyone about it so everyone will learn why Maine calls us Massholes."
"New Hampshire. We’ll bring lots of liquor from the state-run tax-free liquor stores, and we will spend the party chanting 'Live free or die!' And probably arguing with Massachusetts."
"Maine rides in on a wicked huge moose with a Dunkin' regular spiked with Allen's Coffee Brandy in one hand and a Tim Horton's double-double in the other. We bring red hot dogs, whoopie pies, Moxie, Humpty Dumpty all-dressed chips and our buddy New Brunswick, Canada so we don't have to talk to New Hampshire."
"We tell the flatlanders wanting lobster we don’t give that away for free—it’s wicked expensive for a reason."
"We'll throw a wicked beat down on Massachusetts after they say for the hundredth time we used to be part of their state and they used 'wicked' to describe everything before we did."
"When it gets wicked dark, Stephen King and Joe Hill show up to scare the crap out of everyone with stories around the bonfire."
"New Brunswick, Canada, Maine's next door neighbour, arrives with enough poutine to feed the multitudes."
"Quebec, Canada files a noise complaint against their loud neighbour. Ultimately, it's ignored."
"British Columbia, Canada is the neighbour next door slightly jealous for not getting the invite but also a bit scared to visit because those neighbours can be a bit crazy. California, Washington, Alaska and Oregon finally convince them to come."
"Ontario, Canada brings an LCBO 8pk of 8 different craft beers you’ve never heard of, and immediately starts trying to convince New York that Daylight Savings Time is garbage, and bitching about Quebec."
"Alberta, Canada brings steaks, while Saskatchewan, Canada brings home made bread. Both of them spend most of the night hanging out with Texas and start sh*t talking Ontario."
"Manitoba, Canada brings mosquitoes."
"The other Canadian Maritime Provinces—Labrador, Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island—show up piss drunk and have a loud and obnoxious conversation amongst themselves, excluding New Brunswick who's too chummy with Maine and Newfoundland just because they're Newfies.
"Newfoundland, Canada brings a cod fish and rum, and insists that everyone present kiss the fish and take a shot."
"Quebec, Canada finally decides to come bringing ridiculously strong beer. Complains about Ontario to anyone who will listen. They try to flirt with Louisiana en Français, but they get weirded out when they realize they’re cousins. Ends up going home with Ontario at the end of the night."
"Yukon, Northwest Territories and Nunavut tell the First Nations the colonizers are all gone and they shut down the border before they can come back."
"Then Kaná:ta has a BIG party."
"Scotland and Ireland would be taken into the fold with the moonshine and hard liquor group. Everyone would just be sitting around a bonfire passing around sips of the tasty stuff. Each country/province/state has to bring their best storyteller to this fire."
"Don't worry, all of our accents are basically the same when we are drunk. The slang is where things get dicey, but if the storyteller is worth their weight in salt, it's going to be fine."
"Minnesota will sneak in Norway and Sweden as Cousin Olaf and Cousin Sven. Oof, da!"
"Australia shows up already drunk and proceeds to drink all the beer and complain that it's weak as piss. But we did bring party pies and sausage rolls."
"The UK is imposing upon the party unannounced. England is intoxicated and attempting to dominate blasé Scotland; Scotland has copious amounts of whiskey to appease America’s indignation at the UK’s indiscretion."
"Wales has rarebits and hovers disconcerted behind Scotland. Northern Ireland brings Irish whiskey and a Bible and strides over to the Bible Belt states for a bit of religious contention."
"England makes everyone cups of tea at 2 hour intervals."
"Mexico shows up at around 2AM, seven deep, and with a worm as a mascot."
"Texas immediately picks a fight with them and at the same time tries to get them to share their food."
Maarten van den Heuvel on Unsplash
It certainly sounds like a wild time.
Do you think your fellow citizens nailed your state?
What would you add?