You would expect most of the injuries obtained in the E.R. to come from kids, right?

Sigh, Teenagers Gonna Teenager

"Over the course of an evening 9 teenagers were brought in by their parents for hallucinations."

"None of them were able to tell us what was going on and they trickled in over about 4 hours."

"The drug screens were negative but they were all pretty badly out of it."

"Finally one of the siblings was able to tell us they had all been at the same party."

"One of the teens had talked the others into trying mushrooms except they were mildly poisonous ones instead of the ones you take for 'shrooms'."

"They were all tripping like crazy for the night and they had to stay in the ER until they were sobering up."

"It was amusing for the staff but the parents were quite irate."- Liz4984

Revenge!

"I’m a cop and was posted at the ER on night shift once and a woman came in because she got bit by a snake in her yard."

"She was panicking because of it."

"Her hand was really swollen."

"One of the nurses asked if she saw what kind of snake it was and she said no."

"A couple of minutes later, these two boys, maybe 12-13, came running in holding a decapitated snake in pieces inside of a ziploc bag."

"They had rode their bikes from their house to the hospital to show the doctors the snake that bit this lady."

"Like these kids heard about what happened and went on her yard to kill the snake just to do this."

"It was funny and oddly heartwarming." - Amy-Paradise

​You really need to question the sanity of some of these people before they visited the hospital. Ask questions like, "Why weren't you brought in sooner for just being alive?"

Seemed Like The Right Call To Make At The Time

"When asking what brought him in today he said he was arguing with his sister about the car and how much this costs and carrying on, had to stop and ask him again why is he here."

"His reasoning was he was tired of arguing with his sister and would rather be admitted to the hospital."- Lil-one

Wait Until All Of It Is Good And Out

"A woman came in after she cut her hand pretty bad making dinner."

"Instead of putting any pressure on the cut to stop the bleeding, she was just letting herself bleed into a large kitchen bowl."- Virtual-Cupcake-1510

With Friends Like These?

"Had a guy come in after smoking weed with his friends and then he also did PCP."

"His friends got very paranoid and he became aggressive towards them, so naturally they attacked him… with a samurai sword."- Current_Recording_64

And then there's these.

The ones you were all waiting for with delightful, Schadenfreudian glee.

The sex ones.

Wait, This Happens So Often There's A Nickname For It???

"As a kid, my Mom's EMT stories seemed hilarious, but as an adult I don't think I'd have the patience to tolerate so many people's bullsh-t."

"That being said, here goes the story."

"They get a call that a guy has a sever nosebleed, is already feeling dizzy, losing a lot of blood and can't stop it."

"Needless to say they floor it, thinking the guy might bleed out, get there in very short time."

"They ring the doorbell, a guy answers."

"They ask him to take them to the victim, he says they're talking to him."

"Not one drop of blood on the guy's face or clothes or anywhere, cheeks all rosy, doesn't look like he's lost a lot of blood so they ask what the deal is."

"He says it's hard to explain but he was worried they wouldn't send him an ambulance if he was honest about his symptoms and he's in a lot of pain."

"My mom tells him to sit down and tell them about the symptoms while they take his blood pressure."

"Guy says he'll do all of that, except for the sitting down part."

"Now, I bet you all know where this is going."

"Turns out he'd been trying to convince his girlfriend to experiment sexually with him."

"She wasn't into it, was afraid it would hurt."

"So the guy says 'if I show you on myself, will you do it?'".

"She reluctantly said yes."

"So the guy lubes up a thin aluminum flashlight, 2 cm thick, 15 cm long, bends over and jams it up where the sun don't shine"

"So they put him on a stretcher and the driver says into the radio 'ambulance 98 returning, 28 year-old male with severe constipation and foreign object in his rectum'."

"'Uhm... it's a flashlight, in case it matters'."

"'So, uhm... Yup, you heard that right: we're bringin' you a firefly, stand by'."- Corvus_Manufaktura

Don't Pick Him Up And Shake Him!

"My Mom worked in the OR and said there were soo many guys who ended up there because of things they 'slipped and fell' on."

"The craziest one for her was the guy who 'slipped and fell" on a snow globe'."- craponapoopstick

He'll Follow You Until The Afterlife Fades Away

"I got admitted to the ED after a heavy leather bound photo album fell off the top of a free standing wardrobe during sex and hit me on the head."

"I ended up with 12 stitches and a multi layer closure and luckily missed out on a skull fracture."

"The album in question? The woman’s wedding day with her dead husband."

"We joked later that it was his ghost disapproving of our random horny moments."- W2ttsy

Wait For The Twist Ending...

"Girl came in saying she had a lump in her vagina."

"Very worried about it."

"Examination revealed nil abnormalities."

"On further questioning her new boyfriend said he felt it during sex'."

"It was her cervix."- craycraxy

A visit to the ER shouldn't be a laughing matter.

Unless it's the only possible treatment for the scenario.

I've got a burning desire... or I'm just burning...

"Last night a guy came in with a fever."

"CORRECTION: His PENIS had a fever."

"Yeah, you read that right, his Penis, only, was warmer than usual, and it freaked him out."- Dont-Lick-the-Cat

She's a woman now

"I’m not an ER nurse, but my dad used to be and I’ll always remember this story."

"This mom brings her 13 year old daughter in and swears up and down that her daughter was bit by a bug and has a nasty infection."

"She says the daughter was bit by mosquitoes while they were outside, and her chest was swelling abnormally because of it."

"So they do some kind of physical exam, and my dad had to explain that the daughter wasn’t bit by mosquitoes, she just hit puberty and was developing breasts."- katelikesmilk

What are you trying to hide?

"One I was working at the ER a young guy 18-19 years old, who was at a party, came piss drunk and unconcious."

"In order to get a urine tox screening we decided to take a urine sample through a catheter."

"When the nurse pulled down his pants we discovered that he had put a thick white sports sock in his underwear."

"After the test was taken we decided to put the sock back where we found it so he wouldn’t die of shame when he woke up!"- alexfrommalmoe

"I've decided that if I ever have a sex-toy-related injury that requires medical care, I'm just going to own it."

"In fact I'll go one better."

" if I have an innocuous boring injury that sends me to the ER, I'm going to claim it was an athletic sex injury instead."-triggur

The Lengths some people will go to

"I don’t work in the ER, but did my preceptorship in the ER my final semester of nursing school."

"Had a lady come in via EMS because her partner 'threw a red solo cup at my back and I’m having terrible pain now!'"

"It was the most dramatic show I’ve ever witnessed watching that poor EMS crew roll her into a tiny room as she’s flailing and fake-sobbing."

"ER doctor looked at me, the student, and said 'take her this script for Ibuprofen'."

"She’s discharged'."

"He spent maybe 2 minutes in her room."

"I took the script in, gave her the discharge paperwork, and she threw it in my face and told me to 'get f*cked'.”

"No joke, she came back 2 hours later, walked into the ER herself, with a bloody towel wrapped around her hand."

"She told me to hold out my hand."

"I already had gloves on."

" She placed her thumb in my hand and said 'can I get some pain medicine now?'"

"'Calm as could be and very manipulative-like."

"This lady legit went home and cut her thumb off to get pain meds."

"She didn’t get any pain meds, she got an immediate air lift to a major hospital to have emergency hand surgery."-deadheadramblinrose

Read the instructions carefully

"Directly from a family member who’s an ICU rn."

"Patient was brought in to the ER after making a homemade dart gun with a needle and straw but blowing IN, instead of out."

"He swallowed both."

"Thought he could just poop out both but ended up with massive GI bleeds and losing most of his blood."

"Needed surgery and a ton of blood product transfusions."- Responsible_Rent7970

It goes both ways

"I don't work there, but I personally went to ER and asked them to fake a report for me so I can skip a test I had the following day."

"They agreed."- MarwanMero

Maybe we rely a but too much on technology

"A woman came into the ED recently because she couldn't find her pulse on her apple watch so she was worried that her pulse was gone."

""The doctor taught her how to find her pulse via jugular and sent her home."

"lmao."

You don't outgrow fun... or do you?

"Friend of mine in college thought it would be fun to swing in one of those rubber tire bucket like baby swings in the park."

"So she managed to put her feet through the leg holes and climb in."

"Only to get completely stuck in the swing."

"Her circulation was getting cut off by the swing and her legs were swelling like crazy."

"We tried to pull her out but no luck."

"We had to call 911."

"She ended up going to the ER with the swing still on her to get cut out of it."- RainbowUnicorn0228·

Maybe ease up on the self gratification.

"I volunteered at a hospital in HS, and my only time in the ER, a gentleman came in complaining of severe pain in his groin area."

"Come to learn he was a chronic masterbater, and had rubbed considerable patches of skin OFF."

"Not only that, you could hear him yelp randomly, and it was because he was doing it then too!"- notnotasock

As always, all of the salutes and respect to the people we pay to heal us. The things they have to outright not laugh in our faces for must be a mountain impossibly high.