Not asking for this to happen to anyone lucky enough to read these stories, but you would hope if you had to make a trip to the emergency room it would be for a worthwhile reason. Maybe you damaged your clavicle bravely fighting off some purse snatchers or injured your fibula rescuing your family from a sinking ship.
Not sticking something up your butt and getting it stuck there.
On purpose. Which happens a lot more than you might think.
Warning, some of these tales from the E.R. are NSFW.
"Redditors who work at the ER, what's the funniest/absurd reason someone was brought in?"
You would expect most of the injuries obtained in the E.R. to come from kids, right?
Sigh, Teenagers Gonna Teenager
"Over the course of an evening 9 teenagers were brought in by their parents for hallucinations."
"None of them were able to tell us what was going on and they trickled in over about 4 hours."
"The drug screens were negative but they were all pretty badly out of it."
"Finally one of the siblings was able to tell us they had all been at the same party."
"One of the teens had talked the others into trying mushrooms except they were mildly poisonous ones instead of the ones you take for 'shrooms'."
"They were all tripping like crazy for the night and they had to stay in the ER until they were sobering up."
"It was amusing for the staff but the parents were quite irate."- Liz4984
"I’m a cop and was posted at the ER on night shift once and a woman came in because she got bit by a snake in her yard."
"She was panicking because of it."
"Her hand was really swollen."
"One of the nurses asked if she saw what kind of snake it was and she said no."
"A couple of minutes later, these two boys, maybe 12-13, came running in holding a decapitated snake in pieces inside of a ziploc bag."
"They had rode their bikes from their house to the hospital to show the doctors the snake that bit this lady."
"Like these kids heard about what happened and went on her yard to kill the snake just to do this."
"It was funny and oddly heartwarming." - Amy-Paradisebag snakes GIFGiphy
You really need to question the sanity of some of these people before they visited the hospital. Ask questions like, "Why weren't you brought in sooner for just being alive?"
Seemed Like The Right Call To Make At The Time
"When asking what brought him in today he said he was arguing with his sister about the car and how much this costs and carrying on, had to stop and ask him again why is he here."
"His reasoning was he was tired of arguing with his sister and would rather be admitted to the hospital."- Lil-one
Wait Until All Of It Is Good And Out
"A woman came in after she cut her hand pretty bad making dinner."
"Instead of putting any pressure on the cut to stop the bleeding, she was just letting herself bleed into a large kitchen bowl."- Virtual-Cupcake-1510
With Friends Like These?
"Had a guy come in after smoking weed with his friends and then he also did PCP."
"His friends got very paranoid and he became aggressive towards them, so naturally they attacked him… with a samurai sword."- Current_Recording_64Mean Lets Go GIF by Arrow VideoGiphy
And then there's these.
The ones you were all waiting for with delightful, Schadenfreudian glee.
The sex ones.
Wait, This Happens So Often There's A Nickname For It???
"As a kid, my Mom's EMT stories seemed hilarious, but as an adult I don't think I'd have the patience to tolerate so many people's bullsh-t."
"That being said, here goes the story."
"They get a call that a guy has a sever nosebleed, is already feeling dizzy, losing a lot of blood and can't stop it."
"Needless to say they floor it, thinking the guy might bleed out, get there in very short time."
"They ring the doorbell, a guy answers."
"They ask him to take them to the victim, he says they're talking to him."
"Not one drop of blood on the guy's face or clothes or anywhere, cheeks all rosy, doesn't look like he's lost a lot of blood so they ask what the deal is."
"He says it's hard to explain but he was worried they wouldn't send him an ambulance if he was honest about his symptoms and he's in a lot of pain."
"My mom tells him to sit down and tell them about the symptoms while they take his blood pressure."
"Guy says he'll do all of that, except for the sitting down part."
"Now, I bet you all know where this is going."
"Turns out he'd been trying to convince his girlfriend to experiment sexually with him."
"She wasn't into it, was afraid it would hurt."
"So the guy says 'if I show you on myself, will you do it?'".
"She reluctantly said yes."
"So the guy lubes up a thin aluminum flashlight, 2 cm thick, 15 cm long, bends over and jams it up where the sun don't shine"
"So they put him on a stretcher and the driver says into the radio 'ambulance 98 returning, 28 year-old male with severe constipation and foreign object in his rectum'."
"'Uhm... it's a flashlight, in case it matters'."
"'So, uhm... Yup, you heard that right: we're bringin' you a firefly, stand by'."- Corvus_Manufakturaflashlight GIFGiphy
Don't Pick Him Up And Shake Him!
"My Mom worked in the OR and said there were soo many guys who ended up there because of things they 'slipped and fell' on."
"The craziest one for her was the guy who 'slipped and fell" on a snow globe'."- craponapoopstick
He'll Follow You Until The Afterlife Fades Away
"I got admitted to the ED after a heavy leather bound photo album fell off the top of a free standing wardrobe during sex and hit me on the head."
"I ended up with 12 stitches and a multi layer closure and luckily missed out on a skull fracture."
"The album in question? The woman’s wedding day with her dead husband."
"We joked later that it was his ghost disapproving of our random horny moments."- W2ttsy
Wait For The Twist Ending...
"Girl came in saying she had a lump in her vagina."
"Very worried about it."
"Examination revealed nil abnormalities."
"On further questioning her new boyfriend said he felt it during sex'."
"It was her cervix."- craycraxy
A visit to the ER shouldn't be a laughing matter.
Unless it's the only possible treatment for the scenario.
I've got a burning desire... or I'm just burning...
"Last night a guy came in with a fever."
"CORRECTION: His PENIS had a fever."
"Yeah, you read that right, his Penis, only, was warmer than usual, and it freaked him out."- Dont-Lick-the-CatGiphy
She's a woman now
"I’m not an ER nurse, but my dad used to be and I’ll always remember this story."
"This mom brings her 13 year old daughter in and swears up and down that her daughter was bit by a bug and has a nasty infection."
"She says the daughter was bit by mosquitoes while they were outside, and her chest was swelling abnormally because of it."
"So they do some kind of physical exam, and my dad had to explain that the daughter wasn’t bit by mosquitoes, she just hit puberty and was developing breasts."- katelikesmilk
What are you trying to hide?
"One I was working at the ER a young guy 18-19 years old, who was at a party, came piss drunk and unconcious."
"In order to get a urine tox screening we decided to take a urine sample through a catheter."
"When the nurse pulled down his pants we discovered that he had put a thick white sports sock in his underwear."
"After the test was taken we decided to put the sock back where we found it so he wouldn’t die of shame when he woke up!"- alexfrommalmoe
"I've decided that if I ever have a sex-toy-related injury that requires medical care, I'm just going to own it."
"In fact I'll go one better."
" if I have an innocuous boring injury that sends me to the ER, I'm going to claim it was an athletic sex injury instead."-triggur
The Lengths some people will go to
"I don’t work in the ER, but did my preceptorship in the ER my final semester of nursing school."
"Had a lady come in via EMS because her partner 'threw a red solo cup at my back and I’m having terrible pain now!'"
"It was the most dramatic show I’ve ever witnessed watching that poor EMS crew roll her into a tiny room as she’s flailing and fake-sobbing."
"ER doctor looked at me, the student, and said 'take her this script for Ibuprofen'."
"He spent maybe 2 minutes in her room."
"I took the script in, gave her the discharge paperwork, and she threw it in my face and told me to 'get f*cked'.”
"No joke, she came back 2 hours later, walked into the ER herself, with a bloody towel wrapped around her hand."
"She told me to hold out my hand."
"I already had gloves on."
" She placed her thumb in my hand and said 'can I get some pain medicine now?'"
"'Calm as could be and very manipulative-like."
"This lady legit went home and cut her thumb off to get pain meds."
"She didn’t get any pain meds, she got an immediate air lift to a major hospital to have emergency hand surgery."-deadheadramblinrose
Read the instructions carefully
"Directly from a family member who’s an ICU rn."
"Patient was brought in to the ER after making a homemade dart gun with a needle and straw but blowing IN, instead of out."
"He swallowed both."
"Thought he could just poop out both but ended up with massive GI bleeds and losing most of his blood."
"Needed surgery and a ton of blood product transfusions."- Responsible_Rent7970
It goes both ways
"I don't work there, but I personally went to ER and asked them to fake a report for me so I can skip a test I had the following day."
"They agreed."- MarwanMero
Maybe we rely a but too much on technology
"A woman came into the ED recently because she couldn't find her pulse on her apple watch so she was worried that her pulse was gone."
""The doctor taught her how to find her pulse via jugular and sent her home."
"lmao."apple watch connecting GIFGiphy
You don't outgrow fun... or do you?
"Friend of mine in college thought it would be fun to swing in one of those rubber tire bucket like baby swings in the park."
"So she managed to put her feet through the leg holes and climb in."
"Only to get completely stuck in the swing."
"Her circulation was getting cut off by the swing and her legs were swelling like crazy."
"We tried to pull her out but no luck."
"We had to call 911."
"She ended up going to the ER with the swing still on her to get cut out of it."- RainbowUnicorn0228·
Maybe ease up on the self gratification.
"I volunteered at a hospital in HS, and my only time in the ER, a gentleman came in complaining of severe pain in his groin area."
"Come to learn he was a chronic masterbater, and had rubbed considerable patches of skin OFF."
"Not only that, you could hear him yelp randomly, and it was because he was doing it then too!"- notnotasock
As always, all of the salutes and respect to the people we pay to heal us. The things they have to outright not laugh in our faces for must be a mountain impossibly high.
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They leave out so many juicy tidbits when teaching history.
Even when we get into college years, there is still a ton you don't hear about until you're a senior citizen.
There should be a "History: XXX" class.
I had to suffer through World Civ. Geesh.
A little extra naughty goes a long way in education.
So tells us some sassy secrets.
Redditor gosty_the_brave24 wanted everyone to spread a little history.
So they asked:
"What's an NSFW facts about a historical figures that we don't learn in school?"
This thread maybe slightly inappropriate for readers under 17. So NC-17
Educational, but inappropriate.
Clothes OffShaking Cold Weather GIF by funkGiphy
"Victor Hugo wrote in the nude as a form of motivation. He was a horrible procrastinator so he would lock himself in a room and have his clothes taken as encouragement to get his work done (because he was cold). When he was finished, he'd get his clothes back."
"Wonder Woman was created by a polyamorous man who was (a) a feminist, (b) a kinkster, and (c) living with two bisexual women. Wonder Woman was influenced by at least one of his wives, and started as a very overt, kinky, empowering sex symbol for women, and was nearly cancelled because of how explicitly she was being depicted. It's supposed that her rope of truth was partly inspired by rope play in BDSM."
"F. Scott Fitzgerald's wife, Zelda, told him that the way he was built, he would never please a woman. He confessed this to Hemingway in a French bar, and Hemingway told him to meet him in the bathroom where he looked at Fitzgerald's penis and told him he was 'perfectly fine.'"
"Emperor Nero kicked his wife Poppaea to death. He later found a slave boy named Sporus who looked like Poppaea, had him castrated, and kept him as his wife. After the death of Nero, Sporus was taken by Nymphidius Sabina, who treated Sporus as his wife. But Sabina was murdered by his guards when he tried to become Emperor. Sporus was next taken by the Emperor Otho, who had once been married to Poppaea until Nero took her away from him."
"Otho called Sporus Poppaea and took him as his wife. Otho was murdered shortly afterwards. Otho's rival, Vitellius, planned on using Sporus in a reenactment of the Rape of Peroserpina in the Colosseum, but Sporus committed suicide."
Domino's?Pizza Pizza Pizza Dancing GIF by Domino’s UK and ROIGiphy
"The Boris Yeltsin pizza incident, in which the former Russian leader was found in just his underwear outside the Whitehouse hailing a cab so he could go get pizza... https://www.politico.com/blogs/on-congress/2009/09/yeltsin-drunk-in-his-underwear-hailing-a-cab-021553"
I just don't find pizza THAT appealing.
Falling Aparttales from the darkside 80s GIFGiphy
"Herodotus, an ancient Greek Historian once stated that female mummies who passed away in Ancient Egypt were found more decomposed than male mummies. The reason being was that the females were kept at home for longer periods of time before sent for embalming to prevent necrophilia."
It did not work...
"Not quite a historical figure but John Pemberton, the inventor of Coca Cola, did so because he was chronically addicted to morphine and was trying to get off of it. Original ingredients were cocaine (famously), sugar, alcohol, and caffeine. He was trying to supplant his other addiction. It did not work."
"So another thing about Pemberton that I learned very recently was that he served as a Lieutenant Colonel in the Confederate army during the Civil War. His morphine addiction you were talking about was actually something he developed after being stabbed with a sword during a battle."
"John Quincy Adams boasted that outdoor sex was an American invention. Between that, his pet alligator, and a life spent in public service (literally from his teenage years until his death), probably far more interesting than most people who've held high office in the USA."
"Also swam nude in the Potomac, daily, when he was president."
"The new UK monarch King Charles III great-great-grandfather Edward VII was so obese that he commissioned a french carpenter to build a chair that would enable him to have sex with one or two people at once. It is called the siege d'amour and was installed at his favourite brothel."
Oh Maryfrankensteins monster frankenstein GIFGiphy
"The author of Frankenstien lost her virginity on her mother's grave."
"In the version I saw, her father didn't approve of the relationship, so she told him she was visiting her mother's grave to avoid suspicion and then met her guy there for sexy time."
Well that is a whole lot of mess. Goodness.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
Some children get everything handed to them on a silver platter by their parents.
Resulting in their spending their living life without a care in the world, and seemingly zero consequences, and more often than not, full of entitlement.
Some might call these children the luckiest in the world?
But are they?
After all, most of these parents will eventually cut their children off when it's time to enter the real world.
Resulting in their being faced with a cold, hard dose of reality they were not prepared for.
"What was the best moment you've seen where the real world hit a spoiled rich kid?"
It Will Get Replaced, Right?
"Knew a rich kid whose parent's bought him a car and he treated it like absolute garbage."
"Purposely driving it really hard and generally abusing it, confident in the notion that his parents would buy him the one he wanted after he destroyed the one they got him."
"Well they didn't buy him another one, ever."
"He rode the city bus and bummed rides off of friends after that."
"He was the most entitled f*cker I'd ever met."
"If he was over at your house he would just help himself to whatever was in the fridge like it was some sort of paid buffet."- Ajj360
Some People Think They're So Special
"I saw Justin Bieber throw a sh*t fit and end up not getting what he wanted."
"We have quarterly team building exercises at my company where you basically go and play mini golf or some other activity capped at $25/person."
"Sometime between 2009 and 2011, I really can't remember exactly, my group just decided to go for a fancy lunch in Downtown Portland."
"After lunch we took one of our coworkers to the semi-famous Nike store which was a couple of blocks away and that was the day Justin Bieber happened to show up."
"When he and his entourage arrived he said something somewhat loudly along the lines of 'Y'all are going to have to leave for a bit 'cause I'm here to do some shopping' and some of his people acted like they were going to try and politely force the already-present customers out of the store so Bieber could shop alone."
"But the Nike employees even more politely told him that was not possible."
"At that point Bieber lost it-I mean he threw a total tantrum because they wouldn't shut down the store for him."
"The tantrum didn't work and he and his folks left in a huff."
"That's really my only 'celebrity in the wild' encounter and it's freaking lame."- Oakwood2317excited justin bieber GIFGiphy
It's Not Attractive To Gloat
"Spoiled rich kid showed up to school in a $325,000 sports car."
"He was showing off, lost control of the car, and drove it through a brick wall and totalled it."- Galemianah
Think Pink, Or See Red!
"Dad buys a rich kid a Mercedes."
"It was pinkish, salmon colored, so the kid b*tched about it."
"Dad took to away, sold it, and never bought him another car."
"Rich brat had to buy his own."- BrilliantWeb
"Saw a college guy with a ridiculously expensive car, can't remember the model, rear-end this woman who drove an absolute beater."
"Her car was definitely totalled and his wasn't looking that hot either."
"He got out and started screaming at this woman."
"She was in tears."
"He kept telling her that she was going to pay for this."
"When the cops came, I saw each of them give their statements."
"After that, me and like 10 people came forward and gave our witness statements."
"It sounded like each and every one of us put complete fault on him, which was the truth."
"When the cops went back to him, I saw his face just sink."
"He probably told them it was her fault and just found out that two handfuls of people just confirmed that he's full of sh*t."
"I've never seen that many witnesses stick around for a simple traffic accident."
"I think the other people felt the same way I did."
"That kid was a douche and should be punished for what he did."- the_planes_walkercar slamming GIFGiphy
Some People Actually Hear The Wake Up Calls!
"One of my college roommates was very rich growing up."
"I didn't realized just how rich until I had to explain to her what a coupon was in very extensive detail."
"On multiple occasions she bragged that she wasn't even interested in her major, philosophy, or college in general, but she was at uni because her parents were requiring her to get a degree, any degree, in order to get access to her trust fund."
"I don't remember ever seeing her go to class and she eventually got expelled sophomore year over academic dishonesty."
"I guess this was the last straw for her parents because they cut her off pretty soon after that."
"This actually served as a wake up call."
"She somehow managed to get a public health degree at a different school in spite of the academic dishonesty listed on her transcript."
"She's doing pretty well for herself these days."
"We've kept in touch and last we talked she was considering grad school."- __justbecause
Schadenfreude, or happiness at the misfortune of others, is never kind.
That being said, it's hard not to smile when people who shamelessly flaunt their wealth and privilege suddenly find themselves a creek without a paddle.
Hopefully, this will teach them to make some necessary changes to their lifestyle.
Though, one can only hope that their parents, who enabled this behavior, also learned a valuable lesson.
We as humans seem to worship at the altars of many.
Religion is religion.
There is a history and a purpose behind it.
Have we gotten out of hand with treating other aspects of life in a Godlike manner?
It's all too serious sometimes.
Redditor KayoshiStoryteller wanted to discuss the things people worship on another level.
So they asked:
"What is not a religion, but people treat it with the same attention?"
The Beyhive. They can be a bit much. But I also see Beyoncé as a religion.
BrandsJust Do It Sport GIF by NikeGiphy
"Brands in general. People praising Adidas, Apple, Hugo Boss, etc."
How DARE YOU!!
"Mommy groups. Started getting completely out of hand when my kids were teenagers. I'm a crunchy mom, I'm this kind of mom, or that kind of mom. Those people get rabid. How DARE YOU listen to advice given to you from a doctor about your individual child, MY group thinks 'THIS.' Heresy! Blasphemy! We will CRUCIFY you!"
"They used to helpful, now they are f**king cults."
"In India, cricket."
"God. The Indian team does idk what, next day everybody in my class (including the f**king teacher) is trashing the team they once cherished."
"And Pakistan, my cousins wife threw her phone and nearly smashed it today in the Sri Lanka Vs Pakistan match when a Pakistani guy didn't catch the ball."
"When the English band Take-that split up, the Samaritans help line had such an influx from beyond broken-hearted teenage girls that they required new personnel for how overwhelmed they became. These girls genuinely lived vicariously through, and lived for these celebrities and little else."
Oh MickeyDisney Fireworks GIFGiphy
"Disney. Especially when you go down to Florida."
The Disney cult. It's real.
"Essential oils too… the young living fans vs the doTerra fans is crazy!!!"
"My belief in homeopathy is extremely strong because I dilute it to one part in a million."
"Some MLM schemes."
"When I was a cable installer. MLM people were my worst fear way more than religious people. One lady spent the entire 4 hours at her house trying to convince me. After 4 hours I still was not entirely convinced I understood what they sold. I am pretty sure they sold self help books. But the self help books were made solely to help you sell more of the self help books to sell more self help books."
"I had an acquaintance who was hyped for a Kpop concert, totally normal right? But no, she was going off about how this is the perfect outfit to get this guy to fall for her and they'll have a spring wedding unless he prefers autumn in which case she would totally compromise. What??"
"She was 19, doesn't speak any Korean, and doesn't want to live in Korea. She's still young enough for people to find it silly and endearing, somehow. When I was in school, if someone was still going nuts for Beiber(?) or whatever past 16, they def got bullied."
"420 culture (I say this as someone who smokes weed)."
"I own a dispensary, a grow, and a processing lab so cannabis is essentially my life, and even I don't take it as seriously as some people. Some people are waaaay to into the culture like to a weirdly fake point where their whole personality is just I smoke weed look at me."
"I can't stand people who treat smoking weed as their sole personality trait."
TouchdownSuper Bowl Football GIF by Unlimited MovesGiphy
"Most religions preach some sort of hope. College football rarely gives me any of that."
Oh the things we worship.
Sometimes people let their minds run wild when thinking of others.
How do people even conjure such nonsense?
It feels like every person can actually be living in their own personal tabloid.
The things humans will believe.
Redditor redditusernameiforgo wanted to hear all the tea we sip about ourselves.
So they asked:
"What is the weirdest rumour you heard about yourself?"
A lot of my rumors were dull. I'm disappointed. Tell me yours.
TotalFreedom Feet GIF by HysteriaGiphy
"That I had 6 toes. Not on one foot, but in total."
"Somebody spread a rumor that I purposefully gave their cat acid by making out with the cat while I had acid on my tongue. They claim their cat has never been the same. I have never french kissed a cat and I would never risk poisoning an animal."
"I notice you don't deny the acid though."
"That my best friend and I had a threesome with this one dude in high school. Until the day I heard that rumor, I had no idea who that guy was."
"There was a rumor that I had sex with a random guy too! Apparently he was the one who started it. When I heard it, someone had to point him out to me because I’d never seen the kid before in my life… smh."pahpahlah
"That I was dead. I got in a bad car wreck in high school and an off duty nurse was first in the scene. She happened to have a white blanket to cover me up with because I was laying on the ground and it was cold. A classmate drove by and saw my car and a body under a white blanket. I missed the next day of school because I was too sore. When I came in the day after that everyone gasped and said they heard I had died in a car wreck."
WTF?Season 17 What GIF by America's Got TalentGiphy
"I got Shingles in 7th grade. I was taken out of school on 9/8/2001. Didn't come back for 2 weeks. Apparently, there was a rumor started that I was one of the pilots on 9/11. Kids are wild."
People have more imagination than they give themselves credit for.
Was it you?Independence Day Happy 4Th Of July GIFGiphy
"There was a rumor In my high school that I slept with all my friend's moms. Had several classmates who I didn't really know come up to me and with grave concern ask if I slept with their mother."
I love mom
"I killed my mother. This went around in high school. While I was in high school. Like somehow I was going to be there in class with them if this were remotely true. It kept me from getting bullied though. FYI I called my mom yesterday and sang happy birthday to her, so..."
"That I was a criminal with a warrant and needed to be in jail. Then the cops showed up because, low and behold, in the paper there was a person who looked f**king exactly like me with a warrant. Got cleared up real fast, but damn if I don't have a near identical twin jacka** out there."
"My mom had frequent visits from the cops because a local petty criminal had the exact same first middle and last name as her. F**king rough being the good clone."
"In school in Ireland a girl asked her ex about me because we were in the same class and in a bid to put her off he told her that I was French, that I wrote poetry, I payed chess and being half English I ate crumpets all the time."
"She still dated me and it made for very interesting conversation on our first date so it kinda backfired on him. What emo teen wouldn’t want to date a French guy who writes poems??"
For Calamari?octopus GIFGiphy
"That I was breeding octopuses for their ink to use in my printer. Spread it myself though as a joke in school, but it caught on and the whole year below me believed it and even asked about it to my friends. Been a while ago but still makes me chuckle."
Oh gossip, it keeps fun alive.
What's the weirdest rumor you've ever heard? Let us know in the comments below.