People Share The Dumbest Way They've Hurt Themselves, And We Can Relate


We walk outside and something immediately has put a target on our backs. Getting hurt out of nowhere seems like a really essential part of the human experience.

u/Rabidleopard asked:

Whats the dumbest way you've ever hurt yourself?

Here's what they had to share.


Used to work at a recycling plant and everyday 1 hour till the end of our shift we had to clean up.

So I was sweeping the concrete floor with those long, fuzzy brooms. After 20 minutes of sweeping I'm getting bored of looking busy so I set the end of the handle in between my chest and continue walking while simultaneously pushing the broom.

As I'm sweeping like an idiot on the smooth concrete, I hit a worn out portion of concrete where it's rough and jagged and the end of the handle comes flying up and hits me right in the throat.

I can't breath for what seems an eternity and I'm thinking to myself I'm too young to die.

Realistically, after 5 seconds I was fine.



You know how when you put a comforter on a bed you kind of whip it from the edges to make it fall into place? I whipped it so hard that the wave crest of the comforter hit the chain cord for the ceiling fan, which was on. The chain cord had a weighted ball at the end that swung up into the spinning ceiling fan. The weighted ball broke off the chain and became a projectile that nailed me in the testicles hard. I dropped to the ground immediately and was in pain for a solid day.



In college I went to visit one of my roommate's hometown. It was near well visited summer destination, with a large lake. We took his Dad's boat out and proceeded to check out the girls and blast around the lake. Being the smart 19 year old I was, I decided to moon him from the front of the boat. Well, he cut the engine and we hit a cross wake.

My bare a** flew over the front. I hit the bottom middle of the boat, twisted, and my bare bum was dragged under the prop, getting cut from the small fin under the blades.

My legs went numb, and my bathing suit was around my ankles. My buds had to help me onto the boat with my junk hanging out. As I regained feeling in my legs, we went to the hospital to make sure not much more than my ego was injured all while my buddy kept asking me if I was going to sue his dad.

I tweaked my story to the nurse, saying I just fell over the front. She suspiciously asked why my bathing suit wasn't cut up. I told her it was just big and must have fallen down.

Two days later, I had to drive my broken self 8 hours back to school and call off my job for the week (doctor's orders).



My dad had taken me and my siblings to get icecream. He was pulling into the driveway. I wanted to see what would happen if I opened the door and put my foot on the ground. You get hurt is what happens.

Also grabbed the cord from a hot iron after being told not to about 6 times. Fell on my chest.

Was super hungover another time and tried to plug a cord in. Put my body in a weird position. My left side cramped. Stretched the other way to uncramp it. That side cramped. Then one of my calves cramped. Just had to wait it out and move around like an idiot.

I get off my couch after a nap kind of aggressively. I push myself up with my hand and swing my feet out and under me in one motion. One time they were wrapped pretty right in the blanket. Luckily my face was there to catch my fall.

No idea how I've made it to 27.



At my second grade Christmas concert we were drawing pictures before the show and I accidentally stabbed myself in the head.

Blood everywhere, pencil sticking out of my head I ran to the teacher who of course freaked out and rushed me to the nurse. She yanked it out and gave me a bandaid (this was the early 90s.)

It didn't really hurt. I got a cool scar and still sang in the Christmas concert.



I sneezed as I was walking, tripped over a box and then went head first into the wall. My poor anxious father was in the other room and just heard a really loud THUMP followed by me cackling hysterically at my own stupidity. He came running in and I was holding my nose with clear fluid running out, unable to put a coherent sentence together (from laughing too hard).

He was convinced it was spinal fluid for some reason and that I had a concussion. He made me go to the doctor (thankfully not the ER). It was just some runny mucus that got knocked loose from my sinuses.



There was a dirty bowl left in the center my now wife's coffee table in college. Her roommate had painted the table with the wrong kind of paint which caused everything to stick to it. So I went to pick this bowl up and it was REALLY stuck on there. So in my infinite wisdom I thought to myself 'I bet I could pick up this entire table holding nothing but the bowl.' Mind you this table wasn't light by any means but I gave it a try anyway. I succeeded in lifting the table a good inch or two off the ground when it suddenly gave way, causing me to slam the bowl directly into my face. I still have a unibrow scar from that incident.



As a kid I was running to hide from someone around the corner of a brick wall, so that I could jump out and scare them. I turned around to check if they were behind me while simultaneously starting to run around the wall. I undershot my turn, so when I looked back in front of me I was staring face first at the corner of the wall running full speed. That was the first time I had to get stitches.



Not me, but my husband burnt his willy on a plug in heater. My dog bumped past it and it fell while my husband was freshly naked and about to get dressed from taking a shower.

The metal heating plate on it was a honey comb pattern so it basically branded that pattern on his penis. The E.R. nurses kept coming in to see what was I'm sure to them entertaining and strange injury. It was hilarious aside from his understandably and excruciating pain.

Luckily for my husband his E.R. doctor was male and made sure the pain was taken care of. The doc was just covering his manhood in horror while trying to maintain composure. That was an interesting night.



I was at the park with a friend, brother and mum and with whatever reason was pretending to be my friends dog. We were on the roundabout and he threw a stick for me to fetch. Being a good dog I jumped off to get it and... slipped. Foot went under the round about and I broke my ankle. On the first day of the summer holidays. Way to ruin the break!



Was walking through the lobby/atrium of a building and someone had done a chalk labyrinth in the courtyard outside and I was looking at it and not looking where I was going, "knowing" the corridor was clear. Since I was looking right I drifted right. and just as I looked forward again I walked, full speed into one of the concrete support pillars for the building. Not small, probably 1.5m wide cylinder full speed, face first. It was perfect timing turn back 2 earlier and I could have caught myself, 2 seconds later and I would have taken it on the shoulder. But nope straight to the face, don't know how I didn't break my nose, but my teeth hurt for the rest of the day.



I was trying to wash my face while in the shower and ended up snagging my nose with a fingernail. Left a lovely scratch that lasted for days. Hurt like a mother at the time too.



I tried to kick my door closed.

I was messed up at the time & was just about to play some Xbox, but I left the door opened a little bit then I tried to kick it closed and I just ended up kicking the corner of the wall giving myself a hairline fracture on my middle metatarsal.



I slipped on a marble and broke my arm on the edge of a stair when I was 7.



Back in high school me and some friends got really drunk and decided to go cause some mischief. I saw a trash can and thought to myself how cool would it be if I kicked that over. I ran up to it and spartan kicked it as hard as I could. Turns out it was full of bricks, which caused me to launch myself into the ground breaking my collar bone in the process.



Halloween, 2017.

My dad was away on a business trip in New York, so my two brothers and I were left to watch the house during trick-or-treating hours. We were supposed to take shifts in front if the garage, greeting the people and wishing them a happy Halloween and all that.

One of my brothers came in and told me it was time for my shift. I walked casually over to the closet where I kept my shoes. As I was in a particularly good mood that day (I had finished a lot of past-due schoolwork earlier), I decided to slide the last few inches of my trek.

I was walking on a polished wooden floor. In socks.

My feet went past my center of balance rather easily, and I went down like a pile of bricks. Landed hard on my tailbone, sprained my wrist, and hurt my neck pretty badly as well. My dad got home a few hours later, and I never said a word about it. Went the rest of the night in pain.

Woke up the next morning, everything felt like it was on fire!



Back in High school a friend of mine brought out a switchblade during lunchtime. I decided to take the switchblade and start stabbing the wall, unfortunately I stabbed the wall at an upward angle causing the switchblade to fold onto my index finger. That day the blade was sharper than my mind.



Walking. I live in an area with lots of slick clay. I was walking with a bucket full of horse feed and my legs went out from under me. Ended up almost breaking my right knee and straining all the stringy bits.

It still hurts a lot most days. I can't bend that knee properly without pain and can't stand with my full weight on it. I've had nights where I couldn't sleep from the pain.



Okay, I just got reminded by my girlfriend of this one: I had been in crutches for a few weeks, because I had a bike accident (which is also dumb, but not as dumb as this one) and my housemates at the time weren't home. I was bored senseless, even of video games, and decided to take my ninja sword out back and cut down some of our overgrown shruberries.

Still on crutches, I got tired and ended up stabbing myself in the side of the left calf accidentally about half an inch deep. The incision was about an inch long. I got a nice scar because I didn't get it stitched up, I put antibiotic cream and wrapped it up at home, which I don't recommend if you have a decent cut.

TL:DR I stabbed myself with a sword while cutting shrubberies while on crutches.



It was Thanksgiving. My aunt, a very hefty woman, chose to wear an all green outfit to dinner. You may or may not remember an ad campaign from a canned food company called Green Giant.

My aunt waked into the room. My cousin did the "Ho ho ho" part and I chimed in perfectly with "Green Giant".

Time stood still. Crickets would have chirped, but they were too embarrassed for her. Way off in the distance, a dog barked.

She swung at me.

A John McEnroe class backhand that was meant to maim and injure. I spun out of the way and started running. I ran approximately 4 feet and then ran right into a door. I broke my nose and blackened both of my eyes. It wasn't a good Thanksgiving for me.



Once when I was a kid, I broke a glass, cleaned up the shards, and put them in what was left of the glass. so after all that trouble I decided to watch tv and get super distracted, next thing I know, I had put my hand in glass with the broken shards, and my hand's bleeding like crazy. The blood's running down my arm and was dripping on the ground. Yeah, I'm not the brightest lightbulb in the box.

Oh and also gave myself a blister from cutting band-aids. The repeated friction between the scissors and my fingers, gave me a blister. Afterwards, I needed a band-aid. Oh, the irony.



When I was 12, I was running and slipped on mud. Sat down on a board that had a nail. Had to get stitches in my @ss. Then I had to explain it on a field trip to the local news station. Talking to the really nice news anchor, and she let me sit in her seat. Except I couldn't. So I kinda leaned on it. So embarrassing. She was really nice about it didn't laugh.

I also slipped off a chair and broke my foot killing a spider in my dorm room. Someone didn't clean her footlocker before packing stuff in it for college. So a nest of brown recluses hatched in our dorm. There were warning signs up.

One night we see one on the ceiling of our room. I was elected to kill it with my roommate's shower brush. The spider jumped at my face, so I jumped off the chair. Except that our room had a big window, which was open. Without a screen. So I kinda tried to direct my fall so I didn't fall out the window and onto the dumpster 3 floors below. I fell on the side of my foot and broke it. I knew I broke it.

My roommates even heard it. Except the spider was still alive. So I slid back on the chair on my knees and jumped the chair up and down until I squashed the spider. It was one of those plastic chairs with U shaped legs, so I was able to kill it quickly.



My bed use to sit on top of bookshelves and so the top of my bed was upper chest level. I was 18 and had been buzzed from having a couple drinks at my moms 50th birthday party and was having a mug of hot tea and watching tv. The mug starts falling off the bed and I go to grab it, smash it against the book case, and then fall off the bed and on to the shards. 2.5 inch razor sharp mug shard in my side.

Awesome right? Everyone else is wasted and my brother wasn't old enough to drive. So I sat around for an hour and drank some water to sober up and drove myself to the ER. Good times.

My bed is on the floor now.



One time I was reading a book in bed and started falling asleep. My hand moved down and let go of the book....right onto one of my balls. That woke me right up and I laid on my side breathing through my teeth until the pain stopped.



One time I was getting my hair done and wearing a really cute long flowy skirt and some treacherous wedge heels that turned out to be a little too high for daytime. Everything was going fine until my deep conditioner was done processing and my stylist came to take me from out from under the dryer and over to the basin to have the goop rinsed out.

While we were walking back I damn near rolled an ankle and toppled like a dictator after threatening central banking. I hit the ground and began the difficult task of trying to stand back up while wearing one of those salon cape things over a long, loose skirt with 4 inch wedges. It wasn't easy.

I had to roll over on my knees and attempt to secure footing while also avoiding exposing myself to everyone else.



I was jumping onto my bed... took a running leap... nailed my knee on the bed post and totally laid there doing the family guy leg clutch for like a good 5 minutes at least. Honestly thought I might vomit.

Also once cut my leg bad enough to see the marbling of the fat. I was cutting a pair of skate guards with an exacto knife and couldn't brace the guard properly against the work bench. Thought using my knee as a brace was a good idea. It was not.



I was trying to close the staple carrier back into the hammer, but didn't realize my thumb was over the area the staples are shot out, so when I put the carrier and hammer together I stapled my thumb.

Another dumb way I hurt myself was when I fell straight back after intentionally letting a ball hit me in a game my family and I were playing. Before then I wondered if I could force myself to fall back like a board and I did, smacking my head first on the ground.



I was taking a shower. My mother had just bought an oil based shampoo. It had the consistency of oil.

I was staring at the bottle, reading the ingredients. Once i read it all, I decided to set the bottle, aside it's unscrewed cap, on the shelf. I was looking through it (because why the f*ck not?) and I dropped it, squirting satan's shampoo in my pure eyes. I couldn't open them for 1 hour because of how much it hurt.

I will never use or even look at that evil shampoo again!



Slicing open a baseball with a utility knife - blade slipped and went right into my palm. Lots of blood, a trip to the ER, 6 stitches in my palm and not able to write for 6 weeks (with a job that required writing). My pinky and ring fingers don't work the same anymore. But I have a cool 1.5" long scar with distinct stitch hole scars in my left palm. Makes for a good drinking story I got that going for me...



Super late here, but I'll share anyway. I was sitting in a chair with my leg tucked up under myself. I got up to do something (no idea what now) and I quickly realized I had madly messed up. I hadn't noticed, but my leg had fallen asleep so when I went to take a step my floor did not respond. I came down with all of my weight (which is no small amount!) with my foot at a really terrible angle.

I fell over onto the floor and had to wait for my legs to stop tingling so I could get back up. My angle was in very real pain at this point and was throbbing. I had to work the next day hobbling around everywhere and I felt so stupid exposing how I had hurt myself.



I was farting around with a desk stapler, had my finger in the way as I slowly applied pressure without even thinking about what I was doing. Twice, in the space of 5 minutes. That was dumb, but didn't really hurt.

One day when I was a kid I was jumping on my parents' bed. They had a very sturdy cedar chest at the foot of the bed, I lost my balance and came down kneecap-first right on the sharp corner of it, HARD. Hurt so bad I couldn't see for a few seconds, couldn't stand for several minutes, and couldn't walk for the better part of an hour. Still have a scar, but thankfully didn't break anything. Lesson learned the most painful way imaginable.



In my country we play rock - paper - scissors by hiding your hand behind your back, and after a word is pronounced you quickly move your hand to your front, revealing your choice.

A friend of mine got his thumb tangled in his pocket while revealing his choice... a fracture playing rock - paper - scissors. Happened twelve years ago, we still laugh.



I was maybe 10/11. I put a remote control monster truck up to my ear to hear the motor or something stupid, and pushed up on the throttle. The huge tires sliced my cheek. I still have a suuuuuuper faint scar that I can only see sometimes, and I'm 30 now.

Another time when I was maybe 27, I was drunk and playing "body blows" with my equally drunk friend. I punched him too hard in the gut and sprained my wrist. I couldn't do a single thing with it for 2+ weeks.



I was walking around talking on the phone to my friend in 8th grade and didn't notice a HUGE piece of wood the width of a dime going straight up into a sharp cone sticking high out of the floor. I walked right into it and it went all the way into my heel. I had to go to the emergency room to get it removed and dreaded telling them that I literally didn't see this HUGE piece of wood right in front of me



Had rented a BIG (for moving an entire house's contents) one-way rental truck. Driver's seat was quite high off the ground. Backing it into my driveway, to begin loading it, I heard a branch on a tree near my driveway go "crunch, CRUNCH, CRACK."

When I parked the truck and opened the driver's door, instead of looking down for the steps to descend safely from the driver's seat, I looked up at the tree that I had hit. I missed the first step, fell, and landed headfirst in a gravel driveway, mostly on my left shoulder and the left side of my head. Had to be in traction and get physical therapy for many months afterwards.



I went head first into a tree while I was sledding when I was probably 7. Luckily only got a concussion...and a giant scab covering half of my face.



I once was smoking a cigarette while using the toilet. As I went to throw the cigarette in between my legs I stabbed myself in the willy with it. Definitely got a blister that looked like an open sore. Kinda hard to explain.



I bent over to pick up a loaf of bread off the bottom shelf in the grocery store. I felt a sudden ache in my lower back, and thought to myself "huh, that's odd..." I stood back up with the bread and headed towards the registers... By the time I made it to the registers, I was bent over and hobbling around like an old man with a walker. Turns out I managed to give myself a major sprain between my L4 and L5 vertebrae.

It took nearly three weeks to recover, and the whole time I was in agony. Everything hurt. Laying down hurt. Standing up hurt. Sitting down hurt. Walking hurt. Even worse, it happened late on Friday evening and I couldn't get a doctor appointment until Monday afternoon.

That first weekend without any painkillers was not fun. I even had shooting pains down my leg; Doc said it was probably because I stressed the connective tissue enough that it was swollen and putting pressure on my nerves.

All because of a god damned loaf of bread.



Literally stepped out of bed while talking on the phone and breaking one foot, simultaneously spraining the other one.



Stabbed myself in the hand with a clickpen... When it wasn't clicked to have the ball point out.

It bled profusely for a while and I had to go get it bandaged asap, but oddly enough I have no scar left over from it. I was an easily aggravated child.


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