People Divulge The Dumbest Way They Ever Injured Themselves
Stephan Asafti/Unsplash

In high school I got mono.

That's bad enough, but the sore throat and raw tonsils it gave me were a million times worse. I wasn't supposed to speak at all.

And then my dog jumped into a lake after some ducks.

My dog, I should mention, could not swim.


So I did what anyone would do and freaked out screaming til the neighbors came to help.

They took ages, so I was already waist-deep in the water holding my dumb dog by her scruff while she snarled and flailed at the ducks.

She was a shih-tzu and absolutely had angry small luxurious dog syndrome.

So the neighbors come running out to me standing in the water screaming, bleeding from the mouth, holding a clearly possessed demon dog in the air with one hand while fending off a duck, who was now furious and trying to murder us both, with the other.

Reddit user TehHooman asked:

"What is the dumbest way you’ve injured yourself?"

I needed another 2 weeks of rest after that.

That is the story of one of my dumbest injuries - and also the story of the time my parents got CPS called on them for my "suspicious rituals."

Parenting kid-me was a trip.

Wrong Hand

fire hand GIFGiphy

"Wanted to get a pizza out of the oven. Put one glove on. Grabbed the baking tray with the other hand."

-firedexo

"I did something similar."

"I had a glove on, but the pizza was stuck so I was trying to push it up from the bottom, ended up sticking my hand all the way into the oven (with mitt) and hit the front of the rack with my arm right where the mitt ended. Now I've got a big ol' scar on my arm."

-rainbowequalsgay

"Baker of 5 years. I've done this so many times it now takes a bit more time for the burn to hit me."

-SteakJesus

"Had the same once, opened the oven with the glove and pulled the tray out with the hand without glove"

-julia_demmings

Low Calcium?

"I was running once and broke my pelvis. I didn’t fall or crash into anything, my pelvis just broke."

-zor998

"Is your pelvis made of cheese?!"

-ZaryaBubbler

"Dude, cheese actually contains calcium."

-LaComtesseGonflable

"I broke my foot on two different occasions just walking. In both cases, I had been walking normally for several minutes in sensible shoes on unremarkable surfaces without issue and then suddenly my foot was broken."

"We figured out later that my ankle was really prone to rolling suddenly because I'd sprained it so many times playing soccer. And it rolled in precisely the right way to make me land hard on the weakest bone in the foot."

-hobbitfeet

"Serves you right for running…"

-ChaosRubix

Careful

fireworks GIFGiphy

"When I was 10, we had one of those hand-held fireworks that shoots in intervals."

"Mine stopped after 3 shots, so I looked into the hole to see if there were any more in there."

"There were."

-MyHeroRemedy

"My grandfather, in his 30s, did the same thing. Except it was with a mortar style firework."

"It obliterated half his face- lost his right eye, half his skull was rebuilt with plastic, and half his face was noticeably lower than the other half."

"But hey, he was an alcoholic and that made him quit drinking the rest of his 80-year-long life. Silver linings."

-Neither_Beaver

"We had something like that at a family party once. It was in the ground and would shoot fireworks into the air at intervals. But it flipped over and started spinning as it shot fireworks out in all directions. I remember seeing my family members running away from it."

-SwansonHOPS

"Roman candles! Almost did this to myself as well, thought all the shots were off, was just tilting it up to vertical when the last one went up."

"Took a lock of my hair off and I couldn’t see for about 30 seconds cuz it passed right in front of my eyes, but I was physically okay"

-kharmatika

Sharper

"Thought sharpening my fingers using a pencil sharpener could give me those sharp nails. It did not."

-two_ate_nine

"How’d you even manage to fit it inside? I’ve tried to do that before but I could never get my finger in far enough."

-SkepticalSpiderboi

"I happen to have a skinny finger and I was about 6 or so, sooooo……"

-two_ate_nine

"Start with one of those pencil sharpeners that's has the outer disk with multiple sizes of hole to accommodate multiple sizes of pencil, from extra small to extra, extra large."

"Rotate the guide disk to the largest hole position, which should accommodate the smallest finger of a child with ease."

"Insert finger. Turn crank. Regret"

-HandsOnGeek

"I came here to say this. I really wanted to be like cat woman. I didn't get very far at least."

-wrathdeltorro

Plate to Face

Baby Pours Plate Of Pasta Straight Onto Her Face GIF by ViralHogGiphy

"Sitting on the couch eating dinner."

"The plate was resting on the armrest and I was cutting the food. I pressed down a little to hard on the side of the plate towards me which was hanging over the arm rest."

"The plate flipped up, hit me in the bridge of the nose and cut me. So I was covered in food with blood running down my face."

"The plate was really heavy and just wrecked my face. It was totally unharmed in this encounter"

-ThrowMeYourPics

"I made some ramen one day and carried the pot back to my desk and I didn't quite get the pot fully onto my desk."

"When I sat down I bumped the desk and the boiling hot liquid went right into my lap."

"I just had boxers on. That was a fun one"

-Spczippo

Handstands

"4 weeks ago I did a handstand in my room."

"Now I have a broken nose, 10 stitches on my face, had nasal surgery with packing and splints."

"It’s been a time 👍"

-nevermyrrh

"Learning go how to fall out of a bad head or handstand is really important before you do one, for this reason."

"Its about knowing how to not panic and drop yourself basically."

"Human brains are dumb as f*ck and without training this is exactly what happens. Hope your face heals well."

-kharmatika

Puppy Love

"I bent down to pet my dog and he moved his head up to greet me."

"Bashed me in the nose and I had a black eye for a week or 2."

- its_justme

"As a dog trainer I can guarantee that this happens way more than you think!"

"You're lucky not to break your skin open or break your nose as I've seen/had happen 🤣"

- Spookywanluke

"My brothers dog did the same."

"Dog jumped up as brother was bending down to grab something. Puppy-skull got him right under the chin."

"Broke his jaw, he lost 4 teeth on the bottom and broke the top 2 pretty badly. He was spitting his teeth out and all the pieces."

"My brother got to the ER and was asking if his dog was okay, he didn’t want him to feel bad for what happened lol."

"He just has a big old pit bull ‘noggin."

- punkishblob

Into The Ocean

Black And White Swimming GIFGiphy

"When I was a kid we had blue carpet in the living room."

"I had just watched some movie or show where the characters jumped into a painting and I started thinking maybe if I believed really hard, the blue carpet would turn into a vast ocean."

"So I climbed up on the recliner and swan dove into the floor."

- LavendAimm

"Okay but what was the plan if this worked? The open ocean isn't a great place for a child."

- Some-Band2225

Wifey Shot Me

"Stood behind my wife at the shooting range."

"She just loaded and latched her Derringer and it slipped before she could half cock it. Hit the ground directly on the hammer which caused it to misfire a .22 hollow point round directly into the center of my right shin."

"It could have been much worse."

"I mean, it shattered my tibia and got lodged in a thousand tiny pieces in my bone and calf muscle so I was on crutches for about a year."

"It also caused multiple blood clots in my leg from the healing process and my leg being stationary for so long which was scary."

"Again, it could have been much much worse."

"If it hit about 8 inches higher or lower I'd be without full funtion of either an ankle or a knee."

"Higher up the hits go past the knee and could have (and probably would have) been much much worse. Like life threatening worse "

"10/10 don't recommend getting shot anywhere at all if you can avoid it though."

- Shwiggity_schwag

Soup Noodles

"When I was 17 I made some soup which had short straight bits of pasta in it."

"I was cleaning the pot and some of the pasta was dried and stuck to the bottom, somehow one of the pasta pieces got lodged under my fingernail. I was walking around my kitchen yelling from the pain and when I tried to pull out the noodle, it snapped."

"I then had my mother trying to get bits out with a needle. It was one of the most painful things that’s ever happened to me so I gave up and left it for a few days."

"Obviously it got very infected."

"I could barely move my finger. I went to the doctors and they made me get ultrasound to make sure it didn’t damage my nail bed - it didn’t luckily but the technician said it was the weirdest injury she’s ever had to ultrasound"

- slugz1

So now that you know how clumsy and totally lacking in self preservation Reddit is, are you feeling a little better about yourself?

We absolutely are.

No offense to you, Reddit - but it's not like you didn't already know you were a hot mess.

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