"I pretended..."

i pretended like i was gonna fall down the stairs and i ended up falling down the stairs.

Anti-Hobknocker

"When I was a kid..."

When I was a kid I would go for walks with my mom on the ranch. I would protect her by fighting off the bad guys (cactus). I had a garden trowel I was using as a "sword". I thrust my "sword" into my foe, and it fought back. I had a cactus thorn go all the way through my thumb. My mom (a nurse) couldn't get it out, my grandma (a doctor) couldn't get it out, ended up going to the ER to have it removed.

shawworx

"Just to make it even better..."

You know how they say that you shouldn't unplug devices by yanking on the cord because it's bad for the plug?

It's also bad for your forehead.

I was rushing out the door to go to work and yanked my laptop power supply cord out of the wall. The plug flew up and pronged me right in the forehead right between my eyes.

All three of the prongs were very clearly visible and each was bleeding.

But, to make it even better, I didn't even have to tell people what had happened. The first guy to notice it scowled for 5 seconds and then said, "Did you hit yourself in the face with a power cord plug?"

"Yes. Yes, I did."

roman_fyseek

"When I was like 4..."

When I was like 4 I was just tossing pebbles over our fence. No big deal. My mom ran in the house to grab something super quick. During that time I picked up a brick, tossed it in the air and watched it come down and hit me in the head. Definitely a hospital trip.

themistermango

"At 5..."

At 5 I was walking around my aunts pool at her apartment complex in California (family members wedding). There was an earthquake the day before and one of those metal grates on the ground had shifted ever so slightly to not be noticeable but enough to not hold anymore. I stepped on it and fell about 10 feet to the bottom. Caught my chin on the steel ladder. Stitches, knocked out, and broken feet. Not a great vacation for me.

themistermango

"I was told by my father..."

I was told by my father to prune the walnut saplings in the yard. They were springy and young, about 15' tall. I had the bright idea of "instead of climbing a ladder, I'll throw a cable around the top and stake them down. Then I'll prune them and let them spring back up." Well, my "brilliant" idea worked like a charm until about three trees in. I stepped over the cable and the stake came out of the ground caught me behind the knees, jerking me across the yard like the world's fattest, whitest Yo-Yo. Wound up with pulled muscles and a fractured vertebrae. On the plus side, from that point on my dad pruned the trees himself.

darthbiscuit80

"At a comedy show..."

At a comedy show the guy sitting in front of me was so fat his back spilled into my leg room and I had to sit with my legs so far open I pulled a groin muscle.

greendale7

"The heat adjuster..."

Back in December of 2018 I slept with one arm on my radiator. Woke up with a huge burn on my upper arm, which scarred badly.

Then, end of April 2020 I slept with one arm on my radiator. Woke up with an even bigger burn over the top of my previous burn, which is still yet to heal and will likely scar even worse.

The heat adjuster on my radiator is broken...

Tiger-Tom

"There was a macaw parrot..."

There was a macaw parrot in a pet shot and I often saw the owner of the pet shop sticking out his tongue and the parrot would gently nibble it with its beak. I tried the to do the same, but the evil parrot bit right through my tongue. I was rushed off to the hospital with blood pouring like a waterfall.

I have never repeated that stupidity and learned that you simply cannot trust animals. Always be careful.

LubedAndWaiting

"I was scratching my nose..."

I was scratching my nose and somehow managed to jam my finger into my eye as hard as I could. I don't even know how I managed to do it. I couldn't recreate it if I tried. I have really long natural nails too so I sliced my eye open and gave myself a massive eyeball bruise.

It looked absolutely grotesque for a week. The entire white of my eye was a brilliant piss-yellow centered around a big bloody spot. It made me sick to look at it.

maddomesticscientist