I was once walking to school during a light snowfall when I fell and busted my butt all over the pavement because I decided to skip through a snowbank.
Clearly I was not meant to frolic like some character out of a musical, but damn it, I still try!
After Redditor joshgutcher asked the online community, "What's the dumbest way you've ever injured yourself?" people were open to sharing the moments when they both hurt and downright embarrassed themselves.
"I pretended..."
i pretended like i was gonna fall down the stairs and i ended up falling down the stairs.
"When I was a kid..."
When I was a kid I would go for walks with my mom on the ranch. I would protect her by fighting off the bad guys (cactus). I had a garden trowel I was using as a "sword". I thrust my "sword" into my foe, and it fought back. I had a cactus thorn go all the way through my thumb. My mom (a nurse) couldn't get it out, my grandma (a doctor) couldn't get it out, ended up going to the ER to have it removed.
"Just to make it even better..."
You know how they say that you shouldn't unplug devices by yanking on the cord because it's bad for the plug?
It's also bad for your forehead.
I was rushing out the door to go to work and yanked my laptop power supply cord out of the wall. The plug flew up and pronged me right in the forehead right between my eyes.
All three of the prongs were very clearly visible and each was bleeding.
But, to make it even better, I didn't even have to tell people what had happened. The first guy to notice it scowled for 5 seconds and then said, "Did you hit yourself in the face with a power cord plug?"
"Yes. Yes, I did."
"When I was like 4..."
When I was like 4 I was just tossing pebbles over our fence. No big deal. My mom ran in the house to grab something super quick. During that time I picked up a brick, tossed it in the air and watched it come down and hit me in the head. Definitely a hospital trip.
"At 5..."
At 5 I was walking around my aunts pool at her apartment complex in California (family members wedding). There was an earthquake the day before and one of those metal grates on the ground had shifted ever so slightly to not be noticeable but enough to not hold anymore. I stepped on it and fell about 10 feet to the bottom. Caught my chin on the steel ladder. Stitches, knocked out, and broken feet. Not a great vacation for me.
"I was told by my father..."
I was told by my father to prune the walnut saplings in the yard. They were springy and young, about 15' tall. I had the bright idea of "instead of climbing a ladder, I'll throw a cable around the top and stake them down. Then I'll prune them and let them spring back up." Well, my "brilliant" idea worked like a charm until about three trees in. I stepped over the cable and the stake came out of the ground caught me behind the knees, jerking me across the yard like the world's fattest, whitest Yo-Yo. Wound up with pulled muscles and a fractured vertebrae. On the plus side, from that point on my dad pruned the trees himself.
"At a comedy show..."
At a comedy show the guy sitting in front of me was so fat his back spilled into my leg room and I had to sit with my legs so far open I pulled a groin muscle.
"The heat adjuster..."
Back in December of 2018 I slept with one arm on my radiator. Woke up with a huge burn on my upper arm, which scarred badly.
Then, end of April 2020 I slept with one arm on my radiator. Woke up with an even bigger burn over the top of my previous burn, which is still yet to heal and will likely scar even worse.
The heat adjuster on my radiator is broken...
"There was a macaw parrot..."
There was a macaw parrot in a pet shot and I often saw the owner of the pet shop sticking out his tongue and the parrot would gently nibble it with its beak. I tried the to do the same, but the evil parrot bit right through my tongue. I was rushed off to the hospital with blood pouring like a waterfall.
I have never repeated that stupidity and learned that you simply cannot trust animals. Always be careful.
"I was scratching my nose..."
I was scratching my nose and somehow managed to jam my finger into my eye as hard as I could. I don't even know how I managed to do it. I couldn't recreate it if I tried. I have really long natural nails too so I sliced my eye open and gave myself a massive eyeball bruise.
It looked absolutely grotesque for a week. The entire white of my eye was a brilliant piss-yellow centered around a big bloody spot. It made me sick to look at it.
Do you have something to confess to George? Text "Secrets" or "" to +1 (310) 299-9390 to talk to him about it.
Redditor Beadiest_Cape wanted to hear the best cuss free insults out there and asked:
“What's the best insult you've heard without swearing?"
Professor burn…
“After getting a compliment on his assignment, A buddy of mine leaned back in his chair and told our college professor, ‘I'm not as dumb as I look.’ To which he leaned forward on his podium and said, ‘You couldnt be.’” dusty_boots
“…and may God have mercy on your soul.”
“One of the best is from Billy Madison, ‘What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.’” maswriter
You should apologize…
“You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you'd better hope they don’t die.” WhatThatBoiDoin
“Whenever this question is posted, my favorite is usually along the lines of: ‘There's a tree somewhere in the Amazon jungle with sole purpose of producing oxygen you breathe. You should go find that tree and apologize." all_worth
How low can they go?
“The bar was on the ground and you grabbed a shovel” BlckAlchmst
“That reminds me of one comment i read saying: ‘the bar was so low it was practically a tripping hazard in hell, yet here you are dancing limbo with the devil’.” give_it_a_vodkashot
Series 2 Limbo GIF by BBC ThreeGiphy"Having been born an infant, and realizing he quite liked it, he decided to stay one forever." overt-wan-kenobert
“From Casablanca: ‘You probably think pretty poorly of me don't you?’”
"’I would if I gave you any thought’" koiven
These teachers got clap backs for days…
“I had a teacher tell some kid ‘Nothing you have to say is of any consequence...to anyone.’ He was an odd teacher who kinda talked like that, but it was his version of savage. The room lost its sh*t in unison.” glib_battling
“I had a guy sit behind me in English class let out of fart that reverberated off the wooden seat. The whole class heard it. The teacher said ‘that's the most intelligent thing you've said all year’. Priceless” melbers22
Bob Dylan…
“Bob Dylan: One day, I wish you'd be in my shoes, so you could know... what a drag it is to see you.” WhatDaufuskie
“I was at a karaoke 50th the other night and this one caught my eye. Thankfully I wasn't drunk enough to sing it. But I love this song for its sick burn. Poor old Edie. Bob really gave it to her that time.” crankenfranken
Down the Monty Python rabbit hole…
“Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt... of elderberries!” UpTwoDownOne
“Elderberries were the cheap replacement for grapes in making wine. That is basically ‘your father is a drunk and can't afford the good stuff’.” ukezi
“And hamsters have sex all the time with no regard for monogamy.” draconum_ggg
“So, ‘Your mother is being cheated on but is also a w*ore and you father is a drunk who is also broke’.” EmpanadaDeMayonesa2
Firefly insults…
“‘My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a...middle.’ --Mal Reynolds”
"’It's not that I hate you, exactly; it's just that any admiration I have for you is well under control.’” FlourChild1026
Shakespeare master of insults…
“Straight from Shakespeare ‘I wish we could become better strangers’.” Dundeklil
“Also from Shakespeare: (Fallstaff, after Bardolf calls him fat) ‘Do thou amend thy face, and I'll amend my life.’” driving_andflying
Excuse us while we go grab the burn cream.
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Sure, it's depressing, but you know what? Aging happens to all of us, and no one is getting out of here alive.
"What gets worse with age?"
Physical consequences of aging is one of the cruelest things in life.
What The Body Does With Food
"Digestive system."
"Every meal is followed by a poop."
Fighting Gravity
"Bending over to pick a quarter off the ground. Hurts your back, gut and your fingers don't work. That's why there is change all over my floor. ;)"
After A Wild Night
"Hangovers for sure."
"At 18 I could go heavily drink and feel damn near 100% the next day. Now I get horrid mental and physical effects. Probably should quit drinking all together."
When our senses gradually start to fail us, it's yet another reminder of our brief mortality.
Look, See
"eyesight."
"Make sure you get your eye dilated every year and check for cataracts."
See, Hear
"My hearing is on the decline. I don't think it'll go completely, but I did get hearing aids last year."
Deaf GIF by memecandyGiphyThe degeneration of certain abilities as we get older is too much to bear.
Staying Above Water
"My ability to cope. I'm just burnt out all the time."
"I feel the same. Aside from my family and friends, I have no care for anyone or anything anymore. Nothing phases me but that's not a good thing IMO. I feel very apathetic towards everything, I'm tired all the time and just want to lay down."
Counting Sheep
"The ability to sleep through the night."
– dabuku1
"Used to be a world champion sleeper and now 5-6 straight hours is huge. Pretty much wide awake every night at 3am."
Putting Up With People
"Humanity.... The older I get the less I want to deal with people."
Maintaining Friendships
"Friendship - making new friends after your 20s becomes a big struggle, and the newer friendships just aren't the same. You can literally run out of 'lifelong friends' due to death, disease, people growing apart, etc."
– cowanon7
I found as I'm getting older my patience and tolerance for certain things have gotten worse.
Waiting in line at the grocery store while someone fumbles with their payment option, or getting antsy when the food I ordered at the restaurant is taking way too long are things that never bothered me ten years ago.
I"m not curmudgeonly by any means, at least not yet. Besides, I'm not that old.
But to all the cranky elders I grew up with who complained about poor service or lack of efficiency, I get it now, and I hear you.