When my brother was about 10, he almost killed himself trying to act out a fight sequence from the Mortal Kombat movie. I laughed (which I got grounded for) - but in my defense he totally yelled "GET OVER HERE!" before he fell.
So we were leaving the movie theater and my brother is about as hyped as you'd expect a sugar-high child who just saw a cartoonishly violent martial arts film to be. He spots a railing and decides he is going to try to reenact the Johnny Cage/Scorpion fight scene - but he's gonna be all the characters because I'm a lame sister who doesn't want to play. (see also: get punched repeatedly)
He climbs the railing, makes it to the top and shouts out Scorpion's tag line, "Get over here!" Which ensures a whole parking lot full of recent movie-goers turns to face him.
It's important to note that my brother had been training in martial arts for several years at that point and his form was impeccable. So he pulled back his arm and threw a proper punch, pivoting on the ball of his foot and rotating at the hips to throw his body weight into it.
Like so:
get over here mortal kombat GIFGiphy
Except he was standing on top of wet railing - round wet railing. The hip twist flung his feet out from under him with enough force to flip him into the air like a pancake and send him slamming to the ground.
I swear y'all I saw him falling in slow-mo like with dramatic classical music and everything; the crowd slowly gasping, reaching out in vain, trying to warn him to just not be so dangerously awesome.
But it was too late. His rat-tail flapped in the wind as he plummeted.
One Reddit user asked:
What's the dumbest way you injured yourself? Either as a kid or adult?
And so now you have a whole article full of ... this stuff. Enjoy the laughs. You probably won't get grounded, but if you do it'll be totally worth it. Take it from me.
Bugs Are Yucky
My dumbest was when I was trimming trees. I saw a nasty looking bug on my left arm and tried to swat it off with my right hand while still holding the saw... there was a lot of blood.
- ehberg
Burger Buns
GiphyOkay this happened when I was 17. Me and my boyfriend were hanging out at the time and it was really late and I was searching for something to eat. I found a bun and needed to cut it open. I looked around and could only find the biggest knife in the kitchen.
So I decided to hold the bread with one hand and use the knife with the other kinda holding both in the air ( why idk why) and sliced right through the bun straight into my hand. I was in so much shock I could only call for my boyfriend just holding my now gushing bleeding hand. He came in freaking out and I had to stay calm even though I just sliced straight through my hand.
My parents were wasted and my dad tried to tie a fluffy sock around my hand. When he did that I tried screaming but nothing came out it was terrible. In the end I somehow got to the doctors and I got a burger after so hey I'm an idiot.
Checking Form
I was trying to film myself bench pressing to check my form, but from a bird's eye view. So I put my iPhone hanging off the edge of a bar directly above where I was laying and started recording.
Forgot to take into consideration, that when I re-rack the bar, it's going to shake the home gym setup I have. Well it did, and the phone came down directly onto the bridge of my nose. It was the corner of the phone that hit me and opened up a small gash but it was deep, and bled A LOT.
The video was me benching, the phone crashing into my face and then onto the ground, then a very audible "AH FCK!".. I deleted it out of embarrassment right after and I really wish I kept it.
I still have a small scar there years later, derp.
Leather Cleaner
Back in High School, I used to bear crawl around the track for a workout. This lead to a seriously gnarly blister that covered my entire palm.
I went to a friend's place and we were trying to play Xbox, but I couldn't grip the controller. So I ripped the blister completely off, leaving a completely raw palm, and washed all the liquid away. I asked him he if had any antibiotics spray to clean it.
We checked, and the closest thing he had was leather cleaner that said "kills 99.99% of germs!"
So I'm like, yeah that seems legit. Sprayed it on my hand, and all's I remember is hearing the hiss it made on my skin before I blacked out and hit my head off the table. Didn't have a concussion or anything, but had a headache for a few hours.
Safety Phrases
I worked as a loader for UPS in the late 1990, the semi trucks, not the brown trucks. We had little "Safety Phrases" we were supposed to follow, courtesy of OSHA. One was, "do not lift packages by straps or bands."
Who follows the safety phrases?
I lifted a heavy package by the plastic straps. Both straps simultaneously snapped. I punched myself in the nose with all my strength. My nose exploded with blood. Of course, my load partner nearly injured himself laughing his @ss off.
- fendaar
Scarred By Chef
Ravioli can. It was the pull tab type but it wouldn't come off easily and I gripped it near the top to hold it down. Finally the lid released but it did so quickly and ended up slicing my left index finger/knuckle open. What had happened is the metal lid had extra ridges in the front, so it wasn't properly cut at the factory, and those little teeth tore into my hand.
I have about an inch long scar over my knuckle, it's faded over the years but Chef Boyardee has branded me for life.
Coffee In The Morning
GiphyCame out to make coffee in the morning. Thought I could feel heat coming from the stove. Touched the hotplate with the back of my hand to see what was going on. Second degree burn. Yep! Left it on the night before.
9 year-old EMT's
I got a cut on my leg from furniture and my 9 year old friend decided the best way was to hot-glue it shut. 9 year olds should never do first aid.
Shower Shenanigans
Was taking a shower at a hotel. Tried to squeeze conditioner out of the little travel bottles they give you. But it wasn't a squeeze bottle, it was one of the ones you just have to bang against your hand until the conditioner comes out. Lo and behold, I try to squeeze the bottle with soapy hands. It shoots out and hits me in the eye. Literally knocked myself out. My eye swelled shut. Good times.
Not A Heart Attack
I over work myself. I ripped the cartilage lining in my chest from moving to many heavy drums. I moved around 300x50lbs drums. Pulling them off pallets and restacking them. Next day my chest was sore. Didn't think about it. Went and moved a bunch of 125lb drums. Again next day chest really hurt. Next day filled a 20 yard dumpster with pallets. Next day massive sharp pains in my chest.
Thought I was having heart problems. Went to the doctor. Heart checked out fine. I try doing certain movement. Agonizing pain. Tells me it'll take 3-6 months to heal.
Me being stupid, I kept working plus doing things in the weekend. Took over 2 years to heal.
Biscuits
Kneeled on a broken biscuit that was hidden in the carpet, 3 stitches in the knee. It had probably been sitting on the floor for a month. That sht is sharper than it looks when they're broken up.
Immediate Failure
GiphyWhen I was 12 my dad got me a brand new katana. It was just steel and cost maybe a hundred bucks. My dad said to only take it out when he's supervising. He handed it to me and my dumb ass head decided to press my thumb on the blade and slide it across. The scream was ear rape.
Buzz Lightyear
When I was like 3 or 4, my dad was mopping the floor in the living room, and I was sitting on the couch and mt dad told me not to walk on the floor because it was wet. At the time of this, I had a buzz lightyear doll that had those attachable wings, and I had left it on the ground.
I went to pick it up off the floor, and surprisingly it wasn't too slippery, so I attached the wings to buzz, then the stupid 3 year old in me kicked in and I started running around the living room with buzz in my hand (like he was flying). That's when I slipped in an almost cartoon like fashion onto my leg. I thought I was ok, because at the time I didn't feel any pain, so everything was fine.
Well, a couple days later whilst at my baby sitter's, she reported to my parents that I was limping. Long story short, they took me to the hospital for an x-ray, and it turns out I had a hairline fracture in my right leg. They put a cast on me and sent us off.
A Painful Lesson Not Learned
At the age of ten I was in a playground and wanted to go down the slide. To get faster I put sand under my butt. I got so fast that I flew out of the slide, landed on the concrete floor and broke my coccyx.
The worst thing was that I tried it again a year later and broke my coccyx for the second time.
Chasing Deer
15 years old, decided that it was a good idea to bike as fast as I could after a deer. Long story short I rode the edge of the sidewalk, and caught my tires, flopping myself face first into the sidewalk.
Stood up and said "I'm fine" but my friends were all looking at me weird. Turns out I absolutely tore my chin in half and bled all over the sidewalk. Got 16 stitches in my chin, still a nice scar that gives me a good laugh whenever I look at it.
Nightmare
Had a nightmare in which i was being chased by a dog. So just before it bit me I threw a punch which woke me up ... because I had hit the wall next to my bed so hard i cut my knuckles' skin open with the rough texture of the wall's plaster.
I bled quite a lot and almost broke my fingers.
Do you have something to confess to George? Text "Secrets" or "
" to +1 (310) 299-9390 to talk to him about it.
We've all had a conversation with someone where they say something where they've said something incorrect or inaccurate.
Sometimes, our gut reaction is just to laugh, as it was an honest mistake, such as mixing up a pair of celebrities or misusing or mispronouncing a word.
Other times, we might feel the need to put them in their place and not only correct them but educate them.
Then there are the times when we have just heard something so shockingly inane that we are left completely and utterly speechless.
Redditor Moo1124 was eager to hear all the dumb things the Reddit community heard which left them dumbfounded, leading them to ask:
"What's the stupidest thing you've ever heard anyone say?"
Before You Denounce Something, Make Sure You Know What It Is
"'I don't believe in astronomy'."
"We asked her if she meant astrology, and she asked, 'which is the one where like, you can tell what stars are made of?''
"We confirmed that was astronomy'."
"'Yeah, I don't believe in that'."- octohog
That Explains All The Traffic Jams?
"That when you press on the horn of your car, it lowers the amount of air in your front right tire due to it helping make that horn sound."- Boomstick123456
Oh, Dear...
"I was walking around the ruins of the ancient cliff dwellings at Mesa Verde just outside of Mancos, Colorado, (where the Ancient Puebloans lived from approximately 550 A.D. to 1300 A.D.) when a visitor asked the tour guide:"
"'Why did they build their homes so far from the highway?'"- badwolf1013
driving los angeles GIF by HOLLYWOOD LOVE STORYGiphyRibbet...
“'I can shoot with my left hand, I can shoot with my right hand, I'm amphibious'."- Master_Grape5931
Racist No Matter What...
"Apparently when my daughter was first born she looked vaguely East Asian."
"Enough, at least, for the nurses to ask if I was sure it was my baby."
"Now that was an incredibly weird thing to say to a new dad meeting his daughter for the first time, but it wasn't the stupidest thing someone said about this situation."
"That happened when I was retelling the above story to a client in a meeting."
"He asked to see a photo of my kid as a newborn, remarked how she really did 'look Asian', and then proceeded to ask if I thought my child might end up having an Asian accent when she got older."- JoeyCalamaro
Cbs No GIF by HULUWhen Life Gives You Lemons
"Asked someone if they drove a stick."
"They responded, 'no, I drive a car'."
"Now I have a dad joke I’ll remember forever."- 99problemsbut
ID Please...
"I once found a big bulldog in my back yard."
"I don't own a bulldog."
"He was a big friendly, but slow witted guy."
"He look healthy and had a collar but no tags so I knew he was a local."
"I made sure he had water and went to the front yard to start knocking on doors."
"As soon as I stepped outside I saw the family three houses down all gathered in their front yard."
"So another case closed for our young detective."
"I walked over to them and said, 'You guys missing a bulldog?'"
"The mother looked at me and said, 'Is his name Tyson?'"
"The question took me aback."
"I mean, he didn't have tags."
"They knew he didn't have tags."
"So all I could think to say was, 'He didn't say'."
"'But I'm pretty sure he's yours'."
"To this day I wonder if that woman knew how dumb that question was."- Spodson
looks stupid english bulldog GIFGiphyUnder The Influence
"Stoned friend ."
"What year is February in?'"- IHave47Teeth
Woof Woof...
"My teacher told a class of 16-17 year olds about that super loyal dog in Japan who walked to the train station daily for nine years to wait for his owner, who died at work."
"After hearing that story, a girl raised her hand and asked 'Why didn't somebody just tell the dog?'"- Senator_Ruth_Martin
That's Why The FDA Warns Against It...
"When I was 12 years old a friend told me 'smoking is good for you because the smoke makes a shield around your heart when you breathe it in'."
"He argued that the smoke could prevent you from being stabbed or shot."
"Even at 12 I knew he was a moron."- ipondy
There's Denying Global Warming, And Then...
"Solar panels will cause a global ice age, because the law of thermodynamics states energy cannot be created or destroyed, so obviously they must be removing heat from the air."
"With no sense of irony of the scale nor efficiency (or lack thereof) of solar panels and their capacity to cool."- peptobiscuit
In Debt, Maybe...
"I knew a Finance major in college who thought he was worth $20k because he had two credit cards with $10k limit each."- alano134
No one loves a know-it-all.
Especially when they don't actually know anything at all...
Shoplifting is a prevalent issue, but why do people do it?
Some reasons can be as banal as boredom, but other are far more intruiging.
Redditor WineOhCanada wanted to understand why people steal, so they asked:
"People who shoplift on the regular: why do you do it?"
I loved shoplifting.
Until I was caught, that is. I was a price tag switcher.
I apologize.
So Excited
Happy Thomas Lennon GIF by ABC NetworkGiphy"It makes me feel alive. Jk I don't any more but as a kid, it was for sure a thrill thing."
silly-billy-goat
The Need
"I’m going to give an actual honest answer as someone who has not done this in many years… it becomes addicting."
anewchapteroflife
"Came here to say this. Back in my high school days, I would do it all the time. It's like a rush. Now my shoplifting days are when I forgot the can of soup on the bottom of the grocery cart and don't realize til I'm loading it in the car."
TheRumpleForesk1n
"I used to work in loss prevention. A lot of times we would let you go; especially teenagers. We knew you would be back and have pictures on the wall of you. We focused on shoplifting rings with a higher dollar amount and employees. Employees rob you blind."
taco_cop
The Hit
"I was greedy and had poor impulse control. While shoplifting was terrifying... having the shiny new thing after gave me a dopamine hit. I got caught three or four times and I thank Christ I was under 18 each and every time."
happyele
"It was less about greed for me I think, I've never been addicted to any drugs, whenever I got caught I would always test negative for anything, the custody sergeant who would take my fingerprints/DNA/drug swab would say 'Sean you're the only one that comes in regular that's not on any drugs, what's going on?' I explained that I was homeless, lost my job because the company I worked for folded, and life just kicked me in the butt."
"Flirty Chez I called her, and she would always give me extra food whenever I was brought in, I just thought that was how she was, then one day she said I need a girlfriend and I shot her down, no more flirty Chez. She was shooting her shot and I rejected her without even knowing it."
hardcoresean84
Exchanges
"Much to my mom’s embarrassment, I was a serial shoplifter as a baby. At least I had the presence of mind to take off my socks and shoes and leave them scattered around the store in exchange."
UsualFrogFriendship
"I was once on a camping trip with my parents. We left the campsite for a day and when we got back our soap had been stolen from the tent. Just our soap, nothing else was taken, but we did find the shoes of the perpetrator!"
"This kid left them right at the entrance of our tent, so it was not difficult to find out who did it. When we went to get the soap back and give him back his shoes, sadly the kid threw it over a fence, so we never got it back."
ptbroeke
Influences
Breaking Bad Crying GIFGiphy"My easily influenced mind was corrupted by TV. If it's good enough for Marie Schrader then it's good enough for me."
DavosLostFingers
TV rots your brains and decision making capabilities.
Do the opposite of your favorite characters.
End of Times
Nbc Shoplifting GIF by SuperstoreGiphy"When I was bedridden due to Covid, I had a friend who shoplifted a whole damn box worth of medicine from different drugstores."
"I was very impressed and confused, as I didn't ask for it. Great friend though!"
pepper-blu
Criminals
"As a former loss prevention officer, most of the people I stopped were stealing to resell the items. Many people were clearly drug addicts and many people I stopped had meth and other drugs on them. Not every shoplifter is stealing to buy drugs, but a ton of them are."
"A lot of other people just stole items they wanted, and some people just have a stealing problem and would take whatever random BS they came across and thought would be easy to steal. If I ever saw someone stealing food I'd usually look the other way, but that was pretty rare to see someone taking food, it was usually clothes, electronics, makeup, or tools."
BigBudZombie
The Rush
"Addiction. And that's addiction to shoplifting, not drugs. It's a rush. Confidence grows with each success. It becomes an obsession. It brings an amount of power when stealing from giant corporations. For me, this question is similar to asking an addict why they are addicted to drugs or alcohol."
"I haven't shoplifted in three years. I attended Shoplifters Anonymous and continue to go to therapy which are both very helpful. I'm very lucky I didn't lose everything."
tacoterrarium
Self-Control
"In high school, I dated this guy who would shoplift and I got influenced to start doing it. After we broke up I kept doing it all throughout college since I was a broke college student who had no self-control. I only shoplifted from big retail stores and told myself it was 'okay.' Post college I stopped because the possible consequences as an adult and to my career were not worth it."
isatacobelle
There was no good in it
"I used to do it as a means to support my drug habit. I wouldn't call what I was doing shoplifting though. I moved the volume and high-end merchandise. Honda generators from Home Depot or Lowe's. Shopping carts full of Tide pods, and Similac baby formula. I'd hit Nordstrom during the holidays for their perfumes and colognes. COACH, Burberry for purses."
"I made a good chunk of change from it, yet I was still homeless. Most of my money went to drugs, and hotel rooms at shi**y hotels. I'm no longer like this. I reached out and went to rehab this past July. I now have 132 days clean and sober, and work an honest job. My life's boring as hell now and I love it. Even though people on the street complimented and applauded my skills."
"I was never proud of myself for any of the stealing I was doing. There was no good in it. Now I feel good about myself and can be proud of what I do. It's a nice feeling to go into a store and not have to be aware of my surroundings and not tighten up when the greeters ask for a receipt. Because now, I can happily show them one. Lol."
Crotch-Monster
Think First
Steve Austin Wrestling GIF by WWEGiphy"I work for a 3-letter retail store in NV and we have a ton of theft. I see a lot of random products for sale on the FB marketplace. If it adds up to over $1,200 it’s grand larceny and you get arrested."
"Walmart also allows up to a certain amount to be returned with no receipt and you get cash back."
samisalwaysmad
What have we learned kids?
Theft never really pays.
Do you have any experiences? Let us know in the comments below.
