Sometimes you walk through life thinking, "I got this!"
This is not one of those times. This is one of those times where you walk through life going "How the eff did I make it out of bed today?"
u/d3dni asked:
Here were some of those answers.
Spelling And Cooking Don't Mix
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I wanted to make cookies for my mom that spelled "mom" and I ordered one "o" and two "m" cookie cutters
Water Under The Sea
I realized this year that pufferfish fill themselves with water when they expand instead of air... I'm 25
Smoosh
Once I picked up a lemon, wondered "do lemons bounce?", and immediately threw it on the ground.
It was the last lemon.
They don't bounce.
Too Many Keys
I've lived at my house for half a decade and I still get mixed up on which way the key goes in the front door. I'm starting to wonder if I should get tested.
Just Can't Stop
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I've stapled my thumb at least once a year from grade six to second year university. The first stapling was because I was showing my friends how my classmate stapled his thumb and the rest of the staplings were from demonstrating to various people how I had previously stapled my thumb.
Hot N Painty
I have 2 stories.
When I was 7 I went outside to play and noticed a blueberry in the front lawn. Of course I pick it up and eat it. It was a paint ball and I instantly regret everything.
When I was 6 I made a bowl of ramen noodles but didnt notice it was a spicy flavor. I put the bowl in the fridge and came back to it a few hours later. It was still spicy and I was very confused. Hot =/= spicy
Hooked
Granted I was young, but in the fifth grade I recall being stung by a wasp and my mother got out an epi-pen just in case I had an allergic reaction to the sting. I didn't and I was fine, but my curiosity got the better of me. Later that night I knew where the epi-pen was, and I wanted to know how big the needle was in case I ever had to actually use it (I had a big fear of needles, guess I just was hoping it was a small needle lol). Anyway, I went to take a look (not knowing how an epi-pen worked) and when I clicked the button the needle when straight into my thumb, bone and everything.
(For anyone that doesn't know, epi-pens shoot adrenaline basically into you which helps combat allergic reactions, and the "button" I pushed is what actually deploys the needle and it's spring loaded so it's pretty powerful). So here I am screaming because there is a NEEDLE THROUGH MY THUMB (and also the junk in the needle is making my heart go crazy.)
I asked my sister to help me get it out but it was so far in that she could not pull it out no matter how hard she tried. When I found my parents outside my dad was able to yoink it outta my thumb bone, it couldn't come out because it bent like a fish hook in the bone of my thumb. In the end I was fine, but it freaked the hell outta me and my parents.
Not Far Enough
In 5th grade we watched a video in class about this kid who carved an elaborate wooden boat, and he burnt a message on the side that asked whoever finds this boat, please return it on its journey to the ocean. He places boat in a creek. It drifts off down stream. The video follows the boats journey where a boy finds it stuck in branches hanging in water. He puts it back into the current. It goes to a river. Bigger river and eventually after a few human encounters, it makes it to the ocean. So....
I was inspired. But didn't live near a creek. My brilliant idea was to make a few paper airplanes. I had just learned a cool new design. I finish one. I write on the side... "If anyone finds this, please throw it back into the sky so it can reach the ocean." Went to front porch and reared back and threw it.
It went 6 feet and nose dived onto the driveway. Picked it up. Threw it again. It looped and fell 2 feet from me. I grabbed it, crumpled it up and remember saying to myself, what the heck were you thinking?
Whoopsie Daisy
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So I was standing outside of a bar in the middle of winter (a little tipsy) and I went to kick the snow off my boots. Because of the icy ground I ended up kicking my feet out from under myself. My legs shot up over my head like I was a cartoon character. Lots of laughs were had. I hate the snow.
All The Same
Just today
I'm in control of ordering and stocking medical supplies for my clinic
I unstacked 20-25 cases of saline with the intent to rotate stock so it won't expire
Once I finished stacking the new delivery (40boxes) and began stacking the older stock on top I realized they all had the same expiration date Oct/2020
I'm an idiot
Going Up?
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At my apartment complex, the doors are all different. When you're opening the door in the garage, the key goes up, when you're coming in from the street, the key goes down. It drove me so crazy for a while, I felt like I was going literally insane because I couldn't remember which was which.
Calc Damage
I wrote [2+2] to my calculator during a statistics exam and before I pressed [=] I uttered "oh."
Not because I found out the answer, but because of the realization that I may have some kind of brain damage.
Funny thing is i had a problem once on an exam that was similar to this, I knew the answer because it was obvious, but I still used the calculator because I ain't trusting my brain lol...
Stupid receipt.
Bought a can of coke, walked out of the store with the receipt in my other hand. Immediately tossed the coke in the deepest trash can ever. Stupid receipt. :(
This reminds me of a video I saw once where a woman was feeding ducks by a dock with the bread in one hand and her phone in the other. You can see where this is going.
Hand Seared
One time I didn't want to dirty a plate to heat up my doughnut in the microwave, so I thought for a moment with myself I should try and just hold it in my hand while it cooked in there.
Beyond the SIlence
Searching for my phone when getting out of the car while on the phone. Then telling your phone on the wire you can't find you phone..... The silence was deafening.
If it helps you feel better, my friend did that once, while I was next to her, and I helped her look for her phone. Her mom was laughing at us on the phone.
Protein Add ON
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Very nearly tried to stop a blender blade with my fingers.
You mean to say you nearly added too much protein to your smoothie.
High Time
I once was going to microwave water to make tea, I put an empty mug in the microwave with no water in it and I microwaved it.
Same! But I remembered to add a tea bag...the smell of that burn will never go away!
A walk off
I once opened the washer to get the clothes, but got sidetracked by my dogs wanting to go out. When I came back in, I turned the dryer on and went about my business. Came back an hour later to fold them and the dryer was empty.
Give me Light!!
Spent almost 10 minutes looking for my phone. Using it's light because it's dark. As if it wasn't bad enough to realize I was using my phone to look for my phone, I'm alone at the house. Why didn't I turn on the lights??
u/Mando_calrissian423 commented the same thing below.
A lot of people make that kind of mistake once in a while. Just recently my phone 'disappeared', because I put it under a piece of paper for absolutely no reason and I spent way too much time looking for it everywhere except my room.
Once I also left it in one of the cabins of my bathroom for some reason.
Damn Auto
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I argued with an English teacher that it was spelt 'expresso' purely because I spelt it wrong once and autocorrect never corrected me.
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Wire Crossing
I threw an entire glass of milk in the recycling instead of the empty carton I just poured it out.
Having trash in one hand and freshly prepared food in the other is never a good recipe to start with. Just... the wires in your brain switch for a moment.
Why Am I Like This?
I spent a good 5 minutes looking for my soccer bag that was in my hand the entire time.
Every so often when I'm driving, I'll siddey check my pockets for my belongings. And for a moment I'll think, "crap do I have my keys?" Then I feel really dumb for a bit.
Finger Navigation
When I'm at a gas station I usually take a minute to grab trash out of my car, except that I'm always holding important things in my hands too. So I have to navigate which fingers to move to throw away the Red Bull can, receipt, business card, straw paper and not my keys, phone, and wallet.
Volume Drop
I turn the the music down in my car when sometimes when I'm trying to turn on the air.
Your brain has a processing load limit, like a computer. So turning off music when you need to focus on something else frees up processing power.
Avocado Danger
Once when I worked at a Chipotle I was making guacamole. I had been employed there for about 2 years at this point, so I was going through the motions, tired as all hell, get about half way through scooping the avocados out of the skin, (about 24 of them), and looked down to see all the skins in the giant bowl in front of me, and all the avocado in trash can directly to my right. Covered in the blood from all of the steak and chicken I had marinated about 30 minutes prior.
༎ຶ‿༎ຶKnob Control
I am a baker at a local cafe' today I burnt the same thing 3 times because I had the oven set to 350 instead of 300. Whoops.
My roommate was making bacon in the oven.
- Set the heat to broil instead of bake. Which wouldn't be a problem except broil defaults to 650 degrees.
- Set the timer to 3 hours instead of 30 minutes.
- Forgot to actually turn the oven on.
This is the same thing that decided to use my very nice teflon pan to actually fry a grilled cheese and then forgot to turn the heat off.
It's so damn hard to get burned carbon off teflon without scratching it to hell.
Back to 8
Google the definition of a simple word. It's like when in maths exam I check in the calculator if 3+5 is still equals 8. I keep doing this all the time.
Well come January 4th, from 10:32 am to 10:43 am, 3+5 will temporarily equal 7. So keep that in mind for any exams. Afterwards it will go back to 8.
It's due to something called temporal balancing.
Thank you Sonicare....
I was 16 and had a Brand spanking new Sonicare toothbrush. I was going about my daily, morning brush and was getting VERY aggressive in my side to side brushing to REALLY get in deep and in a moment I opened my mouth just a little too wide...
I proceed to aggressively brush my left eyeball in one swift movement.
I remember trying to put the toothbrush back in my mouth before the searing hot, BLINDING (literally) pain made me drop my toothbrush in unison with my VERY loud yelp.
After my dad stopped crying from laughter for what felt like 10 minutes, I washed my eyeball with clean cool water for about half an hour and though my eye was red for a week, I suffered no permanent long term damage
Except for my pride.
Keep It
Pulled into McDonald's, ordered my food, paid for my food, then promptly drove off without my food. I've done this twice. Having to go in to get my food after that is embarrassing. It's my walk of shame.
My mom has done this a few times lol. She gets embarrassed having to go in and tell them too. Thank goodness she realized it very soon after she drove off.
Eat Up
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I once prepared a sandwich to pack in my lunch for the next day. Then I immediately absentmindedly ate that sandwich.
Dial
I was browsing through my phone when I asked myself something and thought "I'll just check on my phone" and, then, reached for my pocket. My heart skipped a beat as I couldn't feel my phone in my pocket (which obviously couldn't be there because I'm holding the freaking thing in my hand!) and then I realized how surprisingly dumb we, humans, can be in just a few seconds.
Seasonal Van Issues
During the winter I'll leave my car running while I run inside to grab anything, then spend an extra 5 minutes looking for my car keys before I go outside.
Depends on ventilation around where the car is and weather conditions.
I work with vans, and we had to remind drivers to switch off the engines of their vans as soon as they came in because where we loaded them was under a canopy with really bad ventilation.
The carbon dioxide would very quickly build up and some of the staff would complain about being light headed.
So yeah, if your car is in a garage or something, I can totally believe this (not to mention that that is literally a method used to kill yourself).
Do What?
While attempting to microwave something, the screen kept saying "do or". I spent about 5 minutes questioning " do or what???" Before realizing it was telling me to close the microwave door.
Truly my lowest point.
To Me
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I once sent a Fedex, priority, to myself.
I wrote my info in the 'to' section.
Jump and punch it full force....
I was cooking some fish when the smoke detector in my apartment went off. I was cooking on one too many pans at once so I was flustered already, but then I wasn't able to locate the smoke detector because I had just moved in. I was frantically looking for the thing with pans boiling over in the background. When I finally found it in the hallway my gut reaction was to... jump and punch it full force.
It didn't go quiet but my knuckles got bloodied up quite nicely. I looked at my hands in amusement and just stood there dumbfounded at myself for a few seconds before finally doing the logical thing and pressing the button which shuts off the alarm.
being 13
One time when I was 13, I held my phone over a well just because I could, then I accidentally bumped it against something and it fell in. I felt like a complete dolt and an absolute cretin.
Your phone died thinking it was murdered.
Squish
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Squeezing a squeaky toy in one ear to see if the sound would go out the other.
Ready to Save You... Eventually
My boss told me to register and pay for a CPR class online and then take a photo of the front and back of the card and submit to her. She meant the certification card, not my credit card. I was brand new! I chalk it up to nerves and anxiety. My brain wasn't ready. I was promoted eventually.
Zoom In
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I was reading a magazine the other day and wanted to see a picture more clearly and tried to pinch-zoom with my fingers... this was not the first time I've done that.
Still
Got trapped once because the button to open the automatic door wasn't working.
Forgot that you could still manually open the door.
Stood there like an idiot for 5 minutes and texted a friend (who was nearby) for help.
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Enflamed
Had a roommate deep frying some chicken tenders in a saucepan. It was boiling out of control and I grabbed it and ran outside, where it was raining to dump it out. It burst into flames and I almost caught myself on fire.
Braking Along....
I tried to tow my friend's truck using my truck and a towing strap. Hooked everything up. I got in my truck and he got in my passenger seat and off we went. The first moment I had to brake, which was like 20 feet I realized he should of been in his truck, braking along with me.
Teawise
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I put my tea into the microwave for 2:00. The handle was on the right at the beginning. I became pissed that the handle ended up facing away from me every time. It took 8 or 10 tries before I wised up... sigh.
Less Than
Reject something because it's less than I expected, leaving empty handed when I could have at least gotten something partial.
It's even worse because I've done it several times already, it's like I just can't figure out that something, even if small and insufficient, is better than absolute nothingness.
Ashes & Pop
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Once poured a can of soda into the kitchen garbage can, and emptied my ashtray into a glass of ice.
Cycled Back
I left my brother's new house, we both live on exits to the same canal but 13.5 K apart. I cycled out to him had three or four beers and left to go home. I start cycling and it seemed to be going on forever but it was a nice evening and I was tipsy listening to music. Next thing I see is Leixlip station and realize I've gone 8 K in the wrong direction. By the time I made it back to my brothers exit I had cycled 16 K of a 13.5k journey and still had 13.5k to go.
Debt Collector
I took a loan on a car at the age of 19. Then traded that car for a new one and increased the loan. Now I'm in debt and can't go into school until my loan is paid off. I've been trying to sell the car for almost a year but since (not US or UK or any 1st world country) we are having very good economic times, nobody is buying used cars that are newer than 3 years. Yay.
to ascend
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We were Christmas shopping at the mall and the escalators were out of order. We spent ages hunting around for a fire escape or elevator because we forgot you can just walk up them.
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There are a ton of jobs or favors that don't require much skill, experience, or labor, and people who are fortunate enough to get hired walk away with a king's ransom.
Looking for those kinds of "jobs," however, is like finding a teardrop in the ocean.
Few who struck gold, at least temporarily, shared their experiences when Redditor NikTheNerdBoy asked:
"What's the dumbest thing you were paid to do and how much were you paid?"
Good luck finding these well-paying tasks.
Running Errands
"Had a WFH gig working sort of as a personal assistant for a rich guy on the opposite coast from me. I did all kinds of wacky sh*t for him. For example, one time I had to break up with my boss's girlfriend because he was too wimpy to do it himself. That was literally my job."
"One day, I bought him a new pickup truck. Meaning, I negotiated the deal and paid for the truck with his credit card. All in all, I'd say the process probably took about two weeks, for which I was paid my usual wage at six hours per day. No big deal."
"Somehow, his dad found out about the new truck and he decided he wanted a new pickup truck too. He called me about a week after I bought the truck for my boss and said he'd pay me $2,000 to buy a truck for him. I called the same dealership back, spoke to the same salesman, told him what was up and basically said give me another truck, same price as before. The salesman was only too happy to comply."
"It took ten minutes to make the phone call and then a day or two to get the title and other paperwork sorted out. So, depending on how you look at it, I made $2,000 for just ten minutes worth of 'work.'"
"Somehow, my boss's rich friend found out about all this. He decided he wanted a new SUV. 'OhYeahThrowItAway, you have to buy it for me!' I told him the last time I bought someone a vehicle, I got paid $2,000. The friend was basically like F'k it, I'll pay you $3,000, just get it for me' and then he emailed me his wish list."
"That deal took a little longer, maybe two weeks."
"I made $5k extra in just two months buying vehicles for lazy (or dumb) rich people."
Staying Out Of The Picture
"I was paid $300 to move my car for a movie that was filming by my apartment."
– dragoblaster666
Pack It Up
"Got paid 10k to leave an apartment because it was sold and new owner wanted to move in. I was tenant (renter) under previous owner. I had 4 months left in my rental contract. This was in Spain (Barcelona)."
European Vacation
"I was flown to Paris to do a compliance audit, the systems weren't set up for the audit, couldn't get access so spent the week being taken to restaurants and shopping. On 1 of the days and at the last minute the company decided to send me to London for a meeting, literally just to meet people. I missed the Eurostar because I forgot my passport (totally blanked that I was entering another country), they had to rebook the Eurostar. Nothing was achieved out of this trip. No audit was completed. Nothing came of the meeting. The cost to the company 25k+ for me to do nothing for a week. Corporate money is ridiculous money."
– _Justag1rl_
Not much labor was required for these so-called "jobs."
Ten-Minutes Of "Work"
"I used to work for a PR agency. Every month one of our clients wanted a handful of photos re-sized for their website; nothing fancy, just setting the width to 500px in Windows Photo Manager."
"It was maybe ten minutes of work every month, but the contract said the minimum amount of time we would charge them for was one day - and this was for the full team too, not just me. It must have cost them several hundred pounds every month."
"I showed the client how to do it several times, and explained that they could save a lot of money doing it themselves. They didn't seem to mind."
"In the end I made sure I got it in writing that I'd informed them of their options and let them get on with it."
– TheRainyDaze
Thank You, Goodbye
"$175 to do some kind of user study at Netflix, I show up in the lobby and then they go, 'actually we got the data we needed from the studies earlier today, you're free to go!'. Still got paid!"
– Lycid
Hush Money
"I did an event for a national association for deaf people at which they did every presentation in ASL. I am an audio engineer, who specializes in live sound and concerts. I did nothing for 5 days of show, $450 a day."
– murter95
Paid To Play
"I got asked to do 2 hours of barrier watch (Guarding a barrier ribbon while a crew did x rays inside a power plant). This was asked last minute after a 12 hour shift so the bonuses of staying happening to be a Sunday, etc I was being paid $110 to stand and play on my phone and make sure sure nobody tried to pass all the DO NOT ENTER DANGER DANGER signs during a time of day with minimal personnel."
– Hotel29
Movie Scene Dance GIF by FandorGiphyGotta Have Wendy's
"I was driving for uber. Picked up a bunch of drunks at like 2 AM. They were like 'Yo we gotta grab some Wendy' I go 'I'm sorry this is my busy period' they go 'Can we bribe you?' I go 'Absolutely you can bribe me.'"
"One the guys said I'll give you $100...I was shocked it was that high, another guy said '$150' and finally his wife said 'F'k it I want Wendy $200 and we buy you Wendy too.'"
"I finally said yes, FYI I hadn't said yes yet because the reality is $20-$40 would have gotten me to stop at Wendy."
"So there I sat at Wendy as those 3 drunks bought me wendy and paid me $200."
– luther_williams
Substitute Chef
"One time I was at this super fancy dinner party. I'm talking servers and everything, I was in a freaking tux! It was outside and catered by a professional bbq company. I mean these guys had won international competitions. Well get this, they were double booked and didn't show. The other servers didn't know how to grill, and this totally smokin server in her 30s is just staring at the grill like a deer in the headlights. Well I don't want to be a hero but I ask if I can help. The entire staff spend the rest of the night bringing me drinks as I make this bbq and NOBODY realizes the award winning chefs didn't show up!"
– Train3rRed88
Where Do We Apply?
"Ok this wasn't a job or anything.... But I got 10$ to eat half a watermelon."
Some opportunities present themselves.
When I was a kid, I hung out at a Japanese summer festival booth where you roll a bowling ball on a track that had two hills. The objective was to push the ball hard enough to get it over the first hill but not too hard to get it over the second hill.
I was fascinated with the challenge and stayed there for a long time as my parents were over by the food booths with their friends.
It was a slow day, and the dude working the booth wanted to peace out for a bit, so he offered to pay me $50 to "hang out" in his stead.
Of course, I said "sure."
No one ever came, and I earned fifty bucks rolling bowling balls for an hour. Was it the dumbest thing I ever did for money? Maybe, but I laughed all the way to the piggy bank that day.
That guy really must have despised his post enough to give a twelve-year-old kid $50.
Food is for survival. That was the plan. But over the years it has become somewhat of a way of life. Some of the most annoying people are foodies. They get so uppity about the preferences of others. Like, let me just enjoy what I enjoy.
Mom No!
Mom Smile GIFGiphy"I don't like my mom's cooking."
"Livestock have refused to eat my mother's cooking. She's a terror in the kitchen."
Take them OUT!!
"I hate walnuts in baked goods. It tastes like wood shavings and completely ruins the flavor."
"I love walnuts but I feel this way about raisins in baked goods, raisins are fine by themselves but not in sweets, I once ordered cinnamon rolls at Hardee's and bit into it and found out there were raisins in it, and I was grossed out and didn't want to eat it. At least freakin' McDonald's serves real cinnamon rolls without freakn' raisins!"
The Fart Ingredient
"I don't like kidney beans except in chili."
"I don't even really like them in chili. I'd rather have pintos in everything."
Oh thew Crunch...
"Pickles and onion make the best sandwich. I make most of my own pickles from stuff I grow or get from local farms in the fall, but I responded to another comment with two different heinous concoctions I enjoy. Crunchy, salty, sour. I really like pickles and onions to begin with."
"I use more than pickled cucumber though. Like the last one I made, I used garlic naan, mayo, red onion, scallions, pickled garlic, green olives, Kalamata olives, garlic dill cucumber, and green beans. Shallot, sour pickled onion, sweet pickled cucumbers, and sushi ginger on sprouted 14 grain bread is also also a favorite of mine."
No Sizzle
bacon GIFGiphy"I do not like bacon."
"I've been learning this over the years. If I'm gonna do bacon I much prefer the maple bacon since it's sweeter and doesn't overpower with saltiness."
- truije15
Who doesn't like bacon? That seems like a sacrilege. Right? But to each their own. Though I will never understand not loving walnuts in comfort food. Y'all need more self love.
Love the Big M
"Fast food tastes amazing, yeah its unhealthy as hell but don't you sit there and lie and say it tastes bad."
"Pisses me off when people act like they're better then McDonald's. What the hell? McDonald's is incredible and billions of people buy their food still. The same can't be said for other restaurants."
Blasphemy!
golden girls flirting GIF by HULUGiphy"Cheesecake is disgusting."
"I don't find cheese cake disgusting. It looks good. Smell delicious. Has ingredients in it that I love. But i can not eat more than one bite. It is too rich. One bite and i feel sick."
Too Many Legs
"Lobsters and crabs are giant insects."
"I don't really think that's that controversial, in my area of the world we even call this creature a 'Moreton Bay Bug' even though some fisheries try to give it the more appealing name of 'flathead lobster'."
bad bones
"Boneless wings are vastly superior to bone-in wings. I think bone-in wings are a ripoff because when you get half a pound of them, part of that half-pound is inedible. It's like if you ordered a quarter-pound cheeseburger, but the restaurant considers the weight of the plate to be part of that quarter-pound and you end up with just a slider. Just give me some damn meat."
The Slime
man oyster GIFGiphy"Oysters are truly disgusting and absurdly overpriced for quarter sized pieces of snot that tastes like salt water and hot sauce."
- C_23_s
Ok, I'm trying to stay calm. I don't want to judge. But some of these opinions... are leaving me shook. Except the oysters. That is that work of the devil. Look away...
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