Driving Instructors Break Down The Worst Student Driver They've Ever Seen
Some people should only have chauffeurs.....
The roads are a battlefield. The truth is, any fool can obtain a license. I can prove this because I was given one after I failed my test eight times. I finally passed on my ninth swing. I don't even want to get into the decade that followed. Let's just say a local traffic judge knew me by name when we met at a local restaurant. Later I became a teacher for a comedy traffic school for people who got tickets.... the novel I could write. Buckle up out there people.
Redditor u/imnotinsane13 wanted driving instructors to help us out and let us know just how dangerous the road is today:
Driving Instructors of Reddit; who was the worst student you had or the craziest drive you had?
NOW you want a license?!
driving ferris buellers day off GIFGiphyMy instructor told me about a little old lady (LOL for short) who some reason had decided that retirement would be a great time to her license.
So they're coming up to a roundabout and this being a RHT country you're supposed to go to the right. Instructor tells her to take the third exit, and comments that you can signal this by signaling left going through the roundabout. LOL. She misunderstands, signals left and goes freaking left!
Luckily nothing happened and the instructor understood that this particular student had a very low cognitive load threshold and would not be able to smalltalk.
He remembered her fondly and even helped her pick out her new car. As he said, that was the least he could do, it was the most anybody had ever spent on license training at that school... By something like a factor of 4.
Driving as a Weapon
Class A CDL instructor.
Not my drive, but another of our trucks was heading southbound. Student driving, instructor in passenger seat. We are located in mostly suburbs/inner city. Lots of traffic.
Student in the left lane while a car heading northbound swerved into their lane. They hit a Ford Focus head on. I arrived on scene before police (we were 5 minutes behind them) and found the guy in the focus still in his car.
I'll never forget how he looked. No injuries, just sad. And when I asked if he was okay he said "I wish I wasn't."
They took him to be evaluated by psychiatrists. The Student and instructor were both fine but the student ended up dropping from the program.
I'm Turning Boss
I'm a driving instructor but I teach people to drive semi's. The worst student I ever had already had four years of driving experience; with what's called a Rocky set, (45' trailer with a 28' trailer behind it.).
This person couldn't turn for crap, I still wonder how they never hit anyone. So, when I train it's two 28's, that's all they pull for two weeks. So, we take our second turn, a left onto a pretty wide street and they're turning like they're in a car. Like, not even into the intersection and they've already started to turn.
I tell them no, straighten out and go forward until I tell you to turn. They keep turning, I say no! Straighten out and go forward until you pass the double yellow lines! They keep turning and if they keep turning like this we're going to clip another car turning left. At this point I say No! Straight! Just go straight! Thankfully he does.
I tell them to pull over and they do. At this point, I turn to them and scream, "What the hell was that?!"
Give me the keys, I'm driving. I take them back to an intersection, make a right and tell them " That's how you turn, wide." Pull over at a gas station and switch back out. Same thing, crap turns.
I ask them what they're doing? "I'm turning boss!" I say, " No, go deeper, you're going to hit someone."
I took me 5 days just get them to turn. He's a good driver though, just needed some edges worked off.
What Did I Miss?
Fear Bugs GIF by Digimate.ioGiphyI'm a driving instructor, I had a low confidence 16 yo driver on the highway for the first time.
Got her in the middle lane doing 65 when she states... " I think I'm gonna fall asleep " As my mind is processing, WTF did she just say, I look over at her and her head goes clunk up against the drivers window and her eyes are closed and she looked passed out. Her hands are still on the wheel but she turned to the left. Now we are in the left lane heading toward the median.
Her foot went to the floor. I tried to get the car back onto the pavement and I had to switch hands because I needed to get her foot off the accelerator, and get the steering back under control. I got the car back onto the roadway, under control and headed for the breakdown lane on the right side.
With my heart thumping I got the car stopped. At this point, the drivers sits up alertly, laughs and says ha-ha. What did I miss??? She had narcolepsy and she nor her parents ever told anyone. I was obligated to notify DMV, and her permit was revoked, until she was certified by her doctor. Her parents were pissed, but you and I are alive because we got her off the road.
Paul
Former instructor here. I was also the office manager for the driver's ed. I mostly did office work but was certified to make extra cash on weekends and to fill in in an emergency. My personal worst was a very sweet, very timid girl who was terrified to go anywhere near the speed limit if it were anything over 30. On back roads in the country that was terrifying.
The worst one I can think of nearly caused an accident while on his driver's license test by just pulling out of the parking lot. That's obviously an automatic fail. So the kid and instructor come back and then the dad comes storming in pissed that his kid failed. He's screaming at me and the instructor while the poor kid is sitting there head in hands obviously mortified by his dad's behavior. I ended up threatening to call the police to finally get him to leave.
The absolute worst drive was after I left the company because I moved but it ended up in the news so I found out. A kid and an instructor were on a drive, great kid by all accounts. Another driver, a dude in his truck was distracted on his phone and hit the driver's ed car. It wasn't a terrible accident but bc of health problems the instructor had he ended up dying later at the hospital. RIP, Paul.
When in Driver's Ed
Not an instructor, but when I was in driver's ed there's was a guy in his third year of the class, second semester. He was a senior, and this was a 1 semester class, so his 6th time. We would be on the driving course, he would go into a different student's zone, I was on the figure 8 and he joined me going the wrong direction (I almost hit a different kid trying to avoid him hitting me), crashed a car through the fence at the end of the course and into the ditch in the field by the course, ended up going the wrong way on the freeway at 70 (no idea how, there was a median barrier), and crashed a car into the auto shop at the school. No idea how he was allowed to take the class in the first place, because he was apparently this bad every time he took the class. Also not sure how he survived his 5 previous times in the class.
My Swan Drive
This is the opposite but I'll never have the chance to share this story otherwise.
I was doing my 2nd "behind the wheel" with a driving instructor. I was already really nervous before I got in the car and she said "You're my last student I'll ever have! They fired me."
After an awkward pause where she stared at me, she laughed and said "No, actually I'm moving to Chicago to work for a local news station."
I didn't find it nearly as funny as she did lol.
Just too Much
Driving The Goldbergs GIF by ABC NetworkGiphyObligatory not a driving instructor but mine told me about all the worst drivers he's had.
He told me about a girl I went to school with (idk why he shared names) and how she refused to get close to the speed limit and he was worried she'd fail because she was too careful.
I asked if he's ever felt like he was in danger and he talked about a guy a long time ago that went way too fast and refused to slow down, blew a stop light, and eventually got pulled over by a cop during his driving lesson.
Small Town Tales
Not an instructor but when I was in driver's ed we had a girl that was terrifying. She was alway over the middle line and hit every pot hole. One especially exciting day she put us in a ditch the car had to be towed out of then on the next lesson side swiped a car in the on coming lane. All while the instructor told us about his second job as a security guard at a popular camping area where he caught my step dad screwing a family friend before he was my step dad.
I asked step father about it he laughed and admitted to it while telling me about said instructor getting caught with my best friend's aunt at the same place. Wild times. My uncle also fought the co-instructor when he was younger gotta love small towns.
Two Wheel Trouble
crash fail GIFGiphyMotorcycle instructor. I had one student blow a turn wobble around back onto the course.
I'm frantically blowing my whistle to "blow the exercise dead." Everyone is stopped but the wayward rider who then slow mo fixated on another student and ran into them. Didn't finish the class.
Wrong Side
Not an instructor but this was while I was doing my driving test along with two other people in the car.
Driver one: almost rammed into a group of kids using the cross walk.
Driver two: she was driving and the teacher said to her "do you see anything wrong with what you're doing right now" she then said she didn't and she was DRIVING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD.
He then hit his brakes and said "you failed the test. Now get out!" looks and me and said "your up kid" it didn't help me by starting my drivers test while having two kids in the back crying. But I did pass my test though.
Death
angry he man GIFGiphyNot an instructor, but someone I know had his instructor scream "we're gonna die!"
Whoops....
I knew an adult woman who said she had lost the right to have a drivers license. When she was sixteen she took the road test, failed it, and hit the instructor with the car after learning she failed. He got a broken leg and she was banned for life from driving.
Confusions
My first time ever driving a car was with my driving instructor, and I got really confused between the brakes and the gas all the time, I'm sure he thought he was going to die that day. Anyways, the lesson is over and we pull back into the parking lot, and I know that I have to hit the brakes down all the way before putting it in park. But, I forgot which pedal was which and hit the gas all the way down when we were right in front of the building. Thank goodness he was already on edge with me, so he immediately hit the brakes on his side. He practically leaped out of the car lol.
"I have to potty!"
I was the student, and I doubt I was this dude's wildest lesson.
He spent the whole time ranting about his ex-wife and how he "had to" take low-paying jobs so that he would pay less in alimony and child support. Then we get to this park, he tells me to turn into it, and then to park the car. I'm a pretty new driver, so I am inching my way into a spot, trying to get it right even in the empty lot, but then he SLAMS on his instructor brake. He brings the car to a stop in the middle of four spots, blurts out, "I have to potty!" and bolts out of the car into the park's visitor center. I was absolutely flummoxed.
A Bump
driving slow down GIF by Super SimpleGiphyMy drivers ed teacher when I was 15 told me I was "The only student in all his years of doing this that got stuck on a speed bump."
I was so scared I was going so slow I was not able to make it over the speed bump and got stuck right on the top of it. He was laughing in exasperation.
Within Seconds
Not an instructor.
Girl I went to school with was banned from driving her sophomore year when the teacher noticed she was creeping up too fast and instead of hitting the break she hit the gas and drove onto a curb and into a yard and almost hit a house within 6 seconds.
So funny.
They were excellent instructors too. Best testers I think I ever had.
Taught following distance, stopping distance, not to tailgate, and just tons of information that most people I know that took Drivers Ed didn't even know about.
Really cool people.
How she did that was unmistakably not due to the teachers.
Snowed In....
Not a driver's ed instructor but my classmate crashed head on into a huge snowbank during a drive once, I was in the back, instructor in the front. We were in an empty parking lot, I have NO idea how she ended up hitting it but the car was totaled and we had to walk back.
Also the "classroom" was a double wide trailer in another empty parking lot with a 2x4 in the center of the room holding the sagging ceiling up, which my other classmate and friend decided to karate kick out one day.
Edit: Thankfully nothing terrible happened when he kicked the 2x4 out BUT the instructor used to put one of those terrible anti-drunk driving videos on and just go snooze in his office. The video would end and we would wait and wait. Someone would eventually go wake him up. It was kind of a shit show now that I think about it. I'm not a good driver.
Shut Up
Obligatory not an instructor, but my dad once dated a woman who flapped her jaws so much that she couldn't do anything else while talking. She couldn't even eat and talk.
So she gets hired at the local bus company, who would train new hires to get them their CDL if they didn't already have one. My dad also worked there and warned the instructor. "She's going to be too worried about talking to pay attention to what she's doing."
He called it. She talked all the way through training, wouldn't shut up to listen to instruction, would not focus on the training course, and was eventually let go after nearly crashing the training bus into the garage. The instructor told my dad the she was the worst student he'd ever had.
Driver's ED in high school was held in a portable room that was located next to the little test track they made (just a closed off portion of student parking) the first incident was someone who confused gas and break and drove the car into a nearby lake, the second was someone who hit reverse and ended up slamming the car into the classroom.
Men Who've Gotten A Vasectomy Share Their Experiences
Reddit user GaleNotTheWind asked: 'Men of Reddit who have gotten a vasectomy, what was your experience?'
According to the Cleveland Clinic, over 50 million men have had a vasectomy.
Although avoiding sexual intercourse is the only effective way to avoid pregnancy, the male birth control procedure still has a low failure rate.
Those who are apprehensive about having a vasectomy fear the following: pain, impact on sex life, effectiveness, and side effects like cancer. (The National Cancer Institute and the American Urological Association have found that the procedure does not increase the risk of prostate cancer).
To seek some reassurance, Redditor GaleNotTheWind asked:
"Men of Reddit who have gotten a vasectomy, what was your experience?"
Guys discuss what happened after the snipping.
Making Sure
"For the love of God, do the follow-up appointment. The last thing you want is to be accidentally playing with a loaded gun."
– sleepypanda59
Wise To Wait
"The paper work I got for mine which was done less than 2 weeks ago said that you could have sex 2-3 days after but... definitely said to wait another few days."
– SisterPhister666
Follow Post-Surgical Procedures Or Else
"Had it done twice while living in Japan no less. Why twice? The first one failed."
"... apparently, so did the second (says my now 6 year old daughter)."
– shoelessmarcelshell
These men found that the procedure itself wasn't a big deal.
Assurance
"I was super anxious, but I had a great procedure. I was more freaked out about the shot of numbing agent to the balls, but it was legit nothing to worry about."
Normal In No Time
"Little operation, blue balls and no wanking for a week, then back to normal but without getting anyone pregnant."
– Bright_Composer_3901
"Made the mistake of having a pop after a couple of days. Jesus, the regret."
– Alante
Best Money Ever Spent
"When I woke up after the anesthesia - yes I asked to be put under, best $55 (after insurance) I ever spent - the caffeine headache I had upon waking was the most painful part. The preoperative instructions were nothing but water the evening before, no water for 4 hours before going under. The Safeway brand cola that the angel aftercare nurse brought me was pure refreshment."
– HarrumphingDuck
Cherry On Top
"Local anesthesia stings for a second or two then all you can feel is tugging after all is done the pain I would describe is like blue balls for like 2 days tops. I took a week off work recommend by doctor since I’m a construction worker and the heavy lifting but I felt like after day 3 I was good to go. Cons: minor pain discomfort, no hanky panky until last semen sample came out clear. Pros: , no unplanned pregnancies(it’s still possible very rarely)."
– Secure_Requirement84
Some final thoughts.
Only Pros
"To me, the only bad part was the smell of the cauterization of my vas deferens.. the procedure was fine. Local anesthesia before and during just felt slight tugging no pain. Recovery was easy. No pain. No cons. Only pros. And if absolutely need be it’s reversible. Much easier and less invasive than a woman getting her tubes tied and significantly less harmful than birth control. I’m an advocate. Get it done!"
– PunchARacist
One Unsettling Thing
"For me, it wasn’t the smell but watching the little puffs of smoke during the cauterization. That was truly and deeply unsettling."
"Otherwise, yeah, nothing major to report. Stayed in bed for a day watching old horror movies and assembling a Lego plant. Pretty much business as usual after that."
– GuestCartographer
The One Constant
"Got a vasectomy, it worked. Got it reversed, that worked.... twice Got another vasectomy...17 years later, all good. Just go to a legit great Dr. I mean top of the field Dr. For ANY messsin around down there. Vasectomy is WAY easier now than 25-30 years ago. In/out in an hour... The only thing that hasn't changed? ... The bag of frozen peas ..😂"
– richwat00
Vasectomies are performed via two methods, the incision vasectomy or a no-scalpel vasectomy, and both use local anesthesia to numb the scrotum.
Always consult a healthcare provider before undergoing the procedure and–most importantly–make sure you don't want to have children or that you and your spouse don't want to add additional family members.
Based on the anecdotes above, there's nothing to fear, so feel free to man up and get to snipping.
The Scariest Yet Most Realistic Films About The Future Ever Made
I've always enjoyed a good scare on film and my Mother indulged my preferences as she also loved a good horror film.
While we thoroughly enjoyed a good Disney movie together, I was also allowed to watch Jaws, The Exorcist and The Omen before I was 10 years old.
Slashers and sci-fi frights were good, but to me the most effective scares involved nightmarish scenarios that might easily happen in the not so distant future.
For me, growing up Roman Catholic meant demonic possession and the AntiChrist were on the list of plausible fears.
But what films offered possible Hellscapes for others?
Reddit user beefgulash asked:
"What is the scariest—yet most realistic—future film ever made?"
Threads
"I thought that BBC’s nuclear holocaust Threads was much more terrifying and depressing than United States TV movie The Day After."
~No-Distance425
"Threads might genuinely be the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen."
~ ThorCoolguy
Her
"Her. Everyone is so online that they lost the ability to make human connections, to the point where it's a business for the main character to write personal letters on behalf of others."
"So lonely, he easily falls in love with an AI and the only one who still feels real emotions, his ex wife (Rooney Mara), is treated like a crazy person."
"With everyone too online and severely lonely, we are practically living in that emotional dystopia now."
~ grandmofftalkin
Children of Men
"Children of Men. You want to know what makes it so scarily realistic?"
"Alfonso Cuaron deliberately shot scenes in East London and asked the production designers to make it 'more Mexican'—in other words, make it look even more run-down than it already was."
"Cuaron leaned in on his own experiences in growing up in Mexico and seeing everyday poverty to bring that to look and feel to a futuristic London. The future-London isn't a gleaming metropolis—it's a metropolis on the verge of collapse and giving up."
"The battle scenes weren't fantastical as so many sci-fi dystopian films often are: they're based on real, real conflicts. Cuaron was smart to include imagery from the then-current Iraq invasion and the atrocities committed in Abu Ghraib to jar the viewer's thoughts and attentions just long enough to make them feel queasy."
"The shots of illegal immigrants in cages were disturbing then—well, they should be f*cking frightening now. Cuaron and the production designers saturated that film with little visual snippets of then-current events and fictional future atrocities to make it a highly believable—and scary—world."
~ PureDeidBrilliant
Contagion
"Contagion—a movie about a coronavirus outbreak, that pre-dated COVID-19."
~ glrd1
"When I saw that movie in theaters, there was someone coughing a few rows behind. Like, big, wet, juicy coughs..."
"I hated that immersive movie experience."
~ only_bubble_sort
"The fast killing virus that spreads around the world was a bit unrealistic but man was it a trip watching this during lockdowns."
"I'd never heard of 'social distancing' until the pandemic and it and other pandemic facts of life coming out in the movie hit home."
~ Dmzm
A Scanner Darkly
"A Scanner Darkly. A large amount of the population have become drug addicts, the government enacts a total police state, and the addicts slowly descend into insanity, and eventually are put into rehab once their brains are fried.
"Once they are 'rehabed' (they are basically lobotomized, or brainwashed) they are sent to work on large corporate farms."
"The same corporations that own the rehabs, also own the farms, and they are also the ones growing the illicit drugs that cause the whole problem."
~ CmTrumpet
The Road
"The Road. I remember seeing the premiere of it at a film festival and the director and cast were there and all smiles and jokes and so happy to be there…and then the movie plunged all of us into pure despair for 2 hours."
~ Other-Marketing-6167
"I read the book multiple times before the movie came out."
"The movie makes your heart break, but the book destroys your soul and will to live for like a week after reading."
~ Some-Philly-Dude
WALL-E
"WALL-E. The fact that Pixar showed everyone a very real future Earth if we continue down the path we're on and nobody did anything about it speaks volumes. Everyone knows sh*t's f*cked."
"I'm rooting for the roomba with solar panels who gets outside after we've annihilated ourselves, enjoy fulfilling your set purpose lil' dude."
~ Shes_dead_Jim
Gattaca
"Gattaca. If you ever watch it again listen to how they talk about him and his 'condition'."
"It’s all 'could” and 'might' and 'possibly' and similar caveats."
"His only 'condition' was being a natural birth and not a designer baby."
~ pocket-friends
RoboCop
"RoboCop. Dude dies at work. Gets resurrected to continue working."
"Also the whole bit about corporations privatizing public services."
"Feels like we're gonna be there in a few years."
~ Gentleman_Jack90
Elysium
"Elysium strikes me as the most realistic, as far as the social structure."
"You have an ultra rich class, a mercenary type 'middle' class, and everyone else is fighting for the scraps."
~ Maliluma
"Sure seems like the logic extension of the widening global gap between a few ultra-wealthy and the rest of the population."
"The ultra-wealthy already are invested in space travel, colonizing Mars, island compounds and extreme longevity."
~ RichardBonham
Logan's Run
"Logan's Run, it's a bit of a cult classic."
"In the future, there are limited places for humans to live, so everyone has an 'expiration date' regardless of how healthy they are."
"Everyone has to die before a certain age. I won't spoil it in case anyone wants to see it."
"It's an old school sci-fi movie that I have loved since I was a kid."
~ macmac360
12 Monkeys
"No one mentioned 12 Monkeys yet?"
"Found it super realistic and scary."
~ mrs_anouk
Soylent Green
"Soylent Green solves both problems of overpopulation and food scarcity.... so, maybe it will happen."
"I just hope they think of 3rd Degree Burn Scorchin' Habanero Soylent Green when they do it."
~ ketchuptheclown
Metropolis
"Metropolis. Complete masterpiece in my opinion."
~ CaptianOfCows
Idiocracy
"Idiocracy."
~ BrilliantlyClueless
"I like to believe that somewhere in that world a pocket of smart people retreated to someplace isolated like New Zealand and persisted."
~ notapunk
Zombies! 🧟♂️🧟♀️🧟
Personally, I love zombie movies based on the concept from George A. Romero's classic Night Of The Living Dead.
Zombies existed in myths and legends before Romero's film, but not in the way they do now in popular culture.
Romero's movies also always included social commentary on economic inequality, racism and the ills of unbridled capitalism.
To me zombie films show how people would react in a viral health crisis and our recent pandemic made them all the more real.
So what movies do you think are scary because they're too real?
The Worst Reasons Cheaters Have Given To Justify Their Infidelity
Infidelity in marriages isn't as widespread as people think. While some cynics would have us believe faithful partners are scarce, they account for over 4 out of 5 spouses.
Still, 16% of married couples in the United States admitted to being unfaithful at some point in their marriage.
And 57% of divorces were due to cheating.
In marriages where infidelity occurs, but doesn't result in divorce, the loss of trust is still a problem. It can make emotional and physical intimacy challenging.
So why do people cheat instead of ending their relationship before moving on?
Reddit user littlehoneybear2104 asked:
"What is the worst reason you've heard for cheating on someone?"
What's Old Is New Again
"He wanted to try something new."
"He cheated on me with his ex."
~ meeez80
GiphyPreemptive Strike
"Just in case he would ever cheat on me, I cheated first, so it's his fault for possibly cheating on me in the first place."
~ Competitive_Bat4986
Mission Accomplished
"To have a reason to end the relationship."
~ chewie_33
Tough Enough
"He said I'm strong and I can handle it."
"Like WTF? Does that give someone a free pass just to cheat?"
"Like we ain't tolerating that too. Done with that person."
~ drn-07
GiphyDream On
"Ex cheated on me because I cheated on her in a dream shehad and she was sure it was a sign that I was unfaithful in real life."
~ Craigothy-YeOldeLord
Oops!
"It was an accident."
"Yeah, 'I tripped and fell into her vagina' sounds legit."
~ dabbad525
GiphyGrow Up
"You didn’t show me enough attention the past few years! You didn’t take me anywhere! I’m the baby in my family, I need attention!”
"I worked 3 jobs, played with the kids, and finished a degree… during COVID while EVERYWHERE was closed."
~ hephaestus1219
Lockdown
"I was together with her for 14 years, married for 6 and this dipsh*t said we stagnated for a year during COVID because we didn’t go out anywhere...because she was deathly afraid of COVID."
"Some people are so pathetically stupid."
~ Virgin_nerd
GiphyUnsupervised
"My best friend in high school/college claimed it was my fault she cheated on her boyfriend because I left them in the room alone together with the she cheated with."
~ Smart_Form_9569
Too Perfect?
"My ex said it was because I was 'too perfect' and that he couldn't live up to the standard I had set by being who I was."
~ MarvelousShiggyDiggy
Trauma Response
"My cousin’s ex said she felt she had to hook up with the guy working the front register at Walgreens because of the events of 9-11."
"I’m not even kidding. This was on 9-11."
"She apparently was so upset she staggered into Walgreens and fell on the first guy she saw."
~ Big_Psychology_4210
In The Stars
"My ex cheated on me because 'August has new energy'—something to do with astrology. And yes, I mean the month August, not someone named August."
~ Frog-Thing
Giphy*yawn* 🥱
"The relationship just got boring"
"Their marriage seemed perfect inside and out, except she got bored of being a wife and mother."
"She tried fighting for the marriage after her affair partner died of a heart attack and husband called her out on her bullsh*t."
~ DevilinDeTales
Some people aren't meant for commitment, but that should be something they disclose to their partners before they cheat.
It would avoid a lot of wasted time and heartbreak.
When it comes to flirting, everyone has their preferences of how they like to be flirted with. Some people like cleverly crafted pickup lines.
I always thought pickup lines were a cheap way to get someone's attention. That being said, there are some good ones out there. I've been on the receiving end of both. "On a scale from one to America, how free are you tonight?" and, "You must be the square root of two because I feel irrational around you."
Both got me to engage in conversation, and I even dated the guy who used the first one for a while.
I'm not the only one that knows some good pickup lines. Redditors have both heard and used some pickup lines and are eager to share their favorites.
It all started when Redditor Sauce_Dealer420 asked:
"What's the best pickup line of all time?"
Read It And See
"You put the sexy in dyslexic."
– koookyko
"This made me laugh so hard."
"Because I can read properly."
– TappedIn2111
I'm Hooked
"This girl I used to work with and I went to a bar after work and we’re having fun, and she leans over to tell me a joke. And she says:"
"Three boy mice and a girl mouse were all stuck in a room with no doors and no windows. One of the boy mice asked the girl mouse how to get out and she said, “Sleep with me tonight, and I’ll tell you in the morning.""
"The next day, he is gone. The second boy mouse asks the girl mouse how he got out and she says, “Sleep with me tonight, and I’ll tell you in the morning.""
"Next day, he’s gone too."
"So now the girl telling me this joke says to me, “Do you want to know how the last mouse gets out of the box?”
"And I say “yes.""
"And she says, “Sleep with ME tonight, and I’ll tell you in the morning”. All this while staring me in the eyes and smiling."
"I said, “Check please bartender!!""
"I forgot to ask her in the morning, but that was the best pickup line I’ve ever heard."
– reb678
Statistics
"The odds we sleep together are 50% because half of us agree so far."
– AlfheimKitteh
"Math is always super sexy."
– Acceptable-News-6811
Money, Money, Money
"Hey girl, are you the English financial system? Because I'm about to give you a weak pound."
– onemanwolfpack21
"Yo girl, do you know exchange rates? Because Euro 10."
– kkirchhoff
Winner, Winner
""Are you a magician? Cuz every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.""
"This line got me a wife and three kids. 😊"
– PRSHZ
One Liners
"Are you a beaver? Cuz damn."
– Starry_Night-
"If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple."
– Slainna
"Hi, do you want to go for a ride on a Harley?"
"(My name is Harley) 😁"
– OMNIxvTRIX
No Losers
"If I asked you for a date would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this question?"
– SchemePale6222
"I got blue screen in my head."
"Explain please."
– TastyToothpasta
"You can't lose. Say no, the answer is yes. Say yes, the answer is also yes."
"Dang sounds kinda creepy writing it out like that. Still clever wordplay though."
– Steeze_Schralper6968
Clever
"My go-to was always:"
"I used to be a history teacher, so I know lots of important dates. Want to help me make another one?"
"A little corny, but it usually worked."
– StuffToday
Refreshing
"That one actually worked with my ex on the first try."
"-Hey, do you like water?"
"-Yes."
"-Then you like me in 70% already."
– azurskyy
Sneaky
"Would you date a complete stranger?"
"If she says “yes” you’re in."
If she says “no.”
“Then allow me to introduce myself.”"
– Blastspark01
Playing Coy
"Once a girl came to me and told there was somebody who thought I was cute."
"I asked her who and she said “Me.""
– evil_boy4life
Prop Lines
"You have to have a handful of limes available to do this:"
"Hold the limes, drop the limes in front of the lucky person. Then say 'Sorry, I'm not very good at pick up limes.'"
– cannibalcats
Egg-cellent
"Best one that worked for me was:"
"Me: How do you like your eggs?"
"Her: Over easy, why?"
"Me: Just making sure I have things right for when I make you breakfast in the morning."
– Radiant_Boss4342
The Best Line
"How you doin?"
– 2x4x93
"There was a time when this was the ONLY line you could use!"
– JohnsLong_Silver
That line would definitely work on me!