Restaurant Patrons Demand "Sit Me With Your Hottest White Server"—And The Bar Drags Them
Reddit user mattdacoolcat shared an unfortunately all too familiar story of discrimination from their days as a restaurant host:
It was a group of middle aged guys. They're regulars, but they're annoying as hell, and they always ask for the hottest server. As a host, I usually just sit them with whoever. The last time they came in, I sat them with D, a really sweet black girl who's one of our best servers. They were FURIOUS. They never said anything to me or a manager, but they claimed everything was wrong. The food was too cold. The drinks were flat. She was way too slow. She was rude. They left a 25¢ tip and left not long after.
This time, they specified they wanted a hot WHITE server. I said "okay!" and with a smile, I walked them over to their table. I specifically sat them with the only male server, a tall, black, bodybuilder who towered over all of them. He's a really cool guy, but he can be slightly intimidating to people that don't know him just due to his stature.
They never said a word.
Tl;dr: Buncha pervs asked for a hot white girl, got a big black guy.
Users were understandably upset by the actions of these men, and shared their ire in the comments.
Some responses have been edited for content/clarity.
Forced interaction
Imagine being so inept at talking to women that hitting on your waitress, someone who is forced to interact with/be nice to you, is the best shot you have at meeting someone.
-Xsy
Right of Refusal
You’ve got the right to kick people out for announcing their intention to sexually harass your coworkers btw. I’d suggest using that power.
Sex Appeal
Why do so many guys just feel entitled to have sex appeal added to their every experience? Next time I go to church I’m requesting only the hot preacher in the slutty priest outfit so I can really enjoy my religious experience. And I’ll slap every male butt I see on the way out. (Side note...why are slutty nun outfits a thing??)
GiphyOthers disagreed with their methods.
100% would kick people out for this. These people are here to harass someone who is trying to do their job. They should be there to get food, not flirt with people who are being paid to get you food or drinks.
I would've asked “Why does she have to be white?" and watch them lose their tounge.
When they finally come up with a diet racist response I would've told them to accept whatever seating I provide or kindly leave.
I know you said it ended up making them silent but I think this is kind of a f**ked up thing to do to your black co worker.
Lol making him serve a group of potential racist dudes. Real nice man.
Yeah, I wouldn't subject a POC to them. This might be funny to you, but they will treat the server badly and not tip.
And still others shared similar experiences, and how they handled them.
Am a nurse. In school rotations this guy demanded my peer to only let the cutest nurse do his Foley cath. She tells me, a fat 32 year old hairy guy, and I walked in.
"who the hell are you?"
"I'm the cute one."
I work the bar in a family restaurant. Had a couple guys sit at a table in the bar section while I was bartending. I let them know I’d go grab them a server, like I do to every table.
“Get us the one with the biggest tits hahaha”
I gave them the ‘disappointed parent’ look and told them “I’ll see what I can do” and went and found the only male server, who unfortunately was working on the opposite end of the restaurant. I told him he had a request in the bar, a couple guys looking for a waitress with big boobs if he wanted it. The two guys gave me the meanest look when he came out.
Apparently they just walked out when I was in BoH and the waiter was getting their drink order. Good riddance.
One time at my restaurant we had three guys come in and sit outside in our smoking patio. The only server outside was a dude who was cool as hell. After he took their order for me they went back to the host stand and asked for a female server. The host told the manager and he told them if they were going to behave like that then he didn't feel comfortable assigning them a female server, and said if it mattered that much they could go to Twin Peaks or Hooters. And they did. Loved that KM. He gave no f**ks and always stuck by us. His philosophy was that if we were sweating, then he was. He would back us no questions asked in front of customers. Great dude. Got screwed by the company but is happily with someone else now.
Alternative Solutions
I'm surprised that no one has mentioned this yet. Why not give patrons like this one of those silly queue pucks and just have them wait without actually assigning the puck to the queue? Or, if you have to assign them to the queue make sure you note that they are looking for a server that can tolerate racist, sexist pigs.
Pigs
Was a seating hostess. Once I got this elderly couple who came in, and the man commented that he wanted a "pretty, young female" server. He had been joking with me earlier, so I thought he was just joking about that as well. We were on a 30-minute waiting list, so customers generally were sat at whatever table was open next. Just so happened that "Alan's" section was open next. I sat them, let them know Alan would be over shortly, and the guy BLEW UP. I found them a new seat as soon as one became available, but the f**king chauvinistic pig kept threatening to report me to corporate for, ya know, not having a pretty woman available to serve him and his WIFE. F**k that guy. And f**k my manager for telling me that *I* was in the wrong.
Black People Can Make Tacos Too
So I work at a Tex-Mex (Americanized Mexican) restaurant, and was the first person on the row of people to put food together for customers. We weren't that busy, so me and the other workers were in the back chatting. As customers came in, I went to put on my gloves so I could make food without germs on everything. While I was doing that, I asked my coworker, who happened to be black, to go ahead and get the customers started, as he had his gloves on already. He got into position, and said as politely as possible, "Hi, what can I get for you today?" To which she responded "I want him to make it" and pointed at me. Now, at this point I had my gloves on, so I stepped up and started getting her food, but me and my coworker shared a glance like "is this b*tch for real?" As she got to the next section, where the same black coworker was, she told him "I told you already I want him to make it." When I told her that that wasn't how the ordering process worked, she demanded to speak to a manager. I went back to the next customers while my coworker got my manager. This woman started YELLING at my manager about how "black people don't understand Mexican food" and how "it's a disgrace to let them work here" and all that fun stuff. When my manager asked her what my coworker had done, she told him, and I quote "n*****s can't make a proper taco". When my manager asked her to leave, she screamed and raised a middle finger to us and stormed out. Sometimes I just don't know why people think they get to just sh*t on people.
Why Serve Them?
Serious question, why aren't you guys refusing service to people like this?
They probably aren't allowed to. Like only the manager/area manager/head office is allowed to ban people, maybe. Happens with some companies.
Seriously. As a manager, if I was told that this was going on, especially from repeat offenders, I would tell them we aren't serving them. Objectifying my staff and being blatantly racist has no place in a business I work at.
Don't Be This Guy
I work as a server and host at chain family restaurant.
So, last night, I'm hosting. It's slow so I'm hanging out in the back. I'm standing in front of the window traying up some food. A new server (She used to be a cook for us) comes up to me.
"Hey, I got this guy at 41... I gave him one shot and he's acting super drunk already. I think he was drinking before I got here. I think I need to cut him off, what do I say?"
I give her the run down, I tell her to be firm but polite. Server says she's scared, that he's been aggressive anyways. I grab our manager and we explain the situation, says she'll handle it.
Well. Not two seconds after my first manger cuts him off, he flags down ANOTHER manager. Just asks for another shot. This manager, not knowing what was happening, gladly says he'll get it going for them. Luckily, we were able to stop him before he brought another drink.
10 minutes go by, and the drunk guy stops one of the hosts, and talks to her for a long time. I'm watching from the kitchen. After she walks away she comes over the headset.
"Hey, elea_no, they guy at 41 is asking for you. He says he ordered a drink and hasn't gotten it. He just keeps asking for you."
So I am confused as hell and I tell the host that I'm not going over there. And that she and nobody else is to serve him. It's not my job to serve him and I have no idea why he's asking for me. At this point I haven't even stopped by the table.
My manager goes by the table again to tell him to quit harassing the staff, we're not going to serve him anymore. He begins yelling "I want elea_no! I want elea_no!" And my manager is telling him no, she's not going to get me. So at this point they ask for the check and get ready to leave.
As he's leaving out the door, he calls my name. I look up, and recognize this kid as someone i went to high school with. We always had classes together. He had always had a huge crush on me. I served him the last time he came in.
"Hey, elea_no, 'mere" we talk in the foyer between the two sets of doors. He says to me "The service f**king sucks here. That dumb blonde manager was a c*nt"
I am so taken aback I literally don't know what to say, so I unfortunately just let him continue. "and, I'm sorry, there's not better way to say this, but that other dumb n****r manager of yours unbelievable. And that Sp*c server is the worst of all, f**king cut me off like that. I only had one shot. F**king bullsh*t."
I'm standing there mouth open. I'm trying to find the right words. He ends his rant with, "But it's not a race thing, it's not. I know I'm wearing a confederate flag hat and sh*t, but it's not a race thing, it's just what they are."
I reply "Well, it's at the servers discretion, if she doesn't feel comfortable, then she has every right to refuse service. She's new and just being careful."
To wrap the mess in a little bow, his departing line is: "Alright whatever it's still bullsh*t, I'm never coming back unless you serve me. I'll see you later. Hit me up on Facebook when you turn 21! We could meet up for drinks!"
Yup. I'd love to meet up with a sh*tty, racist ass for some drinks. Thanks!
He walked out on his check.
I had a table who made some insanely rude remarks. 1. That they were glad they got a female server this time women should be serving and men should be cooking or managing. 2. Asks how many mexicans work in the kitchen. Answer 0. 3. Makes remark that the dishwasher must be mexican or native american. Answer nope college age white girl trying to pay her bills. They got the same no smile response for everyone of these remarks. First of all, cooking, dishwashing, and serving are not degrading jobs. Next assuming that all of these must be held by minorities is just straight up racist.
Ugh
I was standing up at the Host Stand watching the door while the host was in the bathroom when I was approached by a 70 something older white Man with a bag stacked with to go boxes.
Me= M OWM= Old White Man
OWM: I need to speak with your manager.
M: Is there something I can help you with?
OWM: I just wanted to let you know that the food tonight was absolutely the worst meal I have ever had in my life.
Looks at to go bag filled with 3 large boxes of food, confusion washes over my face. M: I'm so sorry sir what seemed to be the problem with your meal?
OWM: Everything. I ordered the ribs and they were absolutely disgusting. I come here all the time and the food has always been mediocre but this time it was inedible.
M: Did you tell your server about the food quality? She would have replaced the slab for you. It only takes a few minutes to put the sauce on but the meat is already cooked.
OWM: I couldn't tell her.
M: You couldn't tell her? Like, she never checked on you?
OWM: No. I couldn't tell her because she isn't American. She wouldn't understand.
It clicked to me. He was seated in one of the other server's section who is Asian American. Her parents are Vietnamese, but she was born here, has always lived in the US and has never been to Vietnam. Doesn't have an accent, speaks perfect English. Because she's AMERICAN.
OWM: You know my Aunt owned a restaurant, and once she started hiring international people the place just went to shit and it closed within 6 months. You should really think about who you're hiring.
At this point, this dude has just seriously crossed the line. My adrenaline is pumping, and the dude is looking at me like he's waiting for me to agree with him and somehow validate this statement.
M: Sir, are you implying that your server's nationality had something to do with the quality of the food you received tonight?
OWM: Well you cant trust these international people to do the job like real Americans they don't care about good service.
At this point I'm losing my cool.
M: Sir, your server is American. She was born in America, has lived her ENTIRE life in America, and speaks perfect English. I was going to hear your concerns about the food quality, but now you've insulted me and my staff and I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
OWM with astonished look on his face, started yelling: Are you serious? You can't treat me like this! I didn't even do anything!
M: I'm absolutely serious you need to go.
OWM proceeds to walk out of the door yelling to anyone in earshot about how much of a trash dump my restaurant is and how he'll never come back.
That was the first day I ever cried at work in my whole 9 years in the industry. F that dude.
I work at a higher end restaurant/bar (new American fare, expensive whiskey) in a more upper class but super trashy still, neighborhood of my city.
Two men come to the bar and have a seat. They're a tad drunk I'm assuming, and whispering amongst each other and giggling.
I hand them their menus and as I fill their water glasses, they don't even look at the menu and one of them just says "I guess we're having sushi tonight." And the other burst out laughing and then they get up and leave. Laughing the whole way out.
The server at the pass was just standing there slack jawed as she hears it too. My face felt hot and I wanted to cry.
Sometimes people like that actually make me want to leave the service industry forever.
I'm Asian, btw. Hence the sushi joke. Filipino, not Japanese. But I digress.
I work in a Japanese steakhouse as a server and we had a table come in tonight (was ~4 adults and 3 kids) that my coworker ended up taking (she's Vietnamese this matters later). Later on when my coworker asked if they needed anything one of the kids who had to have been around 12 went, "Yeah Ling Ling I need a refill" I heard her say it and didn't even know how to react neither did my coworker, then the adults realized what she said and were laughing after my coworker walked away. Didn't end up saying anything about it but felt it was shitty and I wanted to say something but my coworker told me not to. But just your daily reminder some people just suck.
This took place in a very rich very white small Canadian town. I was working in the dining room of the local casino when an older lady and an older gentleman are sat in my coworker's section. My coworker is named "Michelle" and we'll call the lovely customer "RL".
Michelle is black, originally from the Caribbean, but has lived in Canada since early childhood.
Our kitchen staff is probably about 80% Filippino and Indian people.
Michelle: "Hi, good evening, how are the two of you doing today?"
RL: Long pause in which she stares at Michelle "Fine." The gentleman is silent.
Michelle: "I'm glad to hear it. Can I get the two of you anything to drink to start you off?"
RL: "...No."
Michelle tells me she didn't know how to react to that, so she asked if there was anything else she could get them at the moment, to which RL snarled: "Do you think we're ready to order?? Stupid girl send someone competant over here!"
Michelle, not visibly upset, asked me to take them. This seemed normal to me because she was about to be cut anyway and we frequently did little favours for eachother. She didn't tell me about the earlier interaction until later. I'm white.
I went over and greeted them and they seemed pleasent enough. I got them started with drinks, which they ordered without issue. After giving them some time with the menus I went over to take their orders.
Me: "All ready to order? What can I get for you this evening?"
RL: "Who's in the kitchen?"
Me: thinking she might know someone in BOH because why else would you ask that question? "Oh quite a few people are working tonight, are you thinking of someone in particular? "
RL: "No I mean" she gives me a significant look "who is in the kitchen?"
Me: confused "um... ??? ..." trying to figure out what to say, besides listing off 9 or 10 first names of the BOH staff
RL: "I want to know if there's any" her voice dips low like she's saying a really nasty word "Filippinos in your kitchen."
Me: every alarm going off in my head. Wtf is this I must be misinterpreting her, there's no way she's this blatantly racist
Me: "Well we have a very diverse staff here at (casino), which is something I really love about working here. There are quite a few Filippino people who work in the kitchen."
RL: "That's disgusting!! Touching the food??? I want to see a manager"
At this point I would have kicked her out if I had any kind of agency, but it wasn't that kind of job. I went and got Ravi, my manager. An Indian man with a fairly strong accent.
He approaches the table and asks what's going on.
RL: "You're the manager????"
Ravi: "Yes that's me."
RL threw her hands up in disgust and strode over to the blonde, blue-eyed, 18 year old bartender. By this time most people in the dining room were watching the shit-fit. She demanded that the bartender give her a corporate number. He told her she would need to ask a manager for that. Or she could try the lobby desk. He openly laughed in her face when her eyes bulged with fury. He pointed her towards the lobby desk where three east-asian women were helping customers. RL was literally shaking with rage when she collected her husband and stormed out.
She was a legend at that job, a story we told to newbies. I still can hardly believe anyone is that open about their racism in this day and age.
Sometimes, the not-so-subtle racism is coming from the other side of the table.
That's amazing. Good on you.
We had this really rude, racist server at our restaurant that would always tell the hosts not to seat her with anyone that wasn't white or anyone with kids. One time a host was sick so I picked up for her. I'm usually a server, so I didn't know that the other server expected this kind of filtering from me and sat her with a 4 top with two parents and two toddlers.
She tried to tell me not to seat her with any families or "anyone that speaks Spanish". The family had spoken English to me, but I could see she was just being racist.
I would never want to make anyone uncomfortable by seating them with a racist person, but I also wanted to teach this server a lesson. So I sat her with only people of color and people with children all night. I checked up on all of her tables to make sure they were still getting good service.
She was fuming, but what was she going to say to the manager? That I was following rotation? That she wanted to turn down 75% of our clientele and good money and I wasn't letting her? She quit a few months later and now somehow works for corporate at that restaurant. I have no idea how.
Thankfully, People's Reasons Aren't Always Sinister
Family is in pizza delivery, we had a customer that would always ask for female delivery people. It actually turned out to be completely innocent.
When he asked for a female delivery driver of course we sent out our biggest burliest guy for the first few deliveries because we assumed he was a pervert/creep. Never got to meet the guy. He'd leave a check in an envelope with a decent tip taped on the door and the driver would leave the pizza on a chair on his porch. Still assumed he was a pervert that was gonna snatch the pretty girl we sent out.
One day we showed up when there was a caretaker or family member there. She was a petite woman. She let us know he has MASSIVE agoraphobia and PTSD, and the reason he asks for a female driver is because a big guy coming down his driveway freaks him out way more than a small person (male or female), and women just tend to be smaller (we felt a bit bad about sending our biggest guy each time, but our safety has to be first). Now anyone is allowed to go to his house and people will try to snipe his order because he tips well.
It's a teacher's job to leave a lasting impression and set a good example for their students.
With this in mind, particularly in this age of viral videos and social media, teachers have to be very careful of what they say during class hours.
Even so, there are very few teachers who haven't said something they've regretted when teaching a class.
Sometimes to control unruly students, other times when they've simply had enough.
Then too, sometimes teachers leave their students baffled and perplexed by what they say in their classroom, well aware of what they were saying.
Always making for a memorable story.
"What’s the wildest thing you’ve ever heard teacher say in class?"
And Anyone With Such Closed Minded Views Shouldn't Be Teaching...
"Had the Head of the Department in college claim in class that anyone who actually needs accommodations for mental health issues should not be in college to begin with."
"This was while we were discussing 'Death of a Salesman' and the discussion had veered over to unhealthy pressure and social standards for success."- RavensQueen502
Wait what?!
"My very well-respected Biology teacher in college spent almost an entire lecture telling us that Jamie Lee Curtis was a hermaphrodite."
"It seemed oddly personal to him."- Urbane_Cowboy
Sad On So Many Levels
"Not heard but my freshmen year high school teacher once pulled a bottle of Jack out of his desk and took a shot during class."
"He was dying so towards the end I think he just stopped caring."- Mangothefello
Can't Take The Heat, Then Stay Out Of The Classroom...
"High school science teacher told my class that a kilometre was longer than a mile."
"Refused to budge when refuted and kicked out several students for doing so."- SupersonicDebris13
"5th grade teacher: 'Mount Whitney in California is the tallest mountain in the world'."
"5th grade me blurts out: 'No it isn't, Mount Everest is."
"Whitney is not even the tallest mountain in the USA, which is Mount McKinley in Alaska'."
"I got in trouble for 'contradicting the teacher'."- gtmattz
get out GIFGiphyIt's Not Just Students Who Are Bullies...
"I had a teacher ridicule a fat kid about his lunch choices in front of the whole class."
"He ran out crying as she was making fat guy blimp gestures and telling him he was going to be huge as an adult."- SnooOwls5859
Some Dramatic License It Seems...
"I had a literature teacher who told the class that he didn't believe in dinosaurs, because the universe is only a couple thousand years old."
"The bones were put there by Satan."
"Thank f*ck he wasn't a science or history teacher."- AllBadAnswers
of montreal dancing GIF by Polyvinyl RecordsGiphyEveryone Deserves Nice Acomodations...
"My English teacher told us that he genuinely believes that the Rothchilds own a hotel for aliens in the Bermuda triangle."- TroyLear77
Well, Then...
"We had this kid in our 6th-grade class."
"Very dark skinned kid from Africa."
"His name was Tajak."
"Every now and then when we'd line up to go to another class or lunch and the lights would go out some of his friends would go 'where Tajak at?'"
"Anyway one day we had a sub and we we're lining up for lunch, the lights went out and there went the 'where Tajak at?' and the SUBSTITUTE TEACHER who was also black went 'Boy you darker than night'."
"6th grade was f*cking wild."- 11221mikew
Sad Premonitions
"Psych teacher in high school told us that 1 in 10 of the people were friends with in high school would be dead within 5 years of graduating."
"At the time I thought it was hyperbole, but it turns out he was being conservative."
"3 of the people in my high school friend group were dead by the time I was 22."- Reddit
Do They Really Need A Reason?
"'Now girls, don't you let them boys touch your breasts'."
"'It'll give you cancer'."- jondru
Maybe Should Have Checked With The Geography Teacher?
"A teacher in Elementary school claimed during history class that the Colosseum was in Greece, as an Italian kid I was very confused, this was in Mexico."- Spascucci
So Much For Instilling Hope...
"Didn't hear this personally, but read in a book about a guy who recalled his teacher skipping chapters in a textbook and saying 'You will not need to know this when you are down in the mines'."- futanari_kaisa
The mark of a good teacher is that students will take everything they hear from them with them for the rest of their lives.
Though, the less-than-wonderful teachers may also say things their students will never forget.
People Who've Had A Serious Illness Describe The Exact Moment They Knew Something Was Really Wrong
As a kid, I never raised alarm bells even when I started to feel sick. My mom got stressed easily and was busy taking care of my younger brother, so I never wanted to be a burden by making her take me to the doctor only to find out nothing was wrong.
However, in fifth grade, my ears started to hurt and I knew something was wrong. I told my mom, she took me to the doctor, and I found out I had an ear infection.
Now, an ear infection isn't serious at all, and it was easily treatable. Still, I learned something from that experience: no one knows your body better than you. You know if and when you're sick and how serious it is, even if you don't now exactly what is wrong.
Redditors can corroborate this. Many of them have experienced symptoms that told them they were sick in some way -- usually with a very serious illness -- and are ready to share those experiences.
It all started when Redditor thelearner18 asked:
"People who have had a serious disease (cancer, MS, organ failure, etc) when did you realize something was really wrong?"
A Lesson Learned
"Hust found out i have rectal cancer. 42 yrs old. multiple stools per day, not fully emptying, thin poop. so got a colonoscopy. bam! cancer. starting chemo next week. lesson learned for everyone....if your stools or stool schedule changes, go see a doctor"
– shawngee03
A Lucky Break
"I had been having a lot of pain in my midsection, and all around my torso for several weeks. I went to the doctor and it was dismissed as gynecological cramping (menopausal?). It remained. After several weeks (6-8) I couldn’t take it anymore. I went to emergency in the middle of the night. I got a CT scan that showed a large kidney stone. They also found a mass on my ovary. The kidney stone lead them to finding a rare ovarian cancer. If not for that stone, I wouldn’t have known about the cancer and might not have caught it in time. I have been in remission since September 2021."
– peachsqueeze66
Cause For Concern
"My kid, who was 14 at the time, kept throwing up in the morning and having weird headaches. Her doctor thought it was migraines. She went back a couple of times, but the doctor was not concerned. Then one day she complained of a whooshing noise in her ear. Went to the children’s hospital and found out it was a brain tumor near her cerabellum. She was in ICU for a month, but turned out it was non cancerous and it never grew back. She is doing great now."
– Evilelfqueen
"I heard a whooshing noise in my ear a few years ago I only really heard it at night when it was quiet it would sometimes switch ears now I basically never hear it. I'm pretty sure it was just pulsatile tinnitus but still scary."
– fallen-summer
It Was The Salt
"I have Cystic Fibrosis (terminal lung disease) and it was found out when I didn't sh*t for 3 days after I was born and then my mother gave me a kiss and said I tasted REALLY salty."
"Now I'm on a gene modification drug called Trikafta and this is some serious witch craft a** sh*t because I no longer feel sick to death and I basically feel like a normal person. It's f*cking wild!
"Went from 19% lung function to 87% in 3 months. I no longer cough my a** off or feel like I'm suffocating from mucus. Go science!"
– Sudden_Blueberry_477
A Funky Optic Nerve
"I was diagnosed with MS when I was 22 after having blurred vision in one eye after a ski trip. I went to the optometrist and they said I had a dry eye probably from not wearing goggles while snow boarding. So they gave me steroid drops. After a week it kept getting worse, so I went back and they told me my eye looked much better so they did a field of view test, which showed I couldn’t see anything out of the lower half of one eye. They sent me straight to the emergency room since nothing was wrong physically wrong with my eye. They did some tests and I was diagnosed with MS and ended up going completely blind in one eye. My vision eventually came back and I got on medication within a month so haven’t really had any symptoms or issues since thankfully. I’m only 29 now though."
– johnjohn9312
Caught It In Time
"This isn't me, but this happened to my best friend VERY recently. Like in the last couple of months."
"Was perfectly fine and healthy one day. Then the next he started feeling a little bit of pain in his kidney. He'd had kidney stones before, so he figured it was that again. Then he started peeing blood. He thought it was still part of the kidney stone thing so let it go for a couple days, but he was still peeing blood and the pain was getting worse."
"That's when he decided to go to the doctor. They did an X-ray and found a mass in his kidney and told him that based on where it was located they can't remove the mass, and they can't do a partial kidney removal, and it's about a 90% chance it's cancerous, but they wouldn't be able to do a biopsy without removing the kidney first. They did the whole insurance dance, but it went fast and within two weeks he was in surgery having his kidney removed."
"He's still recovering at home right now, but they got the biopsy results last week. It was indeed cancerous, but they caught it before it spread."
– SweetCosmicPope
Happily Ever After
"I couldn’t walk anymore with my crutch I had been using to get by. Had Been on Percocet for 8 months because of the extreme pain. Nobody was finding answers to my pain but I knew something was wrong, badly. After finally having an ultra sound on my hips at the age of 26 I found out I had to undergo a double hip replacement to walk again due to a serious rare disease. I was stage 4 Avascular Nercrosis. Took a year to recover from both. But Happier ending, I’m doing good now. However it was very very upsetting news to get over a phone call at 26."
– heartpathetic
It Really Sneaks Around
"My wife started getting numbness in her right arm. The breast cancer had spread to her right shoulder and the tumor was crushing the nerves. She has stage four breast cancer in her bones."
– zenos_dog
A Turn For The Worse
"For me, it started May 14, 2014. I went to work and was having a good morning. Then, at about 9:00 in the morning or so, I started to feel some lower abdominal pain. Not to be crude, but it felt like that cramp you get when you really need to go to the bathroom. I did so, but the pain didn't go away. It got worse. I started to feel chills, was sweating, and felt nauseated. My employer has a clinic on site, so I went there. After some poking and prodding, the nurse asked me if I wanted to go home or if I wanted to go to the emergency room. I decided to go home, and if the pain didn't subside, then I'd go to the emergency room. As I was saying that, though, I noticed that my pain had gotten a LOT worse. They always make you rate your pain on a scale of 0 to 10, with 0 being no pain at all and 10 being the worst pain you've ever felt. When I went into the clinic, I was mostly uncomfortable, maybe a high 2 going into a 3. On that very subjective scale, I was now a 6 or a 7."
"I changed my mind and decided to go straight to the nearest emergency room. My boss drove me, and by the time we got there about 15 minutes later, I was now a 10. This was the worst pain I'd ever felt. My previous definition of the worst pain I'd ever felt was when I broke 7 bones in my wrist, it was misdiagnosed as a sprain, and I had to have them rebroken 2 weeks later. The pain in my abdomen was now worse than that. The emergency room admitted me and put me in a wheelchair. They wheeled me to a room, I curled up on the bed they put me in, and passed out."
"At some point, a nurse came in and gave me some morphine. Great stuff. No pain at all anymore. A doctor came in and told me they suspected a kidney stone. He wanted me to get a CT scan to confirm it, and I agreed. An orderly wheeled me off to imaging. I got scanned without contrast and was wheeled back to the room. My wife had arrived while I was getting scanned. Shortly later, the doctor who told me he thought it was a kidney stone came into the room. With another doctor. And two nurses. They all crowd around me with solemn looks on their faces."
"The first doctor told me it was a kidney stone. A 2 to 3 mm kidney stone had been lodged in the ureter of my left kidney. That's the tube that goes from the kidney to the bladder. It passed into my bladder when they gave me the morphine, but they could see evidence of it on the CT scan. Then the other doctor said they were more concerned about the 6 cm mass they found on my right kidney. They had my attention."
"They did another CT scan, with contrast this time, and it was impossible to see anything but a tumor in the pictures they showed me. They made an appointment for me with a urologist for the next day, as well as an appointment in a few days time to get it biopsied. It was an after-hours appointment for the urologist, but he was nice enough to stay late to see me. He looked at the CT Scans and cancelled my appointment to get it biopsied. He said there was nothing else it could be but cancer, and the kidney would have to go."
"Two months later, I had the kidney and the tumor removed laparoscopically. I was incredibly lucky. They caught it in stage 1. The doctor said there were signs it was going to start moving soon. I have no idea how doctors can look at a softball sized lump of cancer and tell anything other than 'gross', but that's why they're the doctors and I'm not."
"My recovery was smooth, and I've been cancer-free for 9 years. I was incredibly blessed. I didn't have to deal with chemo, or radiation. While those can save your life, they are also horrible experiences with nasty side effects. I didn't have to deal with any of them. I was bracing myself to have to. They said it was a possibility. But I didn't. I have every respect for those not as fortunate as me, and wish them all the best in recovery."
– mnementh9999
Reason #5,622 To Start Exercising
"I started jogging again to try and get back into running shape. I kept noticing that just after a mile or so, I'd stop and get REALLY lightheaded. Kept thinking, "oh, I'm really out of shape" and kept going. Went in a few weeks later for my annual physical and doctor said "you ever been told you have a heart murmur?", no. Two months later I spent Christmas of 2017 in the ICU after having a section of my aorta cut out and a new valve put in. Surgeon said it was bad. Said it wouldn't have made it too much longer."
"Edit: for clarification, it was an aortic dissection."
– Itsawlinthereflexes
Slow And Steady
"My dad's friend went on a hike with a doctor who knew him and he was winded not far from the car. The doctor clocked it right away and told him to get his heart checked. He had 98% blockage in his heart arteries."
"He tells my dad so my dad gets the test to see how his arteries are doing and they found a massive aneurism on his aorta. He is getting it removed tomorrow. He had no symptoms but the doctors said if he had overdone it he would be dead before anyone would even know what was going on. Crazy how a random friend's hike may have saved his life."
– Pencilowner
It Takes A Village
"I never did, my teacher and parents did."
"I was seven, usually an active kid and my first grade teacher noticed that rather than running around at recess I sat down and took a nap. It happened a couple more times and after I fell asleep in class (totally out of character), she gave my parents a call, we had been visiting the doc fairly regularly cause I was also complaining of joint pain and frequent ear infections combined with the new symptoms and a new doc at the practice I was finally diagnosed with leukemia."
– greenmachine11235
Thank goodness for that teacher (and of course, the parents)!
When in the beginning stages of dating, it's important to know as much as humanly possible.
The element of surprise is no longer a fun aspect of romance.
Ask the small questions. Ask the hard questions.
Interrogate. Grill. Investigate.
Of course, you should do it with a subtle hand instead of an interrogation lamp.
The truth is all we have.
Ask everything.
Redditor RedditPenguin02 wanted to make a list of the best inquiries to make when starting a relationship, so they asked:
"What is a good question to ask before you start dating someone?"
From what I've learned in my past, always ask... "Are you into Buffy the Vampire Slayer? The TV show."
If it's a no, then it's a dealbreaker.
I Do
Shocked Schitts Creek GIF by CBCGiphy"Are you married?"
wrenchmonkey135
"I would ask that. If they said no, the next question was 'Would your wife agree?'"
"If they laughed, they were telling the truth. If they got indignant and pissed off that I thought they were lying…they were married."
"Worked every time."
Squibit314
We Lived!
"Do you clap when the plane lands?"
dont_u_know
"I swear people used to do this all the time when I was a kid (early 2000’s), and I don’t think I’ve heard anyone do it in 5+ years. I guess 9/11 really made people afraid of flying for about 10 years and then most folks decided they didn’t need to applaud when the plane landed safely?"
jmims98
Family Planning
"Do you want kids in the future? If one person wants kids and the other wants to stay child-free, then they are not compatible. And it is better to try dating someone else."
GoodAlicia
"It confuses me whenever some couples who disagree on this end up in a conundrum because one expected the other to change their mind. This is something I bring up early cause I see no future with someone who wants kids when I do not."
GoodAlicia
"You should always put childfree on your dating profile. It's not a small thing. Either you agree on it or not. If I had to date, I would put childfree on my profile too."
GoodAlicia
Carb it on...
"Do you like bread? That is the extent of my flirting skills."
HumpieDouglas
"Being German, bread is like a frickin' cultural phenomenon here, we have around 300 kinds of bread, there's a bread museum, every time I go on vacation I'm like yeah it's nice here but the bread ain't it yall, never as good as home lol. So yeah, valid question and the only answer to this is an enthusiastic yes."
Nayeliq1
Room Temperature
Frosty The Snowman Winter GIF by filmeditorGiphy"What temperature do you set the thermostat to throughout the year?"
OneFingerIn
"Haha this one always gets me as someone who needs low temps - you can always put on more clothes, I can't peel my skin off to get cooler."
djdante
The thermostat is a dealbreaker for me.
It's gonna be 60. Love it or move on.
Discovery
Blown Away Wow GIF by AminéGiphy"When was the last time you changed your mind about something?
"Opens a window to how they think."
youcantkillanidea
"If that was really early on in the dating I’d think it was a bit of a head-f**k question. I’d probably find that question a red flag, tone dependent, although I agree with the sentiment."
LivestockMarc
Personal Time
"Aside from major differences about finances, kids, politics, or religion, a big one is; What are your hobbies? If they don’t really have any, you may be the next hobby, which isn’t going to work unless you’ve got that kind of time. If the hobbies are time-consuming ones generally done with a SO."
"But you have no interest in them, that could be an issue as well. If only one of you likes camping, wanted to spend vacation lounging instead of exploring, didn’t like sports, etc either that partner is annoyed or the other feels like they don’t get to enjoy what they love."
Githard
Past Issues
"Ask them about their exes. If they think every single one of them is an a**hole... they are likely the real a**hole."
CantTakeMeSeriously
"I have mixed feelings about that - I've been in three previous relationships and all three were emotionally abusive towards me (one wasn't nearly as bad as the other two, though) in various ways. I know this is a common sentiment and it always makes me afraid that people won't believe me or something.
"I mean, I realize in your comment you said 'likely' and not '100% sure' and there's plenty of room for nuance."
phiore
Values
"I would try to take care of any dealbreakers. If I find out that she has different political values than I do, it's not going to work out in the long run, so I wouldn't bother. Same thing with other factors (religion, financial values, etc.). I would also ask how much cuddling she likes to engage in, as I prefer a lot."
SkullKrusher9000
Essentials
Tell Me More To Do List GIF by Disney ChannelGiphy"When I was dating my three essential questions were always kids, sex, and money. If you're not on the same wavelength for any of those three things, just don't even try."
KhaosElement
TRUTH PLEASE!!
"So, how much personal debt do you have?"
"Source: the guy who dated a woman with huge debts and was asked to pay for everything and then some".
"After that, I'd go with, 'Have you ever been diagnosed with borderline, narcissistic, or histrionic personality disorders?"
extracensorypower
The questions are basic.
Just ask for the truth.
Do you have any good Qs to add to the queue? Let us know in the comments below.
As much as we always hop for our dating efforts to be worth it and for every relationship to work out, we all know that some relationships are not destined to work out.
But sometimes relationships end for totally valid reasons, and sometimes the reasons are painful, if not devastating.
Redditor overIorded asked:
"What went wrong with your last partner?"
History Repeating Itself
"He cheated on me. And I was glad because that was finally reason enough to allow myself to leave."
"Now I know somebody who's in the same situation. They're trapped. And she's such a gentle and fun person who's afraid to leave him because 'well, it's always been like this, I'm used to it,' and 'I deserve it.'"
"She wants to leave him, she knows she should leave him, but it's so hard to do it, and I know that feeling."
"I'm thinking I should give her my phone number like when the day comes you've had enough, I'll gladly come to help you move out from that s**thole."
- NmlsFool
Mental Health Struggles
"I'm lost in my own trauma and mental illness and he deserves better than anything I have to offer right now."
- Last-Celery7146
"I’ve been on the receiving end of this, and mildly said, it absolutely ruined me. Her trauma and mental problems were BAD, but I still wanted to be with them. So if you ask me, as long as they can give you the space and support you need, and want to be with you, let them make the decision."
- emilersen
"It's also fair and mature to care very much about someone but realize that you only have the emotional bandwidth to take care of yourself right now."
"I'm sure it was very hard for both of you to come to terms with that decision. I don't think it's that he deserves better, I think it's that your attention needs to be on guiding yourself through this thicket of trauma and mental illness before you can be someone else's partner. You can love each other very much but also acknowledge that you don't have the tools to spare for a relationship right now."
"I'm proud of you for focusing on your own mental health and someday, when you have more emotional stability and energy, I hope you find a wonderful partner."
- SpoonAtKnifeFight
Relationship Styles
"We disagreed on how many women he was allowed to date. I’m very strong on monogamy and have no interest in someone (in a supposedly committed relationship) that isn’t."
- Altrano
At Least There's That
"Her psychotic brother tried to kill me. Thankfully he has a Stormtrooper's aim..."
- Active-Plate7939
"Hate the attempted murder, love the 'Star Wars' reference."
- letmetellyousom
Childfree Living
"He wanted a big family, like, six kids, all-natural. Obviously, he wouldn't be birthing them. This was very important to him while I was pretty ambivalent about kids, and the further into my adulthood I've gotten, the more I've realized I just don't want to be pregnant."
"I broke it off so we could both get the lives we wanted. He was also quite a bit more conservative than me, and at the time closeted pansexual person, and some stuff he believed just didn't line up with what I believed. It hurt, but it was amicable."
"Now he has a wife and kids like he wanted, and I am happily partnered and childfree. It worked out for the best."
- Free-Government5162
Family Ties
"She hated that I had a healthy relationship with my family and was trying to find ways to sabotage it."
- Cobra-Serpentress
"Similar aspect to mine, she hated my sister and mother because she had a bad relationship with her sister and mother. She would get mad at me whenever I brought my family up."
- letmetellyousom
Quality Time
"My last boyfriend dumped me because I got mad that he was coming to Dallas after I hadn't seen him for two months, but didn't want to see me."
"He was going to meet up with some friends of his he hadn't seen in a few months. I told him that was fine with me, but I felt he should make time to see me too since we hadn't seen each other in two months and we were supposed to be a couple."
"He responded to my anger by ghosting me. That was two years ago."
- dallasmysterylover
Distracted with a Punch
"A girl contacted me about him talking to her. I asked him what was going on, and he sucker-punched me in the face."
- Brilliant-Victory128
Projecting Insecurities
"He cheated on me for all six years we were together and then accused me of cheating on him, even though I wasn't allowed to leave the house."
"I'm also pretty sure he slept with my sister-in-law when my brother and I went to pick up dinner."
- Affectionate_Egg1252
Children Come First
"He was and still is no father to his kids, has anger issues, and probably has other mental health issues. I tried for years to help him and help the relationship, but he wasn't having it. After seeing how my oldest suffered under him, I had to leave."
- rintan13
Poor Communication
"I communicated how I felt about many things in the relationship. He never communicated about anything."
- aj_oof0323
"Oh look, it's the last 14 years of my life..."
- empathetic111
"I'm guilty of this, and boy, do I regret not being able to open up about my feelings. It cost me my marriage. But now I'm trying to be more open and share my thoughts and feelings. Just wished I could've done this earlier than later."
Deserving Better
"I started drinking again and became a miserable a**hole due to my own depression and my s**tty job. As such, she didn't get the attention she deserved, and had to put up with my s**tty mood all the time... so she left. I don't blame her."
"So, it was me. I don't know if I trust myself with a relationship again, but aside from the shame of knowing I hurt someone who I loved, and loved me back, but I was too self-absorbed and selfish, I am trying to be a better human to everyone."
"And to my ex: You'll find someone again... someone better."
- cracksintheegg
Big Moves
"He wanted to move to Alaska to be with some girl he was 'friends' with before me."
- dont_be_trash
Alzheimer's Disease
"My ex's early-onset Alzheimers (at the age of 50) and the resulting violence, paranoia, and irrational thinking. I tried to honor my vows, but he was so far out there, I feared for my life."
- No_Transportation258
Different Definitions of Marriage
"She cheated on me after five years total together, the last one of which was while we were engaged. She cheated on me for months, all while I was planning the wedding, working part-time, and going to graduate school so I can support us comfortably in the future."
"I planned on giving her everything I could and sharing the rest of my life with her, and apparently she didn’t care."
- Mountaingoat1001
This conversation just goes to show that relationships can end for all kinds of reasons. Even in relationships where there is still a lot of love and committment, the relationship can still end, just like how the relationship can end suddenly because of a surprising and devastating realization.