Being a parent means instilling your child with a decent sense of right and wrong. That is, when it doesn't come at great personal harm to yourself, right? This could be where the classic, "Kids, don't tell your mother," expression comes from. Whatever the mess, whatever the spill, whatever the injury, it's worth a little lie on your conscience, right?
Reddit user, u/Tufflaw, wanted dads and the kids they swore to secrecy to break their vows and share:
Dads of Reddit, what is your best "Don't tell your mother" moment with your kid?
"You Let Them Play Video Games?!"
Giphy
Haven't done this with my kids yet but I remember one from my childhood: My mom did not allow us to have video game consoles in the house. (Yes, we were deprived children.) My brother and I shared a room. He won a TV at a school party and one day I bought an N64 and several games at a garage sale. We then snuck these items into our house, and set them up in our closet. We'd been playing Mariokart, Goldeneye, and Super Smash Bros. for a couple days when my Dad walked in our room and we weren't fast enough to dump the pile of clothes over things to keep them hidden.
There was an awkward silence then the following conversation happened.
Dad: Is that a Nintendo?
Us: Yes.
Dad: Does your Mom know you have this?
Us: Probably not.
Dad: Do you have another controller?
He played with us for a while, told us not to tell mom and to this day we've all kept our secret.
"You Let Them Drink?!"
When I was underage my dad would let me have a drink every once in awhile.
The first time he had asked me to make him a screwdriver. I said sure then jokingly said "only if I get one too!" He was like "eh, whatever. You're 18 and not going anywhere tonight. Don't tell your mom."
When he passed away I was telling that story. As it turns out, mom knew the whole time. She didn't care because we were bonding.
"You Were Doing What In The Car?!"
I was in the car with my dad one winter when he pulls into an empty car park and starts pulling mad skids on the ice.
When I questioned wtf he was doing, the look on his face made it pretty clear he forgot I was in the back of the car. It made me wonder what other random sh-t he gets up to when he's on his own.
"You Ate What?!"
My wife got a birthday cake for her friends surprise party. I thought it was for us cuz it was in the fridge so I ate it.
Son saw me, knew he would tell her. He made me buy him a toy batmobile for not telling.
At least I know he's my son...
So you just ran out and got the same exact cake or what?
Tbh... Ya. I called the bakery and they got the same cake within an hour for free. I also was able to finish that other cake... Shoutout
"You Know How To Do What?!"
When my mother was away with her job for two weeks. I one evening after i was laid to bed got up, and saw my dad ironing his own shirts, he looked at me and said: "Don't tell your mom that I know how to do this. "
"You Gave Them Sugar?!"
My kid rats me out every dang time I give her sugar. Lollipop at the store? First thing she says when we get home.
Snitch.
You're Next!
I guess this is more of being ratted out, but if I crack a rat, he yells "Daddy fong pei!" Which mean "Daddy farted" in Cantonese.
Someone's getting the Dutch oven treatment soon.
Need For Something...
Wife and I went with high school band down to local band competition to support one of our kids. About 5 hours drive away through mostly desert. Competition was Friday night, then had to assist coaching my son's Jr. High football game at 9am on Sat., and back in distant city with son for final competition Sat night.
I rented GT 500 Mustang and took it home. Well over 100mph late at night on the way home. And same coming back. Had to tell him not to tell Mom we hit more than 130mph.
He loved it.
You're Last On The List, Now!
Trying out my new longbow in the garage and just so slightly missed the target and right through the garage door.
I didn't even have time to say "oh crap" before one of my kids yelled "mom, guess what dad just did!"
Missed The Firsts
i've got twin 14 month old girls, and a 10 year old stepdaughter. Mom works most nights, so it's just me and the girls. One of the twins took her first steps playing with me and her older sister, and i made the 10 year old promise not to tell her mom.
We had been practicing walking with them for months and knew we were really close but they just had to take that first leap of faith. I don't want her to think she missed first steps because she was working.
Stand Up For Yourself
I've always raised my kids to be strong. Pick themselves up when they fall rather than cry about it every since they were babies.
That being said me and my son (who was two at the time) were at the playground. This mom shows up with two of her kids, a boy around 5 and a girl about 7 or so. You could tell just by the way she was acting that she was a Coddler and one of those "My kids don't do no wrong because I'm there to protect them" kind of woman.
Well her 5 year old son was kicking a soccer ball around and I saw him look at my two year old, take a running start and kick the ball right at my 2 y/o sons head and knock him to the ground, he wasn't on the ground 2 seconds! Not even shedding a tear my son stood up picked up that soccer ball walked over to the kid said "that's not nice" and smashed the ball off of the kids face, this kid goes to the ground crying and his mother runs over hysterically freaking out.
Keep in mind that she didn't care her son kicked a ball at my son's head just that my son stood up to him, so the kids crying like a baby, moms freaking out and right in front of the kid and his mom my two year old said "Walk it off and Stop Acting Like a F-cking Pussy!"
Took him for ice cream afterwards I had never felt so proud in my life
Rat Them Out
When I was a kid my father set the driveway on fire trying to burn out a stump.
I wasn't taking the fall for that though.
Just Wait And See
My son farted on the pizza and I didn't tell mom because I wanted to see how she would react
Getting Them Started Early
I had just poured a beer into a glass and then picked up my 1 year old. Kid in the left arm, beer in the right hand. I was carrying both to the family room so he could play and I could watch some hockey. I was momentarily distracted by a highlight and when I glanced back, his hand was in my beer glass and then he shoved it right into his mouth.
I hurriedly set the beer down, pulled his hand out and dried it off as quick as I could. "Buddy I know you can't talk yet but let's just keep this one between us"
Shoot Yourself In The Foot
One day I picked my daughter up from daycare and gave her a candy bar. I told her not to tell mom. No problems there. So then about a week later we are all in the car and I tell my wife "Oh I gave her a candy bar last time I picked her up." My daughter gets mad at me like "DAD, YOU SAID NOT TO TELL MOMMY!"
So yeah, that's my best. The time my daughter got mad at me for telling mom when I said not too.
"You Let Them Swim Near What?!"
Oh I got this.
My daughter and I are on a 10-day road trip through the American South, an AirBNB here, a campground there and one state park right outside of Jackson, Mississippi.
We'd just come from New Orleans where, among other things, we had taken a "Swamp Tour" where we were within spitting distance of some massive alligators. After 6 or so hours of driving, we decided to pitch a tent for the night by a river. At the time, my daughter was 8 years-old and couldn't get enough swimming. The park ranger was making his rounds so we asked him if it was cool to go swimming in the river and he recommends a spot only a few minutes walk from where we were camped.
So we do just that. A couple of hours of splashing around and having fun and such and we go roast our hotdogs and retire—at which point we are treated to the most glorious lightning storm I've ever seen.
The next morning, we wake up and while we're packing up camp, two local ladies start chatting us up and they happen to mention the family of alligators they had seen swimming in the river.
Horrified, I asked where. They pointed right to where we were swimming. I asked if they had seen them the day before and they said yes, same spot.
I literally looked at my daughter and said "Mommy is never to hear of this."
That was such a great trip for so many other reasons, but that story sticks out.
"You Ran Out Of Gas Mid-Flight?!"
Giphy
When I was growing up, my dad was a private pilot (but former military pilot with many thousands of hours) and would sometimes take me along. One day, mid-flight, the engine just quit and we found ourselves at 5,000 feet and steadily descending in a glide over some pretty forested land.
Turns out he had forgotten to switch fuel tanks mid-flight (there were three in the plane and you're supposed to switch between them as you fly to ensure a constant supply of fuel and proper balancing). Luckily he diagnosed the issue and re-started the engine with a couple thousand feet to spare, and we were fine.
After he got sorted and chilled out a bit, he clicked on the intercom and said, "you're not gonna tell your mom about that, are you?"
I was about 13 years old (I'm in my 40s now), and she still doesn't know. She was paranoid about us kids flying with him and that would have been the end of it. He's in his 70s and still flying. Swears that's the only time he's ever had a brain fart like that while flying. I don't know if I believe him.
What do you not want your kids' mother to find out about? Share it with us!
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- Don't Tell My Mother! :: About Us ›
It connects people, ideas, senses or humor, creativity! Yes, we've got our fair share of deviants, murderers, and trashbag people, but we've also got decades of wonder to celebrate.
Newbies like to think using the internet for awesomeness is something they came up with, but the old heads are here to tell you the internet has ALWAYS been a complicated crash course in the coolest stuff ever.
So let's hop in the wayback machine and get our nostalgia on.
Reddit user ransom0374 asked:
"What do you miss from early internet times?"
So let's take that walk down memory lane, or if you're new-ish here on planet Earth, this is going to be a fun little "history" lesson.
If you're uncertain where you fall, here's a test:
"Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger..."
If you finished the song, you're probably going to remember quite a few of these...
Away Messages
"AIM away messages saying stupid stuff like 'BRB going to get some bagel bites.' "
"Don't forget to update your personal profile with Blink 182 lyrics and the initials of your school sweetheart and some ASCII. Browse for a new inappropriate buddy icon and strike up a convo with SmarterChild"
GiphyThe Unknown
"I miss the wild unknown frontier that the internet was."
"It seemed there was so much discovery to be had on the internet, and if you were good at the internet everyone thought of you as 'Hackerman' and you were like a God amongst your peers."
"It seems like there isn't anything 'new' on the internet anymore. No discoveries to be made."
GiphyThe Irony Is Not Lost On Us
"Variety. There's a popular tweet that says something like 'the internet has turned into four websites where on each one people share screenshots of the other three.' "
"I miss when you could search a term and there would be dozens of sites dedicated to it or forums especially for it. Now it's just ads, Wikipedia, and Reddit."
"Oh, and not having ads shoved down your throat every time you search a term or navigate to a page!"
"I know there were pop ups and banners, which weren't any better. But there was a sweet spot."
"There was a few years there where you could Google something and half the first page WASN'T sponsored ads that had nothing to do with what you looked up. And you could go to a website and it DIDN'T block the page with a full screen ad asking for your email to join their mailing list or save 10% on their merchandise."
GiphyFiguring It Out
"That all the webpages were just random people trying to figure out HTML."
"There really wasn't a corporate presence at all. It was just a place for people to experiment."
"You could click on a button and make a cardboard hand wave at someone's cats. You could dispense a coke from a machine in some dorm. It was dumb and fun."
GiphyEndless Learning
"The learning was endless."
"There were almost an infinite source of information from all over the world. If you wanted to find something all you had to do was search for it in Ask Jeeves or whatever and you'd find any website that had ever mentioned that thing."
"There were more than 10 different websites. And at least it didn't feel like I was being forced to sign up for a subscription after every click."
"There were so many fun, cute stores to shop. Now it feels like everyone dresses and decorates the same."
"I miss a lot of things about the early internet. I'm probably wrong, but it just felt safer than it does now?"
GiphyMaking Friends
"I was in my late teens when the internet was becoming accessible to everyone. Our one household computer was in the kitchen & facing in a way so anyone coming in could see your screen."
"I remember looking at someone's website and my Dad passing by to get something to eat, asking me if the person on the website was my friend."
"I miss those old days! The internet seemed endless & friendly."
GiphyA Base Level For Participation
"Most people were smart."
"In the early days (by far) most people on the internet were in college, either as a teacher or student. Beyond that, people had to to be in a lab or make their computer talk to a connected computer which was not so easy in the old days."
"It acted as a sort of intelligence barrier one needed clear to participate in internet things."
- tsoldrin
"Higher barrier to entry."
"I remember the fond days of SLIP and Trumpet Winsock when you had to know at least a little about tech to get on and participate."
"There was still stupidity, but it just wasn't as loud as it is now."
- dramboxf
"In the very very early days, pre-AOL, you needed skill and knowledge to get online."
"Then AOL came onto the scene an d anyone could get online at the push of a button."
GiphyGo Away Now
"I miss when what happened on the internet, stayed on the internet."
"You could turn off the beige box and go about the rest of your day without it affecting you."
"The fact that is only existed on a big computer in the house, as long as no-one was on the phone. It wasn't some all-encompassing thing."
- dienices
"The internet not following me around. When you logged off, you effectively put the internet away."
GiphyIt Used To Be...
"How people used to treat it."
"The internet was not just a novelty, but an amazing piece of technology that let anyone share anything. It was so wholesome and loving, with everyone still being amazed at what we could do now."
"Now? There's so many websites that are designed to make you angry and radicalize your beliefs. It's quantity over quality."
"There was a time when nobody on Reddit shared politics, when Facebook was for socializing, when YouTube was where people uploaded stuff they were passionate about."
GiphyWe Used To Love Yahoo
"Yahoo Answers"
"Yahoo Pool"
- inaclick
"I can't remember what it was called, but Yahoo had this great music video program where it showed popular artists, and some very unknown folks."
"I discovered some of my favorite artists having it play in the background all the time."
"Launchcast/Yahoo Radio. It was revolutionary for music streaming and the 1-5 star system worked really well. I preferred it over Pandora's up/down system."
GiphyOn a personal level, I want to go on record and say MusicMatch was the greatest music program in the history of life.
It just was.
I will die on this hill.
It was dopeness in all forms. MusicMatch Jukebox? Dope. Yahoo MusicMatch? Dope.
So what relics from Ye Olde Internet are you passionate about? Sound off in the comments!
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Never miss another big, odd, funny or heartbreaking moment again.
The dogs owner shared the video along with a post asking professionals to shed some light on why he does what he does.
Owner-obliviousness as they gushed about how adorable it was made the awkward even better.
The owner explained the Frenchie often makes aggressive eye contact and licks his lips while he "plays air guitar"—which is what the family calls it—and how cute & funny they all find the behavior.
GiphyThe video was the dog, casually chilling, using his paw to rub the tip of his penis while staring awkwardly at the camera and licking his lips like a pup possessed.
Three hundred and fifteen laugh-reacts—at the time that I saw it—and only three comments:
1. a vet explaining that the behavior showed in the video was the dog masturbating while making direct eye contact
2. the owner giving a simple "thank you" and
3. the admins of the group closing the comments.
So, why am I sharing this with you?
Because Reddit user Drakmamman asked:
"Dog owners of reddit, what the dog doin?"
... and so now you get this whole article just so I had an excuse to tell y'all about a furiously fapping Frenchie, 'cause somebody else needed to know about him.
I cackled for a good 20 minutes imagining the family getting all giddy about their dog "playing air guitar"—making the little air guitar meedly squeedly noises while he played, maybe even playing along thinking they're enjoying a fun little game—but they're really just been giving a hair metal soundtrack to their dogs stroke sesh.
Something tells me now the owner knows what "air guitar" really is, they're not likely to rush and tell Reddit all about how they've been gathering as a family to watch cause it's just so cute.
That's what I'm here for.
Anyway, here's the stuff other people's dogs are up to. It's not fapping—or if it is, the owners aren't telling Reddit.
Partner Preference
Giphy"Wife just came home with the baby. Dog is acting like she's been abandoned for years running up and down, barking and jumping on everything."
"They'd only been out an hour and I was with her the whole time." - Single_Goose7015
"My dog does this too when my wife comes home. Like what am I, chopped liver?" - jackof47trades
"I feel your pain. My dog started howling mournfully when my partner went back to work last week… I was right there!" - TreatOutside
"Staring at the door waiting for the only human he cares about to come home (obviously not me)" - SnarkyRedhead
Herding Cats
Giphy"Probably trying to herd the cats."
"He's a border collie mix who's afraid of goats and sheep, but even after six years of living with them he still thinks he can control where the cats go."
"He's a good boy, he's very persistent, but not terribly bright sometimes." - TokesNotHigh
"After 8 years our border collie still herds the cats, and the vacuum." - psychologicaluse28
"Big heart, small brain. I have one of those dogs too. They are the sweetest." - Technobucket
Wretched Existence
Giphy"She has flung herself flat across the bed and is playing dead, quiet except for the occasional pitiful whine. Every now and then she lifts her head up and fixes a desperate look upon me, silently begging for release from her wretched existence."
"She's a bit overdramatic about having to wear a cone. The issue is an abrasion on a toe that she won't stop licking, which is making it worse."
"I've been alternating between bandaging it and having her wear a cone. She's been consistently a drama queen." - halfinboxes
One Hour
Giphy"Staring at me because their dinner time is in one hour and they need to start letting me know that, in an hour, they need to eat...in an hour, so I better not forget...cuz they're hungry, which is why they're staring at me...and it's almost dinner time."
"Just one more hour, And they want to make sure I don't forget. Because maybe I will."
"So, they need to remind me. By staring at me. Every day. One hour before dinner." - MotherOfFred
A Little "Light" Exercise
Giphy"Mine loves light reflected off watches or phones. And loves lasers."
"It's sunny and he sees light on the wall so he is bothering me to use my watch or phone so he can chase the light. I've spent the last hour doing it."
"I even got him a cat laser toy that's automatic for him and he runs himself tired as all hell with it. But he is STILL asking for it."
"Used the laser toy also too, so he is panting dripping tongue and still wants to play more..." - boomgoon
Vicious Predators
Giphy"Last night my dogs chased down and killed a rabbit in the backyard. They are usually so gentle; this was weird and unexpected."
"I watched the whole thing helpless because it was so fast. The rabbit screamed, it was insane."
"Now, I'm watching them sleep on my couch and can't help but think they just murdered someone."
"They are just vicious predators, right here, in my house. On my couch."
"But they snuggly as f*ck. This trips me out." - Atheist_Redditor
A Problematic Princess
Giphy"We have two chihuahuas. One is a 15 year old (quite appropriately) named Princess and one is a one year old named Charlie."
"Both have their own dog beds on the couch since they are spoiled."
"When Princess is feeling particularly moody or like asserting her dominance, she will drag Charlie's bed into her bed and lay on top of BOTH of them and snarl at him if he comes close to her personal space bubble/bed mountain."
"And when we tell her she can't have both beds and put his bed back to the side, she just glares at us. Lol." - mslm90
Shoe-nanigans
Giphy"She's currently in her cage resting after her great adventure."
"She managed to get upstairs and grab a hold of one of my shoes. Not just any old shoe, but one of the shoes I am planning to wear this weekend for my wedding."
"After running around, she dropped the shoe to chew on a shirt - at which point she was cornered, and then brought downstairs."
"Pup and shoe are both unharmed and doing well. My nerves, not so much." - still_interesting23
So ... what's YOUR dog been up to lately?
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