So let's talk about how a dog owner on Facebook learned her dog's "adorable" behavior was, in fact, furious masturbation.
Readers, if you know anything about me you know I love a good plot twist and I love chonky puppers.
Yesterday, life combined my two great loves in a hilarious and inappropriate way.
I was mindlessly scrolling through my dog groups on Facebook when a video with a few hundred laugh reacts but almost no comments caught my eye.
The still from the video was a pudgy little Frenchie, so obviously I had to read and watch.
The dogs owner shared the video along with a post asking professionals to shed some light on why he does what he does.
Owner-obliviousness as they gushed about how adorable it was made the awkward even better.
The owner explained the Frenchie often makes aggressive eye contact and licks his lips while he "plays air guitar"—which is what the family calls it—and how cute & funny they all find the behavior.
GiphyThe video was the dog, casually chilling, using his paw to rub the tip of his penis while staring awkwardly at the camera and licking his lips like a pup possessed.
Three hundred and fifteen laugh-reacts—at the time that I saw it—and only three comments:
1. a vet explaining that the behavior showed in the video was the dog masturbating while making direct eye contact
2. the owner giving a simple "thank you" and
3. the admins of the group closing the comments.
So, why am I sharing this with you?
Because Reddit user Drakmamman asked:
"Dog owners of reddit, what the dog doin?"
... and so now you get this whole article just so I had an excuse to tell y'all about a furiously fapping Frenchie, 'cause somebody else needed to know about him.
I cackled for a good 20 minutes imagining the family getting all giddy about their dog "playing air guitar"—making the little air guitar meedly squeedly noises while he played, maybe even playing along thinking they're enjoying a fun little game—but they're really just been giving a hair metal soundtrack to their dogs stroke sesh.
Something tells me now the owner knows what "air guitar" really is, they're not likely to rush and tell Reddit all about how they've been gathering as a family to watch cause it's just so cute.
That's what I'm here for.
Anyway, here's the stuff other people's dogs are up to. It's not fapping—or if it is, the owners aren't telling Reddit.
Partner Preference
Giphy"Wife just came home with the baby. Dog is acting like she's been abandoned for years running up and down, barking and jumping on everything."
"They'd only been out an hour and I was with her the whole time." - Single_Goose7015
"My dog does this too when my wife comes home. Like what am I, chopped liver?" - jackof47trades
"I feel your pain. My dog started howling mournfully when my partner went back to work last week… I was right there!" - TreatOutside
"Staring at the door waiting for the only human he cares about to come home (obviously not me)" - SnarkyRedhead
Herding Cats
Giphy"Probably trying to herd the cats."
"He's a border collie mix who's afraid of goats and sheep, but even after six years of living with them he still thinks he can control where the cats go."
"He's a good boy, he's very persistent, but not terribly bright sometimes." - TokesNotHigh
"After 8 years our border collie still herds the cats, and the vacuum." - psychologicaluse28
"Big heart, small brain. I have one of those dogs too. They are the sweetest." - Technobucket
Wretched Existence
Giphy"She has flung herself flat across the bed and is playing dead, quiet except for the occasional pitiful whine. Every now and then she lifts her head up and fixes a desperate look upon me, silently begging for release from her wretched existence."
"She's a bit overdramatic about having to wear a cone. The issue is an abrasion on a toe that she won't stop licking, which is making it worse."
"I've been alternating between bandaging it and having her wear a cone. She's been consistently a drama queen." - halfinboxes
One Hour
Giphy"Staring at me because their dinner time is in one hour and they need to start letting me know that, in an hour, they need to eat...in an hour, so I better not forget...cuz they're hungry, which is why they're staring at me...and it's almost dinner time."
"Just one more hour, And they want to make sure I don't forget. Because maybe I will."
"So, they need to remind me. By staring at me. Every day. One hour before dinner." - MotherOfFred
A Little "Light" Exercise
"Mine loves light reflected off watches or phones. And loves lasers."
"It's sunny and he sees light on the wall so he is bothering me to use my watch or phone so he can chase the light. I've spent the last hour doing it."
"I even got him a cat laser toy that's automatic for him and he runs himself tired as all hell with it. But he is STILL asking for it."
"Used the laser toy also too, so he is panting dripping tongue and still wants to play more..." - boomgoon
I 7892`1https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4C4Re-yqBw&t=29sThese Gestures Are Offensive In Other Countries | George Takei's Oh Myyy
People explain the friendly gestures in one country that are offensive in another. It's imperative to do a little research about the destinations and culture...Vicious Predators
Giphy"Last night my dogs chased down and killed a rabbit in the backyard. They are usually so gentle; this was weird and unexpected."
"I watched the whole thing helpless because it was so fast. The rabbit screamed, it was insane."
"Now, I'm watching them sleep on my couch and can't help but think they just murdered someone."
"They are just vicious predators, right here, in my house. On my couch."
"But they snuggly as f*ck. This trips me out." - Atheist_Redditor
A Problematic Princess
Giphy"We have two chihuahuas. One is a 15 year old (quite appropriately) named Princess and one is a one year old named Charlie."
"Both have their own dog beds on the couch since they are spoiled."
"When Princess is feeling particularly moody or like asserting her dominance, she will drag Charlie's bed into her bed and lay on top of BOTH of them and snarl at him if he comes close to her personal space bubble/bed mountain."
"And when we tell her she can't have both beds and put his bed back to the side, she just glares at us. Lol." - mslm90
Shoe-nanigans
Giphy"She's currently in her cage resting after her great adventure."
"She managed to get upstairs and grab a hold of one of my shoes. Not just any old shoe, but one of the shoes I am planning to wear this weekend for my wedding."
"After running around, she dropped the shoe to chew on a shirt - at which point she was cornered, and then brought downstairs."
"Pup and shoe are both unharmed and doing well. My nerves, not so much." - still_interesting23
The Closet
Oh Boy Dog GIFGiphy"She's currently sleeping under the bed. When I got home from work she didn't greet me at all, so I got nervous and went to find her."
"My husband had accidentally locked her in the closet!"
"Her stupid little face when I got her out was so cute. I love her so much. I'm gonna go wake her up and force her to snuggle with me now."
Poop Posts
Encouragement Dog Poop GIFGiphy"Pooped a sock on the neighbor's lawn, which I, in a bathrobe, had to rush out and clean up."
"Sh*tting in my moms daisies she planted 2 days ago."
"I'm so proud."
- Maxivixx
"Cry outside the toilet door because I'm not letting him watch me poop"
The Most Important Work
Best Friends Lol GIF by Boomerang OfficialGiphy"She is laying next to me in the bed, head on my knees."
"She wakes me up from nightmares and keeps the truck safe all day. When I get lost in memories or severe despair she knows and comes and inserts herself."
"I'm living with PTSD and a whole bunch of self worth issues than make me want to die. So basically the dog is keeping me alive."
Potato Time
Napoleon Dynamite Liger GIF by 20th Century Fox Home EntertainmentGiphy"She woke me up at 6am for walkies."
"I couldn't go back to sleep afterwards, so I went out for coffee, and came back to see her and my wife snuggling in bed under the covers."
"I'm just going to let them be potatoes while I go draw in my office."
Babysitting
Best Friends Dog GIF by DisneyGiphy"The dog is babysitting my granddaughter."
"Controls where she goes, what she takes, what she does. My granddaughter loves this dog. They're about the same height."
Decent Co-Workers
Work From Home Cute Dog GIFGiphy"I usually spend a bit of the early AM with my laptop upstairs in the couch while I catch up on emails, drink coffee, and warm up (house is a bit cool I'm the morning)."
"My dog loves me working from home in that he's learned this is a great time to plunk down his head on my lap and get scatches."
"I cannot complain."
- phormix
After Daycare
French Bulldog Dog GIF by Wag HotelsGiphy"Mines currently on my lap licking his butthole."
"He went to daycare today so he's had lots of other dogs' noses up there."
"No way I'm letting him lick my face for the rest of the night though."
- ejfrodo
Helicopter
Golden Retriever Dog GIFGiphy"Right now he is wiggling in circles because I taught him the word "Helicopter" as a command, and someone on the news just said it."
"Man, do I love him."
So ... what's YOUR dog been up to lately?
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An unwillingness to learn
"I feel like the classic example is being unable to change your opinion or idea when you are presented with new information."
"You don’t have to set everything you believe in stone."- Rusty_of_Shackleford
"I think a key thing that separates the intelligent from the less intelligent is curiosity and how far you actually go to learn."- TuxedoWolf07
When even they don't know what they're talking about.
"Maybe not unintelligence but ignorance."
"People getting angry when I ask them to explain what they just meant as I want to understand them and not misunderstand."- smokinstuff·
"Getting angry when someone ask them to explain their point."- SuvenPan
Working Julie Andrews GIFGiphyIt's never attractive to gloat
"Obsessively telling everybody how intelligent you are."- terribleUsername18
It's ok to admit defeat every now and then...
"Playing 'last word' in an argument you've lost."- LennonMcCartney65
"Being defensive when corrected instead of just accepting it."- Marthstewart123
"Claiming they are always right but not being able to argument why or have a serious debate about it."- GReatChinook
Drop The Mic GIF by In Real LifeGiphyAre you sure about that?
"Constantly saying 'facts' that are extremely false."
"Gets on my nerves."- Sharkifish
Read the instructions!!!
"I just started driving for UberXL."
"The amount of people who think they can fit 8 people with all their luggage into a midsize SUV is astonishing."
"You can see which car comes to pick you up and it says fits 5 people."
"If you have a piece of luggage each then it's more like 3 people."
"I had one group sit there and stare me down like they didn't understand."
"I swear some people just have a mental limit for figuring things out and they all find each other and never get anywhere."- predict_irrational
One should always reserve judgment, as one never knows for sure what lurks beneath the surface.
Even if more often and not, you are left with little to nothing which encourages you to see what's there.
Overprotective parents tend to be evasive about discussing the birds and the bees with their kids because they feel it's not up to them to have that conversation.
Remember Carrie White's religious mom who refused to talk about intimacy with her 16-year-old?
We all know how that turned out in the classic Stephen King novel.
Anyway, parents turning down an opportunity to have the uncomfortable convo or having their kids miss out on sex education can lead a child to potentially develop damaging misunderstandings about their body and puberty.
The effects of which were explored when Redditor sparklingshanaya asked:
"What’s a sexual misconception you had for way too long?"
It helps to have an earlier understanding about your body when you're younger.
Sex Education
"As a girl, I had no real idea of where/what the vagina was until I was like 11 or 12. My mom didn't give me a real sex talk, just a puberty/body book that said 'the vagina is between the woman's legs' and just had a full frontal diagram (legs closed) of a woman with an arrow pointing to her pelvic region. I also didn't know a period lasted longer than a day until I got mine at 14, and then wondered why it was still going on the next day."
"When my mom realized how abysmal my sex education was, her solution was to rent a video from the library about it and make me watch it on the big family TV in the living room at like 3pm. Granted— it was a very educational video but I won't ever forget one of the educators (a 50 year old woman) talking about how to give a satisfactory blow job."
– ash-on-fire
Hard Epiphany
"Ok so I grew up in a VERY conservative household. Was not allowed to take sex ed in middle school and they helicoptered in high school. Any internet access they had access to view so I never watched porn/looked at pics. Absolutely nothing. So for a long time I thought penises were shaped like a smaller pringles can. I thought it was just like...a straight up cylinder. Moved out at 17 and googled some things and man I had men's anatomy SO wrong."
– WholeLottaIntrovert
Wrong End Of The Stick
"Friend of mine has a similar background and I just about lost my mind when she said the balls are the END of the penis. Like she had seen those doodles and had it upside down so they just dangle off the end of the shaft lmaooo."
– xchakrumx
Let's get verbal about getting oral.
Satisfy A Woman
"Learn to go down on a woman, like become a master at it. Do this."
– ecallawsamoht
Excuse For Supper
"I second this. Been married for 20 years and it's something I'm happy to do."
"Get involved, people."
"Edit: thanks for the medals and upvotes, people! Be assured that I'll be celebrating tonight."
– AhabVanCleef
Semantics
"Friend of a friend thought it meant kissing. And they were like 19. So glad they found out through a conversation and not through a dude asking for it, or her talking about it. That would've been extremely confusing for everyone."
– SilverWaters793
Pucker Up
"My friend back in middle school thought a blowjob meant to literally blow on it. I still tease her about it to this day."
– Ashurii_desu
Failed Expectations
"Man, I thought I was gonna get so many blow jobs. That’s just not true."
– Studying_Politics
As young adolescents, these Redditors got these terminologies mixed up.
Dirty Talk
"When I was around middle school age I thought that oral sex meant talking dirty :’)"
– strawbrykat
"I used to sext with my girlfriend in high school. When we broke up, she just went crazy and told everyone in our grade that I was great at 'oral sex' (she meant sexting💀) School hasn’t been the same since then."
– Particular-Ad4356
Learning By Example
"I was kind of sheltered growing up, and like most sheltered kids, I learned a lot about sex through porn. I kept seeing 'blowjob' videos, and (i had no idea what a blowjob) assumed it was some kind of sex blooper. Like, something got messed up and the director said 'Oh darn, you blew it! Let’s take it from the top.'”
– Danny_my_boy
I had sex education in sixth grade after my parents gave the school permission for me to attend the special assembly centering on the topic.
But I remember how vague the instructor was. By the time I eventually had my first nocturnal emission, I remember being terrified, yet simultaneously elated. It was very confusing, and I didn't know what happened.
I remember reflecting back to sixth grade and thinking the school must've skipped that part in sex ed.
We all scream for ice cream.
"Go to Doncaster, England, to pick-up an ice-cream van for a friend that he'd bought on eBay while he was in Australia."
"I said yes, and so it began..."
"Firstly he wired me £6000, which I withdrew in cash to pay for it."
"At the time this was the most money I'd ever held so I was a little nervous."
"My girlfriend then drove me down the M1 to Doncaster, and dropped me off at a house with a Pepto Bismol pink ice-cream van in the driveway."
'I knocked on the door and a jolly, gigantic man in dirty overalls opened the door and spent the next two hours with me as I learnt to strip and rebuild the Mr. Whippy ice-cream machine inside the van."
"I was thoroughly unprepared for this."
"I was also unprepared for the machine exploding in my face after loading it with the minimum 4 litres of UHT ice-cream mix."
"With slightly sour milk now liberally coating my clothes, and the light fading, the Friendly Ice-cream Giant talked me through the intricacies of starting and driving a 1973 Bedford ice-cream van."
"The ice-cream machine inside ran off the engine, rather than a generator like most do."
"So there was an elaborate set of linkages that transferred the engine power from the wheels to the machinery when engaged."
"They were also entirely exposed and directly where you would normally put your foot when driving."
"Lovely."
"The engine also didn't start on its own, you had to crack open the bonnet and spray a generous amount of combustable gas directly into the air intake before giving the accelerator a bloody good stomp."
"Fortunately, The F.I.G did this for me. He then let me drive it to the local petrol station to fill it up, during which time he also let me discover that the speedo, windscreen wipers and lights didn't really work."
"Oh, and neither did the fuel gauge."
"And, for some reason, the fuel cap was level with the tank, so you couldn't pump fuel into at more than a dribble or it all ran back out."
"This meant you had no real idea how much fuel was in it."
"But plenty to get it home, I was assured."
"After, sort of, filling it up, struggling to start it, and chugging home at an unknown, but very leisurely, pace, I paid him and we filled in some paperwork."
"At which point he let me know it was untaxed and, contrary to my friends belief, not exempt."
"So I'd be breaking the law driving it home."
"Which I now had to do."
"In the dark."
"With no real lights."
"Did I mention it had just started to rain?"
"But off I set, gingerly traversing the on-ramp to the busiest motorway in the UK, foot to the floor, wind whistling through the various holes in the bodywork."
"I had no idea how fast I was going, but from the waves and gestures I got from passing vehicles it definitely wasn't fast enough."
"I also realized I didn't know how good the brakes were."
"Or what condition the tires were in."
"And it was wet, very wet."
"And the off-ramp was downhill, with lights at the bottom."
"Oh goody, now there was smoke coming from the bonnet."
"By some miracle of agricultural engineering and blind faith I made it back to my flat, and parked the dreaded van in a visitors space."
"Where it sat for the next 3 months, as I gradually ate my way through the industrial sized box of Cadbury's flakes that were going out of date."
"Until my building management lost their sense of humor and forced my friend to come and get it or they'd have it towed away. because once he realized he'd bought a lemon, he was in no hurry to have it become his problem."
"But I'd do it all again."
"The joy you can give kids on boring car journey by hitting the ice-cream tune as they go past is brilliant."- Will-this-do
Ice Cream Truck GIF by Jordan McGrawGiphyA real friend puts up with all kinds of sh*t.... literally
"Not something a friend asked of me but something a friend offered to help with."
"Had a lingering smell of rotten sewage in the house."
"Was a bit short on money at the time so I called a buddy who can fix anything to see if he could figure it out."
"He identifies the issue right away and crawls under my house to find a previous owner used drano and must have not done a proper flush so it ate away the main sewer pipe."
"At least 6 months of sh*t, piss, and food was built up that was probably 4 inches deep."
"He went to his truck to put on his boilersuit and crawled through my girlfriends and my sh*t for 2 hours replacing the rotted pipe."
"I was down there with him trying to help however I could but he pretty much did the repair solo."
"Every time he encountered a thick chunk of poo he would yell up through the crawl hole that my girlfriend should ease off on the corn."
"Didn't phase him one bit and he wouldn't accept any form of payment even though I insisted I had to repay him somehow."
"Best friend I've ever had, this isn't the only example I could give about how great of a friend he is but definitely the wildest."
"Dan the man, you the real MVP if you ever see this."- COYFC
"I became friends with a female coworker as I was dating a guy who was friends with her boyfriend at the time."
"She had this weird thing about not pooping around him to the point when they eventually did long distance she would visit him for the weekend and hold it in the ENTIRE TIME."
"We planned a trip together and shared a hotel room with all four of us."
"While her and I were getting ready to go out, she pulled me aside and told me she had to poop so bad but didn’t want to be in the bathroom alone because everyone would know she was pooping."
"She asked me to stay in the bathroom with her while she took a sh*t so it would just seem like we were doing our make up."
"I kid you not, it stank so bad that I’m 100% sure the guy smelled it in the room anyways and we both just looked like weirdos who poo together."- titsout666
But who helped him bury it?
"To 'un bury his boat' no other information was given, I said yes and turns out he thought that burying his boat in one of our cornfields would help protect it over the winter because 'it wouldn’t get snowed on cause it underground'."- EatingH_tlersB_oty
digging spring fever GIFGiphyThe "big cheese" indeed...
To borrow my truck to 'get the cheese'."
"He drives a Tahoe, I have no clue how much cheese he was getting."- Zpitfire_MK_VI
Keep your property off mine!
"Neighbour asked if they could put a dead rat in our bin because they didn't want to put it in theirs."- HungInSarfLondon
An underground operation gone wrong...
"Back in the old days, had a paranoid friend pay me good money to rent out and dupe porn vhs tapes because he didn't want a record of him renting them out."
"His logic: if he ever became famous he didn't want a record of him renting out porn tapes."
"Postscript: he never became famous."- jacklord392
Bizarre as many of these favors are, one will effortfully lower their raised eyebrow and muster up the courage to do it, on the assumption that this friend would do the same for you.
Then too, sometimes getting a bizarre request might actually indicate just how good a friend some people actually are...