Doctors Share The Best Excuses They've Heard From A Patient With Something Stuck Up Their @ss

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How in the World?

What in the world are some of is thinking? Kinky is fine. Kinky is sexy. But there are lines and boundaries. Don't stick crazy things in there if you don't know what you're doing!Thank God for the medical professionals who help us in these sensitive times. And oh the stories they have.

Redditor u/exoticfarquad wanted the docs and medical people out there to share some wild tales... because we need to hear it by asking..... Doctors, what was the best excuse you've heard for someone having something stuck in their @ss?

Why the screwdriver?

Giphy

Had a guy with a screwdriver up there (handle first). He was honest. Said the wife wanted to try something new. Why the screwdriver? Something shaped like a penis would have been gay.

I always thought that was a real weird place to draw that line. TiredMurse

Fallen. 

My friend is a nurse. She told me about a guy who came into her ER. He claimed to have fallen out of a tree and a branch went right up his butt. They x rayed him and he had this perfectly round wooden rod up there. When they removed it they saw that it was sanded, painted and primed. That branch must've come from a genetically modified species of tree lol. zephenrage

"Ok. So, why are you here?"

I've got this one.

Guy comes in, walking, kinda awkwardly.

Doesn't take a seat.

When it's his turn, he's called up to triage and again, refuses to sit.

"What brings you in today?" I said.

"I.. uh.... I've lost a glass. You know, like a tumbler."

/Shuffles

"Ok. So, why are you here?"

"Well, we had a party that got out of hand last night. I was cleaning the house this morning and I noticed one of my drinks glasses was missing. And I think it might be up my butt."

That's it as far as explanation, but sure enough, there it was on x-ray. Rim-side first, so after it disappeared up his asshole, it basically filled itself with crap.

Now, any time people that know the story ask if I've seen something they've lost, I ask if they've checked their anus. Moonbase-gamma

Balls Out....

I am a nurse, a male as well. Guy came to my hospital with a cue ball stuck in his rectum. Said him and his wife were having sex and this happened. Made no excuses and showed no shame. ER doc was unable to remove it with forceps and he had to get anesthesia to have a minor surgical procedure to get it out.

My job was basically to just go through a pre surgical check list and send him on his way. When I'm done he shouts excitedly 'Alright, lets get this ball rolling!' I almost died laughing. It was near the end of my shift and I always wonder what happened to him. I'm sure he did fine and is back to having amazing kinky sex with his wife. steppingrazor1220

Potato... Potatoe...

Giphy

My mom was a nurse and always remembered the guy whose wife was out of town so he was "cooking naked and slipped and fell on a potato." Goobinthenude

Ready or Not! 

Saw someone with a remote control stuck way up in their colon. She said she was "getting herself ready," for anal sex with her boyfriend and then it got stuck. The kicker was that she showed up to the hospital with her boyfriend AND her husband in tow! iamnazgul

"World's Greatest Dad"

A college friend who is an OR nurse said the best thing she ever witnessed was a small snow globe with the message "World's Greatest Dad" on the inside. Harmania

Maybe he dishonored the title of worlds greatest dad and this was somehow seen as the best punishment?

Or someone got confused when he asked about involving daddy kink into their sex life? LJnosywritter

and the bacon?

My ex is a ER nurse. One night she sent me a pic of her computer of what she was working on. 16yo male brought in by his mother. Shoved a sausage up his butt and "lost" it. Imagine the embarrassment of telling mom ... hey mom. I lost a sausage in my butt. Can you take me to the ER. Damn kids. squirrelklan

No Veggies...

Had this elderly guy come in with a cucumber up there. First month of residency, so my attending asks why did you put that up there? Guy, dead normal, says "well it was just like every Tuesday. I woke up, made some coffee, and sat on a cucumber." Stifling laughter my attending just said, "sir you shouldn't do that anymore." He says "ok." We removed it and never saw him again. Neshiv

Peeled....

Giphy

Paramedic, here. Had one guy tell me he slipped on a banana peel and landed on the upright vase on the floor. He then proceeded to produce a banana peel for good measure. ReddyMedic0203

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