Doctors Reveal Which 'Do Not Resuscitate' Patients They Think Would Have Pulled Through
A DNR is a last resort for people who are terminally ill or injured and can no longer expect any quality of life. Although there are a few exceptions to this, end of life conversations are something that all families should have at some point.
YourBestNightmare asked doctors and nurses of Reddit: Was there a "DNR" patient that you knew could have made it? What's the story?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
First, some perspective.
I'm a doctor. I love this question, it's a great place to start. But, I can't answer it the way it's worded.
(DNR = Do Not Resuscitate, just so we're all on the same page)
The real question you have to answer first is this: How are you defining 'made it'? Is that just having a pulse? Breathing without mechanical assistance? Getting your nutrition from a surgically implanted tube? 'Making it' is different for different people.
So, that said, I think you're asking if a DNR order ever stopped us from saving someone that could have walked out of the hospital and lived a 'productive life' for a while longer.
No, I've never seen that happen.
DNR is usually requested by patients that have significant, ultimately terminal conditions. ( Don't confuse DNR with a 'living will', these are not the same thing). These patients have recognized that they've come close to the end of their lives and 'heroic efforts' are, at best, going to prolong their suffering.
It's a huge topic, it deserves much more time than we can give it here.
Also to add to this, there are a good number of times we could "get back" a DNR but the question that gets posed is "how is their quality of life".
Sure 90 year old grandma with cancer could have lived for another 2-3 months but is it going to be that great if we end up breaking all of her ribs to do CPR? If we need an artificial airway do we think she will ever get off or will she need a trache and never eat a solid meal again.
I have worked in the ICU for almost 5 years now and I can honestly say there has never been a case where I said "I wish <patient name> wasn't a DNR" though I can say on the flip side that at least once a weak I mutter to another medical professional "<patient name> really needs to be a DNR"
I've taken to working in variations of the phrase "I can do a lot of things TO your loved ones, but given their overall poor chance for a meaningful recovery, the question is whether I would be doing those things FOR them" into my goals of care discussions. Seems to get at least some people to understand that just because I can artificially extend life using machines for sometimes months at a time, should we actually be doing that.
DNRs are used in extreme situations.
Doctor here.
One important thing to consider is that otherwise healthy people usually don't die and definitely don't have standing DNR orders.
That's usually only a code status you get tagged with if you're terminally ill and/or terminally elderly.
We only assign that designation when the patient, family, or power of attorney agrees, and when the patient has demonstrated a trajectory of illness toward unsurvivability.
Some examples of terminal conditions would be:
widely metastatic cancer refractory to treatments, end stage dementia plus acutely life threatening medical condition, cascading multiple organ system failure. Multiple successive critical care admissions over a short interval of time. Progressive failure to thrive at the end of life despite medical interventions and a potentially terminal event. An unsurvivable traumatic injury such as one that results in brain death or uncontrollable hemorrhage or widespread crush injury. Sudden cardiac death with prolonged hypoxia and anoxia brain injury, A massive acute stroke at an age exceeding recovery potential. Diffusely ischemic bowel beyond rescue confirmed surgically. Organ system failure with refused replacement therapy such as someone with Severe COPD that refuses ventilators support or someone with end stage renal failure that refuses dialysis. Patients already in hospice care.
Patients have a right to natural death without heroic interventions and associated expense to their estate should they so choose.
"Making it" doesn't mean having a quality of life.
I'm an emergency doctor, and DNR means do not resuscitate, the decision to place a patient in palliative care or label them DNR is when they have advance disease that cannot be improved or cured as their illness slowly progress and make their living harder and more painful, good examples are advance cancer , advanced COPD ..etc
You know a patient that could've made it? Probably most of them, but what do you mean by made it? Living under mechanical ventilation for weeks in the ICU and not able to wean them off until they eventually die, or living in severe pain/discomfort until they pass away? That would be the outcome if they were resuscitated,
The decision of DNR is not made on the spot, usually by the primary physician who knows their condition very well and know that there is absolutely no improvement or treatment to their current health condition and they try to make them as comfortable as possible.
Most patients/families that I encountered they understand and accept that they know it is a reasonable decision.
Hard pass.
Cardiac nurse here. Most people I know probably could've made it, but the quality of life would be so low that living would be worse. Hooked to a ventilator, tubes in every hole, immense pain, TBI, brain dead etc. Very rarely do I see someone make it through a code and be at the same quality of life as they were prior.
My dad had his heart stop for less than 10 min. (Complications after surgery for his cancer). After he came back he was never really the same. The doctors helped him live another year and a half but he suffered a lot and his mental state and capacity were diminished. At the time there was no reason to believe he wouldn't make it and live a long life but the cancer ultimately spread and slowly took him.
Do I regret the extra time spent with him? No. However what I do know is that he would have had way less suffering if he never came back from that code.
With a few exceptions, death is often the most humane option.
Yes. Many patients are DNR plus DNI because many times you can't really do CPR in a hospital without also establishing an airway. We had an elderly gentleman in good shape/health in for severe pneumonia. He coughed up so much phlegm that he plugged his own airway. After multiple failed attempts to suction him orally and nasally when he turned gray we turned to the wife and offered to intubate him solely to remove the plug then immediately extubate him. She refused because she wanted to respect his wishes and he was vehemently opposed to being intubated or resuscitated. We watched him die. That's the only one that really sticks with me as being basically completely avoidable.
The truth is that far more patients should be DNRs but aren't than the other way around. Families really need to start discussing end of life care and expectations BEFORE they need to make that decision. Grandma won't live forever. I'm always a little amazed when people are so confused and dumbfounded that their 88 year old grandmother is dying.
Also it's a total myth that we won't work as hard to save you if you're a DNR or we just want your organs.
DNR does NOT mean don't treat. Even palliative care doesn't mean don't treat it just means that treatment options are more limited and the doctors are really looking at benefit vs risk. Comfort care means don't treat, just make them comfortable and let them die naturally.
Not enough families have the "talk."
It's usually the opposite in my experience actually. More often than not I have patients who are full codes, 90+ years old, advanced dementia, multiple co-morbidities, complete failures to thrive etc etc. And rarely do they have a family member who will advocate for them.
There are a handful of hospitalists that can't seem to bring themselves to know when enough's enough. And they always end up with these patients, and before you know it this poor old man or woman has an NG tube that we all know they goddamn well shouldn't be forced to have, and IV antibiotics for the pneumonia they're now drowning in and and and and.
There is nothing that breaks my heart more than when I admit a patient who's 95+ years old with a broken hip.
There's no telling how long someone will last.
Depends on what you mean by "made it". A decent amount of the patients with DNRs who stop breathing and go into cardiac arrest could be resuscitated and placed on a ventilator, but it's hard to say how long they would last, and their quality of life is usually already pretty grim by the time they get DNR paperwork filled out. I've never provided care for an otherwise healthy patient who stopped breathing and who had a DNR on file with the hospital, and finding a patient who fits that criteria is probably like finding a needle in a haystack.
And then there are the anti-medicine religious nuts.
I'm going to answer this question with a slightly skewed (and perhaps biased) answer.
I saw a young patient (20+) who had been in a trauma whose parents refused to allow us to treat him appropriately, basically allowing him to die. He had lost a significant amount of blood and needed to be transfused. His parents were Jehovah Witnesses and refused to allow him to be transfused. He was given so much saline to bring his volume and pressure up, that when you drew blood for chemistry, it looked like cherry cool aid. It was so serious that they were using vials designed for preemies instead of adults for blood draws. He died of a heart attack because he couldn't oxygenate anymore.
I find it hard to believe that was legal for his parents to make that decision. I know if he were a minor, it would've definitely been illegal, emergency care would've been provided, and it could've been pushed up the ethics chain if the parents strongly disagreed.
Medical staff have to respect a patient and family's wishes, especially religious. This sort of thing happens less and less as there are new alternatives to maintaining life without using blood products but it absolutely happens and is ethical.
You're right. If it had been a minor, this would have been quickly taken in front of a judge to appoint a guardian ad litem. In this instance, the parents of this adult can always say that these were his wishes too, at which point our hands are tied.
This is precisely a case why you need to appoint someone you trust as a medical POA, someone who will respect your wishes even though it may conflict with their own personal beliefs.
(As a side note, this was 20+ years ago and technology has improved)
Those who sign DNRs don't plan on coming back.
As others have said, but maybe I can put it more succinctly, people who are DNRs are not strong, healthy people. Sure, you might be able to revive them for some time, but their quality of life would be abysmal, which is why they chose to be a DNR: they don't want to live with tubes coming out of every hole, artificially keeping them alive.
So can a healthy person request DNR just to be an assh*le?
To be an assh*le to themselves? No skin off my nose if someone healthy wants to be a DNR. I'm not here to judge. It's their life.
This is pretty cool.
My sister was a foster child and the state tried to place a DNR on her due to a seizure disorder that hospitalized her many times. My parents fought them to have it removed. She had a hemispherectomy at age two, learned how to use her body all over again and is now living a very productive life for someone with half of a brain.
I've heard enough of these stories that I push back on the QOL judgement in healthcare. While they're working off a great breadth of info, it's not perfect. Hell, they discovered a woman with no cerebellum that could walk. She was described as "a little unsteady."
The internet is so fascinating.
And messy.
Thanks to YouTube and TikTok, so many hours can be spent lost in the world of video.
You pick a simple topic or name to check, and then it's tomorrow... and you've binged every army family reunion story.
And so much time to waste, depending on your keystroke choices.
Redditor imboredaa wanted to discuss all the ways so many of us get lost watching things on the internet, so they asked:
"What are some of the craziest/strangest rabbit holes you’ve ever been down?"
I constantly get lost on talent show audition rabbit holes.
And I am proud!
Restored
"YouTube videos of old chainsaw restorations. No idea why, but I guess that’s why it’s a rabbit hole. I don’t even own a chainsaw or have a need for one."
aretelio
'rooms/shared'
"I really enjoy going on a city’s Craigslist, then to 'rooms/shared' (or whatever it is for finding a room mate) and then typing words like 'warning' or 'beware' in the search to see what kind of horror show nightmare room mate scenarios people have decided to write about... it's usually some juicy headline like 'warning!!!'"
"Do NOT rent from this woman!!!! She is a PSYCHO!!….'"
"And after reading it, it’s always a guess to decide who is the actual crazy person, the landlord or tenant. Could be a bitter ex, tenant, or a scam, or whatever. But it’s an easy way to dive quick into some weird corners of the internet that are filled with drama."
After the Ice
"I spent a bunch of time about 12 years or so ago reading about all the details of the Titanic, how it sunk, what happened as it was sinking, who died, who survived. I got into the life stories of the people who died, and what became of the people who survived. And then I very nearly bought a piece of carpet from the Titanic."
SweetCosmicPope
Expeditions
"Andrée's Arctic balloon expedition"
"Dumb, then numb, a** thought he could fly a balloon to the North Pole. They had cyanide capsules and all, in case they crashed and were about to freeze to death. Or get eaten by a polar bear during a three month night. He and his assistants somehow managed to do both."
"Plot twist: Andree, the worst captain of all time, noticed the balloon was leaking the night before they were about to leave, pumped it up a bit, and said 'f**k it that'll do.' It did not do."
Needydadthrowaway
Thanks John
"An Uncle John's Bathroom Reader. Started with 1 and ended up with a 20+ collection."
originalsanitizer
"Uncle John's Bathroom Readers are so addictive."
evanman69
Toilet time can be knowledge time.
Living Sky High
"Turning old planes into houses! About 10 years ago I found a company that would do it for you. The wings were decks and the plane was mounted to a pedestal that allowed it to be rotate with the sun!"
BeeEyeAm
Doggerland
"Mega tsunamis. Thousand foot walls of water moving at hundreds of mph? It happens more than you would think. The Azore-Gibraltar fault will cause one one day. There evidence they happened a few times in the Pacific. It doesn't take a meteor to happen, it could be an underwater landslide (Doggerland), or a large section of a volcanic island shearing off and falling into the ocean (Oahu). Doggerland is another rabbit hole that is worth googling."
KD_Burner_Account133
Hitting the Keys
"Mechanical keyboards. I wanted to buy one, so I started researching and watching videos of reviews. I went deeper and deeper, seeing special cables, obscure companies, the tons of switches, etc etc."
"I stopped when a Youtuber I watched made a video asking her viewers and discord users to stop bullying and harassing her for using some kind of switches or keycaps. I bought my keyboard and never went back to that crazy fandom."
NirvanaForce
In the Sky
"I worked in administration at an aviation academy for a few years and decided I’d start listening to aviation podcasts since I didn’t know much about it. I came across a plane crash podcast that talks about crashes in history and how it improved the safety of flying."
"I was fascinated by it, and found myself gradually needing to know more and listening to more of the same type of podcasts, watching videos, and listening to black box recordings. It was eerie but interesting at the time. Now, I regret it tremendously because since then I’ve developed horrible anxiety when flying."
contagiousphrase
The Big Questions
"Spent a lot of time in the 'quantum consciousness' rabbit hole. I had just deconstructed from religion and wanted answers about life, death, and reality. It was long before I made peace with not knowing. I spent around a year obsessed with quantum experiments, psychedelics, and the general philosophy of consciousness."
excusetheblood
Lives (and chores) can be put on serious hold when you find a juicy enough topic to research!
Well, what rabbit holes have you gotten lost in? Let us know in the comments below.
CW: Graphic imagery and accidents.
No one leaves this life without scars.
We witness so many awful things on a daily basis.
How could we not be followed by it all?
Messed up things are just part of the deal of living I guess.
One minute you're walking along on a bright sunny day, then boom, you're a witness to a murder.
Or some such craziness.
That's why I stay home a lot.
Redditor Who_Did_You_Expect1 wanted to hear about the things from our memories that still haunt our nightmares, so they asked:
"What's the most f--ked up thing you saw that still haunts you to this day?"
Living through peril is unimaginable. I've been luckier than most.
Tragic
"I watched cancer kill my baby brother. He was in grade school when I was in college. 25 years, and I still see it in my dreams."
TheDigitalRanger
Ay Dios mio, Dios mio!
"When I was about 8, my sister and I were walking with my mom to a bus stop to see my grandma in Mexico city. There was a lady on a bike crossing the intersection that we had just crossed ourselves but she didn't stop in time to the next one and didn't look both ways, she didn't have time to stop her bike. All I remember is the lady making the beginning of a scream as a white old muscle car ran over her (bike and all) at a high speed."
" remember the sound it made as it broke everywhere. My mother took her sweater off as she screamed and covered both my sister's and my head from looking, but it was too late. I remember looking at my sister with tears in her eyes, and I was too shocked to react or comprehend what I had just seen happened. A lot of people immediately surrounded the place, and the driver came out of his car and held his head with his hands after seeing the lady on the pavement."
"I didn't look at the lady anymore. I remember hearing people screaming in shock. My mother told my dad later as she cried. I remember hearing her wake up screaming for weeks after this saying: ay Dios mio, Dios mio! Still makes my heart race when I think about it."
amahied
I Quit
"I was a news photographer for a while in the 90’s. I got called out to an accident. A high school girl ran into the back of a semi. As I was shooting, I noticed her wallet was on the ground. It had a plastic picture holder and the wind was flipping back and forth. I saw her prom pictures and shots of her with her family."
"I quit being a news photographer shortly after. I never forgot that day, and it still haunts me."
No_Confusion4720
Images
"I saw the aftermath rather than the actual event. A woman was walking home from the grocery store late at night. She crossed the road without using the crosswalks and got hit by an SUV. The two images cemented in my mind are of her, embedded in the windshield, and the driver of the car standing a little ways down the street vomiting. I've never seen someone look so utterly broken as the way the driver looked. I can't imagine what he was going through."
GrowlyBear2
Everyday
"When I was 16 I was in a car wreck with my best friend since 3rd grade. I pulled him from the car with a broken shoulder while he was bloody, lifeless, limp. He died within the hour, not long after the ambulance got us. It’s been 18 years and I still think about it every single day."
oil_can_guster
I couldn't imagine living with that.
I also couldn't move...
"Coming to after getting hit by a vehicle as a pedestrian. Was face down, all I could see was blood soaked road and thought 'f**k, that doesn't look good.' I also couldn't move. The last thing I remember seeing before that was the grill of the vehicle. I still get jumpy when I catch a vehicles grill out of the corner of my eye and I'm not expecting it to be there."
"I'd seen a lot of accidents prior to that, but something about it being my own blood hit different."
"And yes, I had the right of way and was crossing in the proper place, at the proper time. Driver plain a** wasn't paying attention. It was daylight to boot, so no reason they couldn't see me."
Sweet_Force1478
Bad Dreams
"I was volunteering with my k9 working with NYC emergency services and chief Patell during 911 WTC attacks. We were in the middle of where the twin towers used to stand The thick gray dust, horrible smell of burnt things and dead people was all around but when the dogs started to find bodies and body parts it really freaked me out and I will forever live with this reality that seems like a bad dream."
DjCanicus
Missing
"A family of four that had burned in a plane crash. I used to do a woodland search and rescue, and we saw a lot of wild crap, but I still have dreams about what I saw when we went to look for a missing plane."
JalenTargaryen
Goodness life is dark sometimes.
Do you have any similar experiences? Let us know in the comments below.
Let's just be honest: the dating scene can be rough, especially when you're not sure if that person likes you back or not.
Some people, however, are very comfortable with their dating histories and believe there's a certain "cheat code" to confirming if someone is interested.
But for those of us who have always been bad at flirting and consider ourselves "oblivious" to other people's advances and compliments, maybe there could be some hope for us after all with these tips.
Redditor Independent_Slide932 asked:
"What are signs that there's sexual tension between you and someone?"
Their Undivided Attention
"It's serious eye contact for me, like when they would rather admire you than look anywhere else. It just makes it so obvious."
- GoGoHesHere
Butterflies
"For me, it's not just the eye contact itself, but when the eye contact is made, the two of you are in your own little world. There’s communication happening in that eye contact that you aren’t having with other people."
- la_metisse
The Thrill of the 'Chase'
"To answer the actual question OP asked, it’s finding reasons for eye contact."
"It’s 'accidentally' making physical contact. It’s always ending up sitting next to each other in a group."
"It’s a tingly tight feeling in your guts."
"It’s a beautiful pain to experience. It’s almost more fun than actually 'getting' the other person."
- AllAfterIncinerators
Literal Physical Attraction
"Angling. Always feeling like your center of gravity is shifting towards them."
- thelibrariangirl
Interested or Not?
"There's a regular who comes into my work who makes serious serious 'seductive' eye contact with me and has a smile that looks flirty."
"But he's also hot as f**k. He's just incredibly attractive. So like, just because it's making me turn to jelly doesn't mean it's anything other than just being friendly and having a regular smile to him."
- MangoMambo
It is, Indeed, ...Tense
"It's that awkward, 'I want to f**k this person, and I'm pretty sure this person wants to f**k me, but I'm not sure enough about it to actually make a move.'"
"That's sexual tension."
- Grueaux
Sounds Awkward
"It can manifest in a lot of ways. Usually, sexual tension develops when two people are attracted to somewhat attracted to each other. The funny part is, sometimes they aren't even fully conscious of it, or want to acknowledge it."
"That is where the tension lies. There is a reason why both are not participating in healthily acknowledging attraction for each other. It can look like tense awkwardness, constant fighting, overt flirtatiousness without any progression, and even consciously ignoring/avoiding the other person."
- EimiCiel
Silent Communication
"It's a shared gaze that at once leaves you both relaxed and on edge. It's like being old friends with a stranger."
"It's like an inside joke that isn't funny, it's sexy. I mean, it could be funny or sexy, but you see what I mean, it's a common understanding."
"It's like, 'You've got a secret, and I know it, and I've got a secret, and you know it, and the secret is the same thing, and we both know it, and it's so f**king delicious that we both know that without discussing it. The secret is nothing and everything, it's the knowing and sharing and the edging that is wonderful."
"It is something that is involuntary, but also once you've experienced it (enough), you can put yourself in that mode, make eye contact with a sexy stranger, and they may respond positively. It won't be as good as spontaneous mutual attraction, but you can put the signals out, 'Hey, I dig you, are you interested?'"
"Some people that you have that intense mutual attraction for aren't the right one(s) for you, except that they are the right ones to practice making that connection with. The person who is perfect for you might be someone who grows into the right emotional responses... and that's true of you, for them, as well."
"And lastly, you can choose to ignore both the mutual and asserted versions; the right relationship choices are both an emotional and intellectual decision, don't rely on one exclusively."
- im_dead_sirius
A List of Obvious Signals
"Reading signals is tough, I’m glad I don’t have to date these days."
"But some legit signals I’ve learned, in no particular order:"
"Prolonged or suggestive eye contact."
"Body positioning mirrors yours or stands closer than typical in your culture."
"Playing with hair when you interact."
"Light unconscious brushing up against or touching."
"If seated, leaning forward towards you frequently and/or touching you hand in a friendly way."
"Flushed or light blushing when they interact with you but not others."
"Suggestive teasing."
"Excessive awkwardness that isn’t the case with them around other people. Especially if they straight up start babbling like a loon."
"Awkward silences you could cut with a knife but they still keep seeking you out."
- AndrogynousRain
When Someone Gets It Wrong
"It’s hard to explain. Basically, it’s a nervous, delicious breathless feeling when they are close to you. You both go out of your way to stand just a little bit closer to each other."
"The sad thing is, some people think they 'feel' this with someone just because the other person is being friendly and misread signals. I once had a guy insist that we had sexual tension simply because I twisted my hair."
"He told me that twisting my hair was a 'mating signal.'"
"I told him that I had been twisting my hair has been a nervous habit of mine since I was a toddler, but of course, he wanted to believe I was interested and insisted that I must secretly want him."
- Joygernaut
Obvious to Other People First
"When other people pick up on it."
- The_She_Ghost
Responding to Looks
"When they suddenly look and hold eye contact and then look away. (Low)"
"When they look and notice you're looking then they run their hand through their hair. (Medium)"
"When they notice you looking and suddenly gently bite their lip looking away. (High)"
"When they notice you’re looking and do something to draw attention to their body either stretch and reveal skin or adjust an intimate part of their clothing. (Extreme)"
"Each of the above will make you get butterflies as you know that she knows AND that she knows that you know."
- DragonofDojima_
Trying to Keep the Conversation Going
"When there's a lull in the conversation, and eye contact is maintained while you both are trying to figure out what to say next."
- djpack
Looking But Not Looking
"Catching glances, by either party. The kind where they’re looking at you and don’t think you’ll look up or at them. Then suddenly the ceiling is really interesting to them when you make eye contact."
- HuxEffect
The Classic Note Trick
"When they hand you a piece of paper that says:"
"'Do you think that there is sexual tension between us?'"
"'[ ] Yes or [ ] No'"
- xaradevir
While we'd all love for the dating scene and general flirting to be straight-forward, simple, and stress-free, this thread serves as a reminder that it comes easily for some while being a puzzle for others.
At the end of the day, if you're interested in someone, the easiest thing to do, though it's terrifying, might be to ask them.
Anyone with any amount of dating experience knows at least a few things that they love in a relationship and a few things they find unsavory.
Just like discovering our boundaries and what qualifies as a relationship deal breaker, most of us generally have a few rules that we tend to live by in every relationship, whether it's romantic, platonic, or professional.
Curious to learn some rules to live by, Redditor aytmamatov_musa asked:
"What relationship rule have you memorized forever?"
Actions Speak Louder than Words
"I can't remember the exact wording, but something to the effect of: Pay more attention to how invested your partner is in the relationship, not how much they say they are."
- why_im_single
Know Who Holds the Power
"I remember when I first realized that the person who has the most control in a relationship (especially ending it) is the person that cares about the relationship the least."
"When I thought of all the relationships that I had been in (not just sexual) and how one person decided sometimes months ahead of time that the relationship was over, I remember how oblivious the other person was when it ended."
"By the way, this can also be applied to employment relationships as well."
- Mo_Jack
Don't Fight for Someone's Attention
"If someone does not want to hear you, there is no way you can phrase anything to make them listen."
"This applies to all types of relationships, but I learned it from trying so hard to have a healthy relationship with my mother. Then when I left at 25, she responded by filing a missing person's report, hiring a PI (Personal Investigator), harassing my friends, and hacking my email and bank accounts to monitor my activity."
"This also ties into: abusers see you taking away their ability to abuse you, as an egregious theft of their rightful property."
- CurrentSingleStatus
Be a United Front
"Problems aren’t You vs Me. They’re Us vs The Problem."
- FilecakeAbroad
No Codependent Relationships Here
"You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped."
- Diesel07012012
Be Honest About Your Feelings
"Listen to how you describe your partner to friends, or how you think at the moment how you're describing your partner to them. That will tell you a lot about how you feel about them."
"If you're nervous about introducing them, listen to why. If you're apologizing for their actions, pausing to reframe positive ways to speak about them, or ignoring the red flags, then listen to that instinct. If you're constantly talking about the problems or hiding them, pay attention to why."
"I remember being in one relationship and having those feelings of, 'Should I introduce her to the family, when I talk to others about her, I'm exhausted from some argument, etc.'"
"I remember another relationship, thinking, 'Oh, I would love her to meet the family, she'd get along with everyone's kids, my friends would love her, I just had this great moment with her, and I wanted to tell people about it, I enjoy talking about her.'"
"When you experience that difference (and you have the wisdom and experience to know you're not being deluded by things like abuse or newness or getting caught up in a big fire that's going to burn out fast), it tells you so much."
- ConvenienceStoreDiet
Be Mindful of Reciprocation
"Something a friend of mine once told me was, 'Always ask yourself if this relationship isn't taking more from you than it is giving you.'"
"It saved me a lot of heartbreak."
- Interferonno2fan
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
"If they don’t respect your boundaries while dating, they won’t respect them in marriage."
- Rachel1578
Cheaters Gonna Cheat
"My best mate got with a woman who cheated on her then-boyfriend to be with him. Then my mate and she stayed together for four years, but she ended up cheating on him with another guy that she is now dating."
"I warned him in the beginning and advised him not to get into a relationship with her to start with. If she can do it with one guy, she can do it with another."
"His argument was that her then-boyfriend was not good enough for her which was why she is cheating on him. But what he failed to realize was that no one is the best in the world, and if she decides that he isn’t good enough for her in the future, then she will cheat on him too. And that is exactly what happened."
- dp9116
Acknowledge Red Flags
"Red flags look like normal flags when wearing rose-colored glasses."
- Mezame_Drgn
Common Interests Aren't Everything
"Having a lot in common doesn’t equal a good relationship. It’s just a decent starting foundation."
- ironicallyunstable
Don't Go to Bedroom Angry - Or Do?
"I wouldn't say forever, yet, but since becoming a wife, I have learned that it's okay to sleep off a fight. Don't have to 'resolve' everything right then and there. Give each other space to let steam off and talk in the morning."
- beanedjibe
Be Loved for Who You Are
"Do not change your personality if you don't want to... I didn't realize until the breakup, that my ex did not like me, just the idea of what I could be..."
- Bethedr
Know the Difference
"When an argument comes out of nowhere, ask 'Are you yelling at me, or to me?'"
"It's helped with a lot of arguments. Sometimes we just need a backboard to scream at, and nine out of ten times, that backboard is your significant other."
"A lot of arguments get bad just because they don't know you are releasing anger, which is healthy in the right way."
- spenser1994
Some of these seem pretty simple, but they can make a huge impact in a relationship, if not also to the trajectory and health of a person's life. By understanding our own worth and how it's valued by others, we gave give ourselves a much happier ever after than we might have otherwise settled for.