JOIN
OUR EMAIL LIST!
Image by Ulrike Mai from Pixabay

Look back far enough in your ancestry, and you're liable to find something dark.


But for some Redditors who posted in a recent thread, the dark secrets didn't require much digging to find. In fact, the perpetrators--or victims, as some of the stories showed--are still alive today, complete with sealed lips and awkward family gatherings.

Bloodshed, adultery, and societal shunning were common themes ringing through many of the secrets shared under the cover of internet anonymity.

A look at some of the best posts may leave you feeling like sensational movies and novels aren't actually so far off from how this stuff really goes down.

Al-Anka asked, "What is your darkest family secret?"

A Key Detail Comes to Light 

"My grandfather was killed in a bar when my father was still a toddler. The official story was that he was murdered over a pinball game (back then pinball was pretty serious, I guess)."

"It wasn't until recently my grandmother confessed, on her death bed, that my grandfather actually killed someone and buried the body, days before his own demise. So he was actually killed in retaliation for a murder that he committed."

"My grandmother kept this secret for almost 65 years."

-- itsovermyhead

For One Person, An Impossible Secret to Keep

"It's me. My dad never told his family I existed. I was shameful, maybe he was more ashamed."

"After he died they found out about me and kindly asked me not to come to the funeral. I get why he never told them."

-- ninetiesluddite

Nepotism With an Extra Red Flag 

"My dad gave a job to a cousin. I remember as a kid that this cousin I'd never heard of just suddenly popped up out of nowhere without explanation but I was a kid so didn't really think of it, but everyone made a big deal out of how great it was for my dad to give him a job."

"I found out 20 years later that the cousin had been in prison for having a relationship with a student."

-- dj_baberahamlincoln

Some Stones Are Better Left Un-Turned

"A year or two after her adoptive mother died, my mom went looking for information about her birth parents, and found that her birth mom and her husband had been gruesomely murdered by a drug cartel."

"There was an article about their murder in Rolling Stone magazine that had gory pictures of their bodies."

-- hemulaformis

She Lived to Tell

"My cousin, once removed (my parent's cousin) was kidnapped and tortured by a serial killer. She was (after many days) dropped off near a running path with her neck slit."

"She lived (unlike the other 3) and she could lead the police to his home. He is still in prison."

"As a child I heard whispering of it and didn't find out the whole truth until I was older."

-- instrangestofplaces

Capitalizing On Your Resources

"I had an uncle who moved far away, worked in a boiler room at a huge casino, decades ago. He was always sketchy, and he had way more money than a simple boiler room employee ought to have had."

"Rumours that the boiler room was a really useful thing for the mob, due to boilers doubling as incinerators for certain purposes. Hence the money. Many unanswered questions there."

-- UtopiaForest

Sounds Like Classic 1930s Stuff

"My great grandfather shot and killed a man in his grocery store back in the 30s over a poker game."

"He ran a speak easy out of the back of his store and lost almost $2k so as the guy was walking out the front after the store closed he shot him and got away with it by telling the police the man robbed him."

"It wasn't until he was on his death bed he told my grandfather what had happened."

-- CowMajorAU

Based On True Events 

"In the film Driving Miss Daisy, when the chauffeur (played by Morgan Freeman) is driving Miss Daisy to worship service, they get stuck in a traffic jam. He gets out to see what the hold-up is."

"When he gets back in, he says 'you won't be going to service today, somebody done bombed the temple.' (Hebrew Benevolent Congregation Temple, Atlanta, 1958)."

"She says 'What - who would do such a thing?'"

"My uncle, that's who."

-- Igotthesilver

Cool as Cucumbers

"Father won the lottery and we've been pretending to be poor so our family doesn't try to ask for money." -- holyydiver32

"Safest bet. Family turn at even the chance of running someone else into the ground for money. Your father is a clever man" -- Pudgeysaurus

"That's a solid strategy especially with family who believe that NO is a suggestion and not a statement." -- Goinghame

An Unfortunate Thing To Fear 

"One family member killed another by leaving a bag of poisoned donuts on the front steps. We are now 'hesitant' about accepting donuts." -- grouchycyborg

"Where do you live with such frivolous donut dispersion?" -- Sigg3net

"I'm just imaging your whole family being sceptical about ever being offered a donut and it has made me chuckle. Sorry for your loss tho." -- MonsterMunch86

Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.

We're all well aware of the weird, horrible, predatory things men do when attracted to women. But what about when women are the culprits?

Keep reading... Show less

We've all heard how parenting is a full-time job. So it's not surprising to learn that parents have discovered plenty of quirks and methods to make things just a little bit more efficient during that eternal slog.

Keep reading... Show less
Image by salmerf from Pixabay

Stupid is as stupid does. And it’s pretty obvious when some poor, misinformed, potentially ignorant soul needs to be put in their place. Luckily, there are a lot of witty ways to do just that. We love a good euphemism.

Wanna know the best way to call out stupidity when you see it? Stay tuned.

U/lientubay asked: What's the best euphemism for telling people that they're stupid?

​Get a load of these sick burns. I swear, the people of Reddit are harsh.

Call outs are a universal language.

In Russian we have "intelligent thoughts have always followed him, but he was faster".

Humphr1es

We have something similar in German: "Intelligence is chasing you, but you are faster."

Tatsukishi

Be your own Easter Bunny.​

Looney Tunes Cartoon GIF Giphy

You could hide your own Easter eggs.

Bdiz78

The great Harvey Korman had some Alzheimer's @ 2005, and he still went on a talk show. They asked him how he was doing and he said he was OK. "Now I can hide my own Easter eggs." RIP.

Gas-Blaster

That’s cold.​

“At this point, you can only impress me."

Roman_Suicide_Note

This reminds me of something I saw in a show recently. One character said "Would you think less of me if ____." The other character said "I could never think less of you."

Catty_wampus

​I lol’d.

I think I saw this one here previously "You aren't the biggest idiot in the world but you better hope they don't die".

Soalindie

Once told this to my brother, his immediate response was "hey, please don't die".

Srakrn

It takes a very intelligent person to properly call out a dumb person. Weird how that works, huh?​

When the bears are smarter than the tourists.​

GIF by Smokey Bear Giphy

Now I know what Douglas Adams was talking about.

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

BerenTheBold

As the park rangers in Yellowstone say- making a bear-proof trash can is very difficult due to the considerable overlap between the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists.

Lahmmom

​That’s a gross mental image.

In Greece we say "when it was raining brains, you had an umbrella".

GSavvage

In German we ask God for help. "God, let there be raining brains" this sounds so weird but idk how to express it better lol.

Edit: In German it's "Gott, lass Hirn regnen".

Foxpawdot

It’s probably a bad sign when your lawyer calls you dumb.

Lawyer to client who shared detailed attorney-client privileged strategy memorandum with a whole bunch of people, including an adverse party:

Client: "Is there anything you can do to fix this?"

Attorney: "No, you've pretty much waived the privilege and now they know everything."

Client: "Is there anyway to put a positive spin on this?"

Attorney: "Well, I suppose the judge might buy that this proves that you lack the mental capacity to form specific intent."

Malibulobo

These next ones are just plain cold, but probably very much deserved.​

Meanness from a Canadian is probably well-earned.

eric cartman GIF by South Park Giphy

On a Canadian jobsite

Ahh Terry, having you around is like losing three good men.

StrykerSeven

Oof, that’s harsh.

He's so far behind he thinks he's first.

Perstn

I had a keychain as a kid that said, "She who laughs last thinks slowest.”

KatieSedai

Those are some gross socks.

Once heard someone say "Well he's about as sharp as a sock full of soup".

Angrypunishment

"Sharp as a marshmallow" was one that went around my friend circle.

Rubywolf27

In the words of the great prophets Smash Mouth, “I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed”. That self-burn is perhaps one of the most classic euphemisms. And I just almost misspelled “euphemism”. So I can definitely relate to that lyric.

A good way to exercise your brain? Keep thinking of creative ways to insult people. Trust me, it works like a charm

Image by 1388843 from Pixabay

It's a plague many of us would rather not admit occurs on a daily basis.

Keep reading... Show less