Dispatchers Share Their Funniest 'You Don't Actually Call 911 For This' Stories


Calling 911 can be one of the most stressful moments of your life, when you actually need it that is. Hearing a commotion outside, the sounds of someone trying to break in, or reporting a car accident can be tense. Thankfully, the dispatchers on the line have been trained to remain calm while they talk you through the situation. However, the call isn't always as serious as their training requires.

Reddit user, u/shanenowak, wanted to know:

Police dispatchers of Reddit, What are some of your best "You don't call 911 for this..." calls?

Definitely Call The CIA Over This


Just had a woman call saying she was having trouble breathing and she had chest pressure. Asked what was causing it and she said, as serious as can be "the CIA." At the end of the call she asked, in her most concerned tone, "[Is] Justin Timberlake alright?"


Never mind JT, is she alright?


The CIA said she was fine and we have no reason to doubt that.


It's A Hair Emergency!

I've told this one before. A haircut. She was mad at thee stylist for what she considered a bad haircut.

I told her this was a civil matter and not an emergency


A Ballsy Way To Ask For A Job

"I was wondering if you guys are taking applications"


You Need To Get To Them Before They Go Bad!

Former campus emergency services dispatcher - had someone keep calling because they left their avocados in a locked building and wanted our emergency team to let them in


Ratting Yourself Out

I used to be a dispatcher about 15 years ago. I had a few calls that we all got a good laugh about.

One woman saw a crazy looking spider and wanted us to call the zoo to come pick it up.

We just had a hurricane and the lines were super busy. Someone who had evacuated called the non- emergency line to get a weather report.

My favorite was the guy who called because his female sex worker (which was illegal!) turned out to be a guy. He wanted a partial refund because some services were rendered but not everything he paid for was possible.


Those That Actually Serve Are Front And Center For The Weird

EMT here, not a dispatcher, but I've been called out for:


Ride to a hospital so that he can get a free taxi ride to his car

Curtains smelled weird

Didn't want to stand up (could stand up just fine) but needed to put oxygen on

Fell asleep with a rubber band on their wrist

And my personal favorite: penis is shrinking and "going to disappear"


That Goose Sounds Like A Jerk

Cop here, I've been on a few ridiculous runs that should have been filtered out before they got to me, including;

A goose that was "stuck" on the caller's roof. (The goose flew away prior to my arrival)

A man called to report that his wife had tripped on a raised slab of concrete on the sidewalk and insisted that someone be held responsible

A turtle was blocking traffic at a major intersection, which is a legitimate call. However, while en route, dispatch told me the turtle had removed itself from the intersection, but I still needed to respond because the caller was now following the turtle through people's yards


It Won't. Stop. Coming!

ER here - reasons why someone came by ambulance:

Explosive diarrhea and didn't want to ruin their new car.

Stubbed pinky toe. [Serious!]


1 wart.

Several that saw blood (no matter how small) and frantically called. This went along with the above stubbed toe.

Food poisoning - never heard someone fart so much before and he was mortified. Nice guy.

And always my favorite, needed a ride.


Here's A Quick List

Someone called while in traffic, asking why there is traffic (it was rush hour on a weekday)

Their power went out.

A city counsel member called 911 because there was a dog in his yard.

A man lived in an apartment complex and would always call 911 because his above neighbors were "walking loudly out of spite".

A car they didn't recognize was at their neighbors house.


Being Racists Without Actually Being Racist


"There's a guy driving a Ford Escort around and this isn't an Escort kind of neighborhood."

"There's a Mexican guy walking around without one of those backpack things on...you know...the things that blow the leaves." (Plot twist was that he was Honduran if I remember correctly...but they all look the same...amirite?)

I always love how people whisper when they say racist things. "THERE'S A MAD MAN OUTSIDE MY DOOR...HE'S TRYING TO SELL ME MAGAZINES...I THINK HE'S A TERRORIST...i think he's black....WEARING A BLUE SHIRT...."

It's ok ma'am...he knows he's black...we'll get right on it. Job has made me hate people.


Do you have something to confess to George? Text "Secrets" or "🤐" to +1 (310) 299-9390 to talk him about it.

You May Also Like
Hi friend— subscribe to my mailing list to get inbox updates of news, funnies, and sweepstakes.
—George Takei