Dating Experts Share Tips For Avoiding Common Pitfalls Early In A Relationship
Every relationship teaches us a lesson - even if that lesson is that you suck at picking people to be in a relationship with. Ideally, we'd take these lessons with us as we move on into new ones. But if you guys are anything like me you've probably forgotten to do that a time or two.
No worries! One Reddit user asked:
What common mistakes do people make early on in a relationship that causes issues further down the line?
And yeah we're pretty much going to print these all out and tape them around our crib for reminders.
Find Your Happy
Don't be with someone that makes you unhappy. Good friend of mine got out of a 15 year relationship (10 years of it being marriage) at 51. 3 years later he gathered new hobbies, opened himself up to more social events, made more friends, got a better job, and is very happy with a lady for a year now. We have one shot on life, don't trudge along with someone.
It is really important to be yourself, otherwise you'll be acting your whole life whenever you're near your partner.
There's a difference between improving yourself and living a lie, though. I feel like a healthy relationship is one where you do improve yourself. But only because you want to and the person you're with is someone that you can learn from and that can help you achieve those goals. I want to be a better person for my girlfriend because I respect her and want her to have the best possible me that I can be. And she feels the same way toward me. But we've always been ourselves with each other.
Not talking about things. Don't hold that sh!t in - the one you can be open and honest with (that doesn't run) is the one for you.
This would be my #1 piece of advice.
Nobody breaks up over dirty dishes, or shoes laying around the house, or overspending. These are all stress moments that have been building momentum over the course of weeks or years. When you decide to avoid talking about things that hurt you or made you feel unloved or disrespected, you're building a bomb. It will explode one day and it will be terrible.
Commit to being respectfully honest with each other from the start. Learn how to hear uncomfortable things without getting defensive. Listen to each other. You'll build great habits and soon all the uncomfortable moments will be quick and easy, relatively speaking.
Lying about dealbreakers early on because they want the relationship to work and hope the other party will change their mind.
- S/He says they do not want children, or that they absolutely want 3+ kids. You disagree but hope to change their mind.
- S/He says they are deeply ir/religious and intend to live a lifestyle consistent with that, including with the rearing of their children in accordance with said religion/lack of religion. You do not share these beliefs and think they will or can be swayed to eventually chill out and tone it down a bit.
- S/He was raised in a manner that women are the house keepers and stay-at home caretaker/wives/mothers, meanwhile you are more modern and expect a more equal household both in chores and providing income for the household.
- S/He is deeply dedicated to their job or a goal (like traveling the world) and wants you to do these things with them when you would rather stay settled down and not (or vice versus).
You should not lie about who you are, what's important to you, or your life goals and ambitions, nor should you expect that your partner will change those same things about themselves. If you do and you compromise on those things or expect them to compromise on those things at best you might find yourselves resentful of each other, or worse, getting a divorce after years of dating and marriage over something that cannot be compromised (e.g. children).
Discuss their relationship problems with others rather than with each other.
There's nothing wrong with sharing your problems or venting. Sometimes it's great to get a different perspective but if you're looking to save the relationship always go back to discussing things with your partner instead.
If you think he/she isn't good enough for you just end it don't ask for anyone's approval, end it mutually on a good note and wish your partner good luck.
Infatuation. I actually struggle with this, and it's a pain to manage. Basically putting that person on a pedestal will lead to really bad things overtime. It sets oneself up for manipulation, disappointment, and unhappiness.
If you put your partner on a pedestal, you are forcing them to look down on you.
Don't Ignore The Facts
When we first met I ignored the fact that she was super family oriented and wanted a simple life and for me to work a 9-5 and to move to her hometown.
She ignored that I wanted to keep working as a traveling musician and other artistic gigs. Which put me on the road away from her 1-2 weeks once a month or sometimes more. I was also a part-time bartender only because it paid so well.
She told me what she wanted, I told her what I wanted, and then we pretty much ignored, blamed and resented each other for not compromising enough. Distance grew, hostilities, fighting, frustration, confusion. We went over a year without any intimacy. Affairs happened. When we tried to reconcile she said she changed from the person she was when we met and wanted me to change, too.
It was clear we had basically gotten married and immediately began moving in different directions. We really thought love was enough and that would solve all our problems. It doesn't work like that. We were naive as hell. I'm 35, she's 29. We should've plotted out what we wanted in life and made 100% sure the other was on board, and if not, we should've separated.
But, now we have a beautiful child. I'm even at her house right now and our divorce was finalized just last week. Still very close, just need different things the other can't offer. It is sad, for our child. But we're committed parents. It's just always better to communicate exactly what you want your life to look like, and agree on it.
Idealization And Reality
So this is going to be purely from personal experince but it is something I am working on with my therapist as it has been something ive done in two of my relationships that ended up hurting me in the end.
There needs to be a difference and a defining line of your idealization of the relationship or person in question, and the reality of it. Let me explain.
I see this girl and ive been trying to date her for seven years. Over the course of that time, even though I got romantically involved with other people, I created this idea of her in my head that she is beyond reproach and just a perfect fit. When we finally get together, I go overboard with her and we get too serious too fast. Of course getting so many emotions off of someone is heavy, and when she needs some "me time" I start freaking out thinking I've done something to royally f*** up and start having negative thoughts about myself. I put her on a pedestal and now I think im not worthy of being with her and get insecure. This all leads to a negative and dark trail of thoughts and you end up destroying the relationship before the good part even began and you just re-affirm yourself that you weren't "good enough" for her in the first place. Rinse repeat.
Just be proud of who you are, be calm and loving and realize that someone chose to be with you because of who you are. Let things happen organically and don't dwell too much in fantasies.
Your Obligation To Tell
Relationships are all about compromise, so what if there is something that you will never ever under any circumstance compromise on? Then you have tell the other person. They need to know! I don't care if it's business, personal, or romantic. Please for the love of god, tell your partner before anyone gets invested.
I tried to make a relationship work once after a girl cheated on me. Shocking, but it didn't work out. After that I decided, I'd never do that again. It's something I can't work through no matter the reason. So before I got involved with my very serious girlfriend now, I said "I'm a pretty laid back guy, I can compromise on just about everything, but if you cheat on me. this relationship is over. There is no discussion. There is no working it out. There is also no argument. I don't care the reason, I don't care who. I'm not leaving upset, I'm just leaving."
People think "Well it was just one stupid thing, I'm sure we can work through it!" And that's when relationships go past the point they should not. When one party violates the others personal code, but the offended party didn't voice it before hand, so how could they have known?!
Save yourself from wasting your time. When someone tells you, "I'll marry you, but I'll never want kids" or the opposite "I'll have kids with you, but I don't believe in marriage" you need to listen! and you need to ask yourself, "Am I okay with never having that? or never doing that?" If you're not then you need to leave.
So think long and hard about what you can compromise on and what you can not. I don't care what it is! It could be anything! And when you've thought about what you will never compromise on, then you have an obligation to tell your partner before you enter a serious relationship.
Don't Fake It
Faking orgasms. SERIOUSLY. If you start doing this early on and your partner thinks exactly what they're doing is satisfying you, how can you expect them to ever get it right
Make Your Own Rules
It all depends on the couple. My wife and I had sex on our first date, moved in together after dating for 3 months, then didn't get married until we were together for 9 years.
The best thing you can do is be open and honest with each other, and always be yourself, so don't do the opposite of those things I guess.
Lie to themselves about the relationship. Lie to person they are in a relationship with. Lie about what they want in a relationship.
Always be honest in a relationship. Always make it clear what you want, what you don't want and what is a deal breaker. You will save yourself and the other person a lot of time.
That tiny, insignificant, slightly annoying quirk about them that you don't feel justified in pointing out because everything else is perfect?
Yeah, that's going to be the cause for screaming matches down the road. Point it out now and come to some resolution, even if your resolution with your partner is to just deal with it. Save yourself some heartache and say something now.
That doesn't mean you just throw the relationship away. If this person that I love were to die suddenly, would I think about the silly things they did with fondness and nostalgia, or not? SO leaves empty cups everywhere, like that kid in Signs. It drives me bananas. But if something happened to him, I know I'd see a tidy nightstand by my bed and remember a time when it would have been crowded with cups and be so sad. Take it or leave it.
The take it pile is usually bigger than you imagine.
You Need More Than Physical
Ignoring things because of physical attraction or good sex. Both of those things will diminish with time and then you'll be left dealing with cons with no pros. Go for a well rounded relationship.
Immediately starting to take care of their SO. If this is how you show affection, great! But make sure they appreciate it and they aren't just getting comfortable doing less.
Not getting out of the relationship when you notice a red flag really early. Lots of relationships end because of red flags you noticed on the first date. "You know, it's funny; when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags."
Early, Often, Always
Communicate everything, early, often, always. It's the only way to know you're compatibility. Lack of talking is what killed my marriage to my best friend. Plus, if you have issues, work on them. Don't just let your mess sit there unattended, go to therapy.
Keep Your Friends
Not keeping up friendships and relationships with people other than your significant other. You can't be solely dependent on one person to be your social and emotional support. You need to maintain friendships, interests, and activities outside of your relationship. Finding the balance might be tough, but it's crucial. You don't want to break up with someone you dated for 3 years and realize you don't have any close friends anymore because you spent the last 3 years ignoring requests to hang out and be social with them.
Years ago I had a situation where a close friend's boyfriend had feelings for me. I barely knew the guy and had never done anything to encourage his feelings, but it destroyed my friendship with his girlfriend.
When I eventually confronted him, he literally could not comprehend that I never had feelings for him. The problem wasn't the he idealized me, the problem was he didn't see me as a person with my own wants and needs. He had feelings for me, and wanted me to have feelings for him, so every interaction we had was tainted with his idea that those feelings existed. He wasn't being real about what the situation actually was.
It is okay to think someone is the cat's pajamas. To some extent, that is a natural part of being in love. It doesn't mean they look down on you or that you don't value yourself. What is a problem is shutting yourself off from reality and from actually knowing someone because you've already decided who/what they are.
You have to be able to honestly evaluate and RE-evaluate situations or you'll end up living in a whole made-up world and get really hurt when reality eventually kicks in.
The Break Up Threat
Never use the threat of 'breaking up' as a weapon to achieve something.
Don't even joke about it.
Only bring up the notion if you're willing to lose the other person. Once that possibility is out in the open, its a bitch to get back in.
What's on the menu? What are the specials? What's popular? What's your favorite item?Tell me everything.
Back when I was in hospitality, these are part of the litany of questions I would get from visitors to our country. It became a bit irritating. I should've made a sign with "Regular FAQs."
I didn't have a lot of answers, due to the fact that I find American food pretty run of the mill. I'm going have to be schooled on what is considered extra yummy only in the states.
Although I must admit, the shoe definitely swaps feet when I travel. Tell me everything. The rest of the world is far more compelling with their menus.
Redditor u/Well_shi__-_- wanted to discuss what menu items we all need to discuss by asking:
What common foods in your country are considered delicacies by foreigners?
The closest "delicacy" for America I can come up with is pizza. Right? But only in NYC. And bagels, but only in NYC. Maybe alligator in Florida? And oranges, but only in Florida. Were very centralized here aren't we?
Berry WayThanks Strawberry GIF by DriscollsBerryGiphy
"Goji berries. We put that stuff in our soups and many people pick that out when they drink the soup."
"(good) Olive oil."
"Kirkland California Extra Virgin Olive Oil is white label Cobram Estates, which is the California grown product of the Australian olive oil company, Boundary Bend. They have an unimpeachable reputation for quality and win many awards!"
"It was supposed to be caviar, but now it's also unaffordable for us. cries in Russian."
In the Forest
"Hmm, forest berries perhaps. I live in Finland. We have a lot of forests, so lot of berries such as blueberries and lingonberries. Everyman's Rights mean that you can just go and pick as much as you can find. It's kinda one of those things where if you live near any forested area, and are willing to spent time there come late summer, you'll probably have enough to last until next year in your freezer."
"We have so much berries that people from poorer countries (Thailand is a common one for some reason) are hired to pick them up, because doing berrypicking enough to actually profit monetarily is heavy work. And apparently the pay isn't worth it for most Finns. At the same time, forest berries are considered a superfood around the world, very healthy and trendy. Dunno about actual delicacy status, but definitely a difference in how we think about them."
The Little Lambbaby lamb GIF by The DodoGiphy
"I worked for a charity in Iraq for a year and we'd buy a dozen lamb chops for the equivalent of $5. That's like $60 to buy in the US and it's worse quality."
Ok, now that is what I call a menu. And I actually had a few of these items on my list when I heard the question. Only in Italy can you find true oil. And caviar? Guess I'm flying to Russia. Knock, knock Vlad. LOL
"Hawaii has somehow turned spam into a sought after food, especially by visitors from Japan."
"I would add mushrooms for Finland. Especially porcinis (herkkutatti), chanterelles (kantarelli) and C. tubaeformis (suppilovahvero) are incredible food mushrooms which are sought after e.g. in Italy. We can just go pick them in the forest thanks to our "jokamiehenoikeus", every man's right, which allows anyone to pick mushrooms and berries etc. on public land such as state-owned forests."
When in Mexico...
"Avocados here in Mexico, pretty common and cheap."
"Jamón Serrano, here in Spain is really common and you can find very good product for a very affordable price."
"We are going to Madrid this fall and my husband has already informed me that he plans to eat his weight in Jamón Iberico. We used to get slivers of it from a Spanish importer near our old house for crazy money."
Truth Hurtsbritish crown GIFGiphy
"Englishman here, been scrolling for sooooo long to find my country..."
"Maybe some stereotypes are true."
Spam? Just, no. And I will say, I think the English are in the same boat as the good ole US of A. Empty food treasures. I've been to London... the supermarket sandwiches were good and you can drink in the streets. I guess you make up where you can.
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Standards for dating people are definitely very varied, because we as people are varied, and we as people are flawed. Little things might get to us from the get go, causing us to be very very picky about who exactly we let through a couple rounds of dating.
Those things can be really small. Do they wear white after labor day? Are they one of those weirdos that refrigerates their red wine? Have they recently been spotted at a Yu-Gi-Oh! tournament?
"What's the pettiest reason you've rejected someone?"
The answers were as varied as the humans who gave them.
So She's Making Things Up Again
"We went bowling and she started saying the bowling ball was hurting her fingers."
"She was convinced that there were bugs inside the bowling ball biting her fingers and that was the reason for her pain."-Wacky_Sacky
Okay But Only Psychos Cut Their Spaghetti
"I have a friend who has a whole list of petty reasons she's rejected guys:"
"•He cut his spaghetti before eating it"
"•He wore brown shoes with black jeans"
"•He cut his hair too short"
"•He dropped something and said 'whoopsie'"
"•After watching her favorite movie, Ever After, for the first time he said it was 'just Okay.'"
"And then once a month she cries about how she's still single."-Johannes_Chimp
Avoidant Attachment Style
"She smelled funny. Not bad. It clearly wasn't a case of not washing or anything like that."
"She just smelled... Weird. Couldn't get over it."
"For clarification: I didn't know how to broach the whole 'I like you and you're funny and smart and sex is great but you smell weird,' so I just moved to a different country."-BeefPicklesCheddar
It really is pretty interesting to see how people deal with these petty reasons as well.
Hoppy Beer Made Him Hoppy On Out
"I was rejected because I didn't like the taste of his preferred beer."
"That was it, I wasn't asking him to stop drinking it - I just didn't personally want to drink it. We were about to order another round, he asked if I knew the one he had just had, and offered me a taste."
"I gladly accepted because I try to be open to tasting new things."
"I just said I found it a little too hoppy for my tastes and I was happy to stick with what I was drinking. I wasn't rude, I said it was nice, but a little hoppy for me."
"His face dropped, it was almost comical. He then said something along the lines that he had changed his mind and he had better get home."
"That was the end of that first date. As in he literally decided he no longer wanted another round. The date was over. He had blocked me on Facebook before I walked the 100m to the bus stop."
"Pretty sure I dodged a bullet there."-Sharkoslotho
"My ex's name was Simone. She was studying business administration and had a horse."
"We broke up after she f**ked another dude."
"I got over it, and met another girl. Her name was Simone. She was studying business administration and had a horse. Nope."-somniumx
A Taste Log Of The Day
"This dude was super sweet and had a lot of good qualities."
"He was a plumber and casually admitted to me that sometimes he will bite/clean his nails after work and taste the remnants of what he touched that day. I could not get over that and had to move on."
"Things were really going great, like he said all the right things and he was a genuinely good person with similar interests. Up until the point he said that, I was considering moving forward with the relationship."
"Also, I see nail biting as a habit that could be changed, and even practicing better hygiene (which he mostly did, except for those damn nails)."
"Once he said it, and he was serious, my views and feelings for him changed. It's just one thing that completely turned me off from him."-AdmiralPendeja
Half The Fun Of Having Cats Is Having Them Be Bratty
"My perpetually single friend has turned rejecting people into a bit of a sport."
"I'll Tinder for her, which is all sorts of amusing, but one day, I had actually met someone for lunch and thought 'here's someone that's kind of her type, I wonder if she'd be interested!'"
"I ended up pulling up his website and showing her some pictures of the guy. We get to about the sixth photo in, of two of his cats, in a treehouse. She explains 'his cats look bratty.'"
"Yeah, well, that's why you're single. Still. Six years later."-disillusioned
And the reasons people will find just to get away from people and keep themselves alone is also very interesting.
Was It Worth It?
"Went on a first date with someone that was out of my league. Couldn't believe my luck! On our way to dinner, everything was going fine and the conversation was flowing. She seemed really into me."
"Suddenly she screamed at me to stop the car. Not pull over, stop right here right now immediately in the suicide lane of a 4 lane major road."
"Just before I came to a complete stop in the middle of this busy road, she opened the passenger door and tried to jump out. If a cop saw all this it probably looked like she was escaping a kidnapping."
"She jumped out of the car and played Frogger across two lanes of traffic, and I sat there stunned with my passenger door hanging open into traffic. A few seconds later, she came running back with something under her arm."
"I couldn't see what it was in the mirror. She had a huge smile on her face and as she climbed back into the car she squealed with delight as she showed me what it was."
"A f**king hubcap. She said it was to commemorate our first date, and that we could share custody of it. I could have it first."
"That was our first and last date."-Uncle_Baconn
Elton John Would Probably Laugh At This Story
"We spent our first date browsing various record shops in Manhattan and Greenwich Village. I took him to my favorite ones. I told him what Elton John album I thought was best."
"He disagreed and was adamant I was dead wrong. He was going to a party at his brother's after and didn't believe in subways (as his dad had died in 9/11)."
"The party was 100 blocks away in Brooklyn. Decided to walk him to the party despite having mild asthma and severe post nasal drip. Once there at the door he decided it wouldn't work out because he couldn't put our differences aside."
"His last words were, 'Do you really believe Honky Chateau is his best work?' Of course I do. He had this horrified disgusted face on and said, 'Yeah, no. That's just wrong. Not gonna work out since you have poor taste.'"
"Literally got rejected over Honky Chateau, but it's okay. My FIL thinks that album is the hottest sh*t."-intothethickofitoh
Tiny Teeth Committee
"I broke things off once because of the size of her teeth."
"They were tiny compared to the size of her mouth. It shouldn't have been an issue, but it creeped me out. I don't know why, but it was one of those things that I couldn't ignore and gradually became the only thing I could see."
"Grown woman with a mouth full of baby teeth... just weird."-CarrollGrey
It is really a wonder how humans are so easily poked, prodded, and annoyed. But it is part of what makes us who we are.
We wouldn't have fun, funny, interesting stories to tell each other otherwise. We simply have to honor these little, "petty" reasons for not getting with others.
There's nothing funny about having an employee show their true colors after you've already hired them. Upon hiring, they seemed completely normal, pleasant, like they would be a good worker. Then as they get the lay of the land, they show that they actually have a different personality when the manager isn't around to see.
A Redditor wanted to know:
"Employers, what's the most insane complaint you've had about an employee that turned out to be completely true?"
These stories will shock you. The things that these people did were deceitful and, quite frankly, illegal in some cases. How the managers didn't catch them sooner is what makes it so unbelievable.
The hotel party.
"I was the head night auditor at an upscale airport property. Had a youngish night auditor who put a room into out of order status and let his friends in to party and have an orgy that he joined during his lunch break. He got caught because of a noise complaint. Police called, he was fired and blacklisted from being hired back."
"I hope he had a 1hr lunchbreak. If he joined the orgy for 15mins that's kinda disappointing for everyone."
"That is hilarious, I had almost the exact same thing happen at a property I worked at, except:"
"a) It was a tiny 30 room historical property, so it wasn't going to go unnoticed."
"b) He threw his drug fueled party in the "Queen Anne Suite," our most expensive room."
"c) He didn't even have the sense to put the room out of order or even kiiinda clean up afterward, assuming the hotel staff would just not notice or care that a room we didn't rent that night was ABSOLUTELY THRASHED."
"d) He just made keys for his friends that he handed out, and came in through the back or something, rather than just renting the room at a discount or something so it would all be kosher on the books (if you don't have 50 bucks to rent a room at the employee rate then you don't have the money for a party bud)."
"e) He did all this on MY shift rather than his own, thinking I wouldn't catch on that something was fishy on one of our TWENTY FOUR SECURITY CAMERAS."
"f) He really thought he could prevent us from catching him by coming in on my shift, acting like he left something behind on his last shift, then while I wasn't looking, STEALING THE CORDLESS MOUSE TO THE CAMERA MONITOR. IN PLAIN VIEW OF THE FRONT DESK CAMERA. He just. Palms it. Then shifts a guilty lil glance at the camera."
"Surprise surprise, we were able to roll back the security footage and catch all this on tape when we pulled the high tech maneuver of 'Plugging In A Different Mouse.' He was fired so fast. I've never worked with such a dumba** in my life. He really thought he pulled the heist of the year."
"For context, this was not a teenager. He was obviously in his 40's, receding hairline, lanky and always a lil sweaty and dodgy and socially awkward. Not 'quiet and timid' socially awkward, more like... this guy gives me bad vibes, makes inappropriate uncomfortable jokes and laughs too hard, doesn't really get professional workplace boundaries, seems like the sort who would try too hard to impress teenagers because he has a car and can buy them liquor but can't hang onto a friend his own age to save his life. My hiring manager really knew how to pick 'em."
At the bank.
"Working in a bank. Had a teller (about 19 year-old) get pissed about the way a customer (retail store owner) would send in her deposits at the drive up window. The teller complained about the customer on Facebook! Tagged the lady personally, as well as the store! Customer called the bank and told me, furious of course."
"I told the customer we would investigate, I asked the teller. She straight up admitted it, and says "What's the customer or Branch Manager going to do about it? My Grandfather is friends with the bank President." I called HR and Bank President on conference. Girl lost her job in under 15 minutes of me receiving the call from the customer. Breach of customer confidentiality in banking is a MAJOR law violation."
"I love the fact that she thought her grandfather being 'friends' with the bank President was going to do jack for herself. Even if it had been her father being friends with the president she would still be fired. Even if she had been friends with the president she would still be fired. If she was the bank president she would still be fired. The only scenario where she gets out of this untouched is if she had a time machine to slap herself before she tagged the customer."
"This is why it is important to distinguish between nepotism and networking. Networking can look like nepotism but you are actually taking advantage of the fact that you know competent people and thus don't have to play roulette with new hires. The catch is that if you give a bad recommendation it reflects poorly on you and you lose status in the network, and the new hire is not protected at all."
"Though if you break the law even nepotism won't save you most of the time."
Should have run a background check.
"Hired a guy on a trial basis. He was super polite and careful when speaking to me, but several of my female employees told me when I wasn't around he was creepy. After about 5 days, one came to me and said almost verbatim: 'I think he's a rapist.' She just a had a gut feeling about him. So I ran a background check on him... yep, he was a convicted rapist."
"For those of you saying 'This is why you run background checks BEFORE you hire...' this was almost 20 years ago when it was not standard procedure, and I was not in charge of that regardless. HR would make the decision. In this case I requested it specifically because the safety of my employees appeared to be at stake, but not one other time in my career did I feel the need to ask for one."
Subway stamp cards scheme.
"I knew a guy who worked at subway back when they gave out stamps. Basically for every six inches of sub you bought you earned a stamp and once you filled a card with 8 stamps you could get a free six inch sub."
"So this guy started only giving stamps to customers who asked for them. If they didn't ask he pocketed their stamps and grew a sizeable stack of complete stamp cards."
"Then over time he started cashing them in. When a customer paid with cash he would ring it in as a freebie, place his own completed stamp card in the till, and pocket the cash. Customer got their sub, subway's till was balanced, and he had an extra five to ten bucks in his pocket - everybody was happy."
"He worked there for a few years and word was he racked up a few thousand dollars running this scheme. No idea if anybody complained, or if he was ever caught, but he did buy a motorbike."
Innocent retail worker gone wrong.
"So I worked retail and we got this guy named something like Gus."
"My boss tells me, 'Hey this guy's got anxiety, go easy on him OK?' And so I was like, okay that's cool I get it I can relate. I do everything I can to help him make sense of the infernal godforsaken hellscape that is retail."
"It starts off with little forgivable things -- forgetting a task here, forgetting things there, accidentally giving the wrong info and things like that. You know, newbie retail stuff like that."
"He quickly devolved in popularity as his complacency grew over time and his helpful attitude shrank. My guy started messing around during his shift, getting caught on his phone while ignoring backup cashier calls and things like that. He would make stabbing motions behind the manager's back to other employees, tell off new employees, and play it all off like he was some innocent dope who didn't know any better."
"None of this got him fired. Day after day was a new complaint from an employee about responsibilities he shirked or a customer about blatantly wrong info like, 'Oh yeah we have another location up on the hill,' and we didn't. No idea whose son he was, because that was apparently all kosher."
"What ACTUALLY got him fired is the one day he brought a dog and a super expensive dog collar into work. He claimed he almost hit the dog on the way to work and it was running around wild, etc. He tried to sell the dog collar to a customer, then tried to 'adopt out' the dog to a coworker."
"This coworker was competent enough to take the dog to a vet whereupon they found a microchip and contacted the actual owners. THAT'S where the fun started."
"It came out that Gus never found the dog at all. He straight up KIDNAPPED this dog from his neighbor and tried to pawn it off, knowing full well what he was doing. The guy lawyered up immediately, tried to sue Gus and threatened to sue the store and the store manager if Gus wasn't fired."
"Suffice to say, Gus was gone the very same evening. Nothing else came of it, but we talked about him for years and years."
These stories are unbelievable but true. How some of these people didn't get arrested is beyond us!
Thank goodness there were employees who caught these people in the act.
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The magical, curated experience for paying guests is only the tip of an iceberg of hard work, dicey ethics, and a robust corporation with all the policies and economic motivations that you'd expect.
Lucky for us, some Redditors were there to see all that goes on behind the curtain.
And my goodness do they have some stories.
Redditor memezdankton asked:
"Former Disney theme park employees of Reddit, what are some dirty secrets or stories you can tell us about your time there?"
Many people were cast members: princes, princesses, people in giant, fuzzy costumes. Those smiles, plastered there for hours at a time, aren't always legitimate.
"My SIL got a the role of Cinderealla at Disneyland Paris."
"She had to practice Cinderella's autograph over and over because although different actresses play her all over the world, the signature of the character has to be identical anywhere it's signed for consistency."
"You have to be in specific height ranges to play the different characters. Because Mickey's height range is so short he's usually played by a woman. Likewise for Donald, although the most successful and best known Donald that I knew while I worked there was a little person."
"When the princess face characters come backstage they have to take off their dresses so they don't get dirty while they're on break so the princesses are usually walking around in a smock and bloomers if you see them back there. There is some serious cognitive dissonance when you walk back and see Snow White in her bloomers on her phone cursing up a storm."
"People sexually harass the characters super frequently. I was working with Ariel and cast members will always count down before they take a photo so people have time to get into position. I counted down and this teen boy decided to try to rip off one of Ariel's shells."
"I had to open his camera and expose his film so the photo didn't get developed and passed around. I found out later that I was supposed to take it to the Kodak shop to have the film developed and that one removed - but I'd always heard the rumors about ruining the film and nobody really trains you on that so I just went with it. The little a**holes deserved it."
The Show Must Go On
"Worked at Disneyland for almost 5 years. I personally haven't gone to see the 'Disney' doctor for cast members but I know friends who have an heard the doctor doesn't give a sh** about the CM's coming in for injuries."
"The time I was there, photographers and other departments weren't allowed to drink water from the water fountains because we are 'on stage.' It was a big issue the last year I worked there and some of the leads were fighting for umbrellas for photographers. It gets really brutal in Carsland where it's 5x hotter. Almost past out from the heat and dehydration."
A Very Hostile Work Environment
"I had a friend who was a gorgeous red head in her early twenties. She got cast to play Ariel at Disney World. She returned home after a few months saying that they were pressuring her into getting breast implants.
"To quote her (quoting her manager), 'There is no way Ariel has such small boobs.' "
Others discussed the employment policies that are sure to leave you scratching your head. Or calling your union rep.
What Can and Can't Be Shown
"Disneyland first interview papers include a blank outline of a person to indicate where you have tattoos."
"It's referenced if you want to change positions internally, to indicate how said tattoos could be revealed, based on what your new uniform would be."
Playing the Part
"I worked in reservations. They give you a name, that is not your own and you better use it. My name is not Robyn Leigh, but in Disney reservations, it was."
Never a Good Sign
"Disney Employees started referring to Disneyland as Mousechwitz due to working conditions."
"Management told them to stop, so they used Duckau instead"
And others shared the obscure and strange stories that only a Disney employee, with a front row seat to a massive institution, could ever know about.
A Big Loss
"During the construction of Pandora at Animal Kingdom, a very beloved superintendent passed away on the project of an immediate heart attack. Mid-sentence and while opening the door to the construction trailer, George Burke just…died."
"The project was very affected by this. His knowledge of the work that needed to be done was deep and irreplaceable. His laughter and personality was loved by all 1400 workers that were there. A couple years after he passed, we were finishing the project and found the perfect way to pay homage to George. They invited his family to the middle of an active construction site to let them view it."
"George's red hard hat, with the black Nordic Cross on top was attached to the rockwork, in the middle of the flowing river, to the left of the entrance to Flight of Passage, and plastered over. The family, friends, and a few Imagineers, were the only people there. Only we can point out where the hardhat is underneath the plaster, theming, and plants. I revisit the spot everytime I go back to Pandora. :-) Peace!"
Truckin' It Out
"Former cast member from the early 90s. There was a central 'bank' near the Magic Kingdom tunnel entrance where all the park gift shops, restaurants etc would deposit the day's cash. Each day an armored truck would drive into the tunnel to haul away the loot. i can only imagine how much cash they took outta there!"
"I worked there for 3 months 2 years ago with my gf at the time and anything news worthy that happens there (usually negative) immediately gets shot down by the official page of Disney (Twitter, insta, Facebook etc) they keep everything hush hush."
"Lighting struck a bathroom building and there was a small fire and my gf and I weren't working that day but we were there enjoying the park for free bc we're cast members and she records it and posted it on her Twitter. News media pages were commenting and asking her questions like when, how, what's being done and before she could reply the Disney page said to disregard the video bc it wasn't true and the video is edited and the media pages stopped asking after that."
"She gets called into the office the next day and was super close to losing her job. The reason she didn't was bc of how much seniority she had but she was basically on probation after that."
It's a list that'll leave your mind wandering a whole lot more if you ever do go to Disney again.
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