I don't think humans appreciate or grasp just how quickly a life can change in an instant. Do you realize how fast an instant is? Things can go from calm to outrageously off the rails in a breath. And when that happens we're all just left in a stunned silence. We have to think of life like a roller coaster... we explode from a quick crawl to a flying blast. Now do we get it?
Redditor u/neboi69 wanted to hear about the times when things went off the rails rather quickly by asking... People of Reddit, in which moments of your life did "S**t go from zero to 100 really f**king quick?"I can't count the amount of times my life has gone to one hundred, heck, two hundred before I could even get a good jog going. Mostly, it's happened to me when I was waiting tables. Y'all have no idea. One minute it's quiet and we're going along at a nice glide. Then ten minutes later, you've got ten tables, people are yelling and half the menu is already sold out. I still have nightmares.
Its Coming!!
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36 weeks pregnant. Went from "oh I think my water just broke, yay, time to call my midwife" to "oh crap that's not just fluid it's blood!" Ambulance ride and emergency C section all within a couple of hours.
Health Issues
I was a few months past my 32nd birthday. I went to bed, strong as a bull and literally woke up with cataracts. Not exaggerating; They formed overnight. My wife took me to the hospital and we found out that I had Stage 4 Systemic Sarcoidosis. Legs. Lungs. Liver. Kidneys. Intestines. Spleen. Eyes.
15 years, seven surgeries, bad reactions to meds and tons or rehab later, I'm back to work. I'm only half of what I used to be, but I'm really grateful for that half.
Fine on Paper...
Dad randomly fainted and was unconscious for probably 10 minutes or so. Ambulance came, took him to the E.R., every test was normal. He was fine on paper.
Came home, went back two days later as he was severely septic. Bounced between the hospital, specialty hospital and rehab hospital and nursing home 13 times in a year's time. He was in a coma, every organ shut down and came back to life, he developed a list of infections and problems.
His brain took the biggest hit. He died in the nursing home in his sleep.
He went from respiratory therapist with a high intellect to confusing me for my mother. Broke me so hard. We knew what caused the initial infection but still never found out why he fainted. The two incidents were unrelated but the infection he got came from the hospital during the first stay.
An Asda Night
I was leaving Asda one night after buying a few bits and I heard a loud crash like two cars had hit at the roundabout. Sorta chuckled to myself and thought 'ooft, I'd be annoyed' because I knew two cars hitting on a roundabout in this area likely wouldn't be fast or a risk to life.
I continue walked another 10 seconds or so and notice an old man in the middle of the road.
A guy had come off the roundabout and this old bloke, If I recall right he was 84, was cycling across the road with no reflective gear and he went straight into him.
Driver was in shock and nobody else was around so I dropped my stuff and ran over to do first aid/get help. This was October last year, I still don't know what happened to him but he was barely conscious and couldn't move anything.
It was one of those situations where you always wonder how you'd act if it happened to you and I'm so glad I kept my cool as opposed to panicking.
Blood Work
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Wife was feeling fatigued, got a call from her doctor who ordered blood work saying she was likely in kidney failure.
Later determined to be glomerulonephritis, went to the hospital for an ultrasound of her kidneys and it was confirmed he creatinine level was 12.0. She had to start dialysis the next day and thankfully got a transplant about 8 months later. 7 years later and she is still doing fantastic post transplant.
See there, we're not alone. Life is an erratic gamble on all of us. And there is no amount of planning that can prevent the downturn. Life is gonna life. We can prepare to roll along better. Let's see who else understands...
the money pit...
When I was 12, my parents were considering the possibility of moving to a bigger house for our growing family, not enough to have hired a realtor, but enough that they were casually looking at houses. My mother fell in love with a house above our price range, and went in during an open house.
The agent asked if she wanted to make an offer, and she wistfully threw out an offer she could afford, but was definitely lowballing.
Unbeknownst to my mother, the house was being sold because the family was relocating due to the father's work, and the sale needed to happen urgently so the relocation could happen as quickly as possible.
The agent had been instructed to take the next offer that walked in the door, and the company would make up the difference if it was below market value. The agent accepted my mother's offer.
My father got a phone call while he was work with a frantically excited "Don't spend any money! We just bought a house!"
Detroit
Was like 9 or 10, dropping the mail off at the drop box on the corner in Detroit. Dude came out of his house, I remembered hearing the heavy metal screen door open, and I turned to look just as he jumped off the porch running right at me with a knife.
Never ran so fast in my life.
Felt like an eternity but I finally made it to my house and broke down in front of my mom, who was sitting in our van waiting for me to get back so she could take us to school.
Morning started off like any other, don't even know why he did it. I think he was just freaking with me but holy hell lol.
Grand Canyon
1990 ... I'm 40 ... with climbers on North Rim, Grand Canyon.
Bedded down for the night way down in Saddle Pass.
9:30PM ... all peaceful ...
THEN ... in the pitch dark a flash flood roars through camp. Stones the size of VWs rumbling by.
From that day, I sleep one eye open and ALWAYS pack clean underwear 'cause this will make you crap your pants.
Yeah... crap went too 100 really fast.
The Diagnosis...
Really wasn't that sick but something was bothering me so I went to the doctor. Went in to discuss the lab results and found out I had cancer. Dr. Had already started coordinating with the other doctors/surgeons that had to be in the Operating room, because I had to have major surgery. I had 10 doctors appointments in one week, another procedure and actually forgot to go to work.
Surgery was less than 2 weeks after diagnosis. Got a major infection within a week and back in the hospital. Started chemo six weeks after surgery Which rolled into radiation. An intense nine months.
I've been cleared but dealing with the aftereffects I have from chemo and radiation was not something I expected and is seriously taking a physical and mental health toll on me.
Grandma
I was just sitting on a couch watching tv then i heard my grandma fall, and she literally ripped open her entire knee somehow. I had to call 911 and it was horrible.
About three days later they released her and as soon as she got home she passed out, I was the only one home with her and i had to call 911 again.
A week later she gets released and she has a SEIZURE and I had to call 911 AGAIN.
She fell a few times after that but nowhere near as bad as the first times, we still don't really know whats wrong.
When in June...
Sometime in June, rather hot weather, the eldest daughter got a mild case of a stomach bug. Wasn't anything we haven't dealt with before, she wasn't even throwing up anymore, just mild fever. At one point she falls asleep and I think, okay, let her sleep it off.
She wakes up 30 minutes later and I go check her temp. She went from 98.6 to nearly 104 during those 30 minutes of sleep. And as I am taking the thermometer away, her eyes just roll back in her head, and she keels over.
Massive seizure, bloody foam at her mouth, bitten through her tongue. Completely unresponsive, just trashing and convulsing. Call the ambulance, they arrive within 10 minutes, they sedate her and start to pack her up for the ride to the hospital. She goes into another seizure just as they're loading her into the back of the ambulance, despite being already sedated.
Spent 4 days in the hospital, multiple scans, the works. Turns out she has epilepsy and the seizures can be triggered by rapid fever.
The Dead
My roommate had some friends over but my fiancé and I went to bed. I was dead asleep and about 3am my roommate bursts into my room and shouts RUSTY WAKE UP FRIEND JUST OD'D and runs out. I immediately jump up and sprint after him to find friend unresponsive on the floor of my roommates bathroom. We drag him out of the bathroom so I could lay him flat and oh damn he's not breathing. I shout back to my fiancé to call 911 right now and tell them Friend OD and he's not breathing.
So I give him a couple of rescue breaths and oh damn I can't find a pulse. He's freaking dead. So I initiate chest compressions. After a couple of rounds oh thank God he's got a pulse now, but still isn't breathing, so I switch to rescue breaths. The paramedics arrive and he sort of gasps for a breath but not effectively. So the medics slam him full of Narcan and he lived.
Not Funny
Watching a funny bar argument turn into a not funny bar shooting because one of the guy's girlfriend couldn't keep her mouth shut. Every time security calmed the two guys down she would get it started back up.
Flipped...
One minute I'm taking the back roads to work, come over a small rise, and hit a stretch where they had just laid gravel.
Next thing I know, my car is flipping through the air. According to a witness, did 3 complete flips. Utterly destroyed the car, front wheel torn and hatchback torn off, engine knocked loose, all the seats but the driver's broke free.
I cut my hand.
Alone
Parents took me involuntarily to the middle of nowhere for a year, led to me being a year behind my peers back home, and was threatened to leave us there to fend for ourselves, and that our mom would walk out on us if we didn't behave.
Buckle Up
A fair ground ride malfunctioned and I was in the malfunctioning seat. It was summer so a lot of the employees were teenagers who just seemed to be glued to their phones in the control booth.
We're going up on a drop tower ready for the drop when suddenly the lock on my seat unlatched. The only thing keeping it from bursting fully up was the belt buckle which I believe was way too long.
I'm unfortunately a short dude so the moment it dropped I slipped out of the side and found myself gripping the handles for dear life. Guy next to me noticed and moved his leg twisting it like he was a mountain climber to keep me from falling further, person on the other side is holding my arm.
The freaking employee was on his phone with most of his back to the ride. People on the ground began to notice and got his attention even then it took him a minute to realise. Ride was cut short and we were let off so they could run maintenance.
It was fixed within a few hours though so I went back on it.
Baby Baby Baby
Super chill pregnancy. Mild morning sickness, a little back pain, everything else downright boringly normal. One lovely Thursday, we go for the routine 20-week ultrasound. Cute pics!
Not half an hour later, we get a call—there's an abnormality. They're referring us to a specialist. Half an hour after that, we get a call from the specialist.
She gives us the next available appointment; she apologizes that that's not until Monday. Monday rolls around. Baby has a great big tumor hanging off its lower back.
Life's kind of crazy now. Baby might die. My chances are better, but I might die, too. High-risk pregnancies are terrifying.
Hey Cuz...
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Checked FB on a break at work and had a message from my cousin "Sorry to hear about your dad, he was a good man" That's how I found out my father died. 66 days later I get a phone call from the police dept. that they found my mother deceased in her apt.
Timelines...
May 2017: Came home from work early to find that my husband was/had been cheating on me. Knew at that moment that my life as I knew it for the last 20 years was over.
June 2017: Had to put the house on the market as I couldn't afford it by myself.
July 2017: Boss told all of us that he was selling the business and we were all out of a job.
August 2017: Moved into a condo and started a new job the very next day.
If it wasn't for needing to be strong for the kids I don't know how I would of made it.
Buckle up kiddies. It's going to be a bumpy life. You just have to learn to love life at one hundred miles an hour. At least when it doesn't revolve around tragedy.
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I can tell you from experience that airplanes are not a good idea. Don't ask me how I know. A lady never kisses and tells, but highlights are ok. There will never be enough room and the movies are lying.
Like Glue...
Melissa Mccarthy Falling GIFGiphy"I lived in Australia for a bit and our studio had this black pleather couch. It looked exactly like that casting couch meme so we tried it for fun once. My ex sweats a lot even when it's not 40C out, but it was and we stuck to the couch like glue."
The Sting
"On a hike in a wildlife refuge. We went off the trail to a more remote area. Was all fun and games tell I got stung on the penis. Was after the event had ended when I was briefly exposed, the little moron went right at me. We joke about it regularly, I'd say it comes up monthly. Just out of the blue she will say "hey remember when you got stung on your penis?" Yes, I remember and will never forget."
Up a Tree
"A "treehouse" that was actually a plywood shack on 6' stilts. It was pretty old and the plywood was splintery, so he laid down an old towel for me (you know, like a gentleman.) Also it was too small for me to fit in any direction, so my head stuck out the door. I stared at the sky and just... And that's the story of how I lost my virginity! A close second would be the bed in his semi-abandoned house full of the semi-abandoned hoarded belongings of his mother. But that's a different story."
Walk Away...
"Met a girl online and we tried to do it at the park. A cop showed up before we started and told us we had to leave. We went back to our cars which was at a small shopping mall. We went behind the shopping mall and got it on behind a dumpster. It worked out well so we met up there again a week later. Except that time, as we were walking away, a dump truck picked the dumpster to empty the trash. Was hilarious at the time but frightening looking back on it. This was about 10 years ago."
Keyed Off
Piano Performing GIFGiphy"I don't recommend on top of a piano. Very uncomfortable and not at all the experience we envisioned."
Scratchy...
Screaming The Voice GIF by NBCGiphy"Bottom of cliff next to the ocean. Turns out I have an allergic reaction to coral and my back was scratched the hell up from it. It was windy, wet, and itchy. Runner up is a movie theatre."
Smoked
"In a literal smoke house... lost my virginity with about 50 rings of deer sausage hanging around to dry. My friend and his dad were gone and we were like "this seems like a great place!" At least when I went home I smelled like venison instead of sex."
"Well, if you find yourself stuck in a rut, it'll be something to fawn over."
Hey Fam...
"I'm not sure if this counts because we didn't get very far. But In a Burger King parking lot… He had a car, so we would park it someplace and hook up in the tiny little two-seater. I was sitting astride him and most of my clothes were off when he froze. I looked over my shoulder and the once abandoned parking lot was abandoned no more. A family of four were just staring at us through the windshield. We didn't know what to do so I just put my shirt back on and we drove away."
"we can hear everything"
"My childhood house had an enclosed porch that was level with my parents' bedroom window (it's hard to explain). You couldn't see into the porch from the window, but if the porch windows were open and the bedroom windows were open you could hear everything from either room."
"So my now husband and I were trying to have sex in that porch, having opened the windows cuz it was hot AH. My parents usually never opened their window and it was past ten, when they usually went to sleep. We weren't trying to be loud, but apparently we were."
"After we were done, I checked my phone and I had 5 missed calls and a text from my mother saying "we can hear everything" and "please at least use a condom". We didn't acknowledge it at the time but my mom got drunk a few years ago and told my aunt the story and said she was worried she was hearing the conception of her grandchild."
Ivy!
jerry seinfeld help GIF by HULUGiphy"After a drunken night on 6th st in Austin, girl and I were walking down red river st, she drags me in this bushy grassy area, we go at it, finish, call an Uber to west campus, continue going at it. The next day, we are super itchy, come to find later it was poison ivy, got it all over our genitals. Fun times. 10/10 would do it again though."
Also, be careful when and if you do it on a bus. You're never fully out of the driver's line of sight. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. Be careful out there but have fun.
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Redditor Pooky135790 wanted to know:
"What are the best adult jokes that are hidden in kids movies?"
These scenes really had us rolling.
Shrek definitely has a few innuendos.
"In Shrek talking about Snow White:"
"'Although she lives with 7 other men, she's not easy.'"
"Gets me every time!"
- Sregge
"The whole Duloc opening scene with the singing puppets. 'Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your…….face.'"
"Also in Shrek: when they get to Farquuad's castle, they note the large size of it, and Shrek asks if Farquuad is compensating for something."
"This joke is great because everyone can laugh at it."
"Kids will think it's a joke about his height."
"Adults will think it's a joke about his other kind of height."
Lord Farquaad Ok GIF by PeacockTVGiphyCars had plenty of jokes.
"In Cars when the two Miata ladies flash their pop-ups at McQueen"
"I didn't realize for years that that was the connotation."
"Look at that scene again and look at the photographers behind Mia."
"It took me a second but I think the one directly in the middle is zooming in on their posteriors lmfao."
- -Paint
lightning mcqueen car GIF by Disney PixarGiphy"Also the Piston Cup. 'He did what in his cup?!' Funny enough 10 year old me got that and my dad didn't."
"Also in Cars, when Mack is driving down the highway and wants to pull over into a truck stop to rest, the sign at the truck stop says 'Top Down Truck Stop, All Convertible Waitresses.'"
Robots had it's fair share of moments.
"In Robots the [father of the] main character and his wife get the parts for their robot child and exclaim, 'Making the baby's the fun part!'"
"Also the old lady bot, Aunt Fanny, has a lot of junk in her trunk."
Oh, Ratatouille.
"There is that one scene from Ratatouille, when Linguini is about to confess about how Remy is in his hat cooking for him, and says 'I... have... a little... tiny...' and right after he says tiny, Collette quickly glances down at his pants. I never even noticed it until someone pointed it out to me because it is pretty subtle and can be easy to miss."
"Seriously the best dick joke in a kid's movie."
"That and the time when the short lil chef guy catches linguini in the pantry and says, 'One can become to familiar with vegetables, you know!'"
ratatouille flirting GIF by Disney PixarGiphyCoco really went there!
"In Coco, everybody laughs when they say Hector died 'choking on chorizo.'"
"'Choking on chorizo' is Mexican slang for sucking d*ck."
"I mean the song Hector sings to his dying friend has the implied, but not spoken, lyrics: 'And her tits they drag on the floor...' (he says 'knuckles' but the guy shouts, 'those aren't the words!')."
- TerH2
What a forgotten gem Monster House was.
"Monster House."
"'That's it's uvula!' 'Oh.... So it's a girl house....'"
"Rick and Morty gets a lot of hate around here because of the sh*tty fan base, but Dan Harmon is a genuinely funny writer."
"Could not BELIEVE Dan Harmon was a writer on this 'til I googled Monster House; your point is a good one lol."
Even in Frozen.
"'Foot size doesn't matter' - when Anna from Frozen talks about her fiancé."
"Frozen 2, 'I like you better in leather anyway' when Kristoff dresses up for Anna at the end."
"My boyfriend and roommate and I all watched it and all three of us spat our drinks at that and we all did the 'Did we just hear what we think we heard?' look. Then we laughed for like 10 solid minutes."
Not a movie, but still good.
"There was an episode of Dexter's laboratory where the father kept going on about Dexter's mother's muffin, and saying he only married her for her muffin. The whole episode was filled with innuendo."
"'Your father is a muffin fiend, a muff-o-maniac, just the aroma can make him crazy.' Lol. Had to see it for myself."
"Season 2 ep 18 The Muffin King."
"There was the episode about DeeDee and Dexter having decoder rings! DeeDee says Dexter's club is for big 'I-D-K-S-C' Dexter decodes it, gasps, and says he's gonna tell mom. Lol."
Whispering French GIFGiphyChildren's shows may be for kids entertainment, but they're created by adults. No doubt they're going to slip in a few naughty jokes here and there.
Time to re-watch some old favorites and see what we missed when we were younger.
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