Arranged marriages are not something current day people understand but they still happen, and many people are totally cool with it. Culturally it's ALL up to what the individuals decide. However a lot of people like to share their thoughts on things they don't understand or approve of with or without being asked.
Redditor concernedhusband2821 had to tell his story on this topic... My [28M] friends/co-workers [20s M/F] are mocking my wife [22F] and our arranged marriage, not sure how to address or deal with this?
My wife and I have been married for close to a year now. She was born and raised in India her entire life, while I have been raised here in America since I was four years old. As you all saw in the title, this was an arranged marriage, and I met her around two weeks before the wedding. Despite not knowing each other for a longer period of time, we have grown very close and I care for her deeply.
My main group of friends, however, many whom I have known since college, have joked and made fun of our marriage, and my wife. For example, we were at a dinner party a couple months and my friends were talking about something. My wife then commented, but because she has a pretty pronounced Indian accent, she butchered a few words, and everyone laughed and began to impersonate and make fun of her. I could see how much this hurt her, and for the rest of the night she was silent and later on asked to leave early. This was the only time this occurred in front of her, but many times when I have gone out with my buddies they casually make fun of her accent, or her confusion when it comes to American traditions and customs, and every time I tell them enough, they say "I'm just joking man, chill out," or "Don't take it so seriously."
In addition, there have been a few times when I've gone out or talked with co-workers, and when they begin to talk about or complain about their relationships and I chime in, they basically ignore or make snide remarks regarding what I have to say. I specifically remember one time where a co worker said "What do you know about marriage? Yours is not even an actual marriage."
I suppose I'm asking for help on how to deal with these sorts of comments, as I'm sure more will come throughout my marriage. My wife is naturally just very shy, so I know she won't try and defend herself when stuff like this happens. She hasn't been able to make any friends since coming here, and refuses to come out with me because of my friends. I know she feels home sick at times, and I really want to help her come out of her shell because she's a wonderful person and her happiness is extremely important to me. So I suppose I have two questions, how can I deal with my friends and co workers? And how do I help my wife gain more confidence and come out of her shell?
Options...
Giphy
how can I deal with my friends and co workers?
Firmly but politely.
"I'm just joking man, chill out"
"You might be joking but I am not."
"Don't take it so seriously".
"That is my wife you are talking about and I am taking it seriously"
And how do I help my wife gain more confidence and come out of her shell?
Are there any interests your wife has and are there any clubs in your area that correspond to her interests? Are there indian communities in your area? Also, you might want to do a fun activity together, like dancing (assuming she likes to dance). Or go swimming or cycling together. Preferably something outdoorsy.
Start learning...
If she truly feels isolated by her accent, please think about hiring an experienced ESL tutor. I tutor an Iranian couple on accent and fluency 3x/week. I am able to identify their problem areas and do exercises to get them used to forming different sounds. One thing she should be doing is shadowing. Just Google ESL shadowing. You basically repeat a speech or conversation AS it is still being said, half a beat behind. This forces you to simply copy the sounds of the language instead of translating it into your own accent/cadence. It will help her to get muscle memory in place and speak more naturally.
More like enemies
The thing that pisses me off the most about your so-called "friends" is that when she ends up just joining Indian communities and clubs they'll be the first to say crap like "sick of foreigners coming to our country and then just not trying to fit in and only doing stuff in their own little communities" etc. Well of course she will be more inclined to do stuff with other Indians when you racists mock her and make her feel like shit and not welcome...
Class can be fun...
Giphy
Also, taking some college classes could really help here. Courses on sex and culture, for example, delve into these issues and teach crass American college students that there are many ways of being and being married. Basic cultural anthropology. Sociology classes - and some psychology classes.
Your friends sound incredibly self-centered and immature. So maybe reading Christopher Lasch's Culture of Narcissism together (a classic, really, don't need to finish it) would help her understand this particular subculture.
You need new friends - these ones are awful! My coworker was from India and she had an arranged marriage and it was one of the sweetest relationships I've seen. Choose friends that respect you, not hurt you.
Define "Friends"
Giphy
I have to agree your friends sound like a-holes. Have they never met or known anyone for whom English is a second language? Have they never travelled to a country they didn't know the language? I'm horrified they'd mock her accent.
If you want to remain friends with them, then you're going to have to shut down those comments.
"I was joking." Answer, "it's not a joke, it's very rude and hurtful."
"Your marriage isn't real." Answer, "that's a rude comment. Why would you say something like that?"
Your friends seem unable to accept cultures and customs different than their own.
Eye to eye...
So you need to be honest with them! Say "look, I know we've joked like this in the past, but you are hurting someone I care for very deeply and it is not acceptable. Either you change this behavior or we end our friendship."
If they don't comply, you need cut them out of your life. Your priority here is the family you are building with your wife. DO NOT stand for people doing anything to hurt her. I cannot believe you didn't stick up for her at that dinner when they were laughing at her.
They can learn...
Giphy
To piggyback on what some other commenters said about her speaking English as a second language, I would ask your friends to try learning hindi and see how stupid they sound. At least your wife is intelligent enough to even learn a second language! She is also stepping far outside of her comfort zone to make an effort to communicate with your friends, and they are making fun of her for that. They are literally shaming her for being a good wife. Point that out.
Center yourself
Your friends are acting like a-holes. Making fun of for being from India and your marriage is super crappy.
In the future, I wouldn't share with everyone that your marriage is an arranged marriage. In the current time, I would tell them that it's not acceptable and it's not funny. If they don't, I would stop hanging out with them. They don't respect you, they're xenophobic...
As for your wife, are there any Indian community centers or temples near by? I used to take classical Indian dance- there were a lot of Indian adults in the class (I was the only non-Indian) so that might be a good fit for her.
Time for new friends...
Giphy
Oh my gosh, these are not your friends.
My lab partner in grad school was Indian. Great guy. He got lonely so he went home on break and came back with a wife. It was a strange and new concept to all of us white people, so we we asked some respectful and curious questions. When we learned that she hadn't left the apartment in the week she had been there, we threw a casual party to welcome her. We all became great friends. She often brought food to all of us when we were in the lab late at night. They have been married ten years, and have one of the best relationships I have ever seen. I always puts her needs first and always respects her (and her him). That is what I admire the most. Your wife needs your respect, which means standing up for her. I imagine she must be feeling very lonely and or isolated. show her that you are in her corner.
Love. Did it. A few times. Moving on.
Stay Still
Travel GIF by Grish MajethiyaGiphy"Jump off a moving train."
DenseDriver6477
"My dad used to jump on a train when he was little to go to school. He broke his nose like twice doing it. He also would not recommend."
Darphon
“vaportini”
"Smoke alcohol. Me and my friends bought something called a 'vaportini' in college where you could pour alcohol into a bulb and after low heat separated the alcohol from the liquid, you could inhale it thru the glass straw you inserted into the bulb. Basically you got drunk directly into your bloodstream/brain and it never hit your stomach."
"If you did too much, your body wouldn’t make you vomit or something, there wouldn’t be a simple self regulation/safety measure. You’d just get alcohol poisoning. Felt very dangerous, the drunk wasn’t a regular drunk feeling. We used it once and were like okay, never again. I’d be surprised if you could still buy it, although it would be incredibly easy to replicate at home."
michelangelho
It’s heartbreaking...
"Fall in love with a drug addict."
Rains_Lee
"Good call, don’t do it. The drugs will always come first. Can’t go out unless their 'ok' with how much drugs they have and money left over if any, cant make love unless they have their fix for the night and even still it never feels normal, can’t trust them after the lies to get drugs and the manipulation they put you through, and you can’t change them no matter how much you try and wish they would. It’s heartbreaking."
Cvilla411
More me time...
"Give up my life for work. F**k going the extra mile for a place that doesn't value you and pays you crap even though you go the extra mile for them. You have 1 life with only so much precious time to enjoy it and slaving away at some job is not worth it. Do what you can to reduce your workload and find better employment, or hell try to change the working conditions at your current job to improve things for everyone if you can."
Mrhappytrigers
Well Obvi...
"Donate a kidney."
ToffieMonster
"Well, you could donate the remaining one. You just won’t be around to say anything about it."
shavemejesus
This is definitely list I can relate to. No thank you on a lot of this!
I Quit
Smoke Smoking GIF by OriginalsGiphy"Smoke cigarettes, it's been two years since I quit."
SuvenPan
Forget It
"Climb mount Kilimanjaro. Toughest thing I've done and it's not worth it. I'm all about tough treks and camping but to put yourself under tough conditions and suspectable to altitude sickness only to get to the top for 10 minutes for a picture. No thank you."
Monks_
"I agree, it was memorable. Once was enough for my husband and I. Thankfully we stayed at American style hotel run by the US Navy with a hot tub and bar. Alcohol was definitely needed after all that."
Whatsherface112
I'm living alone!
"Sign a lease with a stranger without hanging out with them a few times beforehand. My past roommate experiences in college were terrible. Roommates either ignored me, hosted parties til 3 AM on weeknights, made the house the hangout and drug-den for them and their buddies. Meet up once and they'll put on an act for you. If you can, try to see how they act drunk or frustrated."
"Try to hang out with their buddies too so you can see the type of people who could be coming into your future place of residence. As soon as I can afford it, I'm living alone! Now, I investigate a potential roommate's social media and hang out at least twice before signing a lease with them."
fleursdefer
Stay Away
"Take back a cheater. Know your worth my brothers and sisters."
santichrist
"Ughhhhh going back and forth on this one. My boyfriend of 5 years has cheated on me. Several times, actually but says he’s really changed and is ready to settle down and wants me to move in with him. I’m on the fence. So they never change???"
madlecroy
Sleeptime
Tired Good Night GIF by HBO MaxGiphy"Take a laxative and sleeping pill at the same time."
karmaredemption
Once, twice, three times... I'm out. Bye.
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I say I'd be ok with it, but I'm remembering my last relationship and I feel like I'm not a "put my $ where my mouth is type" on this issue.
Bye
Jimmy Fallon Reaction GIF by The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy FallonGiphy"Wish her well and spend the next 2 years getting myself back to a place where I am ready to get hurt again."
wickedblight
It's Time to Roll On...
"Personally I would leave them."
"I think they're the ones leaving you. I don't think the relationship changes at that point; I think it ends. If you have a monogamous relationship, they are telling you they want to end that. They might be suggesting starting a new, non-monogamous relationship, but that is a separate thing. The original relationship is over."
octopoddle
ethical non-monogamy...
"OP, it's no different than anything else they want: you either agree and stay together, disagree but stay together, disagree and break up, or even agree and break up. What you're talking about is called 'ethical non-monogamy.'" The seminal book to read is called The Ethical Sl*t."
"It basically boils down to be whatever you want, just don't lie about it. The tricky thing is that this is something that was not present before, but is present now. So it's a potential fork in your road. If you're against it, it's up to your SO to decide if sex with other people is more important to them than a life with you."
Tokugawa
a different story...
"I think it depends too how intently they're interested. If it's a thing they bring up because they're curious but it's not a dealbreaker for them, I'm fine with that even if I don't want to proceed. A solid relationship involves open communication, and it'd make me happy if my partner trusted us and our bond enough to voice that curiosity with me."
"If it's something their heart's absolutely set on, then it's a different story. Either way, it's kind of strange to me how these posts always assume simply asking your partner how they feel about opening the relationship means they're now wholey invested in the poly lifestyle and they'll resent you or cheat if you say no."
donkeynique
Others
Sexy Jessica Alba GIFGiphy"Happy that we have common interest, sad that it's different 'other people."
i_lick_icicles
Sex is always an issue. Remember when it was just fun?
Mine
angry youre mine GIF by Team CocoGiphy"Leave her. I’m far too possessive and jealous to be able to mentally accept polyamory. If she has a desire to be with other people I’m not going to stand in her way but I’m not going to be there when she gets home either."
Thiek
Not Me...
"Break up. My parents were poly and it's just not for me. I've been honest with every relationship I've been in that I'm not interested in any type of open relationship. If they want to be with someone else that's fine but we'll be over. My husband is aware of this and on board (and has been for over twenty years!). So if he came to me with this yes I would be heartbroken but I'm not willing to budge on this and it would be the end of our relationship."
GoldDustWitchQueen
Let's Talk
"Counseling time! We're married. I'm chronically ill (stage 4 breast cancer) and have no libido. We try to make intimacy work, and obviously in that case it wouldn't be working. So. Time for a pro to sort out the marriage, and possibly a sex therapist for me."
insertcaffeine
Awkward Positions
"I’ll put myself hypothetically in this position. My partner and I only want each other. We’ve made this abundantly clear to each other. However, if she came to me with desire to open our bedroom and she wanted to sleep with people outside our marriage."
"I would simply express how I vehemently do not an open bedroom and that it would kill any desire I have to want her, be with her, love her, etc. Our couple dynamic has been working well through our ups and downs. Involving some stranger in the ONE thing I find most sacred with my partner is the best way for me to lose any interest or passion for the relationship."
RedFlaim
Farewell
Love You Goodbye GIF by truTV’s At Home with Amy SedarisGiphy"Break it off, because they definitely already have someone in mind and you telling them no won't change the fact that they were only one step away from following through with it."
Caressticles
Well it feels like a lot of people still believe in one partner, happily ever after. Good for y'all. But big props to these couples who have open and honest conversations about their wants and needs.
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Redditor take_me_there_ asked:
"What WOULD you wish on your worst enemy?"
This One Would Hurt
"A conscience. Let her realize the horrific things she’s done."
- Jenny010137
"Seriously. Introspection, self awareness, and empathy are traits that would improve a lot of sh*tty people."
- el_muerte17
"Oh I wish I had thought of this one. If my enemy had a conscience, wow life would be much different."
- Shelbysouth43
No Pearly Whites For You
"I’d like all their teeth to turn really yellow and stay yellow no matter what they do."
- toothfixingfiend
"What did I ever do to you?"
- Spideredd
"I don't even know you! Give me back my enamel!"
- AngryMustache9
Everything You Own Is Orange Now
Snl Cheetos GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy"Permanent Cheeto fingers. Just orange cheese dust getting on everything."
- cocoapuff1721
"This has to be one of the most evil things I ever heard, yet absolutely hilarious."
-Merk0411
"The Midas Touch: Snack Edition"
- MaryVenetia
Ouch, But Forever
"Stubbing and breaking their toe and right as it’s about to be done healing it happens again over and over for the rest of their pitiful time on this hell we call earth."
- No-Bee-2971
"Sisyphoot"
- Alpha_6
"More of a Toemetheus imo"
- PykeTheDrowned
Self Reflection
"For them to realize how big of an a-hole they are."
- mayhemanaged
"Same for me. The trouble is mine probably knows what a tremendous a-hole he is, and just doesn't care (it's what defines him, is his outlook more than likely), so, give mine a conscience as well, he undeniably lacks one."
- RhoadsOfRock
"a crushing moment of self realization is something that can destroy you mentally. I wish that on them."
- chancetodream
Bury Them Under A Mountain Of Minor Inconveniences
"Always being hungry two hours after eating no matter how large the meal. Slow internet. Traffic jams no matter the location. Self doubt. Allergies. Favorite shows spoiled."
"Nothing major enough to be life altering but constant, low grade inconveniences that wear on your soul every day."
- I_Love_Small_Br**sts
"Every bite of food they eat/drink they drink being slightly the wrong temperature."
"Coffee? Warm but not hot. Cola? Cool, but not cold. Muffin? Ever so slightly frozen."
"Not enough to ruin their life, but just enough to not quite have full enjoyment of anything.."
- HappiHappiHappi
They'll Never Be Able To Use Their Computer Again
"Quick scan with McAfee on their computer."
- halflife_3
"You f**king monster."
- Orion_2kTC
"The constant pop-ups from McAfee is too far."
- _Land_Rover_Series_3
That's A New Level Of Evil
"Bed bugs."
- thrawn1825
"Currently dealing with bed bugs, and I can absolutely confirm this is the kind of thing I would wish upon my worst enemy. It is miserable and painful, and I've tried everything to get rid of them at this point."
"I would easily wish this upon my worst enemy, x10."
- ArbitrarilyStagnant
"Oh hell no, you went there... Hopefully they aren't living in an apartment complex or you've cursed everyone in the building."
- expect_less
Well of course I know him. He’s me.
Animated GIFGiphy"$100,000. I sure could use it."
- Sparklesperson
"'It’s no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy'"
- FishyVonFishenHymer
"Lol I thought this was that deep sh*t like 'pray for those you resent to have all the things you want in life….' Then I realized."
- No-Chipmunk9527
Forever Constipated
the powerpuff girls bubbles GIFGiphy"That they can never have a satisfying poop. They always feel like they have to go to the bathroom and when they do nothing comes."
- [User Deleted]
"Wow. That's evil. Always feeling the need to pee would be good (as in horrific) too."
- ipakookapi
We definitely don't recommend implementing any of these plans (not that most would actually be possible), but here's some new ideas for the next time you're stuck in a meeting with your most annoying coworker and need a little fantastical escape.
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New clothes. I had so many hand me downs and thrift store clothes... new seemed like a dream.
Anxiety
Nervous Anxiety GIF by blackbearGiphy"After growing up in a home where every unexpected problem was a financial emergency, my idea of wealthy became 'I just want enough money that if something breaks I don't get anxiety about how to deal with it.'"
Obiwan_ca_bl**me
Literature
"Getting to buy something from the scholastic book fair."
Rich*itch3232
"My school, at the end of it a bunch of books were 'donated' and then spread out on a table in the library. We all got to go pick one book. So even if kids didn’t get to purchase a book, in the end they had a chance to still get a book. It’s actually how I got my first Harry Potter book. Was a cool idea for any school staff or parents active in their kids’ schools."
glass_pillow
Christmas
"Getting new clothes at Christmas from relatives. I don't know if that is exactly a luxury or the kind of answer you are looking for, but we never had a lot of money when I was in middle school. I went an entire year wearing the same pants everyday. The funny thing was my parents didn't even buy them for me."
"I got them for Christmas from my Grandparents. All the kids use to give me so much sh*t for wearing the same pants everyday. I always told them that I had 5 of the same pair which made me feel good inside and kind of made them ease off even though I know they didn't believe me."
"I remember I fell on the school bus one day and the jagged floor cut a hole right in the knee cap and the panic that went over me was just insane. It was one of the worst feelings of my whole life because I knew that I didn't have any other pants to wear and that now all of the kids in my school were going to know that I only had 1 pair. Needless to say I could not wait for the last month of school to end."
themagicman_1231
I'm Away
"Summer camp, or basically any school trips that had to be paid for. At my school the kids who couldn't afford to go on trips that happened during school hours still had to come to the school, we just sat in a room and did extra work like it was detention."
Helpful_Yams
"I was lucky. If you taught at the day camp your kid could go for free. That was just day camp though not sleepaway camp. My mom found a camp teacher who had no kids of his own and he signed me up as his kid so I could get free day camp. Did that all through elementary school."
randtcouple
Big Deals
Pizza Pizza Pizza Dancing GIF by Domino’s UK and ROIGiphy"Going out for pizza was a big deal. Those free mini pizzas for reading books were huge."
Shroom4Yoshi
Food is always an issue when you're broke.
Damage
Summer Ac GIF by MashableGiphy"Being able to turn on the heat in the cold and pay a professional to fix damaged appliances, plumbing, and other issues."
Liggettef
Spoiled
"When my grandma would come pick me up and spoil me. My parents didn't have much money and were addicts so when my grandma would come get me I would come back with new clothes, video games, toys, etc. I used to think my grandma was rich but she actually just had a stable income."
nawlepen
"I was in this position when I was younger. I always thought my grandma had SO much money… but all she did was go to work everyday. Always made sure I had clothes and all my school supplies. I miss her pretty bad."
Keywork29
Water
"I am from a small island in the Pacific. While I mostly still take cold showers, I have always felt that a hot shower is the finest luxury one can experience. I had my first hot shower when I was 22 years old and I can never forget it."
FSMPIO
"This is the kind of luxury I think people take for granted, I always avoided showers in the winter as a kid since most of the time they where cold showers and the temperature here was around 12c° during those times."
PowerfullDio
Showerware
"Towels. Honestly, I was almost 10 When I realized people didn’t just put back on their dirty clothes after a shower because my family was so large (12 kids total including myself) and extremely poor. I thought towels were just for hotels or were maybe a prop on television. I went to a friends house and she asked for my help folding her towels. I remember laughing and thinking she must be rich."
"Long story short, I wasn’t sure which way to fold the towels, and begged my mom to buy them after I revealed that my friend, Simone, had them. She bought a box of used ones from a local auction and I walked around with them on my head feeling like a frigging empress after that, even though—-let’s be clear… these were second hand towels!"
shakezula1025
Or BK...
ronald mcdonald yes GIF by McDonald's CZ/SKGiphy"Grew up poor and when I was a kid I used to think you were rich if you had a dishwasher and a millionaire if you had one of those refrigerators that have a button for ice. McDonalds was also a luxury, a couple times a year on our birthdays."
chinderellab*tch
Everyone should have access to all of these things. Why is life unfair?
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