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People Break Down How They Built Up The Courage To Leave A Toxic Relationship

two people holding black paper heart
Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

For the person deep in the throes of a toxic relationship, that familiarity of all that discomfort can be seductive. Simply put, we choose to stay in the horror we know, rather than pursue the unknown path away from the pain.

But sometimes there's a shift, a snap of sorts.

Whether it's an abusive act, an important conversation with a friend or trusted therapist, or just some epiphany that strikes like a bolt, a single moment can turn the tide and finally push us out of the loveless pairing.


Some Redditors took a moment to share the times they finally pulled themselves out of something that was hurting them.

A warning that a few of these stories contain discussions of physical and emotional abuse.

Minecraft_Stoner asked:

"People who have been on the receiving end of a toxic relationship, how did you find the courage to leave?"

For some, the time to change struck them after a long, erosive process. As the time wore on and on, and their spirits never lifted, they finally made the move to get out.

These anecdotes illustrated that, many times, there are no tricks to this. Only the right circumstances where you feel ready to leap.

No More Wasting

"I just thought about how I didn't wanna keep wasting my time being unhappy. You love them so you want to stick by them and give em chances, but there's a point where enough is enough and you have to value your happiness and peace of mind."

"I knew leaving would be hard to do, but staying in a toxic situation is a lot harder. You have to realize your worth and sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to see it."

-- blowpops13

Straw that Broke the Camel's Back 

"8 year relationship. Not abusive, but definitely toxic due to several instances of catching him lying, messaging other women, manipulating my emotions after I'd confront him, gaslighting, etc."

"Year 7 I decided to focus more on myself, increasing my self confidence, advancing my own career/education. The next time one of those situations occurred, I felt good enough about myself and my position to leave him."

-- sophlog

A Sudden Break

"I never did find the courage, just anger."

"Over time the feelings of fear, sadness, and that desperate desire to just make everything okay and happy turned into resentment, contempt, disgust, and anger. I found him repulsive. Just the thought of him touching me made my skin crawl."

"One day he started in on his sh** and I guess the scales finally tipped. I didn't plan it, it just happened. The love was long gone, but now there wasn't even an ounce of affection or caring left. All I felt was hate and rage."

"I remember telling him we were done and to get the fu** out, I remember the look of surprise on his face, and I remember the hate that I felt, but that's about it. Mostly I remember the hate."

"Honestly I hope I never feel that way again, because I scared myself way more than he ever did. I was just barely in control and I think if there'd been any indication that he was about to get physical (and I'm surprised it didn't go that way) I would've ended up in a blind rage and either gotten myself hurt/killed or done something awful."

"Took me years of therapy to sort myself out after that one."

-- questionable_post

The Days of Disappearing 

"I just sort of had an epiphany where I realized I look forward to my alone time, and dread time with her. She liked to throw around crap like 'If you really loved me you'd ____' to get me to pay for everything, or 'If you leave I'll just kill myself.' And suddenly I found myself thinking...good. Fu**ing do it. Please."

"And one day while she was out I packed up all my crap and left. I put most of my stuff in a storage unit and lived out of my car/tent for a month while I saved up for my own place. This was before everyone had cell phones and there was no social media so by just disappearing like that she couldn't do jack."

-- m31td0wn

Simply Unsustainable

"Noticed how draining it was & how dangerous even a slight mistake would be before everything explodes again."

"Tired of walking on egg shells. Tired of having to be interested & part of every interest of hers. Tired of not having opinions lest they be the wrong ones."

"Found myself preparing for & thinking, 'what if I slipped up,' since I was physically exhausted - then realized if that would be all it would take for world war 3, it isn't really worth the time & effort."

"By then, I didn't enjoy the relationship. If it was so simple to kick off another fight, it was gonna kick off no matter what I did or didn't do anyway."

"I figured it was gonna be painful, but rather than 'live in fear,' sheer exhaustion drove me to bite the bullet & break up."

"To be fair, the explosion & fury followed, but it wasn't my 'job' to care anymore. Got more important things to do than walk on eggshells & be smothered simultaneously."

-- MindOfAnIntrovert

A Professional Push 

"Therapy. I had to hold myself accountable to someone else, and speak of my own behaviors and dependencies in order to finally end them."

"I was very good at hiding the fact that I was seeing this toxic person from my family and friends, all the while pretending to myself that having the toxic person was worth all of the pain."

"Actually, on World Mental Health Day, I made a choice to be unavailable to the toxic person for the first time in a few years, and that one decision changed the whole course of things. I eventually sat them down and explained that our story had come to an end...walked away that day and blocked them on everything."

"Two months later, I started dating the love of my life."

"Sometimes, you have to clear the road for the good things to arrive."

-- WhoIsYerWan

An Illuminating Trip

"I didn't even realize how toxic it was until she went away for a while, and I just felt like such a weight was lifted. I started meeting people, making friends, etc ... suddenly, I was a happy person, excited to wake up in the morning."

"So, I called her and told her I packed her shit up and she should come get it."

-- User1539

A Non-Collaborative Partnership

"My husband kept making financial decisions without me, and I decided I was done when he bought a $51,000 truck without mentioning it to me first. It feels good."

"The divorce papers get filed next week. Therapy helped me find the courage."

-- lismox42

For others, the decision to leave was extremely clear. After all, a history of physical abuse can make leaving extremely urgent, for the sake of safety and an obvious desire to avoid trauma.

Putting Their Foot Down 

"She hit me pretty regularly, so I talked with my therapist about it to plan a way out. We came to the conclusion that saying 'you need to stop that or I'm leaving' would be the best thing. So, I did."

"She said 'I could ease up' and I said 'no, it needs to stop entirely. It's not playful. You punch me in the ribs forcefully and have said that you hope it bruises. That needs to stop entirely, or I will leave.' She didn't budge past her previous point, so I left."

"I regret none of it."

-- TheMerk10

No More Accepting 

"When I was working out how to handle the next time he hit me, I realised that I was accepting the fact that there would be a next time."

"As soon as I could walk I packed up my kids and left."

-- ifmtobh

Calling in Backup

"After he threatened my life, I had my dad kick him out. I made sure not to talk to him at ALL afterwards. Blocked him on everything. I also got an Apple Watch for emergency reasons bc even though it's been like 6 years since we broke up he still mails letters to my parents house saying he's going to find me."

"Anyway, I was actually scared into leaving him, didn't necessarily take time to muster up courage or anything. It all happened very fast and was quite impulsive."

"The hardest part that took the most bravery was not actually talking to him or letting him call me to 'apologize.' Also it helps to have a good friend you can stay with or talk to for extra comfort and protection."

-- IdreamOfPizzaxx

Can't Risk That 

"He shoved me and I fell to the ground. That was after he dropped me onto a couch 'playfully.' "

"I knew it would be a matter of time before he hit me. And I was significantly smaller (5'1" 90lbs)."

"Happy to say I'm now happily married to someone wonderful."

-- greffedufois

A Tea Too Many 

"I was in my early 20s, she hit me one day with a mug full of tea on my back reasonably hard and I twigged I was being abused/in a toxic relationship then."

"I went home, came back the next day and told her that was it. The courage was a simple light switch in my head, I just didn't realise everything was going dark."

"Good luck to everyone out there x"

-- GPisrad

For some, they never actually did make the bold decision to go through with the breakup. Instead, their partner actually did it on their own.

But the freedom felt after the end was sudden and palpable.

A Rush of Relief 

"I didn't. Eventually she broke up with me. It was the most painful relief I've ever felt. I learned a lot, and now I know the signs."

"Would that I could've learned them another way."

-- treerain

It Only Takes a Couple Week to See 

"He broke up with me and I cut him off completely. Gave him a month alone thinking that I would annoy him and he wouldn't want me back (dumb) then after about 2 weeks realized how much happier I actually was."

"Never went out of my way to contact him again. He, if course, flipped out and threw a year long hissy fit about it."

-- Diindiisii_

Time Helps 

"I didn't. The toxic a**hole left me. What she did after that I appreciate to this day: she didn't cut me off but she never contacted me first."

"Eventually I got her out of my system and I rarely think about her now."

-- UpsetFuture1974

Pushed Away 

"She started seeing the guy she was cheating on me with, and I got forced out. She didn't formally break up with me, just basically let me know she had been cheating on me, again, and that she was seeing him now."

"She threatened to leave me a couple of times before then, but I begged her to stay because she had engrained in my mind that I couldn't live without her, rather than using it as an out. She left me no choice in the end"

-- AsMyTimbersShiver


To all those out there struggling in something that they feel might be toxic or hurting them in some way, know that it's okay to be confused, it's okay to not know if you're right about how good or bad things are.

But, if it's possible, tell someone. Get out of the echo chamber.

Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.

People Reveal The Weirdest Thing About Themselves

Reddit user Isitjustmedownhere asked: 'Give an example; how weird are you really?'

Let's get one thing straight: no one is normal. We're all weird in our own ways, and that is actually normal.

Of course, that doesn't mean we don't all have that one strange trait or quirk that outweighs all the other weirdness we possess.

For me, it's the fact that I'm almost 30 years old, and I still have an imaginary friend. Her name is Sarah, she has red hair and green eyes, and I strongly believe that, since I lived in India when I created her and there were no actual people with red hair around, she was based on Daphne Blake from Scooby-Doo.

I also didn't know the name Sarah when I created her, so that came later. I know she's not really there, hence the term 'imaginary friend,' but she's kind of always been around. We all have conversations in our heads; mine are with Sarah. She keeps me on task and efficient.

My mom thinks I'm crazy that I still have an imaginary friend, and writing about her like this makes me think I may actually be crazy, but I don't mind. As I said, we're all weird, and we all have that one trait that outweighs all the other weirdness.

Redditors know this all too well and are eager to share their weird traits.

It all started when Redditor Isitjustmedownhere asked:

"Give an example; how weird are you really?"

Monsters Under My Bed

"My bed doesn't touch any wall."

"Edit: I guess i should clarify im not rich."

– Practical_Eye_3600

"Gosh the monsters can get you from any angle then."

– bikergirlr7

"At first I thought this was a flex on how big your bedroom is, but then I realized you're just a psycho 😁"

– zenOFiniquity8

Can You See Why?

"I bought one of those super-powerful fans to dry a basement carpet. Afterwards, I realized that it can point straight up and that it would be amazing to use on myself post-shower. Now I squeegee my body with my hands, step out of the shower and get blasted by a wide jet of room-temp air. I barely use my towel at all. Wife thinks I'm weird."

– KingBooRadley

Remember

"In 1990 when I was 8 years old and bored on a field trip, I saw a black Oldsmobile Cutlass driving down the street on a hot day to where you could see that mirage like distortion from the heat on the road. I took a “snapshot” by blinking my eyes and told myself “I wonder how long I can remember this image” ….well."

– AquamarineCheetah

"Even before smartphones, I always take "snapshots" by blinking my eyes hoping I'll remember every detail so I can draw it when I get home. Unfortunately, I may have taken so much snapshots that I can no longer remember every detail I want to draw."

"Makes me think my "memory is full.""

– Reasonable-Pirate902

Same, Same

"I have eaten the same lunch every day for the past 4 years and I'm not bored yet."

– OhhGoood

"How f**king big was this lunch when you started?"

– notmyrealnam3

Not Sure Who Was Weirder

"Had a line cook that worked for us for 6 months never said much. My sous chef once told him with no context, "Baw wit da baw daw bang daw bang diggy diggy." The guy smiled, left, and never came back."

– Frostygrunt

Imagination

"I pace around my house for hours listening to music imagining that I have done all the things I simply lack the brain capacity to do, or in some really bizarre scenarios, I can really get immersed in these imaginations sometimes I don't know if this is some form of schizophrenia or what."

– RandomSharinganUser

"I do the same exact thing, sometimes for hours. When I was young it would be a ridiculous amount of time and many years later it’s sort of trickled off into almost nothing (almost). It’s weird but I just thought it’s how my brain processes sh*t."

– Kolkeia

If Only

"Even as an adult I still think that if you are in a car that goes over a cliff; and right as you are about to hit the ground if you jump up you can avoid the damage and will land safely. I know I'm wrong. You shut up. I'm not crying."

– ShotCompetition2593

Pet Food

"As a kid I would snack on my dog's Milkbones."

– drummerskillit

"Haha, I have a clear memory of myself doing this as well. I was around 3 y/o. Needless to say no one was supervising me."

– Isitjustmedownhere

"When I was younger, one of my responsibilities was to feed the pet fish every day. Instead, I would hide under the futon in the spare bedroom and eat the fish food."

– -GateKeep-

My Favorite Subject

"I'm autistic and have always had a thing for insects. My neurotypical best friend and I used to hang out at this local bar to talk to girls, back in the late 90s. One time he claimed that my tendency to circle conversations back to insects was hurting my game. The next time we went to that bar (with a few other friends), he turned and said sternly "No talking about bugs. Or space, or statistics or other bullsh*t but mainly no bugs." I felt like he was losing his mind over nothing."

"It was summer, the bar had its windows open. Our group hit it off with a group of young ladies, We were all chatting and having a good time. I was talking to one of these girls, my buddy was behind her facing away from me talking to a few other people."

"A cloudless sulphur flies in and lands on little thing that holds coasters."

"Cue Jordan Peele sweating gif."

"The girl notices my tension, and asks if I am looking at the leaf. "Actually, that's a lepidoptera called..." I looked at the back of my friend's head, he wasn't looking, "I mean a butterfly..." I poked it and it spread its wings the girl says "oh that's a BUG?!" and I still remember my friend turning around slowly to look at me with chastisement. The ONE thing he told me not to do."

"I was 21, and was completely not aware that I already had a rep for being an oddball. It got worse from there."

– Phormicidae

*Teeth Chatter*

"I bite ice cream sometimes."

RedditbOiiiiiiiiii

"That's how I am with popsicles. My wife shudders every single time."

monobarreller

Never Speak Of This

"I put ice in my milk."

– GTFOakaFOD

"You should keep that kind of thing to yourself. Even when asked."

– We-R-Doomed

"There's some disturbing sh*t in this thread, but this one takes the cake."

– RatonaMuffin

More Than Super Hearing

"I can hear the television while it's on mute."

– Tira13e

"What does it say to you, child?"

– Mama_Skip

Yikes!

"I put mustard on my omelettes."

– Deleted User

"Oh."

– NotCrustOr-filling

Evened Up

"Whenever I say a word and feel like I used a half of my mouth more than the other half, I have to even it out by saying the word again using the other half of my mouth more. If I don't do it correctly, that can go on forever until I feel it's ok."

"I do it silently so I don't creep people out."

– LesPaltaX

"That sounds like a symptom of OCD (I have it myself). Some people with OCD feel like certain actions have to be balanced (like counting or making sure physical movements are even). You should find a therapist who specializes in OCD, because they can help you."

– MoonlightKayla

I totally have the same need for things to be balanced! Guess I'm weird and a little OCD!

Close up face of a woman in bed, staring into the camera
Photo by Jen Theodore

Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.

Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?

But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.

It would be so great to be sure there is something else.

But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.

Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:

"Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"

Sensations

Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy

"My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."

PeachesnPain

Recovery

"I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."

"My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."

"It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."

good_golly99

Take Me Back

"Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."

"I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."

rayrayrayray

Free

The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy

"I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."

TooReDTooHigh

This is why I hate surgery.

You just never know.

Shocked

Giphy

"More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."

Admirable_Buyer6528

The SOB

"Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."

"Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”

1-cupcake-at-a-time

Colors

"My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"

Hannah_LL7

"I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"

huntokarrr

The Fog

"I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."

"I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."

Fluffy-Hotel-5184

Through the Walls

"My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."

"She's quite alive and well today."

Hot-Refrigerator6583

Well let's all be happy to be alive.

It seems to be all we have.

Man's waist line
Santhosh Vaithiyanathan/Unsplash

Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.

The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.

Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.

Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:

"People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"

Redditors didn't see these coming.

Shiver Me Timbers

"I’m always cold now!"

– Telrom_1

"I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."

– r7ndom

"140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."

– mr_remy

Drawing Concern

"I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."

– dee-fondy

"Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"

"Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."

– LizardofDeath

Unleashing Insults

"I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”

"It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."

– alanamablamaspama

Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight

"The loose skin is a bit unexpected."

– KeltarCentauri

"I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."

– KatMagic1977

"It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."

– Jaew96

These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.

Shopping

"I can buy clothes in any store I want."

– WaySavvyD

"When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."

– ganache98012

No More Symptoms

"Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."

– colleennicole93

Expanding Capabilities

"I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."

– Ramblonius

People Change Their Tune

"How much nicer people are to you."

"My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"

– LiZZygsu

"Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"

"And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"

– awholedamngarden

It's gonna take some getting used to.

Bones Everywhere

"Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."

– Princess-Pancake-97

"I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."

– bekastrange

Knee Pillow

"Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."

– snic2030

"I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."

– Strongbad23

More Mobility

"I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."

"Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."

– dma1965

People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.

But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.

That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.