Relationship Red Flags That Need Immediate Attention According To Couples Therapists
Being in a relationship can be a beautiful and empowering thing. But not all relationships make our lives better.
Truth be told, some relationships damage our well-being and impair our mental health. Some relationships can be toxic or even violent—it's important to keep an eye out for red flags.
But what are red flags? Simply put, they are warning signs that a person cannot have a healthy relationship. They can indicate unhealthy and even manipulative behavior. Excessive jealousy is something to look out for. Frequent lying is another. It's important to remember that red flags can be insidious... and that they can grow bigger over time.
The question is: What do you look out for?
Couples therapists told us what to look out for after Redditor Gnerdy asked the online community:
"Couples therapists, without breaking confidentiality, what are some relationships that instantly set off red flags, and do you try and get them to work out?"
"These are typically young women..."
"When one person is entirely dependent on the other, especially at a relatively young age. I mean financially and emotionally."
"These are typically young women (sometimes young men as well) who do not work, do not have children, stay home all day and have no friends or hobbies outside of hanging out with their spouse. Very unhealthy, and a huge red flag. Always ends in a painful and messy breakup."
"Generally, we try to get them to find a friend, join a community, get a job or volunteer - something to provide them with self worth and personal fulfillment outside of their spouse."
milksteaknjellybean
The idea of joining a relationship without anything of your own to fall back on is legitimately terrifying.
"One person says..."
"One partner says they’re seeking your services to help them determine if they want to stay together; the other partner says they’re seeking your services to make it so they stay together."
"Then it’s about highlighting the points and allowing the person who is on the fence decide what they want, since the other person knows."
ChickenSoup4TheRoll
That's so depressing, just waiting for someone to decide if they want you. Sadly, it's common.
"Invalidation."
"Invalidation."
"This comes in many forms, from gaslighting to just simple denial of another's opinion. Most of the time one or both parties are simply trying to be heard on an emotional level with an event or topic that was brought up, but the other party takes this as a personal attack on their ideals."
ShozoNishi
Do not tell someone how they feel or what they think. It won't end well.
"I saw a couple..."
"I saw a couple that was doing "retaliatory" cheating (and telling each other about it). When they got through their anger, they decided to call a truce and made peace. With their level of emotional maturity, I doubt it lasted. I don't know if I helped them or prolonged their suffering. It was their decision to come to counseling, so I think it was the help they wanted."
"Other clients realize what they really want is "divorce counselling". What's the best way to behave civilly and minimize damage to the kids while we go our separate ways?"
lightspeeed
I think it would be great if divorce counseling were normalized. It would save a lot of people a lot of pain.
"People who approach therapy..."
"People who approach therapy with the idea that they must convince the therapist that they’re right and their partner is wrong. Almost like they’re complaining to a parent or boss to have them sort out the problems."
Hyujikoll
Pointing out all the things your partner did wrong and demanding that the therapist tell you how to fix it isn't a winning strategy for any relationship.
"Contempt."
"Contempt. When I experience true contempt from one in the relationship I know it is usually over. Look towards a peaceful ending at that point if possible."
[deleted]
Ah, contempt! One of the four horsement predictors of divorce!
"When people come in..."
"One of the biggest red flags I see when working with a new couple is when they've totally forgotten the good. Part of relationship therapy is reconnecting a couple with what they like about each other, what initially attracted them to each other, and what the positives are between them."
"When people come in and they've been so unhappy for so long that they actually can't remember what it was like to be in love, or to even like each other, they're just about hopeless."
"You don't have to be happy for therapy to work--but if you can't even reminisce about the good times, then the good times are probably over."
TiredMold
This makes sense. Why did you get together? What did you like about each other? What do you love about each other?
It's important to keep that in mind.
"It erodes trust..."
"Couples in a tit for tat arrangement. For example: I cheated so you can have one night to cheat with whomever. Or I violated your trust and did drugs, you can go out and do whatever for one night. It erodes trust and compounds the hurt."
crode080
Yeah... nothing about that behavior is even remotely healthy. People should just leave at that point.
"I most commonly see..."
"Control to an excessive amount. I most commonly see partners having to send pictures holding up a certain number of fingers or proving that it's a live picture. This is abuse."
crode080
This is utterly heartbreaking. Hopefully these patients recognized the signs and bailed.
"I understand..."
"Overbearing parents and in laws. I understand there's a ton of cultural nuance here, and I work with couples who have arranged marriages, as well as the south Asian community. However, when a spouse is more allied with their parents and calls them on speakerphone for fights, or often speaks ill of their partner to their parents, I usually see these couples stay very unhappily married for years."
"It's sad."
crode080
Overbearing parents can absolutely threaten a relationship. It's important to remember that your relationship is separate from your parents — and that your partner deserves your love and allegiance.
Knowing how to identify red flags in a relationship is extremely important. In order to address them, you must learn what they look like and why they are so dangerous.
While this list isn't exhaustive, it's definitely a start. It is possible to identify red flags and put an end to toxic relationships before the damage is done.
Have some thoughts of your own? Tell us more in the comments below.
The great thing about fashion is that everyone looks good in something different. That’s why we each create our own style.
My best friend avoids gray at all costs since it’s drab and almost depressing.
However, I fill my closet with gray shirts or sweaters since that color makes my skin glow. I can’t wear leather jackets because they make me look like a tiny zombie, while my best friend has a leather jacket in every color since she can pull them off.
With some people being able to pull off items that others can’t, we may not think about the fact that there are some items that no one looks good in. Luckily, Redditors are hear to remind us of exactly that.
It all started when a Redditor asked:
“What does no one look good wearing?”
Do Not Trust The Sales Guy
"Fedora with safari flaps, even if the guy at the store says you’re the only guy he’s ever seen pull it off."
– Responsible_Repeat75
"I’ve never fought for anything in my entire life. I’m fighting for this hat!"
– chillbros42
It's All In The Sleeves
"Dimitri Martin explained it well: “I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket and thought, ‘that is cool’. Then I saw a guy in a leather vest and thought ‘that is not cool’. And that’s when I realized that cool is all about leather sleeves.”
– sellwinerugs
The Offensive Stuff
"A shirt that says "FBI: Female Body Inspector""
– Revegelance
"Pretty much any shirt that tries to put a "funny" spin on common acronym."
– Uncle_Spenser
Make America What Again?
"Political hats"
– Narrow-Escape-6481
"Unless it just says 'political hat'"
– PeterNippelstein
Lose Hair, Gain Everything Else
"That ugly cape you have to wear when getting your hair cut"
– nlowrey95
"Those capes will humble you real quick"
– GhoulFriend8
"I suddenly go from two chins to five chins when I have to get my hair cut"
– hausbritm
On Your Head
"Shower caps"
– Deleted User
"Hair nets along the same vein."
– TrevorPace
I Changed Colors!
"Fake tans that make you look orange"
– ChaosInAPickleJar
"I'd say any fake tan for that matter. They never look right IMO."
– Shanester79
Definitely Odd
"Any t shirt claiming your birth month gives you special powers or you are owned by your significant other. So tacky"
– dolphinsmademedoit
Wash Your Clothes!
"Ketchup stains."
– XploringTheWorld
"By contrast, I take people more seriously if they have mustard on their face."
– fezfrascati
Ick.
"Rat tail hair style"
– Every_Palpitation667
"I was a kid when this was fashionable and all the biggest jerks at school wore rat tails. I always wanted to try yanking on one of them just once but could never work up the nerve."
– SofieTerleska
A Different Kind Of Accessory
"2 liters of cologne."
– Teeheeleelee
"Well technically you could look cool you’d just need to be downwind and in a different building XD"
– KingBenjamin97
Total Agreement
"Those f*cking hiking shoes with the individual toes."
"Also crocs."
– Admiral_F*ckwit
And Disagree
"Those Walmart t-shirts with gangsta looney toons characters. Like taz with a Rolex rolling dice and flashing cash. Bonus points if the shirt sparkles."
– Reserved_Toast
"13yr old me feels very targeted."
– Fit-Importance-3043
Yikes!
“Skin colored leggings. It always gives me a "wth" moment before I realize what is happening.”
– Romy_xd
“Saw someone wearing skin colour leggings that had that weird scrunched up butt thing.”
–ravynwave
saw a lady at the airport once who just was wearing a SLIGHTLY oversized hoodie and no pants. i wish she was wearing skin-colored leggings.
– paladude_
Whoa!
All I know is, you can never go wrong in your favorite sweats, which basically make up my entire wardrobe!
People Explain What They Say At Least 1,000 Times A Day At Their Job
As an editor, half of my job consists of waiting for writers to finish writing (or re-writing) important copy for me to look over. The edited copy goes to many other departments after mine, meaning I get bugged by the art department asking me for the edited version.
I, in turn, have to bug the writers, asking them when the copy will be ready for me. As a result, something I say at my job a million times a day is, “Hey [Writer], can I have an ETA on that [brochure copy, article, etc.]”
And while I need to say it, I know the writers probably curse my name by now!
I’m not the only one who seems to be saying the same thing a bunch of times over the course of a day. At any job, there may be one word or phrase that is said 1,000 times a day.
This can be anything from “Sounds like a plan” to “Dear God, when will this day end?!”
Redditors have shared what they say 1,000 times a day at their job, and the answers are very relatable.
Curious to find out more, Redditor laladurochka asked:
“What do you say 1000 times a day in your job?”
Pitfalls Of Video Calls
“I think somebody needs to go on mute.”
“Said whilst knowing full well exactly who is the cause of the background noise because their box is yellow.”
– VodkaMargarine
That's All, Folks!
"Sounds good."
– SumKallMeTIM
"Same, and it rarely actually sounds good."
– Former_Team9993
"I love this because there’s no rebuttal for the person on the other end. The conversation is over."
– Tommybrady20
Work Mode
"I was raised christian, but one of my first jobs was working front desk at a Jewish nonprofit. I would answer the phones to screen and direct calls, and I had a very specific greeting that I had to say every time."
"One night I was home visiting my parents, we all sit down for dinner, and my mom asks me to say the blessing. My one brain cell searches for the rote blessing I’ve said thousands of times, we all join hands, and I confidently say “Shalom, Jewish Federation. My name is ___ how can I help you?”"
– chicksonfox
"I used to work at a comic shop/game store and I definitely once answered a call from my dad with 'hi this is gameshop Foamcorps speak--wait HI DAD'"
– foamcorps
Thank You, Next
"I once worked with a voice picking system. You would confirm location, say "next". Confirm amount picked. Say "next". This was the default word, you could change it but i couldn't care. And you would say it hundreds of times per day."
"Fast forward about a year and it started slipping out in the real world. Like having a conversation, saying my bit then finishing with "next" when I was done and wanted to hear what the other person wanted to say."
"Or "Hey aubven, you wanna get pizza for dinner?""
""Yes, next""
"I started changing that voice command for that prompt roughly every fortnight to avoid this continuing."
– aubven
Not Enough Hours In The Day
"“No worries”"
"When really I am worrying about how I’m going to accomplish everything in 7.6 hours."
– mydreamreality
"Alternatively, "it's all good" when asked to do something unnecessarily tedious in addition to everything else going on. It's not all good it never is."
– thefatrabitt
Please Read My Email
""As per my previous email""
"Which is code for READ WHAT I F*CKING SENT YOU YOU ILLITERATE HUMPBACK WHALE"
– sonnenshine
"Don't you hate when you have to do that 10 times to the same person?... and then they reply with "but I already replied to you!""
"No you DIDN'T!!! YOU CLAIMED YOU DIDN'T GET/SEE MY EMAIL THE LAST 10 TIMES!!!"
"I swear people are the worst lol"
– Brambarche
The Restaurant Life
"Hey y'all my name is Tony I'll be taking care of y'all tonight, shall I start you off with two waters?"
– dankvader192
"Sure. Can we get a coke?"
– epic_taco_time
"When I said coke I meant Dr Pepper…"
– NormalCorners
"Heard"
– lilbirdd
Unadulterated Hate
"I hate this place ...."
– tim_worst_isthe_best
"I say it about 20 times a day"
– 2BFrank69
Silent Sufferer
":: Rubs temples :: :: Sighs ::"
– uncheckablefilms
"Same. I don't say a lot. I just suffer in silence."
– OrneryDiplomat
I Wish I Could Say That
"That’s not part of my job responsibilities"
– Ladefrickinda89
Counting Down The Minutes
""is it 5 o clock yet?""
– tracyinge
If Only...
""Living the dream" is my response to anyone asking me how my day is."
– this_barb
"People ask me if I'm "living the dream" I usually respond "probably someone else's""
– zxplatinum
What Do You Do?
"Don't put that in your nose."
– Important_Sprinkles9
"Kindergarten teacher or drug counselor, can't decide."
– Mr_Otingocni
It Hadn't Occurred To Me
"not a 1000 but the most times "have you tried restarting it?""
– Brilliant-Line-2616
"Ah. A mortician, I see."
– Minute-Major7782
It's All Too Much
“F*ck Goddamn Who is this dumbf*ck Jesus Christ Why are we still here”
– PoochusMaximus
Okay, I might actually say that more than ETA!
Do you have any pearls you'd like to share? Let us know in the comments below.
People Explain Which Things They Thought Were Normal As A Kid And Later Realized Were F**ked Up
We are so innocent as children.
Innocent or gullible?
I think when we're young, we tend only to see only the good.
Because that's what instinctually we gravitate towards.
But it's a sad fact to learn later that the good is darker than we realize.
Not everything in childhood is a happy, innocent memory, no matter how badly our parents want to frame it.
The folks on Reddit can certainly attest to that!
Redditor True_Customer_8913 wanted to hear about all the things we saw in a new light once we grew up, so they asked:
"What’s was normal to you as a kid but you later realized how f**ked up it actually was?"
Double Agent
Comedy Say What GIF by BrownSugarAppGiphy"During the divorce they would try to get information about each other and say the other one was bad for me."
nasandre
"That happened to me too! Once had a judge tell 11-year-old me that my parents were one of the most immature cases he had dealt with, because they were more focused on making each other’s lives difficult than being parents."
TJ_Augustine
In Private
"My father was nice and friendly out in public but was an absolute a**hole to the family at home..."
"Me witnessing my dad being really friendly to everyone in public and then being an absolute raging a**hole at home made me just think 'well I guess everyone is just two-faced and using each other.'"
"All those movies about love are just lies and fantasies, if you're not using someone then what use are they to you? Obviously he doesn't get to use us at home so we aren't useful so we don't get treated well"
"Btw No he wasn't an alcoholic, he wouldn't even allow alcohol in the house because so many people in our family were alcoholics."
MysticalMagicalMilk
Not Funny
"My mom's boyfriend would pick me up by my hair sometimes. It didn't hurt a s**t ton so I never complained, which in turn made him keep doing it. My hair was always in a ponytail so it was easy to grab and do. I told a coworker about it and laughed because it wasn't a terrible memory. But he didn't laugh like I did."
"It was more of a nervous laugh then he says 'that's actually pretty f**ked up.' Then I started to think about all the stuff I actually do remember from my childhood and realized how shi**y it really was. I have two kids and it was never a thought to ever pick them up by their hair."
BUFUByUsF**kYou
Signs
"When I was 7, I came to the realization that if I showed any signs that I was in a good mood around my mother, she would find some reason to yell at me. Even started testing it, would walk into rooms she was in smiling vs not and proved my theory right, so I just stopped smiling, and it didn't take much longer for it to stop being an act."
LegendaryMuffins
In the Garden
"I live in England and my uncle's neighbor had a pet monkey living in a big enclosure in his garden. This was in the early 2000s. I assumed this was totally normal. No idea how he got it. We still know those neighbors and it's just never discussed."
BassEvers
When in England... stay out of trouble.
Be Free
Arrested Development Crying GIF by HULUGiphy"Not being allowed to feel or express any type anger or sadness."
Exotic-Counter5112
"Unless someone died it was, 'I don't want to hear it. Go to your room, close the door, and bury your face in a pillow until you're done,' or the worse, 'I'll give you something to cry about' followed by whooping."
BigDamnHead
Bye Mike
"Having no food in the house and little to no adult supervision while random men come and go from my mothers room."
"I'm legit impressed I nor my younger brother ended up taken or worse. It was kind of miserable, in hindsight, because some of these guys would come back with some fast food for us and hang out for a bit talking or playing video games. Magic Mike was super cool and I still miss him. :( "
Donequis
Sorry
"Thought it was normal to constantly apologize over even the slightest little f**k-up so I don't get screamed at. I still have this problem today."
CagedKage
"Not me, but my wife. I used to just reassure her that she didn't have to apologize for everything, but that didn't help her to distinguish when it was appropriate or not. Now, when she says 'sorry,' I ask what she's apologizing for, and it seems to help her a little. That being said, she apologized last night when the dog tripped me."
I_used_to_be_hip
Ouch
It Hurts Sal Vulcano GIF by truTV’s Impractical JokersGiphy"I remember my sister had this fake belly button ring she showed my dad. He immediately ripped it out which was quite painful. I asked if he even knew if it was fake and he didn’t. He thought it was real and did that."
Intelligent_Bug6515
Rages
"Parents having blackout rages. Sometimes, I was a brat. Other times, I had done nothing wrong. I just remember being made to feel like a worthless loser, screamed at, and manipulated. Then the next day, they would say 'Sorry sorry sorry' This happened a lot. Eventually, the sorries mean nothing and you begin to feel actually worthless."
DistractedDreaming
Oh how the times do change. We're glad folks made it out of most of these situations!
Do you have anything to get off your chest? Let us know in the comments.
So many people love to go natural.
Nudists have been trying to make us see their ways for decades.
For some, sleeping in the buff can be one of the best ways to sleep.
Sheets cool on the flesh is such a great feeling.
Redditor Etore_the_not_smart wanted to hear from all the people who love to slumber in nothing, so they asked:
"People who sleep naked why do you sleep naked?"
I am a nude sleeper.
It changed my life.
Good Thinking
Think About It GIF by IdentityGiphy"My husband sleeps naked."
"I asked him: Dude, what if there’s a fire and we have to just run out???"
"He said: Well, my pajamas won’t catch fire… because I’m naked."
"I had no valid argument. So, there’s that."
upeepsareamazballz
So alas...
"I hate clothes. If I could choose to just never wear clothes that would be ideal. Unfortunately I was born with pasty, ghost skin and I freeze in the winter even in clothes. So alas I will keep wearing them outside the house and get nude as soon as I get home. When I am at the beach with my pasty a** ghost skin, I wear long sleeve rashguards, swim leggings, and a giant sun hat because again, pasty ghost skin. Cute swimsuits are for indoor pools imo!"
crazypurple621
Hold Me
"Home security. Any person who breaks into my house will have to deal with a balding, hairy, naked man running at them and yelling 'I JUST WANT TO CUDDLE!'"
Foraxenathog
"It is one thing to get your a** kicked after you break into a house. It is a completely different thing to get your a** kicked by a naked 40 year old with a beer belly."
Brummy1833
"That's way too terrifying to be honest."
ThickSteak6328
The Slam
"I don’t like the feeling of clothes getting all bunched up as I toss and turn at night like I normally do before my sleep wrestling starts. My wife says that I will suddenly body slam the mattress with my upper torso in the middle of the night at random."
GreyTigerFox
"My wife just calls it a 'Whale Breaching!'"
MaelstromFL
Free
In Bed Hentai GIF by ROSALÍAGiphy"It makes me feel free and comfy."
Mountain-Safety2099
"If I wear clothes, they get all knotted and twisted up."
PolyGlamourousParsec
Comfy on the skin is a must for most folks, it seems.
Natural
Scary GIF by Imagine DragonsGiphy"I was born naked."
JackIbach
"We come into this world screaming, naked, and covered in blood. Play your cards right and it doesn't have to stop there."
moratnz
Everyone Do It!
"It's too hot where I live. Plus it's good for your private parts health, especially for females."
ramzay_
"I always slept naked and turned my ex wife onto sleeping naked when we first met. She never did before. She said she was worried spiders or snakes would crawl into you know where"
"I explained that this wouldn’t happen, and she realized how wonderful sleeping naked is. From what she’s told me, she still does."
"Everyone should sleep naked! Clean sheets against your skin are the best feeling ever!"
RonaldTheGiraffe
It's a Crime
"Wearing clothing in bed just feels... wrong. I'd feel claustrophobic. Plus it's just such a delicious feeling to climb into high thread count cotton sheets and a down comforter - I don't want anything interfering with the sensuous pleasure of it."
Dibiasky
HEAT
"It’s more comfortable. I run hot. I hate the idea of adding more clothes to my laundry. And if someone breaks in, I’ve always imagined a naked hairy man with a hatchet will make them double think their decision. (Hatchet in nightstand)."
Cool_Story_Bro__
The Feels
"Sensory issues. Clothes feel weird on my skin when I’m lying on a mattress. They bunch up, they stick to the skin, they rub against the sheets and twist when I move positions. Plus I get hot very easily. Cannot stand sleeping with clothes on."
SentimentalApathy
"Same. Can’t handle the friction of fabric on fabric. Can’t stand when my clothes get twisted because I toss and turn. If I must wear clothes, the only thing I can somewhat tolerate is a sports bra/stretchy cami and panties."
lollipopfiend123
Crazy
relaxing ranveer singh GIFGiphy"I'm 42. Till about 5 years ago I thought everyone (well about 95%) of people slept naked. But I was wrong. I think the question should be why do people wear clothes in bed?! Crazy to me."
WholeRevolutionary22
Tangled
"I get tangled in my jammies and sheets."
"It feels nicer."
"I have a naked woman beside me and cuddling feels way better naked."
4angrydragons
Well that settles it, these folks make some good points.
But what do you think? Let us know in the comments below.