Yes, love is a splendid thing... until it's not. Sometimes forever is just not in the cards. And often the story should've never begun. We have to learn to recognize when our "love" story has turned toxic. Couples go through ups and downs sure, that's why it's always a good idea to visit a third party, not sexually, but visiting a therapist is always healthy.
Sometimes an outside ear can bring it all together. And they can also let you know when it's time to run. They know the signs.Redditor u/Gnerdy was hoping some therapists out there would share with us about the times when they knew they were treating couples that may be beyond help by asking.... Couples therapists, without breaking confidentiality, what are some relationships that instantly set off red flags, and do you try and get them to work out?
Options
I'm not a therapist, but my therapist straight face told me that "there are worse options than divorce".
Got divorced and it was the best thing that happened to me.
Choose for Us
One partner says they're seeking your services to help them determine if they want to stay together; the other partner says they're seeking your services to make it so they stay together.
Then it's about highlighting the points and allowing the person who is on the fence decide what they want, since the other person knows.
Edit:I am sorry to be reading about how many people experienced being the person who wanted to stay together when their partner was unsure. I hope that, whatever happened, you have found or are finding happiness again.
The Cousel
I saw a couple that was doing "retaliatory" cheating (and telling each other about it). When they got through their anger, they decided to call a truce and made peace. With their level of emotional maturity, I doubt it lasted. I don't know if I helped them or prolonged their suffering.
It was their decision to come to counselling, so I think it was the help they wanted.
Other clients realize what they really want is "divorce counselling". What's the best way to behave civilly and minimize damage to the kids while we go our separate ways?
They're Wrong
Argue Sesame Street GIFGiphyPeople who approach therapy with the idea that they must convince the therapist that they're right and their partner is wrong. Almost like they're complaining to a parent or boss to have them sort out the problems.
Remember When....
Relationship therapist here.
One of the biggest red flags I see when working with a new couple is when they've totally forgotten the good. Part of relationship therapy is reconnecting a couple with what they like about each other, what initially attracted them to each other, and what the positives are between them.
When people come in and they've been so unhappy for so long that they actually can't remember what it was like to be in love, or to even like each other, they're just about hopeless.
You don't have to be happy for therapy to work--but if you can't even reminisce about the good times, then the good times are probably over.
EDIT - This is clearly resonating with some folks, so I'd like to recommend a book. If you find yourself in this situation, check out "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson. She gives some solid explanations of how people get into this cycle, as well as some suggestions on how to try and navigate it.
See One Another
When I see a couple in which one or both of the members are seeking to change something fundamental about the other person. We process where the need for the change comes from and the person with the issue evaluates whether it's a dealbreaker for them or not. We work on acceptance and tolerance of others. I also recommend my couples are also in individual therapy on their own.
Pleading the 5th....
I was in couples therapy. At the end of the first session, the therapist asked us to say one nice thing about each other. I went first, said something nice about him. Therapist asked him to say something, and he replied "My mother always told me if you can't say something nice, say nothing.
So I'll say nothing".
Felt so sorry for the therapist.
And yes, that's when I started planning my exit. I am now very happy in a new relationship and my "revenge" is to be living my beet life. Very happy now. :).
Lost Peace
mad rainn wilson GIF by T-MobileGiphyContempt. When I experience true contempt from one in the relationship I know it is usually over. Look towards a peaceful ending at that point if possible.
The Fiancè
Not my client, but I had to watch as my own roommate dealt with her fiancè.
He was: A. controlling her (physically/activities/financials).
B. continuously dismissing her feelings/assessments/opinions (fiancè would revert to baby talk, speaking to roommate like she was an uneducated child, "daddy knows best" type of gaslighting garbage).
C. trying to hide his narcissistic tendencies behind his "good church boy" exterior.
This was all happening in my condo while she was waiting to move out and marry him. I usually tried to stay out of their issues, but one afternoon I softly encouraged her-- saying I agreed with her re: an argument I'd witnessed earlier in the day-- she came back that night after the fiancè convinced her that." I was jealous and was trying to break them up so I could have him..."
She barely talked to me again until she moved out. Sadly they did get married, have 2 kids, and she's a completely isolated stay at home mom. I don't even want to imagine what it's like for her at home.
Mean It...
ava duvernay couple GIF by OWN: Oprah Winfrey NetworkGiphyIt's very easy to work out when one person knowingly prioritises their own wants and needs over their partners. Relationships like this are often doomed because the person simply doesn't care enough to make any meaningful change.
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Redditor wanted to hear about life in the recent past, so they asked:
"People born before 1990, what trivial skill do you possess that no one uses anymore?"
I had no skills in the '80s.
I was too young.
So tell me about history.
R We There Yet?
"I can re-fold a map correctly."
JungleZac
"I came here to say Reading a Map but yes, also how to refold it! I routinely amazed coworkers by remembering how to get to lunch spots without GPS after just one visit."
raulduke1971
"Yes. Yes. YES!! And how hard could it be?... if anyone bothered to notice or think or remember how it opened in the first place."
Far-Experience5137
I Remember
"Remembering phone numbers."
GreatMillionDog
"I remember the numbers for every house I lived in growing up, the phone numbers of the houses of my best friends from 7th grade and before, my grandma, and my first cell phone number. I've been married nearly five years and have no idea what my wife's phone number is."
AllModsEatSh*t
Tick Tock
"Being on time because you can't call and reschedule."
Sindertone
"I feel like you just always had an idea that plans could fall through, and were a little more excited when they didn't fall through."
"This is why there used to be more bars in restaurants, so you can wait for the rest of your party and have a drink or two, and I guess if they don't show your order there and enjoy a meal anyway or go to plan B. People also used to just meet at someone's and go from there, more so than they seem to now."
thatissomeBS
Classics
Vintage Read GIF by US National ArchivesGiphy"Using the Dewey decimal at the library."
FunStorm6487
"Still a relevant skill. If you search for a book, you're given a call number and you need to track it down."
heck-ward
Dewey who?
I have never fully understood any of it.
That's me though.
Developments
Looking Good Red Room GIF by BounceGiphy"I can develop and process photographic film and enlarge prints in a dark room."
Glade_Runner
"I took a class in high school that did this. Was fun!"
sjk8990
The Master
"Record to tape from the radio. Trying to make sure to not get the DJ/presenter talking sh*t or an ad."
Gankstajam
"I was a 'videotaping from TV' master! My anticipation of the end of commercial breaks was amazing, especially since you had to start the recording just a moment prior to having a cue that the show was coming back.
Of course, I was always screwed by those random late-night News commercials and the random extra-long pauses"
Maliluma
Hold On
"Using your shoulder to hold a telephone up to your ear while doing multiple other things at once. Now, the phones are so damned small I drop them."
Regular_Sample_5197
"Before cordless phones got really cheap, I walked around the house with a super long phone cord. My parents got sick of tripping over it, so they saved up and got me a cordless phone for Christmas."
"That phone lasted for so many years. They got it when I was a freshman in high school and it was still going strong when I graduated from college. I don’t know when or if it stopped working, but my parents switched to a phone with more features."
ZoraksGirlfriend
Glitches
"I outright destroyed Super Mario Brothers in almost no time flat very recently on Nintendo Switch after not having played it for probably 30 years. I did it totally from memory on just the second run-through. I even hit the multiple 1-up glitch on World 3-1. My kids thought I was a god (for just a few minutes)."
all4whatnot
"I grew up playing on the Super Nintendo. My son is old enough to play. The look on his face when I bomb through a level is priceless. Mama’s still got it, kid. He’s smart though. Kicks my a** in Mortal Kombat."
exWiFi69
SCORE!!
Sport Lol GIF by TikTok FranceGiphy"I can keep score in bowling."
sodangshedongerI
"took bowling as phy Ed in college. In the final exam we were given 10 lines of scoring and we had to score each line and add it up. 8 out of 10 was an A."
Qnofputrescence1213
Bowling is an art.
And keeping score is a gift... that I have never unwrapped.
