Prison is a horrifying place. It is brimming with society's worse. And the people who work and patrol those prisons are living in fear on the daily. Now not everyone is pure evil but plenty are, and those who keep us safe from these people lay their loves down, probably with not enough pay. Imagine spending day in and day out with murderers and lunatics? No thanks.
Redditor u/codywinters327 wanted the security workers of prisons and jails to disclose... Correction officers of Reddit, have you ever met an inmate that was actually a very nice person but did absolutely horrifying crimes? If so what's there story?
Now evil is too much...
Former CO here. I had two guys in my unit that strangled their newborns when they wouldn't stop crying. One of them was drinking and trying to watch a hockey game. His daughter wouldn't stop crying, he got annoyed, walked over and just choked her until she stopped. The other guy's story was somewhat similar, but I cant remember the details. They were both porters in that housing unit.
They were doing a lot of time, can't remember exactly how much they were given. One guy was already at year 16. Probably two of the nicest guys I met while on the job. They didn't come off as crazy degenerates and seemed like genuinely nice guys. I used to stand in the day room and have some interesting convos with them and their little crew they called the "trailer trash circle" or something to that effect. elvalko
Where did life go wrong?
I tutored in juvie. One of the boys had murdered 3 people for a gang initiation and when asked, had absolutely no remorse for it. He was a very nice, polite, and intelligent kid though who would draw me little pictures and always tried extra hard on his creative writing assignments. Had a very good sense of humor too and often made everyone in the room laugh and smile. I honestly had trouble reminding myself that he was a cold blooded murderer. Gimmemyspoon
My dad worked as a doctor in a prison for a short time, came back with lots of stories of the inmates. He said he talked to one guy who was always friendly and chill, found out the guy had a life sentence and asked the guy why he was in prison. The guy said he had a bad lawyer. My dad looked up his information later on and it turned out he had murdered his own daughter. So yea, never judge a book by its cover. jasta85
Such a delight?
Not a CO but worked in a psych ward, in this case the guy went to prison and was eventually stepped down to our psych ward. He had stabbed his dad multiple times and killed him. He was with us for around a year so I saw him 5-6 times a week, anywhere from 8-14 hours each shift. He was so kind and polite. You would never think he had done anything remotely shocking. When his relationship with his dad would come up he would talk so calmly and normally, no real hatred or anger... yet he murdered him. If there were ever fights on the ward he would look out for staff and other patients. I won't lie, he was a delight. MsVanjee
Love & Marriage?
RN here, I've taken care of a fair amount of detained prisoners that have been admitted to the hospital. I usually ask them what got em locked up cause I'm nosy.
I had one super pleasant middle aged guy tell me his story. Apparently he and his wife were going through or had gone through an ugly split. They were already separated when someone broke into his house with a weapon intending to hurt him. He wound up killing the guy in self defense (I assume he had a gun or something), but not before he found out his wife had arranged it.... she hired a hit man to come kill him. But, instead of going to the police after, he went to his wife's place and killed her outright.
Super friendly guy though. No idea how much of that was true but that's definitely the craziest story I've heard from an inmate. AwfulK
Two stories in one, I worked as a CO for a private prison in TN before I moved with my fiancé to VA, one of our units had a guy who was always generally nice and respectful, he was the stand up comic of the group in that unit. He would speak with any new young guys that came in, led the prayer group for guys on Sundays in the dayroom etc etc. My last day in the state before I moved, his name was on the news, turns out he was in jail for vehicular manslaugter while driving under the influence of meth, needless to say I was quite shocked by the crime because he didn't seem to be that guy.
The other story comes from when I was a student in community college, I got the chance to do interviews on death row in TN, most death row inmates were the most respectful and honest men I've ever met. We wouldn't speak about their cases due to legal reasons that could cause problems with their appeals but we would ask a questions about their lives and families. One of the guys was a phenomenal artist, you could give him a picture of something and he would draw it out with pencils, it would look exactly like the picture you had given him. People still look at me in shock when I tell them that death row was the most calm and chilled time I've ever spent in a corrections environment, I even felt the safest working with these gentlemen in their unit because they policed their own behavior. TimberWolf1942
It's a cast of characters...
Former CO, current Probation/Parole Officer who still works overtime as a CO. At the end of the day, all the inmates and offenders I've dealt with are still people. I've seen a group of hardcore gangbangers crack up laughing at another guy farting. I've listened to a convicted murderer have very passionate opinions about television and George R.R. Martin books. I've only met one or two inmates who were the kind of shark-eyed sociopath that movies make it seem like prisons are full of. Inmates are tough and ruthless, but an overwhelming majority just want to do their time. The_GreenKnight
Need a tissue?
Ex CO here. Had a man who shot and killed one state trooper and shot another in the groin. He sat as a sniper in the woods and shot the troopers through the windows of the barracks. It was premeditated and he nearly got away with it. He was on FBI most wanted list for a good 2 months. The Marshall's caught him as he was getting ready to take off on a hangglider. Anyway, he was the most mild mannered inmate I had met.
Always reading, never turned down his hour for REC, always finished his plate, etc. Anyway I was doing an escort with another officer to take him to visitation. He was to wear double locked shackles and cuffs when not in his cell, even in the showers. I was holding his arm and assisting him so he wouldnt trip and I felt his bicep flex and he just stopped walking and looked at me. I realized at that moment that he could overpower me without much effort, shackles or not. Turns out he just had to sneeze... My point is that whether someone is mild mannered or more primitive has no effect on human capabilities. Cold blooded killer. For a more accurate picture I am a 5'8 125 pound female. jcal4106
Corrections nurse here. Never interacted with this inmate, I just see him out on the yard as I come in to work. He collects bread crusts and I always see him feeding the birds, and the birds trust him and fly straight to his hand to eat. He looks like a nice enough guy from a distance, and birds only land on the hands of Disney princesses, right? Well one day I caught him in a moment: A particularly fat pigeon landed on his hand and bent down to eat. He closed his fist on the pigeon's head and flicked his wrist to snap its neck. Its body was still flailing as he calmly put it into his pocket and then put out his hand again to feed more birds. I was told he was going to cook and eat it, which made me feel a little better, but still.
And that's what comes to my mind every time an inmate is nice to me. youshouldwanttoknow
Saw them on Dateline!
Not a CO, but I did work in a prison. Lots of inmates were seemingly decent people. One guy in particular was a hitman. He and his story were well-known at the time. When I met him, I had no idea who he was and wondered what he could have done to land in prison. When I found out who he was, I read one of the books about him. That guy was pretty brutal.
Mr. Jones & Me...
I used to be a CO at both the state and federal level. There's a lot of experiences, but one that stuck out to me was when I was a new employee working at the state prison (medium security). There was this guy- an older gentleman, who was very clean and kept his cell spotless. He was polite and never said anything vulgar to me (I'm female, so I've heard it all). One day I was looking over his paperwork, and in the "time to serve" column, it had 999999999- which meant that he had a life sentence (but was eligible for parole). I was curious so I asked my co-worker what the man was in for. My co-worker looked at me and said, "Oh, Mr. Jones? He's in here for a crime of passion. He came home from work and found his wife was in bed with another man, so he killed the guy." thisisnotacat
Obligatory "not a correction officer," but I had a similar job. One of the nicest, most polite, likable inmates that I worked with was serving time for assaulting an off-duty police officer. The officer was in the hospital for months and had/has serious brain damage to where he will never recover and live his normal life again.
If I didn't know the back story and just met this inmate on the street, I would've thought he'd be someone I'd be friends with. He was kind, calm, and funny and liked by all the staff and never would've been pegged as someone who would commit such a crime. However, shockingly enough, he was never sorry about his actions or said he regretted what happened or anything. Maybe his likable personality was just a ruse, but it worked. EightyHM
I Hate Drano!
I was on the other side of the bars, but I'll say this ... most inmates are genuinely really nice people.
When I was in jail, I met a great guy. He poured liquid drano on his neighbors but when he wasn't a complete psychopath? He volunteered at a soup kitchen and played piano at the community centre. Super friendly, charming, funny, good cook. The guy was a model citizen, except of course for the trying to kill people with house cleaners thing. niagaraphotos
No knives please....
Spent a few years as a C.O., the interesting thing is that the more violent a crime was, the more polite the accused seemed to be. Had a guy who stabbed his GF over 20 times and he was ridiculously polite and kind to the staff. The real pains in the butt types were the inmates that were there for some petty stuff. ziggyzoo
My best friend was a Corrections officer, he is now in investigation, but he had a guy in his block who was convicted of murdering a college girl who lived in his apartment complex. He said the guy seemed like a nice guy and didn't seem too weird until you were around him a lot. Once around him he realized this dude was a complete piece of work (Psychopath and/or Sociopath). He would be nice to officers and it would work up to being creepy nice. If ignored for to long he would even hint at telling him and other officers where the girls head is located. Yes, he dismembered the girl and so far they have only found half of her body parts. It's been well over 5+ years. berrien88
Work in a local jail and had a 70+ year old man in a segregated unit (based on crime, medical status, and other factors). Talked with him on numerous occasions and is/was a very respectful man to everyone. He was very well known and liked in the local community, was a local barber for years. Well the crime in question turned out to be first degree murder. Apparently he found out his wife was cheating on him and spending his money on drugs and other things and keeping it for herself with the plan of leaving him penniless for someone else. Dude caught wind of it and followed her out to a gas station and put one in her head point blank. Showed no remorse and openly admitted to doing it to anyone who asked. Was a really nice guy though.... oif2010vet
Never a dull moment.
Worked as a CO. Two guys stand out. One was a very affable Russian guy who was always cracking jokes and all smiles all day. First or second week into the job I had to oversee him doing laundry for one-on-one for a few minutes. We were on good terms and cracking some jokes back and forth. He gets serious all of a sudden and asks, very politely, if I would be willing to do him a favor and bring in cigarettes for him. Even as a young dumb guard I realized immediately that he had been manipulating the shit out of me. Turned him down, and sure enough he cold shouldered me from then on. Looked him up and he stabbed his wife 19 times and killed her. Absolute sociopath.
Another guy was #2 in the Aryan Brotherhood in my unit, stars on his shoulders and everything. He was absolutely comical. Would frequently be playing practical joked on the guards, mooning us on tier checks. One of the guards was a half-black guy with blue eyes who our Aryan friend frequently would grant honorary membership into the AB due to his blue eyes and compliment him on being "caramel macchiato." Just a riot. His story is that he was in for something, and while in prison got initiated into the AB. Got assigned a hit on another inmate and followed through by doing his best to cut off a guy's head in the prison yard. Great dude though. Always loved working his unit. Never a dull moment. NeonRedHerring
Former Prison Counselor here. - I had met a guy (same age as me ~24) who got into a terrible accident involving a drunk driver and, to make a long story short, got addicted to heroin.
He seemed like a nice guy. Small-town, good family, his parents owned a local restaurant, but when the pain-relief medical script ran out, he pursued other means to get his relief.
So how'd he get caught? Well, this was his third or fourth conviction. I don't remember his exact criminal history but it was something along the lines of, assault and battery, selling prostitutes, false imprisonment, grand larceny, and other charges.
It totally shook me because this was a guy, who on his personality alone, seemed like he would've been the type of guy I'd be friends with had it not been a prison setting. RealGrills
Just say NO to drugs...
Former CO, had a kid who killed his dad in a Xanax fueled drug haze. Kind wanted money to go to Colorado for his 21st birthday, dad wouldn't give it to him so he stole it. Dad finds out and confronts the kid, poop hits the fan and he shoots his dad, steals his dads fan and bolts. Takes another 5k out of the bank and is picked up a week later in Sterling Colorado.
Got to know him in his pre trial detention/sentencing. I was was only 5-6 years older than him and kept thinking to myself, if I knew this kid in college we would have had similar interests, other than the whole, cold blooded killer thing.
We had another kid who killed his mom and grandma because the lamp in the living room told him to. He was a model inmate until he'd go 2-3 days of refusing his medicine. He did that twice until we got it court ordered, he either takes his pills or we held him down and the nurse injected it. Sasquatch7862
I've got two years in Law Enforcement as a CO in Canada so my experiences are still only few in number compared to what other people might have on here. I remember the first time I ever saw this inmate, I audibly exclaimed "holy s**t" at the sight of him. 6'4, 290lbs bald with tattoos covering every area of his body. Face, head, neck, hands, lips were blacked out, this dude looked mean.
In my head before I started working at the Jail, all inmates were going to look like some variation of this guy. I was pleasantly surprised when the majority of them were below average Joe's. This inmate lived in segregation and had limited contact with other offenders. He was in on terrorism and forcible confinement. I treat every individual fairly and respectfully and this guy was treated no differently. He had great manners and spoke to all officers with respect.
About year later, my girlfriend and I went to the public library in our city to look at cook books and makeout between the racks. It was my first time going to the library and it was quite a shock. Low an behold I saw this man who was incarcerated for terrorism sitting at a table, minding his own business, reading the manga series, Naruto. Everyone's got to have hobby I guess. He didn't recognize me and even if he did he probably would have just given me a nod and gone about his business. RealBurley
People Break Down The Exact Moment They Realized They Were Being Manipulated By Someone They Trusted
Manipulation is designed to be stealthy. We hardly recognize it when it's happening to us because our abuser has forced it to appear under wraps.
But when we recognize it for what it really is, we really feel like we've been smacked across the face. There is no other descriptor for it. Usually we've trusted and loved those that manipulated us.
A Platitude Of Pleasing<p>You never know where the next blowout is coming from. Any time something needs to be addressed, you might try to bring it up once, gently, if you're feeling brave. If you meet the slightest bit of resistance, or you don't feel like that fight in the first place, you just go "okay dear" instead. You find that you'll put the argument off until next time, and hope that whatever you thought to bring up won't have any consequences, because you'll be hearing about those, too. It sucks, and I'm glad you can speak about it in the past tense.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/TheGreatestAuk/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">TheGreatestAuk</a></p>
Wrong Or Right Or Just Not Agreeing?<p>When I started realizing that I was feeling like I was constantly walking on eggshells. I never knew which version of my friend I'd get when we saw each other, or when we hung out. I also just completely stopped disagreeing with them because I didn't want to hear them tell me how wrong I was if we didn't share the same viewpoint.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/WhatArcherWhat/" target="_blank">WhatArcherWhat</a></p>
Being Used<p>My best friend suddenly distanced herself from me. But every now and then she'd call and ask if I wanted to do something, and I was encouraged because I thought it meant that things were still good between us. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that she only called when she wanted to do something that required a ride, since she didn't have a car. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I don't use people that way so I didn't recognize user behavior. You can bet I do now.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/Goldeverywhere/" target="_blank">Goldeverywhere</a></p>
Hiding The Receipts<p>I was living with my former best friend and his gf at the time. When I asked for grocery receipts (I trusted him & his ex to buy groceries bc I didn't have a car at the time + our work schedules were different so I couldn't go with them) and they wouldn't provide any. The only reason I became suspicious was bc they started asking for a ridiculous amount of money for my half and the actual amount of food wasn't adding up. Up until that point they never asked for a crazy amount and I was content with our groceries, but I noticed they became extremely greedy. When I then asked to see a banking statement, they wouldn't even provide me with that either.</p><p>At that point I just realized they were finessing me out of extra money and I started buying my own food. I just bit my tongue bc we only had like 2 months left on the lease. They tried to gaslight me and make me seem like the bad guy any chance they had (almost the entire time I lived with them actually). Eventually, I grew apart from him once I moved away and the only reason he hit me back up was bc she cheated on him so he probably didn't have anyone else to turn to (go figure). We don't talk anymore.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/0MG1MW3T/" target="_blank">0MG1MW3T</a></p>
Ah Yes, Good Old DARVO<p>My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship. She's always encouraged me to tell her what's wrong, however, any time I would she'd immediately go "sorry I'm such a terrible mother, I give you everything you want and it's still not good enough! Why don't you just go live with someone you don't hate?" Keep in mind this happens over small things such as "mom, I'd appreciate it if you'd knock before coming into my room. You know how easily I startle and you barging into my room really upsets me"</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/paytonc0510/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">paytonc0510</a></p>
How Do You Do This To Someone<p>8 years into the relationship. As we're sitting down he explains to me that the "first couple years" we were together he only saw me as a place to crash and free rides, but he loved me NOW, and even though I accomplished all the goals HE set for ME so we could get married he said "I never really thought you could do it". Oh and also you got fat, but don't worry we can fix it! It was like a magic veil lifted and I finally saw who he really was. F**k you James.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/DoNotUseOnHumans/" target="_blank">DoNotUseOnHumans</a></p>
Be My Friend And Not Theirs<p>She always managed to make me do things I didn't really want to do but the last straw was when she decided I had to stop being friends with two mates of mine over something stupid that offended her. </p><p>Cut her off over that and she then proceeded to act derisively ("you'll come back"), then badmouthed me and then begged me to take her back. Ten years later I am still friends with those two guys and she's still out of my life.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/FatherTedHackett/" target="_blank">FatherTedHackett</a></p>
Victim Time<p>When literally every time me and my mom talked she played the victim.</p><p>I was trying to help her raise me, ask me about my grades and stuff. For her I just existed, she wasn't responsible at all.</p><p>I grew up watching her play the victim to others, and I was always on her side, cuz she's my mom you know. Also I never really understood what was going on.</p><p>I started getting older and older, and seeing sh*t after sh*t she did. I understood what she did to my father, to my step-dad, to my sister, to her friends.</p><p>Probably I'd be the next one who she would use and throw away.</p><p>I talked to her... and you know the result. The victim. Nothing it's her fault.</p><p>The last time we talked, I was expecting the victim card. When she started speaking, I already knew what was going to happen. I didn't even said a word, I just agreed with her, and the next day I moved out. I'm not wasting my time.</p><p>It was the last day before quarantine, I remember it as if it was yesterday. Friday night: saturday morning I was packing my stuff.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/NotFromHeel/" target="_blank">NotFromHeel</a></p>
Sixteen Years Of Made Up Lies<p>After 16 years of marriage I realized my now ex was manipulating me. I would work and take care of the house and if I asked him to do something like get a job or clean up he would stage a mental breakdown and make me feel bad for asking him for help. </p><p>He would play up a horrible childhood or PTSD from the military to make me feel like I need to take care of him. Then would play on his computer all day and smoke while I worked. </p><p>Found out that a lot of his horrible childhood stories were made up and that he never made it through basic training in the military. I am happily with someone now but still catch myself cringing when he does things like cook or clean thinking that he is going to yell at me for being lazy. Meanwhile he loves me and is just doing things to take care of me. I'm working on deprogramming myself.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/HolyCelestialCow/" target="_blank">HolyCelestialCow</a></p>
Sometimes It's The Mother-In-Law<p>Took me until after the engagement to realize that my cheating ex fiancee was trying to browbeat me into submission.</p><p>Anywho, I quickly recognized emotional blackmail and manipulation from my MIL after getting married to a different girl years later due to that experience. I called her out on it.</p><p>She... Doesn't like that. But since my wife and sister-in-law and brother-in-law also recognize it they've got my back.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/engineertr1gg/" target="_blank">engineertr1gg</a></p>
Just as new mothers encounter the sudden, influential developments of powerful hormone changes, protective instincts, and milk production, so new fathers undergo some key changes of their own.
Their socks become exclusively white, climbing higher up the calf than ever before. All their shorts sprout cargo pockets and clunky belt loop cell phone holders. They start to really lean in to their old records.
Regional Laws<p>"Dad, driving past a cemetery: Did you know anyone living in a 3 mile radius of a cemetery isn't allowed to be buried there?"</p><p>"Me: No, I had no idea. How come?"</p><p>"Dad: Yeah, you're not allowed to bury the living"</p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk1d2k?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">TinyLuckDragon</a></p>
For the Face Plant Image<p>"Why do Scuba Divers fall backwards off a boat?"</p><p>"Because if they fell frontwards they'd still be on the boat" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjv4mt?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">hatsnatcher23</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Just told this one to my bf and he still has his face in his hands" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjka0w7?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">sxeoompaloompa</a></p>
A Mammal of Few Words<p>"What did the father buffalo say when his child left for school?"</p><p>"Bison" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjp257?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">TatooineLight</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"LOL" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjp9p0?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">BennuH</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Told this to my brother, he laughed his a** off." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk4cvq?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Type10Civilization</a></p>
Baggage<p>"When I do home improvements I always use my step ladder"</p><p>"I never knew my real ladder" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjlkab?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">DavosLostFingers</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Whoever took the ladder, please return it or further steps will be taken." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjm2htz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">WaldhornNate</a></p>
Woah Woah Woah, We're in Public<p>"Me: I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy"</p><p>"Server: maybe the chicken strips for $6"</p><p>"Me: maybe it does, but that doesn't help my hunger" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjuq78?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">mcnoobs_</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"My husband was facepalming for solid 8 minutes after I read that joke to him." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjnee7m?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Madanax</a></p>
Not Wrong<p>"Two dudes were on a boat with a few cigarettes, but they didn't have anything to light them, so they threw one of the cigarettes out of the boat, and the boat became a cigarette lighter." </p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjkeoz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">OrangeMirrorJuice</a></p>
Watch the News Before Saying This One<p>"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?"</p><p>"It's okay, they eventually woke up."</p><p>"I cringe every time." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk0ej7?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">unicorndreamz94</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"My 10 year old tried this one a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, I had just read news about a missing local girl. 'So I answered that yes I heard about the missing girl' Scared the sh** out of my 10 year old" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjo3ssv?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Aubear11885</a></p>
Got a Million of Em<p>"What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh."</p><p>"I'm sorry but I'm about to say something tasteless. Water."</p><p>"I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. I took a day off."</p><p>"Unfortunately though, I can't really tell these jokes since I'm not a dad. I'm a faux pa."</p><p> -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk9igl?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">WholeGrainMustard</a></p>
G-Pa With the Physics Humor<p>"Why does the movie "speed" have no director?"</p><p>"If it had direction, it'd be called velocity!"</p><p>"-my grandpa, earlier today" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk4wdo?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">ConceptUpset4681</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"That's better than a regular dad joke. It's a grand dad joke." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjkuc30?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">VaultBoy9</a></p>
A Surprising Amount of Elevator Humor<p>"I have a joke about elevators."</p><p>"It works on so many levels......." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk1lrv?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">M0ntgomatron</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Did you hear about the corruption at the elevator company?"</p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"It went all the way to the top." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjkyjrp?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">RandomName222222222</a></p>
Cleaning up is hard enough when it's just clearing a month of dust bunnies. Can you imagine cleaning the debris left by murder, suicide and violence? I have a really great friend who used to do crime scene clean-up for a living. The pay is incredible; it starts at $55 an hour. But there is a much higher cost in mental well being. Death affects you in ways you don't always feel immediately. My friend has stories of nightmares, depression and pain after leaving scenes of horror. Why make all that money just to spend it on therapy? It takes a certain type of person.
***TRIGGER WARNING. CONTENTS ARE SENSITIVE ***Redditor u/MemegodDave wanted to hear from the people who have the stomach to come in after crime and tragedy
to try to bring back some form of normalcy to the location by asking... People who make their living out of cleaning murder scenes, accidents and the like, what is the worst thing you have experienced in your career?
Wrapped Up<p>Dad had to saran wrap a guy's intestines back into his body once.</p><p>Dude had surgery and pushed too hard on the toilet. Dude was fine, according to Dad, just holding himself together on the toilet while a group of firefighters tried to figure out why the hell they were sent instead of paramedics.</p><p><em>Update</em> When he pushed too hard he opened a scar on his torso/ab area and it all fell out onto his lap. Should have mentioned this when I wrote the post. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gko9lq0?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">noblemile</a><span></span></p>
Flesh<p>One that stuck with me was a suicide in a bathtub, we couldn't drain the tub, so had to use a coagulant then scoop up the bloody mess into biohazard bags. Same for the toilet. Another was a suicide by gun in a basement full of boxes which was a nightmare to clean as even the smallest bit of flesh had to be found and cleaned up. The smell of the smallest piece of flesh meant the job wasn't done until it was found. </p>
Walk Away<p>Medic here, first responder to a motorcycle collision. Guy who crashed was a friend. He'd been torn in half and almost decapitated.</p><p>Had to walk away from the scene and let my driver and another crew handle it. Think about it daily. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gko4y58?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Sabre-23</a><span></span></p>
All over the House<p>I posted this on another thread so just copy and pasted it but this was one that I had to do</p><p>Clean up after a murder. It was a rehab house for ex cons, 4 bedroom house with communal bathroom and kitchen. Sunday morning and guy A is in his room listening to music pretty loud, guy B is in the kitchen cooking his breakfast, B knocks on A's door and tells him to turn it down, there's a small argument and B returns to his breakfast and A turns his music up. So B grabs the biggest knife in the kitchen, kicks in A's door and stabs him through his left shoulder, entering by his collar bone. </p>
"ride-alongs"<p>Not a cleaner, but my brother's best friend is a police officer and I heard all about this horrible experience:</p><p>My brother's friend took him on "ride-alongs," all the time. One day, they were responding to a welfare check. This guy's neighbor saw his apartment door cracked open for several days and called the police. They went to check it out and found a college student (18-19) who had shot himself. </p>
Melt Away<p>When I was a bartender, a couple of clients told me the worst part about the job is cleaning melted bodies.</p><p>I don't know the science behind that, but from what I understand is if a body stays for a while in a certain condition of temperature and humidity, it melts. And those guys have to remove that person's remains in buckets. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknsqfm?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Kaynny</a><span></span></p>
Audrey<p>I had a great uncle who helped clean up the bodies left behind by hurricane Audrey in 1957 and he said that the smell persisted in his nose for weeks after. It got so bad that he went to the doctor to see if they could do anything and they clipped all of his nose hairs and the smell went away. It was explained to him that the smell had soaked into the hair but I don't claim to know the validity of that statement.</p>
Hazard<p>One of my first jobs after moving I did this, and the job that had me walking wasn't even a scene as described. We did all types of hazmat cleans and the worst was actually a couple went on vacation and came back to backed up sceptic. Think about 1 ft thick hard dried out crusty sceptic waste spread throughout the entire 1st floor of a house. Not going further into detail here. Was nasty.</p><p>Septic, not sceptic. On break and mobile, so yeah... </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknvzn8?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Kamenovski</a><span></span></p>
After the Crash...<p>Working for a tow truck driver that get the calls after crashes. The worst one for me was a family of 6 coming back with over 10 pizzas for a baseball team. It was a head on with a tractor trailer (18 wheeler). The ambulance took the bodies away of course, everyone died but one little guy. There was so much blood and vomit, diapers, toy dolls covered in blood, the pizza was everywhere inside of the car like 2" thick on everything and all over the road. </p>
Fresh Meat<p>Friend of mine does this.</p><p>His worst was an elderly woman who died in a bath. Skin falls off like long cooked meat. So he just saw piles of skin/flesh</p><p>God just writing this makes me gag. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknwqwu?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">PlagueDoc22</a><span></span></p>
We all know the telltale signs that something is making us uncomfortable. Suddenly, we begin shaking, either in our hands or knees or toes. Then, usually, sweat starts pouring out of every part of our body, making it look like we just ran through a rainstorm underneath a waterfall. Finally, we lose our regular speech functions. Everything goes out of sync and our words don't match up to what's in our minds.
What's interesting is that what usually brings about these fits of uncomfortableness differs from person to person, as evidenced by the stories below.