Blizzard Use

In my third year flat, my flat mate had this constant need for attention. He'd stand in my doorway or sit on my bed for hours chatting, I didn't mind at first, but it turned into every night of the week without fail and got really, really tedious.

I used to say all sorts like I'm going to chill and watch a film, he'd invite himself to watch it. Got to do my Diss work, he's bring in his laptop to do this.

In the end the only way to get rid of him was to play warcraft while we chatted he'd have half my attention and eventually give up.

Goetre

Thanks, Square Enix

Start talking about a topic that bores them.

Had that one friend living in the same building and visiting me too often and too long. But she kind of detested video games so whenever I started with "When I was playing Final Fantasy the other day..." she always blocked "Oh, look at the time! I have to go! Bye!" and went home for the day.

niida

False Senility

My grandpa used to get up, put on his pyjamas and act surprised that people were still in his living room. Worked like a charm.

Verwarming

Too Awks

My girlfriend and I always act like we're getting pissed at each other and about to fight. No one wants to be around that.

austinflowerz

Irritable Visitors Syndrome

Stomach problems. Tell a guest that

"as much as I'd love for you to stay, I'm about to have serious gastrointestinal distress and I'd like you not to have to experience it with me!"

That has always worked for me.

Jasole37

Tea Time

English here. I have 2 sets of tea mugs in my house, small and large. If someone turns up and I don't want them to be there long, I give them the small mugs and hope they leave when they've finished.

typiclaalex1

It's Down To A Science

If you're British, you wait for any lull in conversation, put your hands on your knees as you stand up and say, "Well then..."

ballsosteele

Panic Isn't Helpful

Say, "Well, it was great catching up with you." Stand up, head towards the door. Yawn loudly.

Although one time this didn't work and I lost it. We had friends come to pick up an item they'd bought. They wouldn't stop chatting. Oh, the questions about everything. I had an appointment 2hrs drive away and I didn't want to be late. SO and I finally got them out of the house but they just stood there now talking about different stuff. I'd said I had to leave. Now. That I might be late. I felt panic. "It was great seeing you." I walked to the car and started getting in. SO was trapped on the doorstep talking to them. I lost it, screaming, "Hurry up (SO's name), we're going to be f-cking late. Get in the car, now." I look up to three shocked faces. SO says, "I'm coming. We're just saying good bye."

Labyrathine

You Don't Have To Go Home But You Can't Stay Here

Play 'Closing Time' over and over again until they get the hint.

bluefactories

Just LEAVE!

My sister comes back from university for the weekend and one her friends gave her a lift home, let's call him Adam. Bare in mind she arrived home at around 4pm. I get home from school around 5 and Adam is still there after inviting himself in as he wanted a quick rest from the 2 hour drive from Birmingham to London.

Anyway, skip forward a couple of hours. It's 7pm, he's still there and keeps saying he needs to leave soon as he is having Friday night dinner at his aunties, whilst my mum is cooking for our Friday night dinner. Finally my dad walks in at 7.30 and is greeted by Adam who he has never met before with his hood up and feet sprawled over the sofa. My bald dad asks why he has his hood up to which he responds wittingly with "I didn't want to make you jealous of my hair." Dad's not happy, but laughs it off.

Eventually, Adam asks if he can stay for dinner, my mother being the typical Jewish mother that she is even though she has only cooked for the four of us can't say no. Now, we don't have a traditional Friday night dinner it usually last around 45 mins- 1 hour so think he will leave after. Oh, wrong we were, he's still here at 11pm and not looking likely to leave any time soon.

Eventually, Adam leaves to use the toilet. At which point my dad comes up with an ingenious solution, someone will phone the mobile and he'll pick up and pretend to be his brother claiming some emergency and we all have to go to his house. So, Adam comes out of the toilet, I ring my dad's phone, he has a fake conversation with no one and hangs up. He tells Adam we have to go over to my uncles whilst my dad puts on his coat. Adam accepts this and start to get ready to leave.

10 minutes later, Adam is still there 'getting ready'. This time my dad say we have to leave now and ushered everyone outside, locks the front door and we head to the car. Adam, gets into his car and just sits there. We wait a couple of minutes expecting him to drive off, but he never does, he just sits there looking at his phone. This is getting ridiculous now, my dad turns on the ignition and drives off. We go around the block and drive back up the road, and he is still there. So my dad parks up in the road next to house and wait 10 minutes to go back when he has finally gone.

We had to run away from our own house to get rid of an unwanted guest, because we are too polite to tell him to f-ck off.

THFCjosh

Apple A Day Keeps Squatters At Bay

In most Arab countries when you get visitors for the evening so not dinner, you start with a refreshment--> then tea with sweets --> finally fruit. So when fruits have been eaten, you should f***ing leave. So if you want people to leave, you give less sweets or bring out the fruit quickly.

Top Night

Drink a lot, pass out, wake up, look around and say "what the f*** are you lot still doing here?". Pass out again. I didn't know I did this but I'm told it worked quite well.

albion32

Exit Contract

As a guest, I try avoid all of this with an "exit contract."

There we are, having finished dinner and chatted for a few minutes. I take a deep breath, shortly followed by, "ah, well, this has been great. Thank you so much for having me, but I should probably get going and let you folks unwind." That's an offer to leave.

Sometimes my offer is accepted right then, in which case I'm happy to go home and resume my life as a curmudgeon. But nine times out of ten, the host/hostess will make a counter-offer: "Oh, won't you stay for some dessert? I made my (insert relevant dessert) just for this occasion." Their spouse will then say something along the lines of, "You really should stay. Susan's (insert relevant dessert) is out of this world."

If I'm not into the dessert, or if I know that Susan is a bad cook, I'll end the negotiations right there. I'll insist that I don't want to become a burden, and then pivot to excuses about my own responsibilities for the next day. Depending on my mood, I might also make a self-deprecating joke about how dessert won't help my (already terrible) figure.

If the dessert is something I fancy, however, I'll make a counter-offer to stay for that course of the meal, conditioned upon the right to leave shortly afterwards: "Well, okay. You've convinced me. But after that I really should be going." The host/hostess accepts, and boom. Contract made.

It's understood that I'm going to demolish Susan's strawberry cheesecake with the extra-thick graham cracker crust, and then bounce. No coffee. No cordials. No half-awake blathering. Just cheesecake and f*** off.

YourTypicalRediot

Rinse and Repeat

I've once tried telling this person I have to study, that they should leave, stop serving drinks, studied and ignored her, cooked and ate a dinner for myself only, hopped into the shower... and she didn't leave.

I had to actually shove her out of the door. In my towel. Even though she was twice my size.

So yeah, I guess shoving them out is the most effective way.

eraser_dust

Minnesotan Kindness

If you're Minnesotan you say "well it's getting pretty late..." and then your guests will say "oh yeah we better get going.." and then you say "Oh but there's no rush, feel free to stay as long as you want" and then you start talking about something stupid for another four hours and then you say "well it's getting pretty late..." and then the cycle repeats itself, the snake eats its own tail.

Edit: but seriously, what my friends and I do is say "I don't want to be rude but everyone needs to get the f*** out of my apartment"

abe_the_babe_

Business Minded

Have some business cards printed up with the simple phrase, " Please Leave", and have someone quietly hand it to them. It's effective and the reaction is priceless!!!

Syka1986

Mr. Clean Approach

I always start doing the deep clean of the kitchen, dishes, taking out garbage etc. I feel like this is usually a big enough cue. And if a few guest do linger then I have some company during my chores and the good ones will offer to help. I'll usually decline and then by the time I'm done they can see how tired I am.

sgong33

Milking It

Well, my mom told me this one, never seen it in practice though.

Back in the day, they had friends that always overstayed their welcome. This was how they apparently made it clear that they were overstaying their welcome.

Whenever the time came that they should really leave, they would say the following to their guests:

"Before we go to bed, we always take a glass of milk. Would you also like to have a glass of milk?"

HansjeHolland