Having someone ask you about your procreation habits is awkward at best, a nightmare at worst. But, it's a trope in romantic comedies for a reason; it happens ALL THE TIME. If you're a young person who doesn't have children yet, brace yourself. The question will probably come up at some point. We got you, though. One Reddit user asked:
What's the perfect response to "So, when are you two going to have kids?"
Clapback Experts Share Their Best Responses To The Question, "When Are You Gonna Have Kids"
Honestly, consider this list our gift to you. Use all the ammo you need from here to swerve your way around that trap of a question. You're welcome. Oh, and obviously we all know how kids get here... Sometimes a little shock value is needed to prove your point.
When he starts making me his Twinkie instead of his Toaster Strudel.
Practice Makes Perfect
My fiancé loves to say "when we're done practicing."
I'm gay, whenever people ask my husband and I that I usually respond with something like "I dunno, we keep trying and trying but so far he just isn't pregnant! But we'll keep at it."
I always used to say "as soon as I get the dismount right".
Most of my aunts stopped asking after I said that. And then there's the one that kept asking how the dismount was coming.
"Oh, we only do butt stuff."
At Christmas about 8 years ago, I was asked "When are you going to give your parents some grandchildren?", to which I responded "Ok, when I get home, I'll just knock someone up."
That was the last time the topic came up.
"We tried this morning, a couple of times on the stairs. Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't want to hear about me having sex with my wife? You should probably stop asking about it, then."
My family liked to ask us this even though we had a stillborn daughter a few years ago. I liked to respond with "I don't know, I guess when we feel like we can afford another baby coffin." Yes its F'ed up, I know, but they stopped asking.
"I find your interest in my sex life... disturbing." It's better if you do it with a Darth Vader voice.
"When the court reverses their decision."
Don't say what decision, or what court. Just leave it at that, and change the subject.
Nobody Said Anything About HUMAN Kids
"I have to get a good fence up first. Did you know goats can jump?"
"As soon as I get bored of traveling, vacations, sleeping in past 8:00am, having extra money, etc."
The Adoption Option
"Actually, we're planning on adopting a highway."
"Next time they're on sale at K-Mart. But we might just buy lawn furniture instead."
They Still Ask
I lost two, maybe three prior to having my daughter. I almost died post childbirth, still have nerve damage and scar tissue to the point that uterine rupture is a real possibility. Some family who know how bad it was still pressure me that I NEED to have another.
I reply that I think my daughter would rather have her mother alive than a sibling. And my husband would rather his wife alive than another child.
They still ask every so often.
Suggest A Position
Yeah, my husband and I, when the situation was warranted, would say "Well, we keep doing it and doing it- doggy style, missionary, reverse cowgirl, you name it and it's just not happening. Any suggestions for us?"
That would usually shut folks down pretty quickly.
"We're trying. Every night before bed, I look her in the eye, tell her I love her, and kiss her on the lips...but so far, nothing."
Just For You, Mom
My mom keeps asking me when she's getting grandkids (she's asking me, her single kid, and not her married son for a reason I don't quite know...). Finally I responded "Mom, if you want me to get knocked up so badly, I'll do it, just for you."
She said "...no thank you..." and had never said anything about it again.