Having someone ask you about your procreation habits is awkward at best, a nightmare at worst. But, it's a trope in romantic comedies for a reason; it happens ALL THE TIME. If you're a young person who doesn't have children yet, brace yourself. The question will probably come up at some point. We got you, though. One Reddit user asked:
What's the perfect response to "So, when are you two going to have kids?"
Clapback Experts Share Their Best Responses To The Question, "When Are You Gonna Have Kids"
Honestly, consider this list our gift to you. Use all the ammo you need from here to swerve your way around that trap of a question. You're welcome. Oh, and obviously we all know how kids get here... Sometimes a little shock value is needed to prove your point.
Food Metaphor
When he starts making me his Twinkie instead of his Toaster Strudel.
Practice Makes Perfect
My fiancé loves to say "when we're done practicing."
Keep Trying
I'm gay, whenever people ask my husband and I that I usually respond with something like "I dunno, we keep trying and trying but so far he just isn't pregnant! But we'll keep at it."
The Dismount
I always used to say "as soon as I get the dismount right".
Most of my aunts stopped asking after I said that. And then there's the one that kept asking how the dismount was coming.
Mission Impossible
"Oh, we only do butt stuff."
Someone, Anyone
At Christmas about 8 years ago, I was asked "When are you going to give your parents some grandchildren?", to which I responded "Ok, when I get home, I'll just knock someone up."
That was the last time the topic came up.
Railing Pun
"We tried this morning, a couple of times on the stairs. Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't want to hear about me having sex with my wife? You should probably stop asking about it, then."
Stillbirth
My family liked to ask us this even though we had a stillborn daughter a few years ago. I liked to respond with "I don't know, I guess when we feel like we can afford another baby coffin." Yes its F'ed up, I know, but they stopped asking.
Darth Vader
"I find your interest in my sex life... disturbing." It's better if you do it with a Darth Vader voice.
The Courts
"When the court reverses their decision."
Don't say what decision, or what court. Just leave it at that, and change the subject.
Nobody Said Anything About HUMAN Kids
"I have to get a good fence up first. Did you know goats can jump?"
Boredom
"As soon as I get bored of traveling, vacations, sleeping in past 8:00am, having extra money, etc."
The Adoption Option
"Actually, we're planning on adopting a highway."
On Sale
"Next time they're on sale at K-Mart. But we might just buy lawn furniture instead."
They Still Ask
I lost two, maybe three prior to having my daughter. I almost died post childbirth, still have nerve damage and scar tissue to the point that uterine rupture is a real possibility. Some family who know how bad it was still pressure me that I NEED to have another.
I reply that I think my daughter would rather have her mother alive than a sibling. And my husband would rather his wife alive than another child.
They still ask every so often.
Suggest A Position
Yeah, my husband and I, when the situation was warranted, would say "Well, we keep doing it and doing it- doggy style, missionary, reverse cowgirl, you name it and it's just not happening. Any suggestions for us?"
That would usually shut folks down pretty quickly.
Instructions Unclear
"We're trying. Every night before bed, I look her in the eye, tell her I love her, and kiss her on the lips...but so far, nothing."
Just For You, Mom
My mom keeps asking me when she's getting grandkids (she's asking me, her single kid, and not her married son for a reason I don't quite know...). Finally I responded "Mom, if you want me to get knocked up so badly, I'll do it, just for you."
She said "...no thank you..." and had never said anything about it again.
H/T: Reddit
War Face GIF
Giphy
Apparently, their sense of humor has no bounds. Curious to hear from drill sergeants online, Redditor darkstalker1000 asked:
"Drill instructors, what is the funniest thing you have seen a Private do?"
The following examples were utterly humiliating, but valuable lessons were learned.
Longheld Punishment
"Had 2 guys get in a fight in our bay during basic. The drill sergeant made them hold hands and pretending to be on a date all week. Only time they could let go of each other's hands was rack time. They ended up becoming pretty good friends."
Confusing Paycheck
"Ex British Army officer here."
"A corporal went on a nine week mortar course and was accommodated (obviously) while he was away. It turned out he knew one of the DS teaching the course and was invited, regularly, to dine and drink in the Sergeant's Mess."
"The month after coming back from the course, he brought his payslip to me with a puzzled look on his face and, embarrassed, explained he didn't understand what it meant and could I help him?"
"It emerged that the Sergeant's Mess had a chitty system - you didn't pay for your drinks at the time, but signed for them and the total bill was deducted from your pay."
"This legend had managed to drink more than his monthly salary both months he'd been away and his payslip was a negative balance."
"I'm sorry Smith, I'm afraid you owe the Army £235 ($327.50) this month."
Asking For An Advance
"Former European Anti-Air Trainee here."
"Recruit spent his first check on alcohol and sex workers, asked his commander for next months check in advance the next day. Instead of having a good excuse prepared to actually succeed in that proposal he blankly told him in front of 80 other recruits why he'd need it."
Eye-Level Reprimand
"I saw a guy post about how he was like 6'3 and his DS was like 5'2, so whenever he messed up the DS would go up to him face to chest and yell 'Elevator!' and the guy would bend down to eye level with the DS and say 'Ding!' and the DS would proceed to look him in the eye while he chewed him out."
Some experiences were downright hilarious.
The Stain
"Not an RDC, but in boot camp I was over the laundry crew. One recruit sh*t himself because he thought he couldn't leave his rack after taps. It was funny at the moment before I realized I had to wash it."
– ScootaFL
Ambush Training
"This was the funniest f'king thing I ever read from u/odomotto"
"Recruit fired all his blank ammo during 'ambush training.' He crawled in ditch opposite where the aggressors were, and started throwing rocks at them. DI came running in middle of the road blowing his whistle and screaming 'what the f'k are you doing?' Recruit screamed back, 'throwing hand grenades drill sergeant!' Without missing a beat, the DI screamed 'out f'king standing.' And walked away."
"My sides hurt and I was wheezing laughing so hard at this when I first heard it!"
These punishments made no sense. And that's why they're memorable.
The Replacement
"When I was in basic, a kid we called 'Albino' shot off a blank round accidentally in the field. The sergeants were pissed and took his weapon away and replaced it with a broomstick for the remainder of the week in the field."
"Man I remember some dude didn't put the sheet on his bunk the right way and had to wear the sheet as a cloak and go to all the other barracks dancing around sing about how he was the 'Catch Edge Fairy' or something. It was pretty silly, he owned it though. He was doing twirls the whole time. This was Navy bootcamp."
– Konebred
Despite how they are depicted on film, drill instructors are people who care.
Like, Beals – a drill sergeant at Fort Knox, Kentucky – who said:
"We provide more than just physical, mental and emotional guidance for them. You are a father, a preacher, a financial advisor, a counselor-you provide so many different services to the Soldier that the regular public doesn't see on day to day basis."
"They see what they see in movies and what they hear about by word of mouth. But you are fulfilling so many roles other than just being a trainer and teaching an individual how to be a Soldier in the Army."
And occasionally, they are having a laugh at the crazy things their trainees do.