As a toddler, I used to LOVE flashing my diaper at people from under my dress. My parents used to warn me that my children would be bringers of Karma.
The memory of that warning flashed through my mind a few years back while I was chasing my toddler through Disney as she speed-ran her way through the splash area stripping.
Nudity is frowned upon by the mouse.
Reddit user ironbolt124 asked:
"Parents of Reddit, what's the most embarrassing thing your child did in public, and what did you do in that moment?"
You will be unsurprised to learn that tiny humans are terrible people.
"This was back in 1998. I live in a fairly small town in British Columbia Canada. It is about 99.9% White people."
"I had my daughter at the grocery store and there was a person of colour at the checkout. My two-year-old pointed at her and said 'Oprah! Oprah!!' ”
"I died. My soul left my body."
"Completely full of grace, the lady laughed and laughed and then said 'Oh I wish I was Oprah!' ”
I Don't Belong
"My oldest had a talent for finding hard surfaces with his head."
"He smacked into a door frame at preschool when he fell off a bouncy horse and had a huge goose egg in the middle of his forehead. Gravity did its thing and the blood in the goose egg slid down his face, blacking both eyes."
"A few days after, he looked like he went 3 rounds with Mike Tyson."
"He was at the airport with his aunt and cousin waiting for Grandma to get off the plane."
"A lady said, 'Oh, you have two beautiful children.' ”
"My son could have said. 'Oh, this isn't my mom, it's my aunt,' or 'She’s my cousin' or something.”
"Instead, he looked up at her sadly with two black eyes and said, 'I don’t belong to these people.' ”
"His aunt hissed, 'You’re gonna get me arrested!' ”
"My wife and I were in Vegas for work when my son was about 3."
"We hired a babysitter so we could go out to dinner. The babysitter arrived as we were changing my son, and the second the hotel room door opened he sprinted."
"It caught the sitter off guard and my son got a good head start."
"He ran down two hallways completely nude with us running behind him before we managed to catch up and grab him."
"He ran by several other guests including a group of young men who were cheering him on. On the way back he repeatedly yelled 'everybody sees my peepee!' "
"In retrospect it's hilarious, at the time it was not."
"My 4 year old walked in on me while I was changing my pad. He was concerned about me bleeding, so I explained to him that I'm ok etc."
"The next day I took him to our local mom & pop toy shop. When we got to the counter to pay he said to the owners:"
“ 'My mommy’s bleeding from her Pee Pee but she' s ok' ”
"They said 'Oh ok. Would you like a bag?' "
"It's the 'oh okay' for me lmao"
"For some reason when my kid was learning the word 'Freckle' it came out 'F*ck you.' ”
"...so we were in line at Starbucks and I was holding my daughter and this lady comes up behind us who had a freckle on her cheek."
"My daughter points right at this lady's face and goes 'F*ck you.' ”
"The restraint on that woman to not say, 'f*ck you, too kid.' "
"If a kid did that to me I would be in hysterics."
"I’d feel bad for the parent, but I’d be roaring with laughter."
Must Be Doodies
"My 3yo son was finishing up swim lessons. I asked him to hurry up and dry off, get his shoes on because I needed to use the restroom."
"Him: 'peepees or doodies, mom?' ”
"Me: 'it doesn’t matter honey, let’s just get our shoes on and go. ' ”
"Him: 'peepees or doodies?' (Loud enough for people to start looking at us)"
"Me: 'we don’t need to talk about that.' ”
"Him: 'PEEPEES OR DOODIES MOMMY?!?!?' (Now everyone is looking)"
"Me: 'can we just hurry please?' ”
"Him: 'must be doodies, then.' ”
When I Grow Up
"When my son was 3 he saw me getting out of the shower and said 'Daddy why are your balls so big?' "
"So we explained to him that when boys grow up their testicles and penis get bigger."
"Flash forward to about a week later. We are signing papers for a lease on a car. My son, very loudly, informs the saleswoman:"
" 'MY DADDY HAS BIG BALLS AND WHEN I GROW UP I WILL HAVE BIG BALLS TOO!' "
"She started snorting from laughter. My wife and I turned red but pretty soon we were laughing too. I think the whole damn dealership heard him."
"Not my child, but my nephew."
"My mom, older sister and I were wedding dress shopping for my upcoming wedding (15 yrs ago). My sister's husband was at work so she brought along my 3 yr old nephew, who would end up being my ring bearer."
"At the bridal place there are mirrors EVERYWHERE."
"As the 3 of us are talking about the dress I was trying on, we realize that my nephew was being too quiet. We look over, and he had his back to one of the mirrors, bent over, pants around his ankles and he was mooning himself."
"I laughed so hard I started crying, but my sister was mortified."
At Grandpa's Funeral
"It was my grandfather’s funeral, and we were all in the church."
"My infant son had not pooped for almost a week. In the middle of one of the eulogies he unleashed a weeks worth of poo into his nappy with the LOUDEST fart."
"It leaked EVERYWHERE and got on my husband (who was holding him)."
"My gorgeous husband took him out of the church and cleaned him up, and when the funeral was over I came out to find my son in a nappy and wrapped in a blanket because his clothes were covered."
"Everyone had a good laugh, but I was mortified for a little."
"My grandfather would have found it hilarious though and was probably laughing in heaven."
Good Save, Dad
"I am the child in this story."
"According to my mom, when I was about 4, I was super excited about learning to read and was in a phase of reading simple phrases out loud everywhere I went."
"I’ve always had a loud, carrying, voice."
"Apparently my dad took me to the grocery store and, while waiting in the check-out line and sitting in the cart, I loudly read off of a tabloid, 'How to get more out of your man in bed.’ What does that mean, Daddy?' ”
"My dad said he felt like the store went silent and everyone stared at him, waiting to see how he’d answer. (I’m guessing that’s mostly just his imagination.)"
"At last, he said, 'It’s for women who are tired of their husbands hogging the covers and want more blanket.' ”
"Good save, dad!"
The complete lack of filter is one of the things that makes kids most appealing.
You know 100% where you stand with them—and it's usually in awkward territory.
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