A family has no one perfect make-up. It really should be a simple concept to behold, but so many people have so many opinions about what they deem right and wrong. But maybe everyone should talk to people with experience on certain topics before they judge. It's a new day and people are realizing that romantic and true love for others can carry to more than one significant other.
Redditor u/AydanZeGod wanted to hear about what it's like to have more than two heads of a household for the little ones by asking.... Children of poly relationships, what was it like growing up?
Dinnertime...
dinner twins GIF by Boomerang OfficialGiphyWhen I was younger I didn't realize mom and dad were poly, but now it's funny to see my friends faces when I say "my mom and her wife and my dad and my dad's girlfriend and his other girlfriend and I are gonna get together for dinner tonight."
just more players on the stage.....
When I was young my folks dated a couple of couples. One was very long term, we were military families but they managed to finagle a transfer together. So wow, that would've been like 8 years at least? They kept in close romantic contact when they separated, but idk if they qualify that as still being together.
They were my aunt and uncle, essentially.
We and their kiddos got sent off to grandparents (theirs and ours) together to give them alone time. It was kinda a given that we'd all see each other every couple days, either they'd come to our house or we'd go to theirs. Not for them to sneak away for sexy time, but just to spend time together and be a family together.
I knew I could go to them about anything I could talk to my folks about and even some things I couldn't. That closeness continued even when my own folks split, idk what standing they had with them after that tho.
Unfortunately, my aunt kinda had a psychotic menopause and we had to go to NC with her.
Nobody knows that I'm still in contact with my uncle tho. Idk how my mom would feel about it. But he stayed a rock for me when my own dad didn't.
Same drama as any other family I guess, just more players on the stage.
Thanks for the Slime....
I had a therapist in a poly relationship and they all 3 had a child together that was around 9 when I met them, 2 dads and one mom.
Unfortunately, they couldn't be fully open about the fact that the 3 of them were in love since before she was born because the one she called dad worked for a religious college and that information getting out at all could have cost him his career, so she only called 2 of them mom and dad while she thought of the other like an uncle that visited every day.
She seemed normal, she liked to make slime.
Too Many Voices....
pole GIFGiphyIt was fine.
The poly part didn't really become known to me till I was 13 or so. The only weird bit was if I was bringing home a friend or someone I wanted to go out with I had to kind of explain what to expect beforehand and some people got weirded out. 🤷♀️
I'm an adult in a monogamous marriage now - I saw first-hand that getting 3 people to come to a consensus on anything was exponentially more difficult than just getting 2 on the same page.
Edit :I just realized too - how I was raised also made me very comfortable with taking about sex and boundaries in a relationship, where I think a lot of me peers were more easily pressured into things they weren't comfortable with.
The Secrets....
This will probably be buried but it happened to my husband who didn't even realize it was happening. When he was a kid his father lived with his mothers, one of whom he thought was his birth mother and the other was an identical twin to her that he just called his aunt. He said it felt pretty normal, he never knew it was poly until much later in his life.
Several years back, his mother had passed away and his aunt contacted him again asking if she could move in with him to have him help her as her caregiver. He agreed, and just before her passing he received a letter from her lawyer (written by the twins and his father) finally explaining everything. Turned out his aunt was his actual birth mother who had kids with his father too before he was born but who had passed away in a house fire.
The mother that raised him was completely sterile and in fact had a hysterectomy at a very young age. He was in complete shock, but said it made sense how close everyone was in the house, despite keeping all the adult stuff behind closed doors. His big shock seemed more the fact that his father kept up two relationships instead of just one, and he was either scared, impressed, or both.
When in the States...
I took a class with a Dr. Awasom at University of Houston - Downtown for a while. He would talk about his childhood growing up in Cameroon in a family with one father and about a dozen mothers. At mealtime, the kids would run a route from one mother to the next, all grabbing a bite from each. He says he was, IIRC, 12 when he learned which mother gave birth to him. When he came to Houston to study, he applied at Rice University.
When filling out the application, he asked for an extra page to provide the names of all his mothers.
In his culture, he was considered to be the reincarnation of his grandfather. At a special ceremony every year, he would offer his grandfather's advice and answer questions on his grandfather's behalf. It was also in his authority to prescribe punishment for his father on this occasion. When Awasom came to the states, he would attend the annual ceremonies by phone.
Edit : Apparently, Dr. Awasom passed away last year. There's a brief tribute to him here:
https://www.forevermissed.com/lawrence-chi-awasom/about
Hard for me to believe there isn't more about him online. Would love to have had his memoirs.
Same Ole...
Honestly I think it's waaaaaaay more boring than most people would think. Most of the time, my mom wouldn't introduce a partner to me unless it was a long term relationship, so most of the time I got the single mom experience. I think the most exciting thing was going out for dinner to meet someone new, and occasionally my mom would date someone who had a kid my age, and we would awkwardly play together while our parents were on a date (as in, we were playing in my room upstairs and a movie date or something was going on in the living room downstairs).
Really for the most part it was so completely average other than knowing my mom had 2 girlfriends and eventually I also got a stepdad. The worst part was around 6-8th grade when kids found out and started bullying me for it, asking all kinds of disgusting sexual questions about my parents (no one wants to think about their parents having sex).
Eventually I learned to just not tell anyone unless we were close and I new they were cool. I only ever had one person I trusted enough to actually come to a family picnic where my mom's partners would all be there. My mom's partners aren't my parents but they are part of my life and my family. They're wonderful and supportive, and have helped me through some horrible dark spots in my life. I'm grateful to have such a wonderful, loving family.
So yeah, not very exciting, I know. But it's my life!
Oh the Hippies....
camping free people GIF by MOST EXPENSIVESTGiphyI grew up in a small town and 1/2 of the town were hippies.
In the 3rd grade one of my friends couldn't go on a field trip because he returned a permission slip with the word "parent or legal guardian" crossed out and signed by the "group representative". Of course in the 3rd grade we didn't know what was going on until my mom explained it to me. But when the kid was told he couldn't go the whole hippie commune came over to class explaining to the teacher how all their kids will be raised by the group and it's damaging if they see a single person as their parent or guardian.
Let's Potluck....
I am 15 years old, and my parents often have potlucks where they invite their partners over. My parents are good people, and everyone they invite over are good people and have become my friends. I also usually will meet their children and become friends with them. It really is just a wonderful environment, but it is very difficult to maintain. More partners = more drama, and a lot of times two people will get in a fight and cause the whole group to split for a while. But all in all it's pretty great.
Edit: this really blew up and there were a few questions in the comments so I figured I would elaborate a bit. My dad is bi and my mom isn't, and the group of partners that they have (called the polycule) consists of well over 50 people, but not everyone is on a romantic relationship. And in any group of 50 people, their are people who can't stand each other. So my parents circumstance is a bit of a special one, but it only leads to meeting more good people.
A Better Person
Kids Swag GIFGiphyCan't really say it felt weird or odd as it was just what I was used to but I think I can honestly say it's made me a more open and loving person, I'm not afraid of being close to people because my parents were always very close with their friends (for reasons that are obvious now but less so at the time).
I also grew up getting to know my parents friends quite well because my parents were very close with them and trusted them enough to look after us, although I'll admit this was probably more so they could have the house free of children. It does mean that I'm still quite close with a lot of them and consider them friends of mine outside of my parent's friendship with them and I also have a few more parental figures to choose from, meaning I can pick the best ones from each to try and emulate.
All in all I'd say I'm a more well rounded person as I got to know a lot more people as family growing up as well as exposing me to many different personalities.
Since '98....
My parents have been a triad since 1998.
It was hard I wont lie, they dated a lot of 4ths who brought their own children into the mix then later break up with them. It was really difficult to constantly have parental figures and siblings come and go. The most being 13 kids and 4 adults in a 2 bedroom apartment.
I am glad though that I grew up with it, I'm poly myself and it was never something my parents encouraged or forced on us. In fact they always say not to try it unless you're a specific type of person. It introduced me to a wide arrange of people and broadened my mind to what family actually is which is the people who love you and make you feel safe i.e. chosen family.
No Need to Explain....
Hey, a question relevant to me! honestly, though, it wasn't super different than any other way of growing up i assume, i just have one extra dad than everybody else. that's just always how it's been, and i never really thought about how 'abnormal' it was until high school. Even then it was more just thinking whether i really cared enough to explain to other people, or just go with a white lie on paperwork or whatever. Biggest difference i can think of while growing up is that there was ALWAYS someone home, which can be frustrating for a rebellious teenager.
What's your #?
tracy morgan bingo GIF by Team CocoGiphyMy mother was involved in a poly relationship for a while when I was a kid. It was very confusing. For a while there were 4 of us kids around, me, the kid of the other woman, and the two kids of the man. We were all pretty confused and resentful. Our favorite joke was "pick a number and wait in line."
Not so Great....
My friend described it as "like going through the stress of your parents divorcing and meeting your moms new boyfriend, but forever".
He cut off his relationship with his parents (and refuses to even call the dude who isn't bio related a family member). He hardly talks about it, but that's the explanation I got out of him.
Swap.....
My parents weren't poly until I was a toddler, I guess? I thought of the other couple as just nice people my mom and dad were close with, they met online and came to visit, they all clicked well, and eventually the other couple moved in with my family. I didn't make the connection they were all together until I was a teenager, I suppose I thought they were all just roommates of sort (though bed swapping and sharing was occurring the whole time!).
By that point, my mom and dad had divorced and so had the couple- my dad married the other woman, and my mother married the other man. My mother has divorced and remarried again, and my father and stepmother are still together, almost 20 years later.
tl;dr in retrospect, it's just kind of an odd situation, but I honestly didn't even realize my parents were poly growing up and now my dad is married to the lady instead of my mom.
Show me costumes....
christian grey anastasia GIF by Fifty ShadesGiphyMy parent were swingers. They went to bondage clubs and things like that. I found out in my late teens, so I didn't really care all that much.
I learned of it through my friend who told me his mom told him that my parents asked if they were interested one night when they were chilling in the hot tub.
Started to put the pieces together after that... All the "Halloween costumes" in that box that I always overlooked... It's weird, but whatever more power to them. Don't think they do it anymore though, they're getting a little too old for that life.
It all depends....
I know 7+ families with poly parents and more with open relationships.
The kids are... kids. Some are great. Some are anxious or manic. It varies by parent and child, not by the poly.
The poly parents that aren't great parents are pretty comparable to the normative parents that aren't great. And the poly parents that are great are pretty comparable to the normative parents that are great.
The biggest differences I can think of are going to be about communication, affection, and love, but even that's just a tendency and not a definitive distinction.
That's my experience anyways.
Kansas....
Had a friend several years ago that grew up with poly parents in Kansas. What he described seemed like a pretty healthy family/upbringing, and I would describe him as a well-adjusted, happy human. I don't think either parent was particularly promiscuous, but throughout the years they would have other partners. He was a proponent of polyamory and had a pretty good way of explaining it - basically no one person can satisfy your everything, so polyamorists have more than one partner that allow them to experience romantic partnership on a fuller level of their being.
Polyamory isn't my cup of tea, but it is possible to have healthy relationships with this lifestyle, including that of a family.
Throupled....
My son is a member of a throuple with two women. The first is his college gf who always had an open relationship, during a long distance period of their relationship he started very casually seeing girlfriend 2 but over time it got more serious and now they all live together. Things are happy and wonderful for them but I really do worry about how the dynamic would change were someone to fall pregnant.
I worry about jealousies and inequalities rising up, but mostly I worry for my future grand babies. The societal pressures and teasing from outside the home as well as possible resentments and issues within the home. I can see how, if things work the way they are planned, it could be a wonderfully supportive and rewarding way to grow up, but you know what they say about the plans of mice and men!
So I actually really appreciate the insight of this thread, I want to be supportive of my beloved throuple but part of being supportive is discussing possible pitfalls in hopes of avoiding them and this has already highlighted some. It's also pointed out some of the positives, so thank you.
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Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.
Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?
But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.
It would be so great to be sure there is something else.
But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.
Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:
"Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"
Sensations
Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy"My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."
PeachesnPain
Recovery
"I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."
"My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."
"It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."
good_golly99
Take Me Back
"Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."
"I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."
rayrayrayray
Free
The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy"I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."
TooReDTooHigh
This is why I hate surgery.
You just never know.
Shocked
Giphy"More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."
Admirable_Buyer6528
The SOB
"Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."
"Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”
1-cupcake-at-a-time
Colors
"My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"
Hannah_LL7
"I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"
huntokarrr
The Fog
"I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."
"I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."
Fluffy-Hotel-5184
Through the Walls
"My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."
"She's quite alive and well today."
Hot-Refrigerator6583
Well let's all be happy to be alive.
It seems to be all we have.
Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.
The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.
Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.
Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:
"People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"
Redditors didn't see these coming.
Shiver Me Timbers
"I’m always cold now!"
– Telrom_1
"I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."
– r7ndom
"140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."
– mr_remy
Drawing Concern
"I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."
– dee-fondy
"Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"
"Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."
– LizardofDeath
Unleashing Insults
"I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”
"It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."
– alanamablamaspama
Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight
"The loose skin is a bit unexpected."
– KeltarCentauri
"I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."
– KatMagic1977
"It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."
– Jaew96
These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.
Shopping
"I can buy clothes in any store I want."
– WaySavvyD
"When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."
– ganache98012
No More Symptoms
"Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."
– colleennicole93
Expanding Capabilities
"I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."
– Ramblonius
People Change Their Tune
"How much nicer people are to you."
"My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"
– LiZZygsu
"Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"
"And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"
– awholedamngarden
It's gonna take some getting used to.
Bones Everywhere
"Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."
– Princess-Pancake-97
"I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."
– bekastrange
Knee Pillow
"Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."
– snic2030
"I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."
– Strongbad23
More Mobility
"I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."
"Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."
– dma1965
People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.
But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.
That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.