Some people are just rotten, and that's no exception for this man who is putting his family through h***. He is pulling all the sleazy stops and no one can believe it!
u/brokenandconfused8 tells us My husband drained our accounts and wants to kick the kids and I out of the house in a week.
This is how it all went down:
HI- they told me in r/relationships that this is illegal, and that you guys would have advice. We're in Ohio. I need a divorce lawyer. On Wednesday, I bought him a f******* Christmas present. On Thursday, I found out he gave me a STI. On Friday, he admitted he's been cheating. Yesterday, he drained our accounts. He says I need to be out of the house by Christmas Eve.
We have four kids, 8, 6, 5 and 2. I haven't worked since the oldest was born. Our relationship has been bad since before my youngest daughter was born - we hadn't meant to get pregnant. This week, I tested positive for an STI.
I investigated, confronted him and he admitted it. We had a huge fight, he stormed out of the house. Yesterday, my credit card was declined at the grocery store, and I couldn't get cash. He has EMPTIED all of our accounts. I was in charge of the bills and finances; I know exactly how much was in our checking, savings and money market account. He's changed his password for his 401(k). He didn't respond to my frantic texts all day, but just sent me an email saying I had a week to get myself and "my kids" out of "his house", and I had better get a job or go "back to my parents" if I expect to feed them. We bought the house together, before the kids were born and I paid half of the down payment. I have no money or credit cards, so I can't even get a lawyer. I am sitting here staring at a Christmas tree, crying and wondering if I'll have to return my children's presents for food.
I have no idea how this happened. I live two hours away from my family, so even if I got a job, I'd have to pay for day care. Should I sell my wedding and engagement rings? Do I make a resume and apply for a job in my old field (accounting) or just get a job at Starbucks or McDonald's? Can he do this?
He simply can't
GiphyDo not move out until your attorney tells you to or a judge orders you out. That house is likely as much yours as it is his, and, if so, he cannot evict you for any reason.
Some important things to cover!
Sorry to hear your SO is doing this, couple of non-financial things to consider:
- change your passwords to your email / private / and social media accounts
- change security questions to your email / private / and social media accounts
- back up your text messages / contacts / pictures from your phone now, in the event SO turns off phone / locks you out of account, disables phone
- consider changing passwords to any child accounts you have ( Facebook, Imgur, etc...)
- I personally recommend taking inventory of household items (pictures and upload to gdrive or Dropbox), in the event they do something stupid like donate everything to homeless shelter. When you have to determine replacement value, you can say: 52 inch Vizio Tv instead of big screen tv
- items that are of sentimental value (like family bible or what not) store offsite if you can
- if you have neighbors who you are friendly with, ask them to keep an eye out on things at the house. Call you if you run to the store and SO shows up and changes locks real quick. Also make sure they have your family friends contact info and under what scenarios you'd like they to call on your behalf
- Always keep your personal identification on you (SSN, birth certificate, ID, passport, etc...), don't let them hijack your identity
- NEVER EVER EVER sign any document without it being reviewed by a lawyer first
- as hard as it maybe, try not to bad mouth your SO, discuss situation openly in front of kids.
as far as getting back into the workplace, some local library systems have online learning access that can help give you a last minute boost to your resume (word, excel, power point online courses)
His timing makes fighting back difficult
The good news: In most every state (if not all) what he's doing is against state statute.
First things first
You need to get an attorney. I'm sure there is some kind of program to help women in your situation. If not, then there is some attorney out there who will be able to help you.
I highly recommend you file for divorce promptly and get temporary orders for child support, maintenance (alimony), temporary payment of the bills (mortgage, utilities, credit cards, etc), and temporary possession of the marital residence started asap.
The odds are against him
GiphyHe can't just kick you out. But if you leave you may give up some rights to the house. Also the court will not like him draining the account.
Go to an attorney tomorrow. Borrow money if you have to.
Cover all your bases
OP I hope you already have, But also be sure to change all of your email / social media passwords and back up your texts. You need to be able to save every form of communication that he sends you.
Think about the kids
Reach out to the schools your kids go to as well in regards to food payment. See if you can temporarily get them on a low income food plan so they do not go hungry if you cannot refill their accounts
Credit card to the rescue
In the short term, you absolutely do not have to leave; and will eventually get access to the money that was in the joint accounts and likely an equal split to the equity in the house. In the very short term; I would recommend getting a credit card in your name alone or asking for help from your parent (putting it into a new account that is only in your name at a totally new bank) to tide you over until your court hearing. The court can also order temporary alimony to help you pay legal costs.
Look at the details
GiphyDefine bought the house together. Are you both on the mortgage, or are you both on the deed to the home?
Unfortunately with a joint account, you both have equal access to the money within it.
Back it all up!
If I were you, I'd take screenshots of literally everything and back them up in at least three different locations, your computer's hard drive in a password protected folder, on some cloud-based service like Onedrive (it's free), and a USB flash drive that never leaves your person. If he deletes it off of your computer AND the cloud-based service, you still have the flash drive.
The mom had an update for us
Let's find out how she put everyone's advice into action:
"First, I want to say that I logged out of this account that evening, and didn't come back until now, and I was BLOWN AWAY by all of the people offering food, gift certificates, or just good will, and I started crying.. again. I will respond to each of you individually.
So, to recap: My STBX is a cheating ass, and he panicked and tried to erase his family.
The update: This all happened on a Sunday, so there wasn't a lot I could do right then. I put the kids to bed, and called my mom and cried. Then, I called my mother in law, who was horrified.
My inlaws came over that night with $200 in cash and a check for much more. My father in law is didn't say much, but he did fix my bathroom door (which is how he shows affection), and muttered that he would "fix this".
I opened a new checking account at a new bank (THANKS FOR THIS ADVICE) with the check my in laws gave me.
I opened a new credit card in my name.
My mother deployed a niece to help with childcare for the next week, I called in a lot of childminding favors, and with the cash my inlaws gave me, I was able to pay the babysitter while I worked this out.
I met with two divorce attorneys- both of them told me about what you had said, that he was legally screwed. I chose one, and we set the process in motion to get an emergency hearing, but by Tuesday, my old checking account had most of the money back, and my husband was asking to "talk".
On the advice of my lawyer, I took half of the checking account money and put it in my new bank, and kept records of everything.
I pulled our credit reports- He has over $40,000 in credit card debt. I also found out, that he received a raise last year, and funneled this money out of our shared accounts. I would have figured this out when I did our taxes, and this led to him panicking and trying to "erase" us.
Keep in mind, this asshole gave me gonorrhea. I am an accountant by trade, and I'm afraid of CC debt the way some girls are afraid of spiders, so I was horrified about this, but my lawyer thinks it's likely that he'll have to have this debt on his own, as my name isn't on it, and it seems that most of it was spent on his side piece.
We have started mediation, which he agreed to when he realized that he would need to pay for BOTH of our divorce attnys.
My goal- which my lawyer thinks is reasonable, is to ask for alimony until I either re-marry (not likely) or my 2 year old is in school full time, and to have a reasonable amount of child support until she's 18, and then we'll split college costs for all of them. When all the kids are in school, I can concentrate on getting back to work.
I also plan to sell the house and buy a smaller house in a less elite section of town. The kids can share rooms, and I can live mortgage free.
So, I'm heartbroken, and diseased, but there's also an incredible weight that his lifted from me. Our marriage has been bad for so long, and I didn't even realize how unhappy I was, and how.. absent by husband was. It took my 5 year old almost a week to realize that Daddy was gone."
Be ready
Save all your text messages. Print them out, give a copy to your attorney, a copy to a trust family member or friend, and keep a copy. Communicate only via text or email if you can help it until you get a lawyer. (Get a lawyer asap on retainer)
Reaching out for help won't be a bad thing. Also, secure any and all documents supporting you co-owning and buying the house.
Put your best fighting foot forward
Giphydon't leave, seek legal help even if you can't afford it, fight tooth and nail for you and your kids' rights to the money you've earned together.
Cover all your bases
Save everything that he has sent you via text or email about taking your kids and getting out. See if your state requires both parties to consent to phone conversations, if they don't and only require unilateral consent, tape any conversations you may have.
You will eventually have to get a job (in most states, I haven't seen what state you live in). Look at your resume and maybe reach out to some friends that are also professionals to review it for you.
Don't sell anything yet, you need Temporary Orders where the Court will tell you what to do. You probably can open up a checking account in your name only, so if you have cash in the house you can deposit it there. I may think about getting all vital and important documents and giving them to a close friend for safekeeping.
Karma is not nice
that dude is so effed, bet he looses the house and has to pay enough child support to cover the mortgage.
Question his mental stability
it may be wise to limit his alone time with your children completely, or at least as much as possible. There have been a number of cases recently of parents killing their children to spite the other parent, and given the level of spite he's already demonstrated, I wouldn't rule anything out.
Given, it's thankfully an extremely rare outcome, and it's most likely just me being paranoid, but I urge preemptive caution all the same. There's no reason to let it be a possibility, and his mental health doesn't sound especially stable.
I have been left utterly bewildered by what some people believe is acceptable thought, conversation, and behavior.
Like... "Do YOU hear you?"
It shows when a person lacks life experience and/or brain cells.
Words expose everything.
And sometimes shock is all that is left to grapple with.
Redditor nlwfty wanted to hear about all the things people have overheard that left them utterly stunned, so they asked:
"What's the most out-of-touch thing you've heard someone say?"
I once a friend's friend moan about how she and her husband were nearly destitute.
Almost penniless.
All while she was straightening up the house for the new au pair they had just gotten from Columbia.
The Who?
Over It Maid GIFGiphy"My boss once told me to have 'the maid' drop my car at the shop. WTF!!"
amboomernotkaren
Be Happy
"'You won't be happier at work if we pay you more, but we need to figure out why workplace happiness is so low.' This coming from a guy that made 10x what I did and was born into old money."
Dirac_comb
"I had a job that was paying below market rates and 'expected' daily overtime (unpaid, natch) and was trying to figure out how to improve morale. They were considering bringing in consoles and having video game nights after work... as if we weren't stuck there too long already."
"I did have the fun of leaving, then being asked to come back as a contractor to help out, and taking advantage of being on a short-term contract and giving no f**ks to suggest that maybe they should consider at least TRACKING the overtime people were working, even if they weren't going to pay for it since there was probably a whole extra job's worth of hours in there and maybe hiring another person might improve morale and reduce the risk of the kind of errors tired people make."
"Didn't stay long as a temp. Apparently telling the truth and discussing facts with your co-workers isn't good for morale >_< They told everyone I was leaving because I got a better offer (!), but I told everyone exactly what was really happening when they asked XD."
princess_ferocious
It hasn't?
"My dad (who is now the Director of Accounting for the school district I teach for) was talking about how my starting pay was way more than his starting pay."
"I said, 'Well, yeah... The cost of living has increased a ton since then.' This motherf**ker straight up said, 'No it hasn't.'"
"He started working there in 1992. This conversation happened in like 2017 (about a year after I started working there). Again, he is the director of accounting."
pjsans
Move On
"'You seem sad.'"
"My mother to my sister, at her husband's funeral."
blarg-zilla
"My sister's son was murdered. Two weeks later my mom asked her if she was over it yet."
NeverCallMeFifi
"One of my sons was murdered 12 years ago. Many people started telling me that I needed to 'move on' after 4-6 weeks. My brother refuses to say my son's name, so I no longer speak to him. Sending my deepest condolences to your family from a mom who understands losing a child to homicide."
PDXer328
Good Idea!
New Girl Facepalm GIF by HULUGiphy“'I don’t know why people get big mortgages. Just save up for a few months and pay cash for a starter home!'"
Hopeful-Moose87
People with money always seem to have a plan, unless the plan is sharing.
FInd the Treasure
Dragons Den Television GIF by CBCGiphy"When people were complaining about not being able to afford housing/food/living in general, one of the Dutch ministers (I think he was a minister or at least the leader of a party) said something along the line of 'well, find a rich boyfriend then'. ah, yes, that will solve the crisis!"
pastelchannl
Dumbfounded
"I went to an Ivy League college with lots of children of extraordinarily wealthy families. When discussing inequality and its effects on housing, my professor briefly mentioned how mortgages are out of reach for a growing number of Americans. The girl next to me stopped the class, and with a confused face asked the professor why people don’t just buy their homes in cash outright because 'surely the interest means it will cost them more over time.' The professor was dumbfounded. I found out later that she is the heiress to a major luxury brand that you have all heard of."
wildblue2
The Increase
"My former landlord and his wife dropped by to tell me and my financially struggling 20-something roommates that they were raising the rent, by nearly 25%. They said, 'We noticed on Craigslist that neighbors had higher rent so we’re doing the same.' The wife then earnestly reminded us that we’ve been great tenants but maybe we just needed to find some higher-paying jobs. 🙃."
agingcatmom
Not Me
"I was waxing a woman’s eyebrows once and she was complaining that sometimes after she gets a massage the pillow leaves a circular indent on her face and she can’t go out to lunch after. She then asked me if that ever happened to me? I was like ma'am I wax people for eleven bucks an hour; I’m not going out to lunch lol, let alone getting massages."
lomi08
Investments
Money Invest GIF by ProBit GlobalGiphy"Something like: Give a rich person $500 and they will invest it into $1000. Give it to a poor person and they will spend it in a week."
"Yeah exactly give it to someone who’s needs are met and they can save… give it to someone who needs to eat/pay rent etc they will spend it to survive!"
ExaminationLucky6082
You need money to make money.
One of life's biggest lessons apparently.
So someone give me some money.
Do you ever wonder what it must've been like to experience major events throughout world history when reading about them in text books?
But if you take pause and actually think about it, we're living through many newsworthy current events that succeeding generations will be talking about long after we're gone.
Reading about them online or in newspapers is one thing. But seeing them happen unfold before our eyes is another.
Curious to hear from those who'll have anecdotes to tell in the future, Redditor "What is the most historically significant event you witnessed IN PERSON?"
People recall the natural disaster events they've witnessed.
Tremors
"1964 Good Friday Earthquake 9.2 Richter. Was a boy in Cordova, Alaska at the time."
– KitchenLab2536
"My father was skipper of the USCG cutter stationed there. He was inport, and when the quake struck shortly before 5:30pm, he and my mom gathered me and my three siblings on the front porch. At first, it felt like the house was crumbling at the foundation, but on the porch we could plainly see our whole world was shaking. I remember watching telephone poles swaying, and the wires snapping and crackling in the street. The quake lasted about five minutes initially. My dad got his ship underway to avoid the tidal wave which was sure to come. We had several aftershocks in the coming weeks, some of which were quite strong, though nowhere near as strong or as long as the quake itself. I was seven at the time."
– KitchenLab2536
Collapsing Freeway
"October 17th, 1989. I watched the 880 Nimitz freeway collapse during the San Francisco earthquake. The Honda in front of me had the upper deck crush her front-end engine compartment. The mother and her daughter were shaken up but completely fine."
"I was driving a convertible Triumph Spitfire, which was scratched up slightly from debris. However, I walked away unscathed. Aside from the fact I pissed my pants, which I didn't notice until much later."
– CatDaddyWhisper
Thar She Blows
"I sat on the roof of our house and watched Mt. St. Helens erupt less than 100 miles away."
– stinkykitty71
"This must have been fascinating and terryfing in equal measure. What a thing to witness."
– runrossyrun
"It was amazing! The ash that covered everything like snow was interesting to kid me, but less so to my parents."
– stinkykitty71
People recall seeing major catastrophes as a result of malfunctions or judgement errors.
Bomber Crash
"The b-52 crash that led to changing what large military aircraft are allowed to do for airshows."
"I didn't see the plane, but immediately saw the fireball. It was just a perfect, bright red turning to black mushroom cloud."
"Fairchild is a nuclear air base and there were a few minutes there where I was sure the world was about to end."
"A few years before a KC-135 doing the same thing crashed near the school while we were in class."
– goffstock
Tragic Takeoff
"I was standing on my front porch watching the launch of the Challenger."
– StarChaser_Tyger
"Was riding in my parents car to a basketball game in the next town over in north texas when we saw a shooting star and thought that was neat."
"It was the Columbia..."
– Misdirected_Colors
Demolition Gone Wrong
"The failed implosion of the Zip feed mill in Sioux Falls, SD in 2005."
"They hyped it up, sold tickets to it, had a big 'BOOM' marketing thing, and broadcast it live on TV."
"The explosives took out the main supports on the first floor, and the rest of the building above it just plopped down 10ft or so and came to a rest. It was a massive failure, and was a funny little blurb on news stations around the world that day. Definitely not major news, just the rest of the world taking 20 seconds to laugh at us."
"The building sat like that (the leaning tower of SuFu) for quite a while until they figured out how to safely demolish it."
"Here's a clip of the failed demolition."
– KitchenBandicoots
These well-known historical events were seen by very few who are alive today.
Historical Remnant
"The tumbling of the Wall in Germany… along with people selling bits and pieces of it on tables in lobby in front of commissary and px in the following weeks and months. I had picked up a chunk about the size of an oreo and kept it… has blue spray paint on the flat side. Wonder if anyone is buying them now?"
– SingedPenguin13
Major Upheaval
"I would have to say the LA riots. I lived about two blocks from where it started. I was on my way home from school and saw someone throw a brick through a window. I didn’t even wait. I just started running the whole way home."
– Scarlaymama0721
Day Of Infamy
"9/11, I could SMELL the collapse of the towers."
– go4tli
"A friend of mine was there. One day in the warehouse we worked in together there was an odd electrical burning smell. He stopped in his tracks and went 'this is what 9/11 smelled like.'"
– mantistoboggan287
I didn't physically witness the fall of the World Trade Center but I was living in New York City at the time.
However, I did see the smoke.
I was living up north in Washington Heights at the time and knowing what happened, uncertain of what was to come, and seeing the plumes of smoke from the attack site was the most ominous sight I've ever seen in my life to date.
Have you ever lived through a historic moment or witnessed something sure to be noted in history books? Let us know in the comments below.