Some people are just rotten, and that's no exception for this man who is putting his family through h***. He is pulling all the sleazy stops and no one can believe it!
u/brokenandconfused8 tells us My husband drained our accounts and wants to kick the kids and I out of the house in a week.
This is how it all went down:
HI- they told me in r/relationships that this is illegal, and that you guys would have advice. We're in Ohio. I need a divorce lawyer. On Wednesday, I bought him a f******* Christmas present. On Thursday, I found out he gave me a STI. On Friday, he admitted he's been cheating. Yesterday, he drained our accounts. He says I need to be out of the house by Christmas Eve.
We have four kids, 8, 6, 5 and 2. I haven't worked since the oldest was born. Our relationship has been bad since before my youngest daughter was born - we hadn't meant to get pregnant. This week, I tested positive for an STI.
I investigated, confronted him and he admitted it. We had a huge fight, he stormed out of the house. Yesterday, my credit card was declined at the grocery store, and I couldn't get cash. He has EMPTIED all of our accounts. I was in charge of the bills and finances; I know exactly how much was in our checking, savings and money market account. He's changed his password for his 401(k). He didn't respond to my frantic texts all day, but just sent me an email saying I had a week to get myself and "my kids" out of "his house", and I had better get a job or go "back to my parents" if I expect to feed them. We bought the house together, before the kids were born and I paid half of the down payment. I have no money or credit cards, so I can't even get a lawyer. I am sitting here staring at a Christmas tree, crying and wondering if I'll have to return my children's presents for food.
I have no idea how this happened. I live two hours away from my family, so even if I got a job, I'd have to pay for day care. Should I sell my wedding and engagement rings? Do I make a resume and apply for a job in my old field (accounting) or just get a job at Starbucks or McDonald's? Can he do this?
He simply can't
Giphy
Do not move out until your attorney tells you to or a judge orders you out. That house is likely as much yours as it is his, and, if so, he cannot evict you for any reason.
Some important things to cover!
Sorry to hear your SO is doing this, couple of non-financial things to consider:
- change your passwords to your email / private / and social media accounts
- change security questions to your email / private / and social media accounts
- back up your text messages / contacts / pictures from your phone now, in the event SO turns off phone / locks you out of account, disables phone
- consider changing passwords to any child accounts you have ( Facebook, Imgur, etc...)
- I personally recommend taking inventory of household items (pictures and upload to gdrive or Dropbox), in the event they do something stupid like donate everything to homeless shelter. When you have to determine replacement value, you can say: 52 inch Vizio Tv instead of big screen tv
- items that are of sentimental value (like family bible or what not) store offsite if you can
- if you have neighbors who you are friendly with, ask them to keep an eye out on things at the house. Call you if you run to the store and SO shows up and changes locks real quick. Also make sure they have your family friends contact info and under what scenarios you'd like they to call on your behalf
- Always keep your personal identification on you (SSN, birth certificate, ID, passport, etc...), don't let them hijack your identity
- NEVER EVER EVER sign any document without it being reviewed by a lawyer first
- as hard as it maybe, try not to bad mouth your SO, discuss situation openly in front of kids.
as far as getting back into the workplace, some local library systems have online learning access that can help give you a last minute boost to your resume (word, excel, power point online courses)
His timing makes fighting back difficult
The good news: In most every state (if not all) what he's doing is against state statute.
First things first
You need to get an attorney. I'm sure there is some kind of program to help women in your situation. If not, then there is some attorney out there who will be able to help you.
I highly recommend you file for divorce promptly and get temporary orders for child support, maintenance (alimony), temporary payment of the bills (mortgage, utilities, credit cards, etc), and temporary possession of the marital residence started asap.
The odds are against him
Giphy
He can't just kick you out. But if you leave you may give up some rights to the house. Also the court will not like him draining the account.
Go to an attorney tomorrow. Borrow money if you have to.
Cover all your bases
OP I hope you already have, But also be sure to change all of your email / social media passwords and back up your texts. You need to be able to save every form of communication that he sends you.
Think about the kids
Reach out to the schools your kids go to as well in regards to food payment. See if you can temporarily get them on a low income food plan so they do not go hungry if you cannot refill their accounts
Credit card to the rescue
In the short term, you absolutely do not have to leave; and will eventually get access to the money that was in the joint accounts and likely an equal split to the equity in the house. In the very short term; I would recommend getting a credit card in your name alone or asking for help from your parent (putting it into a new account that is only in your name at a totally new bank) to tide you over until your court hearing. The court can also order temporary alimony to help you pay legal costs.
Look at the details
Giphy
Define bought the house together. Are you both on the mortgage, or are you both on the deed to the home?
Unfortunately with a joint account, you both have equal access to the money within it.
Back it all up!
If I were you, I'd take screenshots of literally everything and back them up in at least three different locations, your computer's hard drive in a password protected folder, on some cloud-based service like Onedrive (it's free), and a USB flash drive that never leaves your person. If he deletes it off of your computer AND the cloud-based service, you still have the flash drive.
The mom had an update for us
Let's find out how she put everyone's advice into action:
"First, I want to say that I logged out of this account that evening, and didn't come back until now, and I was BLOWN AWAY by all of the people offering food, gift certificates, or just good will, and I started crying.. again. I will respond to each of you individually.
So, to recap: My STBX is a cheating ass, and he panicked and tried to erase his family.
The update: This all happened on a Sunday, so there wasn't a lot I could do right then. I put the kids to bed, and called my mom and cried. Then, I called my mother in law, who was horrified.
My inlaws came over that night with $200 in cash and a check for much more. My father in law is didn't say much, but he did fix my bathroom door (which is how he shows affection), and muttered that he would "fix this".
I opened a new checking account at a new bank (THANKS FOR THIS ADVICE) with the check my in laws gave me.
I opened a new credit card in my name.
My mother deployed a niece to help with childcare for the next week, I called in a lot of childminding favors, and with the cash my inlaws gave me, I was able to pay the babysitter while I worked this out.
I met with two divorce attorneys- both of them told me about what you had said, that he was legally screwed. I chose one, and we set the process in motion to get an emergency hearing, but by Tuesday, my old checking account had most of the money back, and my husband was asking to "talk".
On the advice of my lawyer, I took half of the checking account money and put it in my new bank, and kept records of everything.
I pulled our credit reports- He has over $40,000 in credit card debt. I also found out, that he received a raise last year, and funneled this money out of our shared accounts. I would have figured this out when I did our taxes, and this led to him panicking and trying to "erase" us.
Keep in mind, this asshole gave me gonorrhea. I am an accountant by trade, and I'm afraid of CC debt the way some girls are afraid of spiders, so I was horrified about this, but my lawyer thinks it's likely that he'll have to have this debt on his own, as my name isn't on it, and it seems that most of it was spent on his side piece.
We have started mediation, which he agreed to when he realized that he would need to pay for BOTH of our divorce attnys.
My goal- which my lawyer thinks is reasonable, is to ask for alimony until I either re-marry (not likely) or my 2 year old is in school full time, and to have a reasonable amount of child support until she's 18, and then we'll split college costs for all of them. When all the kids are in school, I can concentrate on getting back to work.
I also plan to sell the house and buy a smaller house in a less elite section of town. The kids can share rooms, and I can live mortgage free.
So, I'm heartbroken, and diseased, but there's also an incredible weight that his lifted from me. Our marriage has been bad for so long, and I didn't even realize how unhappy I was, and how.. absent by husband was. It took my 5 year old almost a week to realize that Daddy was gone."
Be readyÂ
Save all your text messages. Print them out, give a copy to your attorney, a copy to a trust family member or friend, and keep a copy. Communicate only via text or email if you can help it until you get a lawyer. (Get a lawyer asap on retainer)
Reaching out for help won't be a bad thing. Also, secure any and all documents supporting you co-owning and buying the house.
Put your best fighting foot forwardÂ
Giphy
don't leave, seek legal help even if you can't afford it, fight tooth and nail for you and your kids' rights to the money you've earned together.
Cover all your basesÂ
Save everything that he has sent you via text or email about taking your kids and getting out. See if your state requires both parties to consent to phone conversations, if they don't and only require unilateral consent, tape any conversations you may have.
You will eventually have to get a job (in most states, I haven't seen what state you live in). Look at your resume and maybe reach out to some friends that are also professionals to review it for you.
Don't sell anything yet, you need Temporary Orders where the Court will tell you what to do. You probably can open up a checking account in your name only, so if you have cash in the house you can deposit it there. I may think about getting all vital and important documents and giving them to a close friend for safekeeping.
Karma is not nice
that dude is so effed, bet he looses the house and has to pay enough child support to cover the mortgage.
Question his mental stabilityÂ
it may be wise to limit his alone time with your children completely, or at least as much as possible. There have been a number of cases recently of parents killing their children to spite the other parent, and given the level of spite he's already demonstrated, I wouldn't rule anything out.
Given, it's thankfully an extremely rare outcome, and it's most likely just me being paranoid, but I urge preemptive caution all the same. There's no reason to let it be a possibility, and his mental health doesn't sound especially stable.
There are a ton of jobs or favors that don't require much skill, experience, or labor, and people who are fortunate enough to get hired walk away with a king's ransom.
Looking for those kinds of "jobs," however, is like finding a teardrop in the ocean.
Few who struck gold, at least temporarily, shared their experiences when Redditor NikTheNerdBoy asked:
"What's the dumbest thing you were paid to do and how much were you paid?"
Good luck finding these well-paying tasks.
Running Errands
"Had a WFH gig working sort of as a personal assistant for a rich guy on the opposite coast from me. I did all kinds of wacky sh*t for him. For example, one time I had to break up with my boss's girlfriend because he was too wimpy to do it himself. That was literally my job."
"One day, I bought him a new pickup truck. Meaning, I negotiated the deal and paid for the truck with his credit card. All in all, I'd say the process probably took about two weeks, for which I was paid my usual wage at six hours per day. No big deal."
"Somehow, his dad found out about the new truck and he decided he wanted a new pickup truck too. He called me about a week after I bought the truck for my boss and said he'd pay me $2,000 to buy a truck for him. I called the same dealership back, spoke to the same salesman, told him what was up and basically said give me another truck, same price as before. The salesman was only too happy to comply."
"It took ten minutes to make the phone call and then a day or two to get the title and other paperwork sorted out. So, depending on how you look at it, I made $2,000 for just ten minutes worth of 'work.'"
"Somehow, my boss's rich friend found out about all this. He decided he wanted a new SUV. 'OhYeahThrowItAway, you have to buy it for me!' I told him the last time I bought someone a vehicle, I got paid $2,000. The friend was basically like F'k it, I'll pay you $3,000, just get it for me' and then he emailed me his wish list."
"That deal took a little longer, maybe two weeks."
"I made $5k extra in just two months buying vehicles for lazy (or dumb) rich people."
Staying Out Of The Picture
"I was paid $300 to move my car for a movie that was filming by my apartment."
– dragoblaster666
Pack It Up
"Got paid 10k to leave an apartment because it was sold and new owner wanted to move in. I was tenant (renter) under previous owner. I had 4 months left in my rental contract. This was in Spain (Barcelona)."
European Vacation
"I was flown to Paris to do a compliance audit, the systems weren't set up for the audit, couldn't get access so spent the week being taken to restaurants and shopping. On 1 of the days and at the last minute the company decided to send me to London for a meeting, literally just to meet people. I missed the Eurostar because I forgot my passport (totally blanked that I was entering another country), they had to rebook the Eurostar. Nothing was achieved out of this trip. No audit was completed. Nothing came of the meeting. The cost to the company 25k+ for me to do nothing for a week. Corporate money is ridiculous money."
– _Justag1rl_
Not much labor was required for these so-called "jobs."
Ten-Minutes Of "Work"
"I used to work for a PR agency. Every month one of our clients wanted a handful of photos re-sized for their website; nothing fancy, just setting the width to 500px in Windows Photo Manager."
"It was maybe ten minutes of work every month, but the contract said the minimum amount of time we would charge them for was one day - and this was for the full team too, not just me. It must have cost them several hundred pounds every month."
"I showed the client how to do it several times, and explained that they could save a lot of money doing it themselves. They didn't seem to mind."
"In the end I made sure I got it in writing that I'd informed them of their options and let them get on with it."
– TheRainyDaze
Thank You, Goodbye
"$175 to do some kind of user study at Netflix, I show up in the lobby and then they go, 'actually we got the data we needed from the studies earlier today, you're free to go!'. Still got paid!"
– Lycid
Hush Money
"I did an event for a national association for deaf people at which they did every presentation in ASL. I am an audio engineer, who specializes in live sound and concerts. I did nothing for 5 days of show, $450 a day."
– murter95
Paid To Play
"I got asked to do 2 hours of barrier watch (Guarding a barrier ribbon while a crew did x rays inside a power plant). This was asked last minute after a 12 hour shift so the bonuses of staying happening to be a Sunday, etc I was being paid $110 to stand and play on my phone and make sure sure nobody tried to pass all the DO NOT ENTER DANGER DANGER signs during a time of day with minimal personnel."
– Hotel29
Movie Scene Dance GIF by FandorGiphyGotta Have Wendy's
"I was driving for uber. Picked up a bunch of drunks at like 2 AM. They were like 'Yo we gotta grab some Wendy' I go 'I'm sorry this is my busy period' they go 'Can we bribe you?' I go 'Absolutely you can bribe me.'"
"One the guys said I'll give you $100...I was shocked it was that high, another guy said '$150' and finally his wife said 'F'k it I want Wendy $200 and we buy you Wendy too.'"
"I finally said yes, FYI I hadn't said yes yet because the reality is $20-$40 would have gotten me to stop at Wendy."
"So there I sat at Wendy as those 3 drunks bought me wendy and paid me $200."
– luther_williams
Substitute Chef
"One time I was at this super fancy dinner party. I'm talking servers and everything, I was in a freaking tux! It was outside and catered by a professional bbq company. I mean these guys had won international competitions. Well get this, they were double booked and didn't show. The other servers didn't know how to grill, and this totally smokin server in her 30s is just staring at the grill like a deer in the headlights. Well I don't want to be a hero but I ask if I can help. The entire staff spend the rest of the night bringing me drinks as I make this bbq and NOBODY realizes the award winning chefs didn't show up!"
– Train3rRed88
Where Do We Apply?
"Ok this wasn't a job or anything.... But I got 10$ to eat half a watermelon."
Some opportunities present themselves.
When I was a kid, I hung out at a Japanese summer festival booth where you roll a bowling ball on a track that had two hills. The objective was to push the ball hard enough to get it over the first hill but not too hard to get it over the second hill.
I was fascinated with the challenge and stayed there for a long time as my parents were over by the food booths with their friends.
It was a slow day, and the dude working the booth wanted to peace out for a bit, so he offered to pay me $50 to "hang out" in his stead.
Of course, I said "sure."
No one ever came, and I earned fifty bucks rolling bowling balls for an hour. Was it the dumbest thing I ever did for money? Maybe, but I laughed all the way to the piggy bank that day.
That guy really must have despised his post enough to give a twelve-year-old kid $50.
Food is for survival. That was the plan. But over the years it has become somewhat of a way of life. Some of the most annoying people are foodies. They get so uppity about the preferences of others. Like, let me just enjoy what I enjoy.
Mom No!
Mom Smile GIFGiphy"I don't like my mom's cooking."
"Livestock have refused to eat my mother's cooking. She's a terror in the kitchen."
Take them OUT!!
"I hate walnuts in baked goods. It tastes like wood shavings and completely ruins the flavor."
"I love walnuts but I feel this way about raisins in baked goods, raisins are fine by themselves but not in sweets, I once ordered cinnamon rolls at Hardee's and bit into it and found out there were raisins in it, and I was grossed out and didn't want to eat it. At least freakin' McDonald's serves real cinnamon rolls without freakn' raisins!"
The Fart Ingredient
"I don't like kidney beans except in chili."
"I don't even really like them in chili. I'd rather have pintos in everything."
Oh thew Crunch...
"Pickles and onion make the best sandwich. I make most of my own pickles from stuff I grow or get from local farms in the fall, but I responded to another comment with two different heinous concoctions I enjoy. Crunchy, salty, sour. I really like pickles and onions to begin with."
"I use more than pickled cucumber though. Like the last one I made, I used garlic naan, mayo, red onion, scallions, pickled garlic, green olives, Kalamata olives, garlic dill cucumber, and green beans. Shallot, sour pickled onion, sweet pickled cucumbers, and sushi ginger on sprouted 14 grain bread is also also a favorite of mine."
No Sizzle
bacon GIFGiphy"I do not like bacon."
"I've been learning this over the years. If I'm gonna do bacon I much prefer the maple bacon since it's sweeter and doesn't overpower with saltiness."
- truije15
Who doesn't like bacon? That seems like a sacrilege. Right? But to each their own. Though I will never understand not loving walnuts in comfort food. Y'all need more self love.
Love the Big M
"Fast food tastes amazing, yeah its unhealthy as hell but don't you sit there and lie and say it tastes bad."
"Pisses me off when people act like they're better then McDonald's. What the hell? McDonald's is incredible and billions of people buy their food still. The same can't be said for other restaurants."
Blasphemy!
golden girls flirting GIF by HULUGiphy"Cheesecake is disgusting."
"I don't find cheese cake disgusting. It looks good. Smell delicious. Has ingredients in it that I love. But i can not eat more than one bite. It is too rich. One bite and i feel sick."
Too Many Legs
"Lobsters and crabs are giant insects."
"I don't really think that's that controversial, in my area of the world we even call this creature a 'Moreton Bay Bug' even though some fisheries try to give it the more appealing name of 'flathead lobster'."
bad bones
"Boneless wings are vastly superior to bone-in wings. I think bone-in wings are a ripoff because when you get half a pound of them, part of that half-pound is inedible. It's like if you ordered a quarter-pound cheeseburger, but the restaurant considers the weight of the plate to be part of that quarter-pound and you end up with just a slider. Just give me some damn meat."
The Slime
man oyster GIFGiphy"Oysters are truly disgusting and absurdly overpriced for quarter sized pieces of snot that tastes like salt water and hot sauce."
- C_23_s
Ok, I'm trying to stay calm. I don't want to judge. But some of these opinions... are leaving me shook. Except the oysters. That is that work of the devil. Look away...
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