If you had a chance to conquer your biggest fear, but on someone else's terms, would you take it? Here we have the story of a boyfriend buying a skydiving adventure for his girlfriend, who has a crippling fear of heights and doesn't want to go. The gift was supposed to be a surprise, and OP, the girlfriend, doesn't want to go. What should she do?
Below is nayahs's predicament, and Reddit's advice on how to handle it.
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Okay, I really need help here.
My birthday is in two days and my boyfriend of six months, Alex*, has been talking about his surprise present for a while. He's really excited and can't wait to give it to me. He knows I love animals, so I thought he'd take me to the zoo or something like that. I'm not a big birthday person, so I just wanted something small and thoughtful.
Today my best friend Sara*, who is also friends with Alex, let it slip that she thinks his present is a really bad idea. I asked her why, since I didn't know what it was, and she asked tentatively if I was afraid of heights.
I have a phobia of heights. I have ever since I was a child. When I am in open spaces with fear of falling I have anxiety attacks and cry. When I tried cliff jumping (off an objectively small cliff) I cried and had to be carried back down. I can't even climb trees. I've been like this since I was a child. Alex knows this, but I haven't talked about it to him in very much depth, just in passing, and he thinks it's sort of cute and that he wants to help me get over it. I don't think he realizes how bad my fear is.
I don't know what to do. I know he's spent lots of money, especially as a student, on getting this present. I think it be an amazing present for someone else other than me. The thought of it is making me sweat. Please help.
TL;DR: My boyfriend has decided to surprise me with my worst fear.
*Not their real names.
EDIT: Holy sh*t, thank you guys for all your advice. My birthday is tomorrow. I will be posting an update.
There are better ways to conquer fear.
GiphyYikes, OP. Ok first I would see if you could get Sara to convey to him just how crippling your fear is. If he isn't going to listen to her... Idk, it really sucks but you might have to tell him you know. Phrase like you know he doesn't get how truly afraid you are and that it's sweet that he wants to help you get past it, but this is not the way to go about it. See if he can get his money back, otherwise suggest he takes one of his friends who can cover half the cost so it's not as bad for him. I'm really sorry OP, I hope this gets figured out! And happy birthday!
This probably wasn't the best gift idea - tell him.
GiphyIf my husband surprised me with skydiving my response would be "Hey, take someone else and have fun!" I sure as hell wouldn't go.
I'm not even afraid of heights, as in, I'll climb a mountain or look off a cliff or look off the edge of a tall building, but I sure as hell don't want to be plummeting to the ground from an airplane.
I don't know why he knew you were afraid of heights and his idea of helping you get over it AND his idea of an appropriate GIFT to you is skydiving. He could have helped you get over it in a different way by say taking you to the grand canyon to look over the cliffs or something but he also didn't have to make it out like it's a present to you if he KNOWS it's something you wouldn't like.
This post reminds me of the woman who planned a surprise birthday party for her boyfriend who had extreme social anxiety. Like oh hey surprise, I got you something I knew you would hate.
Stupid and inconsiderate.
Even though the relationship is new - you don't have to go.
GiphyTell him the truth... and don't go. Don't be ashamed of or apologize for your phobia. If you had a crippling peanut allergy no one would expect you to go to the peanut-butter factory tour. As someone with a fear of heights, you certainly have a free pass to not go frickin' skydiving when climbing up a tree alone makes you break down. Your boyfriend should have known that there was a good chance someone wouldn't randomly be willing to go skydiving, phobia or not.
If he wants to give you help getting over your phobia, it should be with a trained therapist. Jumping out of the plane could give you PTSD or something don't do it.
Give him a chance to either invite someone else or get his money back.
GiphyThe amount of money one spent on an unwelcome gift doesn't mean that the recipient has to accept it. Your BF may have bought a $50000 live rhinoceros on a leash, and tried to give that to you as a pet. Would you have to accept because he paid so much for this thoughtful present? Especially that you told him that you like animals, so it makes it your fault somehow, lol.
Talk to him, that you know what the present is and can't accept. Don't wait till the last moment, give him a chance to ask a friend to skydive instead.
Skydiving is probably not the best way to conquer your fear.
GiphyThis is like helping you overcome a fear of dogs by covering you in gravy and locking you in a closet with a pack of half-starved wolves.
psuedonymously
One person offered a script.
GiphyHere's a script: "Honey, thank you so much for the wonderful thought, but I can't accept the gift. I have an actual phobia of heights - not a mild fear, not a discomfort thing. Phobia. Going on this excursion would ruin my birthday and possibly our relationship - I'd be so embarrassed to have a panic attack right then after you'd gone to all this trouble! So let's you and me do something else instead and you can take [insert his best friend's name] skydiving instead."
Let him know his idea is not going to help you overcome your fear.
I'm like you, very afraid of heights. Sky diving is on my "never going to try that list." If that changes, great, but I wouldn't bend on that for someone else.
Your bf knows of your fear and still got you these tickets on some misguided notion that he's helping you. He obviously doesn't know how to help someone get over a phobia. Not to mention that you never asked him to help you with this. He's just forcing this on you.
If I were you I'd say "thanks for the tickets but I'm not going. Invite someone else or sell the ticket, but I will not be using it." I personally wouldn't feel bad about saying that and would be very disappointed in him for giving such a selfish, thoughtless gift. He could have bought you something you would enjoy and have a good time with and instead he literally bought you your greatest fear. Thanks bf :/
It seems like the gift is more for the boyfriend.
GiphyBoyfriend is about to learn a very expensive lesson about giving gifts that are more about HIM than about the person they're intended for. It seems he's got this whole plan of "curing" you of your fear and being a big fucking hero. Notice how you magically not being scared of heights afterward is actually the second-most significant thing in his fantasy?
His gift is selfish and stupid. The amount of money isn't the issue, and if he DARES try to guilt trip you with that, go fucking nuclear. It is neither his right or responsibility to "fix" you, and he doesn't have the power to do it even if you wanted to let him. The only person who can mitigate your fears and anxieties is you.
I would get ahead of this and tell him you found out, so you don't have to go through the embarrassing ritual of gift presentation. Personally, I'd be pissed and offended at his selfishness and presumption. I have phobias of my own and I've had to work really hard at times in my life to enforce boundaries around them - not to preserve them, but to keep the responsibility for managing them on myself... and to avoid gaining a father-figure who thinks I'm some broken dolly who needs sorting out.
Be careful telling people a surprise present is okay.
GiphyLesson learnt OP, right? If you don't say what you want people might surprise you with your worst fear.
His reaction to declining the gift will be a sign.
GiphyI wouldn't condemn the BF just yet. I think his reaction to her refusing to do it will be more telling. He just may not understand phobias nor the extent of her phobia.
And if he truly cares, he'll make it up to you.
GiphyOP, this isn't a fair response.
You spoke to him about it in passing, he has no idea how bad your phobia is and I really truly believe he does want to help you get over it.
Is getting over it out of the question? Imagine you were able to go and just conquer that fear? You would be unstoppable. Is it something you would reconsider?
If not, wait until he gives you the gift. Be appreciative but also really tell him about your phobia (if it is out of the question) and tell him to go with one of his friends instead.
He'll make it up to you, I promise.
This is a reasonable assessment.
GiphyI would argue the real TL;DR here is "My boyfriend got himself a present for my birthday."
Part of the issue is that the relationship is new.
GiphyMost people give gifts that they'd love to receive themselves. It's an unconscious sort of blind spot: they think, "I'd really love this, so they will too!"
It takes a while of being together before these little things get sorted out. I wouldn't be able to skydive either, so that's hardly an unusual reaction. I think most people would be at least a little terrified of participating in most of the extreme sports.
I would talk to your man ASAP and tell him you know what his surprise gift is and you aren't on board, so that if he can get his money back or plan to go with his brother or best friend or something, he still has time to change plans.
Then I would very gently and kindly make a list for him of things that ARE on your bucket list that you'd really enjoy if he surprised you with it on a special day. It could be anything from "make me breakfast in bed" to "a day at the spa" to "coupons redeemable for specific chores I can use at any time" to "gift card to my favorite store". Just list any and everything that you'd really actually like. That way he can pick something and it'll still be a surprise but it won't be something terrifying.
Hopefully he can get a refund.
GiphyTell him straight up. Just say that Sara told you about it because she knew how scared you are of heights and wanted to help avoid this problem. She really should have just told your BF, though. Why didn't she tell him how bad your phobia is? If she did and your BF ignored her then this is all on him.
Tell him sooner rather than later in case there are time limits related to getting refunds.
In the grand scheme of things though, it's not that big of a deal.
GiphyWell if you are both otherwise reasonable, it shouldn't be a huge deal. Be honest. Tell him the truth. Then tell him you'd be 110% fine if he took his best friend instead if he can't get his money back or really wants to go himself.
That's a risky gift and if he gets upset, I'd run away from the relationship entirely. my gut tells me the gift is more for him than for you though...
Experiencing death is a fascinating and frightening idea.
Who doesn't want to know what is waiting for us on the other side?
But so many of us want to know and then come back and live a little longer.
It would be so great to be sure there is something else.
But the whole dying part is not that great, so we'll have to rely on other people's accounts.
Redditor AlaskaStiletto wanted to hear from everyone who has returned to life, so they asked:
"Redditors who have 'died' and come back to life, what did you see?"
Sensations
Happy Good Vibes GIF by Major League SoccerGiphy"My dad's heart stopped when he had a heart attack and he had to be brought back to life. He kept the paper copy of the heart monitor which shows he flatlined. He said he felt an overwhelming sensation of peace, like nothing he had felt before."
PeachesnPain
Recovery
"I had surgical complications in 2010 that caused a great deal of blood loss. As a result, I had extremely low blood pressure and could barely stay awake. I remember feeling like I was surrounded by loved ones who had passed. They were in a circle around me and I knew they were there to guide me onwards. I told them I was not ready to go because my kids needed me and I came back."
"My nurse later said she was afraid she’d find me dead every time she came into the room."
"It took months, and blood transfusions, but I recovered."
good_golly99
Take Me Back
"Overwhelming peace and happiness. A bright airy and floating feeling. I live a very stressful life. Imagine finding out the person you have had a crush on reveals they have the same feelings for you and then you win the lotto later that day - that was the feeling I had."
"I never feared death afterward and am relieved when I hear of people dying after suffering from an illness."
rayrayrayray
Free
The Light Minnie GIF by (G)I-DLEGiphy"I had a heart surgery with near-death experience, for me at least (well the possibility that those effects are caused by morphine is also there) I just saw black and nothing else but it was warm and I had such inner peace, its weird as I sometimes still think about it and wish this feeling of being so light and free again."
TooReDTooHigh
This is why I hate surgery.
You just never know.
Shocked
Giphy"More of a near-death experience. I was electrocuted. I felt like I was in a deep hole looking straight up in the sky. My life flashed before me. Felt sad for my family, but I had a deep sense of peace."
Admirable_Buyer6528
The SOB
"Nursing in the ICU, we’ve had people try to die on us many times during the years, some successfully. One guy stood out to me. His heart stopped. We called a code, are working on him, and suddenly he comes to. We hadn’t vented him yet, so he was able to talk, and he started screaming, 'Don’t let them take me, don’t let them take me, they are coming,' he was scared and yelling."
"Then he yelled a little more, as we tried to calm him down, he screamed, 'No, No,' and gestured towards the end of the bed, and died again. We didn’t get him back. It was seriously creepy. We called his son to tell him the news, and the son said basically, 'Good, he was an SOB.'”
1-cupcake-at-a-time
Colors
"My sister died and said it was extremely peaceful. She said it was very loud like a train station and lots of talking and she was stuck in this area that was like a curtain with lots of beautiful colors (colors that you don’t see in real life according to her) a man told her 'He was sorry, but she had to go back as it wasn’t her time.'"
Hannah_LL7
"I had a really similar experience except I was in an endless garden with flowers that were colors I had never seen before. It was quiet and peaceful and a woman in a dress looked at me, shook her head, and just said 'Not yet.' As I was coming back, it was extremely loud, like everyone in the world was trying to talk all at once. It was all very disorienting but it changed my perspective on life!"
huntokarrr
The Fog
"I was in a gray fog with a girl who looked a lot like a young version of my grandmother (who was still alive) but dressed like a pioneer in the 1800s she didn't say anything but kept pulling me towards an opening in the wall. I kept refusing to go because I was so tired."
"I finally got tired of her nagging and went and that's when I came to. I had bled out during a c-section and my heart could not beat without blood. They had to deliver the baby and sew up the bleeders. refill me with blood before they could restart my heart so, like, at least 12 minutes gone."
Fluffy-Hotel-5184
Through the Walls
"My spouse was dead for a couple of minutes one miserable night. She maintains that she saw nothing, but only heard people talking about her like through a wall. The only thing she remembers for absolute certain was begging an ER nurse that she didn't want to die."
"She's quite alive and well today."
Hot-Refrigerator6583
Well let's all be happy to be alive.
It seems to be all we have.
Trying to lose weight is a struggle understood by many people regardless of size.
The goal of reaching a healthy weight may seem unattainable, but with diet and exercise, it can pay off through persistence and discipline.
Seeing the pounds gradually drop off can also be a great motivator and incentivize people to stay the course.
Those who've achieved their respective weight goals shared their experiences when Redditor apprenti8455 asked:
"People who lost a lot of weight, what surprises you the most now?"
Redditors didn't see these coming.
Shiver Me Timbers
"I’m always cold now!"
– Telrom_1
"I had a coworker lose over 130 pounds five or six years ago. I’ve never seen him without a jacket on since."
– r7ndom
"140 lbs lost here starting just before COVID, I feel like that little old lady that's always cold, damn this top comment was on point lmao."
– mr_remy
Drawing Concern
"I lost 100 pounds over a year and a half but since I’m old(70’s) it seems few people comment on it because (I think) they think I’m wasting away from some terminal illness."
– dee-fondy
"Congrats on the weight loss! It’s honestly a real accomplishment 🙂"
"Working in oncology, I can never comment on someone’s weight loss unless I specifically know it was on purpose, regardless of their age. I think it kind of ruffles feathers at times, but like I don’t want to congratulate someone for having cancer or something. It’s a weird place to be in."
– LizardofDeath
Unleashing Insults
"I remember when I lost the first big chunk of weight (around 50 lbs) it was like it gave some people license to talk sh*t about the 'old' me. Old coworkers, friends, made a lot of not just negative, but harsh comments about what I used to look like. One person I met after the big loss saw a picture of me prior and said, 'Wow, we wouldn’t even be friends!'”
"It wasn’t extremely common, but I was a little alarmed by some of the attention. My weight has been up and down since then, but every time I gain a little it gets me a little down thinking about those things people said."
– alanamablamaspama
Not Everything Goes After Losing Weight
"The loose skin is a bit unexpected."
– KeltarCentauri
"I haven’t experienced it myself, but surgery to remove skin takes a long time to recover. Longer than bariatric surgery and usually isn’t covered by insurance unless you have both."
– KatMagic1977
"It definitely does take a long time to recover. My Dad dropped a little over 200 pounds a few years back and decided to go through with skin removal surgery to deal with the excess. His procedure was extensive, as in he had skin taken from just about every part of his body excluding his head, and he went through hell for weeks in recovery, and he was bedridden for a lot of it."
– Jaew96
These Redditors shared their pleasantly surprising experiences.
Shopping
"I can buy clothes in any store I want."
– WaySavvyD
"When I lost weight I was dying to go find cute, smaller clothes and I really struggled. As someone who had always been restricted to one or two stores that catered to plus-sized clothing, a full mall of shops with items in my size was daunting. Too many options and not enough knowledge of brands that were good vs cheap. I usually went home pretty frustrated."
– ganache98012
No More Symptoms
"Lost about 80 pounds in the past year and a half, biggest thing that I’ve noticed that I haven’t seen mentioned on here yet is my acid reflux and heartburn are basically gone. I used to be popping tums every couple hours and now they just sit in the medicine cabinet collecting dust."
– colleennicole93
Expanding Capabilities
"I'm all for not judging people by their appearance and I recognise that there are unhealthy, unachievable beauty standards, but one thing that is undeniable is that I can just do stuff now. Just stamina and flexibility alone are worth it, appearance is tertiary at best."
– Ramblonius
People Change Their Tune
"How much nicer people are to you."
"My feet weren't 'wide' they were 'fat.'"
– LiZZygsu
"Have to agree. Lost 220 lbs, people make eye contact and hold open doors and stuff"
"And on the foot thing, I also lost a full shoe size numerically and also wear regular width now 😅"
– awholedamngarden
It's gonna take some getting used to.
Bones Everywhere
"Having bones. Collarbones, wrist bones, knee bones, hip bones, ribs. I have so many bones sticking out everywhere and it’s weird as hell."
– Princess-Pancake-97
"I noticed the shadow of my ribs the other day and it threw me, there’s a whole skeleton in here."
– bekastrange
Knee Pillow
"Right?! And they’re so … pointy! Now I get why people sleep with pillows between their legs - the knee bones laying on top of each other (side sleeper here) is weird and jarring."
– snic2030
"I lost only 40 pounds within the last year or so. I’m struggling to relate to most of these comments as I feel like I just 'slimmed down' rather than dropped a ton. But wow, the pillow between the knees at night. YES! I can relate to this. I think a lot of my weight was in my thighs. I never needed to do this up until recently."
– Strongbad23
More Mobility
"I’ve lost 100 lbs since 2020. It’s a collection of little things that surprise me. For at least 10 years I couldn’t put on socks, or tie my shoes. I couldn’t bend over and pick something up. I couldn’t climb a ladder to fix something. Simple things like that I can do now that fascinate me."
"Edit: Some additional little things are sitting in a chair with arms, sitting in a booth in a restaurant, being able to shop in a normal store AND not needing to buy the biggest size there, being able to easily wipe my butt, and looking down and being able to see my penis."
– dma1965
People making significant changes, whether for mental or physical health, can surely find a newfound perspective on life.
But they can also discover different issues they never saw coming.
That being said, overcoming any challenge in life is laudable, especially if it leads to gaining confidence and ditching insecurities.