Redditor Optillard needs some advice. Apparently she is having some "boyfriend mama" issues. As if relationships are arduous enough, nobody needs to be brought to task over things that bring others pleasure. Case in point....
I'm very into kinky BDSM sexual stuff and really enjoy it. My boyfriend wasn't into it at first but he was open to it and now he's also like me, very much interested. I have turned the basement of my house into a BDSM dungeon with a lot of equipments, latex outfits, cuffs, chains, spreaders, bondage equipment, swings, dildos, strap-ons, benches, etc.
My boyfriend's mom is visiting from the other side of the country and is staying with us for a few days. This is fine. She's been wanting to visit his son and get to know me better and I think it's lovely.
She is a rather devout Christian and believes in things like modesty, traditional gender roles and even abstinence before marriage. I don't have a problem with her if that's how she wants to live her life. It's not for someone like me who's basically the opposite of those things.
I always lock the door to the basement. It's a private room and I don't think it's unreasonable to lock one of your rooms when you have guests. It should be clear that a locked room is supposed to be left alone. Apparently she does not understand this. Yesterday she asked where door leads to and I told her that it's the basement and it's just full of stuff and it's always locked because I don't want my niece and nephew who visit often go down there (not a lie, it is the truth).
This morning I went out for a run when she was still sleeping. My boyfriend has a night shift at the hospital so he was away. When I came back I noticed that she has broken into the basement (took the key from the drawer in my room) and she asked me to "answer for this." I didn't, just kept asking her why is she down here and how she got here and she explained that she thinks I was disrespectful for locking a room to a guest and she had to find out what I'm hiding down there because she thought it could be something illegal but instead she found, as she called it, "evil material of a shameless slut." She then went on a rant about how ungodly these things are, that I have corrupted her son, how I'm of the devil and going to hell and she's not going to allow me to take her son with her, and things like that.
I just asked her to get out of the basement, stay in her room until his son arrives and she can deal with him as I don't think I need to justify my lifestyle or my belongings to her. She called me a whore and went out of the house. That was 30 minutes ago.
I texted my boyfriend and he hasn't responded yet. Not sure what I should do now. I really don't want her in my house ever again.
And the internet has some thoughts...
As a guest... act accordingly!Â
Giphy
I agree with everything said in this thread, you're 100% in the right. Being a guest somewhere doesn't give you unlimited access to everything in that home, that's stupid. Do you think guests to the White House are allowed to run around going into every room because "they're guests?"
This really gets me though.
she had to find out what I'm hiding down there because she thought it could be something illegal
So her response to a locked basement - basements are often used as storage, they're out of the way, nobody needs to be in a basement - is to go into your bedroom, snoop for a key that she doesn't know the appearance of, take any key she sees to use on the basement door, and then...what. What if you had a meth lab down there? Was Mighty Mom just going to stand there proudly "I FOUND THE METH LAB, THIS IS ILLEGAL, I'M VICTORIOUS!" And then your evil empire will just crumble because one nosy Christian lady in her 50s saw your setup.
That excuse is so hilariously lame that I think we need to send it to the glue factory. She's a nosy snoop that doesn't respect boundaries and she did this because she can't handle being told no. I guess in a way it's good that she showed these colors now rather than testing your boundaries in smaller ways over several years. Now you know she's an invasive prima-donna, and knowing is half the battle!
Best of luck navigating the fallout, OP.
Mama is coming for you...
The fall out is going to be the WORST.
She is going to tell everyone in his family and everyone who will listen about what she has in her basement. The mailman in his home town will know. I'm sure if she has a facebook she has made a status about it and called all her biddy friends at the church to come pay the devil away.
I cringe to think about what she is going to do next.
Flip out on her son, I think. This is just the first explosion and she went in there looking for a reason to hate OP. Hence the break in. Even if she didn't have a sex dungeon down there, she would have gone through boxes like "THIS NAKED BARBIE DOLL FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? YOU DEVIL PEDOPHILE!" She's an all star Olympian at mental gymnastics.
Can we take bets now on if Ma is going to demand he dumb OP? OH and do absolutely everything to sabotage their relationship in an all out war?
Shame on you lady!Â
she had to find out what I'm hiding down there because she thought it could be something illegal...
Devout Christian here, in my 60s. And I agree 100%...why in the world would she automatically think this? It's such a ridiculous leap it makes me question whats going on with her own life. We have locked rooms in our house. One is a very old root cellar that with ridiculously steep steps (I store canning stuff there), another has all my husbands old military uniforms/trunks etc. My community is ridiculously conservative (we aren't political) and I have never had anyone question locked rooms. With a lot of children etc. it's a given. Everyone I know has locked rooms. OPs bf's mom shouldn't have did what she did. She violated hospitality, stole from her and broke into her property. The mother is using Christianity as a shield for her own sinful life and clouded ethics. She ought to be ashamed.
Worry about what else...
Giphy
Pretty sure she's gone through everything in your house.
No doubt about it. medicine cabinets, pantry, under the bed. you have been 100% invaded.
How would she like it?
I bet if you pulled out her purse, dumped it out, and started going through all her crap she'd understand why people like privacy.
It's her not you.Â
Giphy
When I'm a guest somewhere I do my best to stick to what the people who leave there would consider acceptable. To begin with, I always consider the bedrooms, other than those for guests of course, of limits and obviously, if somewhere's locked, I have no business there.
People like her bf's mother don't have any respect for people's privacy and clearly said she didn't want their hospitality by going through their stuff.
You're a Saint...Â
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Honestly I would have straight up kicked her out of my house. OP is a saint for even letting her stay in her room.
Don't be a Mama's boy son...Â
You can't control people. Stand back and watch where the chips fall. Good insight in the guy to be gained.
If the guy meekly obeys his mom as an adult male, then that's a bullet dodged because now you have a good reason to drop the guy. Or otherwise you'll be dealing with the shallowly judgmental crone meddling in your shit constantly.
If the guy goes "I love you ma but go f**k yourself" he's a keeper.
Get her a reservation...Â
Giphy
If she can afford to be so rude and disrespectful she can afford a hotel for the rest of her stay.
Her justification for her actions shows that she likely never had any respect for you and was just snooping for something to get self-righteous about.
Jesus take the crowbar?Â
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So she stole, and broke into a room of your house, for jesus? Huh.
Honestly, sounds like you handled it right, I think the next step is in your boyfriend's court.
Makes me wonder if this type of behavior is why her son lives on the other side of the country.
It is obvious that she don't have any respect for you or for her son. The best thing you did is just telling her to wait for her son to come. I don't mean anything but you should put yourself in her place. If this man was your son and you never realized for his life-time when he used to live with you that he have an intendancy for such a lifestyle, you may be a little freaked out, right? I don't mea any offense to you. I totally respect you and you choice. I'm telling you that for when your boyfriend call (he will call you, don't worry. But he must had a lot to deal with now) you should be reasonable. Don't start blaming his mum because she broke into a private part in your house. Just tell him to stay with her till she comedown. He already know that, but trust he don't wanna hear what he already know about his mum.for now you can just try to call one of his friends who could know where is he now.
God bless her...Â
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I never understand why, the people who are most "Christian"... Don't even follow the stuff the Lord said. Like love everyone. And don't judge. And don't open locked doors. It's simple.
I think BF's mom has a personality disorder. I'm serious.
I think it's a common one that's often talked about. She has no boundaries, her children are an extension of herself, and when she is alone, she experiences super-anxiety and is propelled into action. It's almost mindless action, but in a place where Extenstion-of-Self lives (otherwise known as Her Son), she feels entitled to do whatever she wants.
As opposed to a fairly normal person.
It disturbs me how people assume that having a "guest" status somehow allows full-range use of someone's house. Unfortunately, devout-religious folks like that are often into dogmatic shaming if they find something out of the norm, especially when dealing with a female. Mother Dearest should probably realize that her sonny-boy is big enough to make decisions on his own and isn't "corruptible." In her head, you're the scapegoat. That's her issue.
Going through your house is a violation of basic privacy. Period.
If she can't own up to that being her fault, then she's got some serious internalized issues with boundaries. There's nothing wrong with you having full control over your sexuality -- she, however, doesn't need to make it any of her business. If she does, she needs to get some therapy.
I have to agree with the others here, you handled this beautifully. She has absolutely no right to be shaming you when she should've minded her own business. It's not you, it's her. Mommy Dearest needs to fix her boundary issues.
Hopefully, your bf will show her some boundaries, have her gtfo, or get her a lobotomy.
The truth hurts...Â
I'd probably point out to her that her son has a hard time keeping his pants on around you. Rub it in her face.
Hide the key...
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I need to know - how did she find the key to the basement? Was it obvious which key goes with which lock? I can't imagine someone rummaging through personal items in a house, quickly coming upon a key, and trying the basement door. If it really happened like that, she must have been really determined and really tearing through your stuff to find that key. F**k that lady.
You're out!!Â
I would kick her the hell out. You were trying to be thoughtful and not shove what you do in her face, and she was a disrespectful ass to break into the room and then call you the one with the problem.
Also, I'm mad jealous of your basement. That sounds like fun.
Check and Mate.Â
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Man, she really checks all the boxes on the crazy scale:
Snoops around? Check
Opens a locked door in a house that's not hers because she believes she's entitled to? Check
Shames you for your sexual preferences? Check
Babbles about Heaven and Hell? Check
Your BF has one crazy mother
Do we even have a clue that they're the "one" that got away? How long until it sinks in? And how do we not know there isn't another "one" coming behind them? I have no answers. Just asking...
The Draft
Episode 1 Omg GIF by RuPaul's Drag RaceGiphy"The girl who summoned up the nerve to ask me out towards the beginning of high school. I was so humiliated by the life my family was living that I stalled until she gave up."
"Betsy, if by some stroke of dumb luck you're reading this... I'm so sorry. It was 25-27 years ago, but I still hate myself for that. You were beautiful, intelligent, a good person, and if I had anything resembling a stable, presentable home I would've said yes in a heartbeat... I had a crush on you since 7th-grade 'intro to drafting.'
I Love Her
"Weird, I was just confiding in my mom about this last night. I'm late but for catharsis's sake I'm going to post. My first girlfriend is a classic case of you don't know what you have until it's gone. She's the complete package. Beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, and so kind. We started dating when I was 17 and broke up when I was 21."
"For reference I'm 30 now. I was an idiot. I wanted to play the field. I wanted to party and hook up with college girls. It was fun at first but after a while I felt this gnawing hole in my heart. The feeling of doubt crept up slowly and still, a decade later my chest feels tight thinking about it."
"I didn't realize until my later serious relationships that getting along with your SO's family is so important. Her mom and step dad genuinely treated me like a part of their family. It's not a stretch to say I literally grew up with these people. I spent some of my most formative years with them. Birthdays, Thanksgivings, Christmases, you name it. They celebrated me and my accomplishments. They genuinely cared about me. Just amazing, salt of the earth, lovely people."
"Her birthday was in March and I sent her a text and we ended up talking for a bit. She's happily married and stable with a daughter and a second on the way. I'm genuinely so happy for her. She deserves happiness. I just wish I was a part of that. Sitting at work 10 years later I'm tearing up. I numbed myself out to it for years, it's so strange to me that I've been so stuck on her lately. Is this normal?"
- direct07
15 Years Later
"My very first real love. I was a teenager and I didn't really know how to be comfortable in myself or with myself. I played silly teen girl games and lost him even as a friend. Now 15 years later I still think about R from time to time. I genuinely hope he's happy in his life."
"Edit: Wow this blew up while I was sleeping. Thanks for all the sweet words and to everyone with their "one" congratulations! I suppose I hadn't looked him up on social media because I'm scared, scared he won't respond, scared he will respond, scared he'll think I'm a stalker. I'm in a happy relationship now, but what if... Etc etc etc. But I'll give it a Google."
Missed You Much
rhythm nation dance GIF by Janet JacksonGiphyA girl I dated in high school. Went on a date one time she took me out parking and I was too stupid to realize it.
"She always talked about moving away as soon as she got finished with high school. I always thought I would stay in a little town the rest of my life. Turns out I was the one who left and move to another state. Later I heard that she had told someone that I knew that she thought that we would be married at some point. Missed it by that much."
Ok... I've been a bit blind to the light. People can be cruel, but also highly creative. Why not just lead with the truth? It'll always hurt more after lies.
Chuck E.
Chuck E Cheese Wink GIFGiphy"Ah the rare AskReddit question I can answer."
"I met a wonderful woman circa 2013-2015. We worked at what I can best describe as an upscaled Chuck E Cheese. Or ghetto Six Flags. Your choice."
"We hit it off instantly, though at the time I was rather romantically inept. Eventually, she says she's leaving to join the Air Force. I tell her I'll miss her, and wished her well. The thought of asking for her number so we could stay in contact didn't even cross my mind."
"Cue the next day, I stop for lunch on my way to work, and as I'm walking to my car I hear my name being called. I turn around, and it's her, running toward me. Universe giving me a second chance, right? Wrong. My dumb butt still didn't ask for her number. She looked a little upset, and I still think about her often. Desiree, I hope you're doing well."
The Getaway...
"He was my first and last love. I was 16 and he was 18 when we met. We bounced around like idiots, on again off again, finally got together mid 20s. We both fell into bad habits - drugs and alcohol, more booze for me, more drugs for him. We had some bad things happen that were pretty detrimental to staying sober. We would split, reconcile, get sober, fall off the wagon, split, etc... repeat as necessary. We realized we were very bad for each other unless we could BOTH just get sober for ourselves, and split."
"Ten years later, I was sober for 7 years (still am, going on 18 years end of this month, actually! Woo, go me!) and he was beginning to come back, sober about a year. He contacted me, we met, talked about trying again. He said that once he had been totally clean for a year, we'd do it. That whole "Don't make any changes for a year" thing. I would visit him, tho, things were good."
"He woke up one morning feeling bad, thought he had the flu. (This was pre-now) I stayed around because he was sick, but neither of us thought he was drastically bad, just the flu, right? He got worse and worse, finally we called an ambulance because he got up from a nap and couldn't breathe. He died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Aortic dissection."
"He got away, but someday I'll see him again. I never stopped loving him, and him me. We just weren't good for each other."
Ce la vie...
"My most serious Ex."
"Don't think I truly understood love until I met her. Loved her more than I ever thought I could love anything. It eventually ended when she told me that, through no fault of my own, she had fallen out of love with me. That was 2 years ago, still hurts to think/talk about."
"Ce la vie..."
The Avoid...
"I'm in the middle of trying to avoid that right now actually."
"It's not worth the heartache trust me. I fought to stay in a relationship for an entire year. If I would've just let her go the first time she wanted there would've been a lot less pain. We would've left on good terms. I would've lost a lot less sleep. Rip the band-aid off because once the band-aid starts peeling it's inevitable it'll fall off with time."
Kim Tate Eye Roll GIF by Emmerdale"My ex and I broke up over 3 years ago. Mutual breakup through a lack of communication on both ends I feel."
"Thought I was over that hill until this week she messaged just to say hey and ask an innocent question. We text for the best part of the day and it's brought up a lot of old feeling. Feeling pretty bitter sweet right now."
Love is a mess. Why even bother trying if you can't be true? It's not hard to just spell out the situation. And if you're the one needing to put together the words... look closer. The dialogue shouldn't be difficult.
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