Boyfriend Refuses To Ask Father For Girlfriend's Hand In Marriage, And Her Family Is Boycotting The Wedding
Traditional marriage in today's world can get to be a bit of a sticky subject. Most people don't formally ask for the hand in marriage, but when it's a music wouldn't you just roll with the punches for your love?
u/throwawayandpanic asks My BF (M25) won't ask for my hand, and my dad (M48) is staging a family boycott my wedding. Is my boyfriend being selfish? The details are as follows:
I've been with my boyfriend (M25) for three years. We both just finished school, and are finally ready for marriage. He proposed last week and I happily said yes. I could not be happier. I love him and he is going to be an awesome dad someday. But my bf is very new school and my dad is kind of old school.
My dad was beyond mad that my boyfriend did not ask my dad for my hand before proposing. My dad said he was willing to hear my boyfriend's apology if my boyfriend formally asks for my hand at a dinner that my dad said he will pay for at the restaurant of my boyfriend's choosing. My dad feels like he is being very accommodating. He will bring my boyfriend's favorite wine to celebrate. I spoke to my boyfriend last night and he won't budge. He doesn't believe in that tradition.
My boyfriend showed me an article online where a Pakistani woman was stoned to death outside a courthouse because she married a man against her family's wishes. This just happened. My boyfriend who witnessed his father be abusive/possessive with his mom as a child has always felt strongly that women are not property. He thinks the tradition of asking for her had is repulsive. His point is that he's met my whole family, and gotten to know them. He says they have always known his intentions and he never made it secret that he was in love with me and wanted to marry me and have children. He feels he was done enough to announce his intentions and all of them seemed to "approve" of him. He says that at this point he only needs my approval to marry him and nobody else's.
So yesterday my mom told me that my dad who is not even speaking to me because I won't set my foot down with my boyfriend is calling the whole family and telling them to not attend my wedding. My mom says that my boyfriend is the one treating me like property by not letting me have a say in his decision to not observe a tradition that my two older sisters' husbands observed.
I told my mother that I understand where my boyfriend is coming from and that I have decided to do away with the tradition of him asking for my hand. So my mother is obviously mad and said that I should be ready for serious consequences. I asked her what and she would not say. But from talking to my sister she said that they would black ball us from all family gatherings. My two sister's and my mom have told me my boyfriend is being selfish. The wedding is set for August 9th. I'm worried that nobody in my family will attend my wedding.
It's a two way streetGiphy
"My dad feels like he is being very accommodating."
No, both he and your mother are being controlling. And they are attempting to make you choose between your fiance and them. Choose your fiance, otherwise you're setting precedent for this type of behavior/interference for the rest of your marriage.
It's all or nothingGiphy
Fine, go ahead and agree to your parents' stone age demand--but make sure they pay your fiance your full worth in cattle and/or loot.
No dowry, no request for hand in marriage--if they want the old traditions, they can have all of them.
Sounds like a power struggleGiphy
It's one thing for a father to be a bit disappointed he wasn't asked for his daughter's hand. It's a grossly out-dated tradition, but some people lkle the old ways, like giving the bride away.
But your parents threatening to boycott your wedding amd "other consequences" is incredibly extreme and unreasonable. If my parents threatened to boycott the happiest day of my life on the basis of something so petty, I'd say, "See ya."
Your parents aren't upset that you and your partner aren't honouring old traditions. They're upset that you're not kissing ass. Your father obviously still intends to be the most important person in your life, and he is angry his control is threatened.
Women are not property anymoreGiphy
If you and your boyfriend share the same belief that women are not property, then you need to put your foot down with your whole family.
Tell them all this is what YOU are doing. YOU are marrying this guy. And YOU are hoping they all come to the wedding, but YOU will understand if they don't.
If you are arguing in favor of empowering women and no longer being viewed as a property, then stand up for YOURSELF and tell everyone how it's going to be.
And then do not engage in anymore discussion about it.
This is your family, and you need to be the one to drawn the clear, bright line. You aren't just "supporting" your fiance in this argument, you are the one creating the boundary.
A simple solutionGiphy
If your parents threaten to boycott the marriage, tell them you're prepared to elope.
A spiraling situationGiphy
Your family is being kind of...rude. Threatening your boyfriend and your wedding because he doesn't want to do a tradition that he has seen as harmful is rather selfish of THEM! Your boyfriend is doing the right thing by not asking your father.
More to the point, this could have some slippery slope stuff either way. If he caved into your father's demand, it could spiral into more demands and threats, because your father would have power over your boyfriend, whether you want that to be the case or not.
Straight up rudeGiphy
Your family isnt being kind of rude. They are being rude. This is much more about you than it is about them. If you are fine with it then that should be the end of the story.
You always have his familyGiphy
Try to talk to members of your family individually, a written message will probably help. Let them each know that you'd really appreciate them turning up, that it would be hurtful to boycott your wedding over something that you believe that you and your boyfriend are perfectly within your rights to do. Hopefully some members of your family will sympathise and understand. If not, you have my sympathies, but at least you're about to enter into a whole new family.
Time to talk to dadGiphy
This is just my opinion. I think your father sounds like an insane rage monster, and he thinks he owns your vagina. I find this to be beyond creepy. Your boyfriend sounds cool.
Also, even if your boyfriend had wanted to go along with this charade, your dad has now made this utterly impossible by forming your extended family into a marriage-boycott brigade. This is about your dad's sense of ownership over you.
This is not your father's weddingGiphy
Ok. I can understand tradition and following tradition. BUT you know what's 10000x more important than tradition? YOUR DAUGHTER'S HAPPINESS. Like seriously f****** hell. Why is your father taking a huge decision that will impact his daughter's future and happiness and making it about him? About what HE wants? Like why can't he be happy and supportive for his daughter who's marrying the love of her life? Who is taking this huge step into her future and would need someone by her side, helping her?
Sometimes everyone needs to hush up.
Wouldn't that be nice?
If people could catch onto social queues and actually engage in conversation with another human, maybe then we'd be able to triumph at the basic art of communication.
But humans seem to be failing in this department.
So who among us hasn't been trapped in a nonsensical splattering of words we'd give limbs to escape from?
Redditor Isingsongstomycats wanted to hear about what can completely make us regret speaking to another person, so they asked:
"What instantly ruins a conversation for you?"
I'm ornery. Anything and everything can turn me off.
Blockedhoney boo boo phone GIF by RealityTVGIFsGiphy
"Getting their phone out for no reason mid conversation."
"Sometimes I want to look up something pertinent to the conversation but I don't want to interrupt them to say that. Now when someone checks their notification mid conversation, that really burns me."
Up & Up
"When someone feels the need to one up you on everything you say."
"Had a coworker like this once, his one upping was so bad we would test it. Best one was a guy talking about catching a shark on a pole at the beach. He interrupted with the time he swam out a mile and got attacked by a shark and beat it and swam back with it."
"When they start saying nasty things about people they barely know."
"I have family like this. I once heard them go on on this rant about how the new waitress at their local coffee shop is fat and ugly. They made a thousands assumptions about this woman that included criticism to her service."
"Or start sh*t talking someone the second they leave the room. My dad's sisters do that, I was stuck in my parents house alone with them and I would get so paranoid every time I left the room. If they do that to each other, I can’t image the crap they talk about me."
War of Words
"When they ask for your opinion or talking about something fully subjective and then tell you how you are objectively wrong or get offended by you nor agreeing."
"Similar, but not quite the same: my old roommate would correct me on things that were objective, and not like facts."
"Like I mentioned it was hard for my folks to get a mortgage because they were self employed and he correct me that it wasn't. He wouldn't believe the story i was telling and told me what he thought might have happened with no knowledge on the subject."
"Needless to say I moved out."
Blah BlahBored Chris Rock GIF by BounceGiphy
"When it feels like you're engaging a combination lock just to get responses to simple innocent pieces of a conversation. People who small talk you to death."
I swear small talk people should be arrested for attempted murder.
UselessGolden Girls Rose GIF by TV LandGiphy
"When someone drags a story out with useless details. Like something that happened on the drive to work but they start the story at the point when they first woke up and what they had for breakfast. Just get to the point!"
"When they interrupt me mid sentence."
"If it sometimes happens on accident whenever they think of something and get over-excited it’s whatevs. Now when they constantly step over you it’s like your opinion merely feels like filler at best and they ain’t even listening. Not even worth the energy to continue at that point."
"One of my coworkers only listens long enough to figure out what she's going to say next, and then she interrupts. I guess we're only there to feed her lines."
"When someone gives you completely useless advice you didn't ask for. A couple weeks ago I mentioned to a coworker that I was glad to be going home because I didn't get more than a couple hours of sleep."
"Dude first of all had the audacity to say 'Well, you need to do better.' When I said I have medication resistant insomnia he looks at me like I'm an idiot and asks if I've tried melatonin."
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are stupider than that. And it doesn’t take you very long to spot one of them, does it. Take you about eight seconds. You’ll be listening to some guy, and say, this guy is f**king stupid. Then, then there are some people, they’re not stupid. They’re full of crap."
"Huh, that doesn’t take very long to spot, either, does it. Take you about the same amount of time. You’ll be listening to some guy, saying, well, he’s fairly intelligent. Ah, he’s full of s**t. Then there are some people, they’re not stupid, they’re not full of s**t, they’re freaking nuts."
Gross...Disgusted Emma Stone GIFGiphy
"Sexualization. We're talking about a new video game and suddenly I get asked if I play naked, or if I'm turned on by a game mechanic or some such nonsense. Yuck."
Good conversation is hard to keep these days.
Do you have any conversational red flags to add? Let us know in the comments below.
People Describe The Most Intense Moment Of Their Life That They'll Never Forget
Moments of distress where you think your life is on the line are unshakable.
Many people have at one point experienced situations where they thought they wouldn't come out the other side alive but are somehow spared through some miracle.
They are lucky enough to tell their stories.
From mild to wild, strangers online shared their most humbling experiences when Redditor Intelligent_Role_675 asked:
"What was the most intense moment of your life?"
Traffic accidents were a common example in which Redditors feared for their lives.
The Universe Had Other Plans
"My ancient, used car randomly decided to stop working while I was doing about 70mph on the freeway. I skidded out, couldn't gain control of the skid, and slammed straight into a metal guardrail. I crashed through the guardrail, flew off the side of the freeway, and impaled my car halfway through a tree. I was perfectly fine afterwards, but my car was a smoking wreck. It was virtually unrecognizable as an automobile, it was so messed up. But I was ok. Not a scratch on my body."
"The moment my car spun out of control, and I knew I was going over the edge at that speed, I assumed I was going to die. I gripped the wheel, closed my eyes, and made my peace with the universe."
"For some reason, the universe decided it wasn't done with me. I was shocked to open my eyes and find myself alive and unharmed. Truly shocked. I thought for sure I was going to die."
"To this day, I'm always a little bit shook whenever I drive past that section of the freeway. For years, you could see the skid marks on the road. They cleared them off eventually, but it took a long-a** time."
Reclaiming Loose Articles
"I had a wreck years ago. A semi clipped the front passenger side with its trailer and sent me spinning, then started to flip when my car got caught by those metal cable barriers. I was going backwards down the interstate as the cables just shredded the passenger side of my car. The trunk busted open and I saw a tote bag that was holding my hair stuff and makeup fly in front of me as my car was trying to stop. When it started to flip, my head bounced off the driver's side window."
"Finally, when it was over, I was sitting there just stunned. Then, my stupid brain decided I needed to walk out on the interstate to go find my flatiron. Because apparently I thought, hey, I have head trauma, but I can still look good🤦♀️."
There are heroes around us.
Trapped In A Burning Car
"Driving to work one morning. Icky, rainy day, lots of highway traffic. I assume a car hydroplaned in front of me but it was far enough ahead that I couldn’t tell exactly what happened. Took out several other cars with him. Highway was basically completely blocked."
"I was essentially the first car to pull up on the wreck and one of the more badly damaged cars was already on fire. Myself and a couple strangers run up to the car and realize his door is jammed. One of the guys starts kicking the window. I’m not sure how much time has passed (probably not much) but you can feel the heat and making eye contact with this dude you can see the fear in his eyes."
"I ran to the passenger side and as I’m pulling on the handle the driver is kicking on the door from the inside. It popped open enough that I was able to grab a portion of the door itself and we were able to pull it open and pull him out."
"I went to work but I shook for hours from the adrenaline."
The River Wild
"Saving a woman from drowning. We were River tubing in a river that was way way more aggressive than normal. Long story short a woman got dumped off her tube and pinned under a log next to me. I had to bail on my tube and fight to get to her and pull her up, she was under for a few minutes. I was shaking for hours after. Two teenagers died there the next day."
"Moral of the story, if you’re going river tubing and the tubing company that normally runs there isn’t operating it’s probably because it’s unsafe."
These Redditors didn't know what hit them.
The Human Body Is Unpredictable
"Two and a half yrs ago I woke up halfway on my way to work with blurry sight and an immobile body. I assume it was on a sidewalk. I remember I wondered if I had died, but quickly shifted to a theory of suddenly gotten drunk on a tuesday morning. But that didn’t make any sense. Couldn’t grasp what was going on, really. Suddenly an older man rushed to me and asked if I was ok. I said yeah. He told me to lie still. Looked concerned. An ambulance came and took me to the nearest ER - about 1 km down the road. It was a stroke. Still puts me off a bit when I think about it. Occasional aphasia, but pretty much fine now."
The Wrong Shot
"Had a severe allergic reaction and collapsed in the stairs of the cultural history museum. I had been prescribed penicillin a few days earlier. It turns out that this particular type of penicillin can cause me to die."
"Took four 9mm rounds to the chest while delivering pizza."
"Was delivering to a party, and some kids jumped out and pointed a gun at me. When I first saw the gun I thought it was some kids trying to prank me with a bb gun or something. I heard 4 loud bangs. Next thing I know I was on the ground and I felt them tugging on my keys that I had clipped to a belt loop."
"I remember one of them actually crying, and I remember him saying sorry over and over."
"Don't know how long I was there but that party I was supposed to deliver too emptied out and I remember hearing a lot of crying and screaming. I just remember some guy saying, 'don't close your eyes dude, stay with me.'"
"Ambulance got there and picked me up, and from there it was going in and out, felt like I was just a passenger in my own body."
"The kids who mugged me and stole my car got picked up like 20 mins later at a gas station trying to use my card to fill the car. They all ended up going away for several years, and I got 4 scars that raise eyebrows everytime I go to the beach."
Part Of The Atmosphere
"Probably jumping out of a plane. Unfortunately I don't remember the first few seconds, which was exactly what they warned us would happen. You go from a somewhat known environment into an entirely new one and I guess it's literally just too much to process. Next thing I knew, I was under canopy, and I knew what to do with that."
The Big Tremor
"I was stationed in South Korea in 2015-2016. This was when the north had been initiating a wave of nuclear tests. It was a Monday evening, me and some of the guys from my shop were taking a Korean language class on base after hours (basic sh*t like how to tell a cab driver where you were going, etc)"
"The heightened tensions because of the nuclear test had everyone pretty on edge. The classroom we were in had no windows, and we couldn't see outside. The building started shaking, violently. We all thought it had happened, and the world was about to end."
"In reality, A 5.8 earthquake hit not far from base."
"Once we walked outside, didnt see a mushroom cloud, and realized we hadn't become the ww3 rapid response force, we all had a good laugh about it. But for about 2 minutes, it was the opposite of funny."
Almost losing a loved one can be the scariest thing in life.
A Father's Worst Nightmare
"When my son was 2.5yo he had a febrile (fever-induced) seizure in my arms. I thought he was dying - scariest, most intense moment of my life."
"He’s fine now. Never re-occurred, but we went after any fever hard with alternating Tylenol and Advil for both him and his brother after that."
"My special needs son had his first seizure when he was 1. My wife was in Mexico for a wedding and I heard him breathing funny, like snoring. I looked at him and he was grey and unresponsive. I was terrified, I didn't know whether to do CPR or what. I called my mother in law who is a nurse but I couldn't reach her. He came out of it after about 2 minutes and I just held him and held him. He's had like 50 seizures since then, some of them lasting upwards of 20 mins. He had one this morning, actually. Every time it happens we think it might be his last. The scariest part to me is that I know it will start as any normal day then my life will change forever."
These moments shared by Redditors are a reminder that tomorrow is never guaranteed.
And whenever we encounter a life-threatening situation and end up living long enough to tell the story, each day following is a blessed day to be alive.
We can't ever prepare for the worst, but we can embrace the present with every fiber of our being.
Everyone has their own opinion about what qualifies as a good read, whether based on literary merit or the joy of reading it.
But there are some titles that people can pretty easily agree took a turn that really didn't do the book any favors.
Redditor 2D_brain asked:
"What's the worst book you've ever read?"
50 Shades of Grey
"'50 Shades of Grey.' It's just the worst. Not remotely interesting. There is way better erotica out there. Way better. This is just the worst."
The Darksword Trilogy
"'The Darksword Trilogy' by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman. It started out as a decent enough swords and sorcery series. Nothing special, but an amusing time-waster."
"Then, towards the end of the last book, a wormhole opens up, and the US Army invaded their fantasy realm."
"I’ve read 'Mein Kampf' for a history project and it definitely is the worst piece of literature I've ever read."
"Not only by the message, which already would make it the worst, but it’s just horrible writing. Feels more like an angry social media comment than a book."
The Boy in the Striped Pajamas
"I want to tack on 'The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas,' as well. It's not literal Nazi propaganda, but it basically perpetuates Nazi myths like the Clean Wehrmacht and has you sympathize with the Nazis. In fact, not any Nazi, but an SS and leader of the Auschwitz camp."
"But even ignoring the plot itself, the book is so awful. It's full of historical inaccuracies. It claims to aim to bring awareness of the Holocaust to a young audience, but there are so many better literary works including those written by actual children as they went through the experience. But nope, let's go with the historically inaccurate book written by someone with basically no connection to the Holocaust (like, not Jewish, minority, researcher, that kind of thing) stupid drivel."
"So, of course, it made millions and got a movie out of it. There are now millions of children who think this story is true and might have become more sympathetic to Nazis as a result as well. None of that money (last time I checked, has admittedly been a while) went towards anything relating to education (or awareness...) regarding the Holocaust or anything else related or tangentially related to the Holocaust."
"I hate this book. It's nonsense and it is insidious."
Go Ask Alice
"'Go Ask Alice' when you’re old enough to realize it’s just propaganda to scare kids and not an actually found diary of a drug user."
Go Set a Watchman
"'Go Set a Watchman.'"
"'To Kill a Mockingbird' is a masterpiece. Her first book, it won the Pulitzer and then Harper Lee lived the rest of her life a recluse, never publishing another work. UNTIL… her caretaker/grifter sister came forward right before Harper passed away and announced to the world that there actually was another book, a sequel to TKAM."
"It was awful. Poorly written, boring story, rehashed characters…except for Atticus Finch. In Mockingbird, he was one of the greatest characters in american literature. In Watchman, he was a dime-a-dozen redneck racist. There was clearly a reason she never published it."
"'Wicked.' My wife and I listened to the audiobook on a road trip because friends had invited us to see the play. It was way too long and I remember it seeming like it was written by several different writers who didn't really communicate with each other."
"One was a totally nuts conspiracy theorist, another was on a really bad acid trip, and another was a child from a strict household who'd been told they could use no-no words and say naughty things all they wanted."
"We came super close to making up an excuse to not see the play but luckily we didn't. The play was actually terrific! If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend going. Just skip the book."
"Everything after Book Three of the 'Maximum Ride' series. I use them as my go-to examples of bad writing and they are what made me entirely lose faith in James Patterson. The last book especially cost me so many brain cells."
"I wish I'd had the foresight to stop with Book Three, but I finished the whole thing. The last book was... interesting. The whole thing had the most self-contradicting plot and conflict stuffed with a hasty attempt to wrap up loose ends by just killing everyone and just as the cherry on top, the sky explodes in the end? I don't know, it was kind of unclear."
The Divergent Trilogy
"I loved that series so much until that ending..."
The Dune Prequels
"'The Dune' prequel books written by Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson. Talk about missing the point of the original series! They read like a YA fan fiction based in the Dune universe."
"I was hoping someone would mention Colleen Hoover, if only to talk about how absolutely terrible and hilarious her book 'Slammed' is. Reading it was honestly just such a ridiculous experience that I may never find again in another book."
"'The Necronomicon.' I found it pretty boring and repetitive after the first five pages. Got halfway and said f**k this and read 'Good Omens' again."
"'Darling Girl' by Liz Michalski. It’s a Peter Pan spinoff where Peter Pan impregnates Holly Darling, Wendy’s daughter, and then abandons them, and when the girl is a teenager, Peter tries to take the daughter back."
"I couldn’t stomach the idea of Peter Pan, a childlike figure, impregnating someone and all that ick. Peter Pan is 'the boy who never grew up.' But he’s a father now? No thanks. I got about 30 pages in, and literally gave up."
"'The Fountainhead.' I was going to put 'Atlas Shrugged' down until I remembered how much worse 'The Fountainhead' was. And yes, I read both; any suffering inflicted by 'Atlas Shrugged' was something I deserved."
Everyone has a right to their own opinion, and they should not be ashamed to read what they love to read. But they also should not feel bad about wasting time on a book they are not enjoying, when there are hundreds and thousands of books out there that they'll love that they could read instead.
Some people don't take in information as quickly as others.
Which is absolutely nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, nor does it necessarily reflect on one's intelligence.
Even so, we all can't help but feel the tiniest embarrassed when we've found ourselves a little slow on the uptake regarding certain pieces of information.
Be it a random fact of trivia that everyone knows, or even realizing there's a reason your parents were trying to instill a life lesson in you.
Being hit by a ton of bricks might actually be a welcome relief to the embarrassment that will run through your body.
"What did you learn embarrassingly late in life?"
It's Hard To Love Others If You Don't Love Yourself
"Trying to treat myself as I would others."
"The ol' reverse golden-rule."- kageroshajima
Hey, It Worked!
"My grandmother had a clock that would break if anyone touched or tried to move it."
"I always found that curious."
"Then some time in my 30s my wife and I were talking and it came up."
"I was wondering how they moved it out of their house after they passed."
"As I was explaining, 'I think it must have had some delicately balanced mechanism or something that would be disrupted if moved...'
" My wife’s face made me quickly realize it was just a lie told to young me to keep my dirty clumsy hands off of it."
"Also, I’m an engineer."- P-eh-triot
Do We Ever Really Grow Up?
"There's no such thing as 'feeling like an adult'."
"I'm 34 and still forget I'm an adult sometimes lol."- scelestai
Hey, It's Not For Everyone...
"Riding a bike at 15."- Graehaus
"That my height shapes how people perceive what I say."
"I'm a 6'4 male with a deep voice."
"I learned it at 40 when I had a boss who was 6'6."
"I was suddenly aware of my own height and the power position, looking up to him."
"I realized pretty much everyone is looking up at me, and I began smiling more and asking people questions about themselves to reduce the power implications of my height."- ClydePincusp
Easy To Get Tripped Up On Exotic Spellings
"How to say the last name Nguyen."- TD-Eagles
Though It Wouldn't Surprise Many If She Did...
"Martha Stewart does not own Martha's Vineyard...."- valhalla-at-your-grl
Shouldn't Be The Case... But Sadly Often Is...
"Hr is there to protect the company, not you."
"Hr is not your friend."- Puzzleheaded-Mood689
Just Focused On The Wrong Possibilities
"It never made sense to me that we would go under tables during an earthquake, because wouldn't the ground crack open?"
"The table wouldn't do anything then?"
"Wasn't until last year I realized that it was to stop debris from falling on us."
Easy To Get Tripped Up On Math...
"4% of 25 is the same as 25% of 4."- cdn_gooner
A Penny Saved...
"The importance of saving money or buying property early."- wetpickle_antichrist
Too Many People Need Reminding Of This Every Day...
"Who I am is more important than how I look."- Lazy-Thanks8244
Oral Hygiene Is Tougher Than You Think
"How to brush my teeth."
"I was super neglected as a child so that is something I've always struggled with and even after going to a dentist for 2 years and having exams every 4 months I only learned last month that you need to brush your gums."- HersheySquirtz2014·
"I learned that we're supposed to brush both sides of our teeth."
"The inner side needs to be brushed as well."
"I saw all of the commercials just showing them brushing the outer portion so I assumed that this is the way."- FaTes-EnD
Your Life Is Yours To Live!
"That I don't have to become a mother if I don't want to."- detective_kiara
Needless to say, should you find yourself making this realization in certain company, you might be met with jeers and laughter.
But as the saying goes, "slow and steady wins the race".