Traditional marriage in today's world can get to be a bit of a sticky subject. Most people don't formally ask for the hand in marriage, but when it's a music wouldn't you just roll with the punches for your love?
u/throwawayandpanic asks My BF (M25) won't ask for my hand, and my dad (M48) is staging a family boycott my wedding. Is my boyfriend being selfish? The details are as follows:
I've been with my boyfriend (M25) for three years. We both just finished school, and are finally ready for marriage. He proposed last week and I happily said yes. I could not be happier. I love him and he is going to be an awesome dad someday. But my bf is very new school and my dad is kind of old school.
My dad was beyond mad that my boyfriend did not ask my dad for my hand before proposing. My dad said he was willing to hear my boyfriend's apology if my boyfriend formally asks for my hand at a dinner that my dad said he will pay for at the restaurant of my boyfriend's choosing. My dad feels like he is being very accommodating. He will bring my boyfriend's favorite wine to celebrate. I spoke to my boyfriend last night and he won't budge. He doesn't believe in that tradition.
My boyfriend showed me an article online where a Pakistani woman was stoned to death outside a courthouse because she married a man against her family's wishes. This just happened. My boyfriend who witnessed his father be abusive/possessive with his mom as a child has always felt strongly that women are not property. He thinks the tradition of asking for her had is repulsive. His point is that he's met my whole family, and gotten to know them. He says they have always known his intentions and he never made it secret that he was in love with me and wanted to marry me and have children. He feels he was done enough to announce his intentions and all of them seemed to "approve" of him. He says that at this point he only needs my approval to marry him and nobody else's.
So yesterday my mom told me that my dad who is not even speaking to me because I won't set my foot down with my boyfriend is calling the whole family and telling them to not attend my wedding. My mom says that my boyfriend is the one treating me like property by not letting me have a say in his decision to not observe a tradition that my two older sisters' husbands observed.
I told my mother that I understand where my boyfriend is coming from and that I have decided to do away with the tradition of him asking for my hand. So my mother is obviously mad and said that I should be ready for serious consequences. I asked her what and she would not say. But from talking to my sister she said that they would black ball us from all family gatherings. My two sister's and my mom have told me my boyfriend is being selfish. The wedding is set for August 9th. I'm worried that nobody in my family will attend my wedding.
It's a two way street
Giphy
"My dad feels like he is being very accommodating."
No, both he and your mother are being controlling. And they are attempting to make you choose between your fiance and them. Choose your fiance, otherwise you're setting precedent for this type of behavior/interference for the rest of your marriage.
It's all or nothing
Giphy
Fine, go ahead and agree to your parents' stone age demand--but make sure they pay your fiance your full worth in cattle and/or loot.
No dowry, no request for hand in marriage--if they want the old traditions, they can have all of them.
Sounds like a power struggle
Giphy
It's one thing for a father to be a bit disappointed he wasn't asked for his daughter's hand. It's a grossly out-dated tradition, but some people lkle the old ways, like giving the bride away.
But your parents threatening to boycott your wedding amd "other consequences" is incredibly extreme and unreasonable. If my parents threatened to boycott the happiest day of my life on the basis of something so petty, I'd say, "See ya."
Your parents aren't upset that you and your partner aren't honouring old traditions. They're upset that you're not kissing ass. Your father obviously still intends to be the most important person in your life, and he is angry his control is threatened.
Women are not property anymore
Giphy
If you and your boyfriend share the same belief that women are not property, then you need to put your foot down with your whole family.
Tell them all this is what YOU are doing. YOU are marrying this guy. And YOU are hoping they all come to the wedding, but YOU will understand if they don't.
If you are arguing in favor of empowering women and no longer being viewed as a property, then stand up for YOURSELF and tell everyone how it's going to be.
And then do not engage in anymore discussion about it.
This is your family, and you need to be the one to drawn the clear, bright line. You aren't just "supporting" your fiance in this argument, you are the one creating the boundary.
Good luck!
A simple solution
Giphy
If your parents threaten to boycott the marriage, tell them you're prepared to elope.
A spiraling situation
Giphy
Your family is being kind of...rude. Threatening your boyfriend and your wedding because he doesn't want to do a tradition that he has seen as harmful is rather selfish of THEM! Your boyfriend is doing the right thing by not asking your father.
More to the point, this could have some slippery slope stuff either way. If he caved into your father's demand, it could spiral into more demands and threats, because your father would have power over your boyfriend, whether you want that to be the case or not.
Straight up rude
Giphy
Your family isnt being kind of rude. They are being rude. This is much more about you than it is about them. If you are fine with it then that should be the end of the story.
You always have his family
Giphy
Try to talk to members of your family individually, a written message will probably help. Let them each know that you'd really appreciate them turning up, that it would be hurtful to boycott your wedding over something that you believe that you and your boyfriend are perfectly within your rights to do. Hopefully some members of your family will sympathise and understand. If not, you have my sympathies, but at least you're about to enter into a whole new family.
Time to talk to dad
Giphy
This is just my opinion. I think your father sounds like an insane rage monster, and he thinks he owns your vagina. I find this to be beyond creepy. Your boyfriend sounds cool.
Also, even if your boyfriend had wanted to go along with this charade, your dad has now made this utterly impossible by forming your extended family into a marriage-boycott brigade. This is about your dad's sense of ownership over you.
This is not your father's wedding
Giphy
Ok. I can understand tradition and following tradition. BUT you know what's 10000x more important than tradition? YOUR DAUGHTER'S HAPPINESS. Like seriously f****** hell. Why is your father taking a huge decision that will impact his daughter's future and happiness and making it about him? About what HE wants? Like why can't he be happy and supportive for his daughter who's marrying the love of her life? Who is taking this huge step into her future and would need someone by her side, helping her?
The excuses people use to dismiss behavior range from mundane and meaningless to the sort of leaps normally reserved for kangaroos and Olympians. It's sometimes amazing that these excuses work - but they do.
Some of them work so well that they're just sort of "accepted." That, obviously, kind of sucks and is something we should avoid - so let's talk about 'em.
Can't swerve around what you don't see, ya know?
Reddit user TMTtasmachine asked:
What's the biggest excuse used for a-hole behavior that shouldn't be accepted as much as it is?
... and away we go.
Jerk Privileges
" 'That's just how they are.' "
"One of the biggest enablers for tantrum throwing, bullying, etc. is that they get treated with kid gloves to avoid dealing with them." - alexrt87
"Oh my God you hit the nail on the head. Whenever someone says 'that's just the way they are' I say:"
" 'Yes, that's the point! Glad you noticed too! Now is it okey-doke for them to be jerks they have special jerk privileges? Or maybe they are just people and should treat everyone else as such?' " - notatrumpchump
"It depends on how it's said."
"People are the way that they are, and you shouldn't be surprised when they continue to be that way."
"This, obviously, doesn't excuse it - but people also shouldn't be surprised when a bad person continues to make bad decisions. Neither should we waste space in our minds being bothered by it." - unlawfulfoxy
Harassment Isn't Humor
season 2 lol GIF by ShamelessGiphy" 'It's just a joke, bro.' Harassing people isn't humor." - loading__99
"Schrödinger's Douchebag"
"A guy who says/does offensive things and decides whether he was joking based on the reaction of people around him." - Eatsleeptren
"Dude, legit had someone come up to me and start shouting in my face, calling me Madison, pretending I was cheating on him. Literally the most crowded location outside a theater, everyone staring at us, looking at me like I was some horrible cheater while I was out with my then fiancé."
"I started hyperventilating, my fiancé nearly decked the dude, and then someone shouts 'CUT' like this is some big 'YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA' moment and everything's supposed to be okay."
"I burst into tears."
"It was the most humiliating moment of my life, and thank god my then fiancé, now husband is not the type to overreact or jump to conclusions, or be abusive. Imagine how bad that could have been for someone with an angry or abusive partner."
"Prank videos are a plague on the internet and there is a REASON so many of them are fake, or involve actors." - Darkovika
Stay Sober, Then!
Drunk Drinking Beer GIFGiphy" 'I was drunk / high / etc.' "
"Then don't drink?! Stay sober if you can't NOT be an a**hole!" - BasedBenjamin
"Alternately, I hear a lot of 'I'm a happy drunk!' "
"Yeah, according to your drunk a$s. That doesn't mean you're not an ahole. Not remembering is not an excuse either." - PepeBabinski
"I was that guy. I swore I was a 'happy drunk' - and I was. It was everyone ELSE who was miserable while I was happy."
"I was also loud, obnoxious, and I wouldn't remember sh*t the next day."
"Quitting drinking has been one of my best choices of my life." - TTungsteNN
"Help"
new girl coach GIFGiphy" 'I'm just trying to help you' " - Miserable-Air1234
"Every time I've heard this, they're manipulating me while helping only themselves." - mykittenfarts
"My Mom to a T. Everything she does is better than anyone else's and she always gets pissed that people don't praise her for 'helping.' "
"She's now a certified (by herself) psychic and I have come to the conclusion that she's not a covert narcissist but an obvious one. I really wish I was joking." - Silent_Discussion657
Parenting Problems
Leave Me Alone Run GIF by TLC EuropeGiphy"Any variation of 'I'm a Mother/parent.' "
"Had some lady cut me in line at a coffee shop and she hit me with 'I'm a single Mom of 3!' as her excuse."
"Ok? And? I was still here first." - maid-for-hire
"I'm a single mom and I f*cking haaaate when other single moms/parents pull that sh*t to get special treatment."
"Last week, I was having a rough morning, my kid was being difficult, and I was running late. I was rude to a cashier over a minor inconvenience."
"Not only did I apologize for my shitty behavior, I wrote corporate to let them know how professional and patient she was while I acted like a f*cking toddler."
"Was being a parent part of the reason I was frustrated? Absolutely. Was it an excuse for that behavior? HELL no."
"I acted like a b*tch, and I called myself out, and I apologized. I still feel bad about that - I rarely let things get to me to the point I snap at others." - ClusterfckyShtshow
"Wow. I'm a Mom as well and tired but it doesn't give anyone a right to use it as some sort of ploy to get away with stuff."
"Like, mice become Moms about 12 times a year. You're not special 🤣" - SpoonLoops
Believing Your Boss
The Office Monday GIF by 20th Century Fox Home EntertainmentGiphy"I had a boss say some really racist sh*t around me one day and the next day, out of nowhere, he says:"
" 'Don't believe half the things that come out of my mouth!' "
"It was not really an excuse, more like trying to cover for himself after the fact, but still stuck with me." - sirlongbottom441
"Report them to HR. Seriously." - kokichi--ouma
"Looking past the racist stuff for a bit, that's not a very encouraging thing to hear from a boss…" - WonderfulBlackberry9
Bad Day Again
Bad Day Reaction GIF by Schitt's CreekGiphy" 'I'm having a bad day/week' "
"Okay, so you decide everybody that you interact with deserves the same fate? Get out of here, dude." - myordinaryexistence
"We all got stress, don't take it out on me. I get some people have stress bad enough for it to be passable every once and a while (family member passing, etc) but general, stress should not lead to you being a jerk to me." - willsimpforfree
"Damn, I'm definitely guilty of this. Usually I remember to apologize after but at this point I've learned to just avoid the situation in the first place by minimizing my interaction with people if I'm in a shitty mood." - nozzzrul
"Reminds me of when that White boy went on a murder rampage and killed a bunch of Asian women & that a-hole sheriff gave a press conference telling the media that the 'poor boy had a bad day.' "
"My idea of a bad day involves going home after a rough day at work and just staying in the house."
"Apparently, I should change my ethnicity from Asian to White and go on a murder rampage, see if my @ss gets a sympathetic sheriff to say on my behalf that I had 'a bad day.' " - kingkazul400
It's Not An Excuse
Season 2 Reaction GIF by FriendsGiphy"This won't go down well, but using depression as an excuse. As someone who suffers from it, it's still not ok to treat others like sh*t" - Rainbowwallstickers
"Could not agree enough. My partner has a 'friend' who treats everyone like sh*t all the time, has no consideration for others and openly mocks people in public."
"She gets so much grace from those around her under the guise of her 'mental health.' It's so infuriating watching an adult woman never have to take responsibility for her actions." - 34boor
"I get there are some things you can't control, but you are still responsible for keeping that sh*t in check and if you're aware of your mental illness, you should be aware of how you approach people and situations."
"I'll admit I used to be guilty of using my mental illness to be an @ss, but now I'm trying to better myself" - VeeSquibbles
Florida Gonna Florida
Looney Tunes Florida GIFGiphy"People are letting Florida off the hook way too damn much. And I live in Florida."
"Just because it's hilarious doesn't mean it isn't still completely f*cked up." - AlphaWhiskeyOscar
"The phrase 'Florida Man' is almost always followed some heinous way a Floridian is being an a$$hole." - PepeBabinski
"I'm also originally from Florida, and that state has serious problems. We need to pay attention to it." - [Reddit]
Moment of honesty ... as a Floridian ... yeaaaah, I'm gonna have to agree with that last one.