Boyfriend Catches GF Worsening Her Injuries For Sympathy, And Seeks Advice
Millions of people struggle with self-harm every single day. Their reasons are as varied and unique as they are. it's a dangerous tendency that people absolutely can overcome, but it requires a lot of work and support. Having said that, the self-harming person has to be willing to accept that help.
What do you do when you catch a loved one hurting themselves but they refuse to acknowledge it?
That's the position one Reddit found himself in when he posted asking for advice:
My girlfriend Lacy and I have been dating 2 years. She's a lovely person and we make a great couple.
Two weeks ago Lacy and I went downhill skiing. I'm an experienced skier and she had only been once before. I admit I pushed her abilities and lo and behold, she wiped out pretty hard. She wasn't seriously hurt or anything and got right back up with a smile on her face.
Her legs got pretty bruised up from the fall (she was wearing only thin workout leggings since it was quite warm out). It looks like someone splashed green paint on her, if that makes sense. And she has a particularly nasty big purple one on her thigh.
Lacy has always been the type to show off injuries. For as long as I've known her she has always showed me even the tiniest of bruises either for sympathy or attention (like she would say it was shaped as Texas or something). She has some body image issues and I know that she really likes the attention so I will usually give it to her no problem.
Yesterday though I came home from work early (power went out at my building). I walked in pretty quietly as I usually do and went straight to our bedroom. I could hear music coming from it and wanted to greet her.
I basically opened the door and saw her with a hammer in her hands mid hit. The hammer hit her bruised leg the moment I walked in. It was absolutely surreal and I admit - I freaked out a bit. I went to her and took the hammer and started asking her what she was doing?
She freaked out right back and told me that she was rubbing the blood vessels or something to make the bruises go away faster. I knew this was bullshit right away since you don't "rub" by smacking yourself with a fricken hammer.
She left after I told her I didn't believe her and texted me shortly after to say she was going home for a few days.
I sat down on the bed with that hammer in my hands for like an hour completely floored. I know it sounds crazy but she hit herself hard. I've seen those bruises every day and now that I've seen her do this I am thinking that it was weird that they haven't gotten even the slightest bit lighter despite it being two weeks now.
I know she has some issues but I would never have thought she would hurt herself.
Reddit, I'm freaked out. She will be back tomorrow. How do I talk to her about this?
Users were surprisingly open with their responses. People gave advice and even shared stories of their own self-harming experiences. If that sort of thing is difficult or triggering for you to read, you may want to move on to another article. For the rest of you, here are some of the top responses. Some have been edited for content or clarity.
Parents Help
I am 45. I can tell you from experience and seeing it many times. Telling her parents will help her if she is inclined to accept advice and help from her parents. However, your relationship will take a hit. Especially if she truly believes her self harm is not a big deal and is deluding herself. You may be seen as someone that is willing to turn her in. In a word, betrayal.
The most important thing is to talk to her substantively before you tell her parents.
If she does seek professional help that should lesson any possible feelings of betrayal. If she knows she has a problem and her initial reaction of being caught was just knee-jerk denial to save face, you will have an easier time in your relationship if you do tell her parents. Particularly so if her parents support her in getting help and she is welcoming of it.
Best of luck and wishing you the best.
So Much Attention
I remember when I was younger I loved being ill, and I was jealous of my brother who had all sorts of health problems and he got so much attention for it (but he didn't get ALL the attention, my parents loved me and my brothers equally which is why it's odd that I did these things). If I ever got sick I loved being put on medication because I'd get more special attention for it. I'd also do stupid stuff like eating raw chicken in the hopes of getting salmonella. I think for me it came down to extremely low self esteem which is in my opinion probably the same for this guy's girlfriend.
Be Understanding
I've done this before. I make injuries worse or create injuries specifically with a hammer. I didn't think many people did that. On this thread there are some people who think she's doing it for attention others are jumping to Munchhausen's or self harming. It doesn't really matter which of these it is - she needs help. But more than anything she needs you to be understanding right now.
When I do it there is no reason. I can't actually explain it and if you ask me why I would say it was because I had to. So when you bring it up support her talk to her and don't treat her like there is something disgusting or unfixable about her. Having someone talk to you, pay attention to you, and treat you like a normal human being goes a long way even without psychiatric help.
Bittersweet
When I was ~20 I was with a girl who had an eating disorder, which I witnessed getting worse, but which she denied.
I was young and quite unsure how to handle it myself, so I spoke to her parents about it. It wasn't a mistake, and I don't regret it, because they took the right steps and she has since got a lot better, but she never really trusted me again after that, and it destroyed our relationship.
Very bittersweet for me, because I loved her oh so much and it tore us apart, but at the same time telling her parents meant that she got the help she needed.
Center Of Attention
When I was about 11 I hurt my ankle playing soccer and had to wear a leg brace. At the time I thought it was the greatest thing ever. I was shy and had very few friends but everyone would come up to ask about it. I was the centre of attention and I loved it. I would go out of my way to try and make it worse so that the attention would continue. This included things like hitting it.
It sounds like your girlfriend has some self esteem issues. In your post you mentioned how you give her quite a bit of attention when she is injured and how she goes out of her way to show you. This is probably adding to the problem. She is probably embarrassed that she has gotten caught and is doing her best to deny it happened. Unfortunately, I am not too sure what you can do. I grew out of it as I became an adult and less obsessed with what other people thought but it was a long process.
Don't back down in the situation though. Be firm (not mean though) about what you have seen and let her know that you are concerned about her. She needs to know that it is unacceptable and dangerous. She may continue to deny. I would suggest asking if she would considering seeing a therapist with you. If you talk to her parents you might want to ask them for advice versus "telling" on her. I am not suggesting you would do that but I just don't want it to seem like you are ganging up on her. If you can't get her to admit to it then you might have to reconsider you relationship. It is sad but if she refuses help, let alone the fact that there is a problem, then you can't do much.
Beyond Your Expertise
I think you need to ask yourself do you want to help her or do you want to enable her? I used to be like your girlfriend, and I honestly did it for attention and sympathy. Eventually, I grew out of it but I do live with triggers every time I hurt myself. However, your girlfriend could have some serious self-esteem issues that go beyond your expertise or beyond it just being a phase.
Sit her down, tell her you care about her, but what's she's doing to herself is not healthy or okay. She may flip out, but stay patient. If she admits everything, then wonderful; find her some help. If she denies denies denies, you need to think really hard what's best for you because her problem may become an even bigger one that leads to consequences for you.
- allfor1
Encourage Her To Get Help
You poor thing, it's very sad that you had to witness this, and now have to bare with the burden of seeing it.
Your girlfriend certainly sounds as if she's a self-harmer. It comes in all forms; not simply 'cutting' yourself. As you've said, she receives attention from injuries, which gives her affirmation and sympathy, making her feel cared for.
How very sad, to want to hurt yourself in order to feel good from the responses. How sad also, that you must feel responsible for how to fix this.
My only advice is to firstly, never give her attention for any future injuries, no matter how minor. It's unfortunately fuelling and enabling her greatly. Do not be her enabler, as her boyfriend you are her main source of attention.
Then start teaching her how to love herself naturally for who she is, not from self-infliction. Slowly, subtly...hold her, love her. Don't feel as if you need to give her extra attention, though.
Mainly, try to encourage her to get help. Someone professional to talk to; even the suggestion itself will possibly help her see fit. Just try your hardest not to enable a single act she does further.
Cold And Practical
I'm fully expecting to be down voted to oblivion for being a cold and vicious a$$hole but I hope you at least read this advice.
This is sad and difficult and sounds like something she's going to be dealing with, or fighting, for the rest of her life. Regardless of whether or not she gets help, and regardless of whether or not the help actually helps, stuff like this doesn't just disappear completely. The underlying whatever that was a part of her her, making her self harm, doesn't get chopped out of the brain. Wouldn't you want to know that you could trust someone even at their most stressed or needy?
This is harsh but I've seen how the people on this site write about their mental illnesses. It sounds like nothing that I would ever want to deal with--normal people aren't constantly triggered by things. It is exhausting dealing with people with Problems with a capital p. And what if you have kids? Neurotic people don't just come to be from their environment, it's genetic too. You can spot certain trends in families and some people and families are bad at dealing with the things that life throws at them. What breaks one person will not break another. I'd rather be with the latter than the former.
You can give it any word you want--sensitive, troubled, delicate--but some people are not strong when life throws them curve balls. That's just how it is. Everyone has a certain threshold for handling stress and I personally wouldn't want to be with someone with such a weak threshold. Hitting herself with a hammer? Jesus H. Christ.
I'm not being empathetic here. I'm being cold. But in a real sense, you have to be practical. She sounds like the last person that I would ever want to trust. I have family members who have Problems and, while the hand that life dealt them sucks and I can empathize with them to a point, you should see what a royal fuckup they make of their lives and the lives of the people around them. I'm speaking from the perspective of that experience, btw. It's kind of turned me off of people with mental problems because all I have seen them do is take. There's not much give. That in itself might be part of the illness, but pretending that a mental illness isn't part of someone is like me pretending that my extra bony and weird-looking backbone isn't a part of me too.
I don't think I would date a person whose entire family had cancer, either. It's too much of a risk.
Seek Help
Please seek help for her, if you love her and want to stay with her, support her. I have a person in my life that did this type of thing, her boyfriend ignored it. They got married and got pregnant. During the pregnancy she was constantly I'll, due to whatever she was ingesting for attention.
Once the baby was born the baby started having sicknesses. She was giving the child something to make it sick. All to get attention.
Seek help for her and yes, tell her parents.
Punishing Myself
I used to do this. I was very ill with un-diagnosed clinical depression and psychosis, and it was my way of dealing with the pain and showing everyone I could "handle" physical pain. It was also a way of punishing myself for how ungrateful and sh!tty I was feeling. This girl absolutely needs professional help. She is not OK. It puts you in a really tough situation, but I really hope you're able to help her see that this behavior isn't normal and go get some help together.
- lexjac
H/T: Reddit
Have you ever heard of a certain job that people call a career and thought... "PEOPLE PAY YOU FOR THAT?!?!"
All hard, honest work is good work.
And then there is just trash work.
And I don't mean garbage collection, that is honest work.
I don't know how some people live with themselves.
Redditor MrTuxedo1 wanted to discuss the careers they don't believe people should chase. They asked:
"What job do you have no respect for?"
Ticket scalpers. How do you the audacity to say that's a job?
Actual burglars have more empathy.
Disrespectful
"There are debt collectors who call relatives of the deceased to pay off their debts when they are not legally obligated to."
Top_Gun_2021
Shady. Shady.
"Australian Real Estate Agents. Laws don't seem to apply to them. Just as dodgy in sales and rentals alike. Never seen anything like it overseas."
snave_
"I'm in the US, it can vary state by state but my state is pretty strict on realtor laws. Some states require attorney review and there are definitely penalties for being reported for shady sh*t. It does require consumer reporting though."
ilostmytaco
Etransfer
"Where I live, tax info was leaked and now scammers are targeting low income individuals/families (people earning under 30,000 per year) with etransfer scams. I got one the other day that was an etransfer warning that 240$ 'a family member sent me' was about to expire."
SnowyInuk
"That’s disgusting. The scammers know what they’re doing, they know the harm they cause people and yet they don’t care."
surelysandwitch
Should be illegal...
"MLM managers. Not the low level idiots that get suckered into it, they suck too for trying to bring new people into that sh*tshow, but the people who create them know exactly what they are doing and are pretty much the only ones who profit off of it. Should be illegal. Pyramid schemes are illegal. None of them ever get the just desserts except occasionally by vigilantes I assume."
Wereno
I hate debt collectors. Yeah, you calling me one hundred times a week is going to miraculously make money appear.
Animals
"Paparazzi."
VictorBlimpmuscle
"I met Jack Gleeson (King Joffrey from Game of Thrones) at a bus stop in Dublin. Really nice guy but he said he quit acting due to people being nasty online and constant hounding from paparrazi. He's happier now but it sucks that he was pushed away from a career he was quite good at."
goobi94
Scumbags
"The pastors at mega churches whom ask their followers for money for private jets. Absolute scum to abuse others faith for your own greed."
ichancho
"Brian Tamaki is a greedy freaking pig, he takes advantage of so many people who are already struggling. Every time he’s in the local news (which btw is often) I get more and more pissed off at him and his wife. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Tamaki "
surelysandwitch
it’s a thing???
“'Dating Expert.' Sadly it’s a thing. It’s basically a self appointed title that requires no training or qualifications. What’s worse, is that I have a female friend who uses one. It’s very much a blind leading the blind situation."
Mean_Manufacturer_61
"Most of the self proclaimed “dating coaches” I know are women in their late 30s or early 40s who have never been married or had a longer relationship."
ipozgaj
EVIL
"Poachers. Especially big game poachers who purposefully hunt nearly extinct animals from species they know they are on the brink."
"I know there are poachers that come from rural villages who are trying to just put food on the table, which has my sympathy but poachers who come from money and hunt down animals minding their business in most shelters or restricted areas just to put a head on their wall as a trophy are absolutely heinous."
GetterdoneObiwan
I See It All
"Psychic Mediums. Specifically those who prey on the grieving."
JamesDeadite
"I've always found it interesting how many magicians go after people like this. I think it's because they know what it takes to trick people for the art. The slight of hand and mentalism. And they abhor people who use these tactics for such sh*tty purposes."
34HoldOn
I want so bad to believe in psychics and mediums. What say we on that topic?
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The nose is constantly being attacked by odors of the world.
Going through one day without having to hold my breath during a certain point, is a miracle.
Of course, I'm a New Yorker, so I maybe exaggerating for people in the countryside.
What's funnier is odors that are pleasant, that shouldn't be.
Have you ever looked and something and thought... "yuck."
But then you smelled it and it was like... "oh lovely,"
Redditor HappQueue wanted to know what aromas are arousing to the senses that may come as a surprise to many. They asked:
"What smells good but shouldn't?"
For some odd reason I love the things burning. Anything, food, pots, pans. You name it. Weird.
Blow
"Matches/candles on a birthday cake. I remember lighting matches as a kid purely to blow them out and inhale that sweet match-y smell."
semispooked
"guilty good"
"I work at a Chemical plant. We make a highly acidic product that is dark blue, viscus, highly corrosive, and smells exactly like Fruit Loops. It is incredibly disturbing."
Turin082
"Organic chemistry has many 'guilty good' smells. Thiophosgene (sulfur derivative of a chemical weapon used extensively in WW1) apparently smells like meat. Phosgene is used to make polycarbonate, thiophosgene is used to make some sulfur-containing molecules which eventually end up in therapeutic drugs."
HammerTh_1701
I can't huff it...
"Paint, specifically house paint. I love the smell. But anytime I hear that anyone is painting a room or their house, I volunteer. I just love sitting on the floor in a room that's been freshly painted, closing my eyes and just inhaling that slightly chemically, slightly creamy aroma."
Neowza
A Hint of French...
"A fish and chips shop burnt down as couple blocks from work a few years ago. The whole neighborhood smelled amazing for days. Just the slight hint of French fries. Nothing overpowering. It was so awesome. Until I found out someone was trapped in the fire and died."
stevey_frac
Drag
"Race fuel. Instantly puts me in a good mood as it reminds me of going to the drag races with my dad when I was young."
garfnodie
Fuel and matches get me too. And they sort of go together. Interesting.
Just like the Movie...
"The water from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Mmm, bromine."
Stalkerslovemy
"This is one of my favorite scents of all time, and Disney is very aware that people enjoy it. Evidently it’s a lot harder to recreate than just adding bromine to water."
cash4panties
"black widow".
"There's a chicken wing restaurant near my house that has a challenge sauce called "black widow." The owner claims it to be around 500,000 scovilles. A few years back some buddies and I decided to try them, the sauce was a dark molasses color and smelled almost like a BBQ sauce, no hint of the danger that lurked at all. We each grabbed one wing and it went terribly. I don't know how something so spicy could smell so innocent."
Final-Chapter
Endless Weekend
"Hotel/rented rooms whenever you go on vacation. There's this particular smell that just says 'you are on vacation,' especially on a beach/swimming trips/out-of-the-town vacays."
Yummy_Llama
"Bath and Body Works has a plug-in scent called Endless Weekend that replicates that scent (to my humble nose)."
Exxcentrica
"oh no..."
"Someone you are attracted to's body odors. Anyone else who is slightly unhygienic smells repulsive."
Mini_gunslinger
"I remember back in high school a girl leaned over, sniffed me, told me that I smelled really good, and asked me what cologne I was wearing. I asked if she was joking, and she's like, no, you smell really good. When I told her I had just gotten done with gym class, she gets a small 'oh no...' look on her face and turns away. I think we both had a revelation that day."
user deleted
That Smell
"The smell inflatable things give off. I have no idea how to describe it, but it’s… nostalgic? to me."
crestfxllen
I do love the smell of plastics and inflatables. Ahh....
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At one point in time, we've misplaced things that we've considered priceless possessions.
It's hard to imagine how to go on without the lost object–whatever it may be–but over time, it becomes a distant memory and we move on.
That is until we magically find ourselves presented with this opportunity proposed by Redditor mikehotel288, who asked:
"You find yourself in a room with everything you’ve ever lost in your life. What do you look for first?"
There are necessities people cannot do without.
No More Dry Lips Ever Again
"Gonna be a lot of chapstick in that room."
– camefromxbox
There are things that bring us comfort and are irreplaceable.
Safety Blanket
"My baby blanket. It became tattered over the years—to the point where I couldn’t reasonably wash it anymore—so I had to throw it away a little while back."
"I have heavily regretted that decision. I was really attached to it (hence it being in tatters), but I really wish that I kept what was left of it instead of throwing it away. Just knowing that I’d still have it would be a huge comfort to me."
– Uearie
Sentimental Heirloom
"The pendant my dad had made for me with my grandmother’s engagement diamond. It was 2 carats. It disappeared from a Las Vegas hotel room 20 years ago. It was hidden deep in a suitcase where it would not have been easy to find. It was just GONE. Cops didn’t do anything. Didn’t even come to take my statement. Cleaning lady said she thought she saw an elderly man enter my room. The guy I was with was not sympathetic in the least. Entire situation was f**ked. I’m still so upset about it."
– MaritimeDisaster
Lone Shark
"My plastic shark toy I lost when I was 10. Ain't no f'king way it just VANISHED."
– Guilty_As_Charged__
Not everything lost is tangible.
Tick Tock
"The time I wasted."
– shinyfennec
It Holds Value
"My private key with 6 BTC in it."
– Significant_Mirror19
"I didn't lose one, but I'll check my room for yours just in case."
– Smodphan
Finding Purpose
"The reason I walked into the room."
– Lloyd_lyle
Lost Opportunity
"That one girl i spoke to on omegle lol"
– h-amishh
If only we get to reunite with those we've lost.
The Loved Family Member
"My grandpa."
– Splatty_boi_420
Grieving Parent
"My daughter. She’ll be in my brother’s arms. So I’ll find both things I care to look for."
– SeeTheFence
Missing Mom
"My mom. She died of cancer in 2017. She never got to meet my daughter. I miss the hell out of her and wish she was still part of my family’s life."
– X-Arkturis-X
The Animals That Come Into Our Lives
"My pets that have passed: especially my horse, Blue. It's been 4 years, but it feels like just yesterday."
– Baciandrio
While many of these scenarios are unlikely, the thread gave people an opportunity to reflect on the things that made a strong impression on their lives.
Sometimes, the memories of the things we've lost–whether they are random objects or sources of love–is all we have.
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What's worse than returning home from a night out or a workday and discovering your home was broken into? Being home when the break-in happens.
Home invasions are a common trope portrayed in horror films like The Strangers and Funny Games, and they're absolutely terrifying because they are based on real-life incidents.
Redditor silentagent47 asked strangers to consider this horrifying hypothetical.
"You have 5 minutes to prepare before a guy breaks into your house with the intention to kill you. You can not exit your house. What is your strategy to survive?"
The hunter becomes the hunted, inspired by TV and movies.
Duplicating A Scene
"There was an episode of Burn Notice where Michael puts aerosol cans in the microwave with kitchen utensils and hits popcorn button. I really want to know if this works or not."
– JohnSterlingSanchez
Epic Burglar Trap
"Speed-watch Home Alone."
– pluribusduim
It's about the choice of weapon.
Jump Scare
"I get the vacuum cleaner ready in a certain room, I turn it on as hes about to enter to create a distraction, then I jump out when he's inspecting the noise and bonk the f'ker on the head with the piece of 2 inch steel tube I keep as a weapon."
– BustedBastard
Beware of Dog
"Unleash the Hounds"
– myassonreddit
Make A Weapon
"Duct tape a bunch of knives to the end of one of those tall lamps to make a spear of blinding and then proceed to go sicko mode."
– DubTheeBustocles
Preparing For A Thwack
"Turn shower on, for some reason I have a shovel behind my wardrobe?? So grab that. Wait for him to check shower, whack with shovel. Boom."
– hypersp00p
It's Just A Game
"Corner camp with a shotgun."
– Arrow3619
A Warm Welcome
"Hairspray and a lighter to his face."
– WorkingClassSheep
The effectiveness of these tactics are questionable, but points for creativity are warranted.
Stand Still
"Put a lamp shade on my head and stand in the corner of the room."
– Cannabis_Sir
Make It Erotic
"I turn on all the lights, take off all my clothes, rub butter all over myself, and start a fake conversation on the phone. As soon as he breaks in I say into the phone: 'I’ve gotta go, my next appointment is finally here…”
– FrankieTheAlchemist
Forget The Stairs
"Go to the LIVING ROOM."
– on-oath-never-again
Removing The Element Of Fun
"Draw an X on my forehead and grab a beer."
– Candycoatedmuffin3
And that's why I would opt for living in a commune or apartment complex.
People who own houses are just asking for forced entry.
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