Here we have a person whose sister died, and she made a memorial candle to honor her memory. Her boyfriend burned the candle during a power outage because he is attracted to women who are in distress. The original poster sought advice on how to handle a very weird and potentially dangerous situation.
candlethrowaway1 wanted to update everyone - she dumped her boyfriend.
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
Boyfriend burned a candle my deceased sister made for me because we were without power. We have a surplus of candles that he completely ignored. Can/should I forgive him for this? If so, how?
My original post was the day before Thanksgiving. Eugene and I had planned to spend Thanksgiving with my parents but that did not end up happening.
On my way home from work, I stopped at a local craft store to pick up supplies to make a new memorial candle for Carrie. Thank you /u/70ms for the amazing, heartfelt suggestion. My parents and I spend a day remembering Carrie and making a new candle using some of the wax from the original candle. I also ended up purchasing a locket and having some of the remaining wax from the candle put inside and the locket welded shut by a friend.
On the evening of my post, I got home and Eugene said he wanted to talk. I agreed we needed to clear the air before Thanksgiving so we sat in the living room and started to talk. I was not ready for what he told me.
A few commentors from my original post seemed to hit the nail on the head in a way. Eugene told me that when we first met, he was extremely turned on by the fact that I was essentially a damsel in distress. I just lost my sister recently, I was in a massive depression, I wasn't myself. And that turned him on both sexually and in a "protective" way.
Over the past few months, I've started to become more myself. I got promoted at my job, I've joined a cooking class and have gotten out more, and I've definitely moved away from being a damsel in distress in the eyes of Eugene.
He went on to explain that he burned the candle in hopes that it would throw me back into that phase because that is the only time he felt he was attracted to me. That's right, he is not attracted to me unless I'm upset, crying, and a damsel in distress. When I prodded for more information, he told me that every one prior to me that he had dated had either just experienced a loss or was "in need of rescuing".
Eugene told me he was no longer attracted to me. He dreaded having sex with me because he could no longer be the "hero" that was rescuing me which is what turned him on in the first place. He didn't like go in public with me because I had started to put myself together more (like not just wearing a t-shirt and jeans like I did when depressed) and that attracted the stares of other men that he saw as a threat (taking away his damsel in distress). Eugene had a whole laundry list of things he hated doing now because I wasn't in a funk anymore.
I told him if that was the case then we needed to break up. He agreed and said he would go stay with a friend until he could make new living arrangements. My name is the only one on our house and I told him I would give him 60 days to vacate the house which he agreed was fair.
Over the past few weeks, I've spent a lot of time with my parents and with close friends. I don't really feel like I've been dumped, or broke up with someone. I just feel like me.
Carrie's candle sits on my desk where the original was and I wear the locket every day. Thank you Reddit for listening. I appreciate it more than you know.
tl;dr: Ex only likes damsels in distress. We broke up. I'm happy.
In lighting that candle, the boyfriend showed his true colors.Giphy
Hey so, in a way, your sister's candle was a warning light so that you'd catch on to how f*cked up Eugene actually is.
Keep swimming OP, I hope everything goes well for you.
He's a regular Denny Reynolds, one user joked. Pure evil.Giphy
Right?!? Like Dennis Reynolds for real, which is absolutely terrifying.
Some thought the light from the candle was like a warning from the deceased sister.
This guy is completely off his rockers. As much as the candle meant to you, it was a price to pay if it helped you get away from this creep. Your sister was protecting you with this candle even after she passed away.
Make sure that he doesn't develop stalkerish or obsessive tendencies. I would count the days and try to make him leave asap.
And by making a new candle, OP was able to move on.Giphy
Eugene has some serious issues.
I'm glad you were able to make a "new" candle and move on from Eugene. Your sister would have wanted you to be in a happy, healthy relationship -- now you can find one.
The now ex-boyfriend, Eugene, was clearly abusive. But that's not even the worst part.Giphy
Sweet mother of God this guy is in desperate need of some hardcore therapy. He will absolutely end up turning into a very serious abuser without it.
I wish the absolute best of luck to his next victims.
And that's because the predatory behavior turns him on.Giphy
The scariest part of this entire story is that he completely recognizes and owns his predatory behavior, and instead of being interested in changing it, he basically agreed to break up so he can move on to his next victim. It's terrifying that there are people out there who are completely cognizant of what monsters they are and who are apparently perfectly comfortable with that.
Honestly, OP is a hero.Giphy
Wow. You've just survived an experience with an emotional predator! You deserve a fricken medal! And you handled it with grace and dignity to boot. What a great update. That locket and new candle now also signify your strength and dignity. Congrats!
I once dated a girl who was endless drama. 3 days a week I would get a phone call at 8 am as her and her mom fought while she cried. It seriously drove me nuts...but I listened and tried to help her because I cared for her. When things were quiet though I was happiest.
I can't fathom that someone seeks out/wants someone to be an emotional wreck. His sense of self worth sounds like it is severely lacking and he has had some problems of his own if his sense of attraction is based off of someone appearing damaged.